01x03 - Bully

[bunniefuu]

Bully?

Bully?

Bully, what did... how?

How?

How?

What?

How?

Ben?

Dad?

Ben, you're in the dumpster.

Dad!

What are you
doing in the dumpster?

It's one thing...
Do you recognize this?

That's Bully.

That's Bully.

One thing to be unemployed...

Dad, that's Bully.

What's it doing in the...
Oh, jeez.

Oh, did I, uh...

I didn't throw it out.

You know what?

I had Grace...
Was in here last week,

and I told her, "whatever's
in that linen closet."

We never use it."

- Grace knows Bully.
- "Just toss it."

Grace knows Bully.

Well, I told her
that whatever she...

You told her to throw out Bully.

I never said the word Bully.

I said the linen closet
is unusable.

Because it's so
packed full of junk.

Well, how could you...

You know Bully is my
favorite stuffed animal.

It has been since I was two.

How do you let this happen?

Well, let me
ask you something...

When was the last time you
spent any time with Bully,

if it's your favorite
stuffed animal?

Oh, that's none
of your business,

how much time I spend
with Bully.

Okay, Ben... I don't have
time to discuss this now.

Clean yourself off.

Well, you better think twice
next time about this, dad,

'cause this isn't good,
this isn't good.

You know, I gotta tell you,
I'm a little embarrassed,

sitting here, talking
to a guy in the dumpster.

Can we continue this
conversation later?

Well, I guess I just expect
an apology, dad,

because, you know,
it just shows, I guess,

a lack of consideration
for my stuff.

Well, should I
apologize for trying.

To create an environment.

In which two adults can live?

What are you trying to say?

That because I have a stuffed
animal, I'm not adult?

I think you said it eloquently.

No, all I'm saying is
that we need.

The use of that closet, Ben.

I have human friends, too.

Well, do you keep them
in a linen closet?

Would you throw them out?

Touche, my young son.

Ray?
Yeah?

Now, you didn't go into.

This marriage thing
blindly, you know.

Somebody should have told me.

Somebody should have...

You should live together first.

That's what you should do.

I didn't know what to...

You know what?

The first day you move in,
you realize...

I had no experience.

I came from my parents' house.

Right.

The first day is crucial,

'cause you make the choices
that don't seem important,

like what side of
the bed do you want.

That seemed like it was
trivial at the time,

but that's my side for life now.

I blew the call.

I didn't look... I didn't
look at the TV angle.

No, you don't
think about those things.

You know what I did?

I went with my
childhood instincts.

I took the side that
was away from the door,

in case the boogeyman comes in.

I factored that in.

All right, the boogeyman
would get her.

I'll be in my spaceship by then.

Yeah, well, I found out all
the roles I was gonna play.

Right after I got married.

You know, you think
you know 'em all.

You think, "oh, it's take out
the garbage and mow the lawn."

Those are the traditional roles.

Right after I got married,

I found out that in
the middle of the night

I was now the a*t*matic
noise checker-outer.

Every little thing, "what
was that, what was that?"

"Oh, it's nothing."

"Oh, check it out!
Check it out!

"What do you mean nothing?

"That could be
a burglar with a g*n.

"So be careful.

"Go, watch out,
put your slippers on.

"Might have to run.

"And bring me up
a yogurt if it's nothing.

"Either way, I want
a yogurt either way.

Don't come back without
a yogurt, slipper boy."

Oh, so you're...

I'm the noise checker.

Second place swim trophy?

Third place swim trophy?

Runner up swim trophy?

My other trophy.

Hey, Ben...
What are you...

What's going on here,
what are you doing?

Um, putting labels
on all my stuff, dad.

Why are you doing that?

Well, the red labels
will inform you.

That you are not
to touch or remove.

These objects from my room.

And, uh...
Ah, I get it.

This is all about...
That's right.

And the yellow labels.

Are that you can
take them out of the room,

but you can't remove them
from the house.

And the green labels mean you
can take them out of the house,

but you can't give them away.

You have to bring them back.

Okay, I get the idea, Ben.

Do you think this is necessary?

Well, obviously it is,

because of what
happened this morning.

You don't think that
this is something.

We could just talk about.

And then act like
responsible adults?

The beige labels, dad,
mean that...

Where did you get beige labels?

I don't own these items.

I'm borrowing them
from somebody else.

Therefore if you take them out,

then you have somebody else
to deal with, not me.

Because they're somebody else's.

What is it you're
saying here, Ben?

Well, maybe it's not
just about Bully, dad.

Maybe by you throwing out Bully,

you're giving me a signal
that maybe I'm next.

Maybe you throw
me out, maybe I leave.

Ben, have I ever put
any pressure on you.

To leave this house,

to move out, to live
the life of a young adult?

Have I ever suggested that
I could use this as my office.

And maybe a little
upright piano?

Have I ever in a zillion
years suggested to you.

That your presence in my life.

Is anything but rewarding?

So don't go reading
stuff into this.

So you don't want me out.

I don't want you out, Ben.

I mean, at some point,
you will spread wings and fly.

You know, you will wanna be
out on your own someday,

and you will know
when that day is.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fly.

I'll fly, you know I will.

You put... I notice you put
a red label on your labels.

Remind me...
What does that mean?

♪ well the fox went out

♪ on a chase one night

♪ he prayed for
the moon to give him light ♪

okay, that's nice.

♪ he had many
a mile to go that night ♪

♪ before he reached
the town-o ♪

come on, Ben.

♪ town-o...
Come on, Benny.

♪ couple of miles...
Dad, hold up here.

Dad!

I don't mean to interrupt,
but I think I'm gonna turn in.

Ben, you used to love that song.

What's...
What's the matter?

Well, I still love it, dad.

It's a great old song.

I'm just a little tired,
I guess,

and a little too much excitement.

For one night, you know...
First the chicken pot pie,

now the song.

I get it, I get it.

You wanna hear
some snoopy dog dog.

Is that it?

Snoop doggy dog.

I can do that.

Yes.
Dad.

Ow.
Yeah.

I think I hurt something.

I don't even know
contemporary music,

to tell you...

I lost track after
the buckinghams retired.

Wanna hear a little blues?

No.

That's bluesy, all right.

Wow, this is exactly
what I didn't wanna hear.

Right now.

You sure know what
you're doing on that.

You're picking.

You're picking fine blues.

You know, your mother and I,

we used to listen to the blues.

All the time when
we were in school.

That's a great story, dad.

What, uh...

♪ doodle-oodle
um-pum-pum-pum! ♪

hey, dad, as opposed to
playing to me every night,

maybe you should...
You're good.

Maybe you should go to, like...

I know a couple places
that have open mic nights.

You go, you sign up.

And you play in front
of an audience.

Well, I'm not in that league.

These guys are guys who do
nothing but play the guitar,

and this for me is just a hobby.

No, no, no.

Well, what would I sing?

Do you need to sing
original songs?

'Cause I haven't written
a song in 20 years.

It's all folk.

It's all folk music?
It's all folk.

Do you think I'm that good?

That I could get up there and
keep an audience captivated?

No.

On the edge of their seat?

Um, I mean, I think you're
capable enough to, yeah,

make an impression on people.

Ben, thank you for your support.

Yeah.

♪ Jimmy cracked
corn and I don't care ♪

oh, don't dad.

♪ Jimmy cracked corn,
and I don't care ♪

remember what you used
to think it was called?

Jimmy cracked corn?

Yes, I do, yeah.

When you were little?

"Immy ack orn!"
Remember that?

Immy ack...
Ben, where you going?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

I think I'm a little bloated.

This next song,
ladies and gentlemen,

is about suffering.

God knows that's something that.

We've all done a little bit of,

and I'm gonna tell you
about it tonight.

I've been hurt
so many times, folks.

Four...
Four times.

Guess what I paid
for this sweater.

No.

Just take a guess.

Just take a guess, a wild guess.

I don't want to.

Okay, $5.

$5? What's
wrong with you?

How could you even...

First of all, did you
look at what it's made of?

It's made of lamb's wool,
for god's sakes.

Here, read this.

"Plus sizes unlimited."

I'll smack you.

So think back to your childhood.

Yeah.

A little further.

And how do you
remember your mother?

At the sink, rinsing
things out, constantly.

Mm-hm.

She'd be at the sink,
saying things like,

"dear god, give me the strength
to wash these brassieres."

Things like that.

She was very depressed.

But the only way you
would cheer her up.

Was you'd tell her
you were going to a wake.

Then she'd say,
"oh, yeah, who d*ed?"

That would perk her up.

Well, you know, I'm divorced.

Yeah?

Yeah.

And I don't really
wanna get married again.

I'm at the point where
I want a man in my life.

But not in my house.

Right.

I'm on the phone all day long.

I don't really
see what they could do.

All day long with me.

My feeling is come in,
attach the vcr, and get out.

Jeez, that's a pretty
strong statement.

Why all the anger at men?

Where's that coming from?

Well, it's not that I...
I like men,

but I could get angry
with them, yes, indeed.

Last year I spent $850
on pantyhose.

Men are still
wearing the same socks.

They wore to junior high school.

They call them
their lucky socks.

How do you know that?

I'm sick of them.

Folk music?

Yeah, yeah.

Like an open mic, like
anybody can go, kind of...

Right, right yeah,
like, he gets up,

and he gets to play a song.

Folk songs?

Yeah, old folk songs.

Folk songs...
That he wrote?

Um, some originals,
a couple covers.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, and
I thought you'd like to.

Maybe come along with me
and listen to him.

To be honest,

that sounds so horribly
painful and humiliating.

I mean, for you and for him.

Yeah, sort of.

I'll go!
Really?

Yeah.
Great.

Sex and marriage...

It's a cliche,
but you have to work at it.

You have to reinvent the sex.

Someone actually told me
to spice up the sex,

to try going to a motel.

Sure, if that works, you know.

Get a babysitter, go to a motel.

Right.

You know, we tried that,

and the weird thing
is they give you.

The motel room for four hours.

I don't know about you, doc,

but who needs
a room for four hours?

Well, some people like to,
you know, unpack,

and, you know,
make the place their own.

I told the guy...

"Show me the 20
minute room, that's all.

"The 20 minute room.

"Has to have a TV
and a wake-up call.

"That's all.

"Do you have
a drive-through?

'Cause I know
what I want."

Four hours.

Who are these guys who
need a room for four...

They think they do...
That's the way it is.

It's always that way with sex.

You're in the four hour
mode when you start.

You're like, "oh,
this is gonna be a marathon."

I'm gonna wear a number
on my back,

and people are gonna have
to bring me cups of water.

It never adds up
'cause it's always pacing.

That's what it is,
that's my problem.

My pacing is off.

'Cause I start in
the four hour pace,

but something...
You know what it is?

You always go that one
move too far.

And then you try to save it.

No, don't move, honey, freeze!

Oh!

You moved, you moved!

It's not my fault!

Come on, you clearly exhaled.

Don't look at me.

Where's the remote?

So, um...

Hey, let me
ask you a question...

This is pretty good.

We're sitting together
at a table,

and we both
ordered the same drink.

This is kinda...

Does this in any way resemble
to you, like, a date?

No.

No?
No.

No.

What would make it more
like a date to you?

If you were a different guy,
I guess.

Huh.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me in the back?

What's he talking about?
There's nobody back there.

If you wanna move up,

there's some
seats up front, everybody.

Well, first of all,
thank you very much.

And this first song is
a song that I wrote...

I'm a little nervous.

You'll have to
bear with me here.

I wrote it when I was


and discovering
for the first time.

That loving someone.

Was no guarantee that they
would love you back.

It's called,

"loving someone is no guarantee
that they will love you back."

And it goes like...
Well, I was, uh...

Just to give you
a little more background,

I was a student living
in a farmhouse.

With five of my best
friends, and my dog muzzy,

a black labrador.

I think he's losing them.

I think he's losing me.

Anyway, I wrote
this song in 1970.

I was a young man of 23,
and, uh...

Now, much to my amazement,

I have a son that age.

In fact, he's here tonight.

Ben, why don't you stand
up and take a bow?

No, no, that's...

My son, ladies and gentlemen,

Benjamin Daniel Katz.

Thanks.

Please let him know, folks.

Thank you, dad.

Give it up one time for Benny.

That's enough, dad.

I'm gonna sit
back down now, dad.

Hey, Ben?
Yeah?

Remember that song
I used to sing for you.

When you were little?

Uh, no, no, I don't.

Let me refresh your memory.

I actually wrote this
song for you.

A boy, a bike.

A heart so full.

A mom, and a dad, and
a little stuffed...

Bull.

Oh, god, what have I done?

Ben?
Dad?

Will you forgive me, please?

Yes, yeah, right away.

You're forgiven.

Is there some way
I can make it up to you?

The show's up there, folks.

The show's on the stage.

Hey, hey.

Sorry I left.

I had to... I came out
here to pee for a while.

Yeah, ugh.

Yeah, I had to get out.

That was really painful.

I mean, that was hard for me.

That was really, really painful.

Yeah, that was
particularly hard on me.

I mean, he was tense, but
I sort of tensed up there, too.

But you know what?

It was, like, the good kind
of pain, you know.

Do you know what I mean
by the good kind of pain?

No, no.

Like, when you have
a canker sore,

like, right on
the inside of your cheek,

and you just keep chewing on it,

because it's like
the good kind of pain.

You can't stop.

It's sort of like...
Like, a turn-on.

Really? Yeah.

I could chew on sores all night.

I love 'em.

I love sores,
I chew on a big sore...

How is your appetite?

My appetite is too good.

I just wanna eat everything.

And you're afraid
if you eat too much.

You'll put on weight?

Is that your big...

No, I'm afraid if I eat
too much, I'll get thinner.

What's wrong with you?

Um...

I mean, really,
what kind of a doctor

asks a stupid question
like that?

I feel hostile towards you now.

That's okay, just let it out.

I'm letting it out.

Okay, well, let it out slowly.

How does it feel to be bald?

Do you wanna hurt me?

Is that what this is all about?

Do you wanna make me feel.

The kind of pain you're feeling?

I find you repulsive.

There's a hair, like...
You have nose hairs.

I find that so repulsive,
to see nose hairs.

You have no idea.

Do you think
I should wear them up?

Are you sexually attracted
to me at all?

Ugh, that's a tough one.

I don't think that's
an appropriate question.

This is a therapist's office.

I thought I was supposed
to ask anything

I felt like asking.

You told me I could
say anything I want,

and now you're saying no?

I'm not saying you can't ask me,

but I need to know why you ask.

I find you looking
at me sometimes.

In a very leering manner.

That's a defect.

That's a palsy in my...
I was in an accident,

and I leer now.

I don't believe you.

I think that you're a pervert,

that you really are leering
and ogling, you know,

especially at
my humongous breasts.

I, to tell you the truth,

didn't even notice
the size of them.

And the shape of them.

Now I feel even worse.

No, I'm saying
I never really took in.

The fullness of your breasts.

That's all, the weight of them.

Really?

But, joy, in my role
as a therapist,

how I feel about you as
a man is not really germane.

Is there something
disgusting and despicable.

And hideous about me that
you haven't shared?

I've shared it.

It feels a little claustrophobic.

In your house now,

with the twins and
your daughter?

This is horrible,

but I actually make
little excuses now.

Just to get out of my house.

I'll do anything.

Anybody need anything?
Anything at all.

Anything from the
motor vehicle bureau, maybe?

I'll do it.

Can I register anything?

I'm the guy.

It's on my way,
I was going that way.

I was just going out to apply
for jury duty, that's all.

Please, let me out of the house.

So you're saying it's hard.

To get any work done at home?

My three-year-old
runs the house.

The hardest thing...

You know, I can't even
make a phone call.

Every business call I try
in my house I screw up.

Yeah, oh yeah, the 15th
is fine with me.

I just need to
know where do you think.

You're going with that cookie?!

Put the cookie down!

Not you, sorry.

Didn't mean to scare you.

Oh, I didn't know you
were eating a cookie.

Of course I'm interested.

Every time I'm there...
I smell kaakie!

It's the kaakie, doc,
that's what it is.

I have the twin towers of
poop in my house right now.

Oops, you know
what the music means.

Our time is up.