A Date with Miss Fortune (2015)

[bunniefuu]

Where the hell did things go wrong?

How did things change so quickly?

I had so many questions.

Some might blame karma,

kismet, fate or destiny,

but those are just good

stripper names to me.

Well, except maybe kismet.

I believe it's the choices we

make that determine our future

nothing else.

I wanna ticket to somewhere

where I can find the face to

leave the memories of Holland

I wanna ticket to somewhere,

anywhere but here

Have you ever felt

like there's no where

Jack.

Wilson!

Peacock's lost man.

You are gonna bang it in London town.

You smack that royal baby for me alright?

Thank, man.

In the mean time, I don't

know how I'm going

to survive without you.

You know I got these

abandonment issues right?

You'll survive, Wilson.

Really cause I, can I ask you?

Does this look infected to you?

Ahhh!

Please see a doctor Wilson,

I got a lot of sh*t to do.

Put me on a fast jet cause

I don't like it on my own

A ticket to love, a ticket to love

Would bring me home

Would bring me h*-o-o-ome

I wanna ticket to happy and

I heard they were free

But I just have to chase her down

I wanna ticket to happy

To wipe away this upside down smile

And I remember the ocean and

how it never seemed so close

But when I was with you, I

wanna ticket to somewhere

And I think I know where now

You want, uhh, fries with that?

Okay, two fries and two onion rings, okay.

So, that would be four cheeseburgers.

Do you want some?

Thank you, dear.

I need you to pretend that you're with me.

See that woman over there?

Don't look!

She's my ex, and I can't be seen alone.

Yeah no, if you don't mind.

Thanks, I owe you.

Let me buy you a slice of apple pie.

This place has the best

apple pie on the west side.

All right, nice try.

I'm sure this works for you all the time.

But I'm really not interested, alright?

I just want Tobe left alone.

Jack?

Meagan.

How have you been?

Ah, great.

Things are goin' great.

Aw, you don't have to lie to me, Jacky.

I heard you were going

through a rough time.

Just be positive.

Jack, this is Arnold, my husband.

Hey.

Wow, uhh...

Congratulations.

If at first you don't succeed,

you get a bigger ring.

Arnold is an entertainment lawyer.

He does very well for himself.

Well. aren't you going to introduce

me to your little friend?

Actually...

I'm Maria, Jack's fianc.

Wow, if at first you don't succeed.

I guess things are going

better for you, Jack.

Yeah.

I'm Meagan, Jack's ex wife.

You never told me you were ever married.

We've been going together for three months

and he's never mentioned you.

You are lucky you are so incredibly sexy.

Ow!

Well, we should get going.

It was nice meeting you.

Bye Jack.

Bye Meagan.

Come on.

Great seeing you again!

Could you stare any harder?

Seriously.

Thank you for that.

Ahh, she deserved it.

Yeah.

Yeah, she kinda did.

Uhh, now can I buy you that apple pie?

Uh, I should get going.

You can call your fianc.

I'll buy him a slice too.

Come on huh, it's the least I could do.

I-I'm leaving the country in what...

Less than six hours.

This is my only chance to repay you.

Look.

One way.

Why, one way?

You're kind of nosey, huh?

Okay.

A fresh start.

How long has it been?

Two years.

And two years married, two years divorced.

She uhh, she left when the goin' got tough.

But she's not the reason I'm leaving.

After looking for work for a while

I finally landed a two

year contract, in London.

I'm a writer.

Oh, yeah?

Are you a novelist?

No.

A journalist?

Nope.

You write for the movies, don't you?

Uh uh.

I write sitcoms.

Oh.

Jesus, you look more

disappointed than my father.

Oh no.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to.

Do you remember the show "My Two Dicks"?

A family comedy about a mother

and her two detective sons,

Lasted twelve episodes four years ago.

I'm afraid I'm not familiar.

Ah, don't sweat it.

Neither was anybody else.

"My Two Dicks" sucked.

That's not what you said

when you picked me up

at the diner that night!

I picked you up?!

I'm pretty sure it was

the other way around.

I was the damsel in distress.

Mmm, maybe.

I had a really good time tonight, Jack.

Good, I'm glad somebody did.

The whole evening was pretty

touch and go for me so.

Are you ever serious?

I tried it once, but it just didn't take.

So uhh, it was worth it?

Yeah, maybe.

Good night, Jack.

Uhh, wait.

Do you need me to come up

and you know, fix anything?

Nothing's broken.

I could help you watch tv?

I've got twenty-twenty vision, right here.

Be a shame to waste it.

Goodnight, Jack.

You've got Tobe kidding me?

I kid you not.

Six-years-old and he

says to me, Miss Moniz,

this is the worst day of

education in my life!

And he storms out of my classroom.

I'm glad you stayed for pie.

Me too.

Umm.

Can I uhh...

Can I ask you something?

You can try.

Well, when I first walked in

here, umm, you were crying.

I wasn't crying.

I have a little confession to make.

I'm not really engaged anymore.

I just broke up with my fianc

and I just, I haven't given

him back the ring yet.

I know, I know, I'm a horrible person.

You're not a horrible person, okay.

You're my hero.

I guess I was just kind a

holding on to the past.

If that makes any sense to you?

It's perfect sense.

It's like the moment you

break-up with someone,

this movie of all the good

times plays over and over

in your head, and the bad times,

they just fade away until

you can't remember

what the problem was.

That's why I started

recording negative moments

of all my relationships

so I wouldn't forget.

You do not!

You do.

I don't, no I don't.

Ah, okay.

Oh, come on gimmie a smile, Megs.

Here's a clip of Meagan

rolling her eyes at me.

That's like her signature move.

As if I just said the

world's stupidest thing.

See.

And ah, here's a clip

of April taking an hour

to put on her make up, that's

me sitting on the couch,

look how pissed I look.

And um, oh.

This is one of Alexis,

now Alexis was a vegan,

which in itself didn't bother me.

However vegetables always made her a little

Oh.

I know it sounds nuts, but I

bet you wish you had some,

you know, video of your ex

pickin' his nose or something.

No.

More like clearing his throat.

Ah ha!

You mean like uhh, like uhh,

Ahem?

No, more like.

No, no with more throat, like.

Oh my god, that's annoying.

Isn't it?!

You are something else, Jack...

Ratner.

Jack Ratner.

Maria Moniz.

That is the real reason

I don't believe in long-term relationships.

No more firsts.

Like they get used up.

I mean that was the first time

we've ever touched hands.

It'll never happen again

that you know, that feeling.

Once all the firsts are gone,

hey what are you left with?

I don't know what you just said.

But I loved the way you said it.

Mmmmm.

What?

You have to stop.

Even being rejected in Portuguese is hot.

Jack, I have to go.

Unlike you I have to be at

work early in the morning.

Jack.

Jack, off.

Not until you're gone.

It might be awkward with you in the room.

You're so crude.

Mmmm,

Stay over tonight.

Please.

Why?

"A" I live closer to your school.

"B" I make k*ller waffles in the morning.

And "C" I'll pay you a thousand dollars.

"D" all of the above?

Mmmmmmm.

That was the best apple pie I've ever had.

Really?

Cause I wouldn't know.

You kind of ate it all.

I did not!

I even left you the last piece.

This here?

Anyway, everything was planned.

Children, moving to the suburbs.

My dad was devastated when

he found out we broke up.

But the worst part was

that we lived together.

I'll never make that mistake again.

I like my own place to much.

What, you don't want a family?

Children?

Marriage is not for me.

I can't picture myself behind

the white picket fence

playing catch with Jack junior.

So you have no problems

growing old and dying alone?

Having the neighbors notify the police

about the awful stench

of your rotting corpse.

Jesus Christ, when you put it that way.

You shouldn't say that.

Say, what?

Use God's name like that.

Oh, you're one of those.

I noticed the cross.

Just thought it might be for decoration.

What do you mean, "one of those"?

You don't believe in God??

Umm, not so much.

Though, after skimming the bible,

I've gotta give Joe and Mary props

for selling the whole

immaculate conception thing.

It's brilliant.

Nowadays, compromising Facebook

photos would have sunk her.

That isn't funny.

So if you don't believe in

God then who do you pray to?

Tom Brady.

But only if it's late

in the fourth quarter.

I don't believe you.

Trust me, when something

life changing happens,

you'll be praying.

Okay, no way, not me.

I may be a lot of things,

but I'm not a hypocrite.

Hey.

Morning.

Do you want some fruit for breakfast?

Do you have any idea how

much sugar's in that stuff?

You were snoring again last night.

I don't snore.

It's like sleeping with Darth Vader.

I'll make a video clip

and add it to your file.

Hey.

Hey, you okay?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

It's stupid.

Well lucky for you I

specialize in stupidity

and have a Ph.D. in nothing.

So technically, I'm overqualified

for this conversation.

Well uhh,

You know when you feel like

you've reached a point

where you're finally living out your life

and not other peoples expectations?

Well...

Now that I'm not splitting

the rent anymore,

I can't afford my place so...

I'm gonna have to move

back in with my parents.

Well umm, you know uhh,

Maybe you could move in here you know,

for a little while until

you find another place.

Jack, you'd be okay with that?

Yeah, sure.

I'm mean you're practically

living here anyway.

What's a week?

Oh baby!

Thank you!

Oh baby I promise you won't

even know that I'm here.

Oh god.

Thank you.

Oh, that's great.

Oh my god.

You like?

I feel like I just got

violated by Pottery Barn.

Oh, you hate it?

No, no.

It's just different that's all.

Kinda looks like your place did.

Yeah, I just brought a few

of my furniture pieces in.

I hope you don't mind?

Wow.

That's uhh, that's a big cross.

It'll protect us from the evil eye.

Ohh.

I didn't know Mr. Bojangles

would be joining us.

Awe, where did you think

he'd be staying, silly?

Eh, eh, good boy, good boy.

Eh.

Ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ouuu

Ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ouuu

You got-got me, you got-got me stuck

Cause you got-got that,

you got-got that touch

You got me stuck like glue

Like gum to the bottom of my shoe

I can't stop thinkin' bout you-ouu

Awwww! sh*t!

I think you broke it!

I'm so sorry.

That kiss girl, how can I forge-ee-et?

Underneath the stars,

we'll never be apart

No matter where you are, you got me

You got-got me, you

got-got me stuck

Cause you got-got that, you

got-got that touch

Rain or shine, I don't care

I'm not going anywhere

Cause you got-got me, you

got-got me stuck on you babe

Ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ouuu

Maria?

Jesus Christ!

Shhh.

Rain or shine, I don't care,

I'm not going anywhere

I am a rational person.

Rational, huh?

Is that why I saw you throwing

salt over your shoulder?

Don't tell me you're one of

those superstitious freaks?

It's not a superstition if it works.

Ah-ha.

The truth finally comes out.

You're crazy.

Don't call me crazy.

Seora Maria says it's

better safe than sorry.

Who's Seora Maria?

Just someone who advises me.

Like a... Like a therapist?

Yeah, like a therapist.

Hey, babe, how was your...

Quick, get me a lighter!!

What is it?

I think some woman at the grocery store

gave me the evil eye.

Huh?

Here we go.

What is that?

Sage.

Oh no.

I might have already

infected the entire place.

Wait, what the hell's evil eye?

It's when someone curses you

and gives you really bad luck.

Sometimes people do it

and they don't even

realize they're doing it.

Come on Maria, don't tell me

you really believe in that?

Apparently so.

That should work.

Don't worry, I'll see Seora Maria

and make sure that we're in the clear.

Maria, this is insane.

Nobody can just give you bad luck.

That's just a Portuguese old wives tale.

The evil eye does not exist!

Do you have any idea how

foolish you sound right now?

Jack, this is your father.

He's actually on oxygen, it's kinda sad.

Oww.

No he's not.

Your sitcom writing is

weak and career dubious.

Come work for me at Ratner Investments

and together we shall...

make something of you.

That's your dad's idea

of success, not yours.

Mhmmm.

You are wise Portuguese one.

So what about the rest of your family?

Brothers?

Sisters?

None.

Cousins?

Grandparents?

Aunts?

Uncles?

One Uncle, but I'm pretty

sure he's in prison.

Oh, Jack that's...

Wonderful.

Having as mall family.

Mine can be overwhelming.

I'd much rather have a big colorful family

than a bland one any day.

Okay.

Relax.

Ok.

Oh, no, we don't use the front door!

We use the back door.

Okay.

Now, don't be nervous, Jack.

I'm not.

I just want you to know,

how important first impressions are.

Hey, don't worry, parents love me.

I'm like cat nip for old people.

Oh and please don't try and be funny.

And don't tell my parents

that you're divorced,

or that you're an atheist or

that you're in between jobs.

Okay?

Anything else?

Oh, and your grandfather on your

mom's side was part Portuguese.

Ok?

Hey!

There's my beautiful daughter.

Querida, two Sundays I don't see you.

Where have you been

hiding, my little badger?

Mom, Dad, this is Jack my boyfriend.

He's pleased to meet you.

Lets go.

This looks delicious.

What is it?

Cozido.

Pigs feet.

Thanks.

I can't believe you ate that, dude.

There's pizza.

Thank you.

Have some rice pudding.

I will.

Ow!

Where's Mr. Moniz?

Ah, he's probably in the house.

Go talk to him, Jack.

He gets nervous with new people.

I can tell by the way she looks at you,

you have won my daughter over.

Thanks, mom.

I bet you don't get too many

vampires down here, huh?

Because of the uhh...

So, I hear your a big football fan?

So am I.

Who's your team?

Stay away from Maria.

Can't say I'm familiar with them.

Although I imagine their

logo is just a picture

of you looking angry.

Kind of like that.

You make jokes.

Jokes aren't funny!

Jokes won't make my daughter happy!

With all do respect, sir, I

do make your daughter happy.

I mean, I think I do.

And I know I want to, more than anything.

Have you ever heard the expression,

"laughter is the best medicine"?

Have you heard the Portuguese expression,

"medicine is the best medicine"?

You know who said that?

Maria's ex fianc.

He's a doctor!

Uhh, my uncle says, you're a lucky man.

Thank you, Uncle Joao.

Two.

You did that on purpose,

didn't you you little devil?

I gotta go.

Goodnight everyone, thank you.

Bye!

Love you!

Love you too.

They hate me.

They don't hate you.

They just need to get to know you.

Well I'm not sure how

crazy I am about them.

They're judgmental, intimidating.

Your father threatened me, and your sister!

Mmm, I have never seen

dexterity in toes like that!

Ever!

Your grandmother caught me on the lips.

It was like kissing a catfish!!!

And the Ricky Martin painting?!

The what?

In your dads little man cave?

Oh, no, that's not Ricky Martin,

that's Cristiano Ronaldo,

a famous Portuguese soccer player.

Listen Jack, I know they can be a handful.

But I'm just really glad you tried.

It meant a lot to me.

Wow.

I've never seen you get

worked up like this.

What happened to cool cat nip Jack?

He just got a taste of his future in-laws.

What?

I was planning on doing this differently.

Maria, you've made me

realize all the things

I never knew I wanted.

And now that I know, there's

only one thing left to do.

Will you marry...

Oh yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

We just have to see Seora Maria first.

Your therapist?

I believe in therapy.

I think people can learn a lot

about themselves, you know.

I guess, it's just not for me.

You know travelling is my therapy.

I learned a lot about myself

while backpacking through Europe.

But it was my time in India

was the most profound.

I remember riding an elephant

to see the Taj Mahal at sunset.

It was the most incredible thing.

Emperor Shah Jahan built it in

memory of his deceased wife.

They say it's the world's most magnificent

monument dedicated to love and devotion.

What does it look like?

Oh, words can't even describe it.

It's just, so incredible.

Mmm, I am so jealous.

Here you are, this world traveller

and I've hardly been anywhere.

I figure we've only got this one world,

we should try and experience it.

Oh, you're alive!

I am.

Thank God.

See I assumed you were

dead because why else

when we have a network pitch

coming up would you go AWOL

and stop answering your email

and your phone and your text.

Uhh.

Um, holy sh*t!

Looks like Martha Stewart vomited in here.

What's going on?

I uhh, I got a roommate.

You're living with someone?

Yeah, my fianc.

Get the f...

Are you serious?

Yeah.

You're serious!?

Oh my god no, no, no.

This is the worst thing that

could happen to a writing team!

Wilson, come on,

Oh and you already got that

stupid look on your face.

No wonder your ideas lick!

You've got love brain!!

Hey, I don't have love brain

and my ideas don't lick!

What about my script "Special Agent Ed"?

That's about a Ret*rded FBI agent!

Oh my god.

I do have love brain.

Ditch this chick.

Cause we've got three

network pitches coming up,

and we have Jack!

That's funny, I should write that down.

I promise I won't let my relationship

affect our work anymore.

I need this more than you do man.

Mhmm, that's debatable.

But Wilson, you have to meet Maria.

Maria?

Her names Maria, she's ethnic?!

Great!

That's like love brain on crack!!

Don't worry Senora Maria is

very nice, you'll love her.

I'm not worried.

Good.

Ah, Nelia, how are you?

I thought you died.

Evil eye thing, I got one of

these guys again, evil eye.

Oh, Nelia, this is Jack, my fianc.

Jack this is my favorite cousin, Nelia.

He so cute.

Oh my god.

What does Seora Maria think?

That's why we're here.

First time?

Yeah.

Good to see you!

Call me!

I know, I know!

Bye!

Bye.

This is your therapist's office?

Shhhhh!

You've got Tobe kidding me.

Stop it.

What?

This is not the man for you.

You must leave immediately.

What is it, what did she say?

So, how are the Patriots

lookin' on Sunday, huh?

Three turnovers. Pats lose by six.

Why don't you just tell me

what crystal ball lady said?

It's obviously upsetting you.

It's nothing.

Are those the same underwear

you had on last night?

No.

Ugh.

Two days in a row.

That's disgusting.

I showered before bed last night.

Why should I change them

after only sleeping in them?

Because that's the rule.

Everyone knows everyday

starts off with a fresh pair of underwear.

Well, there's 24-hours Ina

day, so technically...

I'm still good.

I better not catch you

trying to squeeze another day out of those.

Yes, mom.

Look, you're letting

whatever that voodoo lady

said get to you, and

that's completely nuts.

Seora Maria has a gift.

Yeah, and it's called hustling!

Wait.

Aren't you going to fold my underwear?!

Hm?

You're stacking, see how I fold yours.

That's how you do it!

Do you really expect me to fold this?

Yes!

It's like trying to do origami.

Now please tell me that this

has something to do with

voodoo lady, because this is

the most intense conversation

about underwear, anyone has ever had!

She said we have to hold

off on getting married.

It's not a big deal.

It just means she has to

read you or us again.

This is about yourfamily, isn't it?

It has nothing to do with Seora Maria.

She's just a excuse.

No, Jack.

Maria, I promise I will change

your father's mind about me...

Because he's your family.

But there is no way in hell I'm

going to see the fortune teller.

Now if you believe in her,

that's fine, that's your thing.

But I will never be told

by some "magic lady"

who I can and can't marry.

And neither should you.

Look Maria, I love you.

That's all you need to know.

I love you too, Jack.

Our first fight.

You know what this can mean?

What?

Our first make-up sex.

Ohh.

God I love firsts.

Not on the underwear!!!

Good morning, baby.

Time to tell my parents the good news.

Have you seen any of my hair ties around?

I love this game.

I found one in my cereal the other day.

Come on we have to go.

Ready?

Bring it on.

No pausing.

Go!

Favorite musician?

-Black-eyed peas.-Katy Perry.

Favorite movie?

-Star Wars.-The Notebook.

Favorite food?

-French fries.-Chinese.

Uhh, favorite position?

-Quarterback.-On top.

Wow!

You were right.

This is definitely the best

way to get to know someone.

No, no.

I thought you meant...

I said position.

And look where you went.

You set me up!

You totally set me up!!

It was your game.

Wait a minute, why am I embarrassed?

You just admitted to liking Katy Perry.

What's wrong with Katy Perry?

Nothing, if you're a tween.

On top, huh?

You better believe it.

How come we always enter

through the back door?

Because we never use the

front entrance of our house.

Why not?

Because then it would get dirty.

C'mon.

I got this.

Marco!

Dinner!

Hey.

Hey.

You're most susceptible to

the devil when you yawn.

Mom stopped him.

Right on.

Homemade Portuguese wine is

the best wine in the world.

Jose, you missed someone.

That's okay.

I'm not a big drinker.

You no like Portuguese wine?!

No, no.

I do.

I just wanted you to know that I,

that I don't have a drinking

problem or anything.

So, Jack, Maria tells us

that you write funny tv.

But what do you do for a living?

Uhh well, that's it.

I'm a... I'm a writer.

I write sitcoms for a living.

Jack created the show "My Two Dicks"?

Sweet!!!

Detectives.

My Two Detectives.

Writing is not a job.

Have you thought about construction?

You need a real job to support a family.

Jose, what did we talk about?

I'm being nice.

Right, Jack?

Why don't you tell us what

you know about Portugal.

Dad?

Let him answer, badger.

Well I umm...

This should be good.

I didn't realize this would be on the test.

To be honest, I don't know too much, sir.

All I know is that Portugal's

a very small country...

So they must have very small people

so they can all fit in it.

Not that you're small sir.

You are a good size.

But one thing is for certain.

Portugal's number one export

must be beautiful women.

Maria, Avo...

Uhh, Mrs. Moniz.

Mr. Moniz, you are a lucky man!

Lucky that I'm not ten years older.

That's some uh, good

Portuguese genes right there

and I'd love to get in on that action.

I mean, have beautiful

Portuguese children one day,

with your daughter, not your wife.

That would be wildly inappropriate.

Is this another one of your jokes, Jack?

Jesus Christ, no.

Jack.

Oh, goddamnit.

Jack!

Did you know that five hundred years ago

Portugal conquered eighty

percent of the globe?!

Now how could such a small

country have so much power?

Because they are strong and smart?

That's right!

Hey Marco, take Jack to your

room and show him the old map!!

Right now before dinner.

Do I have to?

If you're not out of

here in five seconds...

Dad.

How could you give up

such a nice Portuguese doctor for this?

Jose, please.

I will not please Anna!

Someone in this family has

to talk some sense to her!

Maria.

You two don't belong together.

You're too different.

Can't you see?

I mean, he will never understand us.

Daddy, I love him.

You only think you do, I can

find you a better match.

Trust me.

How could you?!

The silence must have been k*lling you!

You get asked a simple

question about Portugal,

and you answer it by insulting my dad

and then hitting on my mom?!

You know your dad makes me very nervous.

And your mom...

Well it was meant as a compliment.

It was creepy!

Why didn't you just talk about backpacking

through Europe, Jack?

Wait, you have been to Europe, right?

I'm so sorry.

Oh my god, you lied to me?!

I was trying to impress you!

I got caught up.

"We've only have this one world,

we should try and experience it"?!!

Have you even been to India?!

Indiana?

I'm so sorry.

I swear it's the only thing

I've ever fibbed about

and I am so sorry Maria.

For lying and embarrassing you.

I'm gonna make this up to you, Maria.

I promise.

I'm gonna show yourfamily the real Jack.

Please don't.

Space Bar, it's like "Cheers" in space???

Do you hate me?

It was just an idea.

I've got others.

I've read the others!

We're screwed, Jack.

Our pitch is at the end of the month

and your only solution is to

reboot 80's sitcoms in space!!

I mean, you're the concept guy.

The hell you been doing with your time?

I've been hashing out some new concepts.

Right.

It's been a little rocky

on the home front lately.

How long have we been friends?

Forever.

Mhm.

You know I'd push someone so

they'd take a b*llet for you,

right?

Yeah.

Right so, prioritize us, Jack.

We are running out of time.

Tick, tick, tick.

Look Maria's a really great person,

but dude, it's not your first rodeo.

Engagement?

Tomato.

The point is, girls come and go,

but I have always been there for you.

So stop being a b*tch and

give me a decent pitch.

Hey, Wilson.

How's the writing going?

Peachy.

Hey babe, where are you going?

Uhh, just gonna get some

fresh cod fish for dinner.

See ya later.

Yeah, see ya later.

Stupid love brain.

Jack!

Jack!

You said you cleaned the

bottom of the cupboards.

I did.

Well then you don't know the

difference between clean

and Portuguese clean.

My Av will white glove us, Jack.

Did you dust the tops of

the kitchen cupboards?

She could never reach.

Never under estimate an

old Portuguese woman

looking for dirt.

Fine!

Did you clean the bathroom?!

Yes!

And did you take out the bathroom garbage?!

Yes!

Do we always have to shout at each other?!

What?!

Never mind.

What?!

I said, never mind!

I'm turning into one of them.

Jack, I didn't know you spoke Portuguese?

He's been learning.

We know his English wasn't working.

Well, I'm very impressed, Jack.

Did you know that it was

a Portuguese priest

who pioneered solar panels?

And that it was a Portuguese doctor

who invented the lobotomy?

Why?

You in the market?

I can be funny too right?

Jose.

Ah, I wish Sporting was

playing that's my team.

You like Sporting?

Yeah, I'd like them a lot better

if they had Cristiano Ronaldo!

Ronaldinhu!!!!

Maybe this guy's not so bad, Maria.

Ronaldo!!!!

It's going good!

Jack, what's in his mouth?

He's got a condom.

Oh my god.

Hey, nobody wants this.

Mom, coffee?

Dad, some more wine?

Oh yeah, sorry!

Give it to me.

Give it to me,

Mom, dad?

Good doggy.

Good doggy.

You want a cookie?

Yeah, you want a cookie?

Maria get him a cookie!!!

Here, Mr. Bojangles.

Come, come.

Mamas got a biscuit.

It's peanut butter, your favorite.

I thought Mr. Bojangles was fixed.

Bojangles totally threw me under the bus.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Do not blame Mr. Bojangles!

I specifically asked you if you

threw out the bathroom garbage.

And you said "Yes"!

I thought I had.

I'm sorry.

Maria?

Go to sleep.

What, you don't even know

what I was going to ask.

The answer's "no" to all of your questions.

I just you know I just think

it's been a while since...

Since what?

Since I got to visit Area 51.

I've heard rumors about it.

Ow!

You don't have to practice

being in a bad mood, you know.

'Cause you're like a professional!

Jack?

Jack?

Jack, did you takeout the garbage?

Maria, I'm working!

Let go, Maria.

It was never meant to be.

Well if Seora Maria says

it, it must be true!!

For once in your life, can you be serious?

Can you not make your stupid little jokes?!

Only if you can speak English.

Blah, pish, blah, pish,

That's all I ever hear.

It's like listening to the dishwasher!

Excuse me for being bilingual!

Excuse me for having a sense of humor!

Seora Maria said this would happen.

I can't take this!

You are crazy!

Jesus Christ!

What did you call me?!

You heard me!

I am not crazy!

Then tell me why you

believe in her so much?!

Make me understand why you need

Seora Maria in your life?!!

Because she's never wrong!!

She told me to stay home.

The day of Marco's accident.

She warned me that something

bad would happen,

and I didn't listen.

I was the one driving the car that day.

I was supposed to drop Marco

off at his soccer game,

but I wanted a stupid pair of

shoes from the mall first.

And when I was going through an

intersection when we got hit.

I should have listened.

Baby.

No Jack, no.

It was a freak accident.

You can't blame yourself.

It's not just that, it's everything.

Don't you see, Jack?

She's never wrong.

Well, shes wrong about us.

No, she's not.

Look whats happening to us.

We're just too different and

deep down we both know it.

I'm sorry.

Is Seora Maria the reason

you broke up with your ex?

Maria, okay, look at me.

Is she the reason?

Wow.

Here I thought that my love

for you actually mattered.

That I was the guy whose

love trumped superstition.

But now I know Im not that guy.

Jack.

I was just one of the guys who tried.

Jack.

Oh, Querida.

I'm so sorry.

It's going to be alright.

There was this one Christmas.

I was nine.

And I remember really wanting

Starscream, this transformer.

But not just any transformer,

the coolest one because he could

change into a fighter jet.

Ooooh.

Yeah, he was totally bad-a*s.

I must've wrote Santa half a dozen letters.

Wait a second, you were nine and

you still believed in Santa?

I wanted to believe, alright!

Can I finish my story?

Anyway, Christmas morning comes

and I race downstairs

and I rip open my gift.

And I see this knock off

transformer called "The Flyer".

I didn't say anything,

but I was heartbroken.

I tried to hide it,

but I knew my mom could seethe

disappointment on my face.

And um, that was the last

gift she ever got me.

She died six months later.

I know I was only nine, but umm...

I just wish I was more

appreciative, you know.

I'll never forget that look on her face.

God.

Ah dude, I mean can we let's, let's,

let's get out of here lets go get a beer.

This place is disgusting.

I don't want to.

Ugh, Jacky, Jack.

I know break-ups suck, but

so do new girlfriends.

Lets go get some of those.

Look dude, I know you

cant see it right now,

but this was the best thing.

You can focus on writing again.

I'm glad my miserys worked

out so well for you.

What?

Don't say that, how's it working...

Look, don't be hatin' me, I'm

here trying to help you.

You need to forget about this girl

and the best way to do that is

to bury yourself in what you love.

Forget it, Wilson.

Okay, I'm done.

I'm through with writing.

I'm not 20 years old anymore man.

It's time for me to try something else.

Yeah, great, okay, good.

So uhh, what then?

What? Youre gonna do what?

You're gonna go work for daddy??

You're gonna work for daddy!!

Screw you, Jack!!

I'm not letting you quit because

some girl broke your heart

and your too busy feeling

sorry for yourself.

Oh and uhh, by the way,

when we came out here we

had a deal, remember?

When we had some success and

then yes things fell apart

and it got really scary, for me

too, it got really really scary.

But we have another chance, right now.

A chance by the way buddy, I

scrambled my a*s to get us.

So if you're gonna quit,

you're gonna quit after.

For now lets put away our

sh*t and do something great.

Have you been watching

Rudy again haven't you?

He was little but his dreams were big.

Okay.

Ahhh!

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah!

I might have a new idea.

Ahh, is it set in space?

It is not set in space.

Beautiful.

Let me hear it.

Okay.

How's my little badger?

Hmm?

Maria, I can't stand to see you like this.

You have to get on with your life.

And stop eating, you're putting on weight.

Gee, thanks, dad.

Thanks for the pep talk.

I'm just saying, nobody

wants a fat old wife.

Your weight, you can still

do something about.

Where's mom?

Never mind your mother.

I know what you need.

I got you a present.

I'm picking it up later.

What is it?

It's a surprise, Maria.

This better not be a joke.

No jokes here, Maria.

We all know youve been moping around

because you miss a certain someone.

So, I brought him here.

Surprise!

It's the Portuguese doctor!

Hi, Maria.

Hello, Paul.

You surprised, Maria?

I think Im gonna be sick.

Theres nothing better for

sickness than a doctor!

What??

Maria?

Are you alright?!

Yeah, mom, I'm okay.

So?

Everything happens for a reason.

What the hells that mean?

It means...

Congratu-fricken-lations.

You got your funny back, Jack.

Yes!

This is brilliant.

It's original.

Man, it's unlike anything

youve ever written.

There's some structure

problems but I can fix that

I'll punch it up in a couple

days but wow dude wow!

You think we have a real shot?

Umm, I think we got ourselves a pilot deal.

Yes!

Well done!

Well done, well done.

Let's celebrate.

c*ck hour at The Beagle.

I'll call Amy shes gonna

bring her friend Lisa.

Beautiful brunette, you will love her.

Lets do this.

I dunno.

No, no you haven't been out in forever.

You've been cooped up in

here for 48 hours straight,

you gotta get out.

And you've got to meet Lisa.

This Lisa.

She also work at the Home Hardware?

You know I like my women handy.

Alright I'll go.

I gotta figure out how

to fix my toilet anyway.

Don't lead with that.

Here I'll ah meet you in the car.

Gotta grab my cell.

Hurry dude!

Hey Wilson, what's up?

No, I'm just cleaning.

Why?

You're kidding?

They gave us the green-light?!

No, no, I'll be right there.

Mom?

What is it, Maria?

Can I talk to you for a minute mom?

Sure.

What is it, querida?

Uhh...

I don't know how to tell you this, uh,

I'm pregnant.

I know.

Did you tell Jack yet?

You knew?

A mother senses things.

Soon you will sense things too.

You are a lot like me, Maria.

But you inherited your

fathers stubbornness.

Mom, how am I ever gonna tell daddy?

He's always said hed rather die

than live with the shame of an

unmarried pregnant daughter.

He'll get over it.

He loves you.

Your father shouldnt be your main concern.

Do you really love Jack?

More than anything.

But it's just not meant to be.

Daddy hates him and Seora Maria

says that we're not meant for one another.

Stop trying so hard to please your father.

Do what you feel is in your heart.

As for Seora Maria,

I told you to stop seeing

her a long time ago.

I know.

You can't keep relying on her, Maria.

What happened to Marco would

have happened anyway...

With or without you.

But she was right.

Just like she was right about my job,

right about Uncle Joao's tumor.

Mom, shes always right!

Not always.

When I was younger, I was

madly in love with this boy.

When I was with him nothing else mattered.

He made time stand still.

Oh, I had a very bad case of love brain.

Oh god, could he make me laugh.

We were always laughing.

So one day he asked me to marry him.

That night, I prayed to God,

that Seora Maria would see

a bright future for us,

that we were a good match.

When we went to see her,

she looked me straight in the eye and said,

"He's not the one".

You see...

I knew he was the one,

I didn't dare go against the community.

You know how Portuguese people talk.

So, we broke up and it broke my heart.

A week later, Seora Maria

was calling him every day.

She wouldn't give any body

permission to marry him.

I ended up getting married

six months later.

Seora Maria was in love with dad?

No.

She was in love with Uncle Joao.

But that would mean that

you and Uncle Joao...

Were madly in love.

When I wasn't given

permission to marry him,

I was introduced to his older brother,

your father, and I settled down.

Not knowing the future

can be very frightening.

But it's the beauty of life.

Lose your fears, Querida.

Stop trying to control the

future and start living it.

Everybody makes mistakes.

But if you're too scared

to make them on your own...

You might miss out on something wonderful.

Querida.

I should have listened to

my heart, not Seora Maria.

Hello Jack, I'm umm, I'm pregnant.

Uhh.

Hello Jack, how are you?

I'm umm, I-I-I'm pregnant.

No um, hey Jack, umm, guess what?

Oh come on dummy get a grip.

Okay.

And, cut!

Perfect, it's looking great

guys, looking great.

Can we take it one more time

from the top of this scene?

Mhmm, yeah.

Wanna find another joke here?

Yeah, I'll figure it

out, I'll figure it out.

It's great though, it's great.

Brian, this time deliver the line

about the underwear with frustration.

Like you can't believe

shed even suggest that.

It looks like the sun will be up soon.

Yeah.

This is my favorite time,

right before dawn.

So peaceful.

Before anyone's has had a chance

to step out and ruin it all.

When I first came in here you

were listening to something,

what was it?

It's a song my cousin wrote.

It's kinda sad.

Mind if I listen?

Okay, come sit next to me

Time's running out

Only minutes away from saying goodbye

Will I see you again?

Can't let something this

perfect come to an end

So close, but yet so far,

thought I knew just who you are

Breaking down

My heart is through and through

How is it that you cant see you...

Are the one for me?

We almost had it all

But lost it somehow

My heart was placed with hope

But the flicker's going out

We almost had it all

But fate has taken you

Ladies and gentleman youve

all been so wonderful

and so patient, we're gonna be

going in about five minutes.

Enjoy the show!

Five minutes buddy!

We are gonna k*ll this.

What if we don't, huh?

What if our show ends up like

the "Marty's Party" pilot.

What is that I never saw that?

Exactly!

The studio audience was so silent

they pulled the plug before the second act!

Hey shh, that is not gonna happen here.

We are gonna rock this!

I promise you.

I need this, Wilson, this is my last shot.

I can't work at a Starbucks,

the learning curve there looks ridiculous!

Hey, guys.

What do think of Seora Maria's make-up?

I like it.

Looks good.

Let's make her creepier, huh?

Break a leg.

Break legs, Thelma.

Break legs!

Nice.

Here we go.

I don't care.

Mr. Bojangles totally

threw me under the bus.

Don't blame Mr. Bojangles.

You know, I specifically asked you

if you threw out the bathroom garbage.

And you said, "Yes!"

I thought I did.

I'm sorry!

So...

No uhhh, sex tonight?

Yes! Yes!

C'mon man, c'mon!

Don't make fun of Seora Maria!!

Oh, come on, she's a

freakin' fortune teller!!!

Who always happens to always be right!

She was right about my

dad, right about your mom,

right about my dad hooking

up with your mom!

She's never wrong!

Well, shes wrong about us.

All I know, is what I know.

And that's that...

I love you.

This is about you and me, not

about you, me and Seora Maria!

You called?!

What do you want?

I need to speak with Maria.

You've done enough to Maria!

I'm not leaving until I speak to her.

I should k*ll you for

what you did to Maria!

You have no respect!

You come here and use my front door?!

Nobody uses my front door!

Not even the mailman!

I'm not leaving.

Daddy, who is it??

Nobody...

Maria, It's me!

I have to talk to you.

There's nothing left to say Jack.

I still love you.

Do you still love me?

What are you doing?

I'll do anything for

another chance with us.

Whatever it takes...

Too much time has passed and I've moved on

and so have you.

That's not true.

I just finished sh**ting

my show and it's all...

I'm not feeling well.

Goodbye, Jack.

All you've ever done is upset her.

Oh, what the hell?!

Oops, sorry, we uhh...

We came here to you to celebrate

and you werent here so we...

We kinda started without you.

Hey, hey, Jack, uhh...

Hey.

Uh, Lisa from plumbing asks

about you all the time.

Hey dude, we did it!

The network ordered 12episodes right away!

We totally banged it man!!

Amy, can I talk to Wilson alone for a sec?

Yeah, yeah of course.

I'll uhh, see you in the

truck my little samosa.

Yes, yes, yes.

My big big hammer.

Dude, were you mad

that I was getting my pipes

cleaned on your couch?

No.

I bet you wish you had sprung

for scotch-guard now huh.

You should be drinking with me, we did it!

They're talking about a

Thursday night time slot man!

I went to see Maria.

And cancelled before we aired.

She wouldn't hear me out and

I don't know what to do.

This isn't going away, is it?

When we were writing, it was

like I was still with her.

I know its pathetic.

No, I get it.

I get it now that we're done

you feel like youre

losing her all over again.

Ah, sh*t buddy.

Alright.

I know what to do.

Here we go, here we go.

You ready?

This is stupid.

I love you.

Lets do this.

Come on, come on.

This is never gonna work Wilson.

Yes it will.

Look, all you gotta do is get

the old broad to give you the

thumbs up and then Maria

will take you back.

Okay, lets do this.

Hey, there.

Money.

Nice to see you too.

Want me to...

Alright.

I know its nuts, right?

But what do you got to lose?

Nothing.

You're like a little Portuguese ninja.

Shhh!

I see a quarrel in your

past that haunts you.

I see a reunion!

A man...

Apologizing.

Your father...

He feels guilty because he

forced you to play sports.

He realizes that he's been

trying to live his dreams through you.

That never happened.

I'm talking to him!

Oh my god.

That makes so much sense now.

He named me after a volleyball...

Look Seora Maria, kay we are

here to see my future, not his.

He paid, not you.

Jack I gotta go, I gotta call my dad.

I see you chasing a woman.

No wait...

Another.

I see you chasing two women.

That can't be.

Who are they?

I see Maria.

Who's the other?

Hmmmmm.

It's to murky, I can't tell.

No no, wait...

I see an Isabella.

Okay, look, Seora Maria.

Here's the deal.

Ok, I don't know who

this Isabella chick is,

but I'm in love with Maria.

I really need you to do

a new reading for us.

I need you to tell her we're a good match.

No Maria, no reading.

Then please call her Seora Maria

tell her you want to do a new reading.

Just please, I'm desperate here.

You're my last chance.

So, now you want the voo-doo lady's help?

You should have been a believer!

It's an international flight, you know?

You're never gonna make it.

Ahh, I'll drive fast.

I've got a few more minutes.

Ahhhh.

Doesnt feel real to me.

What?

Everything.

This whole night.

You, me, this diner.

It's like we're inside this other world

and nothing outside of this booth exists.

It's like ah, were Ina zombie movie

and we're the last two

people on the planet.

Yeah.

And like weve known each other...

Forever.

Jack?

What's the craziest thing

youve ever done for love?

Start the truck!

Start the truck!!!

What the hell are you doing?!!!

This is kidnapping!

If Maria wont come here.

I'll bring Seora Maria to her.

Are you insane?!

This is kidnapping!!!

Wilson, a little help!

Put me down you son of a b*tch.

I curse you so that bad luck

will be the only luck you have!

She seems angry.

What is she doing?

She's trying to give me evil eye.

What does that mean?

It's a European thing.

Amy, get us out of here.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

I am cursing the Patriots too!

Leave them out of this!

Stop hugging me.

I'm not hugging you.

It feels like a hug, let go!

It didn't have to be like this!

Come on.

I'm not going anywhere with you!

Everybody put gloves on!

Come on out.

I am not coming out of this truck

Don't make me come in there.

You have to k*ll me to get

me out of this truck.

Hey!

What are you doing?!

Whoo-oooo, she is nimble.

I'm impressed.

Listen to me, Seora Maria.

You are gonna tell Maria

we are a good match!

You got it?!

Okay.

Son of a b*tch!

She bit me!

Amy you got her?

Oh, I got her.

Jack, you alright?

Come on, lets do this!

Maria!!!

Maria!!!

I've brought our little friend!!

What are you doing here?!

I though youd give up by now!

If that's what you thought Seor Moniz

then you don't know Jack.

Does anyone have a pen?!

Call the police, Jose.

This guy is maluco!

What are you doing here, Jack?

You wouldn't hear me out before,

but I knew youd listen to Seora Maria

if I brought her here.

So, go ahead, ask her.

Maria, he is not the man for you!

He has no place in your future!

He will curse you!!

You shut up!

I'm sick of listening to you!!

Maria, some respect!

Not now.

I demand...

Enough, dad!!

I am sick and tired of being guilted

and listening to how everyone

thinks I should live my life.

Sometimes bad things just happen.

Because they do, not because I'm cursed.

A lousy coincidence...

That's all they've ever been.

But there is one person I

would like to hear from...

So, go ahead Jack.

Maria, I came here because I

wanted Seora Maria's blessing.

But the truth is...

I dont believe in her.

I-I tried, but...

I can't.

Because I cant believe in anything

that would want to keep us apart.

All I know, is what I know.

And thats that I love you.

From the first moment we met, I knew it.

I knew my life would never be the same.

And it hasn't.

I've missed you, Maria.

I have missed your

ridiculous superstitions,

your snoring, your obsessive cleaning.

I don't snore.

I even miss your insane family.

Sorry, guys.

Nahhh.

I've missed it all.

If you really feel that way Jack...

Then why did I see you

kissing that other woman?

What?

What woman?

The brunette, Jack.

I saw you kissing her at your place.

No!

No, no, no.

That was an actor who was

kissing another actor

who just kinda looks like me.

I know that sounds like

bullshit, but it's not.

I was directing them for my show,

which is all about you

and me and Seora Maria

and your family.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

A lot has changed, Jack.

Would you feel the same way...

If you knew?

You're uhh...

Immaculate conception?

I'm gonna be a dad.

What is it, what's the matter?

I think my water just broke.

Someone Callan ambulance!

Nonsense!

Maria's decided on a traditional

Portuguese home birth.

So, I'm calling the middle

wife, please bring her in.