Excuse me? Yeah?
Would you mind switching places?
Matter of fact, I would.
Well, I'm waiting on somebody
and I need to see the entrance.
Man: I don't figure he'll leave
without finding you.
That's not the point.
What, do you got a thing
about having to spot him first?
No, no, I would just appreciate it
if we could just switch places.
Well, I'd love to
accommodate you, but I can't.
Okay, look, I'm a cop.
This is a stakeout.
No way.
Way.
Well, paper covers rock.
Nick bailley, Miami major crimes.
Sergeant St. John, palm beach homicide.
Now the formalities are out of the way
move so I can see the entrance.
Just tell me what he looks like.
Interfering with an officer
in the performance of duty?
You know, if you
apologize, I'll let that slide.
Hold it right there, apache!
Thanks for helping me get my guy.
Yeah, now take your hands off my prisoner.
No, no, no, no, I'm bringing him in.
Oh, no, no, I'm taking him in!
We're conducting a homicide investigation
and apache is a key witness.
We got a trial going on in Miami now
and Mr. Apache can tell
us where our key witness is.
That's fine, when we're done
with our interrogation...
No, no, me first.
I got a bigger clock on me.
You got the bigger mouth
on you, is what you got.
Call Jerry krebs in Miami. He's my boss.
Maybe he can explain things.
I know Jerry krebs longer
than you been toilet-trained
and he couldn't explain how to boil water.
I'll send him your regards.
Harry, this is such a waste of time.
How about we just throw him out?
How about some professional courtesy here?
Hey, hey, when we see
a little professionalism
we'll extend it.
Excuse me, I'm looking
for, uh, missing persons?
Uh, excuse me, we're
having a discussion here?
Okay, can I just get, uh,
directions, Mr. Lip... schitz?
Hey, don't look at me, pal.
This is my first time here.
It's out the door down
the hall to the right.
Thank you, ma'am, you're very kind.
Okay, look, we're all
reasonable people here.
There's only one
logical way to settle this.
Let's flip for it.
Hey.
Who are you?
The name's Stanley.
You a cop?
You know a Joey pants?
Joey who?
Oh, boy.
Joseph pantangelo.
Joey pants.
Never heard of him.
Ah.
Hey, hey, what... what's with that?
Let's talk about Joey pants.
I told you, I never...
See, I know that you can
help me find my pal Joey.
You sell that, uh...
Powdered rhinoceros horn?
I run a Chinese herb shop.
We sell a lot of exotic things.
Joey loves his rhino horn powder.
Thinks it will guarantee he
can perform well with the ladies
and you happen to be
the one guy in palm beach
who sells rhino horn powder.
So, I know you know
how to get to my pal Joey.
Ooh!
Look, if I give him up
I'm in a lot of trouble.
Well, the way I see it
you're already in a lot of trouble.
So, the question you got to ask
yourself is, uh
which trouble is going to hurt you less
answering me, or, uh...
Ooh!
Whoa, hey, hey, look at that!
Oh, yeah, hold still.
Hey, captain
if you want to mess up
relations with my department
go ahead, be my guest.
You know, the time we spent arguing here
we could have gotten what we
needed and been out of there.
There's a principle here.
You know what the principle is?
You're all a bunch of
unprofessional screw-ups.
All right, already!
Cassy, Tom, how long do you need?
Fifteen.
Ten? We can do it in ten.
Look, thanks for your cooperation.
Maybe I'll see you in Miami sometime.
If it's all the same to you,
I think I'll just wait outside.
He and krebs deserve each other.
I think he's cute.
You're twisted.
Go, interrogate.
The quicker you're done
the quicker he's out of our hair.
Go! Go! Yes, go.
Did you get what we need?
Absolutely.
Good work, partner.
Any luck?
Tom: As far as our m*rder goes
he wasn't any help.
He wasn't in town when it happened.
He said some guy came
in before we did, scared him
and threatened to put electrical
clamps in unpleasant places.
Tom: We went outside to get Mr. Miami
and he wasn't there.
It was his partner.
Whose partner?
Lipschitz: Bailley's!
Major crimes doesn't let guys work alone.
It was that goofy-looking guy
who wandered in here with the paper bag.
So, we find the two of them
and bust them for obstruction.
No rush.
We will run into them again
and when we do
we will show them exactly what
professional courtesy means.
Where were you?
I was just talking to Rebecca.
And how is Rebecca?
Fine.
You know, a little lonely.
Stanley, you been gone one night.
So? She missed me.
There's been no change in the relationship?
Like how?
Like you haven't nailed her yet.
For the umpteenth time, okay?
None of your business!
You've been engaged for what, three months?
During which time you've had no sex.
She's a good catholic girl, Nicky, okay?
She wants to wait until our wedding night.
I respect that.
Fine, I respect that, too
but we're not altar boys anymore.
Plus, it backs up and clogs your pipes.
It's like fat in your arteries.
It's just not healthy, Stanley.
You know what? I appreciate
your concern, I feel fine.
So do most guys before a heart attack.
All I'm saying is you should just, you know
relieve the strain.
Don't start with me, okay?
Just take a look over there.
Come on, would you just look?
Relief, my man.
The age-old cure for stress, strain
and anything else that ails you.
I told you...
Come on, see what they're telling us
by the way they eat.
Now, you see the one in the red suit?
See how she's just shoveling it in?
What does that tell you?
What?
What? She's hungry.
That's what that tells me.
She's voracious!
She can't get enough.
She's going to keep you
up all day and all night.
Don't go after that
unless you're in condition.
I don't want someone like that at all.
Okay, fine, check out
the one in the blue suit.
See how she's just picking at her food?
A nibble here, a nibble there, what
does that tell you?
She was raised by rabbits.
She's going to tease you.
Take forever to let you reach nirvana.
Make you crazy in the process.
Now, the third one, check her out.
Look.
Stanley: She's not eating at all.
Which... which I guess tells us, yes!
She's not hungry!
Stanley, Stanley, you
are totally without hope.
She's on a diet!
Oh, come on, she's not fat.
Right, but she thinks she is.
Has a bad self-image, low self-esteem.
She's going to go nuts
for the first man to
show her a little attention.
Now, which one you going to make
the move on?
I told you, none of them! I'm fine!
I know, Rebecca.
But if you were going to
do something, which one?
Stanley: Probably the last one.
Take turns being grateful to each other.
Good choice.
Where you going?
Hey, man, you do the research
you got to check out the results, right?
Be right back.
Let's go meet apache.
All your research was wrong, right?
No, no, it's just time to go.
Not before you tell me what they said.
Nothing.
No, no, no, come on.
They dumped you, right?
Right.
They're married, right?
In a manner of speaking.
I don't... I don't follow.
They're nuns, Stanley.
I just hit on three nuns.
Oh... oh!
You're going to burn in hell, man.
God's probably going to take me, too
because I'm your... partner.
You're sure apache said
Absolutely. Said Joey pants
was calling him at :
telling him where to meet.
What if he was lying?
Trust me, Nicky, he wasn't lying.
What time you got?
Five to :.
Let's pick it.
Excuse me.
Uh, I beg your pardon?
Uh, they're closed.
I was told they were open till :.
Oh, did you have an appointment?
Why would I need an
appointment to buy Chinese herbs?
Were you meeting someone in particular?
And you are?
Nick bailley.
This is Stanley Bronson.
Hello.
And you are?
Alex.
So, uh...
Alex, do you buy here often?
Uh, no, I found it in the yellow pages.
Is your friend...?
Yeah, he is.
You know, I'm not usually this impulsive
but I was wondering
would you have dinner with me sometime?
Nicky.
Think about it; We'll be right back.
Hey, Stanley
take a look at this.
Nicky: Better call
palm beach P.D.
Boy, this ought to endear them to us.
Alex: Hello?
I'm sorry, I'm a police officer.
Stanley's my partner.
We're making an
investigation of the premises.
Is somebody hurt?
Yeah. Very.
Are you with the palm beach
police department?
Miami. But they're fans of ours here.
Listen, there's no need
for you to stick around.
But I'll have some questions for you later
so give me a number where I can reach you.
Questions about what?
Who you might have seen
just before you got here.
I just got here.
It's police procedure.
I... let me just call you later.
I'm staying at the grand palms, room .
Great. I'll call you tonight.
Maybe we can do this over dinner?
Do you have a car?
Yes, I do.
Great.
Grand palms, room , I'll call you.
Nicky.
Take a look here.
What have you got?
Joey p., two orders rhino horn
and a phone number.
I love a guy who keeps good records.
What's the number?
Yeah, Joey pantangelo, please.
This is Nick calling.
Uh, Mr. Apache told me to call him.
Oh, oh, he didn't tell you?
Oh, no, he got delayed.
Yeah, he told us to bring you two orders
of powdered rhino horn.
Yeah, sure, we can bring it wherever.
Lookout point, sure.
Seven o'clock.
Uh, we'll be in a red Taurus.
See you then.
Hold it right there!
Lipschitz: You realize you just
set some kind of record
for screwing up a m*rder scene?
We were very careful moving stuff.
You weren't supposed
to move anything!
Nicky: The guy's
got a . caliber popped behind his ear.
It's a pro hit.
Which means you aren't going
to find anything, no footprints
no fingerprints, no nothing.
We do the investigating.
We draw the conclusion.
We will not be preempted
by a bunch of out-of-town cowboys!
That was never
our intention, trust me.
Oh, sure, trust you.
Of course! 'Cause we built up
so much trust over the past hours.
Now, what the hell's going on?
Vinnie the tuna...
And, uh, Joey pants...
Lipschitz: Vinnie I know.
Who's this Joey...?
Pants. That's his bookkeeper.
Nicky: Joey was supposed
to testify against Vinnie.
Joey decides to split.
We're told to bring him back.
Which apache was arranging.
Only he shows up dead.
And the trial's going to be over
day after tomorrow.
No Joey, Vinnie walks.
And our boss is mightily pissed.
You now know everything.
Why does Vinnie have somebody whack apache?
That's a good question.
And where is Joey now?
Nicky: Good question, too.
Lipschitz: Hey, hey!
If I want reviews
I'll ask siskel and ebert.
We don't know where he is, right, Stanley?
Right.
Good. When you find
out, you'll let me know.
Right. Right.
Good.
Hiya, Joey.
Who the hell are you?
Apache.
Rhino horn.
How the hell do you know who I am?
Whatever you got there
I hope it's a sandwich.
'Cause I'll make you eat it.
Yeah, spare me the late show dialogue.
Okay, how's this? You're under arrest.
We're taking you back to Miami.
Oh, man, I'll get apache for this.
Stanley: Too late.
He's dead?
Gone to that big rhino powder factory
in the sky.
So Vinnie the tuna knows you're here.
So you better put your ass in our hands.
Figuratively speaking.
Okay, I'll go back with you.
Good thinking.
Day after tomorrow.
You're testifying tomorrow.
Yeah. Right after which the
witness protection program
ships me off to ugly butt, Montana
where I get to spend the
rest of my life with no beach
and no beautiful broads.
I plan on spending my last
few days in the real world.
Yeah, well, it doesn't seem to us
like you got much of a choice, Joey.
Okay, take me back.
Watch me develop the worst case
of memory loss you ever saw.
Don't tell me about choices, dip-stick.
"Dip-stick"? Apparently I'm not
the only one watching
the late show.
All right. One day.
One day, two nights.
Do you believe this guy?
All right, you got it.
Joey: Meantime,
you watch my back
with this Vinnie.
Uh-huh. But you try anything
and Vinnie's going to look like
a safe house compared
to what we'll do to you.
Yeah. Can I have my g*n?
No, you can't have your g*n.
I paid for it, it's my g*n!
Ah! Thanks for the gift, Joey.
Hey, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Oh, absolutely, Rebecca.
Oh, yeah.
Day after tomorrow.
Sweetheart, I miss you.
Yeah, I'll call you back
right after we get back from dinner?
Alex, I can afford it.
Yeah, Miami P.D.'s
very big with the per diem.
Okay, fine. See you then.
Don't wait up for me.
I think I'm going to get lucky tonight.
What about Joey?
What about him?
Feed him, get him to
bed, watch a cable movie.
Where am I supposed to take him?
I don't know, find some dive.
We got to take it easy on the per diem.
Ah! 'Cause you're spending it all?
Hey, it's for a worthy cause.
Hey!
Enough already with the shower, huh?
The rest of us
would like to practice
personal hygiene, too.
What are you smiling at?
I feel like the luckiest man in the room.
I get the feeling that's
usually your opening line.
Am I right?
Okay, I'm nailed.
I thought you wanted to question me.
I do. Want to look at the menu first?
Okay.
What looks good to you?
Something light, delicate... blonde.
Isn't that your partner?
Yeah.
Would you excuse me for a minute?
Sure. I have to go to the restroom anyway.
Nick!
I said take him to a dive.
Why the hell should I go to a dive?
Zagat's gave this place a .
How nice for zagat's.
Is it "za-gats" or "zay-gats"?
Would you guys finish
your drinks and leave?!
What's the difference?
I'm sitting there
with the most beautiful woman on the planet
and I don't need this clown
waving to me.
Well, I ain't going nowhere.
Not with food like that within reach.
Man: sh**t!
Stay here with Joey.
I can't.
He's gone.
Yeah, he's not in the kitchen.
This is not the way to impress someone
on your first date.
Why don't you mope in the car
before the locals get here.
Nicky!
Alex!
Are you all right?
Yeah. Some jerk hit me on the head
on my way to the bathroom.
He had a g*n. Was he with you?
Not exactly.
Did you get a look at him?
Sort of.
Stanley, get the car.
Look, I am so sorry.
I think we should go someplace private
so I can get a detailed description
of your assailant.
Do you ever quit?
Alex, I'm a professional, I never quit.
I can walk you to your room.
I'll be fine. Thanks.
Ah, you missed.
That one was all net.
I'll call you in the morning.
You never know
something new may come back to you.
Okay.
Good night.
What?
Where would Joey go?
He said he wanted to have some fun.
Right.
Which means?
Girls. Girls.
Naked girls. Naked girls.
Nicky, can all women do that?
The ones I date, yes, they can.
You know...
I never thought I'd see the day
when all women's
breasts began to look alike.
What did the bartender say?
Oh, he says all the great hookers
hang out at the grand palms.
You ever stop thinking about sex?
Not for me, for Joey.
Come on, let's go.
See, I can't see Rebecca doing that.
Joey: So, ever since then
we call him Johnny cocktails.
I got to make a call. Be right back.
Hey, Joey! Stanley!
I was wondering where you guys were.
What luck we happened to come in here.
Just what I was thinking.
Why do you make us run all over town
looking for you?
I thought we agreed this is where we meet
if anything went wrong.
We never said that.
My memory must be failing, too.
Hey, I got a good idea, Nicky.
We let the sh**t off Joey
charge Vinnie the tuna with m*rder.
That's a bad idea, guys.
You got a better one?
Yeah. Take a few of these ladies
get a room, a little party...
Whoo! Huh?
Quit thinking, Joey.
Why are those women following us, Joey?
'Cause I paid them.
Lock him in the trunk, Stanley.
In the trunk?!
Yeah, the trunk.
Alex.
What are you doing here?
I couldn't sleep.
And I was hungry.
Obviously you had the same problem.
No, Stanley and I were
finishing up some business.
What? Negotiating price?
Alex.
Would I jeopardize my relationship with you
for a couple of hookers?
We don't have a relationship.
A point I'm desperately
trying to correct.
Why don't you have breakfast
with me?
Please?
Well...
I do need to eat.
Come on.
So, after I graduated I went to New York
starved for a few years
then I went back to grad school.
Well, I find it hard to believe
you weren't the best
actor New York ever saw.
How would you know?
You've never seen me perform.
Right now you're acting as if you like me.
Maybe I'm not acting.
Really?
Bailley.
Tom: Tom Ryan, regarding
a description you phoned in
after the sh**ting.
Found your hitter.
No I.D. on the victim.
He's about , six foot two.
Looks like he could bench-press
his own weight.
Is this the man who assaulted you?
Yeah, it is.
Alex: I don't feel
so well.
Let's get you some air.
So somebody pops the hitter
because they missed the target?
Vinnie the tuna isn't
known for his tolerance.
Well, if he was the best
why not give the guy
another chance to hit Joey?
Cassy: He figures that
with a miss
and the trial set for tomorrow
there's no time.
So he cleans up and he closes the contract.
Something's not reading right here.
You're Vinnie, you want Joey gone.
Would you hire someone you knew
or contract out of state?
Well, I'd hire somebody I knew
somebody I could rely on.
So why is this guy so white?
Yeah, no tan line.
You know anybody who lives in Miami
who doesn't have even a slight tan?
You run an I.D. on this guy.
I bet he's from the northern midwest.
I don't think this is the real k*ller.
Okay, uh...
All right, I, uh...
I see your one and I... call?
Hey!
Hey, all right.
Crowns over deuces.
It's impossible to play
without winning a single hand, right?
No, it's not. Again?
Yeah.
Tell me how you do it.
Numbers are easy for me.
I got a good memory... when I want to.
This memory of Vinnie
the tuna's books is why
the D.A. wants me to testify
although right now
everything's a little hazy.
It's a little overcast, but not hazy.
Fine, make light, but if we
don't go out for some fun
I don't remember
anything since I was eight.
No, no, no, Joey...
No, no, don't "Joey" me.
I want to go someplace
where there's a lot of food
a lot of music and a lot of broads
and I want to go right now.
All right.
All right, we do this for you and, uh
no more faulty memory?
Nope.
Let's rock.
You're basing all this on the fact
that Rebecca hasn't called me?
Stanley, the mere fact
that you and she haven't
been intimate is a sign.
That we weren't meant for each other?
Why does she say no?
We've been over this.
What if there's another guy?
Or a girl?
Shut up.
Look, I'm not going to
let you bait me again.
We've known each other since we were five.
Would I ever bait you?
Just because I don't...
Man: Why won't you listen?!
Are you going to listen to me?!
Listen to me!
What are you, stupid?
You guys finish up.
I'll meet you at the checkout.
Nicky, come on.
Man: Are you going to listen?!
Joey, you're Italian.
What kind of pasta do you recommend?
Just wait till I get you home, huh?!
Excuse me, sir.
You shop here often?
What's this about?
I was wondering if you
could help me over here.
Will you be all right by
yourself for a minute?
It's right over here, come on.
Look, would you mind telling me...
Hey! What the hell...?!
How does this feel, huh?
What's your excuse?
What could it possibly
be for hitting a child?
You were abused, so it's okay to abuse him?
You got no right...
No right?
What rights does your son have?
How does this feel, huh?
Tell me how it makes you feel.
Huh? Huh?
You were hitting a child.
A child.
Don't ever do it again.
Ever.
Now get over there and fix it.
Both: Three, four,
I declare thumb w*r.
Five, six, seven, eight, you are...
What is it?
Danny...
Danny, I am...
I am so sorry I hit you, son.
It's okay, Danny.
Isn't it?
Danny, I am so sorry.
Just remember how it feels.
Penne. I love penne.
Did you pick this out?
Ah... was our Joey misbehaving?
I told him not to run in the store.
Either of you two remember
where we parked the car?
I don't remember anything.
You don't want to remember
anything, that's fine, Joey.
But the next hit may take us
out and that is definitely not fine.
Whoa, whoa... what's this next hit?
You told me the sh**t was dead.
No, we said a sh**t was dead.
Whoever hit him might
still be looking for you.
Well, then, you guys find this guy
while I go out and have some fun
and then we'll go back to Miami.
He's got a point.
What do we do with him in the meantime?
Okay, I'll baby-sit him.
You two guys find the hitter.
We owe you, captain.
It's okay...
I got some questions for him.
What are you going to do?
Well, besides our captain
the only other person who
knows we have Joey is the D.A.
Vinnie's got to have a source inside.
We tell the D.A. where
Joey's supposedly staying
and see who comes to visit.
Nicky: If there's no hitter
we'll get Joey, bring him to Miami.
Okay... stay in touch.
I don't remember for them,
I don't remember for you.
Joey... you, uh... you good at cards?
So I'm told.
What do you say we play a little gin?
I win, you cut the crap and you testify.
You win, I deliver you
to some of the hottest babes in palm beach.
Yeah. Been there, done that
with beavis and butt-head out there.
As god is my witness...
The place I'm thinking about
all the women are single, available
and hungry... isn't that
what you're looking for?
One game to a hundred.
Cut for deal.
Anything?
Nothing.
Any less action, this place
is going to go out of business.
Yeah?
Oh... hi, Rebecca.
Hey...
Yeah...
What?
But I thought that...
But I, I...
What's wrong?
That was, um... Rebecca
and, uh...
She just dumped me.
Sorry, buddy.
You cops are all alike.
I won.
You promised me babes.
And I delivered.
This is bull.
Joey, what does Vinnie do?
He's a gangster, he does a lot of things.
How much of his income
is from selling dr*gs?
.%, net-net.
Who does he sell them to?
Whoever wants them.
Now who's talking bull?
Kids, all right?
Mostly kids.
Take a look at them, Joey.
Do they deserve it?
Come on, man, we got to talk about it.
Ah, there's nothing to talk about.
You got all this pain inside you.
You got to let it out.
Yeah, you know, I'm going to...
I'm going to hold on to that pain.
It's kind of all I have left.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Alex.
A heart-to-heart?
I'd need Stanley to cover for me.
I don't know if he can right now.
No, go ahead.
You sure?
Yeah, I'm fine.
All right, Alex, I'll meet you there.
Right.
So, why not come back to Miami?
I meet a guy I think I really like
and I get shot at.
I see him again, and
he's cruising for hookers.
And in between, I get
assaulted and see a dead guy.
Sometimes great relationships
get off to a shaky start.
Nicky...
You move at a speed that I don't.
So, this is the good-bye,
good luck, whatever part.
Oh, come on, Alex.
Give it one more chance.
I don't think so.
We got to go.
Lipschitz got Joey to go
back to Miami right now.
Uh, can I give you a ride somewhere?
No, I've got my car.
You missed.
No, I didn't.
It wasn't meant to be.
Come on, come on, come on.
Let's go. Sorry.
Come on.
You actually beat him in cards?
Got to admit, I'm a shameless cheat.
Well, we owe you, captain.
Frannie and I
get down to Miami once in a while.
Buy us a dinner.
Joey: Right, I'll do the same.
If you ever make it to ugly butt, Montana.
Don't hold your breath
on that one, Joey.
sh**t!
Come on!
See who it was?
No.
Come out, hands up, or
you're one dead puppy.
Alex?
I can't believe I get
taken down by a clown act.
That will start setting in
during your arraignment.
So your dumping me, I mean...
It wasn't like there was
something wrong with me or anything?
You got the time?
It's about :.
No... I mean...
You got the time to come play with me?
And who is me?
Sabrina.
Sabrina?
Well, Sabrina, actually
I'm waiting for a guy.
Oh... wow, I'm sorry.
I thought you were straight.
No, no...
I am, I am.
This guy's my partner.
He'll be back in a second.
Well, I just got to go get my stuff.
Should I swing back this way?
Definitely.
Still making new friends?
What did you get?
Chili burgers, extra
chili, mustard and pickles.
No onions, right?
No onions.
Mm...
Mm-mm...
How's yours?
Unbelievable.
I bet you can't get anything
like this in palm beach.
Yeah, count on that.
Got any extra napkins?
Use them carefully.
This is the last of them.
Right.
Where is it?
Inside coat pocket.
Where else would I put it?
Dashboard.
You think you can get it?
I can try.
No, you'll ruin the suit.
What are you, crazy?
Fine.
You could pull it out by the antenna.
With what?
Your teeth.
Come on, try it.
Just try it.
Oh, man...
What?
I said it would be easier
just to pay the cleaning bill.
No, the stains will never come out.
Liar!