In Search of a Midnight Kiss (2007)

[bunniefuu]

(# "Paradise with You"

by Hot Club of Downtown)

(man) The midnight kiss.

It's not just another kiss.

It's all the hope of romance of the year

culminating in just one moment.

And that overhyped kiss,

in which there is so much calling, texting,

IMing, planning, hurrying, drinking

to make happen,

is all set at a moment

when time itself takes center stage,

when you can feel the weight

of the year to come,

mixed with the loneliness and missed

opportunities of the years gone by.

For years,

I used to work at a video store,

and on New Year's, I would always deal

with what I thought were my people -

those broken-hearted souls that hated

the whole pageantry of the night,

the ones who wanted to quietly

and privately wallow in self-pity,

getting drunk on the fictional romance

and heartbreak of others.

That was me -

the lonely, hunkered-down type,

waiting for the night to blow over.

But some times are so low, you can

no longer follow that routine anymore.

(# "Paradise with You"

by Hot Club of Downtown continues)

(grunting)

- Oh, jeez, I'm sorry,

- God! I didn't know you guys were here,

- It's all right, Don't worry about it,

- I thought you guys were at Min's house,

Yeah, we got home early,

- Don't worry about it, It's OK, man,

- I'm really embarrassed,

Don't be, Everybody jerks off,

It's natural,

I had no idea you guys were even here,

We just got home at four, Don't even worry

about it, man, It's, uh, you know...

Hey, what the f*ck is this?

No, i-i-it's...

Oh, f*ck!

- It's that Min?

- No, it's nothing!

I'll explain that in a second,

Just don't go in there,

- It looks just like her,

- No, it's not Min,

- Well, what is this?

- I'll explain in a second,

Hey, Min, get in here,

I need to ask you a question,

- No, no! Come on! Jacob...

- What is that? Is that you?

(Wilson) God! No, Jacob!

Come on, man!

- Is that you?

- No,

What do you mean? That's definitely you!

That's not you?

- No, that...

- Are you sure that's not you?

(Min) No, it's not,

- (Jacob) Positive?

- (Min) It's not me!

Just give it to me straight,

If that's you... It doesn't matter,

(arguing)

(# "Paradise with You"

by Hot Club of Downtown continues)

I'm a worthless piece of sh*t

that should just die and not be buried,

I can't even get a job in this town,

- You just need to get laid,

- I'm trying!

Hitting on the girl at the grocery store when

you buy your tub of Chunky Monkey?

You don't see it, You're not around,

I put myself out there,

All you've done is sit around, eat ice cream

and f*cking smoke bong after bong,

You haven't even looked for work, man,

If you just wanna sit there and stare

out the window and smoke your cigarettes,

jack off to pictures of my girlfriend

on New Year's, be my guest,

Jacob, leave him alone,

I thought it was sweet,

Oh, God,

You thought it was sweet

that he jacked off to pictures of you?

- I thought it was really flattering,

- You are the cutest thing in the world,

Oh, my God!

- Ohh, God, What is this?

- (giggles)

- We can give him some more material,

- Stop kissing me,

I'm gonna go check my email,

- Dude, quit!

- OK,

(man) Well, it's just the whole world

that I find depressing right now,

Just the wars and the lies

and Columbine and George Bush...

(Jacob) Columbine was ten years ago!

(man) I'm just saying,

there's so much hatred and violence,

(Jacob) If you really wanna meet

somebody pretty and cool, you can do that,

All you gotta do, my friend,

is put an ad up on the Craigslist,

I don't know, The whole online dating thing

is a little too pathetic for me,

(Jacob) It's not pathetic,

Everybody does it,

I have a MySpace page, Facebook,

Min does, too,

- That's different than Craigslist,

- You don't have time to do MySpace,

Craigslist is the only way,

Just look at it as research into the world,

You haven't written anything since

you've been here, Here, check this out,

Look at all these Ionely people,

All these women are online,

Honestly, if you try to go to a bar right now,

nobody's even gonna talk to you,

You have to say, "Hey, yeah, I'll send you

a message" in order for them to trust you,

If you don't do that,

it's just gonna be weird and creepy,

Hey, Min, don't you think he should do it?

Yeah, absolutely,

He should do it before it's too late,

(Jacob) Just type it,

Just write the damn thing,

This is humiliating,

(man) "Misanthrope seeks misanthrope.

"If you respond to this, you're not

the kind of woman I'd go out with.

"I guess I'm lonely, it's New Year's and I'm

willing to embarrass myself with this ad.

"My girlfriends over the years

have been intelligent and beautiful.

"In the end, they've all broken my heart.

"My friend says I have to have a photo,

so here it is, Wilson,"

Oh, yeah, that's good,

Very clever,

Sounds really good, OK,

All we have to do now is put up a photo

and put your number in,

Put our home phone number, I don't want

my cell phone ringing off the hook,

I can't believe we're inviting

total insanity into our house,

You're not gonna find it

sitting around the apartment,

We're gonna get robbed,

I'm gonna get r*ped,

All right, look,

It's all up on the world wide web now,

Now it's time to see

if you're really hot or not,

Your phone will ring off the hook, You'll

have 14-year-olds and grandmas calling,

Better be excited about this one,

(woman) No way

I could have understood their pain.

And when I see that, you know,

I just wanna do something.

- Totally, (coughs)

- Are you smoking pot?

(coughs)

Yes,

While you're talking to your mother

on the phone?

Mom, you're just kind of talking

and talking,

- I just figured...

- That's terrible.

Oh, hey, Mom,

thank you so much,

I got the package,

It came yesterday,

- Are you sure this is what you want?

- Yes, Absolutely, I love her,

God, you two are so lucky

to have each other, I mean...

I just miss that sort of comfort

and connection,

Karen and I worked

at the same restaurant,

and we'd leave early

and go to the McDonald's drive-through,

and we'd just sit there, eating and just

sitting there, sharing that moment.

You know, just being there

with one another.

(no audio)

Yeah,

(Wilson) "Karen, I don't know

where to begin.

"It seems like yesterday

we were back in Texas.

"So much has happened over these three

months. Unfortunately, all bad for me.

"LA has been a disaster.

" A day after we broke up,

on my drive out here, I flipped my car.

"The tread on the tire separated,

and I lost control. The photo is attached.

"It was surreal.

There I was, standing in the middle of l- 10

"with everything I own flung across

the freeway, in the middle of Arizona.

"You were on the opposite side of the

world, all my friends were 16 hours east,

"and I was to move to a place

I had loathed my whole life - LA.

" And I arrived there without a car.

The script we all thought would sell

"has been delayed after my laptop

was stolen during a walk with my sister.

"Someone biked by

and took my computer

"I stupidly left it in my nephew 's stroller

a few feet away. "

(boy laughs) That's funny, right?

"Since then, I've been in a total daze

and bordering on suicide.

"I probably would have done it

if the bathtub here wasn't so filthy.

"I don't know what I'm doing here in LA.

"I miss you more than

I could possibly imagine.

"Just hearing your voice

would melt all my anxiety,

"as I would know that there's someone out

there that still cares whether I live or die.

"Karen, hope you're feeling well.

"Happy New Year.

Looks like my script's gonna sell.

"Finally I can pay off all my debts!

Now who knows what is next.

"I'd love to hear your voice sometime.

Warm thoughts... Wilson. "

(# "Mermaid" by Will Sheff)

(woman) What happened

with that woman?

- She died,

- Oh, gosh,

She absolutely died, You know why?

Because she was very old,

I didn't see her on Willard,

What is she, in her 80s?

(woman #2) But apart from that,

she was a b*tch, She was a b*tch,

Between the running of the water

and the showers, the bath,

I'm sorry, but it was just insane with her,

They must have buried a prune,

- That's kind of harsh,

- Well, hey, It's the New Year's,

- Out with the old, in with the new,

- Oh,

(woman #2) Happy New Year,

What are you doing for New Year's?

- Anything interesting?

- (phone ringing)

Oh, sh*t, It's on now, man,

(phone continues to ring)

(music over the phone)

Hello?

# Happy, happy birthday today

Who is it?

# Any day, baby boy

# Baby boy, baby boom-boom-boom

Hey, Mom, How's it going?

God, you sound like you're at a party,

- I am! Oh, hi!

- Hey,

How are you?

I love Florida! God!

I have so many friends,

I never had so many friends,

Glad you're having a good time,

Wilson, I have something very serious

to discuss with you,

(sighs) What?

Promise you can't joke or laugh about it,

This is gonna be hard enough as it is,

Mom, I'm not gonna judge you,

- You promise?

- I promise! Mom, what?

I'm getting a breast enhancement, (laughs)

- At a discount!

- What? Why?

Wilson, you said

you wouldn't be judgmental,

I'm not judging you, You're a nice woman,

settling into her old age,

- You don't need a boob job.

- # La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la

# I'm not listening

La-la, la-la

- # I'm doing it anyway, la-la, la-la #

- (phone beeps)

Hang on, I got another call,

Hello?

Hello?

Are you the misanthrope?

Um...

Uh...

Y-yes, Are you the misanthropee?

Um, I don't know, I had to look it up,

You know, it sounds pretty intense,

I guess I'll give you a shot, I'm not wasting

my New Year's on somebody I don't like,

Within five minutes, I'll know if I like you

or not, Where do you wanna meet?

Whoa, That seems like a lot of pressure,

I don't know if I can handle that,

Yeah? Well, life's full of pressure,

you know?

- So, is La Poubelle OK with you?

- Um, yeah, it's...

- Then I'll see you there at about 4 o'clock,

- Wait,

I don't even know what you look like,

You've seen a picture of me,

Well...

I'm 300 pounds, I'm into bondage

and I like Hello Kitty,

God, I'm kidding! What can you not

find out in five minutes of meeting me?

No offense, but I'm meeting

three other guys before you,

I'm gonna figure out

which one I like best, OK?

I mean, listen, I'm not gonna waste

my New Year's Eve on some total f*ck,

Are you gonna meet me there at 4 o'clock?

- OK,

- OK, great,

Wait, wait, What will you be wearing?

What? Is this some kind of

f*cking sex thing?

No, no, no!

I'm gonna be sitting there,

all nervous and looking at every girl

that comes in, and it's embarrassing,

Too bad, That's your f*cking life right now,

I can't help you, So I'll see you at four?

Will I see you at four?

- OK,

- OK. Bye.

(phone beeps)

- Hey, Mom, Sorry about that,

- Who was that?

It was, uh... just a friend,

- A girl?

- Yeah, actually, it was,

What's her name?

What does she do?

It's not at that point,

Just let it be, OK?

Honey, you're hedging on 30,

I think you'd be in a serious relationship,

Mom, Mom! Jeez, come on,

OK, Just drop it, please,

Oh, OK,

You sound good, honey,

You really do,

I mean, I thought maybe when Karen

dumped you, I'd be worried about you,

- But you sound good.

- Yeah, I've never been happier,

That's my go-get-'em kid,

You go get 'em, honey,

Happy New Year, baby.

- (Min) I think you look great,

- Really?

You're gonna need a belt, though,

Jacob, can you grab some belts?

Got the belts, La-la-la, Which one?

- This one,

- OK,

- I got it, Let me do this,

- You're looking good,

You look great, I like the whole Freddy

Krueger look, I love that sweater on you,

- I feel like a rodeo clown,

- You're not a rodeo clown,

Bui, get in here, Help me with this guy,

What do you think of his outfit?

Oh, man, Yeah, you look New York,

I don't like wearing clothes that I look

back in ten years and I feel humiliated,

That's not this outfit,

That's nice,

That's like a classic,

That's timeless,

- (Jacob) Clothes make the man,

- I feel good,

- I mean, the belt's not working,

- Do you have another belt?

I used to wear this belt, You just loop

through, come down, buckle my shoe,

- Right there, Yeah!

- (Jacob) Looks good, You're feeling it,

- So this is the outfit, then?

- Yeah,

- All right, good, You're dressed,

- I would totally f*ck you,

I would f*ck you, too,

Why don't we do an orgy?

She'd f*ck you, I'd f*ck you,

Would you f*ck him?

OK, yeah, Yeah, I mean...

See? You're looking good,

This is the heartbreaker outfit,

- You'll break hearts in this,

- I'm feeling Mr, Heartbreaker,

Now we're talking, There you go,

All right? High-five?

- High-five,

- High-five? Everybody, high-five,

I'm feeling confident, Looking good,

Sorry about that, man, I just don't feel

confident wearing those clothes,

It's all right, You gotta wear what you like,

That's how it works,

Thanks for letting me borrow your car,

I'll fill it up with gas,

It's not a problem,

Wanna borrow some money?

You can buy her flowers,

I don't need to borrow your money,

We bathed together when we were ten,

You can borrow anything,

Whoa, We weren't ten,

We were, like, two,

Hey, don't eat her out,

- What? What are you talking about?

- We're not in Texas anymore,

This is LA, Girls are dirty here,

Just don't eat her out, and wear a condom,

- I'm not even thinking about that right now,

- Look...

I don't wanna get some disease because

I used the same bar of soap as you,

- Just don't do it,

- Well, I don't have any condoms, so...

- I got you covered, I brought some for you,

- Whoa! Jeez, I don't need five,

Actually, I don't need any, I don't like

having 'em on me, It's too predetermined,

(Jacob) It's reality,

It's not predetermined,

(Wilson) Look, look, If it gets to that point,

I can just run out and get some,

(Jacob) Jesus Christ!

You're acting like you're in seventh grade!

We f*ck, we suck, We're animals,

We're apes,

We stick f*cking pieces of plastic in us

so we can come!

We f*cking stick each other's dicks

in each other's asses!

f*cking, you don't get upset when they

leave toilet paper next to the toilet seat

because they assume

you have to wipe your a*s, do you?

Well, do you or not, man?

sh*t, no, you don't, man,

Girls aren't gonna carry those things,

Girls don't do that,

They feel guilty,

They feel like sluts if they carry

these things around, So just take 'em,

I'll take two,

Take three, Sometimes you get tired,

and you're gonna need to slip one on,

That's an extra large, I don't know

your size, but it might come in handy,

- I haven't seen a condom in six years,

- Get used to it, man,

These ladies out there, they are insane,

They are trying to hook a man,

We are getting older,

They'll poke holes in condoms,

I'm serious,

Especially the Asian ones, man,

They will f*cking poke holes in condoms

so they get knocked up,

'cause then they get citizenship,

And yellow fever, wear the life jacket,

That's it,

Your nut sack is filled with green cards,

all right?

So just be safe

and, you know, bring your own,

I don't know if she's good-Iooking, She said

she was 300 pounds and into bondage,

All right, man, here, Just take all five,

This is f*cking hilarious,

You gotta promise me you're gonna

come to the party, It's important,

I'll try,

I don't know what's gonna happen in here,

I may be tied to the dominatrix's bedpost,

f*ck, There's something

very, very special that I'm gonna do,

and it would mean a lot to me

if you were gonna be there,

What? What are you talking about?

Don't say anything, but...

I'm gonna propose to Min,

- You're serious?

- Yeah,

I love her, and I just figure,

you know, why not get married?

- Do you have a ring?

- Yeah, Yeah,

My mom just sent it yesterday,

It just came yesterday,

Look at that,

That's the ring of doom,

My father gave that

to every one of his five wives,

and every one of them ended in divorce,

My mom's the only one that kept it,

That ring has so much f*cking hatred

and just anger

and aggression and f*cking frustration

and just divorce all tied into that,

But you know what? I don't care,

My love for Min is so strong

that I'm gonna beat the Mclntyre curse,

That right there is gonna become

the ring of love,

Man, I'm so happy for you,

I was gonna do it this morning, but your

little jack-off stunt kind of k*lled the mood,

You just made the whole thing

that much more memorable,

Great, Now you'll tell that story every time

somebody asks you how you proposed,

Yeah, but, man, that's why I love you,

I love you for that,

All right, man,

- Good luck, I'm really happy for you,

- Thank you,

- Good luck,

- And you,

- I'll see you tonight,

- Alrighty,

Hey, I'm just meeting someone here,

- Sure, Two?

- Two, yeah,

- Anywhere you'd like,

- Can I get a double espresso?

No problem,

Wilson,

Hey,

You're not bad,

You should've seen the last guy,

Said he was an acupuncturist, Wanted to

take me to his house and stick pins in me,

I f*cking hate men!

I think they're gonna end up being

so simple, and they're just f*cking apes,

Yeah,

So, uh, how old are you?

- What?

- How old are you?

Don't you think

that's a f*cking rude question?

No! I mean, obviously,

you're extremely attractive,

- Come here,

- What?

Come on, Come here, come here,

Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm 17,

But don't freak out,

I'm gonna be 18 in 11 months,

You probably wanna have sex,

but you can still come over,

My mom's room is way down the hall,

My dad goes hunting every weekend,

But to tell you the truth, Wilson,

I don't know if I can wait,

My p*ssy is so wet right now,

it's gonna be too hard,

- Oh, my God,

- What?

You're thinking about statutory r*pe now,

You're a mental statutory r*pist,

That's f*cking great, I'm 27,

Oh,

You really thought I was 17?

No, I mean, I'm glad that you're not,

- Why? So now you can f*ck me?

- What? No!

Just get a life, OK?

This isn't a get-laid-for-free night, OK?

Dammit, I think we should pray,

- Are you serious?

- You have a problem with that?

- Well, actually, I...

- Shh! Close your eyes,

Dear God, wherever you are,

please help us find whatever it is

we're looking for tonight,

And let Wilson know

that he's not gonna get in my pants,

I don't want him to be too heartbroken,

In God's name, amen,

- Amen,

- Wow,

That felt really good,

I haven't prayed in a long time,

- So, are you, like, really religious?

- Mm-mm,

I said that so you wouldn't wanna have

sex with me, Religious guys are so hyper,

Well, maybe God

is watching over us tonight,

So we can find what we're looking for?

What are you looking for?

The love of my life,

On Craigslist?

No, Forget it,

I can't even stand any more relationships,

I have one more interview after you,

and actually, I think the guy is here,

So, if you don't mind,

I'm gonna talk to him,

- Are you serious?

- Sit over there,

- Don't you think...

- Just go f*cking sit!

- Hi, You must be Stevie,

- Yes, I am, Thanks for meeting me,

Wow, You're really good-Iooking,

I have to say,

- Thank you, That's very flattering,

- Mm-hm,

So, tell me, what do you do?

What's your occupation?

I own a termite company,

I used to have a restaurant,

but the termite company's really good,

- It's the main thing I do,

- Wow, You seem like a nice guy,

Why are you posting ads on Craigslist?

Isn't that pathetic?

- It's not something I normally do,

- Come on, Stevie, Everybody says that,

I mean, uh...

I'm divorced, I'm Ionely,

You know, I...

It's hard to meet single women, It's...

You know, all my friends are married,

and I have two kids,

- Does that freak you out at all?

- Mm-mm,

- I'm just trying to meet somebody,

- Right, Kids, Two of them,

Yeah,

- Boy, girl? Boy, boy? Girl, girl?

- Oh, boy, girl,

Jack, he's five, and Melissa, she's three,

And they're just beautiful kids,

Well, um...

You seem like a really nice guy, Stevie,

but to tell you the truth,

I just don't think it's gonna work out,

I just drove down here from Irvine,

I mean, for 60 seconds?

It was an hour-and-a-half drive,

We could go out, We could have

a really good time, We could get along,

You know, it'll be fun,

I'm a really fun guy,

It's just not gonna work out tonight,

It was really, really nice meeting you,

Oh, my God,

- Oh, and have a happy New Year,

- Yeah, happy New Year,

Let's go,

Don't you think you were a little harsh?

No, When you have 11 siblings, you know

how to go out there and get what you want,

- That's what will give me my edge here,

- What do you mean, your edge?

Well, I'm an actress,

and out here, it's a dime a dozen,

and I just don't think people out here have

the raw ambition that I do, I don't know,

You're a real All About Eve, huh?

I don't know who Eve is,

but yeah, I guess so,

Well, where, uh...

where are we going?

- I don't know, I was following you,

- Well, I was following you,

I'm not getting in a car with you,

OK, We could take the subway,

Yeah, yeah, That sounds good,

Public place, there are people around,

You can't r*pe me, That's great,

You're a real trusting soul,

I'm giving you until sunset,

Then I'll figure out if I like you or not,

If not, I'm gonna go out

with somebody else,

- You're kidding,

- No, I don't have time to f*ck around,

So far, you seem like a really nice guy,

but I'm not gonna be standing there

at midnight,

next to a bunch of people kissing all over

each other, next to some f*cking dud!

- So, you ever been down to the MOCA?

- What's that?

- It's the Museum of Contemporary Art,

- No,

- Guess you've never heard of it,

- I hate museums,

- f*ck you, As if I'm gonna pick up,

- (# cell phone rings)

I mean, seriously, what is wrong with men?

What the f*ck is wrong with you guys?

Um... I don't know,

Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message,

and I'll call you back. Thanks.

(man) Viv... it's been five days,

and I'm just driving around, looking

for you. I don't know what else to do.

If you got all these messages

and you're ignoring me and you wanna

move on with your life, that's fine.

I understand. But...

(man sighs)

I cannot let that happen.

Call me, honey. I love you.

- You shouldn't smoke here,

- Why not?

For starters, it's not allowed,

And second of all, I hate litter,

- Aren't you a goody-two-shoes!

- No, I just don't like litter,

- You're a real wild man,

- Listen, I have my moments,

It's the quiet guys we have to look out for,

They tend to be the freakiest,

And you're not freaky? I almost walked out

when you said that sh*t to that guy,

Oh, my God, That is pathetic,

You're too soft,

He probably went home

and slit his wrists,

Fine by me,

Survival of the fittest,

If you can't take the heat,

get out of the kitchen,

Jeez!

It's that random act of unkindness from

some stranger that's the coup de grce,

and then all of a sudden, boom - you're

bleeding to death on the bathroom floor,

That's an excuse, If you're at that point,

you might as well do it -

you're gonna rot in hell anyway,

We're gonna miss the train,

You should think about therapy,

Your Catholic upbringing has given you

a sensitive edge,

(Vivian) That's right, Catholic schoolgirl,

I got my uniform in my purse,

You want me to take it out?

I know you're into

that whole pedophilia sh*t,

Have your read that book, City of Quartz?

No, Books suck,

Hey, we should go down to the Standard,

Yeah,

- What's that?

- It's this hotel downtown,

They have this cool bar on the roof, I read

about it, Lindsay Lohan eats lunch there,

Oh, So she's eating again,

- Yeah, but I don't know where it's at, so...

- Well, I'm sure we could find it,

- Really?

- Yeah, I mean, if you wanna go,

Yeah, That'd be cool,

I just never get to do stuff like that

because my boyfriend's such an as*h*le,

he never wants to go out,

Yeah, well, I love doing stuff like that,

(musical interlude)

(Vivian squeals)

(Vivian) Wow, The Los Angeles

Stock Exchange, (chuckles)

(Wilson) "Founded on integrity,"

Well, that's destined for failure,

Can you imagine if this happened

to the New York Stock Exchange?

Like, all the banks picked up and left

and someone closed down the Stock

Exchange and put a chain on the door?

These things happen, You look at our

country and you think it could never fail,

but you look at something like that

and it makes you wonder,

It's like everything good in life

eventually tragically fails,

- (Vivian) No, You're just cynical,

- I am not,

(Vivian) You are, What goes around,

comes around, You have no hope,

- (Wilson) It's not about hope,

- It is,

If King Tut was a CEO today, he would

have never pulled off the pyramids,

- King Tut? We're talking about King Tut?

- They would have called him...

Go ahead, I'm sorry,

They'd have called him negligent

for not wanting a normal mausoleum,

Those were built by hand back then,

(Vivian) There are still things

made by hand,

I mean, actually,

I make my own jewelry, See?

(Wilson) That's not bad,

(# "The Kind" by Shearwater)

It would be really, really cool to go inside

one of them, see what they look like,

- Inside one of the theaters?

- Yeah,

You want to?

- Really?

- Yeah,

Uh...

- Stay here,

- Where are you going?

You promised me, Six o'clock,

Hey, there, How are you?

Hey, I was wondering if we could come in

there and just take a look at the theater,

- What did you say to the security guard?

- I told her she could sleep with you,

- (Vivian, laughing) What?

- What? You're OK with that, right?

- No, not really,

- So maybe?

(Vivian) Oh, God, Well, at least we got in,

- (Wilson) At least we got in,

- (both) Oh, my God,

- (Vivian) This is so amazing,

- Wow, Look at the ceiling,

(Vivian) Oh, my God,

This is incredible!

Oh, my God!

And it's huge... huge...

huge... huge... huge,

(Vivian) Can you imagine

what this looked like when it opened?

(Wilson) I know,

(Vivian) Look at the ceiling,

Ohh, it's beautiful,

God, I can't believe this theater

is just sitting here,

(Wilson) Theater is dead in LA,

Do you know I've been onstage

every year of my life since I was 12?

- Really?

- That's why I came to LA, to be an actor,

My friends threw me

the most amazing going-away party,

I got so f*cking wasted,

I couldn't even pack the U-Haul, Yeah,

And so I get here, and I waste all my

f*cking time with my stupid hick boyfriend,

Yeah, well, welcome to LA,

Embrace the pain,

Wilson, look at this place,

Look at this theater,

this empty theater, just sitting here,

So many all over town,

I can't believe it,

And think about this:

all these out-of-work actors and writers

and all these amazing theaters,

just sitting here,

- Write something, We can do it right here,

- It's not that easy,

Write me a character,

something really good that I can do,

You know, something sexy and edgy and...

Something where I get to use a knife,

I've only really written comedy,

You write comedy?

You're the least funny person I've ever met,

- Well, I've had a rough year,

- OK, get over it,

You know, time is a-ticking away,

You are getting old,

Think of anything,

and we can do it right here,

- I don't know, l-l-I'm a prost*tute...

- I like it,

...who has A*DS and I'm dying of cancer,

- Nothing funnier than A*DS and cancer,

- OK, OK, OK, So...

I'm... a real-estate agent,

OK,

Who is showing the theater

to a young, decent-Iooking guy,

He's a little bit annoying,

but he has potential,

- Thank you,

- He decides to buy this theater,

and fix it up

and bring the theater back to LA,

And during all this, all this connection,

we fall in love, then we go broke, The end,

That sounds hilarious,

You're bitter now,

You can do it,

OK, Um...

Interior, Theater, Day,

Um, she's showing him the theater

for the first time, and they're alone,

And then what happens?

She's hungry

and wants to get something to eat,

- And he should be starved,

- She needs a cigarette,

My boyfriend - well, hold on,

I should say my ex-boyfriend -

God, he has the worst accent,

I mean, he's a total redneck,

Ahh, I can't believe

I was with him for three years,

Well, I think LA is where love comes to die,

I haven't met one couple that's moved

out here that's actually made it, Sorry,

No, it's...

It's New Year's, so let's drop the subject,

We're supposed to have fun,

Fun, A study was done that found

that people were significantly less happy

when asked if they were

having a good time,

It's like, the second someone asks,

"You having a good time?"

- you're having a bad time,

- (laughs) Totally,

It's like being asked to smile for the

camera, When somebody says, "Smile!"

- Yeah!

- You look so stupid,

Yes!

You ever seen a picture of yourself where

you're laughing and you say, "I'm happy"?

Oh, yeah, Yeah,

I mean, yeah,

Kind of like this,

Whoa!

- Kind of,

- Well, wait, Really look,

- (giggles) No?

- No,

- Am I happy?

- No,

There you go,

See? You can't fake it,

You're right, You got me,

Oh, my God,

- It's a boot,

- I know,

I've been taking pictures of lost shoes

for about three years now,

- Really?

- Yeah, yeah, I have a website,

TheLostShoeProject, com,

TheLostShoeProject, com,

Yeah, I've been noticing women's shoes,

high heels with the heel broken off,

or baby shoes and work boots and...

and there's always just one shoe,

I mean, that just fascinates me,

How can anybody just lose one shoe?

(Wilson) That's really cool,

Thanks,

I mean, it's... you know,

it's really interesting,

So, let's find food,

I've never even been here before,

- Do you miss Texas?

- No, no,

I f*cking love LA,

Have you been auditioning much?

No, but this year,

I'm gonna take it more seriously,

I need new headshots and to stop wasting

my time with my loser ex-boyfriend,

- What about you?

- Austin?

I think a lot of people move back home

because they miss it,

but they're just trying

to go backwards in time,

I totally agree, I'd be so depressed

if I had to go back right now,

- Tell me about it,

- (# cell phone rings)

(turns off ringer)

- Who was that?

- Oh, it was just Jack,

Jack's the...?

The ex,

- The hick,

- He sure is calling a lot,

Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message,

and I'll call you back. Thanks.

Vivian, this is Mom.

I was just calling to wish you

a happy New Year. Hope everything's OK.

Jack called and said that he had not seen

you or heard from you in a couple of days.

He said you were missing,

whatever that means.

I know that Jack can be a little... out there.

So I'm a little concerned.

So give me a call as soon as

you get this message. I love you.

So, uh, how long have

you guys been broken up?

Last week,

Ohh,

"Ohh"?

"Ohh" what?

- I'm not thinking anything,

- Wait,

You said "ohh"

as if you knew something I didn't,

OK, I was just thinking this is, um...

you know,

- I don't know, What?

- Come on, you know,

- I don't, What?

- Come on, don't make me say it,

Say it, What?

OK, this is, um...

revenge sex,

- Revenge sex?

- Yeah,

(laughing) Oh, my God!

You were jealous, you wanna

make him hurt, You can use me,

No, no, This is not revenge sex,

because we are not gonna have sex,

And I don't give a sh*t what he does,

He can go f*ck himself for all I care,

Ha! Yeah, right,

- What makes you so f*cking smug?

- 'Cause you're kidding yourself,

- I am not!

- Revenge sex is very much a part of it,

I'm leaving,

OK, before you go, then,

just answer me this one question,

Did you or did you not trim your pubic hair

before we met?

- I am not answering that,

- Did you?

- That's none of your business,

- You're afraid of the answer,

- No! Because it's none of your business,

- Did you or didn't you prep before we met?

I happen to trim regularly

because I like to keep well groomed,

You didn't have to trim this morning,

But you did,

because you thought me or someone

like me would see your vag*na tonight,

Actions speak louder than words,

- I hate to break the news to you...

- Break it to me,

...but you'll never know the answer,

because you will not be seeing my vag*na,

- Whoa!

- What?

- Easy, The night is still young,

- Oh, my God! Keep dreaming,

How's that cigarette nicotine

with that dairy?

- Get the f*ck outta here!

- (laughs)

This is so beautiful out here,

Don't you think it's kind of special that

we were sitting on this spot 364 days ago?

- We were?

- Yep,

Yeah, Remember we went to the party

where I got super hammered,

put on a diaper and started chasing

everybody around like a madman?

And I lost my shoe somehow?

So you took me to the store

and you bought me the sandals.

You saved my life.

And rather than going home, we went to

the beach and watched the sun come up.

(# "Sky Pilot" by Paleo)

That was this spot, 364 days ago,

Incredible, huh?

I'm really cold,

- Hey, I have a surprise for you,

- Yeah? Really?

- Yeah,

- Where?

- Follow me,

- OK,

(Jacob) You know...

I think you're so amazing,

And I know I'm stupid and I'm stubborn,

and I just fight and all that sh*t, but...

I'm never happier than when I'm with you,

I think you're great, too,

Thank you,

You know, I think I may be

going to London in March,

Neptune's got me some gigs there,

which would be perfect,

He says he's gonna pay for my trip,

and, um...

Yeah, I've always wanted to go to London,

so it'd be, like, a perfect thing,

Don't you think that's great?

(Vivian) Hey,

- Let's go skinny-dipping,

- OK,

- Pervert,

- Guilty,

- I like public nudity, It's kinda sexy,

- Oh, do you, now?

Yeah,

- Come on, let's play truth or dare,

- What are you, 12?

No! Truth or dare,

Listen, when you get to be a certain age,

you stop playing games like truth or dare,

- Wait, wait, stop, stop,

- What?

Look, You got a ladybug in your hair,

Wait, wait! It's good luck,

So, make a wish

and then, you know, blow,

Wait, wait, wait, Wait,

What is your wish?

Well, if I tell you,

then it's not gonna come true,

No, You have to say it out loud

so it will come true,

OK,

I wish that you wouldn't leave

at six o'clock,

(blows)

Hope I didn't k*ll it with that thrust,

Well, I guess we'll know at six o'clock,

Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message,

and I'll call you back. Thanks.

(Jack) It's only about an hour

till the new year,

and I can't make it to the next year

unless I hear from you.

I can't.

What am I supposed to do?

Pop champagne while you're

in the bottom of a ditch somewhere?

I don't wanna get a call from the police.

I wanna hear from you. OK?

I love you. Bye.

(# "Wedding Bells Are Breaking"

by Shearwater)

(Vivian) There's this guy

who did this art project,

He took postcards and he dropped 'em off

all in public places all over the city,

like on subways,

in bathrooms, on buses,

And he basically invited people to write

an anonymous confession on the postcard,

something they had never told anybody,

- and then drop it off in the mail,

- OK,

He asked them to kind of be creative

with the postcard,

use it almost like a canvas or something,

(Wilson) Mm-hm,

(Vivian) Well, within a year, the guy had

collected over 10,000 confessions,

and all were just completely amazing,

- What kind of confessions?

- All kinds, I mean, some totally hilarious,

Some really sad,

Like, there was this one that said:

"I wish my mom loved me for who I was

and not who I hadn't become,"

- God, that's horrible,

- I know,

And there was this really f*cked-up one,

This babysitter said

that she had come across

some of the owners' condoms

and poked holes in them to ensure

that she had work for years to come,

Isn't that crazy?

God, that's horrible,

I gotta get a copy of this book,

If I ever see you again, can I borrow it?

If I ever see you again,

Yeah, sure,

So these people

just wrote these things in themselves?

I mean, no catch or nothing?

Yeah,

I mean, I think just saying whatever

to somebody

and not have them totally freak out

or completely write you off

as a human being is...

it's comforting,

- (Wilson) You wanna go up there?

- Sure,

Look at those people kissing,

(Wilson) God, I love it down here,

Look - "Metropolitan Water District,"

- "Established in 1917,"

- (Vivian) Very good, very good,

(Wilson) Wells Fargo,

That's where I do all my banking,

So, why don't you tell me a confession

that you've never told anyone before?

Um, I don't know,

I don't think that's a good idea,

Come on, You said how much you liked

that art project, how healing it was,

and, you know, how it made everybody

feel good after they confessed,

Why don't you just, you know...

throw out a confession for me?

I don't know, I don't want you to judge me,

Not that I have anything to hide,

I won't judge you,

OK, if you do it, I'll do it,

OK, I'll do it on one condition,

OK,

You have to kiss me,

- What do I get out of it?

- A chance to kiss me,

- I think I'll pass,

- Then I'm not confessing anything,

OK, fine,

And it has to be a real kiss,

like an adult kiss, like with tongue,

Deal,

- Deal,

- Deal,

OK, This is really embarrassing,

Um...

I don't know if this is a good idea,

Come on, tell me,

All right,

This morning, I was in my apartment,

and I was really Ionely

and I was horny, and...

I don't know,

This isn't a good idea,

- What is it? Just tell me,

- All right,

I Photoshopped a picture of my friend's

girlfriend, and I was using it to masturbate,

- What?

- (laughs)

I know,

It's totally something I would never do,

I mean, it was totally humiliating, too,

'cause they walked in on me,

- I cannot believe you did that,

- Me neither, I feel gross,

- That is so sick,

- I know,

It's something I would never confess,

- You know what? You shouldn't have,

- Well, now you have to kiss me,

I'm not kissing you!

Hey, Hey!

- Where are you going?

- I wanna go home,

- Why? 'Cause I was masturbating?

- Yeah, well, I'm a little disturbed,

Well, grow up,

'cause everybody masturbates,

Not to their friend's girlfriend's photo!

Yeah, well, it has to be real,

or I can't get off,

Oh, my God, You are sick,

Yeah, well, you know, who isn't!

I bet your confession is ten times worse,

- You're wrong,

- What do you masturbate to?

- That is none of your business!

- But you do masturbate,

You know what? This date is over,

I told you, at sunset, It is so over!

Don't you think you're overreacting? I don't

understand what you're so mad about,

Listen, I was just being brutally honest

with you, OK?

I thought that's what you wanted,

Let me ask you something,

Do you have condoms on you right now?

- N-No!

- You are such a liar!

- You're a liar!

- Let me search you,

No way! You didn't hold up

your end of the bargain,

OK,

You're right, I'm sorry,

- Oh, my God, You are such a liar,

- Oh, dammit, Listen, I can explain!

You brought five condoms? What did you

think? We were gonna f*ck all night?

No, listen, These aren't mine,

My... Dammit!

My buddy Jacob told me to take 'em,

and he doesn't know anything,

You thought we were gonna have sex

on date number one,

No! I didn't, Can I just explain? Will you

just stop for two seconds and let me talk?

Stop!

I've never had a one-night stand in my life,

This is my first date in six years!

I brought these

so you didn't have to feel like a sl*t,

- What?!

- No! I mean...

Just listen, I brought 'em so that,

if the moment presented itself,

I wouldn't have to run out and get some,

You don't get offended that there's toilet

paper when you have to take a sh*t,

What the f*ck are you talking about?!

You're just overreacting!

Listen,

Would you please stop?

Come on, You'd think it'd be

more insensitive if I didn't bring 'em,

as if I don't care that you get a disease

or, you know, get pregnant,

f*ck you and all men like you,

(# "Lines" by Will Sheff)

I can't f*cking believe you, b*tch,

Vivian,

Please, will you...

Look, I'm sorry,

All right? Just don't go home,

Will you please just stop?

Listen, I spent the last three months

in my room, being depressed,

and it's New Year's Eve,

and I just... I don't wanna be left alone,

So just stick around with me till midnight,

You can go home at midnight,

you can do whatever you want,

Every year, on New Year's Eve, I'm gonna

think I just sent this girl home in tears,

I'm gonna wonder what happened to you,

Just... let me take you out to dinner,

I wanna do something nice for you,

- You don't have to do that,

- Honestly, let me take you out,

I have 100 dollars in my bank account,

I'm gonna pulse it out,

I'm gonna take you wherever you

wanna go, Any restaurant in this town,

I mean, as long as it's not more than

Come on,

It would make me feel like a man,

Well, there is this Italian restaurant

I've always wanted to go to,

- I love Italian,

- You do?

- I love it,

- OK,

You want to go there?

Come on,

This is perfect,

My roommate dropped off his car for me

on Hollywood and Cahuenga,

(# "The Queen of England"

by The Mendoza Line)

(Wilson) Look, I'm gonna show you,

Here,

(tapping buttons)

Please, please, please,

See, I'll show you, Look,

Just to show you that I'm not lying,

- You don't have to do this,

- Look, $8,

- You don't have to do this,

- No, I want to do this,

I just... wanted to show you,

You sure it's no more than $100, right?

Thank you,

(# "The Queen of England"

by The Mendoza Line continues)

Buonasera. Happy New Year,

- Benvenuti. Welcome to Oliva,

- Thank you,

- Hi, ciao, bella.

- Hi, Oh, thank you,

Table for two?

Wonderful, This way,

You know, my best friend's

proposing tonight,

I don't know if you're into it,

we could go down there,

- Where is it?

- Downtown in the warehouse district,

He's a DJ, so it's like a house-music thing,

Is he proposing to the girl

that you jacked off to this morning?

Yes, as a matter of fact, he is,

But it's OK, because she wasn't offended,

She actually said it was flattering,

- That it was flattering?

- Yeah, she did,

- That you were jacking off to her?

- Yes,

- She liked it?

- She did,

- OK, I have to meet this girl, then,

- Well, you will tonight,

Yeah, that sounds good,

Well, here,

Cheers to a better year,

To a better year,

Isn't this better than going home

and feeling Ionely and awful?

- Yes, it is,

- We can feel Ionely and awful together,

- What a terrible evening,

- Oh, it's the worst,

I'm with a beautiful girl, we just had

a nice dinner, a bottle of wine,

(# cell phone rings)

- Your phone keeps ringing off the hook,

- Sorry,

- I love this song,

- You do?

No, You should really think

about changing your ringtone,

- It's on my "to do" list,

- (# cell phone continues to ring)

All right, either turn that thing off

or answer it,

- No, I can't, I can't, I can't,

- Then why do you have a phone?

I can't answer it

because this is my stupid ex-boyfriend,

Then pick it up and tell him to stop calling,

He's not gonna stop,

- No, you don't even...

- I don't what?

Listen, I left my house five days ago,

I've been staying at a f*cking motel,

Everybody's worried, and if I answer it, I'll

have to explain myself, I don't want to now,

I don't want to listen to your phone ring

all night, You're staying in a motel?

I'm having an amazing time

with you right now,

If I pick this up,

he is going to f*ck it up so bad,

- He's not gonna f*ck up anything,

- He is,

You pour some wine down you,

and it all comes out, You're overreacting,

- Let's get more wine,

- We're not getting more wine,

It's New Year's Eve,

He's not gonna stop calling,

- I know,

- Just pick it up and end it,

I mean, do you want this hanging

over your head for another year?

OK,

- Hello?

- (Jack) Honey.

- Honey, you're all right. Are you OK?

- Yes,

Your mom's called the FBI, your daddy

wants you on the back of a milk carton,

- I've called a private investigator.

- Jack, give me a break, I am fine,

- I thought you were dead or kidnapped.

- Just don't even worry about it,

We're over, it's through,

You have to understand that, It's over,

We'll work this out right now. We made

a vow we'd go out to LA and be stars.

Oh, well, you should have thought of that

before you started f*cking that girl,

- We were just hanging out.

- Hanging out, Well, hmm,

Strange, that's not what David told me,

He's a compulsive liar! And he's been

trying to get in your pants since 9th grade!

Oh, god, shut up, Jack,

It doesn't even matter about David because

I saw you, I saw you with my own eyes,

Honey, calm down.

It doesn't even matter anymore,

It doesn't matter, You know why?

Because I am on a date tonight,

- I am on a date with this...

- No, no,

...wonderful, amazing, smart,

attractive, handsome man,

- He thinks I'm beautiful,

- Great, I'm gonna get shot,

- You're with a guy...

- Don't do this,

I like this guy so much that I think I'm

gonna go home and f*ck this guy tonight,

Oh, sh*t,

- And I'm gonna f*ck him over and over,

- That's gonna be awesome,

- OK, well, put him on. Put h*m* f*g on.

- He's standing right here,

- Put him on the line.

- I'll put him on the phone,

I want to talk to this son of a b*tch -

your imaginary f*cking friend!

- No, no, no,

- Hold on one second,

- He doesn't believe me,

- I'm not talking to your ex-boyfriend,

- Please, just say anything,

- What do you want me to say?

- Just take the phone,

- (Jack) Viv!

Put him on the f*cking phone. Hello?

Hello?

Who the f*ck are you, h*m* f*g?

Listen, man, I'm just a guy,

If you so much as touched her...

anywhere...

I'm gonna come over there

with a shotgun in hand,

and I'm gonna tie the two of youse up

in my f*cking house,

pour some gasoline on you,

cut your f*cking d*ck off,

then I'm gonna cook it while I burn

you m*therf*ckers with marshmallows

and eat a nice late-night dinner,

Then I'm gonna take your f*cking carcass

and punch you in the mouth

until you have a mouth full of teeth!

- Hey, listen, man...

- It's not about words now. It's "do"!

I will do to you things.

Not even Freddy Krueger would do this sh*t

to you, 'cause that is my woman!

She is mine! She is mine!

She is mine!

She is mine! She will always be mine!

And she will never leave!

- And if she does, I will f*cking k*ll you!

- Hey, hey...

- You're already dead,

- Calm down, man,

No, I'm not f*cking done, you son of

a b*tch! You are f*cking dead, man!

You're f*cking dead! You're a dead man!

You are a f*cking dead m*therf*cker!

- Good God!

- There is no sense in talking to me.

Your funeral has already occurred,

There is a b*llet in your skull

with my name on it in cursive writing,

that says "f*ck you,"

- You can say what you want,

- I don't need to threaten.

It's what I will do to you

and that f*cking wh*re that you're with,

Just listen,

You can say what you want,

Do you understand me?

But it's New Year's Eve...

and your girlfriend,

your beautiful, beautiful girlfriend,

is out with me,

So that's just something

that you're gonna have to deal with,

Hello?

Put Vivian on right now.

He wants to talk to you,

Hello,

Honey, I'm driving over to our place right

now and I'm gonna burn all of your sh*t,

- sh*t,

- What did he say?

He's going to my house to burn all my sh*t,

- Oh, sh*t!

- So, I think if we take Fountain,

we'll save a lot of time

because it's too crowded now,

I'm not going to your house,

- Help me save my sh*t,

- No f*cking way I'm going to your house!

- We'll get there before he even shows up,

- Look at me, No, no, no, No way,

I do not have time to argue with you,

He is gonna burn pictures

of my grandmother,

There's so much stuff I have to save,

Please, I am begging you,

I will drive,

That means I'm not getting out of the car,

I will drive, I'm the driver,

(Vivian) OK,

Oh, sh*t! Get the light,

Go in the living room

and look for his truck, He'll be...

- What color truck does he drive?

- Silver,

I'm gonna get some stuff out of

the bedroom, Help me grab some stuff!

- What am I supposed to grab?

- Get my weed!

- Where's your weed?

- It's in the heater!

- Where's the heater?

- Grab my lamp,

I got it at the garage sale,

I love that lamp!

Do you really need this?

Just grab memorable stuff!

And there's a little picture of me

as a little girl by the window,

- Oh, my God, you're so cute,

- Did you get it?

What else?

How about a picture of your cat?

Yes, yes!

Get my weed! It's in the heater!

I don't know where it is! I'm looking all

around the heater and there's no weed!

Oh, oh, oh!

- What?

- Get my bongo drum!

I have lessons on Tuesdays!

(tires squealing)

- (Wilson) Oh, sh*t!

- Oh!

All right, he's here, he's here!

Go, go, come on!

(Jack shouts in pain)

(Vivian panting, Wilson laughs)

- Get my bunny!

- Abort!

Oh, God,

I should have aborted the bunny,

Go! Go!

Happy New Year, Jack!

Wait!

You're going too fast!

- Come on,

- (Vivian laughs)

(# "My Good Deed" by Will Sheff)

(Wilson) So... this is I think

where he said it was,

(loud house music thumping indoors)

(cheers and whistles)

(Wilson) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What's up, Jacob?

Oh, you made it, you made it,

Thank you so much for coming,

- I wouldn't miss it for the world,

- Thank you,

Jacob, Vivian,

Vivian, Jacob,

- Hey, how are you?

- Nice to meet you, Happy New Year,

Thanks, I forgot it was New Year's Eve,

We've had such a crazy night,

- Oh, really? Yeah?

- Crazy,

- She f*cking hit me,

- No way!

- Yeah, I'll tell you about it...

- She hit you?

I'll tell you about it later,

- Oh, man, you needed to be hit,

- I know, I know, I know,

- Hey, did you guys get drinks yet?

- No,

- Do you want a beer?

- Yeah, that sounds good,

- Oh, thanks,

- Oh, thanks,

Cheers to the best year of our life,

- Cheers,

- Could not be any worse,

Oh, yeah, Hear! Hear!

Hear! Hear!

So, have you done it yet?

- No, I haven't,

- You nervous?

I have butterflies, but, you know,

it kind of feels... it feels good,

I want to do this now,

Let's do this, let's go, I'm ready,

Don't do it yet,

I gotta go to the bathroom, 20 minutes,

It's, like, 30 minutes till midnight,

so we got a little bit of time, OK?

(music thumping)

- Hi, How are you?

- Hey, how's it going? Good to see you,

- You too,

- How you been?

- I've been good,

- Good,

- You look cute,

- Thanks, I dressed myself tonight,

I'm having so much fun

with that girl tonight,

- Really?

- Yeah,

Hey, so Jacob's about to go on,

so I'll see you in there in a minute,

Hey, um...

Real quick, l-l-I...

I have a present for you,

- What is it?

- Come here, I'll tell you,

What?

I'm sorry, l-I...

I thought you were attracted to me,

(Jacob) Can you turn the music down?

Hello, everybody,

Hey, everybody, uh...

(cheers and whistles)

Can you turn the light on, please, for me?

That would be great,

Thank you, Um...

I just want to say...

I want to be the first one to say

"Happy New Year" to all you great people,

(cheers and applause)

Yeah, um...

- Tell me what happened,

- I'll tell you about it in the car,

I wouldn't normally turn off the music

like this,

but there's something important

that I need to do,

(crowd taunting playfully)

Min, Where are you, Min?

Can you come here, please?

(women chanting) Min, Min, Min, Min!

Hi,

This has... this has been the love

of my life for the last two years,

(man) Congratulations,

Um, I've been, uh...

I've been trying to find the right time

to do this all day,

but the moment just never seemed

to come up, so...

- (man) Don't be nervous,

- (laughter)

(crowd shouts and whoops)

(crowd quiets down)

I've loved you more than I've loved

anybody I've ever met in my entire life,

Honestly, the connection

that I have with you, it's amazing,

I've never felt... anything like this before,

OK, before I ask you this question...

I don't want you to answer

until after midnight,

'cause I want to give you, like,

a symbolic year to think it over,

I want you to be my wife till the day I die,

Will you marry me?

- Don't answer,

- (music resumes)

- Don't say yet,

- (crowd cheers and whistles)

No, no, we should wait,

(# "Barbed Wire Blues"

by Johnny Lee Schell)

(Wilson) Why did she have to

put me into that predicament?

- Because she lives at our house,

- Don't even worry about it,

Who cares!

I mean, love is strange,

It's OK,

This is the one couple

that had their sh*t together,

- Nobody has their sh*t together,

- They had their sh*t together,

We are all just hanging on

by a thread, trust me,

You might as well enjoy what you have

until that thread breaks, That's what I say,

(DJ) One minute and 45 seconds to go,

Los Angeles.

How are you gonna spend

the remaining seconds of the year?

Listening to a radio show?

We've got another song,

but we won't get to the end of it

because we're just about out of time.

If you're not where you want to be,

I'd suggest running.

It's t-minus 1-39, 1-38...

Oh, this is great, That's it,

- I guess we're parked,

- People are getting out of their cars,

This is so typical, New Year's Eve

in Los Angeles, and I'm stuck in traffic,

(# song on radio)

I guess it's not too bad,

Sometimes you just got to

give in to the shitstorm,

There is no way of avoiding it,

you know?

You just gotta get that umbrella

and get out there and party,

- That's very well said,

- Thank you,

So come on, it's New Year's Eve,

You got time for some resolutions,

What do you got?

- To be honest, I haven't thought about it,

- What? Well, you better hurry up,

Come on, close your eyes,

Come on,

(DJ) The final grains of sand are slipping

away more quickly as just a few remain.

We are fast approaching

the one-minute mark, starting right...

60 seconds.

(# "A Voice Remembered"

by Kazamir Boyle)

(DJ) Whatever you've wanted to do this

year, you have 25 seconds left to do it,

or come to terms with the fact

that you're not gonna get it done.

We're down to the final 15 seconds. Get

ready for the countdown. Here it comes.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six,

five, four, three,

two, one!

(overlapping shouts and cheers)

Happy New Year, Los Angeles!

I love you! I love you to death.

I love you for struggling and for fighting

against all the traffic,

all the obstacles we have before us

just to get together in this city.

Good luck finding love. Those that come

here putting their careers ahead of love,

I hope you find

what you're looking for tonight,

because this waking moment,

on this planet,

is our one chance to make it happen.

(# "Auld Lang Syne" on piano)

(horns honking)

(people cheering, blowing noisemakers)

I would love...

to marry...

you!

So, take a seat on the couch,

and I'm going to...

get some wine and turn on some music,

That sounds great,

I like your place,

Thanks,

If you ever need a place to crash

for a few days, you're more than welcome,

Actually I think I'm gonna stay

with my sister, She's out in the valley,

- So your sister lives out here?

- Yep, She said I could crash there,

(answering machine)

You have five new messages.

Wow, Mr, Popular,

(man) Hi, don't get upset if you're straight.

You didn't mention whether you were g*y.

You posted under the holiday dates,

so it said "gender neutral."

Oh, sh*t, Wait one...

- Wait, wait, wait, I want to hear this,

- What?

- Let me hear this,

- All right,

I think you're hot from your photo. Bye.

(woman) I'm calling for the misanthrope.

- My number's 310-555-8934.

- OK, this is really embarrassing,

I divorced recently

and now I'm back out there.

I think I'm pretty attractive.

You know, I have a good body. (laughs)

So with that, I don't know what to say.

Um, well, I hope I'll hear from you.

(machine beeps)

(woman) Hi. I'm 36-24-36, blonde.

- I want to show you a good time.

- Maybe I jumped the g*n,

- And my pager is 323...

- Your pager? Who has a pager anymore?

- Hookers, She was a hooker,

Oh,

- Oh, happy New Year, sweetie.

- That's my mom,

You didn't pick up your cell. I can't wait

to hear about this new girl you're seeing.

- Oh, sh*t,

- It's about time.

I want to hear all about her.

- What girl?

- I love you. Happy New Year.

I was on the other line with her when you

called, so I didn't know what to tell her,

(woman) Um, it's me.

Happy New Year.

I hope when you get this you're having

a really good time in LA.

Sounds like everything's

really working out for you.

I knew it would. You're so smart and

you're so driven and talented, and, um...

I don't know. I miss hearing you

tell me your stories and...

Someday everybody will see what you've

been working on. I'm really proud of you.

I just have complete faith

that this is just what you're meant to do.

Um... I don't know.

Things are going OK over here.

I'm just spending a lot of time

doing lesson planning and...

I don't know. I miss you.

And I was really, really glad

when I got your email.

And, uh, give me a call,

and, I don't know, we can talk.

All right.

Bye.

- (answering machine) End of messages.

- (beeps)

What's wrong?

Nothing,

Will you just hold me for a second?

Yeah,

You want me to tell you that confession

I never told you earlier today?

If you want to,

It's something I haven't told

anybody in the world yet,

What is it?

I'm pregnant,

He doesn't know, does he?

I was gonna tell him, and then I found out

he was cheating on me,

I just left and went

and checked myself into a hotel,

And I've been there ever since,

Are you gonna keep it?

I don't know,

I mean, if I do... (sighs)

...it's, like, no more nights like this,

No more... no more acting,

I guess I'll just move back to Texas

and maybe live with my mom, wait tables,

(birds chirping)

(woman moaning in pleasure)

(woman squeals)

(man and woman moan)

(woman) Oh, my God!

(squeals)

Are they serious?

(woman) Oh... my...

Mm-hm,

(woman) Oh!

- Do you hear that?

- Yeah, I love my neighbors,

(man and woman moan)

- That's loud,

- I know,

That's really loud,

Yeah, he's a stallion,

(woman shrieking)

They do that all the time?

Yeah, they just go at it and go at it

and go at it and go at it for hours,

- Oh, my God,

- The thing is a show, It's like a show,

(woman gasps)

- You just can't see anything,

- Do you hear this all the time?

Yeah, I love it,

(man) Ohh...

(woman) Oh, my God, oh, my God,

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck me,

(bodies slapping)

(Vivian laughs)

(woman) Oh, yeah!

- What does she look like?

- (clears throat)

She's really thin,

- You want some gum?

- What does that have to...

Yes, I'd love some gum,

Thank you,

You mean, she's not...

fat?

She's really thin?

- Is she hot?

- She's all right,

What does he look like?

(man and woman continue

to moan and pant)

- (whispering) Are you OK?

- Yeah,

Are you sure?

(whispering) Don't stop, Please don't stop,

(whispering) Don't stop,

Please don't stop,

(both panting)

(water running)

Good morning,

- So, um... I think we got all your stuff,

- (chuckles)

Thanks,

I guess I'll just pull around the car,

Oh, actually I called a cab,

Hey, uh, listen,

I'd really like to see you again,

Will you think of me next year at midnight?

Yeah,

I'll think of you every year

for the rest of my life,

That'd be nice,

I wish you luck,

You too,

(both) Bye,

(taxicab door opens)

(engine starts)

Hey,

I didn't know you were up,

Yeah, I am,

Did you have fun last night?

Yeah, I did,

- You?

- Mm-hm,

I... (clears throat)

I saw the girl that you were with,

She was very pretty,

Yeah, she is,

So... you're getting married,

Yeah, we're engaged,

Do you want to see the ring?

Mm-hm,

Mr, List,

- Mr, Craigslist,

- Hey,

- How are you, buddy?

- Good, So, um... congratulations,

- Thank you,

- You want orange juice?

Put something on before jack boy has

another jack attack! Jesus Christ, Min,

So, did you guys have a good time

last night? How was it?

We did, But did you have a good time?

That's what's more important,

Did you do it? Did you guys do it?

Did you do it?

Did you use the condoms?

You know, I'd rather not say right now,

No! Tell us now! Give us a little details,

a little gooey, gory details,

You know, I was, uh...

We had fun, We had a good time,

(exhales)

I like this, He's all, like, suave now,

holding back information,

He's got his mojo back, Look at him,

Wilson, the lady-k*ller,

# Follow the Moskva

# Down to Dorky Park

# Listening to the winds

# Of change

# Future's in the air

# Blowing everywhere

(Jacob and Min) # Blowing in the winds

(all) # Of change

# Take me

# To the legends of tomorrow

# On a Ionely night

# The mulatto lovers...

(all sing different lyrics)

# In the winds of change #

- (Wilson) Who wants breakfast?

- (Jacob) # I want breakfast

- (Min) I want French toast,

- # She wants French toast...

- (Wilson) OK, so, Vegas, huh?

- (Jacob) Vegas it is, in a month,

- (Min) I want to stay at the best hotel,

- (Jacob) The best h*... The Best Western,

- You got it,

- (Min laughs)

(Jacob) Come on, just tell me something,

# Did you do it? Did you do it? #

(# "Wind of Change" by Klaus Meine)

(Jacob) This year's gonna be awesome!

This is the best New Year's!

Can't believe you said yes.

(# "Wind of Change"

by Klaus Meine continues)