Platinum Blonde (1931)

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, well that's all I ever get from
you guys, a lot of hard luck stories.

Now you come back here
and I'll give you an assignment.

It'll be your last
interview, with the cashier.

Stew. Stew Smith, Stew...

Oh Mr. Conroy, give me a crack
at that Schuyler story, will you?

You? If you ever get your foot into a
drawing room, you'd step on a sliding rug.

Stew is the only man got
brains enough to handle this, scram.

- Hey you boy, you find Stew?
- Not yet.

- Well, if you look in the...
- First place I looked.

Not there, eh?

Well, for crying out loud where
is that guy? Go and dig him up.

Stew, Stew Smith.

There it is, pray
for me Gallagher, pray for me.

Hold everything.

Stew, your hands are
shaking, you've been drinking again.

Come on, come on, here it comes Gallagher.

- Stew, Stew Smith.
- Boss is getting hoarse.

And the third one.

If I don't make that last one,

it's a sob sister that I know
it's going to get a kick right in the...

Whoa, almost had that.

Oh Stew, Stew Smith, Stew...

- What?
- The screen?

Here it comes Gallagher, I made it.

Come over here.

Look, I quit.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- You're always picking on me.

And it took me three hours to get those...

gadgets in those holes and you
screw it up in a minute. Here, look.

- Not as easy as it looks, is it?
- No wonder you're batty.

Would it be imposing too much upon
you if I ask you to do a little work today?

Just to sort of break the monotony?

- With me, you can always do business.
- You know what to do in a drawing room?

Isn't question knowing what to do,
It's knowing to get in one that counts.

Yeah, yeah. Ok. Ok. Now listen, we got a tip.

The Schuyler family had finally
made a deal with that chorus dame.

- Gloria Golden?
- Yeah, little Gloria.

The human cash register.
Got her hooks in the Schuyler kid, eh?

Right, for the first time this year.

- Well, it's only April.
- Oh, come on, get going, get going.

Get going where, I can write that
story without stepping out of the office.

Yeah and can get us
into a million dollar libel suit.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Now you get over
there and get a statement out of...

the old lady, the sister
or the kid, any of them but get it.

Alright, give me a voucher for the expenses.

- What expenses?
- Well...

All you need is carfare to Long Island.

And you better get a
shave and a shine because you...-

you're going to have a
tough time getting in there as it is.

Yeah, I know those blue noses.

Their ancestors refused
to come over on the Mayflower...

because they didn't want to rub elbows
with the tourists, so they swam over.

Dexter Grayson, if you're any kind
of lawyer you'll get those letters back.

But I keep telling you
how difficult it is Mrs. Schuyler.

The last time I asked her for those letters
she made very uncouth noises with her mouth.

I don't know why you're making
all this fuss, I only sent her six of them.

If you had to make a fool of yourself, why
didn't you tell it to her instead of writing?

- Because I couldn't get her on the phone.
- Imbecile.

You should've known better than to write
Romeo, I found that out a long time ago.

I should say you had,
at the rate you two are going...

we'll have to leave
the country to save our faces.

Splendid mother, let's hop over to Monte
Carlo, it's a great place to save a face.

Oh, shut up, what is it Smythe?

Pardon me madam but what
am I to say to the newspapermen?

Dexter, go out and tell
those ruffians I have nothing to say.

You can't do that.

Leave it to me,
I know how to handle reporters.

- Alright then, get it over with.
- We decided to see the reporters.

- Send in the man from the Tribune first.
- Very good sir.

Smythe, some
bicarbonate of soda, double strength.

- I know those news mongers will upset me.
- I anticipated it madam.

The bicarbonate is ready.

Hey Bingy, you find
the silverware in the dining room.

Much obliged.

Mr. Grayson has decided to see you.

- The gentlemen from the Tribune first.
- There no gentlemen on the Tribune.

I understand sir.

Hey, take it easy, take it easy.

Oh, listen my boy,
no use you hanging around here.

Just buy a copy of the Tribune, read it over,
then make

a rewrite and can
use it for your last edition.

Never make the last edition, take me four
hours to translate your story into English.

- Oh, is that so?
- I'm afraid.

Take off your hat,
you might make an impression.

Impossible, put it on again.

Hey, make up your mind, will you?

Hiya folks.

What's the matter?
Ain't there a bless you in the crowd?

- You're the Tribune man?
- Yeah. Hello, how are you?

- Fine, have a seat.
- Thanks, I will.

This way.

O boy.

- Fine newspaper, the Tribune.
- Well, I should say.

- I knew your managing editor well.
- Is that so?

Yale, 21, I believe.

- Eh?
- We were classmates.

What's the matter? She got a cold?

I got him his job on the paper.
I'm a stockholder, you know?

- Oh, is that so?
- One Tribune man to another.

Yeah.

But right now I'm acting in the
capacity of Mrs. Schuyler's attorney.

Oh, that's all right with me.
I won't hold that against you.

- But I'm over here to find out about...
- I know, I know.

But there's no truth in the story whatsoever.

Oh, yeah?

However, I've taken the trouble to
prepare a little statement, here it is.

Here.

- So you see how silly that rumor is.
- Why, sure. It's all a lot of hooey.

That's what I wanted to say,
but I couldn't think of it.

- Thank you very much.
- Alright, alright, don't mention it.

- Give my regards to your managing editor.
- I certainly will.

Well, so long folks.

Bless you.

- Bless you.
- Thanks.

So long baby.

- Smythe, bring in the other reporter.
- Yes sir.

Schuyler is the name, I presume?

Yes, thank you, thank you.
My name is Smith Stewart Smith.

No relation to John Joe, Trade or Mark.

Of course, you can't have everything.

Nice set of Conrads you
have out there Mrs. Schuyler, I...

was just glancing through this one.

What, what's Michael tearing the paper about?

Just a habit.

Mr. Schuyler is a bit put out
by all these rumors going around.

Rumors? Rumors?

Since when is a breach
of promise case a rumor?

No breach of promise case is been filed.
The matter is been settled out of court.

Oh, I see.

Gloria isn't exactly
satisfied with the 20,000 dollars.

Dexter Grayson, you
told me it was only 10,000...

and you didn't even get
those letters from that Jezebel.

So you did give her 10,000 dollars, eh?

And there are letters.

Well, well, that takes it out
of the rumor class, doesn't it?

We admit nothing.

However, I've
a little statement all prepared.

- A statement? Good.
- I have it right here.

Good.

50 bucks, eh?

Don't you know you should never offer
a newspaperman more than two dollars?

If you do, he'll think it's counterfeit.

I don't need 50 dollars,
matter of fact, I haven't got 50 dollars.

The man from the Tribune
seems perfectly satisfied.

Who Bingy? Yeah.
Bingy would. He never saw $50 before.

You could have bought him for six bits.

Funny thing about Bingy,
the more he gets, the more he prints.

He looks stupid, doesn't he? But oh how smart
he gets when he bends over a typewriter.

So 10 grand was the
amount you gave the girl, eh?

Any other statement
you folks would like to make?

- That's not so.
- We've nothing more to say.

Don't get excited, nothing to worry about.

- A little publicity never hurt anybody.
- Dexter, have this person leave immediately.

- I think you better go.
- Go, eh?

Wait a minute, that's a great story.

Newspaper reporter was forcibly
ejected from the Schuyler mansion and...

Oh, wait a minute.

Don't mind Mother.

- I don't mind her, you don't.
- Anne?

I'm sure you're quite
willing to be decent about this.

Decent? Why,
Miss Schuyler I want to be noble.

You're not going to print
this silly thing, are you?

No? Why not?

Oh, because my name is
Schuyler too and I haven't done a thing,

But I'll have to suffer
with Michael and so will Mother.

Mother is suffering already.

As a special favor to me,
you won't print that story, will you?

Please?

You know something lady, if you sold life
insurance I'd go for a policy in 60 seconds.

Oh, thank you, I knew you'd understand.

- May I use your telephone?
- Certainly. Right over there.

You're all right.

Hello? Beekman 1300.

Beekman 1300.

Yeah, it's an unlucky
number, you know that, don't you?

Hello? Hello Toots,
is Conroy in? Let me have Conroy.

He isn't? Try the washroom, will you?

Say I interviewed the swell
guy the other day, Einstein, yeah.

Swell guy, a little eccentric but a swell...

Doesn't wear any garters.
Neither do I, as a matter of fact.

What good are garters after...? Hello?

Yeah Conroy, this is Smith
talking, I'm up at the Schuylers.

No, I'm not having tea.

That is, not yet. Is she beautiful?

Oh boss, her pictures don't do her justice.

If I were that guy Ziegfield, I...

Yeah? Oh, yes, yes, you can see
where her beauty comes from.

From her mother.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Keep
your shirt on, I'll come to that in a minute.

Yes, the Schuylers admit the story is true.

Right. Now, they gave the gal 10,000 bucks...

but she's got some letters and
she's holding out for more dough.

And it looks to me like she's going to
get it, right boss, I'll be right over.

Right. No, I don't think
I can get any pictures now.

Right.

I've met some rotters in my time but
without a doubt you're the lowest excuse...

for a man I've
ever had the misfortune to meet.

Well, if you feel that way about it,
here's your nickel for the phone call.

Oh. How are you Mr. Clark? Come right in.

- How are you?
- Fine.

And she walked up to me and put
her hand on my shoulder and said...

Mr. Smith, you wouldn't print that story,
would you? No. I wouldn't print it, read it.

Sure there's going to be poison
to that Junior Leaguer from now on.

Yeah, sure I hope not.
I got to call on her this morning.

- You what?
- Sure.

I must drop in and see the
wench, her wounds need soothing.

For the heaven's sake Stew,
are you completely bats, what for?

I thought that story was
cold, you can't go back there.

Sure, the story is cold,
but I'm not. I'm sizzling, look...

- Oh, came the dawn, came the dawn.
- And with it came love.

Oh Gallagher, you got to meet her, she's it.

- And that.
- And those and them.

Well, I've seen her pictures
and I don't think she's so hot.

Yeah, you don't appreciate her.
Pictures don't do her justice.

Oh Gallagher, she's queenly.
She is queenly and I know queens.

And oh, has she got
herself a nose and I know noses too.

That little schnozzle of
hers is the berries, I tell you.

And is it cute when she throws that
little schnozzle to the high heavens, pick.

Of course, I haven't got a nose.

Sure, sure, you got a nose Gallagher,
you got a nose but that's different.

Women are different Gallagher. You know,
like brewery horses and thoroughbreds.

Oh no Stew, I wouldn't be too hard on her.
I wouldn't call her a brewery horse.

Gallagher, she's the real McCoy.

- And the rest of us are truck horses.
- There you go, talking like a woman.

- Well?
- Well, you're my pal, aren't you?

And don't turn female on me.

Pay that check, will you Gallagher?
I'll give it back to you sometime, maybe.

I go, I go with Conrad, in quest of my youth.

Fry those tomatoes, will you Gallagher?

No, not, no, Jeeves.

Was that nice?
Was that being a gentleman Jeeves?

- Your name is Jeeves, isn't it?
- The name is Smythe.

Smythe? Well, well, well. Y, eh?

Congratulations for a
small world, brothers under livery.

- Now, as Smith to Smythe...
- Mrs. Schuyler is not at home.

Yeah, I know, I know,
I waited outside until she went out.

She's a nice lady, she's all right,
but we don't vibrate well together.

- No one is at home sir.
- Now Jeeves, would you call this no one?

What's wrong?

Mrs. Schuyler left orders
miss, that if this person came again...

- I was to call the police.
- That's a good idea.

Telephone the police, number is Spring 3100.

Get a couple of cops over so
we get a rubber of bridge, eh?

- You may go Smythe.
- But I...

Now, the lady said you may go.

What do you want?

Well I tell you, when I was here
yesterday, I had one of your books...

in my hand, when I got outside I
realized I still had your book in my hand.

So as long as I had your book...

in my hand I thought I might
as well take it home and read it.

This morning, I got up and put your book in
my hand and here's your book in your hand.

That's considerate of you.

Yeah, that's considerate
of me, I recommend you read that.

I'm not interested in
your literary recommendations.

Well, perhaps it
would be a little heavy for you.

You like something lighter, something with
a touch of romance, just listen to this.

Adorable Baby kins, does her miss her baby?

Him sends his booful little sweetums
a billion oceans full of kisses.

- Bobo is so lonely...
- Just a moment.

I don't see how that trash
can possibly concern me.

Yeah but you don't know who Bobo is
and you don't know who Baby kins is.

I'm not interested,
Smythe will open the door.

Smythe will open but
Bobo is your brother Michael...

and of course, nobody
would ever guess who Baby kins is.

Where did you get those letters?

I stole them when I was
interviewing Baby kins about Bobo.

- I suppose you're going to print them?
- No.

- Give you another guess.
- Oh, I don't need another guess.

- It's quite obvious.
- Oh, it's obvious, eh?

- Will you step into the library?
- Sure, I'll take a chance.

You know, the Indians used to walk like this
except the squaw always walked in the back.

You know why that was? That was
in case of an attack from the front.

Of course, if the attack was from the
rear, she had to depend upon her papoose.

Oh yes, papooses always
had bows and arrows and...

Of course, if she wasn't married
then she'd have to protect her own...

What country is this library in?

Miss Schuyler, how about
carfare back to the front door, eh?

- What the initials mister...
- Smith Stewart Smith.

My friends all call me Stew, is an injustice
too, because I hold my liquor all right.

Will 5000 be enough?

- For what?
- For the letters, of course.

You shouldn't do that Miss Schuyler.

That's all right for your lawyer friend.

You shouldn't go around
thinking you can buy people.

- There your letters.
- I don't know how to thank you.

Mother will be so grateful
she'll probably want to kiss you.

Your mother will want to kiss me?
Give me back my letters.

That's the breaks I get, it's the
mothers that are always grateful to me.

You're a peculiar person.

Why the other day, I pleaded with you
not to send in that story and...

I know but that was news, this is
blackmail and I don't like blackmail.

I won't even pretend you
haven't done me a great favor.

I wish there was
something I could do for you.

Well, you could make
this table a little a little less wide.

There is something
you can do for me Miss Schuyler.

I haven't had any lunch.
You got anything in the ice box?

Oh, you fool.

After years of
research, I finally discovered...

that I was the only guy in
the world who hadn't written a play.

So, believe it or not, in my
spare time I am now writing a play.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Haven't figured out the plot yet,
but it's laid in a Siberian Village.

- You're a bit eccentric, aren't you?
- Me?

- You don't wear garters.
- No.

No, that's just a symbol of my independence.

I know what's wrong, I'm color blind.
That's what's wrong, I'm color blind.

I've been sitting here for
a half hour looking at you...

and I don't know yet whether
your eyes are blue or violet.

I'm just beginning to believe
that something could be done with you.

Say, you could do
anything with me you wanted to.

Putty, just putty, that's me.

But getting back to those eyes of yours...

would you mind if I, if I kind
of got closer, so I could see them?

Not if you're going
to lose any sleep about it.

Now, how would you like them, open like this?

Close them both.

- Something tells me I'd better leave.
- That's an excellent idea.

Oh hello Mother.

Oh hello hello Mrs. Schuyler, come
right in, will have a slug of tea?

- What is this person doing here?
- Why...

Well, as a matter of fact, I was just
trying to decide the color of Anne's eyes.

I can't tell whether they're
blue or whether they're violet.

- What would you say Mrs. Schuyler?
- Why?

Oh, don't say it Mother please. Mr. Smith
came here today to do us a great favor.

Indeed? Perhaps he will do me a great favor?

Oh, with pleasure madam.

- Get out of here.
- Oh Mother.

Alright, it's all
right Anne, I can take a hint.

It's a little
subtle but I get it, it's alright.

- Please go, I'll explain to Mother.
- Alright.

The caviar was lovely madam.

You must come over and see us sometime.

- Where were you yesterday?
- Oh, Stew and I went for a long ride.

Dexter, is there any finishing
school we could send him to?

Yes, Sing Sing.

Well, just the same, he's going to be a
different person when I get through with him.

- When you get through with him?
- Yes.

It's going to be a
very interesting experiment.

To make a gentleman out of a tr*mp?

Exactly.

Now Anne, you remember how much
it cost to get rid of that baseball player?

You don't seem to understand that
this one's different, he has brains.

- But what about me Anne?
- You? Don't go serious on me Dexter.

- Hello Natalie.
- Hello.

Miss Montgomery Mr.Stewart Smith.

Mrs. Eames Mrs. Radcliff and Mr. Radcliff.

How you do?

Hey, who's Anne's new boyfriend?

Well, if my ears don't deceive
me I believe his name is Smith.

Smith? He can't be one of
the brothers, he hasn't a beard on.

Well, he must've something or
Anne wouldn't have her clutches on him.

Oh, Anne, pinch me, will you?

Throw me out of here, give me the air.
Throw me out of this joint, will you?

Why should I? Haven't we been happy darling?

I know but you should throw me out
because I begin to get goofy ideas...

and they concern you Anne.

None of your ideas could be
goofy Stewart, if they concern me.

Oh, my name is Smith.

That you seem to have been
able to stand for the last month.

I'm white, male and over 21.

I've never been in jail, that is, not often.

And I prefer scotch
to bourbon, I hate carrots...

I hate peas, I like
black coffee and I hate garters.

I make 75 bucks a week
and I got 847 bucks in the bank...

and I don't know yet
whether your eyes are blue or violet.

It's because you're too far away, Stew.

Yeah, alright, right.

Yeah, sure. I got a new dress, a new hat too.

Well, I'll try and get Stew to come with me.

Yeah. Yeah, he's all right.

Yeah, you know, he, he thinks
he's stuck on some society girl.

No, it won't last, it better not last.

What? Oh, I'll be surprised, eh?

Well listen, if
there's any news in that sheet...

that I haven't thrown in
the wastepaper basket, I'll eat it.

Hey Stew, Stew Smith.

- Me?
- You double crossing hound, come over here.

Now listen boss, if you're going
to kick about that expense account...

Do you call yourself a reporter?

Well, has been alleged, yes.

Why, you wouldn't know news
if you fell into a mess of it, nose first.

So you're the bright lad
that's never been scooped.

- Not on my own beat, no.
- No?

Well, where were you when that happened?

I've heard of people being
scooped on their own funerals but this?

Holy mackerel.

Why, it's news when Anne Schuyler
gets her fingernails manicured but this...

She gets married to one of our own
reporters and the Tribune beats us to it.

Well, what do you guys want?

Go on, get back to your
desks, go back to your work.

Now, don't tell me you were drunk
at the time and don't remember...

or is it one of Bingy's snowstorms?

No, no, it's true alright, only we
didn't want it to get in print yet,

Why not?

Well, you see, I've acquired one
of those new mother in laws and...

we, we were afraid she
wouldn't understand the whole idea...

so we're going to
wait until she went to Europe.

Well, what I care about your mother in law?
You still working in this paper, aren't you?

- Or are you?
- Yes sir.

Well, it's your business to get news and here
you have a story right in your own lap...

and you let the Tribune scoop us on it.

Making a first class,
grade A monkey out of me.

Well, if it ever happens again,
just don't bother about coming back.

That's all.
Yes sir, thanks for your congratulations.

Say, hey Stew, how much is she really worth?

Hey, she good looking?

Can't a guy get
married without all this crap?

How about that 10 you owe me now?

- Gallagher? Anybody seen Gallagher?
- No.

Hello Stew.

- Fooled you didn't? You thought it was me.
- Hi Stew.

- Hi Joe.
- Hello Stew, congratulations.

- Have a drink on the house, eh?
- Come on, grab a drink, come on.

Why, I'm going to have a lot of drinks.

You don't think I'm
going to settle for one drink...

Oh, wait a minute, excuse me.
Wait, be right back, wait a minute.

Well, well, well. Gallagher old pal.

So there you are, what you run away for?

I didn't run away.

Sure, you ran away,
aren't you going to congratulate a guy?

Sure, wish you all the luck in the world pal.

Thanks, thanks.

I hope you'll be very happy.

Oh sure, will be, what's the
matter with your eyes?

- It's the smoke.
- Joe? A little snifter.

Say, was I a lucky guy
to fall into a girl like that, eh?

What you got? I don't know
how I rate that Gallagher.

Gosh, that's a swell
girl, I want you to meet her.

- Who, me?
- Yeah.

Oh, she wouldn't want to meet
me I, I'm just an old load of hay.

Thank you Joe.

Say we'll do, we'll have
a party down at your house...

one of those spaghetti parties, you know?

Haven't had one in
long time, have we Gallagher?

Not since you broke into society.

Remember the time we had a spaghetti party...

and while I was serving the
spaghetti I dropped it on the floor...

and when those mugs weren't looking
I served it to them anyway, remember that?

Yes, Anne would love that.

Stew, do you think your wife would walk up
3 flights just to eat out of paper plates?

- Anne? Oh, sure. Anne would love that.
- Remember she's a Schuyler.

Now get this
Gallagher, Smith, that's the name.

- My error.
- Oh hello chief.

Cut that out, just because
I'm married there's no reason for that.

- Ix-nay, the oss-bay.
- The oss...

Well, what's the Benedict looking for
in the newspaper, his lost freedom?

Well, if it isn't old Fagan himself.

Gallagher and myself just came
over here to do a little work on a story.

Baloney. Joe, bring me a special.

- Isn't it swell about Stew's marriage?
- Is it?

- Well, when you quitting?
- Quitting? I'm not thinking of quitting.

I take it you don't have to work
for a living anymore Mr. Schuyler.

Now, get this Conroy, my name is Smith.
Always was Smith, always going to be Smith.

- Is that so?
- That's so.

Anne Schuyler is in the blue book,
you're not even in the phone book.

Think that one over sucker.

But that doesn't make any
difference if they love each other.

- He's like a giraffe marrying a monkey.
- A what?

Listen, you never be anything...

but just the reporter
that married the Schuyler's millions.

Stew Smith is dead and buried, from now
on, you be just Anne Schuyler's husband.

A rich wife's magnolia.

If you can smoke that without
getting sick, you're welcome to it.

- But that's perfectly ridiculous.
- Wait a minute, let me do the talking now.

And now you get this Conroy,
Anne Schuyler has a lot of dough, alright.

I married her, alright.
But her dough and me, no connection.

- Just a bird in a gilded cage.
- A what?

- You heard me, a bird in a gilded cage.
- Been reading a lot of cheap tabloids.

Anne and myself are going to
move downtown in a nice little flat.

We're going to
forget all about this social stuff...

and we're going to be
known as Mr. and Mrs. Stew Smith.

And now how do you like that?

- And live on your salary I suppose?
- Live on my salary, yeah.

- That is until I finish writing my play.
- What play?

- My play.
- The one about the Siberian bloodhound?

Siberian bloodhound?
Oh no, no, it's been all rewritten.

- It's laid in Araby now.
- Araby?

- Sure.
- Araby my...

Well, I'm sorry to see
a good reporter go blooey.

- Let me know when you quitting.
- I'm not quitting.

- No?
- No.

♪ For he's only a bird in a gilded cage,
a beautiful sight to see, tweet-tweet. ♪

- Go on laugh, you hyena.
- Don't pay any attention to him.

- He doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Attention to him?

I ain't paying no attention to him.

Think that guy can
get me upset? Not that mug.

He's a tough mug, hard, cynical.

He doesn't know there's
any fine things in life, that guy.

It's getting so now if a guy
steps out he's called magnolia.

Stew Smith, a magnolia?

Stew Smith is not going to hang around and...

be a speakeasy rat, I
tell you that, not me, not me.

I'm going to step out and mean
something in this world, you watch me.

I'm a lucky guy that I
can even be near Anne Schuyler.

I've been hit with a carload of
horseshoes and believe me, I know it.

Lucky, I'll say I'm lucky.

Don't you think I'm lucky Gallagher?

- Sure, I think so.
- Sure you would pal.

- A bird in a gilded cage, eh?
- How's her family going to feel about it?

Her family? Oh, they'll be
all right, I'll bring them around.

Gilded cage?
Besides, I ain't marrying her family.

Gilded, Stew Smith, ja.
Gilded cage, that mug, what does he know.

I don't know what you
need me here for, isn't my funeral.

You stay right here Michael,
someday you'll be head of this family...

but thank heaven I
shan't be here when it happens.

And I hope you never have a daughter
who gives you gastritis as Anne has me.

Oh no Mother, calm yourself,
there's no use to get so excited.

Oh, isn't there? Sit down.

- Smythe, some bicarbonate quick.
- Double strength?

Mother, if you keep this up, you'll have
another breakdown before you go to Europe.

Oh, it's a good thing your father passed away
before he saw insanity ravage the family.

I can't imagine what made you do such a
thing. A reporter, of all things, a reporter.

A barbarian who lets his socks come down.

Mother, I promise you that he
won't be a reporter much longer.

Once I get him away from that atmosphere
and get him away from a man named Gallagher.

Sit down.

- Drink hearty Mother.
- Anne, Anne.

Mr. Grayson. You.

- Mrs. Schuyler.
- Well, what's to be done?

He's here now.

Nobody seems to want to do anything.

Why not ask me?
Perhaps I could offer a suggestion.

Do what about what?

- About what? Your marriage to Anne.
- Oh, my marriage to Anne.

Now Mrs. Schuyler, we don't want
you to go to any trouble about that.

We just want the usual
your blessings, that's all.

Young man, I want you to know that
I object violently to this whole affair.

Oh Mother, your attitude
is perfectly ridiculous.

It's done now Stewart and I are married.

Yeah, I'm afraid she's right Mrs. Schuyler.

I'm really very sorry
Mrs. Schuyler that you feel this way, I...

I was in hopes that you'd like me.

I'm not the burglar that you think I am.

After all, we're married, I think the thing
to do is to kiss and make up Mother.

- Stop calling me mother.
- Alright Grandma.

This man is impossible, I can't talk to him.
Grayson, let's go where we can think.

You see what you've done to me.

Oh, got it too, eh?

- Who won that round?
- Afraid your mother won that round.

- That is, she got the last blow in.
- You know, I don't feel the way they do.

You're really not as bad as everybody thinks.

Well, began to appreciate me, eh?

Come on upstairs, I'll give you a little...

- A little...
- Sure, I'll be right up.

- He's all right, I like him.
- So, I'm glad.

- He can bend.
- Come here baby.

I haven't seen you for three hours.

- You're neglecting me already.
- What's the matter?

Something I ate, no doubt.

Egg marks the spot.

- You ought to get some new ties Stewart.
- I don't need any new ties.

I got another tie,
got another beside this one.

It's a pip too.

Only one thing wrong
with it, you know what that is?

It has a little weakness for gravy.

And once in a while it leans toward ketchup.

Of course, that's only in its weaker moments.

And when you move
down to my place, I'll show it to you.

- In your place?
- Yeah.

Oh, it's great. Of course, it doesn't
compare with this coliseum of yours.

But 'twill serve milady, 'twill serve.

The architecture is, has a
little feeling of Missouri Gothic.

And the furniture sort of leans
toward Oklahoma Renaissance...

with a tiny touch of Grand Rapids.

Don't you think it's silly of us to think of
living there when we've this whole big house?

When we have...

You mean you'd like to have
me live here in your house?

Sure, we can have the left wing
and be all by ourselves all the time.

Oh, we could have the whole left wing?

Wouldn't that be,
would that be room enough for us?

O darling of course, If it isn't...

there six rooms and two
baths but if that isn't enough we...

- Mother will give us the blue room I think.
- Oh Mother will give us the blue room?

You haven't a red room, have you?
Well, bless her heart, wouldn't that be nice?

Six rooms and two baths and a blue room.

I guess she would let us have the
right wing if we needed it, don't she?

- Oh but we don't need it, I'm sure.
- Oh, I see, we won't need that yet.

Plenty of room, plenty of room.

Look Anne, now never mind.

- You're not serious about this, are you?
- Of course I am Stewart.

Now, let's get this settled.

- You have the cutest nose I've...
- Never mind, never mind, never mind my nose.

What kind of a chump do you think I am?

Think I'm going to live here
in your house on your dough?

What you think my friends
would all say? Oh, don't be silly.

I'd get the razzing of life for that.

A bird in a gilded cage, that's what I'd be.
But not me, no, no. Not me.

What do you think my friends would say
if they found me in a little cheap flat?

It isn't cheap, it's nice.

Oh, listen Stew, let's not
talk about things like that now.

I'll do anything you ask me do

- but I will not live in here.
- I love that nose.

- Oh, it's such a sweet nose.
- Nevertheless...

Nevertheless, whether the nose is sweet or
not, I'm not going to live in your house.

You might as well get that straight.

Do you want me to be happy, don't you?

Then I'm not going to live in it.

Mr. Smith sir?

Mr. Smith sir?

Mr. Smith sir?

How do you like your bath sir?

I like my bath all right,
how do you like your bath?

- Who are you?
- I'm your valet sir, Dawson is the name sir.

- You're my what?
- Your valet sir.

My gosh.

Here your are.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I'll do that for you some time.

It's very sweet now.

- Say listen man, what you say the name was?
- Dawson sir.

Dawson...

- Was I very drunk last night?
- Drunk sir?

Yeah.

Oh, I've shall been very
plastered if I hired a valet.

Oh but you didn't engage me sir.

Who did engage you then? If I didn't
engage you, what are you doing in my...

- Did you take anything out of those pants?
- Oh, no sir. No.

- What you doing fooling around in here?
- Oh Miss Schuyler, I mean Mrs. Smith.

- She engaged me this morning sir.
- Oh, I see.

So Mrs. Smith engaged me a valet, eh?

It's very nice of
Mrs. Smith to engage me a valet.

Say, you know, you're nice. You're all right.

- You make a good wife.
- No, thank you sir.

But not for me, just anybody liked you.

You nice fellow, you're all right but
I'm sorry, I don't need any valets today.

Oh but indeed, you do sir.
If you don't mind my saying so.

A gentleman's gentleman as it were, someone
to draw your bath, lay out your clothes...

help to dress you.
It's really most essential sir.

You know, you trying to tell me
that I need someone to help me...

- put on my pants and button them up.
- Quite sir, quite.

And I'm sorry. Now, I appreciate
your efforts but I don't need anybody...

to help me button my pants, I've been
buttoning my pants for 30 years alright.

And I can button, I can button
with one hand, as a matter of fact.

- But Mr.Smith now please.
- You listen...

you got a nice face.

And you wouldn't want anything
to happen to your face, would you?

- Oh, no sir.
- Alright, outside.

- I beg your pardon?
- Outside.

Oh, I think I understand sir.
You mean you want me to go.

There you are, you caught on, didn't you?

You see? You're nice and you're
smart too, you caught on right away.

Outside, go on, outside. And don't come back.

- No sir, no.
- Hey, wait a minute.

What's this?

Oh, that's a canary sir.

- That's a canar...
- Who brought that in here?

Cana...

Yeah, canary, eh?

Go on now, get that
out of here, get that out of here.

Yes sir, very good sir.

A bird, a bird in a gilded
cage, get that thing out of here.

Yes sir.

Good morning darling.

Oh, Dawson, see that all Mr. Smith's
clothes go to the cleaners this morning.

Very good madam.

- Hey, who is this mug?
- I got a present, shut your eyes.

Now, keep them closed.

I know you're going to love them, there.

It's little, couldn't
be an automobile, could it?

Well, well, well, ain't that nice?

- Do you like them?
- Got my initials on them too.

They're cute, there are, there nice,
but what you do with them?

- You wear them, of course, silly.
- No, no, not me.

- Haven't worn these things for years.
- Yeah, I know that.

I'd be foolish, I couldn't
look Gallagher in the face.

But darling, I don't care whether you can
look Gallagher in the face or not,

but you going to be
a good boy and wear garters.

- Yes.
- I love you dear, I'll eat spinach for you,

I'll go to the dentist twice a year for
you, I'll wash behind my ears for you...

♪ But I'll never wear garters. ♪

♪ Oh, yes, you will, my dear
Oh, yes, you will, my dear... ♪

♪ You'll wear
garters and you'll like it too. ♪

♪ Oh, no, I won't, my dear,
Oh, no, I won't, my dear. ♪

♪ I'll wash behind the ear,
but no, I won't, my dear. ♪

♪ Oh, yes, you will, my dear.
Oh, yes, you will, my dear. ♪

♪ You'll eat spinach
but you'll wear garters too. ♪

♪ Oh, you can't carry a
tune, you can't carry a tune. ♪

♪ All you are good for
Is to sit and spoon spoon. ♪

- ♪ Oh, no, I won't wear garters. ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes, you will so too. ♪

Yes.

Is it real?

- Of course it's real.
- Any diamonds on them?

Must've set him back at least six bits.

One just can't wear those and be decent.

- Yes, you can, if you belong to the 400.
- I wonder what number he is.

Come on, get out, get out.

What's the matter with you mugs? Didn't
you ever see a guy with garters on before?

- What do you suppose he wears them for?
- Can it be possible to hold his socks up?

Yes, that's it. You know one's hose looks
horrible untidy when they hang loose like.

- Don't Percy? Is it?
- Oh, my dear, they look ghastly.

- They look ghastly.
- Come on, come on, get out of here.

- Hey Stew, your policeman.
- Yeah?

Hello?

Oh hello dear.
Wait just a minute, go on, beat it, will you?

Go on, go on, screw,
screw, will you? This is my wife.

- Beat it, go ahead.
- Pardon me.

In your respective chapeau
and over your cauliflower ears.

Hello dear.

It's nearly 6 o'clock and you
know how long it takes you to dress.

But the ambassador is coming at 8 and you
got to be ready by the time he gets here.

- I'd like to see Miss Wilson please.
- Whom shall I say miss?

Miss Gallagher of the Post.

Miss Gallagher of the Post, here to see you,

- Miss Gallagher?
- Yes.

I'm Miss Wilson,
Mrs. Schuyler's social secretary.

I was sent from the
Post in place of our social editor.

Oh yes, of course. Miss Ramsey telephoned me.

- Well, what would you like to have?
- Why a, a list of the guests.

- That's the usual thing, isn't it?
- Yes, of course, I'll get it for you.

In the meantime, would you
like to take a look around?

Yes, thank you.

- It's a lovely dress.
- Thank you.

Where is Mr. Smith?

Mr. Smith? Oh, you mean
Anne Schuyler's husband?

Oh, he's probably very tired. You see, he's
had to meet all these people personally.

Oh, yes, I can imagine.

You newspaper people have
a lot of fun with him, doesn't you?

What is it you call him? The Cinderella man?

- There's the Spanish Ambassador.
- He really looks like one.

- Miss Wilson?
- Yes?

Mrs. Smith would like to see you.

Alright. Will you excuse me? Thank
you darling, make yourself home.

Oh Mr.Smith, I've read some of
your plays and I'd like an autograph.

Well, well, well, if it isn't my old pal,
turn around gal, let's get a look at you.

- There you are.
- Well, daughter of the slums.

How you get out of the ghetto, eh?

Well, I'm pinch hitting
for our society editor tonight.

- I wanted to see some life in the raw.
- Oh, you wanted to see life in the raw, eh?

Well gal, I'm afraid we
ain't got no raw life up here.

- Oh, I'll have to go someplace else then.
- No, no.

Maybe we could interest
you in some well done butterflies...

or perhaps some slightly
fried pansies or better still...

some stuffed shirts and
guaranteed every one of...

them will give
you a good stiff pain in the neck.

Say, who's been tying
your tie lately? Looks rotten.

Gallagher, do you look good.
What you've done to yourself?

- Oh, nothing.
- What you did to that hair?

- And where did you get that dress?
- I dyed one and washed the other.

Oh, you dyed one and washed
the other? You certainly look good.

Don't turn around now but there's a very...

beautiful girl up there
who seems to be staring at us.

Staring at us?

- My mistake, she's glaring.
- Must be my wife.

It is my wife.

Hi Anne, don't go away.

You must stay right there because I'm going
to bring a friend up I want you to meet.

Anne, prepare yourself
for the treat of your life.

- This is Gallagher.
- Gallagher?

Sure, my pal on the paper, she's
subbing for the society editor tonight.

Oh yes, of course, how do you do?

Gallagher Mrs. Smith.

How do you do?

You know Stewart,
you failed to mention that Miss...

Gallagher was a very beautiful young girl.

Gallagher?

Yes, as a matter of fact you failed
to mention that Gallagher was a girl.

I failed? Well now,
that's, that's funny, isn't that funny?

Yes, isn't it?

Well, you see I, we
never look at Gallagher as a girl.

No? What do you look upon her as?

Well, down at the
office, we always just look at...

Gallagher, that's all.

Well you see, they all
consider me just as one of the boys.

- Right.
- Indeed, how interesting.

Yes, isn't it?

Miss Wilson will give you the guest list and
any other details you need Miss Gallagher.

Well thank you,
I'll go and look for her at once.

- Goodbye Mrs. Smith.
- Goodbye Miss Gallagher.

Goodbye Stew.

That was kind of a rotten thing to do
Anne, after all Gallagher is my friend.

The least you can do is be courteous to her.

- I thought I was very charming Stewart.
- You did?

It's a lot of hooey.

- I'll go and apologize.
- Oh Stewart please.

I'm sorry Gallagher, really, I am sorry.

Oh, that's all right Stew.,

Forget it. Why, as far as she's
concerned, I'm just part of the hired help.

Oh, no. No, no.

Strange, I've never
seen Anne act that way before.

It's funny I never thought to tell her
that you were a girl, isn't it?

Yes.

- Hello there Meadows.
- Who is it you wish to see sir?

I want to see Stew Smith.
Oh excuse me, I mean Mr. Smith.

Pardon me Mr.Smith is engaged.
Now we have a reception here this evening.

Oh, a party, great, great.
Jolly times and merry pranks...

that's me, I'm a guy
who loves parties, you know I...

Beautiful pair of shoulders.

But listen now as a favor,
will you please make it snappy,

and tell Stew Smith I got to see him, because
if you don't my whole family is going to die.

I'll tell Mr. Smith at once sir, have a seat.

Well, I' got a seat
but I have no place to put it.

Pardon me sir but I've heard that one before.

Excuse me, want to be sure and see
he doesn't take away any of the vases.

Well, well, well.

My little pal Gallagher is a gal, eh?

That's just to give you an idea
that I know how to treat a gal.

Get fresh with me and I'll
sock you in that little nose of yours.

Excuse me, be right back.

What's the matter Bingy?
A little clumsy to get in your pocket?

No. I was just
looking at it. Pretty, ain't it?

- I was just looking for the price tag.
- What do you want?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I just blew over, I wanted to see how the
old newshound looked made up for a gentleman.

Would you like to have me
turn around for you Bingy?

Oh boy, I'd love it.

- How's that?
- Not bad. Not good but not bad.

You ought to be able to fool
about almost anybody, is that so?

Well, have you seen enough
or would you like a photograph?

A photograph?

What's the matter? Hasn't
Mama had you done in oils yet?

- Just a gigolo, Da, de, de, de, de. ♪
- Now, get this mug...

you got the kind
of chin I'd just love to touch.

And if you don't get out of here,
I'm going to hang one right on it.

Ah no, take it easy, take it easy Dempsey.
Just relax my boy, relax and open your pores.

- I bring a message from Garcia.
- Yeah?

Hear, the boss sent
me over to offer you a job.

He wants you to write
a daily column on the Tribune.

Go on.

Well, it's all right, you can write
your own ticket, 150 bucks a week.

- Alright, I'll bite, what's the catch?
- No, there's no catch, this on the open up.

Of course, all you have to do is just sign
the article, by Anne Schuyler's husband.

Well, how does the old
Cinderella man feel about that?

Well bowled sir, very neat.

That's what I think of it Bingy.

- Smythe, the gentlemen is leaving.
- Yes sir.

Good morning Mother.

Didn't I tell you that he'd be marvelous?

You know, everybody thought
he was so charming last night.

I was so worried he knocked over a vase or
something, I must've acted like an idiot.

What is it say about
the reception last night?

Oh, the usual thing, blah blah blah,
attended the blah blah reception and wore...

- the same blah blah things.
- Stop it Anne.

You're behaving like
the person you're married to.

Oh, you don't have anything
to complain about mother.

He was all right last night, wasn't he?
I told you not to worry about him.

It was a miracle,
the man was ill or something.

- Mother.
- Look, look, the front page.

- I knew it, I knew it, I felt it in my bones.
- Did you see the papers?

Cinderella Man grows hair on chest.

This is the most
terrible kind of publicity...

Don't you think I know it Grayson?

Smith, send for Mr. Smythe,
Smythe, send for Mr. Smith.

Double strength.

Cinderella Man grows hair on chest..

I wear the pants,
says Anne Schuyler's husband.

Good morning everybody.
Maybe it isn't good morning, eh?

Anne, did you ever get a feeling there
was somebody else in the room with you?

- Have you seen this?
- Yeah, the worm.

- I beg your pardon?
- He's a worm and I'm going to step on him.

To engage in a brawl, a cheap,
common brawl in my own home.

I wear the pants,
the pants, not even the trousers.

I've tried to stop
the evening papers but it's useless.

You, you, you quit trying to stop anybody.

Well, at best you might deny it.

Why deny it? The more you deny, the more
they print, let them alone, let them alone.

Thing to do is to sit
still, keep your trap shut.

Trap shut?

Bet on me, I'll take care of this
guy Bingy, myself, personally.

Now, what are you crying about?

Oh, is this true
Stewart? Did you really say it?

Yes, I said it, sure I said it.

- I didn't say for publication however.
- And you struck him right here in our house?

Yes, I'm sorry. I struck him
right here in your house and I'll...

strike anybody in anybody's
house that calls me a Cinderella Man.

Well, what else you expect them to call you?

- Dexter...
- That's the 14th crack you've made to me.

I'm keeping count of them, when they get to
20 I'm going to sock you right in that nose.

As matter of fact,
I ought to sock you right now.

Anne Schuyler, are you going to sit
there and watch this man insult us?

- Haven't you any decency left?
- Well, why doesn't Dexter show some decency?

And you might show some too Mother.

What do you expect a man to
do when he's called such names?

I'm glad you hit that
reporter Stewart, he deserved it.

Alright, all right.
It's your funeral Anne Schuyler.

Go on, beat it, shadow.

Cinderella Man, that's 15.

Pardon me madam.

They've phoned
through from the mayor's reception...

to remind you it's
past the hour for the reception.

- Are the cars ready?
- They've been ready for the last half hour.

I hope I don't have to make
any speeches tonight Anne.

Oh, you can't disappoint all those women.

You know, it isn't every day they get
to see a famous round-the-world flier.

Yes I know but they scare me to death.

You know, this is the fourth dinner
that you've taken me to this week.

- And I'm running out of material.
- Are you complaining?

Yes, there's always
too many other people around.

Anne, it's getting late,
what are we waiting for?

You're waiting for my husband.

If you'll excuse me, I'll run up and see what
that slowpoke is doing, I'll be right back.

Stewart, we're all waiting for you.

- Where's your valet?
- I poisoned him.

Suppose, stop trying to be
funny and get ready, will you?

I'm not going.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about I'm not going.

What am I going
downstairs and tell those people?

Go downstairs and tell
them, tell them anything.

Tell them I'm not going,
tell them I'm not at home.

Stewart, would you mind
telling me why you're not going?

Yes, I'll tell you.

For the same reason I've never wanted
to go out with those social parasites.

Those sweet smelling fashion plates,
I don't like them, they bore me.

- They give me the jitters.
- You know you're talking about my friends?

Yes, I'm talking about your friends
and they still give me the jitters.

Well, are you going or aren't you?

- Anne, come here.
- Look out for my lipstick Stewart.

I tell you what let's do.

Let's you and me sneak out all by ourselves.

- Are you crazy?
- Think of the fun we can have.

We'll sneak down the back
stairs and get in the valet's Ford.

- How's that?
- Will you stop being silly Stewart?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll take you down and introduce you
to all my g*ng, would you like that?

But I don't want to meet your g*ng.

Oh, I don't mean the newspaper fellows
you don't like, another g*ng I know.

You'd love them. They're writers,
they're musicians, they're artists.

Great crowd of people.
Do great things, people worthwhile.

Meaning that my friends
aren't worthwhile, I suppose?

- Oh, they're all right...
- That's what you mean.

Heaven knows, you've made that clear to
me often enough and I'm sick and tired of it.

I've given you party after party,
I've taken you into the best homes in this...

town and introduced
you to people of importance,

- And are you grateful? No.
- Well...

You insult them and act like a boor.

I'm sick and tired of making excuses
for you and the things you've done.

Perhaps it's just as well you're not coming
tonight, maybe I can enjoy myself for once...

without having to worry about you
and what you're going to do.

And that, my friend,
is what is known as, Society belle...

telling ex-star newspaper reporter to
to, how you've been Mr. Smith?

- Did you call sir?
- Smythe...

- Yes sir.
- Smythe...

Come here. I want to talk to you.

Smythe, here.

Come on Smythe, talk to me, will you?

Smythe, I'm going nuts,
I'm going nuts in this house.

This big, come here.

Smiythe, I'm not going to
hurt you, come on, come on.

Come on, what's the matter with you?

Come here.

- You hear something?
- Yes sir.

- You try it.
- Me sir?

Yeah.

No, give it more volume.

No, no, that's enough.

I just wanted to give you an idea.

- Now you know, this house is haunted.
- No sir.

Yes sir, have you looked in
the closets all over the house?

- Yes sir.
- Found no skeletons?

- No sir.
- It's haunted just the same.

- Yes sir.
- House is, hear...

Smythe, what you do with yourself?
I mean, when you're not carrying those...

- double strength, what you do with yourself?
- Well sir, I putter.

Smythe...

when you're alone and
want to amuse yourself, then what?

- I just putter.
- You putter, eh?

- Do you have to have a putter to putter?
- No sir.

I putter with my hands.

Well, isn't that nice, you
just go right ahead with your...

It's all right, how you, how you do that?

Well sir, I'll show you.

- That's puttering sir.
- No, that's...

Well, well, it's all
right if you like it, I give that.

- Can anybody? Anybody can do that?
- Oh, no sir.

Some people are natural
putterers others can never master it.

Oh my, you mean some people are
born and never would become putterers, eh?

- Yes.
- Oh my?

Wouldn't that be tragic not to know
that you could never be a putterer?

- Yes.
- How about me?

You think if I concentrated
and put my whole soul into it that...

- some day I might be a putterer?
- You sir?

You could never be a putterer.
Not a good putterer sir.

Oh well, if I couldn't be a good putter.
If I can't be a good putterer, this...

Why? What makes you think
I couldn't be a good putterer?

Well sir, to be a putterer
one's mind must be at ease.

A person with a problem could
never be a putterer and for instance sir.

A fish can putter in water but not
on land because he'd be out of place.

An eagle can putter around the
rugged mountaintops but not in a cage...

because he'd be restless and unhappy.

Now, if you will pardon me, with
all respect as a Smythe to a Smith...

you are an eagle in a cage.

A bird in a gilded cage?

- Yes sir.
- That's all, that's all I want to know.

Hello.

Hello Gallagher hello Gallagher,
old pal. How are you old pal, eh?

Oh hello Stew.

I'm pretty good, I can't complain.
How's our gentleman of leisure?

I'm on the coast
of Norway and I can't get out.

Will you come get
me out of the coast of Norway?

Oh, your play.

Yeah, at once seen one, the Coast
of Norway and then a lot of blanks, that is?

Come on. Oh, don't be silly.

Alright, alright, if you feel like
you need a chaperon call up...

Call up Hank. Yeah,
you'll find him at Joe's, no doubt.

Yeah, Hank would be
my idea of a perfect bodyguard.

Sure you would, I knew
I could depend on you old pal.

- Snap it up, will you Gallagher?
- Ok.

Smythe, I'll get this,
I'm expecting some friends.

Very good sir.

Well Gallagher, come in, come in, I'm glad
to see you. Hello Hank, how are you?

- Oh fine but kind of thirsty.
- Come right in, I'll get you a drink.

- Oh say, you remember Joe.
- Sure.

Well, I sort of invited
him along to bend an elbow with.

It's alright, it's alright, bring him in.

- Come on Joe, it's alright.
- Alright.

- Hello Joe.
- Hello kid, how are you?

- Glad to see you kid.
- Just a minute Johnson is outside.

You don't mind if he comes in
and dips the beak, do you?

- No no, bring him in, the more the merrier.
- Hey just come up.

- Hello Johnson.
- Hello Ste old pal, how are you?

- I'm glad to see you.
- Look, wait a minute.

I got two of the boys I brought along.
They've crushed around if you don't mind?

- You brought two them?
- Yes.

- That's all right, bring them in.
- Ned, Fred, come on in.

- Hello boys, come on in.
- Stew.

- Come right in.
- Hello.

- Come on in.
- Hello Stew.

- Hello Stew, old boy.
- Hello Stew.

- Hello sonny boy.
- Hi Stew, how's the boy?

Sorry nobody could come.

- Well, my old pal Stew.
- If it isn't Sweetheart hello.

Why don't bring your family with you?

You know, the rest of the g*ng
had to get out the morning edition.

But they'll be down later.

Now Hank, you sure they're coming?
Because will be lonesome without them.

Smythe, take this crowd in
and give them a drink and...

find out what the boys in the back room want.

Don't stay there Smythe,
don't be, don't be holding out on us.

We're willing to help you.

It isn't done
gentlemen, it isn't done I said.

- It isn't done.
- Be right with you.

Well Gallagher, you certainly
took no chances, did you?

I'm sorry Stew, I asked Hank
and, well, Hank did the rest.

I see. Hank brought them all.

That's all right, we'll give them
a drink and we'll throw them out.

Holy god.

Is there a green elephant
standing beside that fella?

No, this is just little Bingy Baker.

Bingy...

Big Chief Bingy come to
white man's tepee to make friends.

Big Chief very sorry.

To show how sorry will bend over
and let white man kick Big Chief...

where sun never shines.

Excuse me Gallagher.
I wouldn't miss this for...

Firewater all right.

Well Stew, that's all thrashed out.

By golly,
I'm certainly glad you're not really sore.

You know our racket,
you know after all, news is news.

Sure, it's all right, that was a great story
Bingy, a great story, wished I'd printed it.

Well, I gave her the breaks, didn't I?
That was the hairy chest story.

You raised it up to the chin, I see.

Go on in the other
room, get yourself a drink.

Hey Smythe, Smythe...

Give them one drink, throw them out.

- Yes sir.
- We're going to give him one.

You know what I should do with you?
I should sock you right in that funny nose.

- Yes, I'd love it.
- Sure, you'd love it.

How far have you gotten?

Well, just been able to get off
of that Norway coast so far.

Act 1, Scene 1. A street in Old Madrid.

Well, you're not getting your play done but
you're certainly covering a lot of territory.

Haven't I covered some territory? Feel like
I've been on a Cook's tour someplace.

Stew, have you ever been to Old Madrid?

- Been where?
- To Old Madrid?

- No, I've never even been to new Madrid.
- Then how do you expect to write about it?

Oh, I'll draw on my imagination, I suppose.

Ah, did Conrad draw on his imagination?

- Did who?
- Conrad.

What do you know about Conrad?

I don't know a thing about him but isn't
he the one you're always yelling about?

Gosh, you look cute.

Isn't he the one that always writes
only about the things he knows about?

- Right.
- Then he go to see before he wrote about it.

Right.

Then why don't you write about something
you know? Write about yourself and Anne.

The poor boy who marries a rich girl.
Now, there's a swell theme.

Gee, it's an idea there Gallagher.

- It's an idea there and I wonder now.
- Oh sure, she'd make a beautiful heroine.

And there's her mother.

And oh, what a character that old dame
would make with her double strength.

And that lawyer friend of
theirs, he'd make a great villain.

- And there's you.
- What could I be?

I don't know, you could be something, if I...

Come on scram, I've
got an idea, now let's get this set.

It's a great idea now,
a great idea for a play.

Just get it, get me a cigarette, will you?

Let's don't lose this. Just...

- Here you are.
- Alright, thanks.

Now, let's see...

How will start?

Hey pal, how would you start, eh?

Smythe, you're a sl*ve.

What's the difference
between a king and a butler?

Say, you can't come
in here, this a private party.

Hey, hey...

My old classmate from Harvard.
Whoopee, Harvard, 98. Hello Mama.

- And I know who's the cause of it all.
- Oh, Dexter?

Smythe?

Smythe...

- Who are all these people?
- Friends of mine.

Very lit, lit...

- Very literary people.
- He's drunk.

Smythe, you've been drinking.

- I have, double strength.
- Very drunk.

- Where is Mr. Smith?
- Smith?

Well, for crying out loud,
I don't know and I don't care.

- Whoopee.
- Very, very drunk.

Now Gallagher, if we
could only get a great scene.

A tremendously emotional scene, something
to just wring the hearts out of the public...

to bring the curtain down
in the second act, we'd be Ok.

Couldn't dig one out of
your hat someplace, could you?

No, afraid I'm all out of tricks tonight.

Now we got them right up to where
the boy's wearing his white spats...

and going to pink teas,
and the Frau enters, how's that?

- It's very good.
- Now, if we could get where...

- Oh hello Anne.
- Good morning.

- What does this mean?
- What does what mean?

Oh, that mob downstairs, I got so interested
in the play, I forgot all about them.

- I see.
- Yeah.

And we got a play Anne, have we got a play.

Of course, most of it's
Gallagher's, she did most of it.

That brain of hers
just snaps like that all the time.

Well, I'm not interested
in the way her brain snaps.

- I think I'd better go Stew.
- I think you should Miss Gallagher.

Hey, wait a minute Gallagher.

What's the idea Anne?

The idea is simply this, that I want
these people to leave here immediately.

Now wait a minute.

- Aren't you being a little unreasonable?
- Unreasonable?

Have you any idea what
the place looks like downstairs?

Do you expect me to stand here and see
this house turned into a cheap barroom?

Wait and don't get excited Anne.
I know there's no reason for that.

Perhaps the boys have had a little too
much to drink, that's all right, I'm sorry.

I'll go right down and throw them out.

That's no reason
for you to take this attitude.

After all, I certainly have a right to invite
a few of my friends to my house, haven't I?

Your house?

Oh, I get you.

It's all right Alright, I don't blame you.

I kind of forget myself for a moment there.

That's what I call
getting me told, isn't it Anne?

I suppose I've been
boarding out this last year.

Alright, I'll tell you this, I don't
like your boarding house lady...

and if it's all
the same to you, I'm moving out.

Stewart.

It's something I should've done a long time
ago only I didn't have sense enough to do it.

No, I had to stick around here and try to
make a success of something that I...

knew darn well was
a failure from the very beginning...

but no more, no more. So that's that.

- Oh, you can't walk out of here like this.
- Oh, I can't, eh?

Who's going to stop me?
I'd like to see somebody stop me.

You don't think I'm
going to stick around this joint...

just to look at this
mausoleum? Not on your life.

You're going to make
no stuffed shirt out of me.

- Now, what do you think of that?
- What's going on here?

- Who's this woman?
- Joan of Arc, what's it to you?

- Heavens, the man is insane.
- Sure I'm insane.

But I've got some good news for you...

this magnolia is leaving
your sweet smelling vanilla joint.

This bird in a cage is going to
button his own pants from now on.

And that's what's known
as telling the mother in law.

Eurek...

You haven't done nothing but watch me,
watch me ever since I've been here.

Treated me like a thug,
watched me like a hawk, mistrusted me.

Every time I leave the house, that
dame goes out and counts the silverware.

- That's ridiculous.
- Quiet...

It's alright, I don't blame her.
I know I'm out of my own crowd.

Should've had better sense from the beginning
but I'll stay in my own backyard from now on.

- You're acting like a child.
- Alright, I'm a child, alright, I'm a child.

Have it any way you want,
but I'm going back to my own apartment.

Where I should've live in the first place but
no, I got to listen to you and move here.

Alright, if you want
to live with me Anne, it's Ok.

But the sign outside will say Mr. Stew
Smith and you'll have to be Mrs. Stew Smith.

Or there's nothing doing,
no more Anne Schuyler's husband.

Here's some more news for you.

You can take your
red room, your green room...

your left wing, your right wing and
you know what you can do with them.

- Come on Gallagher.
- Oh Stewart.

Pard me, could you
spare a dime for a cup of coffee?

- Coffee?
- Yeah.

How you like to be the Knight of the Garter?

- No no, just coffee it's alright.
- Wait just wait a minute.

Entertain the gentleman Gallagher.

There you are my man, with those
you can eat for a couple of months.

- Come on.
- How about the socks?

I wouldn't worry too much
about it Stew, she'll see it your way.

Oh, I'm not worrying about her, I'm worrying
about that second act curtain, that's all.

Oh, you're just a first class chump.

Well, you just staged a scene
that play like a million dollars.

How about that declaration of
independence for the second act curtain?

It's an idea Gallagher, it's a great idea.

Hey Gallagher? Gallagher?

- Yeah?
- How about my breakfast?

How you expect me to bring a
curtain down on an empty stomach?

- It'll be ready in a minute.
- Never mind that.

If you can't get my breakfast ready...

can't get here in time in the morning,
then you can go get yourself another job.

Sorry boss.

Don't be sorry, just get
the breakfast, that's all.

- Hello Smith.
- Holy jumping swordfish.

I suppose you know why I came?

No, have no idea, unless
some of the silverware's missing.

No. Don't be absurd Smith, may I come in?

- Surely, come right in.
- Thanks.

May I sit down?

Surely, sit down. I'd known you were
coming, I'd have thrown you up a waffle.

- Oh, I don't eat waffles.
- You don't?

Anne asked me to
come see you about the divorce.

She did?

She wants me to arrange
the financial settlement.

Listen Grayson...

I got 106.75 bucks in the bank.

Now, Anne can have any part of
that she wants but she'd better hurry.

Because I'm spending it awful fast.

You don't seem to understand.
Anne doesn't expect anything from you.

We would like to know how much you...

- would want to...
- Now, wait a minute.

Do I get from you that
she wants to pay me alimony?

That's putting it crudely but...

Remember what I
told you about that 20th crack?

- Perfectly.
- Alright, you just made it.

Now, before you go unconscious, I
want you to get this through your nut.

I beg your pardon?

Unconscious, you know, when you
don't know anything, your natural state.

There some people
you can't buy their self respect...

for a bucket of shackles,
well I happens to be one of those guys.

- We just thought...
- Don't think, let me do the thinking.

Now, you go back to that Schuyler outfit...

and tell her I didn't marry that dame for her
dough and I don't want any of her dough now.

Yes.

I was too poor to buy her a
wedding present when we married...

so I'll give her a
divorce for a wedding present.

Now stand up and now for that 20th crack.

Now get.

Who's that?

Schuyler's lawyer.

What he want?

Gallagher, that guy just dropped by to
give us a great opening for the third act.

What was the idea he gave you?

Swell idea Gallagher, how's this?

The family lawyer comes to see the kid
to talk over the divorce, you know?

Then they insult the poor but
honest boy by offering him alimony.

So the kid gets sore, socks the
lawyer in the nose and throws him out.

How's that for the
beginning of the third act, eh?

Well, from now on, the play will be easy.
All you have to do is bring wife back...

have her say she's
sorry and then your play is over.

What's the matter? Do you think I'm
going to let that guy go back to his wife?

Not on your life.

- He's got to go to the other gal.
- What other girl?

Little O'Brien girl, of course,
the one you suggested in the story.

Oh but that's ridiculous Stew, you
can't make a sudden change like that.

Gallagher, what you going to do?
Tell me how to write a play?

- No.
- Nothing sudden about that.

He's always loved the girl.

But he was such a sap, he didn't
have sense enough to tell her.

That's all right, we can fix that.

He'll go to the gal and, here, I'll show you.

He'll go to the little
O'Brien gal and he'll say...

in some pretty words
of some kind, he'll say...

Something that you
can write. He'll say darling...

I'm sorry, I've been a fool all my life.

I've always loved you, only
I didn't have sense enough to see it.

As quick as I get a divorce from my wife...

I want you to marry me.

She'll look at him and then she'll say...

Yeah.

And they'll, they'll embrace...

or something like that.

Then he'll kiss her or something.

What's the matter
Gallagher, eh? What's the matter?