03x17 - Hello, Columbus

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[BARKING]

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NARRATOR: In ,

Christopher Columbus set forth

on a second voyage of exploration

in the New World.

Nearly years later,

Sister Bertrille embarked on a project

almost as ambitious.

A pageant reenacting the great moment

when Columbus first set foot on our island of Puerto Rico.

Columbus had to contend with stormy seas, leaky ships

and an island full of possibly hostile Indians.

You'd think he had troubles.

Manuel, make your entrance.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Oh, Sister Bertrille,

Manuel is in the hospital in San Tanco.

The hospital? What happened?

He got the mumps.

Oh, swell.

We open in two weeks and our star has the mumps.

Take five.

Take five what?

That's a showbiz expression.

It means relax while I try and figure this out.

Oh, well...

The convent's loaded with talent. What's to worry about?

NARRATOR: "What's to worry about?" is not a showbiz expression.

It was first uttered by the skipper of theTitanic.

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the Casino Carlos,

Señor Ramirez was having troubles of his own.

Luis is back at the casino.

Luis is back at the casino.[SCOFFS]

But I thought he was so happy running the dry goods store.

Well, he says that now that the tourist season is on hand,

his first loyalty is to you, his dear cousin.

Yeah.

Also, the store went bankrupt.

[SIGHS]

So Luis is back.

[SIGHS]

So Luis is back.

Well, we haven't had a hurricane in three years.

We're due for a disaster.

Well, he's still my cousin.

We just have to find a place for him.

The kitchen staff has done so.

They have locked him in the meat refrigerator.

Is he making trouble again?

This morning he told the chef

that his sauce Marguery tasted like library paste.

Oh, no. And he also added

a few artistic improvements of his own

to a wedding cake that Anton was decorating.

That Luis is really something else.

Yes, he is. Now we have to figure out what.

Well, I just have to get him out of the refrigerator.

He is safer inside.

The chef said something

about cooking Luis tonight as the main course.

Well, he always wanted us to name a dish after him.

I haven't told you the bad part though.

Oh. Up until now, you were just trying

to make me feel good, huh? What is it?

The kitchen staff delivered an ultimatum.

Either Luis goes or else...

They do this to me now with all the tourists coming?

Hello. Lovely morning, isn't it?

Not for people with relatives.

Hello, Roberto. Hello, Carlos.

Hello. I bet you'll never guess

why I'm here.Oh, yes.

You want something, Sister,

and did you pick the wrong day.

You're wrong. I've come to give you something.

Tickets to our convent pageant.

Two for you and two for you.

Ooh. Thank you, good Sister.

Nice.

Very nice.

You will consider what we discussed?

I am considering.

You haven't asked what the pageant's about.

What pageant? It's the reenactment

of Columbus' discovery of Puerto Rico.

He should have remained in Spain.

Oh, it's just gonna be a smash.

If we could only find a Columbus. Yeah.

Manuel got the mumps.

We tried Pepi, but he has a lisp.

And Sanchez was short. Okay.

Then Jose's voice is voice is... All right. Okay, okay.

Sister, would you please excuse me?

I have to go hit my head against the wall.

Carlos, is something wrong? Oh, no.

It's just that the house is on fire

and my whole staff is quitting,

and now you want me to worry

about who's gonna play Columbus in a--

Just a moment.

You need a Columbus?

Do we ever.

Don't move.

I am flattered that you want me to portray

such a distinguished character.

But my place is here with Carlos.

But it'll be such an important event on the island.

We've invited the mayor and the governor.

Celebrities are coming?

Ah. The VIPiest.

And it's for the convent fund.

But I'm not an actor.

Oh, Luis, come on. Have you forgotten?

In high school,

he played the lead in Peter Pan.

Oh. You still remember my Peter Pan, Carlos?

How could I forget?

You were incredible.

Flying all over the place.

Oh, darn, I wish I'd brought a script with me

so I can hear him read.

We don't need it. Here, read this.

The menu?

You can excite an audience

just reading a telephone book.

"Consommé avec croutons,

onion soup, fried chicken Maryland,

pot roast with potato pancakes.

That's enough.

Isn't he magnificent?

Well, he does have a nice loud voice.

It is settled. Sister Bertrille, here you have your Columbus.

Oh.

Well, the sisters will be so pleased.

The kitchen staff will be delighted.

NARRATOR: The whole convent pitched in

to build a proper stage for the pageant.

And naturally, the Reverend Mother and I

were thrilled when we heard who was going to play Columbus.

Luis?

Luis?

That's what I said too.

But I'm sure that he'll be just fine on the night. Heh.

I'll pray to that.

Well, I want you to see the sets.

Sister Sixto, open the curtain.

Robert.

No, that's roger.

Pull, Sister, pull.

I'm pulling.

[CHUCKLES]

It'll be just fine on the night.

Sister Sixto, why don't you drop in the harbor set?

I can't wait to see it.

Lovely.

Where is Columbus' fleet?

Sister Sixto? Yes.

Where are the boats? Boats?

Heh. Columbus' fleet.

What's a horse doing there? You asked for it.

You said a big Spanish stallion.

Not Spanish stallion. Spanish galleon.

Well, it looks a little snug.

But only when I breathe.

Well, I bet you didn't know Columbus wore mini pants.

No, I didn't. No, you didn't.

Here's the hat.

Oh.

How do I look? You'll be fine on the night.

Mm.

Sister Bertrille, may I talk to you privately?

Yes. Sister Ana,

will you please excuse us? Sure.

Sister Bertrille,

I don't think I want to appear in this mini pants.

I look ridiculous.

Oh, it'll be fine.

All it needs is to be fixed a little bit--

Oh. You see? It's all made of shreds and patches.

Well, it just needs a little bit of stitching.

Sister Bertrille,

you told me the governor is coming,

and the mayor.

I'm gonna be the laughingstock.

Luis, just trust me.

I trust you.Okay.

Sister Bertrille? Yes.

You know, I'm a very reasonable man.

Yes. And I wish the pageant well...

Oh. ...but

will you please accept my immediate resignation.

Eh?

This pâté is sensational.

My compliments to the chef.

He sends his compliments to you for removing Luis.

You know, Luis is a very sweet person.

But it does make a difference not having him around.

Si.When he leaves a room, the flowers start to grow.

LUIS: I have returned.

Luis, why aren't at the rehearsal?

I quit.Quit?

Look at the costume they gave me.

I wouldn't wear it to a revolution.

Luis, did anyone see you

enter the casino? No, I don't think so.

Good luck, señor.

Luis, what is this foolishness?

Well, I'm a very reasonable man,

but you can't expect me

to appear before the elite of Puerto Rico

in a schoolboy costume.

You are absolutely right.

I knew you would understand.

You are portraying the great Columbus.

You must be dressed as a captain should.

Admiral. Admiral.

I will call the costume company

and tell them to provide you with a splendid uniform.

Oh. You are a fine man, Carlos.

Now go tell the Sisters you have reconsidered.

I go.

Oh. One more thing.

Do you think it will be right for me

to appear in such a splendid costume

while the other actors are in patches?

You are absolutely right.

I will supply costumes for the entire company.

The stagehands too.

Oh, that's nice.

Thank you, Carlos.

Don't mention it. Farewell.

Farewell.

Oh. Carlos.

You do not think that I am an unreasonable man, huh?

To ask the question is to answer it.

[♪♪♪]

Luis, it's just wonderful about the new costumes...

Ah, it was nothing.

Well, can we rehearse now?

Yes, I'm ready. Okay.

Uh, I think we'll start

with the big scene with Queen Isabella. Okay?

Uh, Queen Isabella.

This is Queen Isabella?

Well, actually, it's Tina Gonzales.

Tina, this is Señor Ramirez.

Pleased to meet you.

May I speak to you?

Privately. Oh.

Excuse us, Tina. Sure.

NARRATOR: In the immortal words of Irving Berlin,

"There's no business like pageant business."

NARRATOR: Like his cousin Luis,

Carlos is a very reasonable man.

So when Sister Bertrille told him

that Luis was coming back to the casino,

he took it very reasonably.

I will k*ll myself.

And I will k*ll Luis too.

Well, Carlos, you can't really blame Luis.

I mean, he does look rather silly next to little Tina.

Why don't you find him another Isabella?

Why can't you play? Or some of the other Sisters?

Well, I told you. I'm directing, Sister Sixto is stage managing,

Okay. Sister Ana's on props,

Okay. Sister Maria...

Okay. I withdraw the question.

It's not really a big deal, Carlos.

I mean, all we need to satisfy Luis

is get him a full-grown Isabella.

Is that all?

This book is loaded with girls

that are full-grown, in every way.

I bet. Anna, Antonia,

Blanca...

Carla. She'll do it.

She's my sl*ve.

[ROTARY DIAL WHIRRING]

Hello.

Oh-- May I talk to Carla, please?

This is Carlos Ramirez.

Sorry, wrong Carla.

Carla's husband.

Exit Carla.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Señor Ramirez? Yes?

I am Marta Vargas.

The temporary bookkeeper?

Señor Roberto said to come in for my salary.

But of course.

Miss Vargas,

how would you like to be in a pageant?

About Columbus. You are the perfect Isabella.

MARTA: Me? Perfect.

Oh, no. I could not be an actor.

Of course you can be an actress.

Oh-- I could not even be an amateur.

CARLOS: Of course, you can be an amateur.

Of course you can. Where's the menu?

CARLOS: We don't need it.

I can see the talent is there.

No. I could not play someone like Queen Isabella.

Why not? Perfect casting.

Look. Beautiful.

Oh, señor.

Sister Bertrille, here is your Isabella.

MARTA: No. No, I--

CARLOS: It is settled.

You will receive your full temporary bookkeeper salary.

Until the pageant is over.

Oh.

Señor Ramirez, you--

You are a prince.

And you are every inch a queen.

[♪♪♪]

Luis has returned. SISTER: Oh.

Don't just stand there. Cheer a little.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Luis. So good to see you.

Thank you, Sisters.

Carlos tells me you have a new Isabella.

Oh, yes. You'll just adore her.

Is she...?

Oh. Like queen-size, yes.

Marta, why don't you come out and meet your leading man.

Luis, this is Marta Vargas.

Marta, this is Luis Ramirez.

How do you do?

[♪♪♪]

Well, let's get cracking.

We're way behind schedule.

Okay. Come on.

Okay, now, why don't we take it

from top of the court scene.

Okay, Luis, go.

Go where? No, I mean, say your lines.

Oh.

Most gracious and radiant queen.

Go on, Luis. Most gracious

and radiant queen...

I don't remember.

Here, use my script.

Thank you.

Most gracious and radiant...

Queen Isabella.

"He takes her hand."

No. That's the stage direction.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead, Luis. Take her hand.

I hardly know her.

Luis.

Here, Luis.

Most gracious and radiant queen.

Luis, she's a woman, not a red-hot poker.

Sister Bertrille, may I talk to you, privately?

He's being reasonable again.

[CHUCKLES]

So Luis is back on my back again.

Why?

Didn't he tell you?

He's fallen in love with Marta.

Good for him.

But why is he at the casino

when Marta is here at the convent?

He's so gone on here.

He can't stand to be near her.

What? I tell you, he's flipped out.

You should see the way he looks at her.

Well, why don't you let him stop looking and start romancing?

He can't. He's too shy.

Great.

South of the border,

there are million hot-blooded Latin lovers.

And then there's my cousin.

Peter Pan.

In my casino.

You know, I think something could happen

between Luis and Marta

if she only knew how he felt.Great.

Why don't you let him write her a letter?

Or sing a serenade under the window?

Oh, he can't do that.

But if someone would speak up for him...

Good. Why don't you speak up?

Me? I wouldn't know the first thing to say.

Now, it's a man's job. No.

You know, someone charming and agreeable and persuasive,

who knows just the right thing to say to a woman.

Sister Bertrille, I won't talk to her.

Carlos, he's your dear cousin. Don't remind me.

When we were little children together, I fed him.

And dressed him.

I even tied his shoelaces.

I should've tied him to a railroad track.

Okay. If that's the way you feel.

That's the way I feel.

I guess you'll just have to take him back

into the casino.

I will talk to Marta.

[♪♪♪]

Sister Bertrille say you want to see me?

Oh, yes.

Will you please sit down?

You know, I like your hair the new way.

Thank you. In fact,

you are a very beautiful woman, Miss Vargas.

Thank you. And please call me Marta.

Oh.

Marta, have you ever been in love?

Not-- No, not really.

In our little village, there are no eligible young men.

Well, it's different here in San Tanco.

Oh, I hope so.

In fact, in the short while you being here,

somebody has already fallen desperately in love with you.

Really? A very fine man.

From a very fine old family.

I can't believe it.

And he's also a good man. A sweet one.

Yes, that is very important.

Oh, yes. He's crazy. About you.

But why does he not say nothing to me?

Well, he might think

that maybe you don't feel the way he does.

Oh.

The poor man.

And so he has...

He has worshiped you from afar.

But the time has come for you to know who he is.

I think I do know, señor.

You do?

Yes.

And I love you too, Carlos.

Wonderful. Me?

Something told me you cared. No.

I sensed it when you took off my glasses

and said I was beautiful. I was telling you...

You do not hide your feelings anymore.

Bring them out into the sunlight.

Oh, no more talk, darling. Listen--

Kiss.

Carlos.

Carlos!Luis!

Will you please excuse me? Please.

Oops.

Luis! Luis!

NARRATOR: The following morning, Luis was seen

slipping into Carlos' boat and out to sea.

Sister Bertrille volunteered for rescue duty.

[♪♪♪]

Luis.

Sister, how did you get here?

That's not important. Why are you here?

I don't know.

And I don't care.

Carlos has stolen Marta from me.

Luis, that's not true.

I know. I saw it with my own eyes.

Carlos was kissing Marta.

But you're wrong.

Marta was kissing Carlos.

Well, that's even worse.

Oh. It wasn't Carlos' idea.

He was trying to tell Marta how much you love her.

Oh, of course.

And she was so happy to hear that,

she just grabbed Carlos and kissed him, right?

Well, I don't think that's quite how it happened.

It doesn't make any difference.

I am a failure in love, as in everything else.

So you're gonna fold up and run away?

Who cares what I do?

Carlos cares, and I care.

For goodness' sakes, you think you're the only man in the world

who's disappointed in love? It was lots of people.

Big important people. Oh, Sister, thank you

for making me feel better but-- Did you ever hear of a man

by the name of Dante? When he couldn't get Beatrice,

he sat down and wrote the Divine Comedy.

And did losing the girl he loves stop Edgar Allan Poe

or Abraham Lincoln or Johann Sebastian Bach or--

Bach?

He had two wives and children. Oh.

Well, see, it didn't stop him.

Oh, Luis, you can't quit.

We need you.

For what?

The pageant.[SCOFFS]

The pageant.

Yes. It opens tomorrow,

and we're all counting on you.

Well, I'm sorry, Sister,

but I'm not Pagliacci.

I cannot sing when my heart is breaking.

Luis.

The whole island is coming to see

Puerto Rico's glorious past.

And your past too.

Well, I bet you had an ancestor on that very boat with Columbus.

Yes. Paco Ramirez.You see?

He was seasick the whole time.

Well, did that stop him?

No.

You owe it to Paco.

Yes. You owe it Puerto Rico.

You think so?

You owe it to Columbus.

Behind him lay the gray Azores,

behind the gates of Hercules...

Before him, not a ghost of shores.

Before him, only cloudless seas.

The good mate said,

"Now must we pray,

for lo, the very stars are gone."

Brave admiral, speak..."

What shall I say?

Well, I say, sail on!

BOTH: Sail on!

I will sail on.

Well said, Columbus.

Sister Bertrille? Yes.

Which way is the engine?

[♪♪♪]

"And in the leading role of Columbus,

Señor Luis Ramirez was magnificent."

Nah, it was nothing.

You were tremendous, Luis.

It was nothing.

You're a born actor. It was nothing.

A fine artist.

It was n--

You really mean that, Carlos?

From my heart. And I think that playing

those love scenes with Marta made an impression on her.

You were terrific.

Well, I'm glad you agree with me.

Then you're going to understand

why I can't go back to working in the kitchen.

You can't?

I mean, ahem, you can't?

Show business gets in your blood.

Then I will send you to the best dramatic school in Puerto Rico.

Oh, no, Carlos.

It is only fair that I use my God-given talent

in helping you.

In helping me?

Yes. I decided to take over

the supervision of the casino floor shows.

I'm also going to replace the master of ceremonies.

I already told that to the performers.

Señor Ramirez.

Yes? Yes?

The four Dancing Rosarios

want a word with you.

And also the Flying Gonzaleses.

Speaking of flying...

I'll see you around.

[♪♪♪]

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