08x12 - Thammy the Thongwriter

[bunniefuu]

Well, we're movin'
on up

To the East Side

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

What's the matter?

Well, it's kind of
like passing by
a bad accident, you know.

You stop and you look,
you want to keep going,

but something makes
you look again. Ugh!

I'm gonna just ignore that.

I'm just gonna sit here,

drink my coffee and
finish reading my paper.

Then I'm going to get up

and pluck out them
five hairs you got left
on the top of your head.

Hey, we finally got a
postcard from Mr. Bentley.

Oh, Bentley!
Mr. Bentley!

This is the first we
heard from him since
he was transferred,

and I can't wait to read it!

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. J
and Florence...

"You know, when I found out
that my lady friend, Francine,

"was an ambassador's wife,
I was afraid that her husband

"would have me transferred
to some place terrible.

"I was wrong.

"Here I am, nestled in the
mountains of the Soviet Union.

"Ta, ta for now.
I'll write you a letter
when my hand heals.

"You see, Francine
broke my heart,

"but her husband
broke my thumbs."

Oh, excuse me, I...

Sammy!
George!

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm moving
in next door.

You're moving into
Bentley's apartment?

No, it's my apartment.

Hey, come on in. Hey, I want
you to meet everybody.

Hey, this is my wife Louise.

Hello.
Hi.

And this is my
ulcer, Florence.

Hello.
Hello.

This is Sammy Gelson.
He's a great songwriter.

Weezy, he wrote that
song I sang for you
on Valentine's Day.

Oh, really? It's a
beautiful song.

Oh, thanks, but it
really gave me a few
anxious moments.

You know, I had a heck of a
time trying to find a word
that rhymes with Weezy.

Believe me, it wasn't easy.

So what are you
doing here, Sammy?

Well, I just dropped
in to ask my new
neighbors a favor.

Could I leave a little
something here

while my furniture's
being arranged?

Of course, Sammy. No problem.

Oh good! I really
appreciate this.

Bring it in, boys.

Careful, right there.
Put it right over there,
by the table there.

Isn't it a beauty?
Ah...

Uh, yes. And look how
well it goes with my
brand new furniture.

Yes, that is lucky.

By the way, you know
that baby has been with
me for years.

Almost as long as my
beautiful wife Agnes.

Oh, yeah, Agnes!
You told me about her.

We gotta meet Agnes, Weezy.
She ain't got no teeth!

How charming.

Would you like to
see her picture?
Uh, yeah.

You want to take a
look at my wife?

Louise, don't be upset.

No matter what they think,
I like your furniture.

So, Sammy, your love song
business must be booming, huh?

Well, not exactly.

I'm ashamed to say it,
but I've sold out.

I'm making a fortune
writing jingles.

Jingles?
You mean commercials?

No kidding.
Which ones?

Well, I wrote the jingle
for Boot Hill Bug Spray.

Boot Hill Bug Spray?
But I love that tune,
I hum it all the time!

Really? I guess it is one
of my jumpier numbers.

That's the one that
really got me started.

Boot Hill Bug Spray
here's the plan

If the spray don't k*ll 'em
crush 'em with the can

BOTH:

You know I'm crazy
about that song.

But if we're talking
commercials' greatest hits,

now this is my
all-time favorite...

"So you say you're in pain
'Cause you've got a bad stain"

"On that shirt Mama gave
you for Christmas?"

"And you say you've got dirt
on your favorite skirt"

"And you're thinking of
slitting your wrists, Miss?"

"Well, hold on!
'Cause you can..."

Take your dirty clothes
to Cunningham

Take your dirty clothes
to Cunningham

And they'll come back
cunning clean

Hey, you know it!

Know it? I wrote it.

Oh, Sammy, it's so catchy!

Weezy, come on! You
know Cunningham is my
biggest competitor!

Oh, I'm sorry, George.

Now if you two will excuse me,

I've got some things to do.

Oh, wait for me, 'cause I've
got some laundry to finish.

Or maybe we ought to
take it to Cunningham.

"He's your man..."
"Cunningham."

Take your dirty clothes
to Cunningham

Take your dirty clothes
to Cunningham

And they'll come back
cunning clean

Traitors!

Sammy, you wrote a great
jingle for Cunningham,

I want you to write
a better one for me.

George, I'm afraid
I'm just not in the
mood to write today.

What are you talking
about? All you need is
a little inspiration.

Here I'll help you along.
Give me a note.

What key?

I don't know, one
of the black ones.

Don't go to Cunningham
he's a bald incompetent jerk

He cleans and cleans
and cleans all day

Well?
What do you think?

It stinks.

That's why I need you,
you're the pro.

Hit it, Sammy!

Okay, here goes.

Hey! I like that!

"We beg for business!"

Sammy, you're a genius!

It's Agnes, George.

My Agnes.

She left me, George.

She ran away and left me.

Oh, my God, Sammy.
I'm sorry.

Mmm.

Now, about my jingle...

I can't write.

I can't do anything
without Agnes.

Sure, you look at
my face and you say,

"Now, there's a happy guy."

But inside beats a heart
filled with pain.

That rhymes with "stain!"

All right. So why did
Agnes leave you?

Why?

Why, why, why, why, why?

I've asked myself that
question a thousand times.

I don't know why.

I don't think even
Agnes knows why.

And I'm sure that -year-old
cabana boy that she shacked up
with in Vegas doesn't know.

Who knows what goes
through a woman's mind?

Somehow, I must have failed
her. What am I going to do?

She was my life,
my inspiration,
my reason for being.

Now all I have left of
Agnes is a beautiful memory.

And her teeth.

I'll never forget
with gums glistening and wet

She said,
"Tho long, Thammy..."

Ugh.

Listen, Sammy.
I know you're hurting.

I mean, I saw
Agnes' picture.

I mean, I mean...

I can imagine how tough it is
to lose a woman like that.

But see, I need a jingle.

George, I'm afraid that
I'll never write again.

But, Sammy...

All I want to do now

is go home,

unpack Agnes' teeth,

and remember the good times.

Wait, Sam, uh, look!
Uh, uh...

Hey, why don't you
bring her teeth over here?

I got a WaterPik!

Damn!

George, where's Sammy?

He's over his apartment
cryin'

'cause his old,
ugly wife left him.

Very sensitively put, George.

Poor Sammy.
He must be miserable.

It's terrible to be alone.

To be without someone
to share things with.

Without someone to
listen to you talk.

Wouldn't that be
terrible, George?

George?

Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Weez.

I wasn't listening. Look...

I decided that I'm not
gonna rest

until I help
Sammy over his tough period.

He's calling for help,

and George Jefferson is
picking up the phone.

And doing what with it?

I gotta go tell
Sammy to get ready.

For what?

Look, Weezy, the best way
to get over an old woman

is to get yourself
a new one, right?

I don't think so.

What? What do you
know about women?

Look, I'm taking Sammy
to a singles bar.

I'm not sure that's a
very good idea either.

Well, I think it's
a great idea.

Look, that place is crawling
with lonely, desperate women.

And any man'll do.

Don't wait up for me.

I won't have to.
I'm going with you.

Somehow, I knew you would.

Florence, guess what?

I'm going to a
singles bar tonight!

Oh, finally gonna get
yourself another man, huh?

Just remember one thing.
What?

Now, you already had dark.

This time look for
tall and handsome.

Hey, look, Sammy. There's
a lot of action here, huh?

Yeah.

Let's go home.

Hey, give the place a chance!

Oh, George, look around.
Use your eyes.

There's nobody here who could
measure up to my Agnes.

Beauty is in the eyes
of the beholder.

And behold that
stuff over there!

You know, if I wasn't
married, I'd...

You'd what, George?

I'd wish I was.

To you, sweetheart.

Well, Sammy, check it out.

Go talk to her.

What will I say to her?

You'll think of something!

Hi.

Wanna see a picture
of my wife?

Uh, I'll be right here
if you want to chat.

George, she wasn't for me.
There's no magic there.

Sammy, this is a singles bar.

These women don't want to see
no picture of your wife.

Well, if that's their
attitude, I'm going home.

Wait a minute, look,
you're not even trying.

Why don't you just walk up
and ask somebody to dance?

George, I'm rusty.
I don't know what to say.

It's easy. All you gotta do is
say, "Hey, you wanna dance?"

Sure, sugar, come on.

Hey, Weez.

See, there's nothing to it.

Well, that's easy
for you, George,

but I have trouble
meeting new people.

Oh, yeah?
Look over there.

That girl is staring at you.

Why?

She likes you.

Why?

I don't know! Look...

Can't you see that
look in her eyes?

Can't you see what
her eyes are saying?
Nope.

They're saying,
"Take me, you stallion."

What else are they saying?

They're saying, "Look,"

"the stallion is
talking to a jackass."

Are they saying
anything else?

Go get her, Sammy.

George, why don't you
let Sammy get over
Agnes in his own way,

in his own time?
Why are you pushing
him so hard?

Because I already reserved
the air time for the jingle

that Sammy's gonna
write for me.

Oh, so that's it.

You're using Sammy.

You're just trying
to squeeze a jingle
out of him.

You don't care about
his feelings at all!

Sure, Weezy, put it like that,
I sound like a bad guy.

Don't you realize?

Getting a jingle
isn't that important.

After all, it's only money.

Only money?

Don't you know
that's something poor
people tell each other

so they can sleep at night?

George, I'm going to
the ladies' room.
Good, here.

Take this pen with you.

Write Sammy's name and
number on the bathroom wall.

Hey, Sammy, how'd did you
make out with that girl?

She thinks I'm cute.
Not bad.

She invited me to her place.
Not bad!

It's gonna cost me
bucks.

Not bad.

George, there's nobody
for me except Agnes.

Look, wait a minute,
I got a better idea.

Hey, bartender!

Yeah, what can I
do for you guys?

Look, my friend here is having
trouble meeting women.

No kidding?

Look, you're here
every night, right?

So I figured you've
developed a knack

for spotting
desperate women.

Well, I don't like to
brag, but I can always
spot a hungry woman.

Ah, good!

Then take a look around.

Can you see one that's
really starving?

Yeah, her.

What!

Sure she may be wearing
a wedding ring,

but she's got "Hiya, sailor,"
written all over her.

That woman happens
to be my wife!

I call 'em like I see 'em.

What's the matter?

Nothin, Weez. Look,
you're not allowed to
leave the house anymore.

And stay away from the docks!

George, is it okay
to leave now?

Look Sammy, Sammy.
Something will come along.

Hi.

Got a light?

Sorry, I don't smoke.

Neither do I. I just wanted
to set my hair on fire.

Well, I know what you mean.

I'm not having much
fun here, either.

Aw, that's too bad.

My wife,
my beautiful Agnes,

she ran away with
another man.

Oh, what am I doing here?

I'll never be able
to replace Agnes.

This was a terrible idea.

Nice meeting you.

Hey, Sammy!

Wow. Everybody
here is so weird.

Oh, please, George.
Let me go home.

You know, Agnes was the best

and once you had the best,
nothing else will do.

Look, Sammy, come on and
sit down, will you just
listen to me, please?

Look, it's about time you
started learning something.

It's not natural for a
man to spend his whole
life with one woman.

Except you, sweetheart.

I know Agnes wasn't perfect.

But after years, I
mean, you get accustomed
to a woman's faults.

Don't I know it?

I mean, how would I
know it, sweetheart.

Sammy, excuse me,
but I'm going to
get ready for bed.

And George?
Yeah, Weez?

I'll be waiting up for you.

What for?

Nothing, as usual,
sweetheart.

George, I don't want to
burden you with my troubles.

Hey, that's what friends
are for. And, we are
friends, right?

So let me burden you.
Give me a jingle.

Think music.

Yeah, now...

Think, Jefferson Cleaners...

Jefferson Cleaners
they're the best

Terrific! Now what
comes to mind?

I remember honeymooning
with Agnes...

In a cabin by the woods.

Any drycleaners
in those woods?

We were sipping wine
by a crackling fire,

listening to the wind

rustling through the trees.

Agnes looked in
my eyes, and said,

"Uncle Miltie's on."

And I looked at her, and said.

"Let's watch him."

Oh, God, what a night.

Tell me, George, what did
I do to drive Agnes away?

That's it. I've heard
enough. Now, look!

Now, Agnes ran out on you
and you're sitting there
taking the blame.

It couldn't have
been Agnes' fault.

It was her fault! She's the
one waltzing around in Vegas
with that cabana boy!

Yes, but...

And it wasn't you that said,
"Tho long, Agneth."

It was her that said,
"Tho long, Thammy..."

You gave her your love
for years, right?
And what did she do?

She stomps on you and
leaves you with nothing!

That hussy.
Right!

But instead of
being mad at her,

you're sitting here
blaming yourself.

Well, not anymore!

After all, I've got my pride.

Atta way, Sammy.

I should have realized that
when Agnes walked out on me,

it was her loss!

Right!

Oh, so long, Agnes,
so long

You were wrong, Agnes,
so wrong

You played me for a fool
how could you be so cruel?

So long, Agnes,
so long hey!

Now I'm strong, Agnes
so strong

I wanna get across
that, baby, it's your loss

One more time!

Sammy, you can write again!

You're right, I can!

I can feel the power
surging through me.

There's nothing I can't do!

Great!
Write me a jingle.

That's the one
thing I can't do.
Why?

Well, ah, didn't...
I'm sorry.

My attorney told me
there's a clause in my
contract with Cunningham.

I can't write jingles for
any of his competitors.

I'm sorry.

Sorry? You came to
me a broken wreck.

And I put the gleam
back in your eye,

I put the wiggle
back in your walk,

I put the song
back in your heart.

And I'll never forget it.
You saved my life.

You're aces with me, fella.

You know, I feel
like a new man.

From now on, it's gonna
be the fast lane for me.

Look out, world, here
comes Sammy Gelson!

Wait, Sammy, wait...

Sure, I still miss Agnes.

But by golly, there's
a whole lot of fish
in the sea,

and I'm gonna charter
me a tuna boat!

George, there's
something I want to say.

What, Sammy?

I'm proud to be
your neighbor.

Thank you, Sammy. There's
something I want to say too.

What?

Ah, what's the matter
Mr. Jefferson? Are you sad?

Yeah.

Well, maybe this
will cheer you up.

Take your dirty clothes
to Cunningham