01x14 - Weekend Vampire

[bunniefuu]

That's the move that won
the championship for
leonard verinski,

The european
chess master.

- Check.
- No, he was romanian.

Oh, the coffee is boiling, 52.
I'll get it--

Just as soon as I move...

My knight.

[ flute playing ]

[ air whooshes ]

I thought you'd
make that move.

There.what do
you think of that?

Now wait a minute, 52!

Nobody likes a sore loser.





Three agents m*rder*d--


And now 52 right here
in control.

- In my own laboratory.
- Close to home, isn't it,
professor sontag?

All right, max, tell me
exactly what happened.

First of all, chief,
he moved his pawn
to his queen-3.

Then I moved my knight
to my bishop-4--

No, max.
I mean did he do
anything suspicious?

Well, yes, as a matter
of fact he did, chief.

He left his
queen unguarded.

Max, will you
forget the game?

An agent has been m*rder*d--
the third control agent
in as many weeks,

And always on the weekend.
Can you think of any reason

why it should always
be the weekend?

Maybe the k*ller works
during the week.

What troubles
me most is

All the victims have
the same suspicious marks.

Marks?
What marks, chief?

Look at his neck.

Not his neck, max,
agent 52's.

Oh, right, chief.

Oh yes, I see
what you mean.

two tiny puncture marks
about an inch apart.

- Chief, you don't suppose--
- of course I don't.

All that publicity
about vampires

Is just the newspapers'
way of boosting circulation.

I guess you're right, chief.
It's incredible

To think of a vampire
abroad in the 20th century.

It's incredible
in any century, max.
Vampires are a myth.

What do you think,
professor sontag?

There are boundaries
to the scope of scientific
knowledge.

It is said, you know,

That when a vampire strikes
it leaves two marks

Very much like these
on the neck.

But that's ridiculous,
professor sontag.
That's an old wives' tale.

- You're right, max.
- Of course I'm right, chief.

Werewolves leave marks
on the neck, vampires go
right for the throat.

Max, there are
no such things
as vampires.

Right, chief.

It's a good thing we're all
sensible civilized men

- who don't believe in a lot
of superstitious nonsense.
- right.

Max!
Don't walk under that.

[ theme music playing ]

The newspapers are
having a field day, max.

The people of washington are
terrified of this so-called
vampire m*rder*r.

We've got to stop him
before anyone else
is k*lled.

I know, chief, the people
of new york are afraid
to go out at night.

They're afraid
of the vampire?

No, they're just afraid
to go out at night.

- [ Phone buzzes ]
- what is it?

Oh, arrick.does he
have the detecto-tune
with him?

Good.
Send him right down.

Now, max, what else
did you come up with
in your research?

Well, chief, I picked up
some very important facts
about vampires.

- What is it?
- Let's see...

"In 1958
dr. Franz heiser

Appeared before the national
council of scientists
in vienna

And presented
a paper that claimed
vampires do exist."

Of course they
discredited his theory.

- What happened to dr. Heiser?
- He flew away.

- What?
- In a plane, chief.

Max!
Now our one clue

Is the melody you heard
just before the m*rder.

- Oh, arrick,
is the detecto-tune ready?
- Yes, chief.

- good.
- now how does it work?

The detecto-tune can
reconstruct any melody

In the same way that
a criminal's face can be
reconstructed

From the descriptions
of witnesses.

- Can you remember any
of the notes that you heard?
- Hum anything you remember.

Let me see now, chief...

Uh...
[ Hums slowly ]

[ Playing melody ]

A little faster than that.

[ Playing faster and faster ]

- Arrick!
- Sorry, chief.

Try to get it, max.
This may be vital.

All right, chief,
now let me see...

[ Humming ]

[ Humming ]

No no no.

[ Humming ]

Yeah, you got it.

[ Singing jazz standard ]

[ Upbeat singing ]

What are
you doing, max?

I'm putting you
down for the lead
in the "spy frolics," chief.

Max!

Arrick, has sontag
finished the autopsy yet?

I think so.
He'll be with us in a moment.
He's on the phone.

Wait, dr. Drago.
Don't hang up.

Drago, drago.

Drago... Where have
I heard that name?

Drago drago... Of course!
Dr. Drago.

He was the professor's
predecessor here at the lab.

- That was before
we came to control.
- Why did drago leave control?

I think he was caught doing
some unauthorized experiments.

Oh, dr. Sontag,
what did you find out
from the autopsy?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

You heard me.
Nothing.

What are you doing
with the detecto-tune?

Well, I heard this melody
when agent 52 died, and--

We were trying
to reconstruct the tune.

That's ridiculous, smart.
You're imagining things.

How did this
melody go?

Well, have you
ever heard the song
"heart of my heart"?

- Yes.
- That wasn't it.

Take over here, arrick.

I have to go visit
an old friend.

Will you be taking
another of your long
weekends, professor?

I don't know,

But I want you to look
over those reports
on my desk.

Phone calls to dr. Drago
and long weekends--

There's something funny
going on here, 99.

I think we'd better
put the professor
under surveillance.

Shouldn't we check
with the chief first?

No, there won't be
any time for that.
He's leaving now.

I don't want him
to know we're
following him.

[ thunder booming ]

Sontag's getting
in his car, 99.
We'd better follow him.

But, max, shouldn't we stay
and investigate drago?

He must be the key
to all of this.

But what are we
gonna tell drago
if we find him?

That our car
broke down.

Oh, come on, 99.
He'll never fall
for that old gag.

[ engine grinding ]

- Come on, let's go
into the house.
- What do we tell drago?

- That our car broke down.
- Max, what do we use
for cover?

- I've got an umbrella
in the trunk.
- No, max, I mean a disguise.

- Oh, now let's see
what's in the trunk.
- Right.

- [ wind howling ]
- [ thunder booming ]


Of the trunk?

C-a-44-n.

Let's see, we've got
the newlyweds cover,
the diplomat cover,

- the lion tamer cover--
- let's use
the newlyweds cover.

I've been dying
to play that role.

Oh, max,
they're lovely!

- Here, take some rice, 99.
- Right.

I'd better take
the commando kit.
We might need it later.

- Good thinking.
- Close the trunk, 99.

- Right.
- Let's go.

Look, 99,
there's someone there.
It must be drago.

- What's he doing?
- He's getting
into his coffin.

Getting into his coffin?

[ Door squeaking ]

Good evening.is this
the honeymoon motel?

No, it is not.
This is my home.

I am dr. Satyrados drago.

Oh, good evening, doctor.
I'm maxwell smart

And this is my wife
mrs. Smart.

We're on our honeymoon,
and our car broke down.

I don't suppose you
could put us up
for the night?

My privacy is most
important to me.

Besides, I don't
think you would be
comfortable here.

On the contrary,
doctor, I think this
is a charming place,

So fresh
and inviting.

I think it's a perfect
place to spend a honeymoon.

I don't suppose you'd
consider selling it.

This house is


It is said that many
weird and terrible things
have happened here.

There are frightening
noises at night.

the people nearby
say that the tortured
spirits of the dead

still inhabit
these rooms.

Is there anything else
you'd like to know?

- Is it near a school?
- [ Growls ]

Stop growling, dear.
We can always hire
a tutor.

Max...

Oh, hi there.

hugo cannot answer you,
mr. Smart.

Unfortunately, he has lost
the power of speech.

- [ Growls ]
- what did he say?

He said, "unfortunately,
I have lost the power
of speech."

And now if you will
excuse me,

I shall call a garage
and see to your car.

You say it broke down
on the road.

Which one is it?

- It's a red-and-black coupe.
- No no, I mean
which road is it?

The road right outside
your castle, doctor.

Ah,

Honeysuckle road.

Hugo, close
the french doors.

Now let us see
about our guests'
automobile.

[ lock turning ]

It's locked.

What do we
do now, max?

Well, first of all,
in this coffin.

- Oh, do we have to?
- Well, you see, 99,

According to the legend
of the vampire, ridiculous
though it may seem,

Vampires always sleep
in their coffins.

- Why would they do that?
- If you go around biting
people on the neck,

I guess you'll do
just about anything.

Max,
I'm frightened.

Don't be silly, 99.

All these stories about
vampires and witchcraft
are ridiculous.

Why, they're nothing
but fairy tales to frighten
little children.

I give you my word
there's absolutely
nothing to them.

Right.

On the other hand,
I could be wrong.

Listen, max,
I have an idea.

Why don't we just check
out everything else
in the room first?

I've got
a better idea, 99--
process of elimination.

- How does that work?
- We check out everything
else in the room first.

- Good thinking.
I'll start with the desk.
- Right.



I think we're
being watched.

- Where?
- Look casually over
your left shoulder.

- Notice the portrait?
- Yes.what of it?

I think I saw
the eyes move.

Oh, max,
how could they?

Very often in old houses
like this they have
secret passages

And they use the eyes
of portraits to spy through.

- You stay here.
I'll fix it.
- Right.

- Okay, 99.
- Good.

- What are you doing, max?
- I think I've got a stone

From the driveway
in my shoe.

There's nothing in here
except this old invoice
with some numbers on it.

What do you think
that means, max?

- Wow!
- What's wrong?

I don't know.
Everything went black
for a minute.

You probably bent over
too fast.where's
the invoice, max?

What invoice?

The one I just
found in the desk.
You just took it.

Let's start
from the beginning, 99.

Now I sat down here
in the chair.

Right, and I started
going through the desk.

And I leaned over
to get the stone
out of my shoe.

Right, and then I
picked up a piece
of paper.

I held it up in my hand,
and I held it out to you.

Ooh!

Good, you found it.

I'll say I did.

This is the biggest
pebble I ever saw.

I think it cut off
the circulation
in my eyes.

Max, there's nothing
on this piece of paper.

What in the world
are you talking
about, 99?

Max, a few seconds ago,
I picked up a piece
of paper

From the desk, and it
had some numbers on it...

- You must be imagining things.
- ...but you took it from me.

- All right, 99, let's start
from the beginning.
- Right.

- I sat down in the chair here.
- And I began to go through
the desk like this.

And I leaned over to--

It distresses me
to report that your
car won't be ready

before tomorrow morning.

Well, that's quite
all right, doctor.
We'll just have to hoof it.

Come on, honey.

- [ thunder booms ]
- [ growls ]

Well, it was
a rotten night
for a walk anyway.

Mr. Smart,
you and your lovely bride

Will be my guests.

hugo, show them
to their room.

Oh, and...

Should you hear
any unusual noises
during the night,

You needn't be alarmed.

It will just be hugo
pursuing his career.

- His career?
- Yes, he wants
to be a band singer.

- [ Growls ]
- oh, forgive me, hugo.

A big band singer.

Now, hugo, if you will
take our guests
to their room.

And don't you love
those curtains?

Of course if that were
my chair, I'd have it
recovered.

And the whole room,
if it were painted
a lighter color,

Would look so much bigger.

Okay, 99, there
don't seem to be
any microphones around.

Oh, I wish I could remember
what was on that paper
in the library.

Forget it, 99.

Let's see what
control has given us
in the newlywed kit.

Throwing knife,

Knockout drops,

Revolver

And brass knuckles.

This must be
the commando kit.

Ah, this is
the newlywed kit.

Toothpaste,
throwing knife,

Knockout drops,

Revolver

And brass knuckles.

I know the paper had
some numbers on it,

But what could
they mean?


In talking about it

- If you can't remember
the numbers?
- Wait a minute, max.

What do the years


And 1952 mean to you?

- Three great years
for burgundy.
- No, max.

Three fair years
for burgundy?

Wait, take the "19"
from in front of each
of those numbers,

And what do we have?

- What were
the numbers again?
- 23, 49 And 52.





- 99!
- What?

Those were the numbers
of the three agents
who were k*lled.

[ thunder booms ]

Max, then that ties drago

Into the murders.


Another look around
downstairs.

Right, but what if
we're being watched?

You're right.
We've gotta keep up
our cover at all times.

We've gotta do everything
honeymooners do.

Here, these pajamas
are our best bet.

- Get into them.
- Max!

They're bulletproof,


Come on, 99.
Drago must be
asleep by now.

- We've gotta take a look
inside that coffin.
- Right.

But hugo locked us in.
How are we gonna get out?

We'll just use
this expando-rice.


In the keyhole, you get
the special toothpaste.

- Right.
- It's marked "ignito-paste."

- Come on, 99.
- That's really wild rice.

The wildest!

- [ footsteps ]
- max, I hear something.

Shh!

I think drago
has finished his nap.

Look, 99, there's
a stairway in the coffin.

Exactly, mr. Smart.

This coffin has kept
nosy intruders

From discovering
the entrance
to my laboratory.

Not many men
have the courage
to open the coffin.

Especially from the inside.

You are a clever man,
mr. Smart.

Clever enough to see
through your scheme,
dr. Drago.

You k*lled those agents.

You were driven
by bitterness

Because of your dismissal
from control.

And then when you
found that you were
under suspicion,

You threw us
a red herring--
the vampire.

Yes.when I was
dismissed by control,

I was disgraced
in my profession.

I vowed that all
the control agents

Who testified
against me would perish.

have you guessed
how the murders
were carried out?

It was the music,
mr. Smart.

The music?

The music they played
when 52 died, of course.

Precisely, mr. Smart.
I'll show you.

This twin-channeled
flute

Is my finest invention.

At high "c" it fires
two poisoned ice pellets;

The ice dissolves;
the poison does its work;

And the police are left

To ponder the mysteries
of vampires.

Well, dr. Drago,

You've played your
little song of death
for the last time.

I beg to differ,
mr. Smart.hugo!

Oh, no, max!

Drago:
and now, mr. Smart,

It is your turn

To hear my sonata
of death.

But before I begin,
do you have any
last requests?

You know any show tunes?

- [ flute plays ]
- drop the flute, drago.

Sontag, if you sh**t
the girl will die.

- sh**t, sontag!
- No, max!

[ Gagging ]

Max,
what's he saying?

I'm not sure, 99,
but I think it's...

"I get no kick
from champagne."

So you see, although
I suspected dr. Drago,

I felt I owed him the chance
to prove his innocence.

- After all, he was my teacher.
- So you went to his house
that night

- To confront him
with your suspicions?
- Yes.

And that's when we
put you under surveillance.

- I know.
- But what you didn't know

Is that 99 and I
were following you
to drago's place

In a control
tracking car, did you?

Not until I caught you
in my rearview mirror.

- When was that?
- Just after you crashed

Into the rear end
of my car.

Well, you stopped
awfully short, you know.

Incidentally, max,
do you recall what
that melody was

- That drago was playing?
- I'm not sure, chief.

- 99, Did you bring
the flute with you?
- It's right over there.

Oh, thank you, 99.

- Is that the m*rder w*apon?
- Max: right, chief.

Only now it's just
a harmless old flute.

Now let's see.
How did that melody go?

[ Playing tune ]

Smart!

Sorry about that,
chief.

[ theme music playing ]