(♪♪♪)
RJ OVER RADIO:
And here's the greatest
hits list.
♪ Christmas time is here ♪
♪ Let's get out
the decorations ♪
♪ It's my favorite time
of the year ♪
♪ Let's go pick out a tree ♪
♪ Then we'll stuff
the stockings ♪
♪ And hang up the mistletoe ♪
♪ The nights
are getting colder ♪
♪ I put another log
on the fire ♪
♪ How about
some hot apple cider? ♪
♪ Sounds real good to me ♪
♪ We're singing along
to Christmas songs ♪
♪ On the radio ♪
♪ Candy canes
and chocolate kisses ♪
♪ You'll die cheering
Christmas wishes ♪
♪ First thing
on my Christmas list is you ♪
♪ First thing
on my Christmas list is you ♪
♪ I can't wait for you
to open your gift ♪
♪ You're the only present
for me ♪
♪ I bet you can't guess
what it is ♪
♪ But I have
to wait till Christmas Eve ♪
♪ I'll tell Santa you've been
extra nice this year ♪
♪ Candy canes
and chocolate kisses ♪
♪ You'll die cheering
Christmas wishes ♪
♪ First thing on
my Christmas list is you ♪
♪ With truthful spirit
burning bright ♪
♪ Together
on this silent night ♪
♪ First thing
on my Christmas list is you ♪
(CLOCKS RINGING)
(♪♪♪)
(CLOCK TICKING IN THE BACK)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPING)
(♪♪♪)
SANTA:
Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho.
(♪♪♪)
(SANTA MUNCHING)
(GASPING)
(♪♪♪)
(♪♪♪)
♪ Christmas town ♪
♪ Christmas town ♪
♪ Once again taking in
all the sights and sounds ♪
♪ A celebration of lights
on this glorious night ♪
♪ Happiness all around ♪
♪ Why don't you come on down? ♪
♪ To Christmas town ♪
♪ Hey, what you looking there? ♪
♪ A Christmas tree bringing
Christmas cheer ♪
♪ And everybody's
singing along ♪
♪ To all their favorite
Yule time songs ♪
♪ Christmas town ♪
♪ Christmas town ♪
♪ Once again taking in
all the sights and sounds ♪
♪ The snow is falling down ♪
♪ Here in Christmas town ♪
♪ Mistletoe add some glow ♪
♪ Let's gather round ♪
♪ A celebration of lights
on this glorious night ♪
♪ Happiness all around ♪
♪ Why don't you come on down? ♪
♪ To Christmas town ♪
(PHONE RINGING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
IN DISTANCE)
(SNIFFLES, PANTING)
DOCTOR:
Nikki, as I've been saying,
It's a miracle you woke up.
You've been in a coma
for almost a year.
We were beginning
to lose hope,
even though we kept you stable.
It's been a year?
It's the holidays again.
Um, which we know
can be a stressful time.
Giving your su1c1de attempt
last Christmas,
we'd like to keep you here
a little bit longer
just to talk, okay?
S-- su1c1de?
No.
No, it wasn't.
I-- I didn't.
Try to breathe deeply, Nikki,
okay?
But I-- I didn't--
I didn't do it to myself.
It was-- it was--
it was someone else.
Are you saying you
weren't yourself that night?
No. I'm-- I'm saying...
(♪♪♪)
There's someone here
to see you.
You ready for visitors?
Nikki.
(DOOR CLOSES IN BACK)
WOMAN OVER PA SYSTEM:
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
Dr. Peter, please call in.
Dr. Peter, please call in.
Oh my God.
Penguin...
Can-- Can you talk?
(CHUCKLES)
Hi.
Jess.
What are you doing here?
JESS:
I missed you, Nik.
Missed you, too.
(♪♪♪)
You guys came together?
Yeah, we've been so worried
about you.
The doctors said--
Um, let's just get you home.
Your parents just got the call
and they're-- they're prepping
your room right now.
What do you mean?
Prepping my room?
Well, they kind of turned it
into an exercise room.
Actually, we'd like
to keep Nikki here
for a few more days.
Just to evaluate her.
Can you keep me here
against my will?
No, but...
I feel like we should probably
listen to the doctor though,
right?
Nathan, take me home.
(♪♪♪)
(FIRE CRACKLING IN BACK)
MOM:
Nikki, your friends are here.
(♪♪♪)
JESS:
Merry Christmas, Nik.
Yeah, you too.
(INDISTINCT LYRICS IN BACK)
So, you guys coming
to Christmas Eve dinner
tomorrow?
To tell you the truth,
I'm kind of dreading it.
I'd almost rather be
in a coma again
than have to make conversation
with my parents' friends.
(CHUCKLES)
What?
Um, I was actually gonna head up
to MJ's cabin tomorrow.
Their dad just dropped
them off there, so.
-Tomorrow?
-JESS: Yeah.
I mean, I just think that
after everything
that happened last year,
it might be good
to get out of town.
What do you mean,
everything that happened?
Nothing happened to you.
I'm literally the one
who almost d*ed,
you know, whole year in coma.
JESS:
Yeah, I-- I know, Nik.
I can't even imagine.
But it's not like we all just
went on with our lives
while you were
in a coma, you know.
We-- we visited you,
we hung out with your parents,
we even started a GoFundMe
to help try
to pay for the medical expenses.
I mean, we all put our lives
on hold to try
to make sure that you
and your family were
gonna be okay.
Okay, well, I didn't know that.
You know, thank you.
But I'm feeling better now,
so why don't we all go
to the cabin together?
Um, you don't want
to spend time with your family?
NIKKI:
Yeah, of course I do.
But I also want
to spend time with you guys,
You know,
and um, I don't really want
to spend Christmas again
at this house.
Yeah, I get that.
Um, but like, you just woke up
and it's like...
NIKKI:
I said I want to go,
so can we go?
Um, yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, your two best friends
and your boyfriend.
That's awesome. That's great.
Um, it's gonna be
the best Christmas ever.
Okay.
(♪♪♪)
DOCTOR: So, your friend
has suffered from cerebral
hypoxia.
The blood she lost when her
wrist tendons were severed
caused a lack of oxygen
to the brain.
There could be complications.
NATHAN:
What kind of complications?
DOCTOR:
Cognitive impairment,
memory loss,
even a change in personality.
We'll want to keep her
on crutches
to help her with balance
and to ensure that her depth
of perception is intact.
Meanwhile, she should stay
on the meds
she was on before her attempt.
-NATHAN: Meds?
-DOCTOR: Yes.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
It's alright.
(BIRDS CHIRPING IN DISTANCE)
MJ:
No way.
Malibu Barbie, and Ken,
and Hospice Barbie, and Kendra?
MJ, what happened to you?
MJ:
What happened to me?
Girl, you've been in a coma
for the last year.
I'm good.
I just was chopping some wood
for the fire tonight.
The snow's about to dump.
(JESS CHUCKLES)
MJ:
We should get in the house,
because you're gonna get buried
and Rexie is not a rescue dog.
Come on, Rexie.
(CHUCKLES)
(♪♪♪)
Yo, this stuff is rad.
MJ:
Yeah.
My family used to go crazy
for Christmas.
There's like more boxes
of it somewhere around here.
I love it.
You know, for a Jew,
no one goes harder
for Christmas than you, Nathan.
That's because I was deprived
growing up.
I gotta make up
for all that lost time.
Yeah, but you get eight nights
of gifts for Hanukkah,
don't you?
Sure, but we don't have...
...Santa!
(CHUCKLES)
JESS: Wow, the snow
is really coming down now.
MJ:
Yeah.
You guys are lucky you came
in when you did.
They don't plow on Christmas
and the roads are really scary
when they get icy.
Well, are we gonna be okay?
MJ:
Yeah, we're good.
It's like drunk doomsday
preppers up in here.
We have enough food
and booze for a lifetime.
(LIGHT FLICKERS)
Well, nog?
Um, no, actually.
I think Nathan
and I are gonna have
some TLC time.
Um, yeah.
Actually I was gonna finish
decorating the tree first.
Well, you sure?
I'm feeling better.
I know,
and you know I want to.
It's just that, um...
The doctor says we have to wait
at least a month.
What?
She didn't tell me that.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, well,
maybe we can do that thing
I like.
Yeah,
and we'll have plenty of time
for that.
Okay?
Okay.
Nog me, I guess.
♪ What to give the rest? ♪
(♪♪♪)
You know,
you can tell us what happened
that night.
This is a safe space.
There's no point
in talking about it.
You probably won't believe me.
MJ: Well, try me.
I believe in astrology.
No, I'm-- I'm serious, MJ.
Why wouldn't we believe you?
Because people believe
what they want to.
And if information comes along
that conflicts with that,
it's ignored.
Yeah, confirmation bias.
NATHAN:
Hmm.
I don't think
that's necessarily true.
That's exactly what she's
talking about.
(SIGHS)
I didn't try to commit su1c1de.
(♪♪♪)
I believe you.
Me too.
Um, me too, Nik.
Somebody tried to k*ll me.
MJ:
What?
Is it someone we know?
Well, kind of.
It's-- it's what I'm saying
about you not believing me.
Well, try us.
I mean, we're your best friends.
If you can't trust us,
then who can you trust?
It was Santa.
Santa Claus?
Yes.
Big belly, white beard, red hat.
NIKKI:
And a mask.
(SIGHS)
MJ:
Okay.
True Crime buff here.
If it was Santa,
what was his w*apon of choice?
-MJ!
-MJ: What?
I'm curious.
A Kn*fe.
MJ:
What kind of Kn*fe?
A regular butcher's Kn*fe,
probably from my kitchen.
That makes sense to me.
Guys, Santa isn't real.
And he doesn't wear a mask
and go around k*lling people.
Okay.
But what if Santa is real?
I've been doing research
and there's so many different
Santa mythologies.
Okay, my mom,
she's from Iceland.
And in their culture,
Santa is a monstrous woman
who has a cat
who devours people who
aren't wearing new clothes.
She has children who descend
from the mountains on Christmas.
One of them
who has a giant meat hook
to impale animals,
and another who lurks outside
waiting to steal baked goods.
That's the reason
why we leave cookies out.
NIKKI:
Yeah, probably.
And did you know that Satan,
his nickname is Old Nick?
Old Nick.
Like Old Saint Nick.
Do you guys not see
the similarities here?
Satan, Santa?
And what about Krampus,
Santa's assistant
who literally drags
naughty children to hell?
Girl, I believe you.
And I didn't say that I didn't,
but so just to clarify.
Some psycho dressed up
as Santa Claus
and broke into your house
and tried to k*ll you.
I mean, how did the police
not discover this?
'Cause he didn't break in.
He came through the chimney.
It wasn't some psycho.
It was actually him.
Just to clarify,
Santa Claus flew here
from the North Pole,
pulled by flying reindeer,
and in between stops
dropping off My Little Pony's
and Nintendo Switches,
he put on a mask,
slid down your chimney,
uh, took a Kn*fe
from your kitchen,
and slit your wrist.
I'm telling the truth.
(♪♪♪)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPING)
(♪♪♪)
(PANTING IN DISTANCE)
(♪♪♪)
Hello?
(PANTING IN DISTANCE)
(♪♪♪)
NIKKI:
Jess?
(GASPS)
Nikki!
Nathan?
(PANTING)
(♪♪♪)
(CRIES)
Niki! I'm-- I'm s--
-No.
-What's happening?
Nikki, I--
Nikki.
MJ:
What?
Oh my God.
You guys were f*cking?
NATHAN:
We were gonna tell you.
What is wrong with you guys?
How could you do that to her?
MJ, you knew.
MJ:
Nikki.
They made me promise.
They-- they told me
they were gonna stop
if I didn't tell you.
You guys couldn't keep it
in your f*cking pants
until after the trip?
MJ.
It's okay.
Really?
What?
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, it sucks, but
I was in a coma for a year.
That's-- that's--
it's a long time,
and you guys are you know
two consenting adults, right?
So, I'm sure we can--
I'm sure we can move past this.
Yeah.
I've been polyamorous
for a long time.
Sex isn't a big deal.
Really, Nikki, you're not mad?
No.
We'll be okay.
(♪♪♪)
Best Christmas ever, remember?
(♪♪♪)
(PHONE RINGING)
MOM OVER PHONE:
Merry Christmas.
Hello?
Mom?
MOM OVER PHONE:
Nikki?
Darling, are you alright?
(CRIES)
(INDISTINCT TV CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND)
Yeah.
Yeah. I'm-- I'm fine.
I just wish I was
at home with you guys.
Can you come pick me up?
MOM OVER PHONE:
I'm glad you called.
I was worried about
you guys out there.
Why?
MOM OVER PHONE:
The storm's getting worse,
and they've closed
all the access roads,
including Highway .
You guys have everything
you need out there?
Yeah.
We're good.
I just missed you and Dad.
MOM OVER PHONE:
We miss you too, darling.
What's that, dear?
Yes, I'll be--
I'll be right there.
Darling, the Taylors are here,
so if everything's okay--
Yeah.
Everything is okay.
It's just good
to hear your voice.
MOM OVER PHONE:
Okay.
Merry Christmas, darling.
Yeah, Merry Christmas.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
(♪♪♪)
Merry Christmas.
Oh.
How's my coma recovery going?
Mmm. Pretty good, I guess.
I mean, my head still hurts,
and I'm having trouble walking.
And you know,
I missed a whole year
of my life during
which apparently all my friends
and family just moved on.
Plus, everyone thinks
I'm both psycho
and suicidal, and you know,
I'm starting to feel
a little f*cking psycho myself,
and...
As my mom, you were
my last tether to reality.
But you've just left me
to float around in this injured,
mushy brain of mine.
But yeah, I mean, besides that,
everything is--
everything's good.
I'm fine.
Everything is great.
(♪♪♪)
Best Christmas ever.
♪ There is no place
that I'm going ♪
NATHAN:
Uh, um...
Uh, a surfer!
(CHUCKLES)
Uh...
Uh...
Oh, a homeless person!
-Oh, a scarecrow!
-Jesus Christ!
-MJ: Yeah. Got it!
-JESS: Boom.
You get it, suckers.
Such language
on your Lord's birthday?
Okay, okay.
But is Christmas actually
Jesus' birthday?
I read a bunch of Reddits,
and they say that Christmas
is actually just a plot
by the communists
to brainwash us all
into becoming gay.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I didn't need
to be brainwashed to be gay.
I was born this way.
(JESS CHUCKLING)
Um,
but anyways, whose turn is it?
NIKKI:
Mine.
MJ:
Nikki!
Did we wake you up?
NIKKI:
Nah, I wasn't sleeping.
Well, now she's here,
we can play Secret Santa.
I mean, White Elephant.
Yeah, my stuff is under
the tree with everyone else's.
I'll grab 'em.
Thanks.
Is there any more eggnog?
Uh, yep, I'll get it.
Uh, hey, penguin.
I mean, Nikki,
don't you think we should maybe
take it easy on the alcohol?
Yeah, sure,
let's make it a virgin.
Thanks, Nathan.
MJ:
Like the birthday boy's mama!
Uhh.
-Thank you.
-JESS: There you go.
Speaking
of religious extremist groups,
Jess, did you still want to go
to church tomorrow?
It's kind of a family tradition.
Like Christmas morning?
Uh, we usually do midnight mass.
For real?
Yeah, it's kind of fun actually.
Um, I like the pageantry,
the robes, the hymns,
the candles.
That's very pagan of you.
Ha-ha. Okay, shut up.
(MJ CHUCKLING)
If you did want to go, though,
there's a church down the road.
I don't like going there,
because it's really spooky.
And there's a priest there
that likes
to stare at me as if he
can't wait to pray my sins away.
JESS:
Yeah, I'm sure.
How often do you see this guy?
He's like the only other person
in town.
So basically,
whenever I'm up here.
I mean, whatever, it's cool.
As long as he doesn't come
back up dressed as Santa,
knocking on the door,
asking for cookies
and milk again.
-He did not.
-MJ: Yes, I swear to God he did.
So, me and the invalid
are gonna pass gas on mass,
but if you wanted to go,
there's boots by the door.
Let's do Secret Santa.
Okay.
Let's do Secret Santa.
Yeah, okay.
Um, this one's for MJ.
Okay, um, this one is for Nikki.
Thank you.
(PAPER RUSTLING)
(MJ CHUCKLING)
NATHAN:
Stop.
You guys know me
a little too well.
Who's been snooping on
my OnlyFans?
I love it.
-NIKKI: It's perfect.
-(JESS CHUCKLING)
(BLOWS AIR)
MJ:
Nikki, you good?
(♪♪♪)
What is it?
Nikki, what is it?
Yo, that is f*cked up, y'all.
It wasn't me.
It wasn't me either.
MJ, are you messing with us?
MJ:
Why-- why would I do that?
(BEEP IN DISTANCE)
Cookies, I'm gonna grab 'em.
So, who's next?
Um, I think it's Jess.
(♪♪♪)
Jess?
Here, guys, patient much?
(DOOR CLOSES)
(LIGHT FLICKERS)
Spooky.
MJ:
It's chill, guys.
It does this all the time.
Especially when it snows,
but I have a bunch
of those battery-powered
candles.
They should be
right behind Nikki.
Nikki?
NATHAN:
Nikki!
MJ:
Dude, where is she?
Nik?
(RADIO STATIC)
♪ Christmas time is here ♪
♪ Let's get all
the decorations ♪
♪ It's my fav... ♪
MJ:
Nikki, are you f*cking with us?
♪ Let's go gather our tree ♪
♪ Then we'll stuff... ♪
I guess I should go look
for her.
I mean,
she couldn't have gone far
without the crutches, right?
-Yeah.
-MJ: Yeah, yeah.
I'll go grab the candles.
♪ How about some
hot apple cider? ♪
♪ Sounds real good to me ♪
NATHAN: Nikki?
♪ Singing along to
Christmas songs ♪
♪ On the radio ♪
♪ Candy canes
and chocolate kisses ♪
♪ You'll die cheering
Christmas wishes ♪
♪ First things
on my Christmas list is you ♪
She's not in there.
-NIKKI: Hey.
-Oh, sh*t.
Nikki!
You almost scared me.
What the hell you doing
back there?
I was just grabbing
a flashlight.
Well, I mean,
we already have candles, so...
Okay, I didn't know that,
so I'm just gonna get my PJs on
and I'll come join you.
Okay, well, hurry up.
We were all really worried
about you.
Why are you looking
at me like that?
Come on, Nik.
Don't make this more weird
than it has to be.
Why are you acting like this?
We used to have fun.
You thought that we were
having fun.
We were always hanging out
with your friends,
doing what you wanted to do.
It was like it was Nikki's world
and I was just living in it.
I didn't know you felt that way.
You know,
we could have talked about it,
hung out with your friends,
whatever.
-You know.
-I know, I know.
We just didn't have enough time
before, you know, what happened.
(♪♪♪)
(LIGHT FLICKERS)
Dude, f*ck this sh*t.
I thought you said this happens
all the time.
That light is plugged in
right now!
(♪♪♪)
(NIKKI SCREAMING)
NATHAN:
Nikki!
Nathan, are you okay?
She's gone.
What?
-What do you mean she's gone?
-MJ: Where is she?
(NIKKI SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)
That's coming from upstairs!
NATHAN:
Okay, Nikki.
You got us.
Please come out now.
(DOOR CREAKING IN BACK)
(NIKKI SCREAMING)
NIKKI:
Help me!
NATHAN:
Nikki!
Nikki!
Open the door!
(♪♪♪)
(WIND HOWLING)
f*ck!
(MUNCHING)
Stress eating much?
What?
Well, I made a dozen cookies.
I figured you'd save
at least one for me.
That wasn't me.
Um, me either.
Maybe it was Santa Claus.
That's not funny, MJ.
I'm not trying to be funny.
Don't tell me you believe
Nikki's story.
I mean, I feel for her,
but she's obviously delusional.
Or maybe she's just fine,
'cause this is typical Nikki
making everything about her.
Actually, I have a confession.
(♪♪♪)
When I was ,
my dad didn't make enough money
from his car dealership
that year.
And so we weren't going
to get any presents.
And after dinner,
I went back to my room,
cried myself to sleep.
And then all of a sudden,
I heard...
(BOWL CLICKING)
Then we woke up
and underneath
the Christmas tree
was a pile
of beautifully-wrapped presents.
And the thing that I remember
the most was that
our parents were just
as surprised as me
and my brother were.
I overheard them talking later,
like whether they should call
the cops or not,
or like if
my mom was having an affair
and like was trying to f*ck
with my dad,
because he didn't have
any money,
and well, I don't know.
And then what happened?
My brother went off to college,
my parents split up,
and my dad gave my mom
this house in their divorce.
We never talked about it again.
It's like the vow of secrecy
or something.
But what I do know is
is that it was him.
(♪♪♪)
It was Santa Claus.
Are you guys all messing with me
or am I just the only
sane person left here?
MJ:
Okay.
Then Jess, why do you go
to church every Sunday?
(SCOFFS) What?
-MJ: Do you believe in God?
-JESS: Yes, MJ.
And in Jesus?
Yes, even Nathan admits
that he was a real person.
Like historically, you
can't argue with that.
MJ:
Okay.
And that Jesus was God's son
sent by Him
to be sacrificed
for all of our sins
and that Christmas
is his birthday.
Yes.
Happy birthday, Jesus!
(BLOWS)
Very funny, MJ.
What about Satan?
What?
Do you believe in the devil?
Yes.
-And angels?
-JESS: Yes.
MJ:
But not Santa Claus.
(SIGHS) Okay.
I see your logic there,
but then what
about the Easter Bunny?
Leprechauns?
I mean, I'm not ruling
any of it out.
Okay, I really can't deal
with this right now.
I'm gonna go to my room.
Just let me know
when Nathan gets back.
(WIND HOWLING IN BACK)
NATHAN:
Oh, f*ck.
No f*cking way.
f*ck!
(DOG WHINING AND BARKING
IN DISTANCE)
Rexie!
Rexie, get over here! Come help!
g*dd*mn it, dog.
It's freezing out there.
Finally.
Did you see Nikki?
No.
Did lose a slipper though.
We should call the police.
She hasn't even been gone
for hours.
We can't report her as missing.
She did say she wanted
to be alone.
Maybe she doesn't want
to be found.
I don't think she wants
to be alone,
so I'm gonna go find her.
MJ, it's freezing out there.
I'm gonna go to the church.
You're really gonna
go out there?
Yeah. Your lazy ass didn't even
make it past my backyard.
I feel like I shouldn't leave
Jess alone in the house, though.
Of course, you feel that way.
So, you stay here,
protect the fort, protect us.
I'll just bring Rexie with me.
Rexie?
Rexie?
She's probably
underneath the porch.
Finish the fire?
Yeah, whatever.
(♪♪♪)
(PANTING)
(♪♪♪)
(WIND HOWLING)
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
(BUTTON CLICKS)
MJ:
Rexie!
Come on, Rexie.
Come here, girl.
(♪♪♪)
(FOOT STEPS)
-(BELLS CLICKING ON ROOF)
(♪♪♪)
(PISSING, SIGHS)
-(FOOT STEPS)
-(BELLS CLICKING ON ROOF)
(♪♪♪)
SANTA:
Tell everyone, Santa is real.
(♪♪♪)
(SCREAMS)
(♪♪♪)
Nathan!
Nathan!
(PISSING)
(♪♪♪)
(PANTS)
This is so messed up.
Do you think Nikki's screwing
with us?
Jess, Nikki can barely walk
without her crutches.
We need to call --.
I dropped my phone in the snow.
Give me yours.
There's no service.
(BOTH PANTING)
The landline!
Oh, I forgot about it.
Um, where is it?
Um...
(♪♪♪)
JESS:
I don't see it.
(♪♪♪)
Oh, I think there's one
in our room.
Uh, I mean Nikki's.
Sorry.
Do you know how
to use this thing?
Yeah, you just dial nine first.
(BUTTONS CLICKING)
Come on, come on, come on.
Is something supposed to happen?
A dial tone.
(DIAL TONE)
(BUTTONS BEEPING)
Oh, come on.
SHERIFF OVER PHONE:
MJ.
Is that you?
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
Is this --?
RAY OVER PHONE:
--, --.
It's all the same
around these parts.
This is Ray.
-I'm the sheriff of the county.
-Hi.
Uh, Nathan.
I'm MJ's friend.
RAY OVER PHONE:
Merry Christmas, Nathan.
What can I do for you?
Um, Merry Christmas.
Um, yeah.
So, the power just went out
over here.
RAY OVER PHONE:
Sure. That happens all the time.
MJ's folks should have plenty
of flashlights.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's-- it's-- it's--
RAY OVER PHONE:
And batteries and uh,
I saw them down at Costco...
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
...essentials.
Hello?
(PHONE STATIC)
NATHAN:
Hello?
(♪♪♪)
-Sheriff?
-What's happening?
RAY OVER PHONE:
Open...
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
His mouth won't read.
Twisted.
He-- there's nothing to dread.
What the f--
RAY OVER PHONE:
Nothing to dread-- red.
(PHONE STATIC)
RAY OVER PHONE:
Nothing... (INDISTINCT SPEECH)
-No.
-Give me the phone.
(PHONE STATIC)
(HEAVY BREATHING ON PHONE)
(♪♪♪)
We need to leave.
(WIND HOWLING)
NATHAN:
Well, there's no car.
I can't believe MJ just left us
here with some psycho.
Yeah, some psycho Santa Claus.
What'd you just say?
What, Jess?
Isn't that the simplest
explanation?
It's Pavlov's dog or whatever?
It's Occam's razor, you jock
and you're not even
using it right.
Shh, shh, shh.
♪ Candy canes
and chocolate kisses ♪
(SONG IN DISTANCE)
-Do you hear that?
-Yeah.
♪ The first thing
on my Christmas list is you ♪
JESS:
Nathan, look.
Nathan, wait for me.
(SONG IN DISTANCE)
Hey, look.
It's tradition.
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
Hey.
Hey.
So, we haven't talked about it.
Yeah.
I mean, what do you think?
Like I-- I obviously feel bad,
but I also don't,
like she was gonna
find out anyway, so.
Yeah, it's kind of weird.
It's like she was dead
and then came back to life.
Like Jesus?
NATHAN:
I see what you did there.
Or am I just a dumb jock?
(SIGHS) I'm sorry
I was stressed.
NATHAN:
Yeah, me too.
So, what now, like with us?
Um, well,
we obviously have to stop
seeing each other in that way.
Okay.
Glad, we're on the same page.
Yeah, hundo P.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
NATHAN:
Um, okay.
(♪♪♪)
There's nothing there.
(♪♪♪)
(MJ CRIES)
You need to go get them.
You need to go get 'em.
You need to go...
Okay, okay, okay.
They need only-- okay, okay.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
MJ:
I'm coming for you, Nikki.
-(ENGINE REVVING)
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
(♪♪♪)
(CRACKING IN BACK)
-(DEEP BREATHES)
-(BELL JINGLING IN BACK)
(♪♪♪)
(WHIMPERS)
SANTA:
Tell me, little girl.
Have you been naughty or nice?
-(ENGINE REVVING)
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
(KEYS JINGLING)
(DOOR OPENS, CAR BEEPS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(♪♪♪)
(PANTING)
f*cking night mass. (CHUCKLES)
(♪♪♪)
(LITURGICAL MUSIC IN BACK)
REVEREND:
Merry Christmas.
You're a bit early,
but uh, I wasn't expecting that
much of a crowd tonight.
If any, what with the weather
and all.
Yeah, and with the--
the power outage, right?
Oh, this?
This is just ambiance, my son.
I was watching the Celtics
and Lakers game
on the big screen in the back.
Anyway, take a seat.
Might as well get started.
-No, no, no, it's a--
-REVEREND: Oh, don't worry, son.
We're Lutherans here.
I'll have you out in no time.
We need help.
I'm staying over the hill
with my friends
and my girlfriend, well--
I guess my ex-girlfriend,
she's missing.
And-- and Santa Claus is--
REVEREND:
Oh, it's Santa Claus?
Good old Saint Nick.
Kris Kingle.
I think Santa is real
and he's trying to k*ll us.
I couldn't agree more.
Um...
I'm-- I'm Nathan.
I'm Father Childeric,
but you can call me "Ric".
Father, I think I need
to use your phone.
We're in danger.
Listen,
I'll tell you something
about Santa Claus.
Santa is one of our two crimson
antipodal Christ mockeries.
One freezing at the North Pole
and one burning in hell.
Santa, Satan,
what's the difference?
Look, I'm Jewish,
but the Santa I know,
he delivers presents
and he brings joy.
He doesn't wear a mask
and try to k*ll people.
Oh, the real Santa Claus
doesn't look anything
like that character
in your Coca-Cola commercials,
Nathan.
He looks like
your deepest fears.
The greatest trick Santa
ever pulled
was convincing the world
he's jolly.
Making light of the sacrament
by eating a cookie
instead of a wafer.
Promising his return
as if he were the Messiah.
He's no better than a--
a vagrant,
an itinerant sneaking
into homes
with his cheap so-called list.
Naughty or nice.
A tri-facsimile
of your Jewish book of life.
As if a fat man
in a silly red hat could decide
whether we live or d--
Father!
(SINISTER MUSIC)
(SANTA TAKING DEEP BREATHS)
(♪♪♪)
REVEREND:
Please don't!
(REVEREND GRUNTING)
(REVEREND SCREAMING)
(SANTA TAKING DEEP BREATHS)
(♪♪♪)
SANTA:
'Twas the night
before Christmas...
when all through the house
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
Three stockings were hung by
the chimney with care,
in hopes that Saint Nicholas
soon would be there.
The moon on the breast
of the new-fallen snow...
gave the lustre of midday
to objects below.
A little old driver
so lively and quick.
I knew in the moment,
it must be Saint Nick.
Nikki?
Jess?
Nathan?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Huh, dumbass.
(NATHAN PANTING)
NATHAN:
Wait. Wait.
-(LIGHT FLICKERS)
-(NATHAN GRUNTING, CHOKING)
(SOBS)
JESS:
Nathan!
SANTA:
Has this little boy
been naughty...
or nice?
He's been nice.
SANTA:
Oh, has he?
And what about you, little girl?
(WHIMPERS)
You didn't answer me before.
Have you been naughty?
Or nice?
Do you want to sit
on Santa's lap and tell him?
Get away from me!
(GRUNTS)
SANTA:
Ow!
Oh.
Nikki?
Nikki, what are you doing?
Let's talk about this, okay?
I can explain.
All right.
I would say you have about...
(GRUNTING)
Stop. Stop! Just stop it!
seconds.
Everyone thought you were dead
except for me.
I never lost hope
and your parents
were planning your memorial
and I told them to stop,
because God was gonna
bring you back,
because He works miracles.
-.
-JESS: And I spent
so many nights
by your bed crying
and praying for you and--
and Nathan was so sad.
Nikki, you should have seen him.
We didn't plan for this
to happen, okay?
-Five.
-JESS: And we just did
and we tried to be friends
for so long
out of respect for you,
but we only had each other
when you were gone.
He was the only person
who understood
what I was going through.
Nikki, come on.
Nikki, come on!
He can't breathe.
(NATHAN COUGHS)
(GASPING)
Forgive us, Nikki.
We love you.
I love you too, Nathan.
(GRUNTS)
Nathan!
(GRUNTING)
But unfortunately,
you're on my naughty list.
No! What did you do?
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
(♪♪♪)
(PANTING, GROANING)
You did this to me.
This isn't about you!
I was just going for
what I wanted for once.
Why couldn't you just let me
have this one thing?
Oh, but Jess,
if you want a gift,
you have to sit on my lap
and say pretty please, Santa.
You're a f*cking psycho.
I'm so f*cking tired
of living in your shadow.
I worked so f*cking hard, Jess.
I worked so f*cking hard.
So, it's not my fault
that you are too weak
and insecure to be
my f*cking friend,
which you never were.
You saw a chance
to feed your ego.
You took it.
You slept with my boyfriend.
And you betrayed me.
You just can't stand that
the world went on without you.
Well, I'm still alive, Jess,
aren't I?
I didn't try to k*ll myself.
You still expect me
to believe the Santa bullshit?
Look at yourself.
You look ridiculous, Nikki.
You're just living proof
that Santa isn't real.
Oh, but Jess,
Santa is real.
You know why Nathan never wanted
to go down on you?
It's because
you're a pillow princess.
But I made him feel so good,
he couldn't keep his hands
off of me.
Face it, Nikki,
-I won.
-Ho!
(JESS SCREAMS)
Ho!
Ho!
(♪♪♪)
(WIND BLOWING)
(♪♪♪)
(♪♪♪)
(FLOOR CREAKING)
I'm so happy you're okay.
I've been looking
for you forever.
You were right.
Santa's out k*lling people.
I'm pretty sure
he got Nate and Jess.
(MJ SOBS)
MJ:
You were right.
You've always been right.
Santa is real.
(♪♪♪)
♪ Up on the housetop,
reindeer paws ♪
♪ Out jumps good old
Santa Claus ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with lots of toys ♪
♪ All for the little ones
Christmas joys ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop ♪
♪ Click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪
♪ First comes a stocking
of little Nell ♪
♪ Oh, dear Santa, fill it well ♪
♪ Give her a dolly that laughs
and cries ♪
♪ One that will open
and shut its eyes ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop ♪
♪ Click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop ♪
♪ Click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪
♪ Next comes a stocking
of little Will ♪
♪ Oh, just see
what a glorious fill ♪
♪ Here is a hammer
and lots of tacks ♪
♪ A whistle and a ball
and a whip that cracks ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop ♪
♪ Click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop ♪
♪ Click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop ♪
♪ Click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪
♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
Hey, somebody order a pizza?
Santa?
How are you gonna
do me like that?
-MAN : Cut!
-(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)
MAN :
And that's a wrap!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Santa Isn’t Real (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3