Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store (2015)

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Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store (2015)

Post by bunniefuu »

One of my hobbies

is I collect dust.

Are you from this country?

I go around town

slashing tire prices.

Do you get that?

Do you know that Christmas song

"Do You Hear What I Hear?"

Do you?

You stopped laughing.

You stopped laughing, sir.

You got the idea,

there are no jokes.

There's a kind of hush

all over this room.

I'm addicted to

prescription glasses.

And "20/20" wants to do

my life story.

It gets wor-

A four-year-old wrote this.

Thank you.

No, I'm not leaving yet,

hold on.

This is my stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

I heard great things

about my real ladder,

that he supported three people

at one time.

Last I heard, he's one-

I f*cked that up, too.

The last I heard, he was in

a 12-step program.

It really didn't matter.

Oh, thank you.

Anyway, I've had a lovely-

That's it for me, thank you very

much, thank you very much.

Anyway, with that,

I'm gonna bring up the man.

Do you know the man?

Mister who?

Mr. Louie-who, what?

Mr. Louis Prima? No.

Mr. Louis Armstrong? No.

Mr. Louis C.K.!

Here he is.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Oh, my God, thank you.

This-

You guys...

You guys are great, thank you.

This is what I talk like now,

just so you know.

I'm gonna do

the whole show like this.

A really-a very offensive

stereotype...

...of a Mexican.

This is...

This is a Mexican at the border.

Just let me in!

Jesus!

He won't let me-

You guys are dicks

in there, anyways!

f*ck you, America!

Was that too high up,

do you think?

That's why I like-

I always like to stand

just a little bit wrong,

you know?

Just for my own entertainment,

instead of standing like this,

just put it a little bit up

here, just so people are like-

I don't know why

that bothers me.

Especially if I'm somewhere

I don't like being, like CVS.

You know, I hate CVS.

But sometimes

you gotta go in there.

That should be

their slogan, CVS.

Sometimes

you gotta come in here."

Where else you gonna get

your wart Band-Aids

and that stuff

for your dry vaginer?

Dry vaginer.

I used to think

it was called a "vaginer."

I did, because I grew up

in Boston and the-

I don't know

if you are familiar with-

People call it

the Boston accent.

It's not an accent.

It's a whole city of people

saying most words wrong.

It's just a stupidity

in a massive region.

Because my teachers,

they teach you

to talk like that.

My teacher-I had a teacher

named Miss Daugherty,

but she thought

her name was Mrs. Darrity.

She mispronounced her own name.

Mrs. Darrity!

And she'd give us sex-ed-

This was fifth grade.

We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity,

and she's showing us

the diagram, she's like,

"This is a penis.

"And this is a vaginer.

"Now, during intercourse,

the man ejaculates sperm...

"... up into the vaginer.

"And then later,

"a f*cking baby...

"... comes out of the vaginer.

And sometimes it's 'retahded. '"

This was the '70s.

A teacher said "retahded"

in Boston in the '70s.

"My daughter's retahded."

She used to tell us every day.

"I have a daughter

and she's mentally retahded.

"She's 35 and she lives

in my house.

"She better be f*cking retahded.

I'm gonna stick her back up

in my vaginer."

So I thought it was called

a vaginer 'til I was, like, 25.

And I remember thinking

it was, like-

It's a vaginer, it's a-

Like, a thing

that vagines, you know?

Like, you use it to vagine-

I gotta vagine my driveway.

I don't know.

I just gotta vagine

this new table I just made.

That would make a nice table,

like, you make a new table

and then you take the-

the 80-grit paper

and you sand it, and then 120,

and then you go, "All right,

honey, get up there,"

and she just...

Like, an old-

Like, one of those

Danish tables, or like a...

Ooh.

Nice old Italian table.

"This table is-a very smooth

"because, eh, my wife

have a very juicy p*ssy

"and she vagine the table

and my family,

we do this

for generations, we vagine."

All right.

So I'm 47 now, and, uh...

Yeah, I know, that's about

what it's worth.

That's what it-

That's what that deserves.

"Woo."

"Woo."

"Woo!"

Yeah, 47 doesn't

buy you anything.

18, you can vote,

21, you can drink,

and 47, you can just-

Just keep doing whatever.

Just do...

Just keep being out of breath.

One good thing is that

I've let go of any dream

of getting in great shape,

like, it's like a relief.

Just 'cause-

My whole life I've been like,

well, someday, I should

really get in great shape.

Now, I'm like, what?

Why would I do that?

That's not gonna happen.

Just-

To me, the bar,

the level I wanna reach

as far as the shape I'm in,

I just want it to be

so that if you find out

that I died,

you ask "What happened?"

That's all.

I want you to wonder

what happened.

I don't want it to be

like, "Oh, he died?"

Oh, yeah, well, sure.

Sure he did.

Sure he did.

This'd be bigger news to you-

Did you hear

Louie's still alive?

Shit.

Oh, really?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, how?

How?

Some things change

when you get older.

Like, I've reallocated some

of the noises that I make.

Like, the noise

I used to make when I come

is now the noise I make

when I pee.

Oh... oh...

Oh...

Ah...

Ahhh...

Take it all, bitch.

Very disrespectful

to my toilet, unfortunately.

Yeah, you like that piss,

don't you?

Bitch!

I'm gonna shit in your mouth,

too, 'cause you ain't nothing

but a shit-eatin',

piss-drinkin' toilet!

Dumb bitch, toilet!

You ain't intelligent.

You ain't even been outside.

You sit there waiting for me

to shit in your face.

Got piss on your lips.

You ain't even special.

I pissed in three toilets today.

You ain't shit.

That's terrible.

That's awful.

But that's how my dad

treated his toilet,

so that's where I learned it.

It's a shame.

So that's the noise

I make when I pee.

And, uh, some of you

might be wondering-

None of you are wondering...

...what noise do I make

when I come.

So this is the noise

I make when I come.

I just go...

It is done!

It's a whole thing with clouds

and lightning and crows.

The circle is complete!

It's kind of intense.

And there's a little witch

with white eyes going,

"And a child will be born!"

I don't know.

One time I was

having sex with a woman,

it was our first time

having sex.

Also turned out to be

our last time, but I wasn't-

Didn't know that at the-

Anyway, I was getting-

I was gonna come soon,

so I felt like talking

about it, and...

But I didn't know her very well.

So it came out weird,

I said, "Oh, I'm cooming."

She's like, "What did you say?"

'Cause I was back there.

That's why.

That's why

she had to go like this.

"What'd you say?

What was that back there, chief?

What was that?"

'Cause I'm always back there.

That's a-that's a weird thing

to brag about.

I'm always behind her.

Every time.

So they don't see me crying.

It's weird having sex

with a woman from behind

'cause you don't know

what's going on the whole time

and you get kinda paranoid.

The whole time,

she might be like...

I was on the subway in New York.

This isn't another sex story.

This is a traveling story.

Are you ready?

So I'm on the subway

and I'm standing there-

I wasn't holding anything,

I just like to stand like this.

I'm standing there.

I walk around the city

like this.

Hi.

So I'm standing there and

from behind me over here,

I hear this. I hear...

And I was like, whew, okay.

It's a crazy person.

I mean, it's not a big surprise

in New York.

Then I heard it again.

I was like,

all right, I wanna see,

I wanna see the crazy person.

I just wanna take a look.

So I look over and

it's not what I expected.

It wasn't a big homeless guy

with two sets of headphones

that don't work

or anything like that.

It was a...

A young woman,

she looked like she was about 21

and she's standing there,

she's very, kinda nice-

Properly dressed.

She was very, like,

Michigan-y or something.

Very suburban-y, Michigan-y

kinda thing.

And she's standing there

with her ponytail,

and then all of a sudden,

she starts going like this,

she goes...

La-la la-la-la la-la!"

And I realize, oh,

she's, like, a student,

like, a singing music student,

and she's doing her vocal

exercises on the subway.

You know what?

It wasn't charming or nice.

It was arrogant and rude,

'cause she just had

this look like, it's-

I'm so cool, 'cause I'm studying

music in New York City

and I just do my thing

right on the subway every day.

La-la la-la-la la-la, everybody!

La-la la-la-la la-la,

tired nurse

who just did a 14-hour shift!

We live in an interesting time,

you know.

'Cause you can be

on an airplane,

you're like one

of 200 passengers.

You're on a flight

30,000 feet in the air,

and in the middle of the flight

if you just decide to do this,

you're sitting in your seat

and you just start going

like this, you go...

Maaah!

Maaah! Mahh!

If you do that and

don't stop doing it,

they will land the plane.

You can will a plane

to the ground

without a w*apon or a threat.

You don't even

have to do that much,

you can just sit there and

just start going, "Down!

Down!"

Seriously, if you were

on a plane

and you just didn't

stop saying "down."

"Down!

Down!"

"Sir, is there a problem?"

"Down!

Down!"

Fighter jets will appear-

I mean, you're going

to the nearest airport.

And then I guess

you're in trouble, but...

What? They can't put you,

like, in prison

because you said

"down" several times.

They, like, bother you.

"Why'd you do it?

Are you a t*rror1st?

Why'd you do it?"

"I just-I just didn't want

to be up anymore.

"I just didn't like it.

"I mean, I just said the word

of the-where I wanted to be.

"You didn't have to do it.

It was just a suggestion,

Jesus Christ."

I was on a plane once and there

was two babies on the plane.

And other people,

it wasn't just...

It wasn't just me

and two babies.

That would be weird.

You get on a plane,

there's just two babies.

Come on, we're leaving soon.

He's the pilot baby.

I'm the other baby.

No, that's all right,

I'm not gonna...

You babies have a good flight,

but I'm gonna find

another way to get there.

Yeah, I don't like the way

this was starting.

Anyway, I was on a plane

and there was these two babies

and they were crying

the whole time,

crying the whole flight,

and that happens a lot.

I don't think they knew each

other, they were just crying.

I've seen this

on so many flights,

I started to wonder, is there

a reason for this?

Is there, like,

an actual reason why babies-

So I looked it up. Turns out,

there's an actual reason

why babies cry on airplanes,

and it's because they're upset

that gay people

are getting married.

Yeah.

They're, like, really upset.

Like, inconsolably upset.

Honey, it's-

The country's changing.

Waah!

And I don't agree with them.

I think if people are in love,

they should get married.

But they can't-

They can't accept that.

'Cause they're just-You know,

they're just being babies.

Babies are selfish.

They are, babies are selfish.

They just, waah!

No baby ever goes, "Waah,

but how you doing, though?"

I have two daughters and both of

them at one time were babies

and I held them

and they cried on planes.

It's happened to me,

I've had a baby on a plane.

If you're ever-

This is how selfish people are.

When you're on a plane and

you hear a baby crying,

you think that's

happening to you.

You're like, "Ugh, this is

gonna ruin my flight!

It's gonna ruin it!"

Well, look at the parent,

'cause that person is holding

a crying baby on a plane,

which means they've been

traveling with a baby all day,

which means they have

a baby, okay?

So their life isn't even good.

They don't like anything.

Their whole life is, ugh, Jesus!

If there's any joy for them,

it's that this is now

bothering other people.

"Yeah, you listen

to this shit now!"

Waah!

I remember one time, my baby

was crying on the plane,

she was really upset,

and this guy,

some businessman on the plane,

'cause businessmen

always think that every flight

is a private plane of theirs

that we're all, like,

piggybacking on.

And this guy has

his f*cking newspaper

and he turns around to look

at me and my baby

and he looks right at me.

He doesn't kinda, like,

go like this.

He looks at me like, hmm?

Like, could you?

I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry,

is this bothering you?

Let me just..."

You all just clapped

for a dead baby.

You applauded a dead baby.

I have two children.

Uh, nine and 12 years old.

Both girls.

Uh, they're both gay.

Um...

I'm raising 'em gay.

Most people

raise their kids straight,

I'm just gonna raise mine gay.

Maybe they'll do what

they want later, but, uh,

as long as they're in

my house, they're gay.

I tell 'em every day,

you're gay, honey, good night.

Go to bed.

Brush your gay teeth, gay honey.

Don't forget to be gay.

Having children

is a big responsibility

and I've never really done

very well at it.

I've made a lot of mistakes.

Some of them big, some of them

small, you know?

Like, I'm still a person,

I still am an idiot, you know,

still, like, I-

I got high one night,

I got really high, because

I don't do dr*gs.

I never do dr*gs, never.

So that when I do...

...they're way more fun.

To me, that's my best advice

about dr*gs.

If you want to enjoy dr*gs,

never do them, never.

Because then when you do,

they're actually fun.

'Cause when dr*gs

are a part of your life,

they're just another pain

in the ass in your life.

It's just a, ugh, my dr*gs suck.

I don't want to have

that problem.

I always want to be that person

where it's a new thing,

somebody's like,

hey, you wanna try this?

And I'm like, oh!

I don't know if I should.

This is crazy.

I don't even know

how I'm gonna do it.

I mean, what is this?

Anyway, I got-

My friend had the little vape-

I'm a little worried, honestly,

by the young people

with the vaping

and they just do this

and then they just vape.

And they just stand

on the corner and puff

and look at the f*cking thing

and I miss-I miss you.

That's what it is,

I miss you people,

'cause you used

to stand around like this

and I get to go,

"I'd f*ck that one,

and that one's okay,"

but now I don't even-

I'm just looking at the top

of people's heads now.

But I didn't realize

how, like, my friend-

I have a younger friend

who vapes

and she told me it's just

to kinda, like, calm her.

She's like, I barely feel it,

you know.

Sometimes it helps me sleep.

So one night, we're hanging out

and I'm like, I'm gonna go home

and go to sleep,

but I mean, I'll just try it,

so I took one little tiny hit.

I was insane,

I was completely insane.

I was in my house, I couldn't

even walk past a window,

I had to go under the windows,

'cause I was afraid of

the inside of my own brain.

So I started texting people,

just being-

Just texting, "I'm so high.

I'm so f*cking high.

I'm so high," and I texted,

you know, another friend.

"I'm so high I want to suck

the pot jizz out of my own d*ck

and get higher."

That's what I wrote.

I'm not bragging, I'm just

telling you that's what I wrote.

And I sent it.

And then later, I looked

at my text and I was, like,

I think I might have sent that

to my 12-year-old daughter.

I think it's possible.

And I didn't,

but I too easily could've.

We need-Now my kids

are in my phone.

There needs to be

some very reliable firewall

that says, these numbers

are much harder to text,

that you can't just, whoops!

Traumatized her irreversibly!

That you can go, like,

to write to these numbers,

I have to solve the Hellraiser

puzzle and I have to...

There's two guys with the keys

in the opposite room

that turn them

at the same moment

and there's a warning.

"Are you sure you want

to send this picture

"of your pubic hair

to your ex-wife's mother?"

That's how you want

to break the silence

of six years since the divorce.

"This is my pubic hair.

"Look at all of my pubic hair.

How have you been?"

I try to be a good dad,

but, you know, like-

life just kinda takes off

and kids start, you know,

they got their own ideas

and they're-

My nine-year-old, she's just

figuring out about lying

and that's a tough thing.

It's hard to roll that one back,

because lying is pretty

amazingly useful in life.

It's like, how do you tell a kid

not to use a thing

that just solves every

possible problem, like magic?

How do you...

'Cause that's why-Kids lie

'cause they're in trouble.

They lie 'cause they're in more

trouble than they can take,

you know?

'Cause kids...

Nine-year-old, when

a nine-year-old lies,

it's not for some weird

Machiavellian, you know...

"Do you know what my teacher

said about you?

It was interesting."

They don't just make shit up.

They lie because

they're in trouble

and it's more than they can-

'Cause trouble

is too much for a kid.

Trouble-For grown-ups,

we can take trouble.

We don't care.

We just go, oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, am I in trouble?

Oh, whoops!

We don't care.

But to a little kid, trouble is

like this horrible...

Did you take the chocolate?

And she did and she doesn't know

how to handle it.

Did you-

Did you take it?

"No."

Well, all right, then,

have a nice day.

How do you then tell her,

yeah, don't ever apply

that perfect solution again,

to terrifying things.

Mark Twain once said, "A man

who always tells the truth

doesn't have to remember

what he said."

And that's great.

But Mark Twain also said,

"There once was a big black guy

named n*gg*r Jim."

So...

I don't know if...

...a hundred percent

of the things he said

were perfectly awesome.

Really, Mark? n*gg*r Jim,

you're gonna go with?

That's the best you can do,

to name the-

It's got kind of a nice ring

to it, n*gg*r Jim.

Yeah, well, it's a little

on the nose, isn't it?

Could've called him Black Mike,

I mean, just a little...

Take it down one notch of the...

Thanks for that, Mark.

Anyway.

So, while we're in this area...

Now that I know

you guys are cool.

No, no.

No.

No. Um...

No, no.

But, uh-but, uh...

but... but...

This is a story

that takes place-

I'm gonna tell you this story,

it's kind of a messy story.

It takes place over a lot

of years, 'cause it start-

It started with my friend Mike,

who told me this story.

This happened to him

back in the '90s.

He was going home for Christmas

and he lives in Connecticut-

He grew up in Connecticut

in some shitty shit town

in shitty, shitty Connecticut,

and he didn't like going home.

He's one of those people.

He came from a place-

Doesn't like it anymore.

And he goes back-

He doesn't know how

to handle his family, you know,

and he came from a family

of white racists

and he doesn't like going home,

but it's still home,

so he went home

for Christmas one year

and everybody's hanging out

during the day, talking,

having lunch,

and his father and his brother

both work at this factory

and his brother's grousing

about his day at work

and he goes, "Yeah,

and then this f*cking n*gg*r

fell asleep at the forklift."

And then my friend Mike heard

that and he went, "Oh, God.

Why am I part of these people?

I hate this."

And he felt bad.

And then that night,

he's in the kitchen

and he's having a warm milk

or whatever and he...

I don't know why that's-

I don't know

why that's funny, but...

What that says about him.

Yeah, 'cause he's a p*ssy.

No.

He's just sort of having

some time to himself

and his cousin comes downstairs,

who's staying-

And his cousin,

he likes his cousin.

That's the one person

he always felt connected with,

and his cousin's like,

"What's wrong, man?"

And he says, "Well, jeez,

I come home and I hoped

"that everything would be,

you know, normal,

"but then, my brother says,

uhh, he's at the factory

and this n*gg*r

fell asleep at the forklift."

And his cousin goes,

"Oh, my God,

the n*gg*r fell asleep

at the forklift?"

So this is the first part

of the story, okay?

So Mike tells me that story

about how he's just not listened

to by anybody in his family,

and then later on, I get

a job writing on a TV show

for Cedric the Entertainer.

Great guy, and he had a show

and he hired a writing staff,

half white writers,

half black writers.

So at lunchtime, we talk

about race, it was just a-

We'd have these provocative,

interesting conversations,

trading notes about race,

the white writers

and the black writers,

and I told that story.

I told the whole thing

about the guy,

"Uhh, n*gg*r and the forklift,"

And then the cousin saying,

"Uhh, the n*gg*r

at the forklift!"

And then one of the writers,

a black writer,

he goes, "There's nothing worse

"than a n*gg*r falling asleep

at the forklift,

making it harder

for the rest of us."

Still, nobody is quite hearing

what my friend

was going through.

And then, about a year later,

I'm hanging out

with my friend Dino.

Dino is Greek.

He has no dog in the race,

he doesn't care either way.

He's Greek. Greeks aren't

white or black, they're just-

He's just got a big nose

and he just stands there.

And I told Dino the whole story,

I told him about the guy,

"Uhh, the forklift,"

and the guy, "Uhh!"

And then the black writer-

And then Dino says, "How do

you fall asleep at a forklift?"

My oldest daughter is gonna be

13 next year, that's a big deal.

That's a big deal.

That's-

All the parents ahead of you

always go, like, yeah.

Yeah, wait 'til she...

That's when you...

I'm not afraid

of her teenagehood.

It's gonna be challenging

and difficult

and she'll meet

the challenges, you know.

I'm always proud of my kid.

She's a good kid.

Now, some parents are really

afraid of their daughters.

A lot of dads get scared, like,

I don't know what to do.

I have this friend,

his daughter's 15,

he's like, "She's gonna

start having sex!

"I don't know what to do!

She's gonna have sex,

what do I do?"

I'm like, well,

you don't do anything.

You don't have a role

in that at all.

You're her father.

No role.

Not supportive

or advisory, nothing.

"But what if she has a bad

sexual experience?"

Oh, she's gonna have

a number of those.

Oh, yes, she is.

Her whole life

is gonna be just walking

through a blizzard of bad dicks,

just...

Ow!

Dicks, just-

Jesus.

What the f*ck?

That was a big one.

Holy f*ck, I'm just

trying to get to work.

The little one,

the nine-year-old,

life's a little simpler.

Tap dancing, she takes

tap dancing lessons.

We started her with tap dancing,

because we figure

by the time she grows up,

it'll be the 1930s again,

and, uh, yeah.

She'll have this thing

she can do

that nobody enjoys watching.

Do you know who the audience is

for tap dancing?

The parents of

tap dancing students.

That's all of it.

'Cause we all have

to go to the show

at the end of

the tap dancing semester,

and they have a big theater show

and all the kids get up there,

they all tap dance

in groups of threes.

There's about 6,000 kids.

They do about 20 minutes each.

So the show's about

seven months long,

and everybody dies at the end.

But you go because you want

to see your kid tap dance,

'cause that's an amazing thing,

'cause this was a baby,

she was just a baby.

She was just like...

That's it.

And now she's going like this.

It's amazing.

But you gotta watch

all those other kids

that you don't love at all.

And you gotta watch people,

grown-ups do it.

There's grown-up-

Adult students,

and they get up there.

Get off!

Nobody's here to see you!

Nobody!

Your parents are dead,

you're 52!

Nobody came from work.

Nobody came from work.

I take her every-every

Thursday to tap dancing

and we go up to the school and

she puts on her tap shoes

and she goes in the little room.

I don't go in there, and she

tap dances and I wait outside,

because it's 40 minutes, it's

not enough time to go anywhere.

So I just sit there and listen

to...

And then she comes out.

"I don't-I'm tired of this.

I don't want to go anymore."

Good, don't.

I don't want to bring you.

Quit. Quit.

I don't care.

I don't push my kids

into this shit.

'Cause you gotta do it, too.

I don't wanna do it.

"Daddy, I'm tired of soccer."

Soccer is out of our lives

forever,

with those words

from thine mouth.

Soccer is gone.

I don't care-

Don't go to school,

I don't want to get up at 7:00.

Don't do any of this shit,

honey. I don't care.

I have money, just eat

the food in the house.

Stay home and eat.

You and your sister,

don't have kids,

I can cover all of us

and then we all die.

That's my goal.

I want to make enough money

that we can just lock the door

and eat the food.

That's it.

"Daddy, what are we

doing today?"

Go to the food room and pick

something out and go to bed.

That's all

that's required of you.

People-People overthink

this life shit.

People get all knotted up.

"I don't know what to do

with my life.

"Like, I don't know, like,

what I should be, or, like...

"I don't know, it's like...

What should I, like, do?

With my-

With, like, my life?"

Just get food

and put it in the-

Put food in here.

That's it.

Put food in here.

Walk around and look for food.

And anytime you see

any food, put it in here.

Just take it and put it in here.

Later, when you feel pressure,

shit out the shit in there.

That's it.

If anybody tries to stop you

from doing either of those,

m*rder them.

That's it.

Doesn't have to be

any more complicated.

Do it 'til you're died-

'til you're dead.

'Til you're dead, died, dead.

I don't know how long

I'm gonna live, I have no idea.

You don't really ever get

to find out.

You never get to go,

okay, I'm dead, so, 80.

You don't ever get

to have that thought.

"This is it. " You get to go,

"This is probably it."

That's your last thought.

"This is probably it

right here."

Yeah, well, we're all

gonna die at some point.

It's true, man.

And you find out at some point-

It's an interesting thing

about human beings,

that we live with the knowledge

that we're gonna die.

I found out when I was seven

that everybody dies.

My grandfather told me.

He said, "Everybody dies!"

I wasn't even talking to him.

I was just trying

to blow out the candles.

And I was seven years old when

I found out that everybody dies.

And I was excited,

not 'cause everybody dies,

but 'cause I knew it.

I was excited 'cause I knew

I was young to know

that everybody dies.

I knew that most of my friends

didn't know and I thought,

I'm gonna tell them.

I want to be the one

that tells everybody.

I especially

wanted to tell Benjy,

this kid across the street

from me.

There was this kid Benjy,

he lived-I didn't-

He wasn't my friend.

I was seven and he was six,

but if I ever came out

in my front yard,

he would come out

and I'd be like, ugh,

here he comes.

Just hated him.

Hated him.

First person I ever hated.

Like, visceral hate.

He was-

To me, he was a piece of shit

cocksucker assh*le.

That's what he was to me,

and I didn't even know

any of those words.

I just had that,

like, as a raw feeling

with no way to say it.

I was too young

for the feeling that I had,

and then somebody-

I heard somebody say

"piece of shit cocksucker

assh*le," I was like,

that, yes, thank you.

That's what that-

Yes, that's how-Yes.

Anyway, one day

I was in my front yard

and piece of shit Benjy

comes across.

And he says, "I got a new bike,"

or something like that.

And I was like, uh,

"You're gonna die someday."

And he was like,

"What? No, I'm not."

I said, "Yes, you are.

"Everybody dies.

"You're gonna die

and your mom's gonna die

"and your daddy's gonna die.

In that order."

He was really upset

and he starts running.

It's still funny to me,

it still makes me laugh,

40 years later.

I can still see it so clearly

and it still makes me laugh.

Run, Benjy!

You can't run

from this shit, bitch.

It's gonna get you.

I wonder if he's dead.

Anyway.

So he came back with his mom,

his mom is so angry,

and then I was scared.

And his mom came over,

"What did you say to him?"

And I said, "I just told him

that everybody dies."

And she goes, "Well,

that's not necessarily true."

I was like, "What?"

She says, "Well, some people

die, but not everybody does."

And I was so full of questions.

I was like, what about-

What about Abraham Lincoln and

George Washington, they're dead.

But she said, "Yeah,

"that's 'cause something

happened to them.

"George Washington

didn't take care of himself

"and Lincoln got shot,

but there's a lot of people

alive from those days."

And I was like, really?

What about, like, Bible people?

And she's like, "Yeah, I-

We have to go."

And then she left,

'cause I think she realized,

this is only gonna get worse.

She's not on a good side

of this argument.

And then I went to my mom

and I told her the whole thing,

she's like, don't worry,

that lady's a f*cking idiot,

don't listen to her.

My mom said, "Don't worry, baby,

you're definitely going to die."

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

People from the Bible.

I wonder if people in the Bible

knew they were gonna be

in the Bible.

Like, "You guys, this is totally

gonna be in the Bible.

"This is totally-You guys,

"we're gonna get in the Bible,

everybody.

I gotta get my roots done

so I look good for the Bible."

Yeah, my dog died recently.

I had to tell the kids

that the dog is dead.

That's a tough thing, telling

your kids that the dog died.

You gotta tell 'em

at some point.

You can't just keep going,

What? No, he's-Where'd he go?

Oh, look, there he goes.

I don't know, he's-

That little scamp.

There he goes, go get 'em.

Go get 'em!

Told my kids the dog died

and we dealt with it.

And I was proud of them

how they expressed

their feelings about it.

They cried.

I was proud of them

how they dealt

with their feelings

and what they said about

it and how they processed it

and I realized, this was

a positive thing.

That's how you start thinking

as a parent,

a lot of things you don't think

would be positive really are,

'cause-'cause a dog dying

is an opportunity

to deal with death

with your kids.

It's like a dry run for Grandma.

It is, it is.

Dog dies, you talk about it,

you deal with it.

Later on, you go, so, you know

all that stuff we talked about?

About the dog?

Yeah, so, Grandma now.

Mm-hmm.

All the same stuff.

That's right.

All right, go brush your teeth.

I had a dog when I was a kid

and he hated me,

and it really hurt.

It's a true story,

my dog hated me and I-

I wanted a dog so bad,

I was, like, ten years old,

I used to beg my mother

for a dog

and she just would say,

like, you had one

when you were a baby

and it died, it's fine.

But finally, she said,

you can have a dog

if you keep your room clean

for a month.

And I was so excited, 'cause

I was, like, I'm getting a dog.

I told all my friends,

I'm gonna get a dog.

All I have to do is keep my room

clean for a month.

I lasted about a week

and it just went to shit.

I couldn't do it and then

I tried, like, three, four days,

I couldn't do it.

And I got so depressed.

I was like, I'm ten

and I already know

my life is gonna be shit

'cause I can't do anything.

And finally, my mom

was like, just-

We'll get the dog, you're

bumming everybody out.

So she got us a dog.

And the dog looked at me

and he hated me, on sight.

And I worked hard

to take care of this dog.

I was kind to him and he

still hated me, which hurt.

That's why it hurt.

'Cause he must've just hated,

like, who I am inside.

He-You could tell how he felt,

'cause he was very expressive.

He was a terrier, you know,

so he had eyebrows.

Like, I'd walk in the room

and he'd go, like,

oh, f*ck, I can't.

And he would just leave!

I would take him for a walk

and I had to use a leash

and I didn't want

to use a leash.

I wanted to be one of those

cool guys with a dog

that just comes along,

you know one of those guys.

He's always got, like, a suede

jacket with patches in it.

And, like, scratchy hair,

he's like, hey.

And he gets in his old pickup

and he's like, come on, dog.

He goes, like-

You know those guys that can

whistle that cool whistle?

Whatever.

Whew!

And the dog jumps in the back

and they both get laid somewhere

because they're both so cool.

That's what I wanted.

But my dog, we'd go for a walk

and the leash was, like, taut,

like this, it wasn't even like,

yeah, we're friends.

It was like, how far from

this kid can I get my face?

He would be choking himself

the whole-

"I hate you!

I hate you!"

And if I ever, like, slipped

and dropped the leash, he-

He was like, I'm not your dog.

He would just run.

He would run like a sl*ve,

he would just take off.

That's how he ran.

It's an apt description.

That's how he ran.

He didn't run like a deer.

This is how a deer...

He ran like this.

He ran away so many times

and then we'd get a call

from the pound.

"Hi, we have your dog."

And you could hear my dog

in the background,

like, "Don't-

"Seriously?

I told you I don't wanna..."

I've never been

a big animal person.

Some animals I hate.

Uh, bats, I think bats

are just disgusting.

I hate bats.

I hate-It's a rat

with leather wings.

You ever seen one and

they, like, look around?

It's like, somebody, you know?

They have a face.

It's disgusting.

I hate bats.

And I'm sure there's

a whole thing of-

Oh, did you know that bats

make all the French toast

in the world, or whatever?

I don't care.

I hate them.

I had a bad bat experience.

This summer, I was, uh-

We rented a house this summer,

I got a house for me

and the kids.

My ex wife and I-

We share custody of the kids,

and so this summer, I had half-

One month they go with her,

one month with me,

so I got a nice house

in the country

and it was beautiful,

the kids loved it,

but the kids go to sleep

at, you know, 8:00 at night.

So I'm just laying awake,

terrified.

Terrified.

I'm so scared in the country,

'cause it's just quiet

and it's just mystery.

And trees and darkness.

I live in New York City,

I feel perfectly safe there.

I'm surrounded by murderers

and child molesters and Jews.

Sorry.

I mean, there are,

there are a lot.

There's a bunch of those, but...

So...

So one night, I'm in the country

house and I'm just laying-

just laying awake, just begging

for the f*cking sun to come up

so I can sleep through my days

with the kids.

And I'm laying awake and I'm-

My bedroom's

above the kitchen and I-

Suddenly I hear this-

I swear to God, I heard

this sound, I heard...

I heard that,

like, clear as a bell.

And immediately,

my heart is pounding.

I'm like, I'm going to have

a heart attack right now,

because there is a witch

in the kitchen.

First of all, there are witches.

I have no doubt, in that moment,

there's witches.

That's how easy it was

to flip me over.

There are witches.

And there's one in the kitchen,

and I gotta go down there.

I gotta-I can't just, eh,

she'll get-

They like kids,

she'll get the kids.

So I go downstairs,

I'm terr-Terrified.

And I'm standing

outside the kitchen door

like this, for like, an hour.

Too scared to go in, until

a little bit of logic seeped in

and told me, even if

there is a witch in there,

she wouldn't just make a noise

and then just stand there

for, like, an hour.

So I go in, there's

nobody in the kitchen.

And then I hear the noise again,

and it was the dishwasher.

The dishwasher has weird tubes

and when the soap goes

through 'em, it's kind of vocal,

I don't know why, but it goes...

It was the weirdest thing,

to watch my dishwasher do it.

I was like, all right,

it's cool.

I'm fine, there's no witches.

I'm about to go upstairs,

and a-

And a bat, a f*cking assh*le bat

picked that moment-

He's like, ha ha!

And he just flew right-

right by my head, like this,

and I just-I went, "Aaah!"

And I just fell on the floor.

"Aaah!"

And I immediately,

I crawl into the closet,

I closed the door and

I called 911 right away.

I don't know if you've

ever called 911

and you don't realize

until they answer

how you shouldn't be

calling 911?

"911, tell us your emergency."

"I-I'm sorry, I'm very sorry

to be bothering you.

This doesn't qualify."

The lady's like,

"Sir, what's the problem?"

I said, "There's a bat

in my house.

And I don't like it."

But she was nice to me,

'cause it's country 911.

If you call 911

in New York City,

"there's a bat in my house!"

They'll be like, "Sir,

we'll send a car right over

to sh**t you in the face."

But she was nice, she's like,

"Sir, we understand,

"you're divorced,

you're overcompensating

"with the country house.

You're in over your head."

She said, call this guy,

she gave me a number,

she said, call this guy, he's

a guy who takes care of bats.

He's a man who's, uh-

bats are his focus.

I felt like she was doing a lot

of work to not say "bat man."

Like she was kind of

going around...

"He's a male human

who bats are his...

I'm not gonna say bat-

I don't wanna say it."

So I called the bat man...

...and he comes over

and I'm in the closet looking

through the crack, at-

The bat is on the ceiling,

hanging upside down,

he's just looking around.

The most disgusting thing.

And so finally, there's

a knock at my door and I go,

I crawl to the door and

I open it and he's like, hello.

And he says, "Where's the bat?"

And I'm like, "Ehhh..."

So the guy walks over

and he just takes the bat.

That's it.

He just took it.

He's like, all right?

Yeah, you pretty much nailed it.

That's amazing.

It's like I called somebody

and said, "Help,

there's a box of tissues

on my table!"

Oh, thank goodness.

What a relief, to have

a man in the house.

Would you like some sweet tea?

I wasn't expecting company.

Ooh, my robe fell open.

He saw my breasts.

Ooh.

What do we do now?

Mr. bat man?

You know, I'm kind of grateful

to that bat now,

now that you're going

to f*ck me.

You're not?

Well, all right,

you can go, then.

I can't-

I can't get out of it.

I'm sorry.

I just like to keep doing that

'til the laughter stops.

f*ck, he's really-

This is getting upsetting.

What if I just did that

for, like, 40 minutes?

Well, if you weren't

gonna help me,

then why did you come over?

I'm alone here all day and I

hardly can handle it anymore.

All right, all right.

So...

No, no.

No, don't do that.

Don't do that.

I was, um...

I was in New York one time,

I was on the subway platform

and I saw two rats, uh,

and they were f*cking.

And I never saw that before.

I'm like, oh, shit.

There's two rats

f*cking right there.

And so I watched 'em, um,

'cause you can watch rats f*ck.

It's not a big deal.

You don't have to go, like...

You can really just

totally just watch 'em.

Hmm, I see.

Anyway, I'm watching 'em,

I'm just curious.

I mean, it wasn't...

surprising how they do it.

It's not like she's on top

going, mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mm.

Thank you.

I love it, I love it.

Ooh!

I think this is a Japanese rat

I'm doing, I don't know.

"Ooh, it's so good to f*ck you!

Ohh! Come on, Ricky,

do me!"

I don't know, all right.

Anyway, it wasn't

anything like that.

It was a pretty standard

rat f*ck.

Just, he's on top,

kinda smushing her

into the pavement

and she's like...

And I'm watching 'em, just-

I mean, I didn't, like,

miss my train.

Just, while I was there.

'Cause I was-

I was curious.

It didn't turn me on,

I was just curious.

'Cause I want to know, what is

it gonna be like when he comes.

That's what I wanted to know.

What is it like

when a rat comes?

Is it, like, uh-

Is it just a biological thing,

just a dispassionate,

kinda just, meh! And then

he just goes home?

Or is it like,

"Yeah, f*cking yeah!"

Is it like, "Aww..."

Is it, you know?

Is it ecstasy?

Is it an orgasm?

I told that story

to a friend of mine.

She was like, "Well,

what about the girl rat?

"What about her orgasm?

Why didn't you empower her

and wonder how she comes?"

What, are you crazy?

Girl rats don't come.

There's no way the girl gets

to come when rats f*ck.

First of all, he's not

gonna hold out for her.

He's not that kinda dude,

you can tell.

He didn't give a shit.

He's gonna f*ck her and leave,

he doesn't even know her name.

He's not sitting there

waiting for her and trying

to think of things to not come,

like giant garbage bags with

no food in them or whatever.

And even if he did,

she's on a subway platform

in front of people.

She's not gonna be able

to get to that place,

that inside place,

that girl rats need

to find their orgasm.

'Cause I know

what girl rats need.

I know how to make

a girl rat come.

I do, you just pick 'em up and

hold 'em upside down and just...

Just to be clear,

what I was doing there...

I just want to make sure

you know.

I spit in her mouth

while I played

with her little assh*le.

Don't judge her,

that's what she likes.

I did it for her.

I was watching "The Wizard

of Oz" with my daughters and-

I know that's-

I know that's, uh-

That's a weird couple of stories

to put together.

Fingering a rat's assh*le

to orgasm

and watching "The Wizard of Oz"

with my daughters,

but they happened

to have happened

one right after the other.

Most things that I do, I do

right after I made a rat come.

That's what I do at night.

It's my-

It's the only way I try to help.

All right.

So I was...

Let me just tell you this first.

I was, uh, I was at a place to-

eating dinner in New York and

I heard these two women talking

and one of 'em is talking about

the guy she's dating.

They were about 21 years old,

like, NYU students,

and so she's talking about it

and, you know, a lot of times

I'll hear this, a woman talking

about the guy she's dating

and she runs down

the stuff that's not satisfying,

the things she doesn't like.

She's like, "He's just,

you know, I text him

"and he, like, he doesn't,

like, respond right away

"and then, when he does, it's

like, whatever, so that's weird.

"And then, like, I saw him

and he's just being weird.

"And so then he, like, calls me,

he's like, I'm sorry I'm weird.

"It's, like, weird, right now.

And I was like, whatever.

And then we had sex.

And it's just weird."

And then I'm listening

'cause I wanted to know,

what is her friend gonna say?

I want to know what kind of

friend she has, you know.

And her friend just says,

"He's a piece of shit.

"He's a piece of shit.

"He's not good enough for you,

'cause you're amazing.

"You're amazing.

So he just can't handle

how amazing you are."

And I remember thinking,

that is a shitty friend.

That's not a good friend.

That is not a good way

to approach life.

"I'm amazing!

"And anybody who doesn't

text me back is just-

can't handle

how amazing I am."

I mean, she's a student.

She can't be-

She's not Nelson Mandela,

she's in college.

She-I'm sure she's fine,

but you're amazing,

the way you... take classes.

What is-

What is so amazing?

She's kinda boring, he's kind of

a douche, so it's fine.

They're fine.

You need to know that

you're boring a little bit.

It's important.

Self love is a good thing,

but self awareness

is more important.

You need to, once in a while go,

oh, I'm kind of an assh*le.

You have to have

that thought once in a while,

or you're a psychopath.

You know like when you say

to a friend of yours,

"You're being an assh*le"

and they're like, "No, I'm not."

Well, it's not up to you

if you're an assh*le or not.

That's up to everybody else.

You don't get to say no to that.

"You're an assh*le."

"No, I'm not."

"Oh, sorry, I thought-

Okay, I'm glad I checked.

I guess you're not."

If somebody tells you

you're an assh*le,

you should go, "Oh, shit."

All right, what happened,

how did I get here?

It's like somebody saying,

you know,

"You got something

on your face. " "No, I don't."

It's like America-

I feel like America is, like,

the world's worst girlfriend.

America is like

a terrible girlfriend

to the rest of the world,

'cause when somebody

hurts America,

she remembers it forever,

but if she does anything bad,

it's like it- "What?"

"It did-

I didn't do anything."

America, why do you keep

bombing those people in Yemen

and all these-

"Well, it's 'cause 9/11, okay?

9/11, so shut up, assholes."

Okay, but you k*lled

hundreds of thousands of people,

so I think you can-

"Yeah, no, but 9/11.

"f*ck you.

You don't even understand."

Yeah, but you're

torturing people.

"I-It wasn't even

t*rture, oh, my God.

"He's such a baby.

I didn't even do anything

to him."

And...

And I'm saying this about women

'cause I'm a guy.

Women might say this about-

that this is what guys are like.

That's just what it's like,

you know,

because I think racism

and sexism are very different.

To me, racism is just a mistake.

It's like, just an error.

It doesn't really make

any sense,

we can just do away with it,

but sexism isn't going anywhere,

'cause sexism is way deep

the f*ck down inside,

so it's just the way

we feel about each other.

It's, "Ahh, women!

"Women! Women!

"Women!

Women! Women!"

And you're like, "Men!

"Men, men! Men!

"Men!

"Men! Men!

Men!"

Anyway, so I'm watching "The

Wizard of Oz" with my daughters.

Is that enough of

a palate cleanser?

All right.

I'm watching "The Wizard of Oz,"

I don't know if you've seen it,

it's about a little girl

named Dorothy,

a very sweet little girl played

by an alcoholic older lady,

who, uh...

Lives in Kansas, she has a dog,

she's very upset.

And she keeps telling-

"My dog!"

And everybody's like,

This is a farm. We're working.

Leave us alone.

And then there's a tornado

and they all run inside

and they barely look for her.

It's unbelievable.

It was so upsetting to me when

I was a kid to see this movie,

'cause Auntie Em is like,

"Dorothy! Okay, f*ck it."

And she just goes right inside.

Bolts the door.

Unbelievable.

So Dorothy goes up to Oz.

So here's the thing, I was

watching it the other night,

and there's this one moment

that really stunned me.

It's when Ray Bolger,

who played the Scarecrow,

he just got ripped apart

by flying monkeys

and he's very upset

and he has this performance

that's way over the top,

even for this movie.

Do you remember that moment?

The Tin Man comes over.

"What happened?"

And he's like,

"Well, first

they tore my arms off

"and they threw them over there!

And then they tore my legs off

and they threw them over there!"

And I've seen this movie

a thousand times,

but for some reason this time,

that moment made me go,

"Oh, shit!"

Ooh!

That was a lot.

And I started to wonder

if Victor Fleming,

the guy who directed

"The Wizard of Oz,"

if he had a moment during

the filming of the movie

where he was, like, I think

I gotta have a word with Ray,

'cause that's getting

to be a lot.

All right, let him-

Just let him do another one.

Okay, action!

"What happened?"

"Well, first they tore

my arms off

"and they threw them over there!

"And then they tore my legs off.

They threw them over there!"

Okay, cut!

Comes over.

Uh...

So listen.

Ray...

Yes?

Eh, you're fine.

You guys have been great,

thanks a lot for coming.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Thank you very much!

Thank you!
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