What Planet Are You From? (2000)

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic orchestraJ music]

- [Narrator] At the far
reaches of the Universe

lies a planet of men who
have advanced technologically

beyond the realm of human comprehension.

There is no breeding.

They are a product of cloning

and their reproductive organs
have shrunk and disappeared.

All emotions have been
bred out of this race

and each succeeding generation
has become more ambitious

and driven than the previous one.

They want to rule the Universe

and now they are planning
their next takeover

from the inside.

- This planet is four
solar systems from our own,

across the Sea of Vell at
a fixed position of 13-690,

on the subset grid 410.

It is a solid, rigid
mass, with a dense core

of magnetic, metallic liquid.

The atmosphere is composed
of nitrogen, oxygen

and argon in amounts of 78,


This is our target.

This is Earth,

and this is where one of
you will serve your planet

to the act of procreation.

Your training will be extensive.

- [Computer Voice] The Earth
woman's reproductive organs

are located here.
[beeping]

The access point is here.

Insertion in any other access point

will not result in pregnancy.

To get the woman in a
receptive mood for insertion,

compliment her on these areas.

[beeping]

She will also enjoy being
told that she smells nice,

and that her footwear is stylish.

You will spend many hours in study,

trying to learn all you can

about the females of this planet.

- [Computer Voice] It
is important to a woman

that she feels you are
listening when she speaks.

This is most easily achieved
by repeating the phrase,

uh huh, when the woman is communicating.

- [Hologram Woman] I went
to the store this morning.

[Men] Uh huh.

- And on the way, the car
started making a funny noise

so I pulled over.

[Men] Uh huh.

Bet then I couldn't hear it, so I got in

and started driving again.

[Men] Uh huh.

And then it was fine.

[Men] Uh huh.

[Graydon] You will familiarize yourself

with her predilections, her customs,

her ranges of mood and temperament,

her smiles, her frowns,
her ups, and her downs.

Your footwear is quite fashionable.

Thank you.

May I insert my p*nis in you?

Yes.

[buzzing]

[Computer Voice] 10 seconds.

This time is your personal best.

Congratulations.

[feet stomping]

You have all performed admirably,

and your concentration has been exemplary,

but one man has been chosen.

This man has excelled in his training

and we are confident
that the women of earth

will be both interested in

and willing to experience
insertion with him.

This man is H1449-6

[feet stomping]

Congratulations H1449-6

or as you'll now be referred to,

Harold Anderson from Seattle, Washington.

But let me warn you, we've
given you a great wealth

of information about Earth

but her people are unpredictable.

As with all alien cultures,
there will be subtleties

which we couldn't possibly
have prepared you for.

However, given your adaptability

and your great capacity for learning,

we are certain that you will
achieve your goal with ease.

The success of our planet's domination

of the Universe rests in your hands.

Thank you, sir.

Now, if you'll go with these men,

they'll arrange your transfer
and attach your p*nis.

[dramatic orchestral music]

[Stewardess] Ladies and gentlemen,

we'll be beginning our
descent into the Phoenix area

in about 30 minutes.

Flight crew will be by shortly to pick up

all remaining food and beverage items.

Thank you once again
for flying Arizona West.

[beeping]

What the hell is that?

What?

There, inbound at our two o'clock.

Jesus, it's movin'.

Tell me where to go.

[rattling]

[dinging]

Hydraulics?

Uh, landing hydraulics okay.

Wing and tail hydraulics okay.

We're losing altitude.

Air speed is dropping.

What the hell is this?

- [Automated Voice] Collision
alert, collision alert.

[Balding Pilot] It's on us!

[booming]

[whimsical chiming]

Simple people.

They're a thousand years behind us.

Haven't even figured out that round

is the most efficient way to fly.

This is going to be a snap.

Remember, get a woman pregnant.

Give me two days.

Wait for the baby, and then come back.

And whatever you do, don't
let anyone know the truth.

We don't want another
Roswell on our hands.

- Well that happened
because you made the mistake

of sending H228-J.

That guy was an idiot,
and not as handsome as me.

Nowhere near.

[whooshing]

[passengers chattering]

[playful guitar and drums music]

Hi, hi.

Hey there.

Hey, I like your shoes.

[Woman] What?

- Hey, let me give you
a hand there, gorgeous.

Sir please, I need you to take your seat

and fasten your seatbelt.

Rebecca.

You know, I always wanted
my children to have a mother

named Rebecca, interested?

Are you all right, sir?

- Well, to be honest I
am a little lightheaded

from that perfume.

You smell nice.

Sir, if you don't take your seat,

I'll report you when we land.

Ouch.

Kitty likes to scratch.

Anyone sitting here?

Well there is now, hi there.

Hi.

You're shaking.

I thought we were gonna crash.

- I like it when a woman
shakes, turns me on.

What?

I like your shoes.

Thank you.

And you smell nice too.

Thank you.

- Going to Phoenix on
business or pleasure?

I'm going to see my husband.

Uh huh.

He's a Pharmacist.

He works in the Pharmaceutical industry.

Uh huh.

- And we had a big fight
before I took this flight.

I know you shouldn't get on a flight

without saying you're sorry,
or I love you or something,

and now, if I'd been
k*lled he'd still think

I was pissed off.

[plane engine humming]

[tires squealing]

[passengers cheering]

[sirens blaring]

[crashing]

Hey!

Hey, watch the cart, man.

Do you want me to get you a copy

of the FAA rules and
regulations, a*s wipe?

I do my job, then you do yours.

Stay outta my way!

- They'll give anybody
a f*cking badge, man.

Hello Mr. Jones.

What we got here?

Well, it's hard to say.

It could be bad air, but judging

from what I've heard from the crew,

it sounds a little more
out of the ordinary.

How long you been with the department?

Uh, three months, sir.

Let me do you a favor.

It's never out of the ordinary,

never.
[phone ringing]

It's either a flock of
geese, a weather balloon,

or if it's Friday, the crew is drunk.

Yeah.

Nadine, what did I tell you
about using this number?

I told you never to call me at this number

unless the g*dd*mn house is on fire

and I don't hear a siren,
so this better be good.

Yeah, I know today's our anniversary.

What makes you think I forgot?

How do you know I'm not comin' home

with a bunch of flowers or
somethin' along those lines?

How do you know that?

Nadine don't, don't cry.

Bye bye.

Bye.

[airplane engine roaring]

[smacking]

Bye bye.

- One of the passengers
was sh**ting some video

when the incident took place.

Thought you might wanna take a look at it.

Uh huh.

Deplane 'em here, get a list
of the passengers and crew,

check the cabin, write your report,

and if you see anything
at all interesting,

just remember one thing, it's not.

Well, Christmas is early this year.

You guys twins?

Pft, as*h*le.

- Would you like to contribute
to the downtown mission?

- Sure, what can I get
for 150 bucks, gorgeous?

[can and coins clattering]

Oh.

[humming]

[smacking]

What's that noise?

I don't hear anything.

It's coming out of your pants.

- There's something else
that comes out of my pants.

Wanna see?

- Oh!
[can clattering]

[clearing throat]

Thanks, keep the change.

Can I have your autograph?

I beg your pardon?

Well, you are Miss America, aren't you?

Yeah.

Who are you, Mr. Universe?

Hey, where ya headed?

Chicago.

Oh.

That's attractive.

The windy city.

So, what time's your flight?



- Ah, well, I don't know
what you're doing until then,

but I notice that there's a
Hilton right across the street

and I don't know if they have
a 40 minute rate or not but,

[humming]

maybe we could...
[bus engine revving]

Taxi.

[upbeat music]

Hey, I know who you are.

You do?

Yeah, I know exactly who you are

and where you're from.

Really?

New guy from Seattle, right?

Commercial and home loans?

[laughing] How did you know?

My gut. [laughing]

Perry Gordon.

I'm in commercial and home loans myself.

Nice to meet ya, Harold Anderson.

- Yeah, word is you're some
sorta big banking kahuna

from up north.

I heard your letters of
recommendation were unbelievable.

Ah, they're not that great.

- Oh yeah, they were, 'cause I
snuck into Mr. Fisk's office,

read every single one.

[laughing]

Who's that?

Oh, that's Rita, office manager.

I got her a job.

Smartest thing I ever did.

Is she...

Too late, my friend.

All mine.

Yep, she's a noisy one too.

Thank god we work in a bank,

able to close the vault door,
nobody can hear a thing.

Does she have a friend?

I don't know.

Listen, anytime you wanna
hit the night spots,

you give me a call.

Thanks, great, how about now?

[laughing]

You kidding, right?

No.

It's 10 o'clock in the morning.

You haven't met the boss yet.

So?

You got some ba*ls on ya.

- I sure do, two of 'em,
right below my p*nis.

Listen,

I gotta have sex, and I
have to have it right away.

I mean, I'm really, really horny.

I'm getting that.

Anderson?

Yes sir.

I've been waiting for you.

Don Fisk.

Come on in.

Good morning, Mr. Fisk.

[door slamming]

As long as the contractionary

British fiscal policy continues.

Well, I can see we don't need any time

to get acclimated.

Pretty girl.

Oh, that's Rita, the office manager.

She's mine.

We go to Scottsdale every weekend.

I have a condo up there.

By the way, you're free to
use it anytime you like.

Rita?

The condo.

Thanks.

You know, I have never seen such a stack

of glowing recommendations.

If I didn't know better, I'd
think you wrote them yourself.

[laughing]

You know, there's a vice
president's job opening up soon.

I assume you're interested.

No, not necessarily.

- Come on Anderson, it's
okay to be ambitious.

You're only human.

Well.

Well, think it over.

In the meantime, welcome aboard.

[Harold] Thank you.

- We got a wonderful family
of people working here.

It's top quality people.

Except for Perry.

He's a sneaky little prick.

He's always looking for
p*ssy, never doing his job.

I can't stand that.

That is good to know.

Neglected?

Nadine, how can you feel neglected?

What do you mean, we never
do anything together?

What about that trip to New Orleans?

That was a good time, wasn't it?

I don't care if it was four years ago.

I didn't ask ya when it was,

I asked ya if it was a good time.

Don't get all pissy, will ya?

Jesus, I can't even answer your question.

[phone ringing]
Honey, can you hold?

Can you hold please?

Thank you.

[clicking]
Jones.

No, that's closed, Pacific
East flight 769-er?

Yeah, it was the hydraulics.

Arizona West flight 442,

I was just gettin' through that stuff.

Wait a minute, hold on.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to call ya back.

Let me call ya back.

[rumbling, dramatic music]

What the hell?

♫ Gitchy gitchy ya ya da da

♫ Gitchy gitchy ya ya here

♫ Mocha Choca la ta ya ya

You like?

Trust me, this is the
best titty bar in Phoenix.

How many are there?

- This one, and I think
there might be one other,

but I heard it sucks.

You come here a lot?

Once, twice a year.

- Hi Perry.
- [Perry] Hey Cheryl.

Grab me a beer, will ya sweetheart?

Sure, and what would you like?

Someone just like you.

[laughing]

Relative?

I'm your cowboy, baby.

Great, but that noise is getting louder.

Traffic.

Are you sure?

It's rush hour, baby.

Come on, make me feel like a man.

Hmm, hold on mister.

Time to put on your party clothes.

What's that?

A condom.

- Oh, my boss has one
of those in Scottsdale.

He said I can use it.

[laughing]

Great, put it on.

- But baby, I don't want
anything between us.

Just unroll it.

[humming]
[condom snapping]

Oh boy.

[crashing]
[gasping]

What the hell was that?

It slipped.

- Morning.
- Morning.

How'd it go with Cheryl?

- Not good, I had to
rush her to the hospital.

She got some glass in her eye.

Yeah, that happens.

Where we goin' tonight?

I'll take you to a great place.

I'm taking you where I met Rita.

Hi, my name is Doreen, I'm an alcoholic.

- [Group] Hi Doreen.
- Hi.

Today marks my 59th day of sobriety.

[applause]

Thanks, thank you very much.

And I celebrated by calling my parents

to tell 'em about my engagement to Janice.

d*kes, made popular on television,

and now they're everywhere.

- Is there anyone else
who would like to share?

You.

- Hello, get the bread,
I see something tasty.

[Susan] Hi.

This is the first time I've
actually gotten up to speak,

so I'm...

Your name, start with your name.

Oh.

Thanks, of course, I'm sorry.

Um, I'm Susan.

- [Group] Hi Susan.
- [Susan] Hi

Hi Susan.

Anyway, I'm an alcoholic.

I've been sober a couple of months now.

[applause]

Oh, thanks, that's okay.

My father was an a*usive alcoholic.

I guess maybe I'm lucky that
he left when I was seven,

but then my stepfather was an alcoholic,

and so was my second stepfather.

Anyway, I have a history
of picking the wrong men.

[laughing] Big surprise, right?

The thing is, I never knew
I had a drinking problem

because, ever since high school,

I've only dated musicians
and they always told me

I was a lot of fun.

[laughing]

I like what I'm hearing.

But all that's changed now.

I bottomed out.

Uh oh.

I was having fun in uh...

I don't even remember what city.

And when I woke up in the morning

I didn't know where I
was or how I got there

or who the guy was that I was with,

and I thought I should know
at least one of those things.

That's when I came here,
and I stopped putting myself

in situations where I
couldn't respect myself,

so others didn't respect me.

[applause]

She wants respect.

Cuts me out.

Anyway, I took my first step today.

I bought a new car,
and it's gonna be great

to get up in the morning and
remember where I parked it.

[laughing]

Thanks.

[applause]

- [Meeting Host] Would
anyone else like to share?

[group chattering]

It's dead tonight.

Not a weeper in the joint.

Weeper?

Yeah, there's usually one or two gals

get all weepy after the meeting.

That's where you clean up.

You go over, offer 'em a
tissue, bang, you're in.

You really wanna sell it, yank a nose hair

right before you go.

They see the tears, think
you're a kindred spirit,

you are in huge.

Look.
[crying]

Wish me luck.

What happened?

- I did so much blow once, I
didn't sleep for three weeks.

I lost about 15 pounds.

The good thing, I've
been able to keep it off.

Hey!

How are you?

Remember me from the airplane?

Oh yeah, of course.

You hit me really hard.
[laughing]

Bye.

What are you doing here?

Well, I have a slight problem.

You know how it is with the airlines.

You're 30,000 feet in
the air with all those

tiny little bottles.

It's really not my fault.

- Sure.
[laughing]

[crashing]

Oh, damn it!

Oh, you hit my car,

my new car.

I don't believe it!
- What happened?

Oh, don't get excited.

First of all, this isn't new.

This is a 98.

I know a guy who's got one of these.

Hey, it's new to me.

Oh god.

Look at it.

- Well, I guess we're
gonna both have to drive

a little more carefully.

I was parked, as*h*le.

I don't see a lot of damage here,

so I think I'm gonna run, but...

- Right, right, I bought it
with a cracked tail light,

dented fender package.

I wanna see your drivers
license, your registration,

and your insurance.

Can't we settle this without bringing

insurance companies into this?

No.

Okay.

- And if you try to worm
your way outta this,

I will hunt you down
and cut your heart out

with my hood ornament.

Have we dated?

[humming]
[muffled romantic music]

I'm not very good in bed.

[Harold] Oh no, you're great.

No, my boyfriend once said

it was like trying to start a dead car.

You've gotta help me.

You've got to uncross your legs.

I told you, I'm not very good in bed.

I'm sorry.

What is that humming sound?

- Oh, I think it's the tendon
in your legs vibrating.

[phone ringing]

Oh, you know what?

Just, can you, one second.

[beeping]

Hello?

Oh, I was just thinking
about you too, Steve.

- Hurry up, we don't
wanna lose our momentum.

Shh.

Hi.

I miss you too.
[smacking]

Is she there?

Okay, okay.

Bye.

Ready for more?

Ugh, I can't do this.

I'm in love with a
married pilot from Dallas.

That's our hub.

Uh huh.

You know who I really sorry for?

His wife.

He's off cheating on her.

With you?

Get out.

What'd I do?

I'm crazy about ya baby.

- Get out!
- You smell nice.

- To think I almost
opened up to you, get out!

[Harold] Are those your shoes?

Out!

[Harold] Those are beautiful shoes.

[quirky music]

- You're certainly in
a hurry this morning.

Aren't you gonna eat?

Mmm.

Gotta get to the office.

You mean you have to get to her?

What?

You're having an affair, aren't you?

What's wrong with you?

You hate work.

All you talk about is how it bores you,

and suddenly you're rushing out the door

to get to your job.

What's her name?

I'm not having an affair.

- It's that Pamela person that
works down the hall from you.

I've seen the way she
looks at you, Roland.

The woman is a sl*t.

She's in a wheelchair, Nadine.

- Yeah, and don't think
she hasn't played that

for all it's worth.

Okay, you wanna know what's going on?

You wanna know the truth?

I think I deserve that much.

- Okay, this is classified so
it's just between you and me.

A couple of days ago on
an Arizona West flight,

there was an incident.

The crew almost lost control.

One of the passengers was sh**ting video.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this,

but something made
contact with that plane,

and the thing is, Nadine, I
don't have an answer for it.

For the first time in 22 years,

I don't know what the hell happened.

There's somethin' about
that, about the not knowing.

Look at me, I'm gettin'
goosebumps just thinking about it.

It's what I've been waitin' for, babe.

I've been waitin' for this,
and now it's finally come.

You understand what I'm
talkin' about, don't ya?

Does she have bigger t*ts than me?

I'm gonna figure this out.

I'll take that as a yes.

I'll be late.

[saucy band music]

[thumping]
- Oh!

[glass shattering]

[thudding]

- [Man] Damn.
[whistling]

Can I help you?

I'm looking for Perry.

Oh, you know Perry?

Yeah, but not too well.

I'm his wife.

His wife?

Well, Perry's a very
lucky man, if I may say.

Very lucky.

Harold Anderson.

Helen.

He's probably in the vault.

[saucy band music]

Excuse me, I'm looking for Perry Gordon.

Do you think it's okay
if I wait in his office?

Sure, that'll be fine.

- All right, thank you.
- Hi.

Hi.

Oh, hey.

Were you at the AA meeting last night?

Yes, I saw you there.

Your speech was very good.

Thanks.

Do you work here?

- Commercial and home
loans, not too exciting.

Just a normal guy.

There's nothing wrong with normal.

Do you know where Perry Gordon is?

Oh, you know Perry?

Well, no.

He backed into my car last night.

I've got an estimate for him.

Could you give this to him?

Sure.

You have beautiful handwriting.

That's the mechanic.

- Oh.
[laughing]

Well, this part down here
where you signed your name,

lovely.

So, how long you been in the program?

- Program?
- AA.

Oh, oh that.

No, I'm not involved in the program.

Perry just took me there.

Oh, so he's in the program?

Uh, not that I know of.

You know, this would make
fantastic dinner conversation.

Are you doing anything tonight?

So, what were you doing there, then?

Just checking it out.

Have you had any chance
to think about dinner yet?

Oh god, I get it.

You're one of those guys
that goes to AA meetings

to pick up women, that's sick.

How can you take advantage
of people like that?

Perry took me there.

I had no idea what it was.

How's eight?

Oh, excuse me, may I?

Here's the estimate, okay?

And I hope the next time
you take one of your

pathetic little jaunts to AA,

you drive a bit more carefully.

What is she talking about?

I am as confused as you are, sweetheart.

Oh come on.

Look, I just put everything
I have into this car.

If you don't wanna go
through your insurance, fine.

Write me a check, I'll wait.

Is that where you were last night?

That's what you didn't wanna tell me.

You were at an AA meeting?

Now you know.

I hope you're happy.

You'll get your check.

But, why couldn't you tell me?

- Because, I wasn't sure
that I was strong enough

to stay committed to the program,

and I didn't wanna disappoint
you if I dropped out.

[Helen] Oh baby, I had no idea.

- It's been tough but,
thank god, so far so good.

That's such a brave thing you're doing.

I can hardly believe it.

- One day at a time,
sugar, one day at a time.

I'll walk ya out.

You know, I love you so much.

Now that I know, I'm gonna
do everything in my power

to make sure you never take another drink

for the rest of your life.

Thank you.

That was his wife?

Yeah.

- He's married, and he's
going to AA meetings

to pick up women?

What a humongous sleazebag.

Are you married?
- Nope.

So I guess that means we're on for dinner?

No.

Nice meeting you.

What planet are you from?

What do you mean?

- Well, I guess you really
wanna go out with me.

I say no and you're like,
okay, and that's that.

I mean, put a little effort
into it, why don't you?

Are you asking me out?

No, no I'm not asking you out.

Why would you think that?

If I was asking a man out, he'd know it.

- Right.
- Yeah.

You know, I have a feeling that you're not

what you appear to be.

You smell nice.

Thanks.

Something new, just bought it today.

God, why was it never
this complicated before?

Oh, I know why.

Because before, by now
I'd already be drunk

and in bed with the guy.

How's six o'clock?

Damn it, fine, anything.

Seven.



Fine.

[water splashing]

Tell me something about yourself.

- My name is Harold
Anderson, I work in a bank.

And?

More?

[laughing] I never met a man

that talks less about himself.

Where were you born?

My turn to ask a question.

What do you do for a living?

- Well, I worked in a
guitar shop for a long time,

but when I got sober I realized
I had to get out of there.

You know, too many negative influences.

Uh huh, such as?

- Well, musicians for one.
- Uh huh.

- And I think there was a
sign over the door that said

come in and pick up the nearest guitar

and play the beginning
of Stairway to Heaven

as badly as you can.
- Uh huh.

I mean, I was close to going postal.

So what are you doing now?

- Well, don't laugh but, I'm
working as a real estate agent.

Uh huh.

[laughing] Yeah.

Yeah, a friend of mine has an office

and she helped me study for my license,

so now I'm out there
trying to sell houses.

Uh huh, uh huh, how's it going?

- I guess it's okay, but
I'm like six weeks into it

and come to find out
that you don't get paid

until you sell something,
which is like, oh great.

[laughing]

So what exactly is your mission?

[dish clanking]

I'm sorry?

Your mission, in life.

Like my mission is to get to know myself

so that I can actually end
up focusing less on myself

and more on others.

I think.

- I believe I was put here
on earth to have a child.

Wow.

I've never heard a man say that.

I would love to have kids.

I just hope I'm ready, because you know,

we transfer all our
dysfunction onto our kids

and I don't want to be guilty of that.

I've already totally f*cked up my dog.

[romantic guitar music]

I want to have a child.

That's all I want.

[humming]

What is that noise?

Cheap sound system.

I don't trust you.

Why?

Because all men are the same.

They'll say whatever they have to

to get into your pants.

That's terrible.

But what would it be?

What?

- The thing I'd have to
say to get into your pants?

[laughing]

It's a little messy.

How long you been working on it?

Oh, just a couple of months but,

I can already tell I'm never gonna stop.

You know, one day I'm happy,

oh, the breakfast nook should
be yellow, bright and sunny.

The next minute I'm
down, I repaint it blue.

It was black a couple of days ago.

Black breakfast nook?

Yeah, doesn't work, trust me.

- Why don't you take that
arch thing out altogether?

[Susan] That whole thing?

Why not?

I have a feeling that what's out there

is more interesting anyway.

[door scraping open]

What are these?

Oh, um,

part of this whole thing that I'm doing,

this whole changing thing.

I'm supposed to turn myself
over to a higher power.

My only problem is, I'm
having a little trouble

choosing one, so I'm just covering my a*s.

Higher power?

- Yeah, god, or whatever
you wanna call it.

I'm looking into each one

until I find the one
that connects with me.

How will you know?

I'll just know.

How?

Well, I'll feel something, I guess.

This one looks very old.

Actually, it's not old.

I got this on QVC.

[humming]

You don't care about this.

You're just tricking me.

- There's no way to
prove that a god exists.

So?

So then, why look?

That's not the point.

Then what is the point?

Oh god, I knew it.

I knew this normal guy, normal life thing

had a big catch.

Harold please, Harold, I have to stop.

No, I, I can't do this.

Part of this whole thing,

this whole thing about me changing my life

and living by a different set of rules is,

you're gonna laugh, but
I've actually decided

I'm not gonna have sex
until I get married.

Sorry?

- You see, I am finally free
not to have to have sex.

Do you have any water?

Nevermind, I'll help myself.

[chiming]
[booming]

Thanks for coming.

- I don't understand what
we have to talk about.

Have you gotten a woman pregnant yet?

I'm very close, but there are variables

the simulator didn't prepare me for.

I warned you about that.

You're close?

- Yes, but the woman I
have the best chance with

she wants to get married.

Three billion females on the planet

and you pick one that
wants to get married.

- Yes.
- That is bad luck.

- What should I do?
- Marry her.

But I'm not trained for marriage.

Perry tells me it's a living hell.

Who's Perry?

This guy at work.

He didn't even think Susan was that hot.

Who's Susan?

Why is she hot, is she on fire?

Susan is the woman.

You know the projections.

Earth probes are at Jupiter right now.

In three generations,
they'll know about us.

Our takeover must be complete by then.

Marry her, impregnate her,
and don't call for me again.

The more we make contact,
the greater the risk

of being discovered.

[whooshing]

Thanks a lot.

- Did you notice anything
unusual about the jolt

that hit the airplane?

- Well, it wasn't like
anything I've ever experienced.

Did you see anything fly by the aircraft

around the time of the jolt?

- No, I was busy trying to
keep things calm in the cabin.

A lot of panic?

You could imagine.

Except for one jerk.

He started hitting on me right after.

He acted like nothing even happened.

Can you believe that?

- Tell me about the guy
that was hitting on you.

- Darn it, I knew I
shouldn't have said anything.

Okay, I went out with a passenger.

I'm guilty.

Excuse me?

- Listen, I know we're not
supposed to date passengers,

but I met this guy after
the flight at a function.

We went back to my place,
but nothing happened.

So you first noticed him after the jolt?

Yes, he was very obnoxious.

What was he like before the jolt?

- Well, I don't remember
seeing him before the jolt.

- Did you notice anything
peculiar or unusual about him?

Not really.

Until we got to my place,
then there was something odd.

Go on.

- Again, nothing happened but,
while we were fooling around

there was this strange humming sound

coming from his pants.

From the front or the back?

The front, from the crotch area.

I don't suppose you remember his name?

Harold Anderson.

[clicking]

[beeping]

- There was no Harold
Anderson on that flight.

[dramatic orchestral music]

[pounding]

[Susan] Oh my god.

- We're going to have a
problem funding your loan

because we did some checking,

and it turns out there's
five frozen yogurt places

right within a one mile radius.

Hey stranger.

Hey, it's you.

- I'm thinking about
opening an account here.

- Great.
- Yeah.

I don't have a lot of money.

I have uh, seven dollars and 35 cents.

I'd like to put some of it into a T bill,

some of it into the stock market,

and the rest I'd just like
to save for a rainy day.

Would you think about marrying me?

[laughing]

All right, I deserved that.

No, I'm serious.

I was thinking about what
you said the other night.

- Oh god, everything
I said the other night

was such a turn off.

I went completely overboard.

It was typical Susan.

You know what?

There was some of that, but,

Susan, what is your last name?

Um, Hart.

- Susan Hart, would you do
me the honor of marrying me?

Oh, you're serious.

I'm serious, Susan

I wanna marry you.

I mean, I could court you for three months

or six months or a year.

We could really get to know each other

and then break up, or,
we could do something

that I think we both want now,

and that's have a child.

- Wow, and I just came
in to ask you to lunch.

You really mean this?

Yes.

Can I think about it?

Well, if you think you have to.

Oh, hmm.

This room will be perfect for the baby.

Oh, you have a baby?

We're having one, in about six months.

Congratulations, that's wonderful.

I'm sure they'll accept our offer.

You're gonna be very happy here.

- Well thanks for everything,
you've been great.

We'll talk to you soon.

What?

- Why don't you just f*ck
her right in front of me?

You're never gettin' pregnant again.

Never.

[gentle string music]

It's insanity.

Come on Suze, you're off the booze,

you're off the musicians,

you're finally free of all that bullshit

and now you wanna get married?

And to a man you barely know?

Don't make me put
together an intervention.

I don't have time for that.
- Thank you.

[Madeline] Where the hell's the waiter?

This is Susan's life.

She knows what's best for her.

It's not our place to pass judgement.

- That's right, if she
wants to get married

and make a complete idiot of
herself, then it's her choice.

Is that the waiter, hello?

- No, that's just a g*y
guy without a jacket.

Why is getting married a bad choice?

- [Madeline] Oh please.
- [Alison] Oh come on,

she doesn't even know the man.

Well, there is something to be said

for going to the end of the
diving board and jumping off.

I mean, life is short.

Yeah, until you marry the wrong guy

and then it gets pretty g*dd*mn long.

[Alison] Amen.

- You know, I am almost
completely dehydrated.

Well, what do you wanna do, Susan?

I mean, what are you feeling?

- I can tell you exactly
what she's thinking.

She thinks being single is great,

but then she goes out onto the street

or she goes into people's homes,

and then she just sees
these babies everywhere.

They're taking over.

I used to think the very same thing,

and then I would look
at those little shits

and it would make me so angry

because it looks like they're
taunting you by saying,

"Why don't you have one of me yet?

"Why are you such a big a loser?"

You don't like my baby?

Liz, your baby's adorable.

As soon as her head gets normal,

she's gonna be gorgeous, Liz.

Her head is normal.

I'm kidding.

Now wait just a minute, I wanna find out

more about this guy.

Is he rich?

- [Liz] You can't ask that.
- [Madeline] Why not?

- [Alison] Because,
she doesn't know, okay?

And how can you have a child with a man

that you don't even know?

- [Madeline] Excuse me, you
were artificially inseminated,

remember?

- [Alison] Yes I was,
but I knew the technician

longer than she's known this guy.

I'm out of time.

Oh, do you really have to go?

No.

I'm running out of time.

No, I think that would be great.

I'm looking forward to it.

[beeping]

Oh, hold on, someone's on the other line.

Hello?

Hi, Harold?

It's me.

Hey me.

Yes.

The answer is yes.

I will marry you.

Hold on a second.

[clicking]

Uh Debbie, listen, I'm not gonna be able

to go rollerblading with
you this weekend after all.

I'm getting married, bye.

[clicking]
I'm back, Mrs. Anderson.

I like the sound of that.

Me too.

You sure you don't mind?

- No, no, no, I'll handle
it, is this everything?

- Yeah, this is all of my
work for the next week,

so if any of my clients call you,

you'll have all their information.

You are fast, man.

I didn't even know you were doing her.

I'm not.

- You're marrying a woman
you've never had sex with?

Are you insane?

Didn't you see the crying game?

You think she's got the
goods under her skirt,

you lift it up, it's Oscar Meyer time.

Really.

Oh my god, is this your
third quarter report?

- Yeah, Fisk won't need
this 'til I get back.

- Damn it.
- What?

Let's go.

Listen to me, what am
I talking about here?

I'm such a downer.

Imagine not banging your
wife until you're married.

How romantic is that?

Right.

[laughs] You have a great wedding.

Everything will work out fine.

Not that that's ever
happened, I'm kidding.

Congratulations.

Hey, thanks again for doing this.

Go get her, tiger.

[lively string music]

[bells chiming]

I promise to respect you,

even if I don't always understand you.

Um, I will honor you and take care of you,

and though it's not politically correct,

I will obey you as long as
your request is reasonable.

I will be mother to your children,

and love you until death do us part.

Very nice.

Harold?

Present.

No, your vows are next.

- [Officiator] This is
where they all get nervous.

- Susan, I'm so happy
we're getting married.

Well, you know what they say.

Sometimes less is more.

Harold and Susan, by
the powers granted in me

by the state of Nevada,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You can kiss the bride.

[festive organ music]

♫ People was dancing all in the street

♫ See the rhythm all in their feet

[moaning]

[Susan] Oh, oh Harold!

[screaming]
[moaning]

♫ Let the music take control

♫ All night long

♫ All night long

♫ All night long

♫ All night long

[grunting]

[screaming]

♫ All night long

Stop, stop.

I never thought I'd say this,
but I can't take it anymore.

- A few more times.
- No.

Where did you learn that?

Learn what?

You're amazing.

I've had so many orgasms.

Some are still stacked up waiting to land.

Aren't you tired?

Tired of waiting.

Come on, let's get it on.

Let's talk.

Okay.

- [Susan] I loved our
wedding, but I still wish

we'd gotten married in a
church with a lot of people.

I always dreamed our wedding like that.

Me too.

Stop, stop.

I thought we'd take one
of those helicopter trips

over Hoover dam or something.

When we could be making love?

Harold, I need a break.

We've been screwing for 21 hours non-stop.

We've had room service.

We did it while I ate.

If I'd known that was gonna happen,

I wouldn't have ordered the soup.

You know, this is what I heard happens

after you get married, the
woman loses interest in sex.

Harold, I love sex with you but,

I wanna do something that involves,

oh I don't know, standing.

Let's do some goofy tourist thing.

Like what?

♫ All night long, all night

♫ All night long

So, back to the room then?

[laughing]

[water splashing]

♫ All night long, all night

Knock knock.

- Perry, I am very
impressed with this work.

Thank you.

Not only have you done your work,

but it looks like you've
done Anderson's work as well,

because this third quarter
report is brilliant.

I didn't know you had it in ya.

- Well, now you do, and I hope
you'll keep that in mind sir

when you're picking a new
vice president for this bank.

Well I have to admit that Harold

had the inside track but...

- You know, I don't know
if I trust Anderson.

It's strange, but what kinda guy

marries a chick after one date?

Smell some sorta weird cult thing.

[laughs] I mean, I've no
facts at all to back that up,

but they show up dead with 30
or 40 of their best friends,

then we'll know for sure.

Well, I'm sure he's not...

- And not to tell tales,
but he is kinda lazy,

except for when you're around.

The rest of the time he sits around here

talking about his time spent in prison.

Ah, wasn't even supposed to mention that.

- I'm back.
- Oh!

Harold, hello.

Hey, buddy, how was the honeymoon?

Good, great.

How was Vegas?

Eh, nevermind.

How many times you bang the wifey?



[laughing]

[horn honking]

[Perry] Come on, how many?



Are you serious?



- Harold, there's a Mr.
Roland Jones here to see you.

Excuse me.

I thought you said he was lazy?

[clicking]

[suspenseful music]

Hi, Harold Anderson.

Roland Jones.

- Have a seat.
- Thank you.

I won't take up much of your time.

I'm with the Federal Aviation Authority.

- Oh, don't tell me the
government needs a loan.

[laughing]

That's another story.

Maybe you can help me out here.

You were on an Arizona
West flight from Seattle

a couple of weeks ago, were you not?

I believe I was.

I'd have to check my date
planner, I do a lot of flying.

- Well let me help to
remind you of the flight.

The plane experienced a
severe episode of turbulence

that frightened a lot of the passengers.

- Well, I don't remember
it being that scary.

I remember a small bump and then,

was there something mechanically wrong

with the plane that caused that?

Do you still have your ticket?

It would really be a help.

- I wish I did, I throw
all that stuff out.

You don't save it for the records?

No, don't keep records.

Don't tell my boss.

I could win a Pulitzer Prize for fiction

for some of my expense reports.

[laughing]

I won't waste anymore of your time.

Woops, a little light reading.

Have you seen this
month's issue of Playboy?

Check out this month's Playmate.

Tell me if you think
those babies are real.

[humming]

[whirring]

I think those are real.

Me too.

I'll be in touch.

God.

[laughing]

Okay, so, where are the pictures?

Pictures?

Of the honeymoon.

As my friend you have a moral obligation

to bore the sh*t out of me
with your honeymoon pictures.

Well, I don't have any.

- Oh come on, you didn't
take any pictures?

- No, I took some, but I wanted
to get the roll filled up

before I had it processed.

Okay wait, you took less than one roll

of pictures on your honeymoon?

- Yeah.
- [Liz] What is that?

- I guess she was kept
busy doing other things.

You could say that.

[laughing]

It was pretty great.

I'll bet, I'll bet, I'll bet.

There's just one thing.

Yes well, there's always one thing.

Now I don't know how serious this is

or if I should be worried but...

What?

Well, how should I put this?

When he's aroused, his p*nis vibrates.

Hey, two, two, two mints in one.

- Wait a second, what
do you mean it vibrates?

Vibrates is not really the word.

It's more like a, there's a humming sound.

Humming.

Hey, I was with a black guy once

and his p*nis whistled
when he got excited.

Oh stop it.

It did not.

What did it whistle?

The score from Guys and Dolls.

It just whistled, isn't that enough?

You would ask that.

- Every time we had sex, I
thought I was making tea.

I love it, I love it.

[laughing]

[Susan] Hi honey, you're home, hi.

You remember the girls.

Yes, hello.

Oh, hello.

[door banging]

Showtime.

[laughing]

I guess you don't like my friends.

Why do you say that?

Well, you barely acknowledged them.

What's the problem?

I don't know, they're your friends.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I had a bad day at work.

Oh, you wanna talk about it?

Well...

Have you taken the pregnancy test yet?

- No, but I'll take another
one in a couple of days.

Harold, you're not even looking
at me when I talk to you.

Okay, you're looking at me

but you're not really looking at me.

- I'm looking right at you
and listening, I swear.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's probably not you, it's probably me.

Can we just try to have a conversation?

[humming]

Oh Christ, turn that thing off.

[ominous music]

- [Harold] Maybe you
should pee on it again.

You pee on it, I'm done.

I just wanna know for sure.

You know, I'm starting to feel like

I'd be worth nothing to
you if I couldn't conceive.

I mean, what if I can't have a baby?

Do you ever think about that?
- You can have a baby.

- I led a pretty wild life,
all that sex and drinking.

You know, maybe I can't conceive.

- How much sex and drinking?
- That's not the point.

Well you brought it up.

How would we know for sure?

I don't know.

I'd have to have an exam.

Well let's call and schedule something.

I have to talk to you.

[sighing]

What?

Nothing.

You said you wanted to talk.

I changed my mind.

Okay.

Harold, what are you thinking?

- Who?
- You.

What are you thinking right now?

Uh, I don't remember.

- Look, it's not like the
world is gonna stop spinning

if I can't have a child, you know.

I mean, there's such a thing as adoption.

That's a viable alternative.

What are you thinking now?

I'm thinking that you're telling me

you can't have a baby.

Is that all you're thinking?

Let me think.

Yeah.

I wanna have a child.

You know, I'm as in to
having a child as you are,

but I'm getting this vibe from you,

this vibe that says, I don't know,

I'm holding out on you or I don't want it

as much as you do.

Well, whether I can have
a child or if I can't,

there has to be more to this relationship.

Like, for instance,
maybe some communication

and a little feeling, which
is not what I'm getting.

I suggest you start opening up here

and stop pressuring me about the baby,

because at this point
I'm ready to buy a baby

and shove it up your a*s.

This might be a good
time to sit next to me

and try to comfort me.

You might wanna consider
putting your arm around me.

You should try to put
some feeling into it.

Not that kind of feeling!

Jesus, Harold.

At times like this I feel
like I don't even know you.

Well you don't.

Maybe that's why you're
having that feeling.

What?

You don't really know me, you don't.

I don't know what to say.

Why don't you just try talking to me

like a human being.

I have to take a little walk.

I'll be right back.

[chiming]
[whirring]

[Graydon] Why are you drinking?

You gotta get me outta this.

You know, when we met, she liked it

that I didn't talk about myself.

Now she wants to know every damn thing

I'm thinking and feeling.

- Who?
- Susan, the wife.

It's a living hell.

And this guy, Perry, at work, he turned in

my third quarter report and
claimed the work was his own.

What if he gets that promotion?

I am this close to taking off
the p*nis and coming home.

You will do no such thing.

Your p*nis is staying right where it is.

How's it working, by the way?

Oh, it's a major pain in the a*s.

They installed it too far back?

No, it hums.

I'll have them work on it.

That's why you're here, so
we can make adjustments.

- She thinks she might not
even be able to have a baby.

Isn't that great?

What am I supposed to do
if she can't have a child?

- I've got four million men
waiting for you to succeed.

If this woman can't have a baby,

find someone who can and get her pregnant.

All right, I'll cheat on my wife.

I don't know what that means.

I want you to complete your mission.

Fine, I'll get someone else pregnant.

Stop drinking.

And don't worry, I'll get
on your p*nis right away.

Oh, could you say that a little louder?

[door slamming]

- Just put it in
triplicate, give it to him.

[ringing]
Wait, hang on.

Hang on!

Hello?

Yeah, Randy just talk, I can hear ya.

Arizona West 771?

The same kind of jolt?

How many jolts were there?

Okay listen, listen to me.

Do you have a passenger list there?

Okay.

Is there a Harold Anderson on board?

There is?
[beeping]

What a coincidence.

[dramatic orchestral music]

I'm an alien from another planet.

[snorting] Really?

Yeah, somewhere way the hell out there.

- How come you don't
have a head like a pear

with the big eyes?

Well you know, there's a lotta aliens.

We're not the only ones.

Those guys with the big heads scare me.

I wouldn't wanna bump into one of them.

I hear they perform those a**l probes.

How primitive is that technology?

"Hello, we've come six trillion
miles to study your a*s.

"We're proctologists from space."

[laughing]

Can I have another one here?

What's it all about?

[slamming]

Yeah, go ahead and rest.

Hey Helen.

- [Helen] Harold.
- Hey.

Helen, right?

Yeah.

Who's your friend?

Oh, that's my personal shopper.

Unfortunately, she only
knows how to buy booze.

[laughing]

I think I'll bum one of her cigarettes.

You think she'll miss it?

- At this point, I don't
think she'd miss a limb.

[laughing] Light me.

Thanks.

So how's work?

Bank stuff, nothing exciting.

Nothing exciting?

I wouldn't say that.

I've always loved numbers and math,

ever since I was a little girl.

I find it fascinating.

And you get to deal with
all that money all day.

Mm, just thinkin' about it makes me hot.

[humming]

Oh, you're making a noise.

That's my p*nis.

It hums.

Guess it doesn't know the words.

I could teach it a few.

[moaning]

[humming fading]

What's the matter?

Nothing.

[suspenseful music]

[smacking]

God damn it, come on.

[banging]

Damn it.

[clicking]
[shower curtain clattering]

I'm sorry Helen, I can't do this.

- I can do whatever you
need, what do you need?

I need to go home.

To your wife?

Don't tell me you feel guilty.

Guilty?

[somber string music]

[light clicking]

♫ Just when you're found
with your chin on the ground

♫ There's a lot to be learned

♫ So look around

♫ Just what makes that little old ant

♫ Think he'll move that rubber tree plant

♫ Anyone knows an ant can't

♫ Move a rubber tree plant

♫ But he's got high hopes

♫ He's got high hopes

♫ He's got high apple pie in the sky hopes

Congratulations dad, we're pregnant!

[squealing]

I don't believe it, I did it!

I helped.

Now you can't leave me.

[lively orchestral music]

- Morning Melanie.
- Mornin'.

Jessie, how are the kids?

Great.

Dave, don't say it.

Have a cigar, I can tell
from the look on your face

you got some last night.
[laughing]

Good man.

[moaning]

[gasping]

Morning Harold.

I heard the good news, congratulations.

Thank you.

By the way, I've been
thinking a bit more seriously

about that promotion.

I hope you haven't made up your mind yet.

- Ah, well it's close
between you and Perry.

His third quarter report was a knockout,

but we'll see what happens.

Speaking of Perry, you seen him?

He's in the vault, he's lookin' for ya.

- Thank you Harold.
- You're welcome.

- [News Reporter] So, you
see the balance of power

changing eventually in the Middle East?

- [Interviewee] Well
it has to, eventually,

because a high percentage of Israelis

practice birth control,
whereas a high percentage

of people in the Arab nation do not.

- [News Reporter] You know,
I've heard this theory

but it sounds a little bit crazy,

maybe even a little paranoid.

- [Interviewee] Now,
your interpretation of it

might be paranoid, but the fact is

that the Arabs are having more children,

and in a matter of a couple of generations

they'll be able to control
the voting in Israel,

hence take over.

[News Reporter] So what are you saying?

That they're getting control form within?

[Interviewee] That's the idea.

- [News Reporter] Well, what
about your feelings on...

[suspenseful music drowns
out radio news program]

I think I've got it.

I think I know why he's here.

What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

You're leaving?

I found this in your bottom drawer

under your winter pants.

That's not for your eyes, Nadine.

Can you tell me why you have a picture

of a naked man touching
himself in the drawer

under your winter pants?

It's not a man, that's the alien.

Oh, oh, the alien.

Alien slash banker.

- I don't know what I'll do
if you tell me you're g*y,

so please don't tell me that.

I'm not g*y.

I'm tracking an alien.

He's here to have sex with our women.

You can't tell it from the picture,

but his p*nis hums.

It makes a noise like
that water heater we had

in that timeshare at Deer Valley.

I'm not making this up, Nadine.

I'm going to prove everything.

Oh my god, you've done it again, Roland.

It's always like this with you, isn't it?

You get obsessed with things,

anything to avoid intimacy.

You lost your first wife
'cause you got hooked on golf,

your second wife because of other women.

Hey, you were one of 'em.

Golf I can understand.

Other women I can understand.

But this?

Aliens having sex with people?

How does that make me feel?

Please, please, please just tell me

that you're having an affair

with a beautiful female
stripper instead of a man

so that I can at least look at myself

in the mirror in the morning.

Baby, I swear I'm not.

This is not what I want my life to be.

I think Helen's having an affair.

What makes you think that?

- I found a belt in my
bedroom that wasn't mine.

You sure it's not yours?

Positive, it was Armani.

I don't wear Armani,
only q*eers wear Armani.

I think he did her in the shower.

The curtain was all ripped to sh*t.

Maybe she slipped.

Everything's weird.

Fisk walked into the vault yesterday.

Two seconds earlier he
woulda caught me and Rita.

Wow.

- Did you tell Fisk I was
in the vault with Rita?

You f*ck' my wife?

No, and no.

You sure?

Why would I do that?

To get even with you for giving Fisk

my third quarter report?

Whoa, whoa, where does that come from?

What did I do to deserve that, Harold,

other than just extend
the hand of friendship

and helping you in general?

After everything I've done for you?

What have you done for me?

- What have I done, what
have I done for you?

That hurts worse.

Did I not take you to the
place where you met your wife?

Did I not do that for you?

- Sorry.
- [Perry] It's okay.

Sorry.

Geez, just try to relax.

You are wound as tight as a drum.

Do us both a favor, okay?

I'll be in the vault for about 30 minutes.

If you see Fisk, cover for me.

Sure.

as*h*le.

Not you, sir.

- [Announcer] They try
the reverse to Specca.

Has some running room.

Cuts it back inside, but
the pursuit will catch up.

That's Tim Schaefer,
the right cornerback,

coming over to chase him out of bounds.

On the wet field, it just takes too long

for a reverse to really have it.

I expect he gets the ball.

You can see that quarterback number 14,

Jason Behr with a block
that just takes too long,

and Tim Schaefer...

Hi.

Hi dad.

Hi.

- Come on, you wanna go in the
other room and fool around?

Fourth quarter.

Is there something wrong?

No.

Why?

I hope I'm not gonna say this.

I am.

It seems like you're more
distant since I got pregnant,

or is it just my hormones?

I think it's just your hormones.

I don't think so.

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

- You're distant, you
haven't touched me in weeks.

Oh, oh are you gonna turn that off?

No, I'm just gonna turn the sound up.

Oh okay, let me.

[crashing]

Okay, maybe I haven't touched you

as much as I used to, but that's no reason

to destroy the remote.

I mean, come on now.

Where are you going?

I'm going to buy a new remote,

otherwise we're gonna have
to keep getting up and down.

- Excuse me, we have plans,
or have you forgotten?

We have plans?

- Yes, I was thinking
about going and looking

at cribs for the baby.

You didn't tell me that.

Well I'm telling you now.

You know what?

Don't let me hold you up.

You just go and get your precious remote.

We won't worry about the crib.

The baby can sleep in a dresser drawer

for the first year of its life.

Just go.

What are you doing?

You said go.

Bye.

It's called a universal remote.

It comes with codes for
every make and model

of television and VCR, and all you do

is punch in the code for your equipment

and you're in business.

Yes, modern technology.

You said it.

What do you think of Aaron?

Who's Aaron?

No, for the baby if it's a boy.

[beeping]

You said you were six weeks pregnant?

Yeah.

Is something wrong?

Who are you calling?

Tom, could you come in here a second?

Oh, I'm sure it's nothing
to be alarmed about.

Have you been having any
pain or any other symptoms

that are out of the ordinary?

No, no I haven't had a single problem.

I haven't even had morning sickness.

Oh Tom,

look at this.

[beeping]

Looks like a perfectly formed

four or five month old fetus.

Yeah, she's at six weeks.

I'm scared.

There's nothing to worry about.

He said it was healthy, that's
the important thing, right?

Did you see Rosemary's Baby?

Rosemary who?

No, no, it's...

You need to rest.

Just sit down and don't think about it.

Oh thanks.

No problem.

Easy, easy.
- Thanks.

There you go, okay.

Don't.

- Thank you all so much,
thank you, thank you Hank.

Hey Anderson!

You're a little late, it's 11 o'clock.

I'll let it slide, seeing
as it's my first day

as vice president.

[laughing]

You got the promotion?

And you didn't.

Well, there is always five years from now.

Champagne?

Harold, don't take it so hard.

[door slamming]

Do I smell tears?

What is your f*cking problem?

You stole my third quarter report.

And, you've been having sex

with a coworker during office hours,

and you got the promotion
which can only mean

you've also been blowing the boss.

You know what?

I've met some pathetic
human beings in my life,

but you take the cake.

Oh, like you're so much better.

You don't think I knew it was you

who sent Fisk to the vault that time?

And the Armani belt?

It was yours, you prick!

Maybe you wouldn't have to go around

banging other people's wives

if your old lady wasn't a drunk.

[thudding]
[groaning]

You're crazy!

I don't even remember hitting him.

All I know is he was
talking and I was filled

with this feeling of, I don't know what,

because he got the promotion
and because he stole my work

and now he's gonna make more money than me

and we have a baby on
the way, and I hit him.

I don't know who I am anymore.

You're being too hard on yourself.

You're just human, that's all.

Oh sh*t, I'm bleeding.

No you're not, you're crying.

[sentimental string music]

I love the way you look at the stars.

Oh I was just, you know, looking.

No, there's something different.

Most people when they look at the stars

they look all over.

You're always very focused,
like you're looking

at the same one every time.

I feel so much better when I'm with you.

- That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

- I didn't say it to be
nice, it's just, a fact.

That's even nicer, I guess.

- I'm sorry about that
whole thing with the remote.

That's okay.

[humming]

Are you gonna make love to me?

I believe so.

I'm pregnant.

I know.

[laughing]

[lively string music]

[Man] I don't know what the problem is.

- The problem is, you have
a problem listening to me.

What are you talking about?

Stop being so stubborn, okay?

I'm being stubborn?

[arguing drowned out by string music]

Hi.

Harold, why are you here?

I think we should buy this house.

- What?
- That's right, why not?

Come on, it's a beautiful house.

And you know what?

This is perfect for the baby.

Harold, you can't be serious.

I am, I'm dead serious.

Harold!

- [Harold] Come on, you won't
be needing this anymore.

[Susan] I don't believe this!

Let's take a look.

It's gonna be so great.

Look, this is our cactus.

I couldn't even imagine it.

I don't either.

- Universal domination,
taking over from the inside

through deception and fraud.

I know it sounds improbable,

but I believe in what I'm saying 110%.

So, this person is here to have sex?

Correct.

Did they run out of p*ssy on his planet?

I know it sounds insane,

but I have here the passenger
list of all three flights

that experienced the
same strange turbulence.

Harold Anderson was on all
these flights, gentlemen.

Explain that, and you will
never hear another word

from me about this subject.

Oh, it's too small.

Try raising your hands over your head.

[laughing]

- Well, how often do you
have to raise your hands

higher than this?

Honey, it's perfect.

No, I'll exchange it.

Your turn, I got you a present.

Open it.

[laughing]

All right.

Oh!

It's the crib!

This is the one I wanted.

This one's for the baby, but maybe

you can both squeeze into it.

Oh god.

What's wrong?

I feel like I'm being ripped apart!

It's okay, just hang on.

You're driving too fast.

I thought you wanted me to hurry.

I do, but slow down.

[horn honking]
[screaming]

[fast-paced orchestral music]

[tires squealing]

[groaning]

Oh god!

Is this amount of pain normal?

[Doctor] Yes.

Did you hear that?

This amount of pain's
normal, that's a good sign.

Shut up, as*h*le.

She's fine.

[dog barking]

[Neighbor Woman] They're not home.

The Andersons?

- They're at the hospital
having their baby.

I love babies.

sh*t, which hospital?

Oh, she told me a couple of weeks ago.

It's a woman's name.

Think.

Saint Agnes.

No wait, that's my name.

It was, Saint Agatha's.

[Doctor] Give us another push, Susan.

[panting]

Why are there so many people here?

- Considering the unusual
nature of your pregnancy,

I thought we should have
some specialists on hand

just in case.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Her blood pressure's dropping.

- [Doctor] We're gonna
have to do a c-section.

God help me.

Hold it, hold it, I see the head.

Keep pushing Susan, give me some pushes.

[groaning]
- Please, please.

What's happening?

Just give me a second.

All right, suction here please.

[Susan] Oh god, I can't hear my baby.

[Harold] I, I can't see anything.

This is the strangest, most incredible.

Mr. and Mrs. Anderson,

say hello to your completely
healthy new baby boy.

[crying]

[baby whimpering]

Better not tell anyone about
this three month pregnancy.

Everyone's gonna want one.

You okay?

Look at him we, we made this.

This is us.

It's a miracle.

[dramatic orchestral music]

I can't wait to see him again.

You were so cute in the delivery room.

I'll always remember your face

when they handed him to you.

I want you to remember that.

What's wrong?

Harold, what is it?

I have to leave.

Leave the hospital?

Yeah.

When will you be back?

I'm not coming back.

What?

I don't wanna go, I have to.

You're not coming back?

No.

Maybe I should've just
left, this seems worse.

[ominous music]

Can I help you?

Looking for Harold Anderson,

his wife is having a baby.

- Anderson, they are
in the maternity wing,

I believe in the delivery room.

You can't go in there, sir.

Sir, you are not allowed in there!

Get out, get the hell away from me.

I don't believe it, I don't believe it,

I did it again, I did it again.

I know you're angry.

You coward.

Two minutes with your child
and you're scared shitless.

Get him out, get him out of here.

Get out!

Bye.

[Susan] Get out!

Harold Anderson, I need to talk to him.

Is he in the military?

[Roland] Where is he?

His wife's here, but he's gone.

[Roland] Can I talk to her?

This isn't a good time.

If you find the b*stard, give him a swift

kick in the pants for me.


born, he leaves his wife.

What kind of a sick person is that?

He's going back.

I know where he is, come on.

[dramatic orchestral music]

Excuse me there, chief.

Hi, Merry Christmas, I'm
lookin' for a passenger

on one of your flights, Harold
Anderson, usual spelling.

[banging]

We're just about to push away.

Hi, how ya doin'?

[airplane engine humming]

So they gave her a c-section.

Doctor Weitzman, we've got a problem.

What is it?

It's about the Anderson baby.

[dinging]

[Stewardess] The captain has turned off

the fasten seat belt sign.

But for your safety and the
safety of those around you,

we suggest that you remain seated

with your seat belt securely fastened.

Thank you and enjoy your flight to Reno.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, I need to get by.
- Oh sorry.

You know, why is it you always pack

exactly what you need
where you can't get at it?

And why do they make
these aisles so narrow?

What do I look like?

f*cking Andy Rooney?

Get outta the way!

[chiming]
[whirring]

[thudding]
[grunting]

Excuse me, watch your
back, watch your back.

Excuse me, comin' through,

watch your back, watch your back
please, 'scuse me, comin' through.

[banging]

[dramatic orchestral music]

- No I'm okay, really,
I don't need anything.

Just a mild sedative, help keep you calm

while you recuperate.

I know you've had some bad news,

and believe me, I hate
to give you more but,

we believe that your
husband has taken the baby.

We've contacted the authorities.

I'm fired?

- No, uh, you're just
taking your sabbatical.

- And that will bring you
up to your retirement.

So I'm fired?

No, you're taking a sabbatical,

and then you're retiring.

I saw him walk into the lavatory.

When I opened the door, he was gone.

Yeah, do you hear what you're saying?

Is there any awareness
of what you're saying?

Just, why don't you just
enjoy your time off?

Rest.

b*stard.

b*stard!

[dramatic orchestral music]

[whooshing]

- I have to go buy a remote
control for the television set.

Well don't let me stop you.

You go, have a wonderful time.

I wanted to go shopping for
clothes for the baby but,

we won't worry about that.

The baby can just go around naked

for the first year of its life, go.

Go.

So I go?

No, you don't go.

[beeping]

See, that's the interesting thing.

But she told me to go.

- Well, there's a whole
layer here you're missing.

Now you know what I had to deal with.

Take your seat.

And this isn't easy, so don't
beat yourself up over it.

What does that mean?

Just sit down.

I've...

Reprogrammed the computer
to more accurately

represent what you'll be
dealing with on Earth.

If you're looking for an
overriding logic or rationality,

just remember, this is
Earth we're dealing with.

I guess you don't like my friends.

I like your friends.

You barely acknowledged them.

What's wrong with you?

If you don't talk to me, how
will I know what's wrong?

You gotta open up, you gotta connect.

[beeping]
[speech rewinding]

Ah, I guess you don't like my friends.

You barely acknowledge them.

What's wrong with you?

If you don't talk to me, how
will I know what's wrong?

I mean, you gotta con...
[beeping]

It goes on and on like that for hours.

Human relationships are
filled with conflict.

The whole planet is filled with conflict.

Not that that's a bad thing,
because it's through conflict

that we learn about ourselves.

[crowd whispering]

Questions?

I see some confused faces.

You see, here on our planet we
have no emotion or conflict,

so we've never had to
look inward at ourselves,

and that's helped us
become a technological,

intellectual force in the Universe but,

I really think it's a dead end.

I mean, to be honest with ya, I question

why we're even taking over Earth.

I mean, why?

So we can make them like us?

When in fact, we can learn from them,

and they can remind us
of who we were before.

Excuse me.

Why does Graydon wanna see me?

You know, if you don't talk to me

I won't know what's wrong.

[dramatic orchestral music]

Hey, my baby, that's my baby.

Wait a minute, what's my baby doing here?

Stop!

Wait a minute, stop.

- I can't have you polluting
the minds of others.

What is my son doing here?

You're raising your voice.

You bet your a*s I am.

You never told me you were
going to take the baby.

- Did you tell anyone the
truth about who you were

and why you were there?
- A woman in a bar.

We took care of her, anyone else?

Because anyone you told
will be disposed of.

Why are we taking over Earth?

How much more do we need?

Is that what it's about, more, more, more?

Yes.

I'm sending you to the
purification center.

Take him.

I don't want him to remember anything

about his time there, or about the baby.

[crowd murmuring]

[banging]

Get out of my way.

[thudding]

[alarm roaring]

[baby crying]

[dramatic orchestral music]

[chiming]

Okay, get back.

Put your weapons down.

Okay guys, put your weapons down.

You're scaring the baby.

[baby crying]

See?

See what you did?

I told you you were scaring the baby.

Turn that thing off.

Turn it off?

You're the one who got it
started, you turn it off.

Go ahead, turn it off.

This thing's gonna blow,
that's what they do.

This is how it starts,
and then it gets worse,

and worse, and then they explode.

There's gonna be baby all over the place.

[screaming]

That's my boy!

[chiming]
[whirring]

[booming]

Thank you, thank you so much.

Just please let me know as
soon as you hear anything.

Okay.

Somebody spotted a man in Michigan

who matches Harold's description
and was carrying a baby.

Hi.

Hi Liz, Alison.

[crying]

He's fine.
- You b*stard!

He's fine.

Shh.

Do you have any idea
what I've been through

in the last two days?

Do you have any clue?

- Not exactly, but I'm
sure it's been awful.

That's why I brought him back.

How could you take him?

How could you do this?

How, Harold?

I didn't.

Then who did?

Not me.

- Why would I expect you to
tell me the truth at this point?

How sick am I?

Would you take him?

I'll be right there.

I just, I have to know how
you could do this to me.

How, Harold?

I'll tell you the truth.

All right.

[Harold] I will.

I can wait, go ahead.

I'm an alien from another planet.

I was sent here to impregnate
a woman, and then go back.

But Graydon, the leader of the planet,

came and took the baby without telling me,

so I stole the baby back.

And now I'm here.

Is there any way we can start over?

- Is there a history of
mental illness in your family?

I care about you.

I think our son should be with his mother.

This is my son.

This is my son.

This is not our son.

There's no us anymore, so
there can't be any our.

I'm calling the police now, Harold.

I can prove that I'm an alien.

Oh really?

- I can make a bright
light come out of my nose.

That must come in handy on nights

you can't find a flashlight.

[Harold] I can show you the light,

or you can just take my
word for it and trust me.

Trust you?

Trust you?

I should trust a man that...

[dramatic orchestral music]

[gasping]

I thought I did everything
right this time,

but now I married an
alien from another planet.

[crying]

- I'm sorry, I could never
give you want you want

because I'm not human.

I could never understand what love is.

I hope as time goes by,
you'll be able to forgive me.

Goodbye.

Well, well, well, I was right.

I wasn't crazy, I was right.

You got me, congratulations.

Nobody believed me.

My wife didn't even believe me.

My wife didn't believe me either.

What is it with these women?

Don't get me started.

- So what are you going
to do now, take me in?

To where, my bosses?

They fired me.

I could give a rats a*s about them.

No, I just had to know the
truth for me, as a man.

I hear ya.

So, what was the plan?

World domination, right?

Isn't it always?

Tell me about it.

Look, I'm really in dutch with the wife

about this whole deal.

If you could come with me and show her

that whole nose light thing,

it would really help get
me outta the dog house.

It would be my pleasure.

Great, let's go.

No one's going anywhere.

Who's this guy?

This is the leader of my planet.

No sh*t.

- You've placed us in a
very difficult position.

You're coming with me.

- Uh, look, I don't know
what your thing is with him,

but he's gotta go see my wife first, okay?

You appear intelligent,

but when you open your
mouth, the effect is spoiled.

You might wanna drop that, chum.

Fool, I have a highly evolved brain

that cannot only block
the most intense pain,

but also heal any injury sustained

within a matter of seconds.

You cannot hurt me.

[g*n firing]

[splashing]

I always had a feeling that

heal any injury thing was bullshit.

Harold?

Harold, Harold.

Who was that?

Graydon, the leader of my planet.

Is he dead?

Yeah, he just k*lled him.

Oh, well listen, there's something

I have to talk to you about.

- You know, I should
probably be running along.

I was just wondering if
it'd be okay if, you know,

can I have him?

I don't see why not.

Excuse me.

Great, nice meetin' the both of you.

Take care.

Oh, uh, to be clear, this really was

the leader of your planet, right?

Because if it's your
insurance agent or somethin',

I'm in some amazingly deep sh*t.

You're okay, man.

Thanks.

♫ I got an alien

♫ I got an alien

[giggling]

You know what you said in the house?

About not knowing what love is?

Well, I don't know either.

Really?

No, but you married me, we had a child,

you rescued my child and
brought him back to me,

and then you told me the truth
about who you really are.

Maybe that's your way
of saying you love me?

I don't know.

Me too.

[sentimental string music]

Let us celebrate with Susan and Harold

as they renew their marriage vows,

and let this also be a
time for the rest of us

to reflect upon and make a
renewed spiritual commitment

to our own vows and unions.

Harold and Susan have
written their own vows.

Harold, would you like to start?

- Susan, when I married
you the first time,

I only did it to get into your pants.

Now I'm doing it because I want to spend

the rest of my life
getting into your pants.

[laughing]

Thank you for marrying me,

and I will do everything possible

to make you and our new son...

Aaron.

Aaron, very happy.

[Reverend] That was beautiful, Harold.

- Thank you.
- [Reverend] Now you, Susan.

Harold, meeting you has taught me

that the Universe is
one big screwed up place

where everyone's trying to
work out their problems,

but I'm honored to work them out with you

because I think I love you.

Very cosmic.

And with that, I again
pronounce you man and wife.

You may now kiss.

[laughing]

[humming]

Well that was great.

That was the wedding I always wanted.

I know.

- What a perfect day.
- Yeah.

Your friends seem nice.

Oh listen, I didn't wanna bring this up

until after the ceremony, but they want me

to be leader of the planet.

You're kidding.

No.

What did you say?

- Well, I told them I had
to talk to you about it.

That's quite an honor.

I'm proud of you.

- Thanks but, you know, it
means we'd have to move there.

Oh.

I mean, I guess I could commute,

but that's a long commute.

All my friends are here.

Who, Liz and Alison and what's her name?

Why do you have to do that?

Sorry.

- Besides, I know nothing
about your planet.

I don't know what the schools are like.

We're a thousand years ahead of Earth.

What do you think the schools are like?

Will you please slow down?

You're going too fast for the baby.

Don't start, all right.

The baby was fine in
the transporter chamber.

Four solar systems, I never heard a peep.

Okay, I'll commute.

[baby cooing]

[lively music]

♫ Once there was a little old ant

♫ Thought he could move
the rubber tree plant

♫ Everyone knows an ant can't
move a rubber tree plant

♫ But he's got high hopes

♫ He's got high hopes

♫ He's got high apple pie in the sky hopes

♫ So any time you're gettin' low

♫ Instead of lettin' go

♫ Just remember that ant

♫ Oops there goes
another rubber tree plant

♫ Once there was a silly old ram

♫ Thought he could punch a hole in a dam

♫ No one could make that ram scram

♫ He kept buttin' that dam

♫ 'Cause he had high hopes, high hopes

♫ High apple pie in the sky hopes

♫ So any time you're feelin' bad

♫ Instead of feelin' sad

♫ Just remember that ram

♫ Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam

[upbeat orchestral music]