Sex and the Teenage Mind (2002)

[bunniefuu]

[DROP BY PLAYING]

♪ My girl has a wicked style

♪ From her lips to her t*ts
and don't you forget that mind

♪ My friend

♪ I'll say I'm through

♪ They all think I'm whipped
'Cause I'm down with you

♪ In this world

♪ It's good to be alive

♪ When you miss
the one you love
Then she drops by

♪ You've got the key
to my door

♪ You've got the key
to my door

♪ And when I hear
that lock turn

♪ Anytime of day

♪ Anytime of night

♪ Come without a warning

♪ I've got nothing to hide

♪ There used to be a day

♪ As with traffic that came by

♪ Ex-girlfriend,
drug, my friend
You know what it's like

♪ In this world

♪ It's good to be alive

♪ When you miss
the one you love
Then she drops by

♪ My girl

♪ She's too

♪ You've got the key
to my door

♪ You've got the key
to my door

♪ And when I hear
that lock turn

♪ When I hear
that lock turning

♪ I know it's got
to be a good thing

♪ When we wake
in the morning

♪ I know

♪ Watch me now,
watch me now,
watch me now

♪ You got me coming
with the baby talk
all night

♪ You got me coming
with the baby talk

♪ With the pillow talk

♪ To the lover's lot

♪ With the baby talk

♪ Don't fear it

♪ In this world

♪ It's good to be alive

♪ When you miss
the one you love...

Hey.

Virgil.

♪ You've got the key
to my door

♪ And when I hear
that lock turn ♪

Oh, Virgil.

I love you, Virgil.

Oh, Virgil.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

FRANCINE:
Virgil, come on,
it's time to get up.

You'll be
late for school.

Oh, my God.

[SIGHING]

Good morning, Mom.

Good morning, honey.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Uh, you know...

Oh, you are so bad.

Are you gonna spank me?

Just don't start anything,
you won't get any breakfast.

Is that a threat or
a promise?

[GROANING]
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Uh-oh.

We will continue
this later.

So, Mom, how's
the arthritis today?

Like you give a sh*t.

[SQUAWKS] Earthquake!Sorry.

[CLATTERING]

sh*t!

Stanley.Mmm-hmm?

I've been thinking.Mmm-hmm.

Virgil needs
a girlfriend.

Hmm.

I mean, he really
needs a girlfriend.

What brought this on?

Well, you know,
he's a teenage boy

doing what most
teenage boys do

when they don't
have a girlfriend.

You don't want him
to go blind, do you?

[SIGHS] Stanley.

Yeah. You know,
our real concern
should be if he's...

If he's what?

Oh, if he's,
you know, normal.

What are you
talking about?

Well, look at him.
He's 17 years old.

He's never been
out with a girl.

Doesn't that
tell you anything?

What's it supposed
to tell me?

That he's a f*g.

[GASPS]

How can you say that?

Virgil's just a little slow
when it comes to girls.

[SIGHS]

It just started
doing this.

And Virgil is not g*y.

He's just a little immature.

VIRGIL: Hey!

Who turned off the water?

Uh...

Back on in a minute.

You know, he does have
your bottom.

Stanley.

Talk to Virgil.

Encourage him
to start dating.

You're his father.
Talk to him man to man.

I've had enough of you two.

[SIGHS]
I'm gonna take a dump.

Tomorrow,
we call the nursing home.

[EXHALES]

Dwayne, you forgot
your lunch!

And here's
your breakfast.

Thanks, Ma.

Okay, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.
I'm just not very hungry.

[GASPS]
Get back in the house.
I'm calling the doctor!

Mom, I'm not sick. I...

I'm just a little nervous.

About what?

You know. That thing
we talked about last night?

Oh, you mean about asking
Margaret Lapinski to the prom.

Oh, don't be nervous,
there's nothing to
be nervous about.

Oh, just ask her.
It'll be good for you.

Going out with a girl.
[CHUCKLES]

Maybe you won't spend so
much time in the bathroom
with those dirty magazines.

Ma!

What? You don't think
I know what you do
in there?

Ma!

It's normal,
for a teenage boy.

Now, your father,
what's his excuse?

I'm gonna be
late for school.

Well, have a nice day,
sweetheart.

Morning, dear.

[CEREAL SPILLING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

So, Virge,

Mom tells me
there's a senior prom
coming up at your school soon.

Uh, yeah.

All right.

Well, do you
have a date yet?

You know,
Dwayne and I were
just talking about that.

Really?

And what did
you guys decide?

Dwayne's gonna ask
Margaret Lapinski.

And who are you asking, dear?

I don't know.

I'm thinking about it.

Well, hang in there, Son.

If Dwayne can get
a date, anybody can.

[LAUGHING]

Thanks.

MARGARET: Dwayne, wait up.

Hi, Margaret.

Hi.

You on your way
to school?

Yeah, unfortunately.
You, too?

Yeah.

What kind of
sandwich is that?

Uh...

It's a salad. Egg.

Oh! It looks good.

Well, you want a bite?

Oh, thanks!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

That was good.

You want the rest?

Oh, thanks.

Gee, it's hard to imagine
that the senior prom is
only a couple of weeks off.

Yeah.

I suppose
you've already
asked somebody.

No, not really.

I mean,
there was this
one time and I was...

And then another time
when I was thinking...

But then the other day
I was thinking about and...

Yes!Huh?

Yes, I'll go with you!

Really?

That's great. [STAMMERS]
I mean, that's great!

We'll make
such a cute couple!

Right. Fat and fatter!

What did you say?

Nothing.You called me fat!

No, just
pleasantly plump.

Oh! You shitheel!

You think I'm fat?

Try looking in the mirror,
blubber butt!

Does that mean we're not
gonna go to the prom together?

Of course
I'm gonna go with you.

You can't get out of it
that easy.

She is a rough girl.

I like it.

You know, Son,

when a boy gets
to be your age,
there's...

Well, there's,
like, these urges,

I guess you'd call them.

Being a healthy
young male, these...

Well, these urges,
they need to be addressed.

Oh, God!
Please don't go there.

I know, sometimes
being a teenager...

Heck! I was
a teenager myself once.

Sometimes the hormones
get going so fast,

you don't know if it's
a girl or a boy that
you want.

I mean, it's normal.

It doesn't mean
that you have to
be g*y or anything.

I mean, it doesn't mean that
you're g*y or anything
like that.

You know what I mean?

No.

I mean, you should
just go for the girls.

Yeah, girls
are the way to go.

Dad, I don't want girls.

Yes, you do.
Believe me, I know
what's best for you.

No, I don't
want any girl.

Try it first. I know
what I'm talking about.

No, Dad,
there's this one
girl that I want.

Now, look, it's just...

What did you say?

There's just one girl
that I wanna ask
to the prom

or anywhere else
for that matter.

It's Kellie Guthrie

and she is the
most beautiful,

most wonderful...

Well, yeah, that's
great, Son. [LAUGHS]

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]
Yeah, that's great.

Put on your seat belt.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Yo, Virge,
check this out.

Hey, Amy, baby,
how's it going?

So, when are
we gonna hang?

Later, huh?
Okay, you keep walking.

I'll meet you there.

Okay, Virge,
tell me the truth.

Do I got a shot at
getting lucky with
Margaret?

I think
that all depends on
how you define lucky.

Well, sh*t, man,
I just know it's gonna happen.

I mean,
it's the law of averages.

How many times
can I strike out?

You really want me
to answer that?

Okay, you see this baby?

I've been
saving it for two years
and every day it says to me,

[FRENCH ACCENT] "Tonight,
is it going to be tonight?"

[NORMAL ACCENT]
Well, on prom night
I get to say, "Yes!"

Your condom
talks to you?

No, as*h*le,
I mean it... Well...

[FRENCH ACCENT] Forget it.
He no understand, Pierre.

How do you know
it's still any good?

[NORMAL ACCENT]
Why shouldn't it be?

Look, I know it's a couple
years old and a little sticky,

but it's still good.
Oh, yeah.

I swear, Dwayne,
you have got to be

the biggest dumbshit
I have ever known.

Oh, yeah?

Well, okay Mr. Big Shot,
so who're you gonna ask
to the prom, huh?

Kellie.Kellie Guthrie?

Yeah. Why not?

Well, one reason
may be that Scott,

her boyfriend,
will rip off your head
and use it as a bowling ball.

Oh, no, no, no.
See, you haven't heard.

They broke up, my friend.

They broke up.

The field is wide open.

Yeah, well, still, how
the hell are you gonna
ask her, smartass?

You can't even think
about Kellie without
getting a hard on.

I got that
taken care of, too.

[WHISPERS] Come here.

Uh-huh.

Today is the day.

You could've
washed it first.

[ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER PAIN
IN THE a*s PLAYING]

♪ Another pain in the a*s

♪ Another pain in the a*s

Hey, Kellie.

Hi, Herbert.

♪ Another, another,
another pain

Virgil.

♪ Another pain
It's all in my head

♪ Another day in my head

[NEATNESS COUNTS PLAYING]

♪ Sitting in World History

♪ The final in-class essay

♪ You were sitting
next to me

♪ Your skirt
all short and sassy

♪ Hands start shaking

♪ Turn my test
into the teacher

♪ Turned around
and heard him say

♪ "Wait a minute

♪ "You, there
You got it all wrong

♪ "Neatness counts

♪ "Do it again"

♪ Sitting in the parking lot

♪ After a scary movie

♪ You were looking
wicked hot

♪ The fire burns
right through me ♪

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

It's not possible
one of our students
is cheating.

Now, that's not
possible, is it?

It appears to me,
Miss Guthrie,

you've left me no choice
but to give you an "F."

Of course,
you know what that means.

You flunk US History.

So, class,

can you think of anything
worse than cheating?

Your boyfriend farting
on your first date?[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Your girlfriend telling you
she's pregnant?

Having your mom
walk in on you
while you're...

Enough. I get the point.

Now, as for you,
young lady...

Excuse me,
Mr. Klausman?

Virgil. Those are my notes.

What?What?

Those are my study notes.

I like to go over them
before a test, you know.

But they must have
fallen out of my pocket

when I went
for my inhaler
'cause I have this asthma...

What are you babbling about,
Mr. Heitmeyer?

Well, I'm sorry
if I caused
any trouble, sir,

but those are my notes.

You, sir, are a liar.

Mr. Klausman,
I may just be
a kid, you know.

Immature in many ways
and, you know, not yet

sophisticated in the ways
of the world per se...

Do you have a point,
Mr. Heitmeyer?

Yes, sir.
I do not lie.

My integrity's never been
brought into question
and frankly,

I kind of
resent the accusation.
Now, those are my notes.

Not that I needed them.
I mean, this test is
really easy.

You know,
it's kind of a joke.
I mean, number six,

"Who was
the general in charge
of the Confederate Army?"

What kind of idiot doesn't
know that that was
Robert E. Lee?

And number 10,

"Which Union general
captured Atlanta?"

[SCOFFS] Sherman.

Could it get any easier?
Look at this.

"When did the Civil w*r end?"
April, 1865.

"Where is Fort Sumter
located?"

Charleston,
South Carolina.
Hello? [SCOFFS]

"What was the name of the
North's ironclad warship?"

The Monitor.
And you know what,

if you don't know
that Ulysses S. Grant

was the head
of the Union Army,

you really shouldn't
be in this class
to begin with.

[BELL RINGING]

Have a nice day.

Oh, way to go, bro.

Old man Klausman
didn't know whether
to sh*t or go blind.

I don't know
what came over me.

You know,
I was just like,

I didn't like the way
he was talking to Kellie
and so I just, you know...

Ah, man,
you saved my a*s.

Look, I'll probably
pass that test now.
Mmm-hmm.

Virgil.

Hi.Hi.

I just wanted to thank you
for what you did.

It was really brave of you.

It wasn't anything.

Oh, believe me, it was.

If I would've
flunked that test,

I probably
wouldn't have graduated.

I don't know what
I can do to thank you.

Well, you could go
to the prom with me

and after that
we could have sex.

Kellie, Kellie,
we have some fabulous news.

Fabulous.

Okay, give me a minute,
Debbie, I'm talking
to Virgil.

Just kind of
don't announce it.

Thanks again, Virgil.
We'll talk later.

You really
saved my butt.

Jesus, Scott,
you see that?

She just kissed
the little jerk.

Of course, I saw it.
I'm not blind,
for Christ sake.

Oh!

Oh, man.

That was better
than a wet dream.

[EXHALES]

You better watch out, stud.

She might be going
for the brainy type.

Go f*ck yourself.

Hey, how's it going?

Good. How are you?

Hey!

Oh, okay.

If you even look at
Kellie again,

I'm gonna
tear your arms off and
shove them up your a*s.

Is there a problem here?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Hooperman.

Virgil here just
spilled his milk

and I was helping
him dry off.

That was real
nice of you, Scott.

There you go,
little buddy.

You gotta be more
careful next time.

I don't understand you,
Kellie.

I thought you'd
be thrilled to death
that Scott wants you back.

Well, you thought wrong.

But you guys make
such a cute couple.

You know, Kellie,
there's not a girl
in the school

that wouldn't die to
trade places with you.

Well, that works,
because there isn't
a girl in the school

that Scott
wouldn't screw if
he had the chance.

Is that
what happened
at Gina's party?

Oh, hmm,
you think?

You know,
I think you're being
really narrow-minded.

Hi, Kell.

Can I talk to you
a minute?

Yeah, we'll...
We'll just wait
in the car.

We will?

So, I've thought a lot
about us in the past
few days.

I was thinking, well,
maybe I made a mistake.

Oh, really.
About what?

You know, about
breaking up with you.

I mean,
the prom's coming up

and well, we make
such a great couple.

Do we?Well, yeah.

I mean, everyone says so.

Hell, we'll probably
get voted king and queen.

You know, Scott,
you have a short
g*dd*mn memory.

What?

Gina's house
last Saturday,
you forget already?

You take me to a party and
end up screwing Melanie in
the back bedroom.

Is any of
this sounding
familiar to you?

Come on, Kell.

I mean, [SCOFFS] you know
she doesn't mean anything
to me.

Obviously, neither do I.

That's not true.
You're my girl.

I'm nobody's girl.

And just to
set the record straight,
I broke up with you, as*h*le.

And the last thing I wanna do
is get back together.

Hey, what is it with you?[SCOFFS]

What do you...
You want me to
apologize or something?

I don't want you
to do a damn thing.

Now get your
hands off me.

I suppose you'd rather go
to the prom with that
geek Virgil.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

At least he has his brains
in his head and not
in his d*ck.

♪ One day
I'll get rid of
all the assholes

♪ Like you
In my life

♪ One day
I'll get rid of
all the assholes

♪ Like you
In my life

♪ In my life

Oh, Virgil.
Oh, Virgil, man.

Virgil, check this out.

Have you ever seen
such a beautiful snatch?

Ain't it incredible?

Maybe if you're
a gynecologist.

Oh, sh*t, man,
I'm telling you,

this is
the best magazine
ever to jerk off to.

You wanna
use my bathroom?

Hey, yeah. Can I?

No, I guess I'll wait
till I get home.

[SQUAWKS]
Dwayne's a whack-off.

Oh, that's it.
They say you're a parrot.

A parrot's a bird.
A bird's a chicken.

And fat people
love to eat chicken,

so leave me alone
or I'm gonna eat you.

Fat f*ck.
Fat f*ck,
fat f*ck.

Oh, that's it!
Virgil, get the frying pan.

Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne,
Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne!What? What? What? What?

Oh, sh*t.

You're arguing with a parrot.[SQUAWKS]

Well, he started it.

Okay, let's just forget
about the parrot for now.

Do you realize
how completely cool
I became today?

How's that?

Dude, Kellie kissed me,

in public, right
in front of everybody.

Well, yeah,
and you almost had
your head handed to you.

Remember that?

[SIGHS]

It was worth it.

[LAUGHS]

Do you realize
if I had moved my head
just a little bit,

she would've kissed me
right on the lips.

Maybe you're right.

Dude, if you're cool

and I'm your best friend,

dude, that makes me
cool, too.

[LAUGHING]

Yes!

Amy's such an airhead.

We have
high impact double
step speed aerobics

in an hour and
she forgot her outfit.

And, dork, why do you take
a shower before you work out?

Josh is going to
be there.

Geez, Deb, you want me
to smell or something?

Kell.

Look, I... I know
that you're pissed
at Scott right now,

but in a day or two,
things will look different.

Not a chance in hell.

I hate that egotistical
son of a b*tch.

You were kidding about
going to prom with
that geek, weren't you?

His name is Virgil

and I was only half kidding.

Jesus, Kellie,
do you wanna destroy
your reputation totally?

What's so bad about Virgil?

Maybe he's a bit of
a nerd, but...

A bit? Get real.

He's not bad looking,
and he's smart

and there's sort of
an innocent charm
about him.

Are we talking
about the same guy?

Maybe you don't see it,
but he's more of a man
than you think.

Mature, sophisticated,

even worldly.

[FARTING]

[FARTING]

[EXCLAIMS]

Top that, bro.

[FARTING]

Okay.

[GRUNTING]

[FARTING]

Gas mask! Gas mask!
Oh, my God. [COUGHING]

I gotta use your bathroom.

I'm gonna get going.

Okay, but you know, just
think carefully before you
do something you'll regret.

Look, Deb,
Virgil really
saved my butt.

If it wasn't for him,
I probably wouldn't graduate.

What he did for me
was very gallant.

[SCOFFS] Gallant?

Yeah, like one of
King Arthur's knights.

Oh, maybe you should
buy him a suit of armor.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
You know, I really wanna
do something nice for him.

Well, he's probably
still a virgin.

Why don't you
just f*ck him?

[SIGHS]

Now, why didn't
I think of that?

Oh, God,
tell me you're joking.

Relax.

Not me, but Amy did
give me a great idea.

[MUSIC BLARING ON STEREO]

I caught one.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah?

KELLIE: Virgil.

Hi, Kellie.

[MUSIC STOPS] Um...

I'm just over
at Debbie's house

and we're talking about
what a cool guy you are.

Really?

Yeah, really.

What you did for me
was very gutsy.

I just don't know
what I can do to
thank you.

[WHISPERS]
Oh, dude! Blow job!

[STAMMERING] I'm glad that
I was able to help.
That's all.

That's what I like
about you, Virgil.
You're so nice.

Thanks.

I was thinking,
if you're not doing
anything tomorrow night,

maybe you can
come over to
my house.

We could, you know,
have dinner,
just kind of hang out.

On a school night?[EXCLAIMS]

Well, we could
make it Friday
if you want.

No, tomorrow night
is great.

It's better.
It's perfect.

Okay.

Well, my address is
234 Ashbrook

and I guess I'll see you
about 6:00?

Okay, 6:00.

Okay.Bye.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

I don't believe this.
You and Kellie Guthrie
alone together.

Just the two of you.

Oh, man,
this is so great.

What's the matter?

Holy sh*t, Dwayne.

I'm gonna spend a whole
evening alone with
Kellie Guthrie?

I've never spent that much
time alone with a girl before.

[STAMMERING]
What if I can't
think of anything to say,

or what if I just
ramble on or I can't...

What if she finds out
that I'm really just,
you know, a dork?

Virge,

you're not a dork, okay?

So knock that sh*t off.

Look, Kellie invited you,
no one else.

Out of all
the guys in school,
Kellie invited you.

You're so cool.
You're the Ice King.

Till I melt down.

No way, dude.

I'm not gonna
let that happen.

You just listen
to your old buddy.

All you gotta do
is think John Travolta.

John Travolta?

Yeah, as in
Saturday Night Fever.

Oh, man,
that was so cool.

He was, like,
the coolest dude
that ever lived.

So that's all I gotta do,
is just act like
John Travolta.

No, not act like.

You gotta be
John Travolta.

It's all a matter of attitude.

Well, attitude and a condom.

Oh! Virge!

We're talking hump city here,
you know?

Slipping her the sausage,
stuffing the weenie,
reeling out the old snake.

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about
getting your V card punched.

Her parents are gonna
be there, for Christ sake.

Oh, man,
her parents are old.

They're, like, 40.

They'll be asleep by 9:00.

Okay.

Okay.

I was saving
this for myself,
but what the hell,

what are friends for?

That's okay. I'll just...

I'll pick
one up myself.

All right.

Not that I'm gonna
need it.

Attitude, man.

Look, think
John Travolta
and you will prevail.

You are the Ice King.

You know something,
Dwayne, you're right.

I know.

Kellie invited me.
Me, Virgil Heitmeyer.You. You.

The Heitmeister.

I'm cool.You're hot.

I am the Ice King.

I am John Travolta!

Hey, hey, hey.
Virge, Virge.

Hey, hey,
Virgil, Virgil,

you think Debbie would
go out with me if
I asked her?

You never know till you try.

But I don't even have
her phone number.

Dude, you don't need
her phone number.

Star 69.

Mmm?

Remember.
John Travolta, hmm?

[EXHALES]

[PHONE RINGING]

[RINGING]

Hello?

Hey, Debbie.
Hey, it's me, Dwayne.

Yeah, Virgil's friend?

You sure you got
the right number?

Well, I was
sort of wondering

if you weren't busy
tomorrow evening,

maybe me and you could,
well, you know, sort of

hang out?

With you?

Uh, yeah.

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMS]

I guess I'll take that
as a no.

[PARROT SQUAWKING]

Big fat f*ck.

Sure.

Go ahead
and sh*t on me.

Everyone else does.

ELECTRONIC VOICE:
If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and try again.

[BANGING ON WINDOW]

What the hell
are you doing?

Come on,
hurry up and get dressed.

Look, we gotta get
to school early today.

The sun isn't even up yet.

Yes, it is.
Please, Virge,
I need your help.

Come on,
I'll explain later.

This has gotta
be a nightmare.

Geez, Dwayne.

I could've slept for
another hour, you know.

Oh, you could've slept
for another hour.

I haven't slept all night.

So what is this,
misery loves company?

It's Debbie.

What about her?

I've been turned
down by girls before.
Lots of times, actually.

So I'm pretty much
used to it,

but I have never,
ever, ever have been
shot down like that.

It was pretty brutal.

Well, she's not gonna
get away with it.

You're not
thinking of doing
anything stupid, are you?

No.

I'm thinking of doing
something smart.

Okay, because
I'm familiar with
your past schemes,

and the fact that you haven't
been expelled or thrown into
jail, for that matter,

I just kind of chalk up
to pure dumb luck.

See, this is different.

Remember my Uncle Carmine
I was telling you about?

The one with the
spy shop downtown?

Right.

Okay.

Get off me.

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

[WHISTLING]

[EXHALES IN RELIEF]

Okay.

Stop.

Okay. You're the lookout.

You see anybody coming,
you knock

three times.

Okay.

What's that gonna do?

I don't know.
It'll give me a chance
to hide or something.

In the girls' room?

Just do it, okay?
We're running out of time.

Okay, but you still
haven't told me
what we're doing yet.

Okay.

Margaret Lapinski told me
that every morning before
first period,

Debbie goes
into the last stall
in the girls' bathroom.

She's pretending to
take a leak,

but what she's actually
doing is grabbing a smoke.

[CHUCKLES]

What's that?

A miniature TV camera.

Oh, no kidding.

Uncle Carmine's got
all kind of sh*t
like this.

Receiver,
transmitter,

anything the miniature camera
can see can be sent to any
television I want.

Oh, okay.

No. Are...
Are you sure about this?

I mean, this could
totally backfire on you.

Oh, after what
Debbie did to me,

I would say
it's worth the risk.

So, are you with me, bro?

Come on.To the bitter end.

All right.
Let's go get her.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

[CHATTERING]

Showtime.

[WHISPERS]
Dude, here she comes.

♪ From our first little kiss

♪ To our last goodbye

♪ When I think of you

♪ I just wanna die

♪ There should be a law

♪ Against the pain
you caused

♪ Lookin' innocent

♪ Hope you're suffering

♪ Oh, yeah
You make it hard on me

♪ Oh, yeah
You stole my heart from me ♪

[FARTS][ALL LAUGHING]

What do you people
think you're doing?

[FARTING CONTINUES]

[TV SWITCHES OFF]

[STUDENTS STOP LAUGHING]

You!

To the principal's office.

Now!

And as for
the rest of you,

when I find out
who was responsible
for this outrage,

and I will find out,
believe me.

The culprit or culprits
will wish they had
never been born.

[GULPS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Yes!Yes!

Oh, man, we did it.

Who said revenge
isn't so sweet?

It was awesome.
It was f*cking awesome.

Dude, forget about
all the detention
she's gonna get.

Wait till her parents
get a hold of her.

She's gonna
be grounded for
the rest of her life.

And we need to
go to the drugstore.

What for?

Duh, you and Kellie tonight.

Bedroom Olympics.

No, you see,
I got that all covered.

My dad, he keeps
a secret stash
by his bed.

So, you know, it's not
like he's gonna miss one.

You mean,
your parents actually...

Yeah, it's not
a pretty picture, is it?

No.

So, do you know
how to use a condom?

What's to know?

Geez, man,
there is a technique.

I mean,
you don't wanna
be fumbling around

while Kellie's lying there
waiting for you.

Hi, Kell.

Besides, I mean, if
you're taking too long
fumbling and stumbling,

well, you know
you could... Well...

[IMITATES expl*si*n]

Before you even
get to Kellie.

Trust me on this one.

Okay, what's the technique?

Got any bananas at home?

What, are you hungry?

Okay, now hand me
the raincoat.

Hmm?The condom.

Mmm, right,
right, right.

Okay. Now,
the thing is,

you need two hands
to do this correctly.

Technique.Right.

Okay, so what we have
to do now is...

Okay, you hold the banana
right there, while I put
the rubber on.

Wait a minute.
Something's not right here.

Ah! See, you don't
put the condom on
someone else,

you put a condom
on yourself.

No sh*t. No sh*t.

That's it.
Shut up, you fleabag.
I will feed you to the cat.

Wait, wait, Dwayne,
Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.What?

Could you forget
about the parrot
for a second,

and, you know, focus?

Okay, I'll deal
with you later.

[SQUAWKS]
Page me, sweetheart.

Okay. Get behind me.

I'm sorry?

Just do what I said.
Get behind me and
reach around.

Uh...

Okay, look at that.
What's going on?

Relax.

Just hold the banana
out in front of me.

All right.Okay?

So, what you do now is,

you take the condom
from its wrapping, okay?

Uh-huh.There you go.

Place it on the tip
of your d*ck.

Gently, gently.Okay. Okay. Okay, yeah.

And you just
start unrolling it.

Oh, yeah.

Just like that. You see?
You see how that works?

Yes.Technique.

Yeah, I like that.You like that?

Yeah.I like it, too.

Stanley!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I can't let you
do this, Kellie.

I'm your best friend
and I cannot stand by
and watch you ruin your life.

Are you okay?No!

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about you
and the geek.

You and Virgil spending
the evening together.

That's what
I'm talking about.

Debbie, you and I have been
good friends for a long time,
so I appreciate your concern.

But this is really
none of your business.

But it is.
Can't you see?

As my friend, everything
you do reflects on me.

I spend an entire lifetime
building this incredibly
cool reputation

and you're gonna tear
it apart in five minutes?

So, let me get this straight.
This really isn't about me,
it's about you.

Well, yes, but Kellie...

It's about you, too.

I mean,
this is what
life is all about.

If you can't be cool
if you can't be popular,

if you're not seen
with the right people,

then, well,
what's the point of
going to school at all?

Oh, okay.
Just go home, Deb.

I can't deal
with this right now.

I need to get
to the kitchen.Listen, Kell...

I was just wondering...

I mean, I'm probably gonna
be grounded for a really
long time,

but I was just thinking that
maybe after that, if you
didn't mind,

if it'll be okay with you
if I... If I go after Scott.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, sure,
that will be great.

I actually think
you two would make
a really great couple.

Really?Oh, really.

[GASPING] Gee, thanks, Kell.Oh, sure.

Bye.

[PANTING] Hi.

You're late.

I know, I'm sorry.

It's kind of
a long story, but
me and Virge, well,

we sort of
had a problem
with a banana.

Bananas are
not on your diet.
Way too many carbs.

The problem was
not eating the banana,
it was putting the con...

Forget it.

What are you wearing?
I thought you'd never
been jogging before.

My mom forced me
to fat camp.

Okay. Two miles today,
then tomorrow we up
it to three miles.

Two miles?
Like in miles?

Mmm-hmm. And if we
keep up a good pace,

we can burn up to
1,000 calories
per mile.

But two miles?

[SIGHING] We made a pact
in school this morning,
Dwayne.

Or have you forgotten?

No, I know
we made a pact,

both to lose
20 pounds before
the senior prom, but...

Right. And this is
the only way we can do it.

But two miles?Dwayne!

[PANTING]

Am I glad that's over.

I couldn't have
gone another foot.

Dwayne, we've only gone
a quarter of a mile.

What? Come on, Margaret.

You don't
want me to have
a heart attack, do you?

I mean,
if I had a heart attack,
who would take you to prom?

Okay. Maybe we're
pushing it for today.

But tomorrow
we go again, right?

You got it.

You'll see, Dwayne,
all the good things
that can come from exercise!

[BURPS]

It's like working up
a healthy appetite.

Bring on the dogs.

Aw, come on.

I know times are tough,
but I like a lot
of sauerkraut.

Kid, it's none
of my business,

but you gotta go
easy on this sauerkraut.

Are you kidding?
This is the healthiest
thing I've eaten all day.

All year.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Pull over, pull over.

I'm gonna have some fun
with that fat f*ck.

[CHUCKLES]

DWAYNE: So how many
now was that? Four?

Six.Six?

Hey, dickhead.
How's it going?

Where's that little
geek pal of yours?

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

[GRUNTING]

Come on, get over here.

Well, I got
a message for him and
you're gonna deliver it.

You got that, tubby?

Just back off, Scott.
I'm starting to feel ill.

You hear that, guys?
Poor baby's
starting to feel ill.

ALL: Aw.

Listen to me,
you little sh*t.

If I catch Virgil
anywhere near Kellie,

I'm gonna pound him
into the ground.

[GRUNTS]

And then,
I'm coming after you.

Just for the fun of it.

Okay, just don't
push me again, Scott.

I'm warning you.

You're warning me?

[ALL GROANING]

Oh, hell, no.
Not my car, we ain't.

You know,
I'm hungry again.

Let's go for
number seven.

[BURPS]

♪ Oh, can't you see
I'm your imaginary lover?

♪ Your body's moving
'cause I'm making it

♪ I am, I am, I am
Your unreal lover[WHISTLES]

♪ And I could feel
when you're faking it

♪ Come on,
be my imaginary lover

♪ Come on,
let's get intertwined

♪ Make believe
and you will see

♪ There's more
than meets the eye

♪ When your eyes meet mine

♪ Yeah, when your eyes
meet mine

♪ Imaginary lover

♪ And when you imagine
a life, put on ♪

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

[PHONE RINGING]

[RINGING]

Oh, yeah, right there, baby.

[EXCLAIMS]

Hello.

Yeah, hi, it's me.
I'm getting ready
to leave.

Okay, hey,
remember what I told you.

John Travolta.

Right. Got it.

Hey, what are you
doing tonight?

Actually, I'm kind of
busy right now.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[DWAYNE MOANING]Doing what?

Look, can I call
you tomorrow? Oh!

[MOANS] Oh, baby!
Yeah. Oh!

[SQUAWKING]
Think Travolta.

Ah, yeah.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPING] Oh, Virgil!

Oh, my gosh, my baby.
Virgil, are you okay?

Let me look
at your head.

Oh, it's just a little bump.
It's just a little bump.
It's okay.

There you go.

Oh, okay.

Well, you look
pretty spiffy.

And you got some roses.
What are you, going on
a date?

As a matter of fact...

Oh!

Kellie Guthrie.

Is that the Kellie
you were drooling over?

Mmm, yeah.
That's the one.

Okay. That's my boy.[CHUCKLING]

Oh. Oh, are you sure
you should go, though?

You might have
a concussion and...

Oh, he's okay.
A little bump on the
head's not gonna hurt him.

Uh-huh.

Oh, you know what,
I'm kind of running late.

Can I borrow the car?

Absolutely. I got it
all gassed up,
ready to go.

[GASPS] Ow!

[MUTTERING]

Thanks. Bye.Okay.

Hey, Virge, get lucky.

You know, speaking
of getting lucky...

[EXCLAIMS] You devil.

Race you to the bedroom.

I'll beat you.Oh!

sh*t!

[PARENTS CHATTERING]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

FRANCINE:
Monkey. Swing me, baby.

STANLEY:
Oh, yeah. Ooh, yeah.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

[GRUNTS]

John Travolta.
John Travolta.
John Travolta.

Okay. Okay.

[ROCK SONG PLAYING ON RADIO]

♪ Been walkin' all over
Kentish Town

♪ Trying my best
to track you down

♪ One, nine, two
and four, one, one

♪ Eight, six, seven, five,
three-oh-nine

♪ Walkin' all over
Camden Town

♪ Doctor, Doctor
Give me the news

♪ Got a bad case
of lovin' you

♪ Every song on the radio

♪ Is about you and me

♪ How I love my radio

[SIGHS]

[GAGGING]

[SPITS]

♪ I saw this woman
She had it going on

♪ I saw this moron
His head would seem gone

[HORN HONKS]

♪ If I play my cards right,
there's going to be no joker

♪ I'd give my side

♪ You've heard the story

♪ Don't you know
that unique got so bleak

♪ Is what I witnessed
He treating her bad

♪ And I don't want her
to be sad

♪ I'm here to protect
and serve

♪ The world is going down
There's a new sheriff in town

♪ The world is going down

[SIGHS] ♪ There's a new
sheriff in town

♪ The world is going down
There's a new sheriff
in town ♪

[FARTING]

Ah!

[GROANS]

[LAUGHS] I stuck...

Oh, well,
these are for you.

They're lovely.

Virgil, thank you.
That's very thoughtful
of you.

Come on in.

Make yourself at home.

I will
find something
to put these in.

How did you know
that I like roses?

Oh, I don't know.
You just seem like
a roses kind of person to me.

You're late.
I was beginning
to worry about you.

You were?

Yeah. I mean, you're
the kind of person
who's always on time.

You're very responsible.

Thanks.

So, what happened?

Huh?

Oh, it was a long story.

There were sprinklers
and they were like,
[EXCLAIMS] and stuff.

But it's okay.
Now it's all good.

Good.

Unfortunately,
I have some bad news.

What?

My grandmother's ill.
She lives in Santa Barbara,

so my folks drove up
to be with her.

They're not gonna
be back till tomorrow.

So it's just you and me.

You're gonna have to
put up with my cooking.

Oh! Well, that's...
That's great.

I mean, not about
your grandmother
'cause that's not...

That's not great at all.
That's bad, but your cooking.

[STAMMERING] So that's great.
I look forward to eating you.

[EXCLAIMS] To your cooking.
To eating your cooking,
not your...

Well, you know.Yeah.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, God. Here.
Are you okay?

[GRUNTING] Yeah.

Okay. Okay.
Do you wanna
try to get up?

Okay.Okay.

Here, okay.
Under your arms. Ready?

Slow.

[BONE CRACKS][EXCLAIMS]

Where does it hurt?Um...

Well...Over here?

Little lower, actually.

Over here?

Yes.

I think we better
have dinner.

Okay.

Smells good.

Mmm.

Was everything okay?

Oh, it was great.
It was incredible.
You are one good cook. Yeah.

[LAUGHS] Well, I'm glad
you enjoyed everything.

Really good.

And so how's
your back doing?

Hmm? Oh, it's...
It's fine.

It's fine. It's great.
The pain is very mild.

That's good.
My dad has back problems,

so I know how painful
they can be.

Well, it's
much better, really.

So, can I help you
clean up?

Oh, no. Clarietta, will
get them in the morning.

So what do you wanna do now?

Well, what I'd like to do is
tear your clothes off and
f*ck your brains out.

What would you
like to do?

Wanna sh**t some baskets?

Baskets? Um...

Like basketball.
You do play, don't you?

[STUTTERING]
Yes. Yes, I do. Yes.

Yes, I'm a regular
Toby Ryan.

[LAUGHS] Great. Come on.

Virge, your turn.

[GRUNTS]

[GROANING]

[IN HIGH PITCHED TONE] ba*ls.

Oh, no.

Are you okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, is there
anything I can do?

Well, you could put it
in your mouth and
keep it there

for two hours or so
until it stops hurting,

whichever takes longer.

I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.

Oh. Oh, you poor baby.

Oh, I know just
what'll make you feel better.

A hot Jacuzzi.

Well, it'll help
your back and your...

Well, everything.

Okay?Mmm.

You wanna get up? Okay.Yeah.

[BONE CRACKING][GRUNTS] Okay.

Okay?Okay.

I'm good. Come on.

I'll get
the door for you.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Here's one of my dad's
bathing suits.

You can just
put it on in there.Thanks.

And, Virge, I want
you feeling better.

I have
a little surprise
for you later, okay?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Hi, Kell.

What are you doing here?

Whoa. Whoa, what
happened to, "Hi, Scott?"

I'm really busy right now.

Oh, come on, Kell, I just
wanna talk to you for
a minute.

Hey, whose car is out front?

Somebody over here?

Oh, that would be
none of your business.

Now you and your boys
need to go.

Christ. I turn my back
for five minutes,

you're already screwing
around with somebody else?

What does it take
to get through that
thick skull of yours?

You and I,
if there ever was
a you and I, are through.

Finished. Kaput. Now,
like I said befre,
I'm really busy.

Yeah?Yeah.

Doing what?

Entertaining a guest.

[WHISTLING]

SCOTT:
Why do you always think
I'm trying to start a fight?

KELLIE:
'Cause that's
what you do, Scott.

You've got a typical
jock mentality.

Just because I happen
to be a great athlete

doesn't mean
I don't care
about people.

Jesus, Scott, the only person
you've ever cared about
was yourself.

You're jealous,
aren't you?

That's what
this is all about.

Well, it's not
my fault that girls
find me irresistible.

You don't have a clue, do you?What?

You are the shallowest, most
narcissistic human being
I've ever known.

You've got some guy
over here, don't you?

Scott, give it a rest.

Who is it?

Just get out of here,
Scott. I mean it.

No, not until
you tell me who it is.

[PHONE RINGING]What, so you can
get into a fight,

show me what a macho
jerk you are?

DWAYNE:
[ON ANSWERING MACHINE]
If you're calling for Dwayne,

I'm busy cooking dinner
for my donkey.

sh*t!

Would you just get out of
here, Scott? Now! I mean it.

No. It's not
my fault that girls
find me irresistible.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Damn it, Kellie, stop
playing head games with me.

I don't
give a damn
what you say.

You and I belong together
and that's the way
it's gonna be.

Stop it, Scott.

Hey, you...

You just let her go.

No, it's okay, Virgil.
Scott was just leaving.

Like hell I am.

This is the little
shithead you've been
f*cking around with?

You get out of here,
Scott, right now.

I mean it.

What?

And who's gonna make me?
You skinny little dork.

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

[WHIMPERING]

My arm's broken.

It's my throwing arm.

You son of a b*tch,
you broke my arm.

I'm gonna sue
the sh*t out of you.
My dad's a lawyer.

Yeah, you do that, Scott.

I'm sure everyone in school
will love to hear
how Virgil broke your arm.

Come on, Scott,
let's go.

[EXCLAIMING] Careful!
God! Get me
to an emergency room.

Hurry up. Oh, sh*t.
Coach is gonna k*ll me.

Well, what do you
think, Sir Galahad?

Shall we try
the Jacuzzi now?

Huh.

[WATER RUNNING]

All ready?

Well, that's a bathtub.

It's a Jacuzzi.

Oh, come on, we're
in our bathing suits.

Virgil, this will be
good for you.

Come on.

Oh! Oh, oh, sorry.

[GIGGLES]

It's hot.

Is the bathing suit okay?

Yes, it's great.
It's, you know, roomy.

And how are you
feeling now?

Oh, my back is fine.

I meant the other.

[STUTTERING]
That's fine. That's great.

Not that it's,
you know, great.

It's just, it doesn't...
Doesn't hurt anymore.

So, I wanted to thank you

for having me over tonight.

Oh, it was the least
I could do.

I mean,
after what you did for me.

You were so brave

and I'm not talking about
what you did with Scott
just then.

I mean the way
you stood up
to Klausman.

[LAUGHS]
He didn't have a clue
as to what was going on.

Guess it was
kind of funny.

Why did you do it?

Well, I guess I just

didn't like the way that
Klausman was talking
to you, that's all.

Yeah, but you could've
gotten in a lot of trouble,

and for someone
you hardly knew.

I mean, I've never even
really been friendly
towards you.

And to tell you the truth,
Virgil, I hardly knew
you existed.

I know that.

Then why?

Because I thought you were

the most beautiful,
most wonderful girl.

And I knew that...
I don't know. I...

I knew a guy like me could
never be with a girl
like you, but...

I mean, 'cause you could have
anybody that you wanted,
you know?

You could... Like Scott,

someone who's handsome and
athletic and all that stuff.

I mean, I can't...
I can't compete with that.

But still, I dreamed.

And when
Klausman started
in on you, I just...

I just felt
I had to do something.

Don't put yourself
down like that, Virgil.

You have so much more
going for you than
that jerk Scott.

And I'm glad you did
what you did.

Otherwise we wouldn't have
a chance together like this.

Me, too.

[SIGHS] You are nothing
like I thought you'd be.

How's that?

Well...

I don't know,
a girl like you,
you know, I mean, beautiful...

Sometimes they can be
really shallow.

And they just don't care
about anybody else, but
you're different.

You care about other people.

I care about you, Virge.

I care about you,
too, Kellie.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Uh...

Oh, um...

That, uh,

surprise I was
telling you about.

I guess it's here.

Oh, uh...

Uh... Uh...

Well, come on, Virge,
this is for you.

[EXCLAIMS]

Um, just...

Just wrap the towel
around you and follow me.

[SIGHS] Great.

Just go in there.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Am I on time?

Yeah, just on time.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Are you Virgil Heitmeyer?

[STAMMERING] Yes.

I'll be in the other room.

Well, then you
are under arrest.

What did I do?

Oh, it's not
what you did, Virgie.
It's what I'm gonna do to you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Usually I just dance.

[GULPS]

But tonight, Virgie,
tonight you're gonna
get it all.

[MUSIC STOPS]

That was quick.

You can say that again.

Why? What happened?

That's the point,
nothing happened.

You don't think
he's, like, g*y,
do you?

No.

Not a chance.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ There is a place

♪ There is a time to love you

I guess my idea
of a surprise
wasn't so great.

♪ You like to move

♪ Nobody's wrong

♪ But it's time to move on

♪ We're no less than angels

♪ I'm only guessing

Oh.

You know, you're an
unusual boy, Virgil.

I don't know too many guys
who would've passed up
an opportunity like that.

Yeah? Neither do I.

Then why did you?

Because this has been
the most wonderful night
of my life,

and the reason is
because I was with you.

I mean,

If I had,
you know, with her,

it would've spoiled
everything.

And I just didn't
want that to happen.

So you mean being with me
would've been okay?

No, it would've been perfect.

♪ Rock me gently

♪ No less than angels

Let's go for perfect.

♪ I'm only guessing

♪ I believe it

♪ In this heart of mine

So, do you know
how to use a condom?

What's to know?

Geez, man,
there is a technique.

What you do now is,
you take the condom

from it's wrapping, okay?

Uh-huh.There you go.

Place it on the tip
of your d*ck.

Gently, gently.Okay, okay.

Okay. And then
you just start unrolling.

Look at that.

DWAYNE: [ECHOING] Technique.

Can I help you
with that?

[STUTTERING]

No, I'm fine.

[GIGGLING]

You were so much

better than I thought
you would be.

♪ I want to groove

♪ I want to groove
All night with you ♪

Oh, Virgil.

Oh, Virgil.

Oh, Virgil.

Oh, Virgil.

Baby, are you all right?

Um...

Speak to me, baby.

Oh, I think
he's coming around.

Oh, sh*t.

What?

Maybe we should get him
to the emergency room.

I mean, he could
have a concussion.

Well...

It's just a little
bump on the head.
It's no big deal.

I should get going.

Hey, what's the hurry?

And why are
you so dressed up
and carrying roses?

I have a date.

Oh!

With a girl?

Yes, with a girl.

Really, dear, who is she?

Kellie Guthrie.

Is that the Kellie that
you've been drooling over?

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

Have we not had this
conversation before?

What are you
talking about?

Never mind.

Oh, can I borrow the car?

Well, of course you can.

[LAUGHING] Hey.

Right.

Well, bye.

I'm going.

Are you sure
you're all right, dear?

Yes, Mom, I'll be fine.

Hey, Virge, get lucky.

Right.

You guys aren't planning on

doing anything
when I leave,
are you?

Like...

[LAUGHING]
You know, never mind,
just forget I said anything.

Just, see you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[GASPS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Luft balloons, I got 99

♪ Senses workin' overtime

♪ I got one, two,
three, four, five

♪ Every song on the radio

♪ Is about you and me

♪ How I love my radio

♪ Every song on the radio

♪ Is about you and me

♪ Now I miss you

[SIGHS]

♪ I saw this woman
She had it going on

♪ I saw this moron
His head would seem gone

♪ If I play my cards right,
there's going to be no joker

♪ I'd get my side

♪ You've heard the story

♪ Don't you know
that unique got so bleak

♪ Is what I witnessed
He treating her bad

♪ And I don't want her
to be sad

♪ I'm here to protect
and serve

♪ The world is going down
There's a new sheriff in town

[FARTING]

♪ The world is going down
There's a new sheriff in town

Ah!

♪ The world is going down

[LAUGHS] I stuck...

[STUTTERING]

These, which are for you.

Oh!

They're lovely.

Thank you, Virgil.
That was very
thoughtful of you.

Come on in.

Just make yourself
at home.

I'll find something
to put these in.

How did you know
I liked roses?

How is your grandmother?

Oh, not so good.

My parents drove
to Santa Barbara
to be with her.

How did you know
about my grandmother?

Oh, um... Wild guess.

♪ Would you give me
just one look my way

♪ Make my day

Yes!

♪ The movies and the dinners
Yeah, they've been lots of fun

♪ But when I bring you
to your door

♪ I hope we're not done

♪ But I'm a little shy
and scared to make
the first move

♪ So, please invite me in
so we can get in the groove

♪ Let's do it, let's do it
Let's get it done

♪ Let's do it, let's do it
Come on over now

♪ Let's get the sex
out of the way

♪ Let's stop pretending
What do you say

Okay, you son of a b*tch.
I've taken all the sh*t
I'm gonna take from you.

Now it's payback time.

[SQUAWKING]

[LAUGHING]

Gotcha!Oh, damn bird!

♪ Let's get the sex
out of the way

♪ So we can concentrate
on love ♪

♪ My girl has a wicked style

♪ From her lips to her t*ts
and don't you forget that mind

♪ My friend
I'll say I'm through

♪ They all think I'm whipped
'Cause I'm down with you

♪ In this world
It's good to be alive

♪ When you miss
the one you love

♪ Then she drops by

♪ You've got the key
to my door

♪ You've got the key
to my door

♪ And when I hear
that lock turn

♪ You're mine

♪ Anytime of day
Anytime of night

♪ Come without a warning
I've got nothing to hide

♪ There used to be a day

♪ As with traffic that came by

♪ Ex-girlfriend,
drug, my friend

♪ You know what it's like

♪ In this world

♪ It's good to be alive

♪ When you miss
the one you love

♪ Then she drops by

♪ My girl, she's too

♪ You've got the key
to my door

♪ You've got the key
to my door

♪ And when I hear
that lock turn

♪ You're mine

♪ And when I hear
that lock turning ♪