I didn't know that.
What is this silly talk?
-I left my family for you.
-Then go back to Pakistan.
-Nadeem!
-When you give a man dal roti every day,
sometimes he wants a bite
of a juicy American steak.
You don't like beef.
It gives you bad stomach. Bad gas.
That's not what I'm saying.
You don't understand anymore.
What about our daughters?
I don't want a Pakistani woman
that I have to take care of.
I want an American woman
who can take care of herself.
We're not good enough for you, Nadeem?
It is Ned now.
Don't worry, Mommy.
I'll take care of us. I promise.
Sameem, don't marry a man you love.
Marry a man that loves you.
He'll take care of you.
Sameem, Maryam,
you going to get Ameera now?
-What?
-Where are you? We have to get Ameera.
-I'll meet you there.
-Okay. Fine. Good. This is the last time.
Sameem, Maryam!
Yeah, yeah, Mom, we're coming.
Hurry up. You're going to get late.
What's the purpose of your visit?
I'm here to find
a nice Pakistani-American doctor to marry.
"A-mee-ra."
Girl, I don't know any nice men.
How you gonna find
a nice Pakistanian doctor?
This is New York, where dreams come true.
What dreams?
I saw it in an Eddie Murphy movie,
Coming to America.
Welcome to America.
The land of dreams.
Thank you.
Khala, this is so good.
Just like Ammi makes it.
Then take more, take more.
Mom, is this meat halal?
It is halal-ish.
What does that mean?
It means that the man
at the corner store is Jewish.
Jewish eat kosher.
So if we buy from him,
then it is halal-ish.
Mom. Mom!
Ameera, you got a little fat.
Show me your face.
-A little dark also.
-There's too much heat in Lahore.
I know, but we'll find you a nice doctor.
My visa expires in six months,
so we have to find somebody fast.
Otherwise, Ammi's gonna make me marry
that boring cousin Jamal back home.
But your father's on your side.
Ever since Abu lost his job, it's been...
I know it's not been easy on them.
But you did the right thing
by coming here.
Sameem baji,
when are you getting married?
She is already married.
To her job.
Sameem is up for a big promotion.
But a job is not the same
as having your own home and children.
Beta, someone has put the evil eye
on both my daughters,
and now they're not going to get married.
They think they know everything best.
But you trust your Khala, hmm?
She'll find you a lovely doctor.
Crap, I'm gonna be late.
-It's just a study group.
-The MCATs aren't gonna ace themselves.
She's very serious about her studies.
Sorry.
Hi, Maryam. Guys, this is Maryam.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Shahid.
Why don't you just stay here?
I have a nail appointment.
Shahid?
Oh, right.
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys, does anyone know
what the by-product is
of free-radical chlorination
of an alkaline?
Hydrogen chloride.
We have all the candidates eager
to share their policies
for this year's Senate campaign.
Amanda, over to you.
Now joining me is senatorial candidate
Douglas Smarts.
Mr. Smarts, what are your thoughts
on our immigration policy?
We have a problem with immigrants.
If they wanna live in our country,
they have to live by our rules.
Thank you, Mr. Smarts.
These comments come during
a heated senatorial election campaign.
Do you agree with his comments?
Let us know.
What's up?
I mean, you're working
on the Douglas Smarts account.
I mean, the guy is a r*cist.
Yeah, that? I just--
I feel like that's all just for show.
I bet you could ask
to be moved off the account.
And give up one of our biggest accounts?
No, thank you.
Jim is probably gonna pick a new director
of communications at the meeting.
And?
I'm not 1000% positive, but...
pre-congratulations!
What?
-Hello?
-No. Are you sure?
You know what?
You need to find your lady balls
and own that meeting.
Come on. Say it.
I'm gonna find my lady balls
and own that meeting.
Yes!
Huge balls.
All right, I'll see you later. Yeah.
Take some haldi, put it in warm water,
and wash your face with it.
And in ten days, you'll see,
you'll look so fair.
Get some rice.
Khala, these prices are ridiculous.
I think we should just go somewhere else.
Don't even think about
converting dollars into rupees.
They charge the same everywhere.
Seventeen dollars?
Okay, Khala, let me just show you
how we do this Pakistani style.
-What are you doing?
-Trust me.
Ameera. Ameera, what are you doing?
This rice is $17, I will pay 15.
The aata is 12, I will pay you 8.
And we are taking two dals,
so I want one half off.
-Why not everything for free?
-This is wonderful. Thank you.
-He doesn't mean it.
-No, no, no.
-The prices are fixed.
-Yes.
There's always room
for negotiation, Mister...?
Gabriel.
Mr. Gabriel, I want to speak
to your store owner, please.
-Please, let me pay--
-You're talking to him.
-You're making a scene.
-Wait a second.
We will pay you 24 for everything.
-Okay, 26 is my final offer.
-Ameera!
Thirty.
Twenty-eight.
And you have yourself a deal, Mr. Gabriel.
You drive a hard bargain, Miss...?
Ameera.
Ameera.
Oh, and we also want
a copy of the Urdu Post.
Okay. It's free.
It's free. It's free.
-Thank you very much.
-You're welcome.
Sam is gonna be so successful.
And you're gonna be a great doctor.
Everybody's gonna get what they want.
This is America. The land of dreams.
And with that, I'm going to sleep.
-Good night.
-Good night.
-Good night, Ameera.
-Good night.
Welcome to America.
Thank you.
Ameera, I need to get ready for work.
Coming, Sameem baji.
-Remember, we have lunch today.
-Is that my cardigan?
-I was thinking the park.
-Dude!
-I'll give it back. I promise.
-No food stains.
Okay, you can go now, Sameem baji.
Damn it! There's no hot water left.
In addition to moms,
we should look at Millennials
to up engagement for healthy snacks.
Moms of younger kids. We should place
QR codes and hashtags on boxes--
I was thinking that in addition
to the Twitter and Facebook campaigns,
that we should put the product
in the stores.
Take it from digital to physical
for the younger moms.
Fine. Ed, you take
the healthy snacks account.
Okay. And with that,
I'd like to announce Tim's replacement.
This is a person
who has not only demonstrated
that they can get the job done,
but they know exactly the direction
this company needs to move.
Ed.
-Yeah. Yes.
-Yes! Yes.
You are
our new communications director. Yeah.
-Good work, Ed. Keep that up. All right.
-All right. Yeah.
You k*lled it, buddy.
I think I've really stepped it up
in the last year since Tim left.
You have, Khan.
You are an invaluable member of the team.
I wanted that promotion.
I think I earned it.
-Well, no, you were under consideration.
-But...?
Some men have the ability
to really lead a room.
And we felt that you were lacking
in that leadership quality.
Leadership isn't teamwork?
Leadership brings the team together.
And teamwork makes the dream work.
What did he say?
"Teamwork makes the dream work."
It's so ridiculous.
So, in other news,
that guy Jay is Facebook-stalking you?
He's acting like such a little girl.
He keeps calling too.
And you only went on two dates?
Yeah, well, I made the mistake
of sleeping with him on my second date.
Dude, I'm never gonna be able
to afford my own place.
-Home's not that bad.
-It's a zoo, Maryam.
Mom will be lonely if we both leave.
Listen, nerd,
you have a real chance at a future.
I'm not gonna let you
mess that up for Mom.
If you get into a good med school
out of state, you should go.
She'll be fine.
Dude, my cardigan!
To be fair, he's pretty cute.
If Matt Damon and Brad Pitt had
a brown love child,
it would totally look like this guy.
He's in my MCAT study group.
You should ask him out!
No. I have to focus on my studies.
Listen, nerd,
you can get Brad Damon or anyone else.
Just take off the scarf
and wax your mustache.
Brad Damon has a girlfriend.
It's not me.
If you want something,
you have to make it happen.
Let's go.
-Thank you for coming with me.
-Yeah, you're welcome.
-Jim?
-What's up, Khan?
I think you made a mistake
not giving me the promotion.
-And I'm gonna prove it to you.
-Great. Looking forward to it.
Okay, then.
-Khan.
-Yeah?
If you're gonna call your sh*t,
you'd better hit it out of the park.
I will.
"Looking for slim, tall,
fair bride for doctor."
That's a good one for you.
"Professional divorced man in 30s
seeking young bride. No issues, please."
He definitely have issue.
"32-year-old Sunni male doctor
looking for understanding woman
to complete half my religion."
"If loving the Lord is wrong,
I don't wanna be right!"
-What you said?
-Khala, can we call this one, please?
Of course. Come.
Now, give me the number.
628-2178.
...2178.
Hello?
Yes, I have.
She's Pakistani girl of very good height.
-More than 5 feet.
-5'3".
She's 5'3".
Yes.
Hello? Hello?
Bad connection.
Let's leave all this.
Now we will start from the beginning.
Come, now. Age?
Thirty.
We'll say 24, 25.
What did you study in college in Lahore?
Bachelor of science. I was also teaching.
Very good.
We will say accomplished scientist
and lecturer in college.
What about cooking?
Do you make karahi gosht? Biryani?
I can make a great biryani
and a fantastic omelet.
Very good. We'll say gourmet cook
in international cuisine.
But, Khala, these are all lies.
Don't worry, everybody tells
one or two white lies here and there.
When you get married,
nobody will care about all this.
Next.
Come on, buddy. Just take the 50.
Come on. What do you mean? It's New York.
-You have change for a 50?
-No.
-I like the mustard... sweater.
-Thanks.
It looks nice. Have a nice day.
All right. Come on, buddy.
You can't tell me
you don't have change for a 50.
You don't take 50s...
Here. I'll get him.
And can I also grab a water, please?
Thank you.
-Yeah, no problem.
-No, that's really sweet.
Can I have your name? Number?
I need your number
so I can send you money.
I'm a cop. I'm a police officer.
I'm off-duty.
I might be a little bit out of shape,
but I'm definitely a police officer.
-Let me just pay it back.
-Don't worry about it.
-All right.
-Sure. Yeah.
-Is your card not working?
-Yeah.
Let me see that. Sometimes they get...
dirty or temporarily demagnetized.
Hey. Thanks.
Maryam, right?
What med schools are you applying to?
Me?
I'm still weighing out my options. You?
Well, Harvard's my first choice,
but I'm gonna apply
to Columbia and NYU as backup.
Me too. Harvard's my first choice.
So, what field do you want to get into?
-Pediatrics.
-No way. Me too!
You know, I did an internship
in India last summer...
I cannot handle the OR.
I think simple pedes for me.
Totally. I agree.
-I'm this way.
-Yes, I am!
Yes, you are?
I'm this way.
Okay, Maryam. Have a great night.
You too.
"Yes, I am"?
Stupid!
There is a man.
Okay. Does he have a job?
He lives in Germany.
-Does he speak English?
-Don't be stupid.
His name is Zishan. He's a doctor.
And he's going to let you work
after you get married.
He's a doctor.
As strikingly handsome as this man is,
I'm not interested in anyone
who will let me work.
At your age, you can't be too picky.
-What's with you?
-"Yes, I am"?
Like I said, a freaking zoo!
Maryam. Push her.
-I'm not gonna push her.
-Do it.
-You push her.
-Just nudge her a little bit.
"Leadership brings the team together,
and teamwork makes the dream work."
You pick Ed? Ed?
-Ed can suck my--
-Hey, Sam.
-Hey, Ed.
-What are you working on?
I was looking at some trends
on the Douglas Smarts account.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
Nice. Like what?
Okay, so...
This picture of him playing with his dog
was liked fifty-fifty by both sides.
I was just looking at some data
to see how we can use it.
That's great.
Why don't you just schedule
the next set of tweets
and I'll take care of the details?
-I already scheduled those.
-You're a star.
Yeah.
Okay. Just...
All right.
-Hey, Jim.
-Yeah?
I've been tracking
some pretty interesting trends
on the Douglas Smarts account
that I'd love to run by you.
-Yep. Let's hear them.
-Yeah? Great.
Son of a bitch.
Maryam?
Shahid. What are you doing here?
I just started working here.
Are you here too?
-Yep.
-No way!
-How about you show me around?
-No problemo.
Which is something
I'm apparently saying now.
Sorry.
-What the hell do you think you're doing?
-Sorry. Sorry.
This is the problem with your generation.
You have no respect for your elders.
Now my sons want to marry who they want.
They say, "This is my life, Dad!"
See how those eggs break?
This is how they break my heart.
Miss Ameera. You okay?
You want some water?
There.
You feel better?
Now, listen. Don't worry about Mr. Naeem.
His sons wanna marry non-Muslim girls.
-Oh, no.
-Yeah.
No wonder.
Hey, I have the Urdu Times
if you wanna read something.
And I have mango lassi.
I love mango lassi!
So, what's the news in Pakistan?
The news is always bad in Pakistan.
I just go straight
to the matrimonial column.
I want to find
a nice Pakistani-American doctor to marry.
Okay.
That's why I came to America.
Really?
What's the matter?
It looks like everybody has
the same dream as me.
I'm sure you'll find the right guy.
Try my mango lassi.
Thank you.
You call this a mango lassi?
The guy that used to make it,
he left, but...
I can teach you to make the best
mango lassi in the world in minutes.
In minutes?
-Want me to teach you?
-You're not gonna bargain me down
like you did over there, are you?
And you have to find me
a nice Pakistani doctor to marry.
-He has to be a doctor?
-Deal?
I can't promise anything,
but I'll try my best.
Deal.
...and sometimes we have to close up shop.
But that's pretty much it.
It's pretty chill.
Well, after India,
chill is exactly what I'm looking for.
Chilling like a villain.
...is something I never say.
Hey, it's my fiance Maya.
One sec.
Smooth, Maryam. Real smooth.
Maya just broke up with me.
-Your fiance?
-Yeah.
What happened?
Apparently, she's gonna marry
a cardiothoracic surgeon.
I can't do surgery.
I don't even like the OR.
I'm not like
her cardiothoracic surgeon father.
Oh, man.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Thanks.
Sorry.
I was just...
I was looking forward to getting married.
Really?
I mean...
Really?
Yeah. I guess,
I'm kind of old-fashioned that way.
Shahid.
No, I can't...
I got her this promise ring.
...believe she did that.
You weren't engaged?
We were gonna be promised to be engaged.
But...
she'd already been engaged to him.
That's...
pretty messed up.
You'll meet someone better.
Thanks.
Hey!
Remember me?
Hi.
Hi!
Now, that is lassi.
-Lassi.
-Lassi.
Okay, the trick is to use homemade yogurt.
Make it very creamy.
Okay.
So good.
You got the...
So how's your doctor search going?
It's not going.
-Not even one person called me.
-Not one?
That sucks.
It's okay. This is America...
where dreams come true.
Right?
I got something for you.
I haven't seen this movie.
It's not really a movie.
It's a movie of his standup special.
I love standups.
-Can you do the laugh?
-Oh, yeah. Of course. Ready?
I'm gonna kick your ass.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
Thank you.
So are you saying that you love this kala?
-This Black man.
-That's terrible. How can you say that?
I'm Black. I can say it.
Plus, that's what you people think.
Who told you that?
I grew up in this neighborhood.
That's who told me that.
Okay, I don't care.
I will shout from the mountaintops.
I love this kala! I love this kala!
We're gonna get
kicked out of the neighborhood.
-You can't say kala.
-I love this kala.
-I know you do.
-I love this kala.
-You can't say kala.
-I love this kala.
-You can't say kala.
-I love this kala.
Are you going out to meet your boyfriend?
More like going out to find a boyfriend.
I'm not interested in a boyfriend.
Who needs that hassle?
Do you think
boys and girls can be just friends?
I think friendship is the basis
of all relationships.
Guys only want one thing,
and it's not your friendship.
Don't listen to her.
Do you have a guy friend
you wanna get to know better?
Me? No. Oh, no, no.
Well, if you do, I don't think
there's anything wrong with that.
Really? But what would Khala think?
I think she'd understand.
Khala doesn't mind you
going out like this?
I keep Khala on a need-to-know basis,
and she doesn't need to know this.
Can you please come home tonight?
Because I'm done covering up for you.
You know what? I'm a grown-ass woman!
Mom, I'm going out with some friends.
Leave something to the imagination.
Let them buy the cow first,
then they will take the milk for free.
Okay.
I might be out late.
I know all about your late nights.
I'm your mother. Okay?
Good night, then.
Maryam.
Learn something from your sister
about putting on a little makeup.
Boys don't like girls all covered up.
Let them see the free milk,
then they will buy the cow.
I don't wanna marry someone
who sees me as a cow.
You should have seen me
when I was your age.
I was something else.
You're never gonna get married
with that scarf on your head.
I don't want to be with someone
who doesn't get my values.
It's not safe to cover your hair,
with everything that's going on.
It's not like we live in France, Mom.
I'm going to bed.
Go.
I'm sure we can--
I pay this company a lot of money
to manage my social media,
and I expect you
to keep family out of it.
Well, Mr. Smarts, here, please have a seat
and just tell me what the problem is.
-Sorry for the loss of your dog.
-I don't care about the stupid dog.
What concerns me is you people
can't seem to follow simple instructions.
I ordered you
to keep my family out of the politics.
And Boxer was family.
Well...
It was all entirely my fault, sir,
and I deeply apologize...
You're fired.
Son, get out.
Does anyone else wanna
deeply apologize to me?
I take complete responsibility--
Mr. Smarts, if I may?
You are getting more followers
and likes on Twitter
from people who don't usually
support your politics.
But you have Boxer in common.
These are dog lovers.
Keeping this in mind,
I think it might be a useful strategy
to share more details about Boxer
on social media
to connect with your fan base.
What's your name?
Sam.
What's your last name?
"Kahan."
Is that a Muslim name?
It has Hebrew origins.
I'm 100% American, sir.
I've always admired the Jewish people.
They've always been able to keep
their eyes on the bigger picture,
so to speak.
That unfortunate business
with Jesus aside, of course.
Well, we all fall short of the glory.
Amen, sister.
Welcome to the team, Samantha.
Jim.
Isn't your name Khan?
My grandparents came over
after the Second World w*r.
Jews from Poland.
They changed their name to Smith.
Very good work today.
-Good enough to get that promotion?
-I'll tell you what,
you bring the Smarts account
100,000 new followers,
and we can revisit your promotion
at the end of the quarter.
-All right?
-Will do.
Teamwork...
The doctor's not here.
You have to take him to the hospital.
Okay, okay.
He's wheezing.
In the drawer. Grab me the nebulizer.
Okay. Take a deep breath in for me.
Great job.
He has asthma.
I totally just "froke" out.
-Froke?
-Totally.
And then when he started to breathe,
I thought, maybe I can do this.
I wanna go to Harvard.
It has the best pedes program
in the country.
What'd I tell you? And with your grades,
you'll get in easily.
I have to score really high on the MCATs.
At least do a 522.
Hey, you!
Go back to your own country!
America is great.
-Sam!
-This is my country.
Go back to whatever hovel
you crawled out of.
America is great.
Get the hell out of here!
What's wrong with you, huh?
Throwing cans at ladies?
Zane?
Hey, you never called me.
-You two know each other?
-Yeah, we're dating.
-No, we're not. It was one date.
-It was a great date!
Come on. I know this great cannoli place
in Little Italy.
Good night, officer.
Come on.
I'll text you.
I'll be waiting!
Come on. Move it.
-Well, he's new.
-He's okay.
Oh, my God. You like him.
Whatever, nerd.
You like him. He's a cop.
The number one problem in America
is that we've forgotten
who the real Americans are.
Maryam, this is why I'm always
telling you to take it off.
This guy's a joke.
Someone's gotta pay the bills.
Did the people not like the old president
because he was Black?
Black people are crooks.
You stay away from them.
Mom! You can't say
or believe things like that.
Why?
I'm up for a promotion at work.
When I get it,
I'm thinking about moving out.
I let you go to party
with your friends late. That's it.
I'll be able to pay the mortgage here
and pay for a studio
if I get the promotion.
Why? My house is not big enough for you?
-I need my own space.
-Space.
-Save me.
-No.
And Maryam's gonna go to school
out of state next year.
What?
I'm not good enough for you?
You both want to leave me.
Mom, don't you want us to have
more than this? Be something?
Yes! But first you go and get married
and have children.
Then go, be whatever you want.
I'm gonna move out.
Tomorrow is speed-dating night.
I expect you to go with Ameera.
-I have work.
-It's all about the work.
Now, show them your nice side.
Don't smile. Don't laugh.
Don't talk too much.
Just be yourself. Go.
I really love to cook.
And I will need a lot of closet space.
You and I could go shoe shopping together.
Now that I think about it,
I think it could really be fun.
There's no point in working.
My dad owns all the laundromats in town.
Me doing any kind of manual labor?
I mean, look at these things.
-Thank you.
-Great job on that account, Sam.
-Great job.
-Thanks, guys.
Damn, girl. You fine.
But you ain't my type.
Like, my parents,
they're making me meet Paki girls.
I like blonde girls.
But if it does work out between us,
you mind dyeing your hair?
I mean, you know,
down there?
Hey, where you going?
-Well, that's...
-Over.
-How do you think you did?
-I think okay. You?
Yeah. Okay, I think.
Hey, Maryam, the test is over.
We should hang out.
Yeah, to celebrate.
Or to just hang out.
Yeah.
And then there are these men
on muslimmatrimony.com.
Half of them are balding.
And they put a picture up
of when they were 18,
and now they're 50.
I'm going to be 30 next year,
who's going to marry me?
-I'm going to be over the mountain.
-That's "over the hill."
Yes. I tell you, Mr. Gabriel,
they do not want nice girls in America.
They want the blonde girl.
Or they want girls
who can cook and clean for them.
Or they want girls to cut their toenails.
You're gonna find someone soon, inshallah.
-Do you know what inshallah means?
-Yeah. "God willing."
In Pakistan, inshallah means
it's never going to happen.
Inshallah, I will donate to your charity.
Inshallah, I will feed
the hungry children.
Inshallah, I will take you
to the Madonna concert.
-Take your inshallah back.
-No, I'm not taking it back.
-Take your inshallah back.
-Okay, I'll take it back.
-How do you know about inshallah?
-I'm Muslim.
But you're Black.
I am?
It's not like they're mutually exclusive.
You can be both.
In fact, I think we were Muslim
before you guys.
You okay? You need some water?
You're-- Oh, you're choking.
You're-- You're choking.
You okay?
You okay? You need some water?
Are you all right? I'm a doctor.
-You okay?
-She's good.
-You're a doctor?
-Yeah.
Hello, myself Ameera.
Hello. Jawad.
-Jawad?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Pakistani?
-How are you?
-How are you?
-Good. Thank you.
This is a bit too much.
This is what normal people look like
on a date.
-It's not a date.
-What is it, then?
We're just, you know...
-Nope. I don't know.
-We're just hanging out. Okay?
This is what normal people look like
when they hang out.
-Okay. I like...
-Dude!
-He needs to see all your assets.
-No, he doesn't!
Okay. Fine, then. You are on your own.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
My genius beta passing his MedCATs!
Waited for this day my whole life.
Enough studying buddying.
What is for dessert?
Hi. Would you like to see a dessert menu?
Sure.
Wow, that is such a pretty scarf.
Are you from Persia?
Nope. Born and bred in Queens.
I'll have a chocolate cake, please.
Okay.
Where are you really from?
Like, really from?
Wanna dance?
I love to dance.
I should go.
Thanks for the ride home.
I've really enjoyed studying with you
these past few months.
Me too. Enjoyed it.
The studying, I mean.
-And getting to know you.
-Yeah.
I haven't met anyone like you.
Yeah. Okay.
-I should go.
-Wait.
Stop.
What's wrong?
I really like you.
I really like you too.
No, like,
I really, really, really like you.
I know.
No, but I don't wanna kiss you.
No, not--
I mean, I do wanna kiss you, but I don't.
I can't, you know?
What do you mean?
I want my first kiss
to be with my husband.
But that's like...
a nun.
I know, but that's how I roll.
-I get it. It's not your thing.
-No, Maryam, wait.
No, I mean, I get it. It's ancient.
It's traditional. It's old-fashioned.
-No, I like old-fashioned.
-I don't even--
Yeah. So if I were to have my mom...
call your mom
and ask for your hand in marriage,
would that be how you roll?
What?
Good. Well, as I always say,
you are all are just great.
But one of you really stood out
and saved one of our biggest accounts
this quarter.
It is an absolute pleasure to announce
that the person I'm talking about
is none other than Sam Khan,
who is being promoted to team lead.
Oh, yes.
She has shown great, great leadership
this quarter,
and we look forward to seeing more.
Keep up the good work.
Knock, knock, knock, my little boss.
I thought we could have
a little celebration before we go out.
Love to, but I can't. I have this dinner
for my cousin and my sister's wedding.
-Mom would k*ll me if I'm not home.
-Wedding?
Hold on.
Didn't they meet, like, yesterday?
Yeah, they did.
-Is it a shotgun wedding?
-No.
That's just how we do--
There's no premarital anything.
-Nothing?
-Nothing.
Okay, but, like, what if the guy can't,
you know, like...?
Dude, I could never do what they're doing,
but this is what they want.
I better go.
No, no, no, not ready yet.
Oh, that tasted like a new job.
-Come on.
-Let's go.
She's promoted!
Huge lady balls!
Not hairy balls, just lady balls.
Sameem.
Both your sister and your cousin
are getting married.
Sameem.
So nice to meet you.
Ameera has told me
such wonderful things about you.
Come, come, come.
Come, come, come.
Sameem, beti, enough working, shirking.
Time to settle down. Have you lost weight?
My nephew from Pakistan is coming
in a month. You have to meet him.
Listen, only our men have
the stamina of horses, eat like lions,
and last all night.
Excuse me just one minute.
My gosh. You're very lucky.
Mom? I'm gonna go now.
Maryam, you tell your sister
if she leaves the house today,
-I will never speak to her again.
-Come on, Mom.
This house is big enough for everyone.
Yes, and I'm 30 years old.
I love you, Mom.
None of all this love shove.
If you really cared for me,
you'd get married and go to your own house
instead of moving into an empty apartment
in a big city.
Khadija's daughter did that,
and you saw how it turned out.
She's the VP of a Fortune 500 company.
She is a gay.
And she lives with another woman.
Her mother can't even
show her face in public.
I'll see you on Monday?
If you walk out of the house just now,
next time you come back,
you will see my dead face.
Don't be so dramatic.
Dramatic?
Don't tell me I'm being dramatic.
I'm not doing drama shrama
for your entertainment.
You are just like your father.
Leaving me the way he did.
Sam.
-Don't go, please.
-Take care of yourself, nerd.
I got your favorite!
Thanks.
Your mom and sister are gonna be fine.
I don't know.
They're both super stubborn.
They're family.
Family always comes first.
You think?
I'm sure of it.
Now, come on, let's do this!
You do it.
Okay.
No, no, I got this.
-On the count of three.
-All right, one...
Hey.
Yes!
Hey, hey, hey. Come on.
That's a great score.
It's not a 522.
You could still get an interview
at Harvard.
And even if you don't...
you still have me.
Thanks.
-Where are we going?
-You'll see.
Tell me now.
I like it here.
We're here.
I can't.
Okay.
Where's the girl? She makes better lassis.
I don't know.
I haven't seen her in a while.
Too bad.
She makes better lassis.
The best.
It's very nice.
Jawad is sparing no expense.
Damn. No, he's not.
-So pretty, right?
-Yeah. Oh, my gosh.
-So big.
-How's Mom?
-Khala really misses you.
-Does she, now?
-She really does.
-She'll be fine.
She just needs some time.
You know what the best part
of moving out is?
-What?
-You can't steal my clothes anymore.
Nothing's stopping me
from coming over and borrowing them.
You have a really, really nice house,
and the food is pretty good too.
Thanks.
Although I can't wait to see
what kind of fancy place Dr. Maryam
and Brad Damon get once they graduate
from Harvard med school.
Yeah.
-What?
-I got my MCAT scores.
And?
-That's great!
-Right?
-It is.
Unless you wanna get into Harvard,
then it's just okay.
Whatever. There are a ton
of great schools out there.
If...
If Shahid gets into Harvard and I don't...
I'm thinking
of letting the medical career go.
-What?
-Just for a little while.
You mean in 20 years,
once you're done raising his kids?
Shahid gets me. We have the same goals.
Well, your goals are stupid.
You're going to med school.
-Sam.
-What?
You've worked your whole life for this.
I have to put family first.
That's bullshit.
Listen, nerd.
You can't spend your life
living for others.
You've gotta be able
to put yourself first when you need to.
You've got that covered.
-What?
-Nothing.
What did you say?
Sam, Maryam.
-You've got that covered.
-What's that supposed to mean?
Spit it out.
Spit it out, nerd.
Mom's right. You're just like Dad.
Look at you,
willing to sell out your family for a job
and an empty apartment.
I'm sorry that our family was
never good enough for you.
When I look at what you have
and if this is what I get for picking me,
I pick Shahid.
Fine. Go marry what's-his-face
so you can be divorced and pregnant at 22.
Well, it's better than being 30,
damaged and single.
Screw you, Maryam.
You know what? Mom doesn't want you
at the engagement and neither do I.
-Fine.
-Good.
Because you're not invited.
I guess I should be going also.
You know, when I was in Lahore,
I got my palm read.
And Auntie Ghazala said
I was destined to marry in America.
You know, I can read palms too.
-You can?
-Yeah.
Tell me what you see in mine.
Says you're gonna marry a man
in America, but he's not a doctor.
I'm really fond of you.
Gabriel, I'm marrying Dr. Jawad Shah.
I came here
just to give you my wedding invite.
I better be going now.
There. You look beautiful. See?
We want to see the bride.
So pretty.
Oh, thank you, Auntie. I'm not the bride.
Maryam's the bride.
Very nice.
-Beti, so pretty. Mashallah.
-Thank you.
Maryam, what are you learning
to cook for Shahid?
I have a great pulao recipe
I can give you.
Americans say the way to a man's heart
is through his stomach.
Also, I don't know anything about this,
but I do know
that you should keep it clean down there.
You just wax all the hairs.
Your husband will like it.
Chalo, let's go see what baji needs.
Dirty Auntie.
Okay. Khala wants us to get ready
for the engagement.
Ready?
Ready.
Nice?
Wonderful.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
Beautiful.
You look crazy good.
You might have run off
if you saw me five minutes ago.
Congratulations,
Mrs. Harvard doctor sahiba.
-Thank you.
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
-Photo.
I didn't get an interview at Harvard.
What?
Picture. Come, come, come.
Oh, sorry, sorry. Okay. Scooch.
Okay. Hang on.
-Thank you.
-We'll figure it out together.
May Allah protect you from the evil eye.
Let me see.
-Does that--?
-Oh, no, no. One more.
Does that mean you're going
to your Harvard interview?
Harvard has the best pedes program
in the country.
Chalo, let's do a family photo.
Come, let's have a family photo.
Ameera.
What about us?
The wedding?
We could postpone the wedding
for a couple of years
and maybe try
the whole long-distance thing?
Shahid, you first.
Maryam, if we do long-distance...
we're gonna be done.
Come.
I wanna be where you are, okay,
but if I can get in to Harvard...
I wanna go.
You're putting your career before me?
What's more important to you?
Here, beta.
Thank you.
Big family photo.
Come, come.
Everybody.
Oh, wait.
Hold hands.
Yeah.
Hey, you reached Sam. You know what to do.
Hey, Sam, it's me.
Mr. Smarts, what do you think
is making you so popular now,
especially with the younger voter?
I think the young people today are able
to see through crap.
Excuse my language, but I think they see
that our country is being overrun
by immigrants, Muslims, just bad people,
all preventing America
from being what it deserves to be.
I say, America first.
-Mr. Smarts!
-Mr. Smarts--
assh*le.
House salad. Caesar salad.
I'm really excited about being
in this restaurant.
-Heard the food here is delicious.
-The best. I come all the time.
Good evening.
I'll have top-shelf 18-year-old Scotch,
the lady will have water,
and we'll have the steak.
Make it bleed. Thank you.
-Very good, sir. I'll bring bread.
-No bread.
My cousin in Lahore had asthma once.
-She could not breathe.
-It's called a bronchospasm.
What type of films do you like to watch?
Any action flick.
I really like Eddie Murphy's
Coming to America. You like that film?
Not really my thing.
Are you excited
about the wedding dress tomorrow?
Sure.
Maryam is really excited about it.
Hey, listen,
I got a call from the hospital.
I'm gonna have to go in.
Now?
You finish up.
See you tomorrow.
And let's see.
-This? Yeah?
-Yes.
That it?
This is the best one.
Hey, Sam. We're meeting
at the bridal store Monday.
You should come. Okay. Bye.
Also, I'm sorry.
Okay? I shouldn't have said what I did.
You're not like Dad.
You're my big sister
and you've always looked out for me.
Even when it was hard or frustrating,
you were always there.
And I just wanted to say thank you
and I love you.
I wish you were here.
And I miss you, Sam. Mom misses you.
I'm coming.
Anyway, I hope to see you
at the bridal shop. Love you.
This is hard.
Maryam, you'll look great
in any of these dresses.
If I get into Harvard, I'm gonna go.
And I want us to work this out together.
This is from our new collection.
Designer's from Boston.
-That's nice.
-I don't like it.
You're thinking something
more traditional or maybe new style?
-New style.
-Traditional.
-Maybe we can try--
-Listen.
You can't have both people be aggressive
about their careers.
One person has to make a sacrifice.
You can't expect me to do that, Shahid.
This isn't the Dark Ages.
I'll let you guys discuss the clothes.
I'm not giving up med school.
I'm not asking you to give it up.
Just don't go so far away.
But it's the best program out there.
I want my wife to have me
and my family as her first priority.
I have to go.
Hey, Shahid.
What's with him?
Okay. It's only been a week.
I'm really sorry too.
Shahid didn't get an interview
for Harvard.
He doesn't want me to go.
What do you wanna do?
He's the only one
who's ever showed me any interest.
You don't need to marry
the first guy who shows interest in you.
You look so good!
You're looking like Katrina Kaif. No?
Too, too good.
-She looks amazing.
-Yeah.
Hey. What's wrong?
I'm just happy.
Ameera, look at me.
Do you love him?
If you don't love him, don't marry him.
But what will Khala say?
What will everyone say?
-Ameera, we need to go right now.
-This is your life.
-You do what's best for you.
-Mom will understand.
I'm sorry. I can't do this.
What?
Where are you going with my dress?
-Ameera!
-Stop!
Where are you going?
-Stop! Ameera!
-Ameera!
Stop!
-Ameera!
-Stop!
-Ameera!
-Ameera, wait!
Ameera!
-Ameera!
-Ameera!
-Ameera!
-Ameera!
-Ameera!
-Ameera!
I would like a mango lassi, please.
I was here first, you know.
I'm really, really fond of you too.
What kind of people are these?
I'm standing in line, you know.
Gabriel.
Aren't you supposed to be getting married?
He's not my king-to-be. You are.
Marry me?
Just do it. Take a chance.
What did you ask me?
Gabriel Abdulla, would you do the honor
of being the husband of my house?
And I would like
that mango lassi too, please.
Okay.
Okay to the mango lassi,
or okay to marrying me?
Both. Okay to both.
This is better than a Hindi movie.
...and how you use technology
to boost your popularity.
Look, Ken,
I'm just a simple son of a farmer.
I don't know anything about social media.
That's for sure.
If people like me,
it's because they like my message.
America is for real Americans.
And how do you define real Americans?
Apple pie-eating,
white Anglo-Saxon Protestant.
-Some people may not like that news...
-g*dd*mn it!
...but it's the truth.
Conference room in five. Just come up
with your best idea to spin this.
Will do.
-Come on.
-"Backbone of the country."
No! Did you hear what he said?
For God's sakes, it's completely r*cist...
-Yeah, what do you got?
-Question.
All right, yes. What?
Is there any way you'd consider
dropping Smarts as a client?
Dropping Smarts? No.
Then I have to quit.
Oh, Sam.
Sam-- No, this is the worst possible--
It's not worth it.
Sam...
I know.
Besides, I learned what I came here for.
What is that?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Good luck, Sam.
You too, Jim.
I think we both said
some things we didn't mean.
I'm sorry.
Do it harder on the right side.
After you went, everything went crazy.
Jawad's mother phoned,
they want to call off the wedding.
They said Ameera is already
in a relationship.
I asked Ameera, and she said it's true.
-She wants to marry a Black--
-Mom!
-And he's not even a doctor.
-You can't say things like that.
Why can't I say it?
Because it's r*cist. And you're brown.
I'm not brown.
I'm not expecting anyone.
Assalamu alaikum, Auntie.
I got you a DVD
of your favorite Pakistani soap operas.
Just--
I'll-- I'll just leave it right here.
Do you think you can buy your way
into my heart, Jibreal?
Me and Ameera love each other.
I married for love.
So you understand.
He left me with two daughters
and ran off with another woman.
Your people and my people
have nothing in common.
Ameera...
is kind.
She's a generous person,
and she cares about her family.
Those are the exact same values
that my parents taught me.
Is that a ta'wiz?
Yeah.
-Where did you get that?
-From the baba on Baxter Avenue.
-Keeps the evil eye away.
-Evil eye away.
Who told you that?
I grew up on Baxter Avenue.
My parents used to go to him
when they were still alive.
That baba was our neighbor.
Our first apartment was on Baxter Avenue.
I know that baba very well.
I still go to him.
The same.
Sameem! Maryam! Ameera!
Next Saturday is the wedding.
But, Jibreal, I expect it
to be a full Pakistani-style wedding.
Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.
But you hurt her and I will cut it off.
You understand?
Good. Now you learn to speak proper Urdu.
Maryam, go get some mithai
from the fridge.
So...
how much are you making?
Head down.
No smiling.
Save some tears for later.
In my time,
brides used to like to wear red,
but these days,
these girls have their own ideas.
Times are changing, baji.
Maybe their ideas are not so bad.
Khala finally agrees.
It's really happening.
For you, nerd.
What for?
Whatever you decide to do,
I'll back you up.
Just make sure you're doing it for you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Don't start crying. Let's go.
Oh, mankind, we've made you
from a single pair of male and female,
and made you into nations and tribes,
so that you may know each other.
I now present to you
Mr. and Mrs. Ameera and Gabriel Abdulla.
You're amazing.
But I'm not giving up med school.
-You don't mean that.
-No, I do.
You're gonna make some girl
very happy one day.
-Be careful. Be careful.
-Look at her.
Maryam, let's go! We're waiting for you.
-Sit, sit, sit. More.
-Okay. Salad.
Did you want one?
Can I have the jackfruit?
-Babe, I love it.
-Love.
-Have that.
-Oh, man.
-I'd like to make a toast.
-What is this toast shoast?
To Maryam, for finishing
her first year of med school.
And to Ameera,
for completing her teaching certificate.
To Sam and Zane, on their engagement.
And to Sam's new company.
I would also like to make a toast.
To my brand-new "Amreecan" family.
-Yeah!
-Hey!
-Hey!
-Eat. Everyone eat now.
Right on. I'll grub. I'm in.
Look at-- Look at it.