Love Sick Love (2012)

[bunniefuu]

There are so many things in

life that I have control over.

What music I listen to.

How fast I drive.

What dress I wear.

I can walk down the street and

control who I choose to look at,

who I find attractive,

or who I talk to.

But what can't

be controlled is love.

Who I fall in love with,

who falls in love with me...

Or if anyone falls

in love with me.

Every person that I pass on

the street could be the one,

the one that will

sweep me off my feet.

And every person that passes

takes with them a

missed opportunity,

and the happiness

that only love brings.

The only true happiness

is found in something

that I can't control.

Love.

The irony kind

of pisses me off.

Not bad.

Not great...

But not bad.

That's better.

However, that all changed when

I met the man of my dreams..

Norman.

It's simply not possible,

There's not a commercial

space in this city

that's over twenty years

old that doesn't have

some sort of code violation.

Tell the inspector

we'll pay cash.

That's called bribery.

Is that a felony or just

a simple misdemeanor?

Every code in the

city is cash driven!

Tell him to put it in

escrow or we're moving on.

Mr. Molino has made it

perfectly clear he's not in love

with the asking until he gets

an independent inspection.

He wants to shave

thirty percent off.

Tell him we'll cut him in

on the Ross-Feinman deal

and then we'll see

what he has to say

about the codes.

How are you in on Ross-Feinman?

Wants to know what time you're

picking her up for dinner.

And don't say you forgot.

I confirmed your reservations

with you yesterday.

I didn't forget about Dori,

I forgot about Cara.

I'm supposed to go

to some bullshit art opening

with her tonight.

Cara's still in the picture?

Yeah. It's complicated.

Can you tell Dori,

I'm in a meeting-

That only works so many times.

And how many times

have I used it?

'So many. ' She's on line three.

I'm sorry about this gentlemen.

I've got to take this call.

Hello?

Are you ready for tonight?

Dori. Hi.

Uh, oh. Something's amiss.

I can tell by your voice.

There's nothing going on.

You're flaking on me again.

No, no, no... Of course not.

Well, yeah. I sort of am.

There's a big deal

closing and I'm not sure

what time

I'm getting outta here.

How about we just

do a mellow dinner?

Get take out.

And if you need to

take a call, then fine,

you need to take a call.

It'd be nice to

see you, that's all.

I really want to see you too.

Really?

Of course.

Of course.

Listen, I have to go.

Tell you what.

I officially owe you one.

I'll call you in a few days

and we can get

together then, alright?

Okay.

Okay. See you soon.

It's a little dicey around

four-thirty, you know?

You figure out

the whole Dori thing?

What? What?

How long have you

been with her?

Two months?

First of all,

I am not with anyone.

However, Dori and

I have been passing time

for the last four weeks.

Oh that's nice.

And how long have you been

'passing time' with Cara?

Cara and I broke up eons ago.

Oh, right, I forgot.

You're just screwing Cara to

her to help her get over you?

Why are you busting my ba*ls?

Norman...

You have to start

thinking like a big boy.

Look... Dori's happy.

Cara's happy. I'm happy.

You're the only one

that's not happy.

Come on...

Feel 'the happy', man.

I'm just saying...

Dori, hi.

Another complication.

I'm sorry for bugging you.

I was just thinking that maybe,

after your deal closes,

that you might want to-

if you're not too tired,

maybe you'd want to come over

and celebrate?

I'll wear that little red

thing that you like so much.

I think I may have

tweaked my hip flexor.

Well, I'll just have

to be on top next time.

Finding you has been...

such a relief.

Too much wine.

What is it that you always say?

The more drunk I get the

better looking you get?

That's it.

I certainly don't

need to be drunk.

You could use a

couple of shots though.

Come on, Dori.

Don't sell yourself short.

You're beautiful.

Do you really mean that?

Of course.

Look into my eyes and

tell me I'm beautiful.

You guys are both beautiful.

What am I going to do with you?

Let's go away up north.

Just you and me.

My Grandpa Ed has a place

in the mountains.

He never uses it.

I wish I could, but I can't.

Oh... Come on. It'll be fun.

It's in the middle of nowhere.

It'll be a great escape

from all the hustle and bustle.

I'd never be able

to take the time off work.

You own the company.

You can take all

the time off you want.

It sounds really good.

But I have two deals

closing this weekend.

Maybe I didn't

make myself clear.

I'm asking you nicely.

Would you please come

away up North with me?

Maybe we should take a

little time to think about this?

Please?

Please, please, pretty please?

With Dori on top?

Wow!

Please?

Romeo?

You know you can't go

away for a week with her.

It's not a week.

It's a long weekend.

You really drink that stuff?

You can't really be this naive.

What?

Dori thinks

she's your girlfriend.

I guarantee that she's

telling all her gal pals

about how her great new

boyfriend is so special

and she maybe

has found Mr. Right.

Dori's not like that.

She's well travelled.

International.

I've never said

anything to indicate that

this relationship is serious.

You said you'd

go away with her.

That's saying it.

Seriously? There is a

coffee maker over there.

We don't have soy.

Look. Some people

like to lease cars

and some people

like to buy them.

And my lease with Dori

is up in a few weeks.

I wash my hands

clean of all this.

Oh sh*t, I forgot to call Cara.

Are those really real?

So now do you think I should

give up like you did?

I didn't think so.

Hey... I'm a

happily married man.

Really?

Are you really happily married?

Because I have never met

a happily married couple.

My folks being at

the top of that list.

Cara!

Hi!

You did?

That is so funny.

You're wrong.

About the coffee.

God I just love this song.

It's so romantic.

Don't you think?

My heart is floating.

I'm surprised such

an expensive car

doesn't have one of

these things built into it.

It's not a car. It's a Porsche.

That is so typical of a man.

What is?

Drooling over a car.

Sorry. Sorry.

- A Porsche.

- Thank you.

I'm reading this book

called 'The Twelve Steps

to a Happy New Year. '

Of course you are.

What?

He's a really smart guy.

Dr. Fisher says that 'Men

have a more difficult time

expressing their emotions

than women do. '

You mean we don't

cry all the time.

I can try and make

you cry if you want?

So rather than expressing

their emotions to a person,

they'll express them

to something else.

A sports team, a stereo...

A car...

Something that

can't respond back.

So it's a woman's responsibility

in a relationship

to show the man how to get

in touch with his emotions.

Dr. Fisher calls it

"Guerrilla Training. "

It's a really good book.

Okay.

Norman, relax.

You have nothing to

worry about with me.

So do you want to listen

to our song one more time?

Knock yourself out.

Come on. Hurry.

Hey?

Wait up.

You gotta see this.

See what?

Shh.

Isn't it beautiful?

Look at it.

Yeah.

When I was little I used to

imagine that...

all my fears were

in the belly of the sun

and when the sun

would finally go down,

my fears would go down with it.

Do you know what

I was afraid of?

No.

Being alone.

I love this place.

I used to come

here for the summer

with my Grandpa Ed.

He has a soft serve ice

cream machine out in back

and we would sit

on the front porch

and eat ice cream

cones all day.

What's your flavor?

Ohh, I don't know.

Mint chip, maybe.

You don't look like

a mint chipper.

What am I then?

You're more of a Pralines

and Cream type person.

Pralines and Cream...

I think they're sexy.

It's not bad.

Rub your fingers

through my hair.

That feels good.

Do you know what today is?

Friday.

Funny.

It's our anniversary.

Our anniversary?

It was two months ago

today that you hired me.

And as I recall, just three

days later that you...

fired me.

And fire you I did. Twice.

You violated some

federal labor law I think.

I think I violated

more than that.

Two whole months!

You know, 'The Twelve Steps

to a Happy New Year'...

It says that if you can make it

through all of the holidays

with someone

you've found your mate.

Really?

Yup.

And if you can survive

New Year's Eve

then that says it all.

That Dr. Fisher. I tell ya.

We've only got Groundhog

Day under our belt.

President's Day, too, I think.

That doesn't really

count, though.

Father's Day is coming up.

Ooh, it's been a long,

long day.

We should hit the-

It's late. We should?

How do you feel?

I feel?

A little bloated

from the pasta...

I'm not really an Alfredo guy.

No. I mean about me? About us?

You feel our connection, right?

You know, it's hard for me

to think that I'd be here

if we didn't have

some sort of connection.

Yeah. Some feeling,

somewhere. Right?

I mean, we have fun together

and you make me laugh.

Make you laugh?

Yeah. You make me laugh.

Is that so wrong?

Is that so bad?

Make you laugh how?

I dunno. Like 'Hardy har har. '

Well then laugh it up,

Mr. Backer! Laugh it up!

I'll show you who's

the funny one around here.

Who's laughing now, huh?

What's so funny now?

I'll teach you to mess with me.

Guerrilla training my a*s!

I am Kong.

I love you.

I can't believe

I just said that.

But I do. I said it.

I love you! I love you!

I love you, Norman.

You're not going

to say it back?

We've had a lot to drink.

Ah come on,

where are you going?

I shouldn't have said it!

I'm such an idiot!

Listen, you're over reacting.

It's no big deal

that you said that.

No big deal?

A woman tells you

that she loves you

and you say it's "no big deal"?

Listen, I'm just saying

I'm alright with you saying it.

I'm okay that you said it.

So you're okay that I love you?

If you're okay with it

and just having a hard time

telling me, that's okay.

I can help you.

I want you to look deep within

yourself when I ask you this.

Okay?

Do you love me?

Come on...

Oh my God! What is my problem?

Why do I keep doing

this to myself?

Why?! You know what?

Forget what I said

about loving you.

Forget it!

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to bed!

Dori, let's not get

all crazy, alright?

Your bedroom is upstairs,

down the hall!

The sheets are in the wash!

Happy anniversary, as*h*le!

Holy f*cking sh*t.

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.

Did you sleep okay?

Yeah, I suppose. Considering.

Sorry, you won't find any

reception way out here.

Have a seat.

Breakfast is almost ready.

What kind of juice

do you like? Apple or orange?

Whichever is fine.

Orange it is.

Uh oh... are you still

upset about last night?

Yeah. I'd rather

just forget about it.

It never happened.

Oh, we need to talk about it.

It was our first argument

and how we handle it

will set the foundation

for our relationship.

It's critical we deal

with this carefully.

Now, I think we can

both agree that alcohol

played a big roll

in our actions.

However, I, for one,

am not going to use

that as an excuse.

Albert! Play nicely with Dolly!

So, with that said, Norman,

I am really sorry for

what happened last night.

That felt better.

How about you?

Dori, what's the

deal with the kids?

My eggs! I hope you're hungry.

I've fixed my world

famous Denver omelette.

To be honest,

it's not really mine.

It's my Grandpa Ed's...

It's a secret family recipe.

Oh, what the hell,

I can tell you.

I use Canadian bacon

instead of ham.

Albert!

Stop riling up your sister.

You know she's got asthma!

I find Canadian bacon holds

its flavor better than ham.

Here. Take a bite.

I'm anxious to see

what you think.

This is not really

the weekend I had in mind.

Let's not forget

our manners, Norman.

Those kids...

They don't have a father.

I figured it would be nice

to bring them up here

so they can enjoy the place.

That's very charitable of you,

but did you have

to pick this weekend?

- You've got a little something.

- - Jesus, Dori. Listen.

I gave up a lot to be here.

The least you could do is

tell me we'd be babysitting

someone's kids.

Hey Mom, when's breakfast?

It's ready. Go wash up.

Aren't they adorable?

Mommy! Albert is playing

with his food.

Shut up!

Mommy! Albert said a bad word.

"Shut" is not a bad word.

'sh*t' is.

Albert, what did I say

about your language?

Now both of you

eat your breakfast.

Hi. I'm Albert.

Norman.

Nice to finally meet you.

How are you with percentages?

What?

Do you know your percentages?

I'm doing them

in school right now.

Yeah, I know my percentages.

Do you know them,

know them as in 'real world'

application know them?

Be nice, Albert.

Mom! I've got

a boatload of homework.

If this guy's shaky on his

percentages then I gotta know.

I told you that

I know my percentages.

What more do you want?

Are you done with

your Denver omelette?

Sure.

Isn't Dolly a good girl?

The best.

You know, Mom, this isn't

really a Denver omelets

because you're not using ham.

I am using ham,

just not American ham.

I'm using Canadian ham.

Where's Canada?

North.

Like by the North Pole?

Next to Santa Claus?

Yeah, sure. Right up

next to Old St. Nick.

Oh, thank you for reminding me.

Dude. You're lying.

What are you talking about?

You know what

I'm talking about?

Santa Claus...

What's wrong with Santa Claus?

Norman!

I didn't say anything.

Jesus god?

Why don't you two

go outside and play?

Can we give Norman

his surprises first?

Oh, I suppose we can.

I'll get the balloon

and the presents.

I'm gonna get my special card.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day, Dori?

I know, I know.

A holiday created

by Madison Avenue.

But I can't help myself.

I'm a hopeless romantic.

Don't worry if you forgot.

You wanna go give

Norman his card?

I made this for you in class.

And I made this for you with

the help of American Express.

I wanna open it!

No! I wanna open it!

Careful. Careful.

Ooo, pretty.

Look Albert, a sparkly bear!

It goes right over here.

And I know what

you're thinking...

That it's June.

But all the men are wearing

these things too now.

They're all the rage.

It's okay. You can go

outside and play now.

Finally. This guy is so boring.

So, what do you think?

I uh... wow! So many questions.

What? You don't like the kids?

So many questions.

I know you might

think this is crazy.

And maybe I went about

introducing them

the wrong way, but...

Those are my kids,

and they are part of me.

I'm sorry I didn't

tell you sooner

but I was just afraid

of how you'd react.

Aww, come on. Look at us.

A young couple, nice house,

a couple of kids,

just one thing missing...

I got you. You should've

seen your face! Priceless.

Boy, you are a nut!

A bona fide nut!

So you'll stay?

Dori. You can't expect me

to get excited about -

excited...

The kids go to bed early.

They do?

Yes. They do.

How early?

Real early.

Real early?

Real, real, real early.

Dori?

Yes?

How did the kids get here?

So this is Grandpa Ed

and Grandma Edna.

Dori says you sell houses.

That's nice.

A realtor? What is that?

A six weeks of school

before they give you

a crappy red jacket?

I have a B.S. in finance.

B.S. is right.

Norman buys homes whose

loans have been defaulted on

then he renovates

before reselling.

It's very profitable.

What do you do with the

family that's defaulted?

Um? What?

I mean what do you

with the families

that no longer have a home?

Yeah. What do you do with them?

Um, well, that's not

really my responsibility.

Making someone homeless

isn't your responsibility?

Well it doesn't

exactly work that way.

If you don't have a

home you're homeless.

How exactly is it

supposed to work?

You know, Norman, you should

really think about trying

to find these families homes.

Noted.

So what are your intentions?

Come again?

Your game plan, son.

What the hell's your game

plan when it comes to Dori?

Um, to be honest

we're not really

technically boyfriend and...

We just celebrated our

two month anniversary.

Oh! Congratulations!

Anniversaries are such a hoot.

So you both are intimate

with each another already.

That's always fun.

Grandma!

Dr. Fisher says

that a robust sex life

can lead to a long

and loving relationship.

And he wasn't just talking

about heavy petting, neither.

He was talking

about actual penetration

and a whole lot of it.

Ed penetrates me all the time.

What the hell

were you thinking?

What I was thinking was

that it would be nice

for you to meet the family.

I didn't even know you had

a family until ten minutes ago.

Everybody has a family.

Jesus Christ, Dori.

A relationship is a give

and take proposition.

You can't just have

sex from a woman

and expect to give

something in return.

What on earth are

you talking about?

You know very well Albert is

struggling with percentages.

He could use your help.

Oh, you need my math skills?

Listen! Dori,

you're a lovely girl.

And I'm sure you're going to

make someone very happy one day.

But man o' man,

you need some f*cking

big time professional help.

That song?

It's about a stalker.

And Pralines and Cream?

It's disgusting.

So have a nice day,

an even better life.

I'll see you on the other side.

What the?

What happened

to my steering wheel?

What?

What the f*ck happened

to my steering wheel?

Your language, Norman.

Where's my f*cking

steering wheel!

Oh boy. We have some

degenerate teenagers in town-

You sawed off

my steering wheel!

Are you accusing

me of stealing?

I'm accusing you of

being out of your mind!

You know how much this

is going to cost me?

I'll go find Grandpa, see if he

can give you a ride into town.

There's a general store there.

A general store?

This is a f*cking Porsche

not a stage coach!

They have lots of stuff.

You'd be surprised.

'Keep it together.

Where's my phone.

f*ck! My phone's inside'

Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Come on?

Okay Andrew, pick up.

Pick up Andrew. Pick up.

Hola, que tal?

Oh thank God.

This chick is out of her gourd.

Mom?

Is that you?

Stop f*cking around.

It sounds like you're in a well.

More like

another planet. Listen..

Dori. She's a

complete whack job.

Oh, Dori, right.

How's that going?

Uh. Well, she's crazy, man.

Are we talking "takes it

in the two-hole" crazy?

Skye, not too far.

Or "brings a friend

into bed" crazy?

More like sawing off my

steering wheels crazy.

Nah. Can't hear you.

Dori thinks today

is Valentine's Day.

Did you say she thinks

today is 'Valentine's Day'?

Yeah. She's got hearts

all over the house.

It's June.

That's what I said.

Karma's a b*tch

don't say that word, honey.

Yeah, you know what?

Your sympathy is heart-warming.

Well what do you want to hear?

You leave me with all the work.

That's not a very

kind thing to do.

Oh my god?

Dude, this sh*t is

getting weirder by the minute.

You gotta get yourself up here.

Eh. Back in the well.

Can't hear ya.

Get yourself up here!

Well where's up here?

Who are you talking to?

Just checking

my voice-mail on speaker.

And I can see how

a lot of men can feel...

Well... Cramped,

or even trapped,

in a relationship.

I don't blame them.

Some girls, my God,

they expect their boyfriends

to give up everything

to be with them.

Not me.

I understand the need

for Saturday night poker

with the guys.

"Don't smother your man",

that's what I always say.

Just let me love you, Norman.

Let us love you.

Is that so hard?

Ouch!

That looks like it hurt.

Are you okay?

What the f*ck is going on here?

It's Easter!

Don't use that language

in front of the kids.

f*ck you and your kids!

Untie my hands.

Kids, leave the room.

I wanna watch.

Let's go wake up Grandpa up

and find some Easter eggs!

You're getting yourself

into big trouble.

You've gone too far, Dori.

I'm calling the cops.

What are you doing?

Do you know how hard

it is for a woman

with two kids

to meet a decent guy,

let alone have him

fall in love with her?

Try E-f*cking-Harmony.

When a guy first meets a girl

he's all, 'You're so

beautiful, la, la, la. '

Then the girl gets

excited and thinks,

'He might be the

one, la, la, la. '

Then she lets her guard

down, invites him in,

cooks for him, cleans for him,

swallows for him, la, la, la.

Then he sees the kids and POOF!

He's gone.

La. La. La.

You never even told

me you had kids.

Had I told you then you

would have never said 'yes'

to coming up here, right?

That's what I thought.

See, the problem with men is

that they tend to react more

to the situation

rather than the person.

You should fall in love

with the person regardless

of the situation.

Now, you might be

asking yourself,

'How do I get to know someone?'

Good question.

That's where

Dr. Fisher comes in.

In 'The Twelve Steps to a

Happy New Year' he says that...

'Different holidays naturally

evoke different

emotions in people.

It's important to experience

all of those emotions

in order to really

get to know someone. '

Now obviously you're not a

big fan of Valentine's Day...

But what's not to

love about Easter?

Enough is enough!

This is insane!

Is he ready? Can we come in?

Okay kids. It's time.

Oh yeah?

There's one!

Here's an orange one!

I found it!

No wait. It's mine!

Hey kids, no fighting

on Easter. Alright?

How's he doing?

Needless to say,

the honeymoon's over.

And now the real work begins.

You people need

major f*cking help!

Your language, Norman...

My language, Dori? Blow me!

Mom!

Grandpa never asked

if he could use my bat.

Now I'm sure

Grandpa didn't mean

to take it without

your permission.

I certainly did not.

And I'm sorry.

Oh my goodness.

I almost forgot my pie.

I see snow on the

table, Grandma.

Whoops!

Thank you for reminding

me about my manners, dear.

You're welcome.

Dori, what did you do

differently with this chicken?

I changed the marinade.

I used lemon and

garlic this time.

Oh. It's simply wonderful.

How do you like it, Norman?

So many times I would try

to do something fancy

and I would ruin

the taste of the meat.

I've tasted something

like this before.

But I can't remember when.

It was Jackie's seventy

eighth birthday party.

That's right.

The village threw a

party and it was catered.

Chirpin Chicken!

Oh, Ed. Don't be a putz.

Chirpin Chicken!?

Are you sure you

don't want anything to eat?

It's organic.

No dinner. No desert.

That's right.

No dinner, no dessert.

Was it Rhonda's Rotisserie?

I don't think so.

Mommy, he stuck

his tongue out at me!

Now, would you please have

a little something to eat.

How can I be expected to eat

if I can't use my hands?

Albert can feed you.

Yeah. Open up.

Come on. Open up!

I wanna feed him!

No! I get to! Mom!

Mom!

Hey, hey - kids!

I know! It was Conrad's

Crispy Catered Chicken.

Conrad died in ninety three.

It was ninety five...

I remember.

I wanna feed him!

No! I get to!

- Mom!

- Kids!

I am a grown man.

I refuse to be fed by a child!

I remember!

It was Billy's Broiled,

Shake and Baked Chicken!

That was it!

I remember that.

Dolly's having an attack!

Dolly's having an attack!

Grab her inhaler

in the drawer. Hurry!

Hurry Grandpa! Quickly!

It's gonna be okay.

It's okay.

Here, dear.

It's okay. It's okay.

Would you help me

get her ready for bed?

I'll draw her a bath.

It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

Here comes the plane.

Open up!

- Oh come on...

- It's so good.

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Who are you people?!

You're all crazy!

You're... psychos!

Maniacs! All of you!

I'm going to have

all of you arrested!

Please? For god sakes,

somebody help me.

I gotta go - I gotta pee?

Thank god...

I gotta take a piss.

Who is it? Who's there?

Albert, is that you?

Help me up.

What is wrong with you?

The children need their sleep.

Now you show

some consideration.

Now go back to sleep.

Morning. Hey hon. Is he up?

Not yet.

I cut the chain to forty feet.

Yeah. That feels about right.

Eww. Yuck!

Watch it kids.

Norman had an accident.

Ha ha! He wet his pants!

Oh good. You're awake.

I made breakfast.

I can heat some leftovers

up for you if you want.

I'm only going to ask you once.

Do you want breakfast or not?

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, please.

Remember kids.

Always say 'please'

Okay!

I think it's Daddy time.

Let's all wish Norman

a happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day!

I wanna play baseball.

I wanna play beauty salon.

Remember kids,

this is Daddy's day.

So he gets to do

whatever he wants.

Good. Because I wanna k*ll

each and every one of you.

How about a special

Thanksgiving dinner

to celebrate the occasion?

That's a f*cking great idea.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Father's Day!

Time for daddy to go bye-bye.

I'm scared.

Jesus! You scared the shi-

You scared me.

You're scared too? Good.

Help me find Nibbles

and we won't be scared.

Nibbles?

Nibbles? Who's Nibbles?

One of mommy's old

boyfriend's gave him to me.

He makes me not so scared.

Your mom's boyfriend?

I think his name

was Eric or something.

Who's Eric?

What happened to him?

Mom keeps all that

stuff in the closet.

Who does all

this stuff belong to?

Other men that

Mom has brought home.

She keeps on to find daddies

but they always keep on leaving.

One time, told me

that he saw mommy

and this man napping

naked together.

And Mommy told me that when

grown-ups nap naked together

that means

they love each other.

Have you napped

naked with girls?

Yeah. I have.

How many times?

Let's just say I like

to take a lot of naps.

Look there's Mommy

with white hair.

Doesn't she look pretty.

How long ago were these

pictures taken?

I don't know.

I wasn't born yet.

She gave all of these men

little sparkly

bears like yours.

All of them?

Yes. She says it's like

giving them her heart.

What happened to them?

I don't know. We always

play the 'voting game'

on News Year's Eve.

Voting game?

Like Survivor.

Have you seen

'The Biggest Loser?'

Those people are so fat!

They are?

I like fat people.

They're funny.

After the voting game,

I think they just go home!

Norman? Where are you going?

Where are you going, Norman?

Norman, don't leave.

I'm going over here, Dolly.

I'm going right

over here, Dolly.

Mommy gets really sad

when the men leave.

She sometimes even cries.

Why would someone keep

Mommy's heart

if they don't love her anymore.

It's complicated, Dolly.

Sometimes grown ups

do silly things

that don't make any sense.

You'd give back the

bear, wouldn't you?

I would.

I only want mommy

to have a husband

so I can just have a daddy.

That's all.

Don't worry, Dolly.

It'll happen someday.

Really?

Yeah.

Yes. You deserve a good daddy.

Thank you Norman, I love you.

Hey! Wait! No! Stop!

Grandpa stop!

He was running!

Dori, listen to me.

I get this.

I get where this is going.

Stop! Stop!

It's all beginning

to make sense, okay.

You've had a rough

go of it with men.

What did Dolly tell you?

Nothing, really.

I mean nothing

I didn't already know.

I saw the boxes, Dori.

You're just thinking

about Albert and Dolly.

I get that.

You're just trying to do

what's right for them.

And guys like me? Guys like us?

You know, we...

We've never made

it easy for you.

We're never thinking

with our right heads.

We're selfish, and we

forget there's emotions

wrapped up in this stuff.

And we don't realize that

we can hurt people's feelings,

and believe me...

If I've hurt you,

I'm really sorry.

Really?

Yes.

I'm really, really sorry.

He's full of it.

No, I'm not.

I'm giving it back, Dori.

I'm not like those other guys.

I'm giving it back.

I'm giving back

your heart, Dori.

So let's end this

thing right now.

Let's put it behind

us and move on.

What do you think?

Enough is enough.

Don't! It's not

what you think, Dori.

Who the hell is Cara?

You son-of-a-b*tch!

After all

I've done for you! How!

How dare you do this

to my and my family!

You son-of-a-b*tch!

You as*h*le!

So?

Who would like to begin?

I'll go.

Do you love her?

Who?

Cara? Do you love her?

No.

Oh, so you're just

screwing her, is that it?

Maybe I'll just call Scotty

Griffin from the General Store

and start screwing him.

How would that make you feel?

Oh, I like Scotty Griffin.

He always has a warm

smile on his face.

We're not even together.

Yeah, you made that very clear.

You're just screwing her.

I mean you and me, Dori.

I'm not with you!

I'm not with Cara!

I'm not with anyone!

How can you say that

we're not together?

We. Are. Not. To-gether.

After everything

that I've done for you.

You're such an as*h*le.

That's not getting

us anywhere -

f*ck you too, Grandma.

I've done everything

you've asked me to.

I've put up with all

of your crazy sh*t.

Norman, is this because

you're afraid of commitment?

It's because she's

f*cking kidnapped me.

It's because she's beaten

the sh*t out of me

and shackled me to the floor.

It's because she's ripped

the steering wheel

out of my f*cking car!

Does Dr. Fisher have

a chapter on that one?

You do nothing

but finger point.

When are you going to start

owning up to your mistakes?

- You cheated on me, g*dd*mn you!

- For the love of God, woman!

You're putting up walls

and retreating into yourself.

I'm retreating because you

scare the sh*t out of me!

Do you remember when I took

you to see Taming of the Shrew?

It was our third date?

Oh! Was that you?

You were walking back

from getting us

drinks our eyes locked

and you had

a look on your face.

What was it?

What was that look?

I don't know, Dori.

I love you?

You love me?

Your t*ts looked good

in your dress?

Any of those right?

Was there ever a chance

for you to love me?

I don't even know

what that word means.

That is such a shame,

because you have no idea

what you're missing.

Can I just say something?

Of course, Norman.

You know... What you said,

that last thing.

What?

Uh, I mean...

Maybe I am missing something.

I mean it's not like

I have everything figured out.

Take these holidays.

I haven't really been embracing

them to be perfectly honest.

What are you getting at?

I don't know! Hey!

Why don't I take charge

of one of the holidays?

So now you want

to do a holiday?

Yeah! Hey, why don't we

celebrate Mother's Day?

Yeah, right. It's a little

too late to be sucking up.

I'm not sucking up.

What would Dr. Fisher say?

Well, that's a good question.

Dr. Fisher always says you

need to forgive your partner.

Forgive Dori,

this relationship has no hope

unless you forgive Norman

and give him another chance.

Yeah. Come on, Dori.

Let me rally the troops.

Make you breakfast,

bring it to you in bed.

I'm not saying I have

everything figured it out,

but I'm saying

I'm willing to try.

These holidays mean

nothing to you, Norman.

I know. But they

mean something to you.

And that means something to me.

Please, Dori. Let me show

you what I'm capable of.

It'll be nice.

Come on, let's pick up the pace.

Your mother's going to love it.

Aren't these flowers beautiful.

This isn't really

a Denver omelet

because the ham

isn't from Denver.

Yeah, we covered that already.

All right.

Let's go. Get in.

Ready Mommy?

Happy Mother's Day.

I picked the flowers.

I stirred the eggs.

Beautiful!

Happy Mother's Day!

Well?

Well I'm not going to lie.

It's pretty spectacular.

And to think you doubted me.

I don't know what to say.

Dori - you don't

have to say anything!

Oh you son-of-a-b*tch!

You b*stard!

Norman! Norman! f*ck!

Norman! Come back here!

Norman! Norman!

You come back here right now!

You come back here right now!

Norman! Norman! Come back here!

Norman! Norman! God damn you!

Get back here! Norman!

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck you, Norman!

Norman! Norman, please!

Dolly's having an attack!

She can't breathe!

She needs her inhaler!

Please Norman!

Please Norman!

f*ck you, Dori.

Please. I'm begging you!

Norman, she's gonna die if

she doesn't get her inhaler.

Please! Please! Please!

I'm begging you! Please!

Please! She's gonna die!

I'm begging you!

Dolly's going to die?

Norman please hurry!

I am! I am!

Where is it?

It's in the drawer

below the breadbox.

Okay, I got it!

Hurry up, Norman!

What are you doing?

Dolly needs you!

Don't f*ck with me!

She needs you! Just hurry up!

I promise I won't do anything.

Okay. I'm just doing

this for Dolly.

Hurry up!

Don't you f*ck with me!

I got the inhaler!

Unlock the door, please!

Just unlock the door!

Please, just open the door,

toss the inhaler in

I do that then you'll

hit me in the head

with a microwave

or something. No way!

Just open the door!

Get in the closet!

Norman!

I'm not coming in until

everyone gets in the closet!

Trick or treat.

Can we open up

one present? Please?

Not now. Maybe later.

This is important.

As you may have noticed,

Daddy and I have

been having some

relationship hiccups.

And I'm certainly not

here to place blame, okay?

Although I'm not

the one who cheated.

But as always, I'm going

to put our relationship

in the hands of

my beloved family.

So I want you all to

give this very careful?

Stop touching me!

I'm gonna have to put you

to bed right now, am I?

No?

We'll do our usual scoring.

One out of ten, ten being best.

Since there's five

of us, it'll be?

What about me?

Don't I get a vote?

Let's say if he gets a total

of forty points, he'll stay.

Anything less and, well...

Be sure to cover

the Nativity scene.

It has sentimental value.

I remember. I remember.

Hold on a second?

What's that for?

Don't you think forty is uh-

Forty out of fifty

is a tad high?

She deserves a

fifty out of fifty.

And it upsets me that you

think I should have to settle.

Come on, Dori. It's not settling

that much - thirty-five?

It's still above average.

So you're okay with

being just average?

Above average.

Wow. Okay then.

Let's all vote on this slightly

above average relationship.

All we need is

seven points per person

and we can keep this slightly

above average family together.

It's 10pm.

Do you know where

your children are?

Ooo, we gotta get

the kids to bed.

It's getting late.

Okay. We need to get started.

Thirty-five points it is.

Who's first?

Four!

Grandpa starts

things off with a four.

Who's next?

A four?

Only reason why you're even

getting that many is

because I've seen Dori smilin'

around you a couple of times.

Ed's never even taken the

time to get to know me.

What I know, I don't like.

A four.

Moving on.

Okay. My turn. My turn.

Albert, buddy. Whazzup?

You know, when you first

got here, I was like,

"Wow! Finally mom

brought home a ten. "

A ten! Yes!

Hi five, little buddy!

But...

then you opened

your potty mouth.

Potty mouth?

Mom?

Just this once.

'f*ck' six times,

'Mother f*ck' four times.

'c*cksucker' five times,

'c*cksucker mother f*ck'

eight times.

'Son of a b*tch' three times,

'sh*t'...

Eleven times...

And you told mom

to 'blow me' once.

I'm not sure what that means

but I can tell it's bad.

Oh, and I'm not

including the word "poo"

because Dolly and I

are allowed to say it.

Ha-ha! He said poo!

Alright fine, minus one point

for having a potty mouth.

That's a nine.

And speaking of potty,

I don't want a dad

who still wets the bed.

Okay, now... That's not fair!

So that's minus another point.

That's a total of twelve

points. Who's next?

And twelve of thirty-five

is what percent?

What?

You said you were

good at percentages.

Twelve of thirty-five

is what percent?

Do you or don't you

know the answer?

Give me a quick second.

I have to...

I'll take that as a no.

I give him a seven out of ten.

That's seventy percent! Ha!

And like Dolly couldn't

have gotten that one right.

Nice try.

Oh lookie here.

A r*fle.

What I've always wanted.

Wait-wait-wait!

Don't I get a chance

for rebuttal or something?

Grandma, you're next.

On a commercial break.

Come on!

We gotta get this going.

Commercial break.

Hit the Pause!

I'll give him a ten.

Yes! A ten! Loving you, Edna.

Great, Grandma gives him a ten.

You've got twenty one points.

Dolly you're up.

Out of ten points, how

much do you like Norman?

Of all the daddy's that

mommy has brought home

I like Norman the best.

Wow? Even better than Hans?

Excuse me.

The child was talking.

I'm going to give him

the best number ever.

And I thank you, Dolly.

I always knew you?

And the best number

is five and a half.

What?

Five and a half because

that's how old I am.

Five and a half.

Aww lookie here!

I guess I was good this year.

Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

Dori still gets a vote?

Fat chance!

You only got twenty six points.

Twenty six and a half.

There's no way Dori's

gonna give you a nine.

Right?

Norman. Believe me

when I say this

that no one wanted

this relationship more than me.

God, you made me so happy.

Grandma?

Kids. Gotta go to bed.

- But I wanna watch.

- No.

- That's not fair.

- No.

It's past bedtime.

Albert! Come on.

I never get to watch.

Norman...

I have tried and tried

and tried with you.

But if I pull away

from the fairy tale

I have to be

honest with myself.

Dori, please don't do this.

For the first time in

my life I'm wondering

if true love is even possible.

Dori, please listen to me.

There was something there.

We had something, it was there.

No there wasn't.

I was foolish

to think otherwise.

You're out for one thing

and one thing only.

Just like those other men.

I'm not like those other men.

You're just like

those other men.

No. I'm not.

See... look. I'm not.

I'm not like those other men.

I'm giving it back, Dori.

I'm giving back your heart.

See?

Take it. Take the bear, Dori.

Please, take the bear Dori.

Please Dori. Take the bear.

Please! God!

Dori, take the bear?

Stop it! Alright!

It's f*cking over!

I'm telling

you right now man...

back the f*ck up!

You won't do anything!

I'm not f*cking around.

I will blow her head off!

Give me the keys to the collar.

Give me the f*cking keys!!!

You can dangle there and

rot in hell for all I care.

f*ck! f*ck!

God damn it,

you f*cking people!

You lied to me, Norman.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

You've been nothing but a lie.

I never lied about

the way I felt.

Happy f*cking New Year, Dori.

How does love happen?

With all the random

people in the world,

how do two of them

meet, connect,

and then fall in love?

A couple might feel

passion, or lust,

but it's not the same.

True love is strength and

security and it's forever.

I loved you, Norman.

I truly loved you.

As we go about the chaos

of our daily lives,

we're left wondering how, when,

or even if it will

ever happen to us.

But it happens.

At a completely random,

but perfectly precise moment,

two people connect

and fall in love.

It doesn't happen very often.

That's why you have

to keep looking.

And the search for love can be

a very scary and lonely journey.

Sad to say - some hearts

get broken along the way.

But I still believe in love.

I still believe

there's someone out there

who will sweep me off my feet.

I know there is.

There's got to be.

I just have to keep looking.

Maybe I will call

Scotty Griffin.