Love Affair, or The Case of the Missing Switchboard Operator (1967)

[bunniefuu]

WILL THERE BE A REFORM

OF MAN?

WILL THE NEW MAN

RETAIN

CERTAIN OLD ORGANS?

I'm sure you must be
interested in sex,

and it's a good thing.

It would be sad if you weren't.

I too am very interested in sex -

as a subject of study,
of course.

AUTHOR OF MEDICAL SEXOLOGY
AND SEXUAL KNOWLEDGE

Sex is perhaps more whispered about
than spoken of openly.

But we don't know enough
about these whisperings.

If we could only find out more,

we'd know just how great
people's interest in sex is.

In ancient times,

sexuality was understood
in a different way.

This was especially evident
in the custom

of worshiping the sex organs.

For example,
a male sex organ

40 feet high,
gilded and ornamented,

was paraded around, accompanied
by music and beautiful girls.

And no one protested,
not even the girls

who followed this gigantic
40-foot-tall phallus.

Or take the case
of the Euphrates Valley,

where they'd raise up huge phalli,
or male members,

measuring 180 feet high.

A special priest called a "phallobath" -
he even has a name -

would climb up twice a year

and remain at the top
of such a phallus for seven days.

Similarly, in India...

coupled organs,
male and female,

formed an integral part
of the altar.

LOVE AFFAIR

OR

THE CASE OF THE MISSING
SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR

Izabela, the Switchboard Operator
EVA RAS

Ahmed, the Sanitation Inspector
SLOBODAN ALIGRUDIC

Ru?a, Izabela's Friend
RU?ICA SOKIC

Mica, the Postman and Seducer
MIODRAG ANDRIC

The Sexologist
DR. ALEKSANDAR DJ KOSTIC

The Criminologist
DR. ZIVOJIN L. ALEKSIC

Assistant Director
BRANKO VUCICEVIC

Set Design
VLADISLAV LASIC

Edited by
KATARINA STOJANOVIC

Sound by
DUSAN ALEKSIC

Sound Editing by
MIODRAG PETROVIC SARLO

Cinematography by
ALEKSANDAR PETKOVIC

Written and Directed by
DUSAN MAKAVEJEV

Prcanj, do you hear me?

Hello, Zajecar?

Is that Mijovic?
You have a call from Murska Sobota.

We're trying, darling,
we're trying.

Kragujevac can wait.
I have three calls from Croatia.

?ura ?akovic, Slavonski Brod.

What private address?
It's a factory.

Obrenovac, hold on.

Sremska Mitrovica,
Po?arevac is calling.

Po?arevac. Answer, will you?
Waiting for an invitation?

Miss, you're like Napoleon.

He could read, think, and piss,
all at the same time.

Svetozarevo,
how's that famous beer of yours?

Your transport, miss.

A motorized lover!

Get lost, you f*cking jerk.

I could give you such a ride!

And Sufrain, the driver
at the Ethiopian embassy.

Child of darkest Africa.
African-style, sister.

A prince, so help me.

What a pleasure, having
a professional work on your feet.

All I got from traipsing around
with that bum with no car is corns.

I had Njegovan,
a literature student from Lika.

He wrote me poems.

How did that go?

"Ru?ka, my dewy flower,
I've dedicated a poem to you...

about wild flesh."

Buddy, could you whiten these
for me quickly?

Three hundred.

And a new dinar for quick service.
Money's worthless these days.

It was during the European
Athletics Championships.

He was a bashful blond.
You'd think he didn't know a thing.

But once he started,
he couldn't stop.

He really gave you
a good time.

In the morning, when we came out,
dawn was breaking.

Everything was a sort of
white mist before my eyes.

I felt like the Virgin Mary.

You know my Mihajlo,
who played folk tunes on the accordion?

He was a good person,

but he was too into his music -
the "Nightingale of ?umadija."

Dragan Stojnic,
you little sweetheart!

I adore him.

Look - the Chinese.

Yugoslavia, born of struggle

Your people sing of your glory

Our nation, filled with our love

Be proud, Yugoslavia

We didn't introduce ourselves.

My pleasure.
Bu?atlija, Ahmed.

Izabela Garodi.

Excuse me?

Ga-ro-di.

This is my friend Ru?a.

Bu?atlija.

Call me Ru?ka.

Why don't we drop in at the Seaman's
Tavern? They've redecorated.

- Sure.
- Only if they've got draft beer.

I like drinking from a stein.

With lots of foam.

Your wish is my command.

Bodies of crime victims are hidden
in a wide variety of places.

Criminals often take their victims

to secluded spots
under various pretexts,

convinced that without witnesses
a crime will not be discovered.

For example, the body
may be buried, carved up,

burnt, thrown in a river
or hidden in a well.

A body usually
decomposes in water,

but cold well water
can ret*rd the decaying process,

facilitating cleaning of the head
for identification purposes.

This cleaning is performed
in the following manner. ;

Layers of mud and algae
are removed,

the hair is combed,
lacerations are sutured,

the face is made up,
the eyelids are opened,

and glycerin is injected into the eyes
to restore their natural sparkle.

The criminal always seeks
to make a "leap into the void,"

driven by his instinct
for self-preservation.

In a word,

he wishes to enjoy undetected
the fruits of his crime.

SENIOR FELLOW
INSTITUTE OF CRIMINOLOGY

Advances in science and technology

enable certain criminals

to enrich their imagination
and intelligence,

thus subverting civilization's
achievements to the service of evil.

Paradoxical as it sounds,
crime is being perfected

and is more and more
a function of intelligence

and less a matter
of force and fist.

It was once enough for a criminal
to catch a train or boat

at the very last moment
to escape justice,

but with modern advances,
he can't feel safe anywhere.

Wherever he goes,
whatever he does,

he'll leave enough traces

for the Argus-like eyes
of criminologists to find him.

The way he ties a rope
to hang or strangle

a victim,

or, in burglary cases,

the prints of shoes, socks
or naked feet on a wood floor -

all these are calling cards

left behind
for investigating officers

that prevent criminals from realizing
their unattainable dream -

the perfect crime.

Disposing of his victim's body is one
of a m*rder*r's greatest challenges.

A m*rder*r will often stare
long and hard at the motionless body,

straining his brain for a way
to get rid of the corpse.

The human body is made up of
an enormous number of substances.

Blood poses an insurmountable
problem for criminals.

Teeth and bones are very durable.

That fact helped
our colleague Vodinelic

solve the infamous case
of the Podravina skull.

And our experts Dr. Milcinski

and Dr. Sava Gorkic

superimposed
an unidentified skull

upon photographs of unidentified bodies
to successfully answer

the first of the seven golden questions
in criminology: "Who?"

You have to taste this.

Barack palinka -
apricot brandy.

A Hungarian specialty.

Are you -
I can tell by your accent.

Hungarian?
Yes, but of the domestic variety.

My brother in Budapest
sent it along with Mr. Frankovic,

manager of
the Sleeping Car Company,

the SCC.

Cheers.

That's a real disinfectant.
I like a good clean job.

Smells like apricots, doesn't it?

You're not married, are you?

No.

You know, I lived here
with my mother until six months ago.

Then she had some kind of rupture,
and she was gone.

I couldn't do much here,
if you get my drift.

I couldn't bring company here.

I've been renting
ever since I can remember.

The army was a mother
and stepmother to me.

I was an orphan.

My father went abroad
in search of work and vanished.

I went straight from
the medical corps into sanitation.

It's been ten years already.

Let's have some coffee.

Neither burner is working,

but we'll manage somehow.

Other than that,
I'm very upstanding.

I don't drink.
I'm a Party member.

Clean and meticulous.

I go on a binge once a year at most,
when things get to be too much.

One teaspoon or two?

One.

And I thought you were an officer,
something along those lines.

Izabela, you're a real tease.

Cheers.

Please come in the other room.

There's a good program on TV.

Would you hold this?
Thanks.

Thanks.

It's more intimate this way.
Don't you agree?

CLOSE THE CHURCHES!

Izabela,
you're quite a little homemaker.

Just so you know:
I've gone two months without a man,

and that's too long for a Hungarian girl.

There's this guy in our collective
named Pi?ta Baci.

He tells these jokes
about Hungarian girls -

filthy jokes -
and I imagined all sorts of things.

What do you mean by that?

The stories men tell.
You know - jokes and such.

So you didn't like me?

Don't be silly, woman.

What did I say?

"Pretty as a fairy princess

with hair like silk."

Who's that?

Nobody.
Just the milkman.

Tell me, are you single
all the time?

Not all the time.

I'm just too honest.

I don't know
how to lie to women.

But believe me...

you're the first modern girl...

that I've hitched up with like this.

That was nice,
what you said about my hair.

And my skin is like velvet too.

Female, 20-25 years old,
5'3" tall.

Bones and muscles
of average development,

of average nourishment.

Skin color: Grayish white.

Facial skin blistered
and lacerated in spots.

Outer ear channels, nostrils,
and mouth contain sand

and green, moss-like,
mucous threads.

Right shoulder area
shows lacerations and a hematoma

the size of a child's palm.

Skin under right elbow
shows punctures

in the form of bite marks.

Eyelids swollen, with pronounced
changes due to decay.

Conjunctiva clouded and grayish,

with grains of sand
and above-mentioned fibrous threads.

Iris is light blue.

Uterine cavity contains
fetus with lining,

approximately three months old.

Brain tissue exhibits
well-developed structure.

Right temporal area shows
hematoma the size of a palm.

Conclusion:
Violent death by drowning,

which, based
on the above findings,

was preceded
by physical as*ault.

The threat posed to man by rats
has still not been fully grasped here.

Rats devour enormous quantities
of food and other goods.

They eat winter coats,

entire libraries of books,

corpses in autopsy rooms,
even film stock.

In 1725, an earthquake
and unprecedented famine

set great masses of rats
on the march out of Asia.

Huge armies of the berserk little
creatures reached the Caspian Sea,

swam across the Volga, and inundated
the European part of Russia.

By 1750 their advance guard
had reached Silesia.

After that, traveling along
roadways and later railways,

the gray rat conquered
one region after another.

At first, Europe welcomed
these uninvited newcomers,

figuring that the gray rat
would help exterminate

the black rat,

which had ravaged Europe
since the Crusades.

The gray rat and black rat
fought to the death.

Being stronger, tougher,
and more bloodthirsty,

the gray rat prevailed.

The rat is in many ways
more resilient than man.

There are currently
three million of them in Belgrade,

60 million throughout Yugoslavia.

It's still unclear who will rule
the Earth in 100 years. ; people or rats.

One pair of rats produces
1,000 descendants in one year.

Our rat extermination units -

advance guard
of the human race -

wage a fierce battle to safeguard
man's living space against rats.

THERE'S A PANTRY
FULL OF CHEESE

AND THE RAT EATS THE CHEESE
NICE AS YOU PLEASE

THE RAT EATS THE CHEESE

HIS MIND'S AT EASE
WHILE HE HAS HIS CHEESE

BUT INTO THE RAT
COMES A DISEASE

THAT SNEAKS OUT
FROM THE CHEESE

AND STARTS SCREWING
WITH HIS EASE

IT SCREWS WITH HIS EASE

SCREWING AND SCREWING
IT BRINGS HIM TO HIS KNEES

IT'S A BELLYACHE HE CAN'T ABIDE
AS IF HE GOT A SCREW INSIDE

LIFE'S AT AN END
IT'S TIME HE DIED

I THINK I KNOW
HOW IT MUST BURN

WHEN THAT SCREW
BEGINS TO TURN

Bachelors are always
at the bottom of the heap.

I live here modestly.

I'm no big shot
or one of those pushy types,

but when it comes to fighting rats,
Ahmed's your man.

You live like in that novel
Wuthering Heights.

Eve.

And you're
Suleiman the Magnificent.

Put on some clothes.

What's that?

You're so cramped here.

I found what I was looking for:

A hen's egg.

What do you think of
when you see a hen's egg?

Hens don't lay eggs
just so people can make omelets.

This egg represents the most
highly developed reproductive cell

of the female sex.

Within this cell
the germ of life is already present,

the "spark,"
as the common folk say.

This germ illustrates

how organs develop,
including in the human being.

This is the most powerful
element in all our science:

To know the mechanism
by which all our organs,

nervous system,
blood and heart develop.

When you understand this,

I'm sure you won't think
of omelets anymore

when you see a hen's egg.

My Mohammed!
Mujo!

Throw me some clothespins
from the closet.

Right away.

Song of songs,
rise up to the sun

That shines on the march
of the Red column

What's that, for God's sake?

Comrades from the German Democratic
Republic gave us some records.

I immediately bought
a record player.

O land, be ready!

Onward, O time!

O land of lands,
forward in as*ault!

Crush into dust rotten vermin!

Bravely into struggle!

Onward, O time!

Be joyful, O land
to the future sworn

The Commune stands
at the gate

To your oath be true!

Onward, O time!

We're all sticky.

Meho, you sure know
what's good for a body.

Am I a good Turk or not?

What was that?
I didn't get a word.

Do you like it?

Know what it says?
It goes like this:

"Half of 100 forints is 50.

To hell with it.

Man's not made of wood.
He can fail once in a while."

Then it goes on:

"I kiss my girl on the mouth."

"However,
slaughterhouses and granaries,

along with roads,

offer the most attractive targets
of invasion for rats."

The things you're involved with!

Meho decided to surprise you.

This is Master Rade.

Hello.

Please come in.

Hey...

what's that?

A record player.

The walls are good and sturdy.

They'll hold.

Or maybe
we should put it here?

We'll put the drain down here.

Easy there!
What are you doing, lifting that alone?

Here we go.

That's it.

Go over there.

Shock-workers.

Careful you don't scrape it,

or the paint will chip.

Set it down.

- To our health.
- Cheers.

You're not drinking?

- One more?
- A little later.

An expert job.

Come wash my back.

Hey, I didn't say there!

Interestingly enough,
there's not one great artist,

great poet or great writer

who did not deal

with the most ticklish
sexual matters.

The great painters -

Rembrandt, let us say...

as well as others -

depicted the sexual act.

Few people are aware of that.

One of our own artists

painted an extraordinary painting
that I greatly admire,

which in essence is perhaps

extremely pornographic,

if one looks at it that way,

depicting the sexual act

in all its forms.

It's a picture
by our great painter

?orde Andrejevic Kun,

a painting first exhibited
30 years ago.

It depicts,
without the slightest prudery,

parents engaged
in the sexual act

in a room
where children are playing

and a meal's being cooked

as an integral part
of a certain way of life.

His point is to show us

not so much the sexual act

as the fact that all activities
take place in that same setting.

That's one example of something
that certainly might appear pornographic

but is not.

One... two... three...
he captures your heart.

One... two... three...

a uniform.

You'll go on a journey.

Secretly, at night.

Fooling around.

A bed.

I'm not putting you on.

I don't believe it.

Think what you like,
but I really love him.

I'm serious.
So maybe he is a bit of a homebody.

We hardly ever go out.

Well, dark eyes are dark eyes,
a heart means love -

even if it's a little love -

but there's no mistake,
my friend.

It's your fate.
Gimme another bite.

Take the whole thing.

Are you free tonight, miss?

- Unfortunately no.
- Too bad.

What are you doing tonight?

Giving my kids a bath.

Pity.

- For me?
- Sure is, handsome.

Thanks.

Miss, I am Mica,
postman of death and joy,

bearer of urgent telegrams.

It's a special service
calling for speed and finesse.

When I show up, people immediately
start crying or celebrating,

showering me with tips
or pressing me to stay for dinner.

I live like our delegations abroad.

Hello, Petrovac na Mlavi?
Give me military post 69.

When I want a girl,
she can't say no.

- Who is it?
- The wool thrasher.

"Guess who I am.
Quilt-making's my game.

I live in a cottage
down the lane.

I have two sons,
Andrija and Slobodan by name."

Got anything to thrash?
- I do.

Let's go downstairs.
- Lead the way, sunshine.

"I thrash wool,
and my darling's no fool."

Master Aca,
member of the Socialist League,

thrashes wool for party members
and nonmembers alike.

"My c*ck does a lot.
It glues you on the spot.

It makes you wet and hot,

and in a jiffy you're caught!"

I see you thrash wool.
Could you thrash this quilt?

Sure.
Want me to thrash you too?

Oh, I was thrashed
long ago, my friend.

This tooth really hurts.

Look, this one.

My God!

You should get that filled.

Don't let it rot on you.

I know a great dentist.

He made me
some fantastic teeth.

Look.

You think
you're really something.

Miss Izabela,
you don't know me at all.

I admit that certain
sexual adventures do happen to me,

but not through
any depravity of mine.

Say I bring a joyful telegram
from a husband overseas.

The wife weeps with joy.
The telegram gets soaked.

She offers me
liqueur-filled bonbons.

She hugs and kisses me.
- You don't say.

It's not my doing.
It's the postal service's fault.

My boyfriend's off
on a work assignment.

I might not see him
for a whole month.

Screw this life!

People aren't made of wood,

especially not me.

So what if it's a night call?

Give me Po?ega 64.
That's right - 64.

I didn't know you were
on the night shift tonight.

I'm filling in for my friend.

Yes, her pilot came in, the one
who flies charter planes abroad.

You really do know everything.

And your boyfriend?

Named to the commission
investigating the food poisoning

down in Ni?.

I saw you two together once.

You were having a beer
over near the hospital.

We'd gone
for my anemia checkup.

It's not me waking you up, comrade.
It's a call from Zagreb.

This is a workplace.
Please stop horsing around.

When I say there's no hope,
it's not just for show.

I'll turn the lights out myself
if I feel like it.

Believe me,
I hold you in the highest esteem.

You're one of the most beautiful women
in the whole building.

I'd never stoop so low
as to harm you.

But you're so sexy,

so it's not my fault
if I wish to provide

what your heart craves.

A certain pleasure in life...

and suchlike.

Banja Luka?
Hold on a moment.

It's not right. Don't.

No, I'm not talking to you.
Please hold.

God, you're persistent!

When do you get off work?

I only mean you well.
- I work until 6:00.

I wasn't talking to you.
Hold on.

Go away.

If I start, I know
I won't be able to stop.

Stay on the line.
I'm getting your number.

This isn't right. Go away!

Please hold.
The line's busy.

Is that you, Frosina?

Give me 2274.

Yes, Belgrade,
here's Skopje for you.

Please don't.

Crikvenica doesn't answer.

Yes.

Banja Luka,
I'm putting you through via Sibenik.

The lines are down.

The lines are down.

DANCE

THE r*pe OF THE SABINE WOMEN

NIGHT

What is it?

You smell like cigarettes.

What's come over you?

You're so nervous.

The enlarged right ovary displays
a growth the size of a pea,

differing in firmness
from surrounding tissue

and of a gray-yellow color.

The uterine cavity

holds a fetus three months old.

The stork finally landed
in your nest.

Don't rub it in.

Is this what it's all about?

There's no problem.
- There is!

You'll bear me
a little Turkish janissary.

What do you want from me?

What am I to you?

Your servant?
Your mistress?

I didn't sign on
to be your sl*ve!

Go away.

Wanted. ; Bu?atlija, Ahmet,
called "Meho."

Occupation. ; sanitation inspector.

Residence. ; Sremska 1.

For the m*rder
of Izabela Garodi,

pursuant to Article 135,
Section 2, of the Criminal Code.

Yugoslavia,
your people sing of your glory

Our nation, filled with our love

Be proud, Yugoslavia

Meho!

No!

I won't let you.

I won't let you do it!

Stop!

Meho!

Come back!

Be proud, Yugoslavia

He used to live here.
Came back dead drunk.

Didn't sober up for ten days.

We found him right there Sunday,
wallowing in sh*t like a pig.

Haven't seen him since.

But before that
he was a saint of a man,

meek as a lamb.

Suddenly something snapped,
and he went crazy.

My Commune,
dethrone today

Laziness and sloth,
these old habits!

Heart, renew yourself!

Onward, O time!

Wheels, gather momentum!

Cogwheel of time

Dayshift and nightshift
turn without ceasing

Make haste today!

Onward, O time!