-Who's that?
- You want-
you want to knock that off?
- Sorry, sir.
You new?
- Yeah, matter of fact I am.
Special assignment,
anti-terrorism division.
- He's a little small to be
a guard dog, isn't he?
- You know what kind
of animal that is?
- Wiener dog?
- This is a dachshund,
badger hound.
This animal is trained to sniff
out chemical and nuclear agents.
- He can smell nuclear agents?
- He frickin' loves
nuclear agents.
Now, security officer...
Fadagucci,
if you don't mind,
we got some work to do.
- Yes, sir.
- Be a good boy.
Take a seat, there you go.
What?
What the--
[electronic beeping]
[dog wheezing]
Harry.
Harry, you got to shut up.
- Monitor, room .
- .
- Yeah, who's the guy
with the wiener dog,
fondling the cashmere?
- Captain.
Captain.
- , tell that cop
that sweater
ain't gonna fit that dog.
[sirens blaring]
- This neighborhood
has gone to sh*t.
I remember when this was
a beautiful neighborhood.
Everybody looked like
everybody else,
and everybody knew their place.
Now we got moolies dancing
on every corner.
And if it ain't the moolies,
it's the Sputniks
fresh off the boat.
It all started
when the city went bust.
There were
small-timers everywhere
stealing anything they could
get their hands on.
One day they get caught,
the next day they're out
and right back at it.
All of a sudden,
we're surrounded
by g*dd*mn amateurs.
- These are genuine cashmere.
They're worth a fortune.
- What am I supposed to do
with a bunch of sweaters,
wipe my ass?
- Okay, think about this:
guy walks in your shop
to pick up his g*n.
He stops.
"Hey, that's a nice sweater.
Is that cashmere?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact,
it is," you say.
"Why don't I make you
a package deal,
a g*n and a sweater."
Now he's warm and protected.
You're happy.
He's happy.
- I'm tired of you ratty losers
coming in here.
First it was your
dumbshit partner,
now I got to listen
to the prodigal ret*rd.
- Look, Connie,
I'm really desperate.
I got to get Harry
out of New York.
- What's wrong with him?
- / .
The toxins filled up his lungs.
He can't even breathe
right anymore.
[dog wheezing]
- How about this?
You give me the sweaters,
I give you the . .
You take the . home,
put the dog out of its misery.
Then you do us all a favor
and sh**t yourself in the face.
- Screw you, Connie.
- Look at that g*dd*mn loser.
When your grandfather
ran this neighborhood,
the crooks were ltalian,
and they were organized.
Now I barely
recognize the place.
Never should've let anybody else
on the block.
That's what started the decline.
Next thing you know,
we're surrounded
by g*dd*mn moolies.
- ¶ Never spit more
than twenties ¶
¶ I'ma climb on the pound ¶
¶ Spittin' about Bentleys ¶
¶ I walk around town ¶
- ¶ And I'm focused, man ¶
¶ Provoke this man ¶
¶ And get ran over
in your own promotions van ¶
- ¶ I'm bockin' hard top ¶
¶ Blades through my hamstrings ¶
¶ And if E's a devil ¶
¶ Let me do that damn thing ¶
- ¶ lf you want cash ¶
¶ Then shake it fast
and watch yourself ¶
¶ Like you in the mirror
and you 'bout to wash yourself ¶
- ¶ I'm checkmate G solid ¶
¶ You've lost your rook ¶
¶ Streets keep callin'
but can't get through ¶
¶ I'm off the hook ¶
¶ And every noon I wake up ¶
¶ to six phillies
and three dimes ¶
¶ Never early ¶
¶ If I ain't high by :
I'm : ¶
- ¶ I got a hummer in a hummer ¶
¶ Was the best I made ¶
¶ Benz over and Mercedes
now an Escalade ¶
¶ With these hoopty
all around me, man ¶
¶ I can't lock it up ¶
¶ In the club ¶
¶ Only cent in my pocket ¶
- ¶ Yo ho
see me and stop ¶
¶ When I walk around the block ¶
¶ 'Cause my watch
gives new meaning ¶
¶ to the phrase
rock around the clock ¶
¶ Watch us
¶ bang this heat out ¶
¶ Coincidentally my heat
rang the street out ¶
¶ I face some penalties
for the brains I leak out ¶
¶ I own three dimes
of green trees ¶
¶ Y'all felines fighting ¶
¶ But never seen cheese
like three blind mice ¶
- Where's the ride, bitch?
Where's the ride, n*gga?
- We sold it.
- Why you gonna borrow money
from me for a ride
and then sell
the g*dd*mn thing?
- Yeah, I don't know.
- Well, if you sold the ride,
where's the g*dd*mn money?
[g*nshots]
[jazzy piano riff]
- Five, six, seven, eight.
[funky hip-hop b*at]
- Got my money now?
- No.
- Guess I'm gonna have to
sh**t you, then.
- Hold on, baby.
What's that?
- Oh, she's my-my cousin,
my third cousin.
- What's she doing
under the sink?
- I don't know.
She likes it.
- We're babysitting.
- Where are her parents?
- They went away.
- Like three years ago.
- I might just have to take her
for payment.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Peckerwood, you don't
understand what I'm saying.
I'ma take this little bitch
and sell her ass
if you don't give me my money.
- That's cool.
[together]
"That's cool"?
- You could, like,
totally sell her
on the black market.
- What'd you say?
- Um, I mean, well,
the dark market.
Or the gray market
where they deal
in illegal goods, you know.
- Then we'd be even, right?
- You want to tell me
what we're gonna do
with a cabbage patch kid?
- We're gonna see
what we can get for her.
- Are you out of your mind?
- We're overextended, baby.
- What does that mean?
- Ask your accountant.
- Outflows are exceeding inflows
by a substantial amount.
- g*dd*mn street done dried up
since / .
- Streets haven't dried up.
You just haven't been able
to collect
in the last three months.
- It ain't my fault.
n*gg*s is irresponsible
these days.
- The whole ghetto's in default.
Localized housing bubbles
have cause a drop in GDP.
- They have the money.
They just think your soft.
- What?
- You heard me.
- The problem is,
white people ain't scared
of black people no more.
n*gg*s like Will Smith
are messing it up for everybody.
- The only thing that needs
to be scared of you
is the furniture.
- Like you was really gonna
sh**t that guy, huh?
- Well, what are we gonna do?
- Moose, pull over.
- ¶ I barely spoke ¶
¶ And got 'em open wide ¶
¶ So when I make noise ¶
¶ Make room
all jokes aside ¶
¶ Watch your kids ¶
¶ This cat is thirsty ¶
¶ Got schools of all seeds ¶
¶ Like a bag of dirt weed ¶
- ¶ You want to battle me ¶
¶ That'll be tragedy ¶
¶ Actually y'all be blackened
like cavities ¶
¶ In a very rapid capacity ¶
¶ Certified psychopathic ¶
¶ The rap classic ¶
¶ Well above average ¶
¶ Still can get savage ¶
- Yeah?
- So what do you think?
- She ain't yours, Buckwheat.
- But she's cute, right?
- Sure.
- I'll take an offer.
- How old is she?
- How old are you?
- Looks about eight.
I can probably get
grand for her.
My cut will be .
- ?
- I'm making the calls.
I'm setting up the deal.
I'm doing all the work.
Lazy bootlip.
- What'd you say?
- I'm tired of you people
running around the neighborhood
dressed like six-year-olds
looking for handouts.
You don't like the deal,
get out of here
before I call the cops.
- Don't you even think about it.
- Of course,
the Reggie's got a piece.
They give you that
at moolie school?
[g*nshots]
- Screw you, Connie.
- ¶ That's right
that's right ¶
¶ That's my trip ¶
¶ Black, white,
and half n*gg*s like ¶
¶ "That's my sh*t" ¶
- You'd think the moolies
would've scared
everybody else away.
But every few years,
a new mongrel shows up.
All of a sudden,
we're surrounded
by g*dd*mn Sputniks.
- ¶ Give my regards
to Broadway ¶
¶ Remember me to Harold Square ¶
¶ Tell all the g*ng
at nd Street ¶
¶ that I will soon be there ¶
- Thank you.
- [screams]
- [imitates phone ringing]
Technical support,
how I help you?
[imitates phone ringing]
You reach hotline,
what's your problem?
[imitates phone ringing]
Hello and God Bless America.
How may I support you
technically?
How was audition?
- They called police.
- You should work on singing.
- Slava.
Walk.
- Lana.
What did you do?
- They do not understand
my passion.
- We came here to be
upstanding peoples.
- We came here to work.
- We cannot work without papers.
We cannot get papers
because they fear us.
They fear us because
you k*ll other actress.
- Slava.
We have no money, no work.
Everyone hates us.
- Still better than home.
- It will take ten years
to become real American.
We need rent now.
- Maybe you should
dance exotically.
- We need new plan.
- I am Lana.
We spoke on phone.
- Right.
For two, $ , .
- How long?
- Get me the money, a week
later, you got a new name.
- Can I choose name?
- What name you want?
- Sparkles.
- $ , extra.
- I do not have enough.
- What do you have?
- Nothing.
- You're screwed.
[dramatic string music]
¶ ¶
You think I fall for that sh*t?
Go get a green card,
Betsy Wetsy.
- Since / they do not give.
- I'm tired of you lousy DPs
coming in here.
- What is DP?
- Dumb Polack.
- I am from Chechnya.
- You look like a hucka lucka.
- What is hucka lucka?
- Towelhead.
- We are Arab Slavs.
- Wonderful.
Get me grand
or go back to riding camels
in the snow.
Why do you want to be
a citizen anyway?
- So I can be Broadway actress
and my brother can perform
technical support.
- Get me the money,
you'll be an American.
I have no idea if you can act.
So far I'm not impressed.
Good night.
- Where's the loot?
What's that?
- Four sweaters.
- Four sweaters?
- Yeah, they're cashmere.
- What about the safe?
- Yeah, what about the safe?
Is there something you forget
to tell me about that?
- No.
- No?
The safe had buttons.
- The safe had buttons?
- Yeah, the safe had buttons.
- What about the dial?
- No dial, just buttons.
- Son of a bitch.
- You take 'em to Connie?
- Yeah.
She told me to sh**t myself
in the face.
- One of these days
she's gonna get whacked.
- It's never gonna happen.
She's too connected.
- Come on.
If the Don left her
so much money,
why's she running
that pawnshop?
- It's a front.
You know that little safe
she's got on the counter?
- Yeah.
- There's like
a million bucks in there.
- Then why would she leave it
out in the open like that?
- To show you she's untouchable.
- I hate that bitch.
She gives us no respect.
- Why would she give us
any respect?
- Me and Harry got to get out
of the city.
It's poisonous.
- Where do you wanna go now?
- Tell you the truth...
been thinkin' about a boat.
- What do you mean,
thinkin' about a boat?
Like you wanna live on a boat?
- We could sail down
to the Jersey shore,
breathe in the fresh air...
- I didn't even know
you liked boats.
- I love boats.
- I like boats too.
- You know you made it
when you got a boat.
- Let's get a boat.
- Boats are a fortune, Fitzy.
- So let's do a job.
Let's do a real job.
- ¶ Shake it baby ¶
¶ Don't stop ¶
¶ Gettin' crazy ¶
¶ Punk rock ¶
¶ Everybody get it, get it ¶
¶ Don't stop ¶
¶ Get it, get it ¶
¶ Shake it like
you're getting some ¶
¶ Stick it like chewing gum ¶
¶ Shake it till you know
it's fun ¶
¶ That boy insane ¶
¶ You come ¶
¶ Then we walk
across the floor ¶
¶ One by one,
they drop drawers ¶
¶ Here they come like cop cars ¶
¶ You really want to get yours ¶
¶ Get yours, get yours ¶
¶ Get yours, get yours ¶
- Look at all this sh*t.
n*gg*s and flies,
two things I can't get rid of.
- ¶ But first you got to watch ¶
¶ Baby, then we got to talk ¶
¶ Baby, then we got to walk ¶
¶ Baby, to your house in style ¶
¶ Baby, then we gonna
go inside ¶
- Hi.
What's your name?
- Emily.
- Would you like some juice,
Emily?
- Where's my mommy?
- Who's this?
- This is Lila.
- Do you and Lila like chess?
You know how to play?
Well, you want me
to teach you?
- Are you my new mommy?
- What's behind your ear?
- How did you do that?
- I'm gonna teach you.
- Well, we were about to
learn chess.
- She needs to learn this first.
This is gangsta.
[loud hip-hop music]
- Hey, baby, I was thinking,
as much as I hate
that Connie bitch,
maybe we should take
the grand.
I mean, I know it's a bad deal.
- What?
- I'm talkin' about Emily.
- Emily?
What you talkin' about
Emily for?
[music stops]
- She's gold, baby.
I mean, we should take
the grand.
We could pay off everything.
And you know what?
Finally the Negroes
get to sell a white kid.
- Ronald.
- What you wanna do, baby?
Oh, no?
- Well, what else are we doin'?
We made all this money.
We got all this stuff.
We can't pay our bills.
We're not happy.
- No.
- But this is clean, Ronny.
She's already eight.
She's house-trained.
She can count.
The rest is easy.
- Do you know how much it costs
to raise a kid?
- Well, Moose says
it's about grand a year...
[together] Assuming
she doesn't need braces.
- You've been talkin' to Moose?
You've been thinkin' about it.
- You really want to bring a kid
into this life?
- No.
We got to clean up.
- We can't afford to clean up.
I ain't sendin' that kid
to public school.
She may end up unsavory.
- Well, we have to set
an example.
- We need a lot of money
to get out.
- So we do one more job.
- And you think robbing somebody
is setting a good example?
- If that somebody deserves it.
- What did Connie say?
- I hate that bitch.
- How much?
- $ , .
- So we go to Russian mafia.
- They will charge same.
- What will we do?
- We have to do job.
- We don't do that anymore.
- If they find us
and send us back to Chechnya,
we will have no choice.
- $ ,
is big job.
- That bitch Connie
has millions.
- Bad idea.
- She is old.
Easily scared.
[phone rings]
- Yeah?
- Hello, may I speak to Connie?
- Who the hell is this?
- Put $ , in bag.
Put bag in garbage can
on corner.
- What?
- Put $ , in bag.
Put bag in garbage can
on corner.
- Why would I do that?
- Do it...
or I will give you cancer.
- Is this that ruble head?
- We are Arab Slavs.
- Dougie!
- Yeah, Grandma?
- I need you to move the safe.
- Did you get the money?
- No.
- What will we do?
- I will call her and try again.
- Okay.
- I will call her ad infinitum
until we get money.
- When comes ad infinitum?
[phone rings]
- Again?
[phone ringing]
[grunts]
- [gasps]
Dougie!
- Your men out front
are protecting you.
They'll k*ll for you.
And they'll die for you.
And don't forget,
the object is to control
the center.
Okay.
Give me my watch, please.
Thank you.
- [giggles]
[sirens blaring]
- She's dead.
- What?
Who?
- Connie.
- Connie d*ed?
Are you sure?
- I don't know.
Come on.
- Ma'am, stay calm...
- Grandma.
- Ma'am.
- Okay, lady.
- Dino...
this is a sign.
- Moose...
this is a sign.
- Slava, this is sign.
- A sign of what?
- We will rob her ourselves.
- Is this good idea?
- Who will complain?
Everyone hates her.
- She is very dangerous woman,
Lana.
- So am l.
- Ow.
- I hear your grandma's
in the hospital.
- She dead?
- She needs surgery.
- Good afternoon, ma'am,
my name is Mehai Cheng.
- I didn't call for takeout.
- No, ma'am, I'm a doctor.
I'm afraid you're gonna be here
for a little while.
- I don't know
what they taught you
in your chingaling med school
besides how to write names
on rice,
but I ain't staying here
another minute.
- You had a small coronary.
You're going to need
bypass surgery,
or you could have
a massive heart att*ck.
- Not by some slant.
I want a second opinion.
- Well, all right.
Who would you like to speak to?
- Go find me a Jew.
- So it's, uh, hot in here.
- Yeah.
- You got air conditioning?
- No.
- What are those vents for?
- I don't know.
- Is that an internal alarm
or does it go through NYPD?
- Well, why are you asking?
- You know, we're just curious.
- Oh, well, I'm sure
it's linked to some sort of--
- What do you think the response
time is on something like that?
- I have no idea.
-This window.
Single paned or double paned?
- Your guess is as--
- You got a backup generator?
- l-I think we have--
- How heavy is that safe?
You like boats?
- It's perfect.
We get in, we grab the thing,
we get out fast,
no one gets hurt.
- You really think
there's somethin' in there?
- Dino, come on.
- What if it's just
personal stuff?
You know, photographs,
keepsakes, feminine items.
- Are you kiddin' me?
Connie doesn't care about
anything but money.
It's either cash
or something very valuable.
- I don't know, Fitzy.
- Hey.
You want respect, right?
We do this, we buy you a boat,
and you got it.
Then we get you and Harry
out on top.
- All right.
But we got to move fast.
We don't know how long
she's gonna be in that hospital.
What do you wanna do first?
- Let's put your old team
back together.
- ¶ Critically acclaimed ¶
¶ Clinically insane ¶
- I won't be long, baby.
I'm just gonna case the joint.
- What's case?
- Daddy's gonna look at
the building
and see all the entrances
and exits to it.
- Can Lila and I come case?
- Come on.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Ronald, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
- ¶ Things happen
'cause I say so ¶
¶ Half the city on my payroll ¶
¶ I make up laws ¶
¶ Break those ¶
- All right.
If anybody comes,
you sh**t 'em.
- Moose gave you a piece, right?
- Okay.
Well, if somebody comes,
you cut 'em.
You don't have a Kn*fe either?
All right,
then just look mean.
- [growling]
- Shake your head.
[both growling]
You know what?
Why don't you just whistle.
Can you whistle?
- [loudly expels air]
- Okay, for now, just yell.
- Go look out for Daddy.
- ¶ The lchiban Don Mega ¶
¶ Razor sharp with my part ¶
¶ Connected to the streets ¶
¶ Like sidewalks ¶
¶ The Ray Liotta
of the ghetto Goodfellas ¶
¶ My graffiti letters
make the whole hood jealous ¶
- [whistles]
- That's great, baby.
- What you doin' there?
- Uh...
- I'm lost.
Can you help me find my Mommy?
- Well, sure.
- Oh, my god.
- There she is.
- I found her all the way around
the side of the building, ma'am.
- Oh, she wandered off.
Thank you so much.
- Okay, well,
keep an eye on her.
She's a cutie.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Lila likes casing.
- That's my girl.
- She's coming, no doubt.
- No, she's not.
- Hell yes she is.
She's a good cover.
She can even drive the van.
- So what's the deal?
- The deal is a bad deal.
Bars on all the windows,
live alarm.
- So Moose is gonna need time
to work it.
- I don't want to waste time
with alarms.
I want to blast in
tomorrow night.
Take it.
If we move quick enough,
we can get out of town
before they even know
what hit 'em.
- Uh, can I help you?
- It is too hot in here.
I am going to take off
my clothes.
- Oh, my God.
- What is your name?
- l-I'm Douglas.
My name's Douglas.
- Douglas.
I wish you to take me
to your bed.
- Yeah.
Okay, sure.
- Now.
- Now?
Right, okay, back in a minute.
Okay, it's um...
this-this way.
- I know it's kind of small,
but a man's home
is his castle, right?
- This small sh*t apartment
crushes my soul.
- I'm sorry.
- You will make love to me now.
- Uh...
yeah, maybe we're rushing
into this a little too fast.
- Now, little man,
we will make love now.
- Okay.
- Tonight I will give you
brutal Russian sex,
and tomorrow night you will
let me into pawnshop.
- Well, I'm not sure
I want brutal Russian sex.
- You will like it,
piece of sh*t.
- Ow!
Oh.
Wait a minute.
- Quiet.
- Wait, wait,
what are you doin'?
What are you doin'?
[screaming]
[screaming]
That was awesome.
And really confusing.
- That was just the beginning.
- Oh, oh baby.
- Never do a job
without an Oriental.
We need an Oriental for karate
and computer stuff.
Now, this guy's the best.
I used to work with him
back in the day.
They called him the White Tiger.
- Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.
- We're lookin'
for the White Tiger.
- The White Tiger's
no longer with us.
- What, he go to lunch?
- I think he means he's dead.
We're very sorry to hear that.
Who are you?
- My name is Bo.
The White Tiger was my uncle.
I'm the Gay Ninja.
And you are?
- Don't worry about our names.
- Dino Gallucio.
- Gay Ninja?
What's that all about?
- I'm protected by the power
of my dead uncle.
- Yeah, yeah, that's great.
What's up with the gay thing?
- I think he means happy gay.
- You mean happy gay?
- Sure.
- Huh.
- Huh.
- So the White Tiger
was your master?
- Uncle?
Yes.
- But you're definitely a ninja.
- Definitely.
- So, Bo...
you wanna make
some serious money?
- Sure.
- How tall are you?
- ' ".
- What?
- We need a tall guy.
- Why?
- Never do a job
without a tall guy.
This is Big Jim.
- This animal with you?
- Yeah, he's with us.
- Okay to talk in front of him?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he won't say nothin'.
So you ever do any alarm work?
- No.
- You good with electronics?
- Nuh-uh.
- You mind working with a team?
- I don't get along real well
with people.
- Show him how tall you are.
- ' ".
Plus the hat.
- Yeah.
You got blueprints here?
- Submit a photo lD
and form A,
Public Architectural
Retrieval Request.
- No public.
This is between you and me.
- A.
[loud hip-hop music]
- Hey, Pops!
Let me get the structural
and soil reports
on a commercial building.
- Reason?
- What?
- The reason you want
the reports?
- They're public, right?
- I have to enter a reason
for their retrieval.
- Since when?
- Since / .
- All right, well,
put down whatever you want.
Just keep it quiet.
- Okay, uh,
I need to assess their value
for insurance purposes.
- It's your building?
- Yeah, okay.
- Is it your building, sir?
- What is ownership anyway?
- Well, if it's not
your building,
why do you want to insure it?
- Well, uh, I thought
it'd be a nice thing to do.
- I have to say, I'm having
a hard time believing you.
- Why?
'Cause I'm black?
- No, because what you're
telling me is ridiculous.
- I should get really mad at you
right now.
But I can't.
Instead I feel sorry
for you, sir,
because you are ignorant.
Let me enlighten you.
Black people, we like to insure
each other's property
all the time,
and I'm not gonna explain
that to you,
because, frankly,
you wouldn't understand.
Yo, I'll be back.
- You didn't write down
the address
of the building you want
the blueprints for.
- Don't worry about it.
Sometimes I like to look at
the blueprints of a building
in case maybe I want to build
that building again
someplace else.
So just get the blueprints.
- I need to know which building.
- Why?
- It's our policy.
- Since when?
- Since / .
- Yeah, forget about it.
I'll blueprint it myself.
- "Yes, please, I need patent
formula and design
for Securitex front load
depository safe."
- Yes, go get it.
- We don't have that here.
- Is this not
Ministry of lnformation?
- This is the Department
of Planning.
We have building plans
and permits.
- Okay, go get that.
- Fill out the form.
- That Mac or PC?
- I don't know.
- It give you trouble?
- All the time.
- You have problems,
you let me know.
- I fix Windows, DOS,
Commodore , Wang.
- Thanks.
- I'll need a photo lD.
- Certainly.
- Alexander Hamilton?
- That's my name.
Don't wear it.
- Says here you're blonde,
blue-eyed, and ' ".
- Yes, thank you.
- Your photo lD
has to look like you.
- Why?
- It's our policy.
- Since when?
- Since / .
- Oh, okay.
I go now.
- Would you turn that down,
please?
I would recommend
a standard composition C- .
- What?
- C- .
- Where'd you get that?
- Office Mania.
- We need to make it through
several reinforced walls.
- Okay.
You're gonna want
a shape charge then.
This is in
our highly expl*sive family.
- Do you have to use that?
- It's convenient, bitch.
- Ronald, your language.
- I got to keep it gangsta,
baby.
- Yeah..
- You know, that is an offensive
term for people.
- Dynamite, baby!
That's what the Coyote used
to blow up the Roadrunner.
- Wile E? Coyote never blew up
the Roadrunner.
- Shut up, n*gga!
- Hey, guys.
You're gonna need fuses also.
- What we need, Moose, ?
- No you got to--
- You know what?
Start with .
- I always tell people to start
with if they don't know.
- feet?
- Please.
- How far away do want to be
from the b*mb?
- feet?
- You have to move the pointer.
- Moose.
- I'm thinkin'.
I'm thinkin'.
I'm new at this, you know.
- What do you mean
you're new at this?
- There's a first time
for everything, n*gga.
- You can always come back.
We're open till sundown
every day except Saturday.
- Why don't we just
buy a ladder?
- I'm not paying for it.
That's the problem
with this job.
No budget.
- Hey fellas,
how can I help you?
- We need to borrow a ladder.
- Mind telling me what for?
- We're gonna make
some real money.
- We need to rescue a cat.
- We do?
They didn't tell me about that.
- Okay, come on.
We got an -foot extendable,
-foot fixed,
-foot extendable.
- Wow, your ladders are huge.
- Thanks.
- Hey, can I help you?
- Yes, we are looking
for enriched uranium.
- Must be % U- isotope
or higher.
- And what do you need that for?
- Nuclear power
for safe-cracking machine.
- Oh, okay.
Uh...excuse me for asking,
but where are you from?
- We live here.
- Go Yankees.
- And Mets.
- No, I mean, like,
where are you from originally?
- We are Arab Slavs.
- Yeah.
I don't think
we got any uranium.
- Do you have
any other nuclear material?
- Let me check.
- Perhaps he can order.
- Yeah, I need the police
and, like, Homeland Security,
and, like, maybe the army.
Come down to Al's Hardware store
on Hoyt Street.
- He will talk when he wake up.
- He will not remember.
How will we power machine?
- We can use six-volt battery.
- [imitates phone ringing]
Good evening,
technical support.
Of course,
I will be delighted to help you.
- Slava.
Machine.
- Everybody listen up.
This is a big job--
need to be organized.
This'll be planning central.
Everything we need to know about
the job will go here.
And this is the safe.
Now we're going in
tomorrow night.
We need a plan to get in,
get this thing, and get out.
Dino, blueprints to the shop.
Uh, okay.
Even though it's an old store,
very good possibility
she's got it alarmed,
at least right through here
at the front door.
- And the walls,
floor too.
- Maybe even the air.
The air in the room
is very probably alarmed.
- Bo, your job is to interface
with the computers
and knock out the alarm.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Dino, you and Big Jim-
- Wait.
How do I do that?
- You're the Oriental.
- Oh.
No, sorry, I don't know.
- You don't know?
- I don't like computers.
I like people.
- You know karate,
though, right?
- I'm protected by the power
of my dead uncle.
- Right.
We're just gonna have to find
another way to get in.
- Okay.
Now, these tape marks
indicate our path
through the ventilation system
in Connie's pawnshop.
Dino, you're gonna go first.
Now, in actuality this shaft
is about feet longer.
So let's all just, uh...
crawl in place for a minute.
- All right, Dino,
make the turn.
- Okay, now after this turn,
we're about feet away
from being on top of the safe.
- How are we gettin'
around these?
- Just move 'em.
- Am I gonna be able to just
move 'em when we're in there?
- There's not gonna be
any pizza boxes
in the air-conditioning vents.
- Are we really going in there?
- Why, are you getting
cold feet?
- No.
But it's really, really dark
in there.
- That's why we've all got
flashlights.
- We do?
Can I have one?
- Bo, I told everyone
to bring flashlights.
I've got a flashlight.
Dino's got a flashlight.
- Never do a job
without a flashlight.
- Big Jim's got a flashlight.
- Nope.
Figure I'd steal one
from the shop.
- That's a good idea.
- Dino, you got a flashlight.
You hoppin' in first.
- I'm not going in first.
Let somebody else go first.
- Why?
- I went first in rehearsal.
- Yeah, I don't want to go in
first either.
- Me neither.
- Fine, I'll go first.
- It's this one?
- No.
One more.
- This one, right?
- No.
One more.
Why are we stopping?
- It's a dead end.
- Dead end?
Hang on.
- You're right.
It's one back.
Back up.
Okay, let's go.
Right.
Go right.
No, no, left, left.
Sorry.
- Little man.
- Oh, my god.
- You will let us into shop now.
- I don't really think that
that's a--
- Get up!
- Okay.
Hello.
What did you guys need?
[hip-hop music]
¶ ¶
- Plan B.
Hold on.
Make sure the coast is clear.
- One.
Two.
Three.
- That's it?
- Maybe we didn't use enough.
I told you I was new at this.
- sh*t.
Give me the keys.
[tires screeching]
[loud crash]
God damn it!
- Maybe we should just
go around back.
- Dead end.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
- Maybe she moved it.
- Maybe she moved what?
- The safe.
- That could be.
- She didn't move the safe.
There's not a dead end
in the air-conditioning system
because she moved the safe!
That doesn't make any sense!
- Drink.
- Why?
What'd you put in it?
- Medicine.
- Medicine?
- Sex medicine.
- You mean like Viagra?
Is it Viagra?
- Yes, Vagra.
Drink.
- Okay. Yeah.
All right.
How long until
this takes effect?
- Not long.
Sit.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I think I'm already
starting to feel it.
This is gonna be so--
- Yes.
- We have problem.
Safe has been moved.
- How did safe get there?
- Perhaps little man moved it.
- Don't be stingy
with that sh*t.
We ain't blowing up this wall
all night.
Use all of it.
- Are you sure
that's a good idea?
- That was some sorry ass sh*t
back there.
We could've got caught.
Use all of it.
- What the--
How'd you get there?
- I thought you were behind me.
- You were the one supposed
to bring a compass.
- Who brings a damn compass
to a job, for Christ's sake?
- Never--
- Oh, shut up.
- What do we do?
[voices overlapping]
- Vermin.
- Nobody touches my hat.
- Bo, what are you doing?
- I think I'm almost there.
- Is he crawling in place?
- I believe he is.
- Just a few more feet.
- We were here a half hour ago.
- [moaning]
- Little man is moaning.
- They sound big.
[metallic squeaking]
- Little man is squeaking.
- Very big.
- It's an earthquake.
- Oh, no.
Nobody move.
Bo, stop crawling!
- Oh, this is gonna hurt.
[screaming]
[coughing and groaning]
Who are you?
- We are Arab Slavs.
Why are you here?
- And why are you here?
- Stay where you are.
- Uh-uh.
- You brought a g*n?
- Of course I brought a g*n.
- You didn't bring your piece,
Fitzy?
- No.
- Was it in the shop?
- I didn't know I needed it.
- You always bring a g*n
to a job.
- Are your g*ns real?
- Yes.
- They're so cute.
- You.
- Yeah?
- You are tall.
- ' ".
Plus the hat.
- You can reach safe.
- Huh.
She moved it.
- What'd I tell you?
Never do a job
without a tall guy.
- You will get safe for us.
- No, I will get safe for us.
- But how will you open it?
- How will you open it?
- We have machine.
- Ready?
- We don't want to have
an accident.
- Emily, cover your ears.
This is gonna be loud.
- Who is that?
- Come on, Moose.
- I hope we don't start a fire.
Step back.
Okay, I'm doing it.
One.
Two.
Three.
- ¶ Critically acclaimed ¶
¶ Clinically insane ¶
- Who the hell are you people?
- sh*t!
- What are you doing here?
- What y'all doing here?
- Stupid question.
- Wait a second.
You mean to tell me
that none of you had any idea
we were gonna
hit this joint tonight?
- That's unbelievable.
- All right, enough talk.
Take 'em out, Bo!
- We're lookin'
for the White Tiger.
- The White Tiger's
no longer with us.
The White Tiger was my uncle.
I'm the Gay Ninja.
I'm protected by the power
of my dead uncle.
- Where's that safe?
Son of a bitch.
- It's ours.
We got the tall guy.
- And you think you're just
gonna walk out of here
with that safe
and down the sidewalk?
We got a truck outside.
- Screw you.
- How will you open?
- We can open.
- Screw all y'all.
- What do we do now?
- I have no idea.
- Dougie!
Get that thing out of here!
- But the doctor said--
- I don't care what
that miserable kike said.
I'm not having surgery,
and I'm not usin' a chair.
Any sign of weakness,
the animals around here
will att*ck.
Give me my cane.
- You want we should
get you some dinner?
- Oh, whatever,
just get out of here.
- We'll be back.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Dougie!
Dougie.
Jesus.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
This place is a mess.
You were supposed to be
taking care of the place,
not sleeping.
Lard ass.
[all screaming]
- [laughs]
- Holy...
- sh*t.
- We k*lled Connie.
- Maybe she's fakin' it.
- Hey, Dino.
- Okay, look,
we got to get out of here
before the g*ons come back.
- What is g*ons?
- Big fat ltalians.
- What are we gonna do?
- I know what I'm doing.
I'm going to get the safe.
- Uh-uh.
- Damn it!
All right, look, look,
why don't we all just-
just calm down here, okay?
Now look, we don't even know
what's in that thing.
- Feminine items.
- Precious jewels.
- Tax free treasuries.
- I heard it's someone's soul.
- Maybe it's a kitten!
- Maybe it's a kitten!
- Perhaps it is hope.
- Stop!
We don't know.
But I think we need each other
to find out what it is.
Look, we need to act like
we're all on the same team here.
- What team?
- We ain't on the same team.
- Yeah, we're, uh...
we're on a team
of Americans.
- Fitzy, I don't think
they're Americans.
- Dino, shut up.
We're all Americans.
And we all love money.
But we don't want to work
for it.
- So what?
- So what?
So no one's leaving here
without that safe.
And it seems pretty obvious
to me
that we all need each other
to finish this job.
So why don't we
just split the loot?
That way no one gets hurt.
'Cause I didn't bring my g*n,
and I don't feel like
getting sh*t tonight.
- I got a dachshund at home
that needs me.
- I got an eight-year-old
to take care of.
I'm tired, and I feel
a little PMS coming on.
- Me too.
- You're probably on the same
cycle on account of this job.
- Dino, please.
Come on, let's all just put
the g*ns down, all right?
Big Jim?
This is what you're here for.
He's not tall enough.
- Just wait.
- The hell is that?
- Not much.
- It's nothing.
- Disappointing.
- Probably ain't worth sh*t.
- Ronald, your language.
- My bad.
Probably ain't worth sh**t.
- Looks like a doubloon.
- Maybe it's gelt.
- What is gelt?
- Hanukkah chocolate.
- Are you Jewish?
- Yeah, on my father's side.
- Oh, so technically, no.
- I am if you asked h*tler.
- What, is he coming in next?
- What're we supposed
to do with that?
- Freeze!
- FBl.
Drop your weapons
and put your hands up.
- Who are you?
- Six months ago
we were assigned
to the New York bureau
as senior agents.
- Lieutenants,
I have an assignment for you.
- Is it dangerous?
- Are we going into the field?
- You're g*dd*mn right you are.
Here's the deal.
We just arrested
Chi Chi Gutierrez,
and he told us
that the th Street g*ng
is smuggling cocaine
in ceramic monkey figurines
down at the docks
at midnight tonight.
So what I need
from the two of you
is to pick up my dry cleaning,
because I'm gonna miss it.
[laughter]
- If he's not gonna
give us anything,
we need to open a case
on our own.
We need to prove ourselves.
- Let me show you something.
- We've been on this case
since the beginning.
- But when we started
surveillance,
we realized we weren't the only
ones watching this place.
You didn't know
about each other,
but we knew about you.
And while we watched
you all fumble around,
we just gathered evidence
and waited to make our move.
- The boss had noticed us
working late every night,
and now suddenly,
he was taking an interest.
- Girls, I've noticed
something recently.
You seem unsatisfied.
Is everything okay?
- Well, no.
- What's wrong?
- Why are we still doing
desk work?
- Why haven't we been promoted?
- Honestly, girls,
you still haven't proved
yourselves in the field,
or, for that matter,
in this office.
[giggling]
[together]
We want to go undercover.
- I like the sound of that.
Now, let's see how you handle
the head of the FBl.
- I think I figured out a way
we can both relax.
- Mmm, I'm all yours.
- Hey!
This one was imagining us
as lesbians, Samantha.
I saw him!
- No!
No, I wasn't thinking that.
- Listen, jackass, we're not
here for you to drool over.
- We are senior agents
of the Federal Bureau
of lnvestigation, buddy!
- Okay!
Okay, you followed us here.
No lesbian stuff happened.
- Okay, everyone,
drop your weapons
and put your hands up!
- What are you doing?
- What they said.
- Pick up your g*n.
We got 'em outnumbered.
- No, that's okay.
I wanna go with them.
- Dino, pick up your g*n.
- Drop 'em or he dies.
Now, I've done this
a few times already.
So if I k*ll him,
makes no difference.
But you two are gonna
get in some serious trouble.
So I suggest you throw
those g*ns on the ground.
Somebody tie 'em up.
- I'll do it.
- So what do we do about the--
What the hell?
Did she just swallow that thing?
- Fat American.
- Emily, did you just eat that?
- Why'd you do that, baby?
- Chocolate.
- It was chocolate?
- Emily, honey,
that wasn't chocolate.
- Oh, so it's my fault?
- Somebody needs to
make that girl throw up!
- Cough it up, kid!
Cough it up!
- Whee!
- Put her down!
Put her down!
- No one's got an extra g*n?
- Either she coughs it up
or I gut her right here.
- Put her down, Big Jim.
We said we'd split the loot.
- We don't even know
what that thing is.
- They do.
- What was in safe?
- Spit it out.
- It's the Double Eagle.
- What's that?
- First issued in ,
the Double Eagle gold piece
was struck using gold ore
from the California Gold Rush.
- President Franklin Roosevelt
discontinued the coin
when he eliminated
the Gold Standard
during the Great Depression.
- Yes.
All coins in circulation
were confiscated.
All but three were recovered
and melted.
Two were given
to the Smithsonian.
- The last was retained
by King Farouk of Egypt.
- But the king was deposed
in a coup d'etat,
and the coin disappeared
for years.
[together] Dino.
- I'm Dino.
Sorry.
- Shortly after September th,
a relief worker admitted
to stealing a coin
he'd found outside a destroyed
World Trade Center vault.
- He confessed to selling
the coin to a certain pawnshop,
but local police
suspiciously dropped the case.
- Connie.
- We're senior agents
with the Federal Bureau
of lnvestigation.
- Numismatics Division.
- That is so hot.
- How much is it worth?
- It doesn't matter.
You can't steal a coin
that famous
and then auction it.
- Yeah, yeah,
just give us a number.
- It is a priceless
American artifact
and a symbol of our history.
- Estimate.
- The Smithsonian auctioned
one of theirs
Iast year at Christie's
for $ million.
- Big Jim?
Why don't you put the kid down
real slow.
- Emily, are you okay,
sweetheart?
- Don't be scared, baby.
- We are splitting little girl,
correct?
- Y'all need to back up.
- It's worthless!
- You just said it's worth
million bucks.
- We told you,
you can't auction it,
and you can't fence it either.
No one on the street
will touch it.
It belongs to Connie.
- We ain't got to worry
about her anymore.
- And what about her ghost?
- Where?
- What do you mean?
- You k*lled her.
- But we didn't mean to.
- Doesn't matter.
You'll have every goon
in the country chasing you
for the rest of your lives.
[horn honks]
- Sounds like
they're right outside.
- Come on, move it, move it.
Hurry up.
- We can make a deal.
- We can protect you.
The g*ons don't have to know
you were ever here.
Let them blame the Feds.
- We can give you anything
you want.
- Anything?
- Anything.
- We want a boat.
- We want green card.
- Cold hard cash.
- Diversified portfolio?
- I want a pony!
- I want a pony!
- Okay, okay, stop.
We'll take care of all of you
if you just give us the girl.
She's got the coin.
- No deal.
We're not giving her up
for nothin'.
- You are going to be running
from us
and from them forever.
- Connie!
Connie!
- Is that really what you want
for your little girl?
- All right.
- Ronald!
- I don't want her on the run
for the rest of her life.
- Connie?
- Are you all right in there?
- Well, help me.
- Hey, sweetie.
You're gonna have to go
with the girls now.
- But what did I do wrong?
- You didn't do anything wrong,
baby.
It's just that
that coin you ate,
well, it doesn't belong to us.
So you're gonna
have to give it back.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Give me that crowbar.
- Open this door!
- The deal's still on?
- Well--
- Hey, you got the coin back.
- A deal's a deal.
- Or we could leave you
tied up for g*ons.
- I'm giving you
to the count of three.
One.
- The deal is still good.
Just untie us
and get out of here.
- I got it.
- What's going on in there?
- Open up, I said!
- See you ladies
down at headquarters.
- Open this door
or we're gonna break it down,
I swear!
- Hey, who's in there?
- You better let us in.
I'm telling ya.
[giggling]
- Hi.
- Connie!
Connie!
[together] Freeze!
[sirens blaring]
- Hey, take it easy, huh?
I'm going in; I'm going in.
- Lieutenants.
You'd better come
take a look at this.
- ¶ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy ¶
¶ a Yankee Doodle do or die ¶
¶ A real live nephew
of my Uncle Sam ¶
¶ born on the Fourth of July ¶
¶ I've got
a Yankee Doodle sweetheart ¶
¶ she's my Yankee Doodle joy ¶
[cell phone rings]
- Manhattan Cable.
Slava speaking, how I help you?
Mmm.
Okay.
I be there between today
and Thursday.
If you not home,
I never come back.
Thank you for calling
Manhattan Cable.
- ¶ I am
that Yankee Doodle boy. ¶
- All right guys,
let's take five.
We'll come back, do it again.
- It looks good.
- Mommy, can l
skip chess practice?
- You ready for your tournament?
- Yes.
- Are you sure?
- I'm working late, baby.
- I haven't seen you all week.
- I'm sorry,
but they're working me.
- I haven't seen you either,
Daddy.
- I'm sorry, sweetie.
- Well, they need to give you
a day off.
- That's the deal, baby.
Come on now, ready for school?
- Guys, let me congratulate you
on your first boat.
[laughter]
Now, let me tell you though,
for every hour sailing,
you got six hours
of maintenance.
This boat needs to be cleaned,
scrubbed, and waxed every trip.
Your bilge has got to be cleaned
every day.
And that's a grimy job.
Now I'm gonna start you off.
I'm gonna get some buckets,
some rags, a lot of soap,
and you're gonna start cleaning.
- What do you wanna do now?
- I'm thinking we sell the boat.
- Good, yeah,
I can't stand boats.
- Holy sh*t.
You think she's come
to take our souls away?
- I don't know,
is that how it works?
- I don't know, but I'm not
sticking around to find out.
- Sit down, loser!
- Okay.
But, Connie,
before you take our souls
back to the underworld,
I just want you to know
that we are very, very sorry
that we k*lled you.
- I wasn't dead.
- But I kicked you.
- Dino.
- I did.
She was dead like a rock.
- It's called
a coronary episode.
You should have called
an ambulance
instead of kicking me,
ret*rd.
Now, you're gonna get me
my coin back.
- How we gonna do that?
- They got it in some
fancy exhibit uptown.
- Wait a second.
We don't work for you.
- I've been watching
you amateurs
for the past few months,
and you know what?
You can change your clothes,
pretend you're somebody else.
But you're crooks.
You're rotten,
and you're never gonna change.
- Screw you, Connie.
- And if you don't do this job,
I'll have my fat friends
cut off your limbs,
set fire to your boat,
and eat your dog.
- I'm in.
- Wait a minute.
You've been
pushing us around
ever since we moved
into this neighborhood.
You want to work with us,
you got to offer us
something more than threats.
- How 'bout %?
- % of what?
- I got a dot head in Bombay
ready to give me
$ million for it.
- So we're talkin' $ , ?
- $ , ?
- But this ain't something
you losers can do yourselves.
You got to split it
with your other partners.
- What other partners?
- Maybe we should
go back to the Feds
and have them witness protection
us or something.
- Not me.
I love New York.
- $ , could pay
for middle school.
- And high school.
- This is a big job.
- That's for damn sure.
- Let's go.
- So what are we thinking?
- I'm thinking
they got big vents in there.
- I'm thinking we need
a lot of dynamite.
- Ronald, this is
a great institution.
- Aw, come on, baby.
- I will seduce security.
- Lana, they must have
guards.
- Yes.
Brooklyn Heist, The (2008)
Moderator: Maskath3