05x02 - The Physical

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, I Just Finished
Your Sandwich For Lunch.

Would You Like
A Pickle?

I Can't Eat All That.

I'm Just A Little Person.

Well, Why Don't You Show Dad
How Much You'd Like To Take?

Only About That Much.

Is That It?

All Right, Dad Will
Cut That For You.

There You Are,
My Dear

And I'll Just Have A Small Piece
Of What's Left For Myself.

Is It Possible
That When We Leave

You'll Inhale
That Whole Thing?

No.

Dad Made Me Bacon
Yesterday.

He Ate So Much Of It
I Only Got One Slice.

When He Took Me And Peter
To The Park

He Bought Each Of Us
An Ice Cream Cone

And Took Big Bites
Out Of Them.

That's Dad.

Then Bought Himself
A Giant Banana Split.

It Wasn't A Giant.

Uh-Huh, Four Scoops.

That's A Medium.

Theo:
Denise, You
Are So Lucky

To Be Working At
A Record Company.

No Big Deal.

It Happens Every Day.

Whoa, All Right.

Thanks, Dad.

Guess Who's Coming To
Denise's Record Company Today?

Quincy Jones.

He's Famous.

Quincy Jones

Is The Hottest Record Producer
In The Business.

I Know Who
Quincy Jones Is.

Is He Really Coming In Today?

People Like Him Come In
All The Time.

Tina Turner
Came In Yesterday.

Wow!

Dad, Tina Turner...

I Know Who
Tina Turner Is.

I Knew Tina Turner

When She Was Rolling
On The River.

What's She Really Like?

She's Really
Down-To-Earth

And I Enjoyed
Talking To Her.

You Talked To Her?

What Did You
Talk About?

I Brought Coffee
And She Said

"This Is Good.
Thanks."

Vanessa:
She's A Beautiful Person.

Hey, Thanks, Dad.

Denise, I Don't Know
How You Can Keep Your Cool

When You're Around
All These Superstars.

I've Got
To Get To Work.

Can I Drop You Guys
At School?

Could We Go To The Studio
And Meet Quincy, Too?

No, You're Not Going
To Any Studio.

You've All Lost Your Mind.

You Drive Them To School

And Only Talk About Math
And English.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, Mom.

I Can't Finish This.

Good.

All Right.

So I'll Just Take It
To School.

Thanks, Dad.

Bye, Mom.

Clair:
Bye, Sweetie.

Cliff, What Are You Doing?

Uh... Just Going To Put
A Grapefruit On This.

Grapefruit--

Health, Dear.

The Last Time You Had Grapefruit

You'd Been On A Food Binge
All Weekend.

Have You Seen Me Eat Anything
You Think I Shouldn't Have?

No, But I Didn't See The Sun
Come Up In China

But I Know
It's There.

Dr. Herbert's Office Called
To Remind You

Of Your Physical Tomorrow.

Ah, I Forgot About
That Physical.

You're Supposed To Fast
For Hours Before

So Your System Is Clean
For The Blood Test.

I Know I'm Supposed To Fast
Hours Before.

I Am A Doctor.

But The Best Doctors
Make The Worst Patients.

Eat On, Doc.

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

What Are You Doing?

Cleansing Out My System.

I Have Something Here
Your System Will Enjoy

Much More Than Carrots
And Celery.

I Went Down
To Your Office

And I Got The Other Half
Of The Cheesecake

We Were Eating
This Weekend.

Oh, Boy, That
Really Looks Good.

Want Some?

It's Even Better
The Second Day.

No.

No, I Can't Do That.

I've Got A Physical Tomorrow.

I've Got To Flush
All Of The Fatty Foods

Out Of My System.

Oh, Fine.

I'll Just Polish It Off Myself.

No, No, No.

No, After Tomorrow

I Can Eat Anything I Want.

I Just Don't Want The Blood Test
To Show Anything

Because Your Mother Will Know
What I've Been Eating.

You're Afraid Of Her

Aren't You?

We Can Discuss That Later.

Right Now,
Four Glasses Of Water Calls.

Dad, Wait.

I Have To
Talk To You.

Make It Quick.

I Hear You're Having
A Physical Tomorrow.

Yeah.

Wait, Daddy.

What?

They Use A Needle
For The Blood Test, Right?

Right.

You Know What I Do
When I Get A Shot?

What?

When The Doctor Says

"I'm Putting The Needle In"

I Fill My Mouth With Air

And When He Sticks Me,
I Let It All Out

And Pretend I'm A Balloon.

I'll Remember That.

Daddy, Wait.

What?

If You Don't Pass
The Physical Tomorrow

Will We Have To Put You
In A Home?

Not Yet.

Cliff?

Hmm?

Here's The Herbal Tea
You Wanted.

Thank You.

The Final Stage
Of Flushing My System.

Hi.

Hey, How Was The Day
With Quincy Jones?

I Wouldn't Know.

Oh?

I Only Saw The Back Of His Head.

They Rushed Him Into The Studio
And Shut The Door.

About Six Hours Later,
My Boss Comes Out And Says

"Denise, We're Going To Lunch
At The Four Seasons.

Please Make Reservations."

I Said, "That's Great.
I've Never Been There."

He Sort Of
Laughed In My Face

And Said, "You're Not Going
Anywhere.

You're Staying Here
And Answering Phones."

I've Been There
Three Weeks

And I'm Still Doing
The Same Job.

I'm As Good At Answering Phones
And Making Coffee

As I'm Going To Get.

You Should Keep At It.

When You Do It Well

People Notice And Move You
To The Next Level.

These People
Only Notice Mistakes.

What Mistakes Have You Made?

Hundreds Of Phone Calls
Come In Every Day.

It's Impossible
To Keep Them All Straight.

Like Yesterday

This Producer
Gets This Phone Call

And The Last Four Digits
Were Like - - -

And I Wrote Down - - - ,
Right?

All The Digits Were There.

I Mean, Big Deal.

This Man Has A Conniption.

I Dial All The Combinations
And Get The Number Right.

Does That Stop Him From Yelling?

Since I've Been There

I've Gotten Maybe
A Thousand Phone Calls

And I've Gotten Only ...
Of Them Wrong.

Does Anyone Congratulate Me
For The That I Got Right?

I'm Going Upstairs
To Take A Hot Bath.

Charlene Called.

She'll Be Up Till : .

Oh, You Mean Charlotte?

Yeah, Charlotte.

Thank You, Mom.

I Appreciate It.

See, I'm Grateful
When Someone

Gives Me A Message.

And When I Correct Them,
I'm Polite.

Are These People At Work
Polite Or Grateful?

No, They're Too Busy
Having Lunch

Eating Lobster
At The Four Seasons.

They Want To Keep Me Down.

They're Afraid Of Me.

When She Said She Wasn't
Going Back To College

I Said, "Denise, I Don't Think
This Is A Wise Decision."

She Said, "Dad, Please,
I Know What I'm Doing."

I Want To Go Upstairs,
Really I Do

And I Want To Walk Up
To Her And Say

"I Told You So."

No, You Don't Do That.

Could I Just Write On
A Piece Of Paper

"I Told You So."

Slide It
Under The Bathroom Door?

No.

Can I Rent An Airplane

And Have A Sign
On The Back Of It

And Pull It Across The Window

And Say, "I Told You So."

You Eat Your Grapefruit.

I'm Going To Finish
My Grapefruit.

I'm Going To Take The Seeds
Up To The Hallway.

I'm Going To Line Up Every Seed
And Spell Out

"I Told You So."

I'm Going To Go

To The Pet Store

And I'm Buying A Parrot

And I'm Going To Teach It
To Say

"Awk, I Told You So."

"Awk, I Told You So."

Well...

I See An Old Man Ready
To Get On The Treadmill.

Old Man, Huh?

When I Finish This,
I'll Take You Outside

And We'll Do A -Meter Run.

I'll End Up
Doing C.P.R. On You.

Yeah, Right, Cliff.

Do You Always
Carry On Like This?

Ever Since We've
Been Interns Together.

You Need Some Help
Getting On The Treadmill, Pops?

Hey, No, Wait.

Don't Turn The Thing On.

What Is The Matter With You?

You Know You Shouldn't Stand
On The Machine Like That.

I Deal With Pregnant Women.

I Don't Put Pregnant Women
On A Thing Like This.

Mrs. Young, What Was
Dr. Huxtable's Blood Pressure?

Over .

Right On The Money.

Oh, Yeah, Definitely.

We Start You Off
Slow And Easy.

Then We Gradually Increase
The Speed And Level Of Incline.

If You Feel Chest Pains
Or Real Heavy Fatigue

Just Give Us A Signal.

All Right.

Hit It.

Take It To
The Next Level.

Oh, We're Really
Burning Now.

Why Don't You Go Ahead
And Do Something Else?

I'll Call You When
The Machine Is Burned Up.

How You Feeling?

Perfect.

No Problems?

Want To
Keep Going?

Yeah.

How Long Have I Been
Up On This Thing?

Seven Minutes.

Anybody Else Been
On It This Long?

Yesterday A Man
Went Minutes.

How Old Was He?

Sixty-Three.

Sixty-Three?

Cliff, You Know
How This Works.

When You Hear The Tone Indicate
Which Ear By Raising That Hand.

All Done, Cliff.

How Did I Do?

You Only Missed Three Tones.

Three What?

Turn The Machine
On Again.

Your Hearing Is Perfectly
Normal For A Man Your Age.

I Don't Want Normal For My Age.

I Want To Catch
Those Other Three.

Tell Me I Can't
Catch The Three.

No, You Got
Those Three

Plus Five That
Weren't Even There.

In All Seriousness,
What Kind Of Shape Am I In?

Overall, You're
In Pretty Good Shape.

Good.

A Couple Of Things On
Your Blood Test Concern Me.

I Know What It Is.

My Cholesterol Level
Is Slightly High.

Right, And Because It Was High,
I Had Them Do A Lipid Profile.

Your Triglycerides Are At .

Your L.D.L. Is At

And Your H.D.L. Is .

I Had A Little Binge.

What Kind Of Binge?

Over The Weekend...

I Have A Love For Hoagies.

I Take The Hoagie
With The Cold Cuts

And Then I Put Potato Chips
In The Middle

To Hear The Crunchy Sound.

Philadelphia Style.

Yes.

I Love It.

Don't Worry.

One Hoagie Does Not
Constitute A Binge.

Four.

Four?

Four.

You Had Four Hoagies
Over The Weekend?

No, On Saturday.

I Had Four On Saturday

With A Large Bottle
Of Chocolate Soda

With Each Hoagie.

You Had Four Large Bottles
Of Chocolate Soda?

Well, Five Really.

Then I Had Another One On Sunday

With A Half A Cheesecake.

You Ate A Half A Cheesecake?

Yeah, Well, See,
I Have These Patients...

You Have Patients

And Some Of Them, You Know,
They Bake Things For You

And This Woman Baked
A Cheesecake For Me And...

Was It One Of Those
Thick Cheesecakes

With The Strawberries On Top
With The Crunchy Crust?

You Know What Else She Did?

She Made It So That
The Swirl Went Around.

Mmm.

Then What You Think Is That

Your Cholesterol
And Your Triglyceride Level

Might Have Been Affected By
These Four Hoagies

Five Chocolate Sodas
And The Half A Cheesecake?

And Then On Friday...

Cliff, You're A Doctor.

You Know Better Than That.

I Promise You The Next Time
It Will Be Better.

I Know About Guys Like You.

You Say You'll Only
Eat One Hoagie.

You'll Only Eat
One Piece Of Cheesecake.

You Can't Stop.

You're Like That Wolf Who Eats
His First Sheep From The Flock.

The Only Way To Stop Him
Is To sh**t Him.

I Have Something
To Ask You.

Go Ahead.

How Did Your
Physical Go Today?

Well, I Mean What
Is There To Say?

The Man Stuck Me.

He Jabbed Me

And Then He Poked Me

And Then He Said,
"Tell Clair I Said Hello."

That's It?

( Knocking )

Who Is It?

It's Denise.

Is This A Bad Time?

Yes.

No, Come In And Talk.

Hi.

Something Incredible
Happened To Me Today.

You Produced A Record With
Quincy Jones And Tina Turner.

No, I Asked My Boss
For A Promotion.

He Said, "You've Only Been
Here Three Weeks."

I Said, "You're Not Using Me
To My Full Capabilities.

You're Not Recognizing
My True Talents."

Yeah.

And He Said, "You're Fired.

Get Out Of My Office."

This Is
Your Incredible News?

Well, No.

I'm Not Done Yet.

I Went To This Restaurant
And I Was Depressed.

I Was Eating By Myself

And I Ordered An Entire Pizza
And A Milk Shake.

That Made Me Think Of Dad.

I Said, "What Would Dad Do
If He Had Been Fired

And Had No Hope For The Future?"

He'd Have Gone
To Medical School.

Exactly.

You'd Pick Yourself Up
And Dust Yourself Off

Because You're
A Huxtable.

I'm A Huxtable,
And That's Exactly What I Did.

I Went To That
Restaurant Manager And Said

"My Name's Denise And I Will Be
The Best Waitress

That You
Ever Had."

So I'm A Waitress.

Had Those Pizzas
On Those Tables So Quick

I Made $ In Tips Tonight.

I've Borrowed
A Lot Of Money From You

So I Want You
To Have My Tips.

We Can't Take Your $ .

You Want To Bet?

I Didn't Think
You'd Really Take It.

I'll Put This Away In Some Kind
Of An Account For You

'Cause I Know
You'll Be Back.

I Don't Want You To Think I've
Chosen This As My Final Career.

It's Temporary Until
I Find Something More Permanent

In Fashion Or Music.

Good Night.

But I Would Not Be Surprised
If A Record Producer

Or A Great Fashion Designer

Walked Into My Restaurant
And Said

"I Like The Way You Deliver
Those Pizzas.

Come Work For Me."

See You Later.

Well, Hope Springs Eternal.

Yes, As Long As You're Living
With Your Parents.

Good Night, Clair.

You Haven't Answered
My Question.

Yes, I Love You.

I Know

But The Question Is
How Did Your Physical Go?

Before You Answer

You Should Know I Called
Dr. Bradley Herbert Jr.'S Office

And Was Told You're Scheduled
For Another Blood Test

In Three Months

And You're On A Strict Diet.

Things Are Not Good.

How "Not Good"?

Let's Put It This Way:

I'm Not Dead.

You Need Some Help?

Clair, My Levels
Are Off, Honey.

My H.D.L., My L.D.L.,
My C.B.C.

I'll Help Your Levels.

Will You Help Me Burn My Lipids?

They Will Burn.

Will You Help Me
Raise My H.D.L.?

They're On The Rise.

After That,
Will You Lower My L.D.L.?

Cliff, Move Over Here P.D.Q.
For Some T.N.T.