01x13 - Episode 13

[bunniefuu]

This is
the story of 2 sisters,

Jessica tate

And mary campbell.

Jessica lives in
a neighborhood known
as rich.

Jessica likes life.

The only thing about life
she would change,
if she could,

Is that she would
set it all to music.

The tates have more secrets
than they do money.

We're approaching
mary campbell's house.

Mary, too, likes life.

Unfortunately,
life doesn't seem to be
too crazy about her.

As you can see,
the campbells don't have

Nearly as much money
as the tates.

They do, however,
have as many secrets.

In last week's
episode of soap,

Jessica came back after
walking out on chester,

And told him if he
was ever unfaithful again,

She'd leave him for good.

Jessica then went
to visit corinne.

Only corinne wasn't there...

But peter was
and with another woman.

Jessica was so angry
that peter was cheating

On her daughter,
she threatened to k*ll him.

Corinne came home later
and also found peter

With another woman.

Upset, she checked into
a motel,

Called father tim,

And said she was
going to k*ll herself.

Father tim rushed over

And found corinne wasn't
going to k*ll herself,

She only felt
like k*lling herself.

Actually peter was the one
she really wanted to k*ll.

And peter, who was taking
a shower after his busy day,

Much to his surprise,
was, in fact, k*lled.

Confused? You won't be after
this week's episode of

Soap.

We begin this week's episode

The morning after
burt was able,

And mary was willing.

♪ Life is just
a bowl of cherries ♪

♪ It's really wonderful,
it's just terrific ♪

Oh, this is a day
for pancakes.

If ever there was a day
for pancakes, this is it.

Oh-ho, oh, am I happy.

Am I happy.
I did it, I finally did it!

I did it.

And very well, too,
I might add.

I don't know,
I guess it's something you
never really forget how to do.

You know it's like, uh...
It's like riding a bike.

I mean, you stay away
from it for a few years,

You get back on,
you know how to ride, so...

I'm back on
the bike path again.

♪ I'm back on
the bike path again ♪

♪ Out where
a friend is a friend ♪

Life is really good.

Oh, my sons are here.
And jodie...

Oh-ho, jodie.

Jodie had a date
with a girl last night
and didn't come home.

Things are working out again.

Not one wink.
I didn't sleep one wink.

Come on, bob, would ya?

Well, you snore,
they carry on...
I'm up all night.

Right now I'm functioning
solely on adrenalin.

Hey, you guys. Hey, how about
some pancakes this morning?

Hey, how about
some quiet at night?

Bob had trouble sleeping.

Yeah, I never heard
anything like it.

I thought they had
the ohio state marching band
in there.

Funny,
I didn't hear a thing.

You know
your father's an idiot?

Shut up, bob.

Oh, this is disgusting.

Juice.

There are
other people here.

I thought I'd make pancakes
this morning

To kind of celebrate.

I'll help you.

Well, actually pancakes
aren't enough.

It really should be
somethin' much bigger.

How about big pancakes?

I... I got it.

A party. A party.
We'll throw a party

We'll have
a party to celebrate.

To celebrate?

Yeah, last night.

Burt...

You can't have
a party for that.

Come on. Sure you can.
We'll invite everybody
we know.

Don't bother.
Last night,
half the town knew.

Morning.
Anyway... So, huh?

So, huh?

How was it?
What?

What? What?
I love this guy.

He's out all night with a girl
and he says to me, "what?"

It was spectacular, right?
Now you know why
they write those songs.

Burt...
Ah, no, no, no.

Come on. Come on.
Admit it, huh?
It's pretty great stuff.

Burt, you're embarrassing him.

I'm not
embarrassing him, mary.
This is man talk.

Well you're embarrassing me.
It's rank.

Burt, I didn't do anything.

Oh! Well, sure. Like...

Listen, I gotta go.
If we're gonna have a party,

We gotta start
inviting people.

Uh, listen, I'm gonna go by
and I'll invite peter
in person.

And then I'll go to the tates.
I'll even invite them.
What the heck!

Oh, it's terrific, mary.
So terrific.
I feel like paul revere.

But you can't tell people.

Well, mary, if I don't tell
them about the party, how're
they gonna know to come?

No. I mean you can't tell them
the reason for the party.

Oh, right, right. I can't.

No.

Well, how about I tell 'em
it's a surprise party?

A surprise party?

Yeah. If they knew
what it was for...

Boy, would they be surprised!

I'll see ya.

Peter!

Hey, peter. Peter...

Uh, pete?

Hey, uh, pete.
Pete, it's me, dad.

Uh, hey, I'm sorry to come
barging in like this,

But, uh, you didn't
hear me knock and...

I don't know,
the door was open so,
uh, anyway...

Uh, um, listen,
i... I came here to invite you
to a party tonight.

Mary and I are gonna have
a little celebration.

You know, it's not a birthday
or anything like that.

We're just celebrating.

I don't know,
just, I don't know, life,

Happiness,
general joy. You know?

Actually, it's not so general.

We are celebrating
something very specific.

But we can't tell anybody
about it.

So anyway, we...
I really want you to be there.

Uh, around 8:00
and dress informal.

And r.s.v.p.

Uh, uh, uh, peter, uh...

If you... Can you hear me
with the water running?

Because if you can
and you answered me,
I can't hear you.

I'm talking to water.

Hey, pete. Peter...

Oh, my god!

I can't get over it.
I just can't get over it.

He looked so peaceful.

He was m*rder*d.

I know.

He was my son.

I know. Darling, why don't you
sit down. I'll get you
a cup of coffee.

Who would do
a thing like that?

Well, what I can't believe
is that it happened
in connecticut.

That's what I can't believe.

I mean this kind of thing
happens in states like
new jersey, or california,

Or chicago.
But not in connecticut.

Uh, listen, everybody,
why don't you
help yourselves to some food.

Benson's got a whole
mess of food
in the dining room.

It is not a mess.

Who could eat
at a time like this?
Who could possibly eat?

I could.
I'm famished.

It's ok to eat, dear.
There's nothing wrong
with eating.

Hmm.

Peter would
want us to eat.

What are you
talking about?

Peter is dead.
What does he care
whether we eat or not?

What she means, mr. Campbell,
is that life goes on.

Is that a fact!
Life goes on, huh?

What about peter's life?
That did not go on!

Burt...

Ok. I'm sorry. Forgive me.
I don't know what I'm saying.
It's the grief.

Thank you for coming, father.
It was really
very kind of you.

You're welcome, mrs. Campbell.
I've known you 2 families
since childhood.

All right, so let's say
it does happen in connecticut,

Which is highly unusual.

But then I mean,
you'd think it would happen
in hartford,

Or new haven, or stamford,

But not dunn's river.

Boy, your family
really knows
how to throw a party.

Bob, this is
a very sad time.

Well, excuse me!

Oh, right. So, it happens
in connecticut,

And, fantastically enough,
it happens in dunn's river,

But to happen in
your own family.

I mean, somebody
else's family, maybe...

But your own family...

We all have to go, jessica.

Sooner or later,
we all have to go.

Yeah, and some
not soon enough.

Well, when I go,
I want a big funeral

With hundreds of
people crying, you know,

And television coverage,

And flags at half-mast
and schools closed...

And a riderless horse.

Of course, I don't know
how you'd go about
getting that.

I wanna be cremated.

You do?

Yes. They can't keep
on burying people.

Some day we're going to
run out of land.

Oh. That would be terrible.

Where would they put everyone?

Jessica, must we
talk about this?

I know what they could do.

They could make cemeteries
like post office boxes,

You know, how they stack them
one on top of the other.

Only they would
have to make them bigger
to get the, uh...

Jessica.

Couldn't we talk about
something cheerful?

I'm sure that burt
would like to hear
some cheerful talk.

No, I wouldn't.

Well, chester, I mean,
it's very important
to discuss these things.

It would be very helpful
for me to know what
you'd like after you're gone

Because, I mean, chester,
once you're gone,

It's gonna be
too late for you to tell me.

I'm not going, jessica.

I don't mean
right at this moment.

Never!

What are you
gonna do instead?

I'll have them freeze me.

They'll just wrap him
in tin foil and put him in
with the lamb chops.

No, benson.

They freeze people

And when they discover
the cure for what k*lled them,

They thaw them out and then
bring them back.

And you're gonna
trust somebody to do that?

They're paid to do it.

Oh, yeah? Well,
what if they don't do it?

I mean if I ever got the cure,
and saw you lying
in the freezer,

I'd say,
"eat your heart out."

How long have you been
a rabbi?

Couple of days.

Congratulations.

Hey, I'm not really a rabbi.

You're not?

No. Tim, it's me danny.

Yeah. You see, I'm runnin'
from the mob. They're tryin'
to k*ll me.

Oh! Of course.

I just wonder if there
really is a life after death.

And if there is, do you think
everyone's invited?

Afternoon, mrs. Tate.

Oh, hello, officer tinkler.

I'm chief of police, tinkler.
May I come in?

I-i'm afraid this
is a very bad time.

There's been a death
in the family.

Well, i... I know, mrs. Tate.

That's precisely why I'm here.
Now, if you'll allow me.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention,
please?

I'm, uh,
chief of police tinkler.

I-i'm here because
there's been a m*rder.

Another one?

Huh?

Uh, no, no.
It's the same... Same one.

Now I need to ask
some questions and I
need to get some answers.

Fact number one:

There has been a m*rder.

No.

Yes, yes.
Peter campbell was m*rder*d.

My son. He was my son.

The son of burt campbell.

Now the following
questions need to
have some answers.

How? When? Where?

Why? And who?

That's an "h" and 4 "ws."

How?

Well, according to
the coroner's report,

The victim was stabbed, shot,
strangled, suffocated
and bludgeoned.

That's 4 "ss" and a "b."

And still he looked
so peaceful.

All right, what can we assume
from the fact

That he was stabbed,
shot, strangled, suffocated
and bludgeoned?

That he didn't commit su1c1de.

Thank you. Hmm.

Well, we can assume
that, uh, peter campbell

Either had many K*llers,

Or he had one k*ller

Who really hated his guts.

When?

When was he stabbed,
shot, strangled, suffocated
and bludgeoned?

Now from the coroner's report,

I've been able to pinpoint
the time of death precisely!

Between midnight and 7 a.m.

Where?

In his bathroom.

And why?

Why was he stabbed,
shot, strangled, suffocated
and bludgeoned, hmm?

Because somebody
wanted him dead.

Right.

Now last, but not least,
the most important question
of all. Who...

Who did it?

Right again.

He's a smart little fella.

All right, who was it
that stabbed, shot, strangled,
suffocated and, uh...

Stabbed, shot, strangled,
suffocated and, uh...

Stabbed, shot, strangled,
suffocated and...

Bludgeoned.

Yeah. Bludgeoned
peter campbell

Right there in the privacy
of his own bathroom? Hmm?

Who?

Would anyone here like to
confess to the m*rder
of peter campbell

Before I go on
with the questions, huh?
Huh? Hmm?

No?

No? Just as I thought.

Well, that's... That's fine.
Heh, I love a tough case.

But let me say this,
just so you know who you're
dealing with

When you're dealing with
piece of cholief tinkler.

Uh, "chief of police tinkler."

Right. I know.

I repeat.

I know where the m*rder*r
of peter campbell is
right now.

Then what's the matter
with you, for god's sake.
Go get him.

Just hold your water,
mr. Campbell. Hold your water.

Mr. Tate,

I'm gonna have to ask
the youngster
to vacate the room.

Why?

Crime's an ugly business, son.

But that's not fair.
Why can't I stay?

This is v*olence
you're discussing, not sex.

Police orders, son.

Billy...

What are you
standing around for, you jerk?
Go get him. He'll get away.

What do you mean? I was
the one who just told him
to leave the room.

Not him. The m*rder*r.

The m*rder*r's not gonna
get away, mr. Campbell.
Oh, no.

You see,
the m*rder*r's right here.

Where?

In this room!

Quiet everybody.

Quiet. Quiet!

You heard correct.
Oh, you can believe your ears.

Right here in this room
is the m*rder*r
of peter campbell.

I'll k*ll ya!
Whoever you are,
I'm gonna k*ll ya!

Burt.

Now, please, will you all
just sit down.
S-s-sit down. Please?

Mrs. Tate...

Could I trouble you
for a glass of milk?

Oh, yes. Benson, would you
please get the sheriff
a glass of milk?

And some cookies?

Do you have oreos?

Right.

I can't wait to find out
who did it.

This is just like
a "movie of the week."

This is the most
ridiculous thing
I've ever heard of.

What person in this room
could possibly have k*lled
peter campbell?

What person?

That's right, you idiot.
What person?

You, for one.

Ha! And this is how
we spend our tax dollars.

What would my motive be?

Jealousy.

Jealousy?
Yes, mr. Tate.

Of course.
I knew it.

I knew it was him.
I've always hated him.

Let me at him!

Now where were
you last night mr. Tate,

Between the hours
of midnight and 7:00?

He was at peter's,
k*lling him.

I was asleep.

Can anyone vouch for that?

Of course. Jessica?

Well, I'd like to.

But can you?

I was asleep in another room.

Can anyone else
vouch for you, mr. Tate?

Well, I'm sorry, chester.

Mr. Tate?

Uh, benson knows
that I was here.

Sorry.

Well, uh, mr. Tate
is... Is one of the suspects.

What would my reason be,
you idiot?

What possible motive
could I have had
for k*lling him,

You bumbling twit?

Because he was having
an affair with your wife.

Uh, mr. Tate
is one of the suspects.

The, uh, 2nd suspect
is mrs. Tate.

Me?

Yes, you, mrs. Tate.

Because you were having
an affair with peter campbell,
and he left you.

Of course. I knew it.
Your sweet sister,
a murderess!

Don't be silly.
I couldn't m*rder anybody.

I couldn't even
spank the children
when they were bad.

Yeah, well,
can anyone vouch for your
whereabouts last night

Between midnight and 7 a.m.?

I was asleep
in the guest room.

Did anyone see you sleeping
in the guest room?

I don't know. I was asleep.

The 2nd suspect is mrs. Tate.

Now, moving on to the, uh...

To the 3rd suspect...

Corinne.

Oh, come on.

How do you like that?
Your niece k*lled my son.

Where were you last night
between midnight and 7 a.m.?

None of your business!

Corinne,
please answer his questions.

After all,
he is the piece of cholief.

Where were you?

I was at a motel.

Were you with anyone?

No.

No!

But you went to the motel
because earlier that evening,

When you came home, you found
peter campbell in bed
with another woman.

Ah! Who was
the 4th suspect.

No. It's impossible for
a blind woman to sh**t
with that kind of accuracy.

All right, tallying up now,

So far in this room
there are 3 sus...

3 Suspects.

Then there are more.

Boy...
Oh, please.

He's a suspect.

Why?

Well, for 2 reasons.

Well, number one:
because he's black.

That's fair.

The other reason
is because he's the butler,

And we all know that
in many, many cases like this,
the butler did it.

What?

Yeah. Where do
you think they got
that expression?

I mean do you think
they just dreamed it up?
"The butler did it."

No, no, no.
You're suspect number 4.

Benson.

Yeah, thanks.

Now for you.

Me?

Yes, you.

Where were you last night?

In a hotel in washington.

Was there anyone with you
that could testify to that?

Yeah, uh, um, no.

Suspect number 5.

I was registered.
I checked out this morning.

Well, that may be true.

But nevertheless,

You could have caught
one of those shuttle flights
at midnight,

k*lled peter and flown back
in plenty of time
to check out.

And that takes us
to the major.

This is getting
more and more ridiculous.

Well, we all know
he has a g*n.

Of course I carry a g*n,
corporal.

This is wartime.

Suspect number 7.

Carry on.

All right,
summing up here, uh...

All the tates are suspect.

Oh, your family.

Now we come
to the campbells.

Uh, danny's a suspect.

He's not even here.

Exactly. He's disappeared.

You think innocent
people disappear?

Plus, we all know
about his connections
with the underworld.

You, too, are a suspect.

I can't wait to hear why.

Because you're a... A h*m*.

That's almost
as good as my reason.

Well, we all know
that h*m* do strange things.

That they're h*m*
to begin with makes
them a little strange.

Anyway, you got
an alibi for last night?

Yes, he does. He does.
And I can vouch for him.

He was out last night,
with a girl. Huh?

And he didn't come home.

He did not come home.
So not only did he not do it,

What he did do disproves
your whole gay idea.

So, he's not guilty, not gay.

Fine. You give me
the name of the girl,
I'll check it out.

I can't.

Jodie, come on.
What are you protecting?

She's a nurse,
for god's sake.
Everybody knows about nurses.

Burt, I didn't go out
with her. I stood her up.

9Th suspect.

You didn't take her out?
I mean after
the shaving lotion,

The advice, the whole thing?

Suspect number 9.

What is that?
I don't understand.
I gave you all...

He's the 9th
suspect number 9.
Ok? Huh? Huh?

All right,
now for you guys.

Where were you last night
between midnight
and 7 a.m., Huh?

I was with bob, here.

Yeah, he was.
I can vouch for him.

All right!
That leaves you off the hook.

Wait a minute,
suspect number 10!

And 11?

And 11.

All right,
fella, what...

Oh, y-you're a priest.

Well, that leaves you
off the hook.

Hey, you.
Uh, jewish guy!

Who are you?

I'm, uh, rabbi maccabee.

Oh. Well,
what are you doing here?
They're episcopalian.

Well, i, uh...

I... I was passing by
on the street and, uh...

And I heard grief.

Jewish grief, catholic grief,
protestant grief...
It's all grief to me.

I... I... I do some of my
best work with grief.

All right.

I mean you talk about grief,
who knows more about grief?

I can spot grief a mile away!

Ok, ok.
S-s-sit down.

Boy, can they talk.

Mrs. Campbell,

Now there's no reason
in the world to suspect you.

Therefore, I suspect you.

Suspect number 12. All right.

Moving right along
to mr. Campbell, the...

The bereaved father,

The least likely
suspect of all.

Right.

Therefore, a suspect.

All right,
I advise all of you...

No, i, uh, i... I...

I request all of
you to remain in town.

You're all suspect.

You're all to remain here

And available for questioning.
You got that?

Because sooner or later,
one of you, I'm afraid,

Is going to be arrested

For the m*rder

Of peter campbell.

Have a nice day.

Who k*lled peter campbell?

Jessica?

Chester?

Corinne?

Eunice?

The major?

Benson?

Burt? Mary?

Jodie?

Danny?

Chuck? Bob?

This question
might be answered on
next week's episode of

Soap.