02x17 - Easy Kid Stuff

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Okay. Pick a card, any card.

Look at it and put it back.

Okay. Cut 'em.

Okay.

There you go.

Okay.

Seven of clubs, right?

How'd you do that?

You mean it worked?

Remind me never to play poker with you.

Oh, I haven't played poker in years. You play?

Well, not really.

Until I joined the army, I thought a full house meant

all your relatives were living with you.

Oh, I'm not any good, but I love it.

Every Tuesday night down at the lumber mill,

we'd have a regular game.

That's one of the disadvantages of being Governor.

I don't see my old poker buddies.

Why don't you get a game together? Nah.

Why not?

Nah, I haven't talked to those guys in years.

Oh, heck, that's no excuse. They're friends.

Nah, they're probably busy.

Is this a private conversation you're having?

You know, Benson, you're right.

First thing in the morning, I'm gonna make some calls.

A game would be fun. Thank you, Benson.

Well, good night.

Good night? Aren't you gonna show me how you did this trick?

Why, Benson, it was magic.

[KRAUS SCREAMS]

Benson, there's a man in my room.

Was that him that screamed?

Stop making jokes, Benson.

Be careful. He's small, but he's wiry.

Be cool. It's only me.

Michael!

Sorry I scared you, Miss Kraus. Hi, Benson.

What are you doing here in the middle of the night, Mike?

I was looking for you.

In my room?

I thought I was climbing into Benson's room.

Mike, what are you doing here?

Look, I need a place to stay for a while.

What's wrong with where you live?

Things have changed. I don't live there anymore.

Since when?

Since, uh... Since I became an orphan.

Orphan?

Oh, I see, I see. Here, have a seat.

Well, when did all this take place?

Yesterday.

You became an orphan yesterday?

See, my dad was driving to work, and he saw this parade.

Parade?

Yeah, and standing there watching the parade was my mother.

Where were you?

Uh... English class.

So, anyway, there were hundreds of elephants at the parade,

and this one elephant starts to go crazy

and runs right at my mom.

My dad tried to hit it with the car.

You know, to save my mom.

Anyway, the car was totaled, and he died.

And what happened to your mother?

The elephant fell on her.

You know, when I was your age,

the same thing happened to a friend of mine.

It did?

Yeah, the parade, the car was totaled,

elephant fell on the mother. Everything.

What happened to him?

Well, when this kid's parents

found out he was telling that story,

he wasn't allowed to watch TV for years.

This is a kid that missed Mary Tyler Moore entirely.

You wouldn't let them do that to me, would you?

Mike, I'm gonna have to call your mother.

Good luck finding her. What's that supposed to mean?

She dumped me on my father and his new family

about a month ago.

Said she was going to California to visit a sick uncle.

So you ran away from home?

No, she ran away from home.

Is this another one of your stories?

No, Benson, I swear it's the truth.

Then I'm gonna have to call your father.

Can't I just stay here just for tonight?

Mike, your father will be worried sick.

I'm gonna have to call him.

Okay, but do me a favor.

Don't tell him the elephant story.

Would you like some more cocoa?

No, thanks, Miss Kraus.

I'm really sorry about this, Benson.

It was no problem, Frank.

I'm sorry about the kid.

Ah, kids will be kids.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to go put the screen back in my window.

Well, Mike?

You're not mad at me, are you, Dad?

Yeah, I'm mad and disappointed.

You know, running away won't help this problem.

Too bad Thelma doesn't run away.

I told you not to call her Thelma.

You call her Mom or Mother or something.

She's not my mother. She's my stepmother.

I feel just like Cinderella.

You two want to be alone for a few minutes?

No, we've been in your way long enough.

I'm not going back there and let her kids beat up on me.

Nobody beats up on you, son.

They boss me around.

I've got to do everything they want.

It'll only get worse with you out of town.

I can't get that screen back in my window.

I'll give you a hand, Kraus.

Mike, you knocked that screen out. You go help her.

She's got a knife.

Get in there!

[LAUGHING] What are you gonna do?

Can I get you some coffee or something?

Yeah, coffee would be great.

I don't know what I'm gonna do about that kid.

Well, your mother probably said the same thing about you, man.

The trouble is, he's got a point.

Thelma and her kids, they're doing their best.

But you know Mike. He doesn't always make it easy.

Well, it's just gonna take a little time.

You're right about that.

Right now I haven't got the time.

Why not?

I've got to fly to Houston for a job interview tomorrow.

In the meanwhile, I don't know what I'm gonna do about Mike.

I don't want to leave him at the house, he'll just run away again.

Benson, could you do me a favor?

Hey, Frank, don't ask. Please, man, no.

I wouldn't, but I can't take him with me.

Yes, you can. Strap him to the wings.

Benson, I'm in a bind.

How long are you gonna be gone?

Not that long. I'll be back in no time.

What's "No time"?

Only five days.

Five days? Man, I'll be over the edge in five days.

Benson, please.

I got the screen in.

Mike, how would you like to spend a couple of days with me

while your dad's in Houston?

You'd really let me stay with you?

Yeah, on one condition.

I knew there was a catch.

I expect you to help out around the house.

This house?

No, no, no. My place.

Oh, sure. I'll do anything you want.

And I don't want you giving Benson any trouble.

Me? Come on, Dad. Benson's my buddy.

I'll drop him by in the morning with his stuff.

Okay, Frank. Good luck with the interview.

Hey, I really appreciate this.

Don't forget where you left him.

Hey, Mike, it's time to get up.

I am up.

I see.

Well, well, well. What is this?

I made breakfast for you.

Hey, that's very thoughtful of you, Mike.

I did last night's dishes, too.

Of course, I got them dirty again making breakfast.

[CHUCKLES] [CRACKLES]

Mmm.

When did you make this toast?

About an hour ago. It's okay, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's delicious, yeah.

I'm gonna save it for hard times.

What is this on the cereal?

I couldn't find you sugar, so I used Boysenberry Syrup.

[CHUCKLES]

Boysenberry Syrup, huh?

Mmm. You know, I think I may have steered you wrong

when I told you

that you had to help out around the house.

It doesn't include cooking.

What is this?

Root beer.

Oh, Mike, I don't think

I can let you have root beer for breakfast.

It's not for me. It's for you.

Mmm. I had the last of the orange juice.

Yeah-hmm.

Whoo-whee!

Boy, that really starts you off

in the morning there. Mmm-hmm.

Well, listen, this has been exquisite.

Uh, look at the time, boy.

I better get your lunch together.

How many sandwiches do you want?

For what?

I'm gonna make your lunch.

How many sandwiches you want?

Zero.

What is that supposed to mean?

I hate sandwiches.

Oh, you hate sandwiches?

Well, then you're gonna lose weight around here

'cause sandwiches are kind of the specialty of the house.

And, besides, this is my famous egg salad.

You told me you liked egg salad.

But I don't like bread.

Oh, you don't like bread, huh?

Well, this is all I got to put it in, Mike.

That's your problem.

Oh, I see. Mmm-hmm.

One egg salad, hold the bread.

Here you go.

Hey, man, this is gross.

Would you rather be wearing it?

Look, just give me $ for lunch and forget the whole thing.

You can forget the dollar.

You've got an apple and some egg salad in a bag.

Now get your books, or you'll be late for school.

Did you do your homework?

This isn't my homework. This is Rosemary Henderson's.

What are you doing with her homework?

She paid me cents to do it.

You charge people cents to do their homework?

Hey, I gave her a discount. I like her.

[MUMBLING] If you like her so much, why don't you stay with her?

So, Marcy, did you decide?

Do you want to buy a raffle ticket?

Katie, if I won, what would I do with a chain saw?

That's not the point.

It's to help the school band.

They're only cents.

Okay, I'll take one.

I don't have any change.

Okay, okay, two.

It wasn't a fight. We were just goofing off.

When I drove up, you were punching him.

I was pushing him.

Pushing him where? He was already on the ground.

Go to the kitchen and do your homework.

Homework? Don't you know anything about kids?

I'm supposed to be playing now.

He's right, Benson.

If I didn't have to hustle these raffle tickets,

I'd be out playing.

They're right, Benson.

When did we choose up sides?

Okay, go on out and play.

But in an hour, you hit the books.

Come on, Katie, I'll help you sell those tickets.

We'll never sell them one at a time.

What we need is one rich pigeon.

Marcy, let me tell you something.

Being a father is tough enough without having you loosen

my already slippery grip on authority.

Well, you're talking to the mother of two.

I just thought you might like the benefit of my vast experience.

I don't need it.

I've got the benefit of Mike's vast experience.

Hey, I just bought chances on a chain saw.

What are you gonna do with a chain saw?

Oh, I won't win. Hey, is the Governor in?

He's on the phone.

I'll just sneak in. I've got to borrow some law books.

Did you and your divorce lawyer break up?

This isn't my divorce. I got a speeding ticket.

And you're gonna fight it? Of course I'm going to fight it.

Well, were you speeding or not?

What's that got to do with it?

Do you want to see the Governor?

No, I've got to see Clayton.

I'm supposed to see him in the morning, but I can't.

So I want to find out if he'll do me a favor.

A favor? Are you speaking about our Clayton?

[SCOFFS] Well, I've got no choice.

I've got to see Mike's teacher in the morning.

Why? Is he having trouble with schoolwork?

Oh, no, school's no problem for him.

It has to do with a bag of egg salad.

Would you care to explain that to me?

I thought you had all this vast experience.

Didn't you ever drop water balloons out of a window?

Yes.

This is the same idea, using egg salad.

I hope the principal can get his jacket cleaned.

Ah, Benson, having a little sit-down?

Uh, Clayton, I need to talk to you

about our meeting tomorrow morning.

Uh, could we postpone it?

I have to meet with Mike's teacher in the morning.

Fine. No problem. :.

What?

:. You can make it then, can't you?

Yeah, I just didn't think it would be so easy.

Benson, taking time out of your busy schedule and mine

to look after that young man is truly admirable.

Now, I realize that as chief of staff,

I could have insisted that you be here

at : as agreed upon,

but what would be the point?

You wouldn't have shown anyway.

Now, wait a minute. Am I wrong?

Mmm, I'll see you at :.

Oy, he always has to have the last word.

What do you mean? I had the last word.

Yeah, ":". Big comeback.

Here you are, Marcy.

Oh, hi, Benson. How's it coming with Mike?

Uh, just dandy. GOVERNOR: Good.

Did you get that poker game together yet?

Not really.

None of my old friends wants to play.

And I don't understand it. I was always the big loser.

You know, I think our relationship's changed

since I became Governor.

I had a lot more fun when I was known as Easy Money.

Benson, Mike fell out of a tree and hurt himself.

Where is he? Outside.

Poor little Mikey. Can you see anything?

No, I can't.

Well, what's going on?

I don't know. They took him into another room.

Then why are you looking through that window?

It makes me feel better.

Come on, Benson. You might as well sit down.

This may take a while.

[SIGHS] I hope his arm isn't broken.

It looked broken to me.

If you don't mind, I'll get a second opinion.

Oh, hey, how's Mike?

Mike who? Mike Hopkins.

I brought him in over minutes ago.

Oh, yes, the g*nsh*t wound.

No, the broken arm.

He's probably in X-ray.

Probably?

What's your number?

Number? Your admissions number. It's on your form.

Well, how do I know?

Uh, Benson, I have it.

It's ---...

Hey, hey! I thought you wanted the number!

Benson, Benson, calm down.

Uh, I should never have gotten mixed up in this whole business.

I'm not cut out to be a parent.

That doesn't stop most people.

Hey. Hey, I thought you wanted the number.

I didn't need the number. You gave me his name.

Anyway, I checked on your boy.

He has a broken arm. I knew it.

It's a clean break.

The doctor's in there setting his arm now.

Just sit down and relax.

Relax? Shouldn't I be in there?

Do you have a medical degree?

No, I mean, I want to see Mike.

When he's done.

Done? What is he? A pot roast?

How's your pizza?

Great.

You know, this broken arm means

I'm gonna miss Little League tryouts.

I didn't know you played baseball.

I'm years old.

What do you think I did? Dabble in the stock market?

Gosh, you're cute.

So you play baseball, huh?

Yeah, and I'm pretty good.

I made Pee Wee All Stars two years in a row.

Last year I hit .

Oh, with stats like that you should be making $, a year.

Yeah, but now I'm on the injured list.

Is that what you want to be when you grow up? A baseball player?

It beats what my dad does.

Mike, your dad drives a bulldozer.

That's a good-paying job.

Besides, he's got a family to support.

But I'm not part of that family.

Yes, you are, Mike. Your father loves you.

You heard how worried he was on the phone.

And he's very anxious that everything works out

between you and the new family.

Meanwhile, he's going to Alaska.

Alaska? He's in Houston.

Yeah, to see about a job in Alaska.

But he is coming back here first, right?

What's the matter, Benson?

You afraid you're gonna be stuck with me?

That thought had crossed my mind.

You don't like having me around, do you?

Oh, of course I do. You know, I'm just giving you a hard time.

Benson, do I have to go live with that family?

You have that much trouble with those kids?

Yeah, they hate me.

Come on, Mike, you're exaggerating. They don't hate you.

Maybe not, but you know what Gregory does?

He steals stuff from me.

Like what?

Well, last week, Gregory went through my stuff

and found this bag of candy corn.

I've been saving it since Halloween,

and he gave it to his dog.

Well, Mike, there's lots of candy in the world.

Then the dog puked in Thelma's closet.

Well, that finishes me with the pizza.

Gregory blamed it on me.

So, Thelma sent me to my room for the rest of the night.

You know, it ain't easy being a kid.

Well, it's not that much fun being an adult, either.

Hey, when are you gonna sign my cast?

Oh, when you ask me to.

What do you want me to do? Beg?

I assume you've asked me.

What do you want me to write?

"To my friend Mike."

"To my friend..."

And sign it Willie Stargell.

Okay, where should I sign it?

Right up here near Willie Stargell.

Okay.

Excuse me, sir, have you seen Marcy?

Uh, can I help you?

Well, I need someone to type up this legal opinion for me.

Oh, It would take me forever.

Hunt and peck, hunt and peck.

The only reason I took typing

was because Barbara Carol Yost was in that class.

Oh, boy, did I have a crush on her.

And it didn't do me any good.

I never learned to type,

and I went to the prom with Mildred Oberdorfer.

Well. [CLEARS THROAT] This will keep.

You want to sign my cast?

Oh, sure, Mike.

There we go. What's that?

My initials.

That guy's spooky.

Hey, Mike, you ready to go?

The Governor signed my cast.

Hey, that's very nice. Thank you, Governor.

Oh, sure. Hey, Benson, you want to be in the poker game?

You finally got that game together, huh?

Well, if you say yes, that'll be two of us.

Just the two of us?

Two's not enough for poker, is it?

I'll play.

Well, if we need an extra man, we'll call you.

How about me and you play some Crazy Eights?

You're on. cents a point.

Can you afford that?

He... He's a wonderful little kid, isn't he?

Come on. Let's get out of here. Your dad will be here soon.

Thank you very much, Governor. See you later.

[CHUCKLING] Crazy Eights.

I haven't played that since I was .

Nah, I'd never get that group together again.

Hi, guys. MARCY AND BENSON: Hi.

How'd it go with the traffic ticket? Well, I beat it.

So, why the unhappy look?

The judge cited me for contempt of court.

Why?

Well, I took along one of Katie's radio-controlled cars

to demonstrate my argument.

As soon as I turned it on,

something went haywire in the judge's hearing aid.

I guess it startled him because he jumped up and knocked over the flag.

The eagle on the flag hit the bailiff on the forehead,

and as he fell over,

he spilled a cup of hot coffee in the clerk's lap.

She jumps up, screaming and waving her arms,

and poked the judge in the eye.

Well, that was an accident. That's not contempt of court.

No, no, I think the contempt part was

when I started laughing.

[KIDS YELLING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on here?

We're playing tag.

Mike, you shouldn't be running through the house,

waving that cast around.

The two of you go outside and play something quiet.

[SHOUTING] Come on! Walk! Walk! Walk!

[BOTH SHOUTING] KRAUS: Halt!

Okay, now, you two go and play in Katie's room.

And keep it down to a dull roar.

Out, out.

Kraus, I told them they could go outside.

And I told them they couldn't.

You want him to get his clothes dirty?

It's bad enough you're returning him with a broken arm.

I bet you're gonna miss Mike when he's gone, huh?

Yeah, like the hostages miss Iran.

Well, I know one thing. He's gonna miss you.

Hey, Benson, look who's here.

Hey, welcome back, Frank.

Thanks, Benson. Thanks for taking care of Mike.

I'll go get my suitcase.

Well, he's been looking forward to you getting back.

How did the job interview go?

Uh, they'll let me know in a couple weeks.

Good luck. All right.

Oh, sorry about his arm.

Hey, look, I appreciate the call.

It was nice to know there was somebody around who cared.

Okay, I'm ready to go, Dad.

Well, aren't you gonna say goodbye?

Oh, sure. Goodbye, Marcy.

Goodbye, Mike. Goodbye, Miss Kraus.

Come again soon, Michael.

Well, Benson, you lived through it again.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah. It seems hard to believe, doesn't it?

If I had two good arms, I'd give you a hug.

Well, I've got two good arms.

[CHUCKLES]

So long, Michael.

So long, Benson.

If you ever have an extra ticket to the ball game,

you know my number.

The only ball games I want to see

are the ones you play in.

Only five more weeks.

Okay. Come on.

Thanks again, Benson. All right, Frank. Take care.

[CHUCKLES]

You know something? I think I'm gonna miss that little turkey.

Nah.

Five-card draw,

Jacks Or Better progressive. Ante up.

Okay, what's wild?

Your dealer.

By the way, Pete, what happened to that contempt charge?

You got to reduce the sarcasm.

I paid the fine.

I'll open but this is my last hand.

No way, tinhorn, you got to give the rest of us a chance to get even.

If everybody ends up even, what's the point of playing?

Okay, cards.

Two. Clayton two.

I'll take three.

KRAUS: Governor, three. Two.

KRAUS: How about you, Pete? No, I'll play these.

Uh-huh.

And the dealer takes four.

BENSON: Come on, Clayton, it's on you.

El foldo.

BENSON: Governor?

One big red one.

I see you a dime and raise you a quarter.

On you, Pete, .

Okay, tell me again. Does a flush beat a straight?

BENSON: Yes.

And a full house beats a flush? BENSON: Right.

Okay, I'll see your cents.

Pair of sixes.

Wait a minute, Kraus hasn't bet yet.

She's only got two fours.

You looked at my hand.

I saved you cents.

You stood pat with a pair of sixes

and I folded with a pair of Jacks.

I was bluffing.

[PETE CHUCKLES]

Come on, Governor, it's between you and me.

Okay, I'll see you.

I really hate to do this to you, Benson.

I have a straight.

You have a straight? You took three cards.

Yeah, I saved the and .

I don't know, it just felt right.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

I'm down $.

And I'm up bucks.

You lost every hand, how can you be ahead?

He's playing with your chips.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]