Wilde Wedding, The (2017)

[bunniefuu]

YOUNG WOMAN:

So, what can I tell you about Eve Wilde

that you don't already know?

Well, for starters, she absolutely hates

being called Grandma or Grandmother

or anything with "grand" in it.

So she's just plain old Eve

to both you and me.

Oh, you probably do know

she's been married before, right?

But the only one you really need

to pay attention to is Laurence,

husband number one

and my personal favorite

because he is technically my grandpa,

but guess what.

I can't call him that either. Actors.

Eve and Laurence met in New York

where Laurence was studying

to be a famous actor.

And Eve wanted to be an actress,

but, well, you know

how that old chestnut goes.

Life's what happens

while you're busy making plans.

Laurence got cast

as the lead in this big comedy.

and he got Eve a part in it too,

which was super cool of him.

But when the film came out, all of the

reviews said, "Hello. A star is born."

But they weren't talking about Laurence.

By the time Eve was

one of the biggest stars in the world,

she and Laurence were exchanging

humorous divorce gifts.

A silver cowbell for Eve

to wear around her neck

so Laurence would always know

she was coming.

A birdcage for Laurence so that

the next Mrs. Darling couldn't get away.

I'd say Eve is on the whole

what you'd call a positive person.

She says that her whole life has been

one long fairy tale and everything.

But I might just disagree with Eve here.

I might say in everything except love,

which, frankly, if you knew the family

would be considered the family "hurdle."

But all that was about to change.

MAN: Like the lightning

that precedes thunder,

my eyes took in what my heart knew

an instant later,

that this was love.

Love at first sight.

YOUNG WOMAN: So I'm making a film

for Eve of the weekend.

It's my wedding gift.

And from prior experience,

I can say it'll have

a little bit of all the genres:

comedy, drama, musical

and, of course,

documentary, which is my forte

because I like to think

I ask the tough questions.

I bet it was the Swedish nanny

who jumped you when you were, like, 16.

- Excuse me?

- Mom told me.

She said that girl

was totally your type. Bad girl.

Oh, my God.

Mackenzie, that is so inappropriate.

Come on,

it was the Swedish nanny, right?

Actually, my first love was...

My first love...

MACKENZIE: OK, so he's doing

this whole drum-roll thing

because deep down,

he wants to say it was my mom,

but instead he's just trying to think

of something funny.

That's my mom and dad

in this band they had.

Mom said there were a lot of guys

trying to get her attention,

but she only had eyes for him.

She said he wrote the most dreamy music.

Thing is, he still does,

just not for her.

My first love was a crme brle

that I had in the south of France

when I was 12.

You're so emotionally Ret*rded, Dad.

- Thank you.

- (MUSICAL RINGTONE)

Alright, hang on.

- Hey, Jimmy.

- I'm patching Ethan in.

- OK.

- But I got everything.

All of Harold's numbers,

bank accounts, loans, debts...

MACKENZIE: My Uncle Jimmy has fallen

in love, like, a gazillion times.

He says he's a romantic.

- Look.

- MAN: Jimmy?

MACKENZIE: There he goes again.

MAN: Jimmy? Jimmy, you there?

- Sorry. What? Sorry. Where was I?

- Having your suspicions confirmed.

Right, confirming my suspicion

that people who write serious novels

have a relatively small pot to piss in.

- Which is why this f*cking prenup is...

- Dad.

- Hey, honey.

- Hi, Dad.

Your bus is very late.

Yeah, I know. I was on it.

Dad, this is Pink.

- Pink?

- Hey, dude.

She's coming with us for the weekend.

Well, honey, it's kind of

a special weekend, don't you think?

I brought a friend to her last wedding.

But you were five.

I brought a friend to your last wedding.

Thanks, babe.

Please, I finally erased

that whole debacle from my memory.

- Where's the car?

- Right there.

Come on.

Hello? Where the hell's Ethan?

(GRUNTING)

MACKENZIE: My Uncle Ethan

says he's never getting married.

Oh, f*ck! My God! Ah!

MACKENZIE: He says why would he,

with all the interesting people

he meets on social media these days?

Good boy, Yoyo. Good boy.

WOMAN: Oh, hey, Guy. Yeah.

You heard the new tracks? OK.

I'm gonna have the number-one

album and the number-one tour

if you pull your finger out of your a*s.

Do your job. I want arenas.

- Oh, honey, look. Look.

- No. Mom, please.

Yes, yes, yes. Hey, can you pull over?

Yes, yes, right here.

MACKENZIE: The problem is

that when it comes to relationships,

examples have to be set.

But in my case, the adults setting them

are quite possibly

the worst examples known to man.

JIMMY: Mom, Mom,

that slope near the boathouse.

Somebody's gonna go a*s over backwards

into a lawsuit.

Well, it leads down to the lake.

I don't want to board it up.

Well, can we at least put up

a couple of signs?

Al, could you make up a couple of signs

that say "Beware of Steep Slope"?

- A sign?

- WOMAN: Hello?

A sign's gonna save us

a million dollars if someone falls.

- We're in here.

- Mom.

WOMAN: Hi.

Sam.

Sam can't pass a vintage clothing store

without begging me to stop.

- Hello, darling.

- What's up, buddy?

- That's for you.

- Come sit down.

- You look beautiful.

- Thank you.

Sam, just do what I do.

Donate all the clothes Mom gives me.

I think your mother

has a charming fashion sense.

- So do I.

- This is lovely.

Yeah.

- Sam. Tell me, how is your father?

- He's in Miami.

- Yeah. Sebastian and I broke up.

- EVE: Why?

Well, you know, it was either that

or I was gonna strangle him.

Sure, the go-to options.

- MACKENZIE: So, Eve...

- EVE: Mm-hm.

MACKENZIE: What can you tell us

about your first love?

Oh.

There was a beautiful boy, Cosmo.

He was the reason I joined

the theater class where I met Laurence.

Of course,

Cosmo wasn't interested in girls.

Yeah, duh. Of course. His name is Cosmo.

Alright, so... so, what,

your first love was Laurence?

I remember the first time

Laurence and I rehearsed.

He looked at me

with that smoldering stare that he has.

I mean, you know. You know the one.

I know it well.

And it was goodbye, Cosmo,

hello, Laurence.

( "BOOTY SWING" BY PAROV STELAR)

EVE: Now, of course,

Laurence has had the career

every actor would dream of having,

unless, of course,

you're Laurence Darling.

He's recognized as a great actor.

I'm just a... a simple movie star.

And he could find that very annoying.

- Morning.

- Morning.

- Boys, boys, boys.

- Dad.

It's so good to see you.

Why isn't it more often?

- You never return any of our calls.

- Dad, Dad, Dad.

It was a rhetorical question, James.

We all have such busy lives now.

- Laurence.

- The Lady Eve.

- How are you?

- I am grand.

I have come to see you off again.

Maybe we'll get it right this time.

That's why I'm here,

to make sure that this one is a keeper.

You are so thoughtful.

As if you'd have any idea

what a keeper was.

- WOMAN: Laurence.

- I'm sensing a theme here.

Are all the exes invited?

- Just the ones Mom likes.

- And they're still alive.

Well, I'm glad I still qualify.

Has the great man arrived?

Not yet. His sense of timing's

even better than yours.

Upstaged again?

- WOMAN: Bad Girls.

- HAROLD: Uh...

(BRITISH ACCENT)

Right. Uh, Bad Girls, Bad Girls.

(BRITISH ACCENT) Dad, come on.

It was one of her biggest hits.

Oh, yeah, got it.

Uh, Eve steals into a prison...

an Indonesian prison

to save her daughter

who's wrongly accused of m*rder.

OK, and it ends...?

Oh, f... Um...

Hang on just a minute. Uh...

Oh, yes, uh, it turns out

the daughter actually did it,

but Eve takes her place

on the scaffold anyway.

Actually, it's a rip-off

of Tale of Two Cities.

(BRITISH ACCENT)

Dad, I think it's very romantic

that you're going to all this effort.

- Thank you, Clemmie.

- Romantic?

It's an absolute bloody miracle.

RADIO: You're an angel from up above

Sent down to give me love...

CLEMMIE: Dad?

Dad.

I'm sorry.

It's a big day here.

- Waiting for Harold.

- (BRITISH ACCENT) It's a very good day.

Harold, man. Oh.

(BRITISH ACCENT) Mum. Mummy.

Hey, hey, hey.

- ETHAN: Here they come. Here they come.

- (HORN BEEPS)

JIMMY: He's going around the wrong way.

(HORN BEEPS)

EVE: Alright, everyone, behave, behave.

BOY: Our new family.

MACKENZIE: Four.

EVE: Welcome! Welcome!

And there's number five.

Oh!

Right. This is my daughter, Clemmie.

Hello, Clemmie.

I've heard so much about you.

- My daughter, Rose.

- Rose, yes.

And this is Rose's friend

and almost third daughter.

- Hello.

- Saffron.

Saffron. Hi.

Come meet my family.

There's Jimmy, my oldest.

- Hey, Jimmy.

- James.

- And then Rory.

- Hi, Rory.

- Ethan.

- Ethan.

Back there with the camera

is Mackenzie,

whose mother is Priscilla

who was married to Rory.

Here's Sam.

You are doing...? Hi.

- My daughter, Mackenzie.

- Hi.

- Hi, Mackenzie.

- Hi.

EVE: My nephew, Dylan.

My brother's son,

who sadly couldn't be here. And...

- You are who?

- Dylan.

- Dylan, hi.

- And Laurence, the father of my sons.

And husband number one.

What a great pleasure. I am a big fan.

The pleasure is all mine.

I'm a bigger fan.

EVE: So you guys are in here.

Oh, thank you very much.

MACKENZIE: According to Wikipedia,

"Harold Alcott writes novels about love

that are tragically comedic."

Which means he's gonna fit right in

with this family.

- HAROLD: I missed you.

- EVE: Well, that's your fault.

It's because you have

so many books to pack.

HAROLD: Well, I'm a writer.

Just as long as you have that book

with the pictures that we like.

Oh.

The Pompeiian bathhouses.

Yeah, those saucy Romans.

I brought it in my hand luggage.

RORY: Get off.

Stop it.

Oh.

(LAUGHS)

Did the cat get the cream?

- What cream?

- Silver fox.

Major hottie. For an old guy.

Oh, you know, hang on here, you guys.

You make me sound so... so superficial,

like it's all about

his, granted, good looks

and not about his big...

whoopee-doo-doo.

(LAUGHTER)

Do I really have to hear this?

Did I wanna hear about you and Priscilla

and the best sex of all time?

Hey, hey, hey. I never said that.

- Really?

- Really?

Do not repeat that to Mackenzie. Do not.

It wasn't the greatest sex of my life.

It was the greatest sex of his.

RORY: Seriously?

Hello?

Hello? Hi, yes. I'm trying to track down

an employee of yours.

She drove the Montauk bus yesterday

that arrived at 11:45.

Actually, I say it arrived at 11:45,

but in point of fact

it was very, very late.

Why do I wish to contact her?

Is that any business of yours?

I mean, I could be an estate attorney.

MACKENZIE:

So what does marriage mean to you?

What's your experience with that?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, well...

My... My parents fighting.

People getting divorced.

Whoa, OK. You're being a little bit

of a Debbie Downer here, alright?

What about first love?

What's...

What's your experience with that?

First love?

Let me give that some thought.

Dylan, Dylan, I'm still filming.

(WATER SPLASHES)

(SIGHS)

MACKENZIE: Dylan.

Girls, you know that crazy,

warm sensation you get

when you cross your legs

and squeeze really tight?

Well, the first time I had that,

the weirdo in me

was thinking about D ylan.

But what would, o f course,

get tongues wagging around these parts

is that Dylan and I

are technically first cousins,

but first cousins once removed,

so there's, like, a three percent chance

our kids would have, like,

15 fingers and three eyes.

OK, the first-love question

was a bit leading

as Dylan and I have already kissed,

but it was last summer

and I haven't even seen him since.

Anyway, just...

it raises that age-old question.

You know, can you ever go back?

EVE: That's exactly what I was thinking,

though I think maybe a couple more here,

possibly another hydrangea.

- I think that'd be very nice.

- (CLEARS THROAT)

The last thing

I would call either of us is selfish.

In fact, the term "generous to a fault"

springs to mind.

But in this instance,

I suggest we put it to the vote

to keep our one solitary decanter

of liquid nectar

a secret from the vin ordinaire drinkers

and rendezvous back here

aprs le diner.

I second that motion and say aye.

Aye.

Harold and I will meet you back here.

Yes, Harold.

He's a fine-wine man, is he?

(MEDITATIVE CHANTING)

(RESUMES CHANTING)

(PHONE BEEPS)

(CONTINUES CHANTING)

(PHONE RINGS)

I don't wanna f*cking talk

to you, as*h*le

f*ck you

(RESUMES CHANTING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(IN PORTUGUESE) So are you happy?

Go on, say it,

and I'll tell you what I think.

I think you're a liar.

Me? I'm fine.

- Hey.

- I'm fine.

Hey.

Moving right along.

In fact, you know what?

You know what I feel like doing?

I feel like making love right now.

I want a man to devour me

and kiss every inch of my naked body

until I am begging him

to f*ck me hard.

How do you feel about that?

Well, guess what.

I'm looking at a guy right now.

And I can tell from his sh*t-eating grin

that he'll be happy to oblige.

Ciao.

MACKENZIE:

It will probably surprise you to learn

that Ethan speaks five languages,

Portuguese among them.

So he understood every word of Saf f ron's

phone call to her, quote, "grandma,"

and explains the grin

she was referring to.

ETHAN: How about we go on a little ride?

I got some delicious magic mushroom

chocolates. You up for it?

SAFFRON: Mmm. Very naughty.

( "JIMMY'S g*ng" BY PAROV STELAR)

Half will get you really high. Easy.

Aah!

Whoo!

(SNORES)

To you.

Cheers.

EVE: Mmm.

So how's it going

with the young actress?

Young is a relative term. She's 36.

She went back to her boyfriend,

at my suggestion, of course.

They're getting married.

Must be catching.

I'll probably be

at that wedding as well.

Ah, so that leaves

a position to be filled.

Mmm.

Already filled.

So, tell me, am I giving you away

for good this time?

Harold is an extraordinary man.

That he is, but will he understand

your way of thinking?

I don't think that way anymore.

Fame, success, the flattery.

I'll leave it all to you.

Thank you. I'll take it.

Very generous of you.

Eve didn't tell you I was coming, huh?

Oh, I wonder why.

Maybe she thought

you'd have a problem with it.

- Oh, hey.

- What's up, guys?

- Hey.

- Wear less.

OK, that happened. Um...

Look, a rock 'n' roll tour is not

a place for a 16-year-old girl. Come on.

Well, why don't you come?

Oh, sure. What, now that Sebastian

is no longer needed?

- Sure.

- Oh, honey.

- What?

- I think I'd rather be dead.

- sh*t. OK, good night.

- OK, good night.

( "WASH MY HANDS" BY KORMAC)

SAFFRON: Alright, now, who's shaggable?

I don't know. I can't decide

between the beautiful 17-year-old boy...

(IN PORTUGUESE) You cradle robber.

Saff.

...or the naughty 30-something-year-old

that you were tarting around with

last night.

He's much more up your alley.

- Right.

- He's all yours. How about you, Clem?

Why would I tell you,

Tweedleslap and Tweedleslapper?

- Oh, my God!

- Come on, Clem!

(LAUGHTER)

- Dad.

- Yeah?

Eve's one and only Golden Globe

was for, A, Loves of a Blonde,

or, B, Blonde Love?

Uh... Loves of a Blonde.

ROSE: Uh, wrong.

It was actually for Blind Lover.

That's a trick question.

That's not fair.

ETHAN: An early wedding present.

What is it?

I got sent this the other day

and they want the two of us to be in it

playing mother and son.

That's imaginative casting.

It's actually a really good script.

You should think about doing it.

I'm in a wheelchair.

You end up in a wheelchair.

Last scene is the two of us

dancing in wheelchairs.

- A lot of crying scenes.

- Really? I'm retired. You do it.

- It's a both-or-nothing deal.

- Oh.

- Will you at least read it?

- Oh, honey.

Come on, on your honeymoon.

Gotta get out of bed sometime.

- Bow-chicka-wawa.

- That is so bad. You are my son.

- Where are you guys going?

- Venice.

- That's original.

- Well, it was Harold's idea.

I didn't wanna start off

as a difficult wife.

Then don't be a difficult mother.

(PIANO INTRO)

RORY: OK, Eve and Harold's wedding song,

take one.

Bet the house, bet the f arm

Fourth time is a charm

It's amazing what a book tour can do

He's tall, debonair

And he's still got his hair

Coolest couple in "Vanity Fair"

Six weeks is all it took

Two books and the sales are strong

You know you can never go wrong

When love comes along

You never go wrong

When love comes along

You never go wrong

When love comes along

You never go wrong

When love comes along

ROSE: I think it's very adult of you

to be this civilized.

I mean, not everyone would have

their ex-husband at their wedding.

My mum would turn into the Exorcist

if Dad showed up at her wedding.

Oh, God.

Projectile green vomit.

Head 360. The whole thing.

She still really hates him.

- Dare one ask why?

- (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, well, um,

as Dorothy Parker once said,

"Hogamous, Higamous,

Man is polygamous

Higamous, Hogamous,

Woman is monogamous."

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Um, I doubt Dorothy Parker

actually said that.

Yes, it has a man's fingerprints

all over it.

Yes, it sounds

suspiciously self-serving.

RORY: You know,

if it helps explain anything, Rose,

Mom and Dad here

were like the poster couple for divorce.

Yeah, they gave each other

divorce gifts.

Really? What?

- I've forgotten.

- Me too.

Actually, one time, Mom took the three

of us out of the country for a vacation

and she didn't get Dad's permission.

Dad waited patiently until we got back

and then had Mom arrested at the airport

and put in prison for the night.

What a guy.

Character building.

And when Dad came back after having

been away working for three months,

he found that Mom

had completely redecorated the suite

and put it on the bill.

Yes, it was much more cheerful.

(SINGS ITALIAN OPERA)

Hello, there!

- Hey! Hombre!

- Ah!

My best man.

- Cmo est?

- Oh, muy bien. Usted?

Bien, bien, bien.

Hey.

Bienvenido.

- Seor.

- Cmo ests?

JIMMY: I just think we have to make

at least one attempt

to get Mom to do a prenup.

I don't know. She's done

quite well for herself so far.

Yeah, but so far

all of her husbands have had money.

Except for you.

- Of course.

- Yeah.

Come on!

So what does true love

mean to you, Mother?

True love? Um...

Well, you know, if at first

you don't succeed, try, try again.

Which is what I keep saying

about those songs, Mom.

- PRISCILLA: What songs?

- SAM: Your new ones.

What do you know, anyway?

You... You sing along with Les Mis.

Mommy is a rock goddess.

Mom... Mommy is a rock goddess.

A couple of my novels

that were turned into films

sent me to bed with a bottle of Scotch.

(EVE CHUCKLES)

Well, that's where the films I'm usually

in these days always send me.

And why I'm in graceful retirement.

Yeah, but that is such a pity, Eve.

- You played some great roles.

- Has she... She has.

Harold has seen all my work.

You've seen all of Eve's films?

- Yeah.

- LAURENCE: Seriously?

Uh... well, you know, nearly all.

And which performance

do you treasure the most?

Well, I'd have to say, um... it was

the first time I saw you on screen.

You were playing a waitress in a diner

who kept getting the orders wrong

and you nearly k*lled this poor guy

who had a nut allergy.

It was hilarious.

Available Man.

Laurence got me that part.

Yes, I also played the guy

with the nut allergy.

Though that wasn't

Eve's first leading role.

It was meant to be, anyways, supporting.

HAROLD: Well, obviously, yes.

Um, in a leading role,

I would have to say, um... uh...

Bad Girls was very moving.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Look, it doesn't have to be perfect.

Can you get a prenup here by tomorrow?

Dance party. Here we go.

Taking us down the road. Let's do it.

(DANCE MUSIC)

Step, and down.

Step.

Step, step. Clap, clap.

ETHAN: Work it, girl. Work it.

- Here we go. Here we go.

- Oh, come on. You can get this.

- Take off! These are our tarts!

- Get outta here.

OK, again.

Go. Get down.

LAURENCE: Do you really think

he's seen all your films?

EVE: Of course not. But I think

it's sweet that he pretends he has.

- And you never miss it?

- Oh, God, no.

We always did it for different reasons.

- We did?

- Yeah.

You did it, well, you still do it,

for the work,

for the challenge of the work,

for the absences the work affords.

I always thought of the family

as integral to my work

and you thought of it

as detrimental to your work.

LAURENCE: Did I?

EVE: Speaking about

mixing family and work,

Ethan has this movie

he wants me to act in with him.

Good part?

A mother in a wheelchair, apparently.

Mmm.

Do you think it could be changed

to a father in a wheelchair?

Possible Oscar bait.

"He walks away with it.

I'm supporting."

- "I'm supporting."

- "I'm supporting."

"We start out supporting

and we end up supporting."

Hi.

(IN SPANISH) Hello. Tomas,

ask her who the cute boy is.

My sister wants to know

who Harry Potter is.

Who?

That's Dylan.

He's your boyfriend?

- He's my cousin.

- Ah.

(IN SPANISH) What did she say?

(IN SPANISH) His name's Dylan.

He's not her boyfriend. He's her cousin.

(IN SPANISH) Oh, good. I'll go over.

Good?

Um, he's actually my first cousin...

He's my first cousin once removed.

- (IN SPANISH) I don't understand her.

- I think she likes Harry Potter.

But he's her cousin.

That's disgusting.

They'll have children with 15 fingers.

No, he's her second cousin,

so they'll probably have normal fingers.

But they're cousins. I'm going.

- (IN SPANISH) Hello.

- Hi.

- (IN SPANISH) How are you?

So how old are you?

DYLAN: Oh, Girl At w*r.

OK.

Do you need some help?

Sure.

But first I have to confess something.

OK.

I had my first serious snog to

Up All Night In The Diner With Julie.

Snog. That's...

That's English for "make out," right?

Yes, but with lots and lots of tongue.

Alright, well, that was a...

that was a great choice to, uh, snog to.

- It was amazing.

- I'm glad to hear it.

So, being a bit of a fan,

can I ask you three questions?

Alright. Go for it.

Why did you stop writing?

Who said I stopped?

Right. OK.

- Why did you leave your band?

- Oh, it was never really my band.

It was our band.

But, you know, you got a lead singer

with a huge personality.

It was always gonna be her band

in the end. I mean, rightly so.

And is that why you left?

No, honestly, I, uh...

You know, that whole

rock 'n' roll lifestyle thing,

it just... wasn't that important.

Not fame or money?

No, it's not everything.

I mean, I figured that out pretty early.

OK, uh, I have two questions.

- Oh. Really?

- Yes, I do.

What is an Orange Prize?

- Oh, my God, you googled me.

- No, please.

No, Eve told me

one of Harold's daughters was a novelist

and it's obviously not Rose.

She said that an Orange Prize

had been won.

An Orange Prize is an award

they give to first-time female authors,

and I didn't win, I was shortlisted.

Congratulations.

- Was it autobiographical?

- Why do you ask that?

Oh, come on.

It's about an older sister who's kind of

attractive in a bookish kind of way

who lives with her hipster,

skirt-chasing dad

and wild-child younger sister

and they all live on red wine and pizza?

- You read it.

- Sure.

Gotta check up on my new stepfamily.

Some of it was me, yeah,

but most of it wasn't.

- I can't actually cook a chicken Kiev.

- Not a problem.

- But I do like books.

- Obviously.

Do you know,

I would prefer if you referred to me

as kind of sexy in a librarian way

rather than bookish.

- You would prefer that?

- Yes.

Well, you need glasses

for sexy librarian.

Soul patch.

EVE: "Such duty

as the subject owes the prince,

Even such a woman

oweth to her husband.

And if she is froward,

peevish, sullen, sour,

and not obedient to his honest will,

What is she

but a foul contending rebel

And graceless traitor

to her loving lord?"

I'm not just a f*ck' movie star.

PRISCILLA:It's Priscilla for Guy.

No, I don't wanna hold.

I don't wanna hold. I don't wanna hold.

Yeah. I wanna write a book.

About me.

You've never seen any of my films?

I don't think so.

Do you go to the theater?

- What?

- Not if we can help it.

Wait, hang on.

Were you in the last SpongeBob film?

I was indeed.

- Oh, my God. I love SpongeBob.

- Oh, yeah?

You used to be quite good-looking.

You've put on some weight, though.

- Come on, Saffie. Let's get a drinkie.

- Actually, I've lost weight.

- What'd I miss?

- My whole career, apparently.

- That's it. I'm moving out.

- What?

You're k*lling me with the second-hand

smoke and you don't even care.

I do care. But you're not dead yet.

Go over there and have the fresh air.

Go on.

Fifty bucks says Dad

brings up his Tony at dinner.

No way.

Fifty it's before the main course.

A hundred it's before the salad

and he got it for Pirandello's Henry IV.

- That's bold.

- Watch and learn.

- I'll take dessert.

- Alright, man.

So wait, wait, wait.

You guys met in a jailhouse for women?

It's actually a really good way

to meet people.

Here we go, here we go.

I, for one, would like to commend Eve

on her optimism and her perseverance

and, of course, her courage...

HAROLD: Ha-ha!

...in taking this plunge yet again.

- ETHAN: Brave girl.

- LAURENCE: I must say, I was surprised.

In fact, I would have wagered

my Tony Award for my performance

- in Pirandello's Henry IV...

- ETHAN: b*stard.

...against the idea that you would ever

tread down this path again, my darling.

But having met Harold, I think I get it.

To Eve and Harold.

ALL: To Eve and Harold.

- Harold.

- Here you go.

PRISCILLA: So, lovebirds, hey.

I... I know it's customary

to give the gifts after the wedding,

but I really wanna give you my gift now.

- Right now.

- EVE: Sure.

- HAROLD: Love it.

- JIMMY: Cheers.

Hey, little sister,

what have you done?

Hey, little sister,

who's the only one?

Hey, little sister,

who's your superman?

Little sister, who's the one you want?

Little sister, shotgun

It's a nice day for a Wilde wedding

(VOCALIZES)

Hey, little sister,

who's it you're with?

Hey, little sister,

what's your vice or wish?

Hey, little sister, shotgun, oh, yeah

Little sister, who's your superman?

Little sister, shotgun

It's a nice day to start again

- It's a nice day for a Wilde wedding

- Wow.

It's a nice day to start again

(VOCALIZES)

That's your daughter.

What have you done?

Hey, little sister,

who's the only one?

I've been away for so long

I let you go f or so, so long, now

Hey, little sister, shotgun

- It's a nice day to start again

- Care to dance?

Oh, it's a nice day

for a Wilde wedding

- f*ck off.

- It's a nice day to start again

Hello. This is James Darling.

I called yesterday trying to track down

the young lady who drove the Montauk

bus that did not arrive at 11:45,

and you asked me

why I wanted to contact her,

and, well, the reason is when I saw her,

in her not-very-flattering

jitney uniform, by the way,

when I saw her, the little voice

in my head said, "This is the one."

Ah, f*ck!

- Easy, man. I'm not a horse.

- What happened?

- Gentle.

- Jimmy?

Jimmy?

Oh. I... I f*cking tripped over

the "Beware of Slope" sign.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, my God, that is too funny.

- Alright, Mom.

It's just a grade-one ankle sprain.

There's no sign

of anterior talofibular disruption.

Really, that's

your professional diagnosis?

LAURENCE: It is indeed, James.

One of the great things

about acting on the stage

is that one gets to inhabit a role,

and you might be aware that I have

rather famously played a doctor.

Doctor Dolittle?

And your point is?

You bandaged the leg

of an animatronic giraffe,

singing "If I Could Talk

to the Animals"?

And I was complimented

on my technique by numerous physicians.

Bravo.

Actually, I would like

to compliment you, Laurence,

on your very gracious toast.

I meant every word I said.

You are amazingly courageous,

amazingly tenacious

and amazingly naive.

Said the old cynic.

Come on, Laurence,

what are you still holding out for?

I'm not holding out.

I like my birdcage empty, thank you.

Anyway, why would I want

a new wife and new family

when I already have the best ex-wife

and raised the most perfect family

any man could want?

Oh, my God, Dad, you have lived

in a hotel suite for the last 30 years.

With one f*cking bedroom.

When we wanted to see you,

we had to check in.

(CHUCKLES)

I think marriage

is challenging, formidable

and to be taken very seriously,

like a great heroic adventure.

Captain Scott heading o ff

into the Antarctic.

Does that make me the South Pole?

Where I would be very happy

to plant my flag.

(LAUGHS)

(GIGGLING)

- (VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)

- Yeah!

(SAM LAUGHS)

SAM: Look at this one.

See ya.

You did remember the birdcage.

How could I forget the best piece

of advice an ex-wife ever gave to a man?

"You can't lock me up."

Lock you up?

- Yes.

- Oh, God.

After all these years,

and you had no clue.

- It's not about you.

- It's not? But I hate that.

No, no, the birdcage

was so you could keep

the next Mrs. Darling from flying away.

Like the first one did.

Oh.

- It was?

- Yes.

No, wait, I thought it was because,

you know, you can fly in,

but then if you wanted to fly out, you

know, to meet up with other roosters...

Oh!

Hello, my lady. Where's Saffron?

Gone inside.

Homemade chocolates?

They're super delicious

and a lot of fun.

What sort of fun?

Let's just say

they're in the 'shroom family.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Wanna go for a moonlight ride?

Vroom, vroom!

- Mm-hm.

- Hm?

I'll go change.

Do you know what's great about us?

We've been through all the bad times.

One of the benefits

of being apart so long

is that somebody else

had to take the knockout punches.

And on that note,

think I'll have another drink. Anyone?

No, I won't.

I'm getting married in the morning.

I should think about going to bed.

The night is young.

(PLAYS PIANO INTRO)

PRISCILLA: Eve and Laurence have

started in on the merits of marriage.

It's funny how they didn't have

that conversation 30 years ago.

PRISCILLA: Isn't it?

(PLAYS PIANO INTRO)

(PRISCILLA PLAYS HIGHER NOTES)

- I think that's enough of that.

- Alright.

f*ck.

f*ck, f*ck.

(CHUCKLES)

EVE: Have you ever thought

what might have happened

if you'd never gotten me that part?

Yeah, I might have been mentioned

in one of the reviews.

I meant what might

have happened with us.

I don't know.

Would it have been different? Probably.

Would it have been better?

I don't know. Better than this?

What if Harold feels

there's no room for an ex-husband?

There's always room.

Ah, but maybe no more room for this.

May I tempt you?

I have a wedding dress to fit into.

You're going to be

the most beautiful bride.

Hmm.

Psst. Hey.

You wanna bake a cake?

- OK.

- Fantastic. Let's go.

Come on.

ETHAN: Whoo!

(ROSE SCREAMS)

- You feel anything?

- Yeah. I feel f*cking amazing!

Alright, I will chop the mint,

you pick the tune.

Music is important.

So what are we actually doing here,

Gordon Ramsay?

Are you familiar

with the chiffonade cut?

No. What is it?

( "CHAMBERMAID SWING" BY PAROV STELAR)

Nice. Austrian Swing.

Is that a lucky guess

or an excellent choice?

- No, it's not a lucky guess.

- Really?

Yeah, I spent two nights

in a soggy tent in Glastonbury

just so I could shake my bum

to these gentlemen.

It's having the same effect

on my a*s too, right. Come here.

OK, the chiffonade cut,

you need a knife with a long, thin blade

and a handle

that you can hold like a sword.

Right.

You know, I read that list of things

that psychopaths are good at,

and cooking

is right up there at the top.

I'm almost afraid

to ask how good you are.

Guy who taught me's

got two Michelin stars. Let's go.

Oh, my God.

You're Hannibal bloody Lecter.

PRISCILLA: Oh, hi.

Um...

I was just on my way up to bed.

OK.

Yeah. Um...

If you see Sam, will you send him up?

OK.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(LAUGHS)

- Good night.

- Good night.

- Good night.

- Night.

You know, I'm feeling

a little bushed myself.

I think it's the jet lag.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Sleep well.

This is the best wine I've ever had.

Normally it's an OK little winery,

but 2009 knocked it out of the park.

And it goes deliciously

with these chocolates.

Oh, thank you.

Mmm.

- You're making me dizzy.

- (LAUGHS)

(DISTANT HOWLING)

- (HOWLS)

- Shh! Shh!

- Be quiet.

- Shh!

- My dad...

- You be quiet. "My dad."

Harold!

( "HOOKED ON YOU" BY PAROV STELAR)

I suffocate

if I can't inhale your love, girl

So addicted to you

I get no rush without you

I suffocate

if I can't inhale your love, girl

So addicted to you

So addicted to you

So addicted to you

To you

I wasn't a very good husband.

Or father either, for that matter.

Just couldn't say no

to the work,

to the women,

to life's pleasures.

And marriage puts a stop

to all that, doesn't it?

It does tend to, yes.

"The cradle rocks above an abyss,

and common sense tells us

that our existence

is but a brief crack of light

between two eternities of darkness."

Vladimir Nabokov.

Our time in the light is nearly done.

I sometimes wonder if we should

really be saying no to anything

before we face the long night.

So I'm making a collection

of face masks.

(CHUCKLES)

What do you think?

You've done this professionally, right?

Well, I don't know.

Like, I've never actually

been paid for it,

so I don't think you could say

that I'm a professional.

But, um, I've done it, like, 50 times

and I've only lost two people.

- Lost?

- Yeah.

Wait a minute.

The breathing part is a bit tricky.

(CHUCKLES)

OK.

Stop. Stop.

You're ticklish.

Sorry, kid.

What are you made of, rocks?

Alright, I can do this.

OK. OK. OK.

Did you lose something?

Yeah, yeah, actually.

Um... Uh...

The engagement ring

that you never gave back.

Oh.

- Well, it's not down there.

- Really?

No. Wanna check the other side?

OK, OK, wait, wait, wait.

Mackenzie can

never, ever, ever know about this.

- Oh, God. Or Sam.

- Of course, of course.

And Eve.

- Don't tell your mother, right?

- Oh, God, no. God, no. No, not...

And you know, Laurence,

you know I love your father, I do.

No. God, he's the most f*cking

indiscreet person I know.

- OK.

- Ooh!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

OK, I'm here. Here we go.

Just carry on.

(OPERA)

(LAUGHS)

LAURENCE: What?

I don't know who's worse;

you for putting this on,

or you for watching this.

It's hardly a comedy.

(JIMMY LAUGHS)

(GLASS SMASHES)

- My love.

- Yes?

- My love.

- Harold, are you drunk?

I just had the most smashing

bottle of wine

with your smashing ex-husband,

who I think is smashing, by the way.

Ah. Well, I'm glad that's going so well.

It is, but what's not going well,

my dearest, is us.

- Oh, yes?

- Yeah. I'm... I'm pining for you.

How can you leave me

to languish on this moonlit night

alone in my bed and you alone in yours?

Alright, Mr. Shakespeare, off you go.

It's bad luck to sleep together

the night before.

- But I...

- I'll bend the rules so far.

That's... That's your lot.

(HOUSE MUSIC)

I feel a lot of love about the things...

Love is in the air.

JIMMY: In the air

In the air, love

In the air

LAURENCE: The last one's up.

Laurence, my sofa!

It's just a teensy, weensy

bit of spillage.

I'm gonna get another bottle.

PRISCILLA: On the scale of bad ideas,

where do you think this... this one is?

Uh, I would say

it's, uh, somewhere between

when I kissed George Michael

thinking it was you...

(LAUGHS)

...and you remember that time

I surprised you on tour?

- Oh, yeah, that was bad.

- That was terrible.

- Listen, I...

- Yeah, I...

- SAM: Mom!

- f*ck.

Hey, will you turn the light out?

Why?

- Mom!

- OK, I'm... I'm gonna borrow this. OK?

RORY: Huh?

- SAM: What are you doing?

- PRISCILLA: Just borrowing a book.

- Why are you up?

- SAM: I had a nightmare.

You were singing one of your new songs.

PINK: Yeah, it's pretty sick

having your own blog.

Like, you can just post

whatever you want.

My mom or whoever can't come on

and be, like, "You can't post that."

(PHONE BEEPS)

Oh, my God.

I do not f*ck' believe that.

- That is my phone.

- Who's "the boss"?

- That's my phone. Give that to me.

- It's the size of a f*cking log.

Saffie, that spanking

could do some serious damage.

Get the f*ck off of me!

And don't you dare call me Saffie,

you nosy b*tch.

What?

- You see it? That star over there?

- What is that? Is that the Bear?

I don't know. Is it? I'm asking you.

PINK: Now who's the boss, Saffie? sl*t!

(WOMAN GASPS)

(HAROLD GRUNTS)

(SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)

(SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)

God!

HAROLD: Yes!

f*ck. f*ck. Yes!

(YELLING CONTINUES)

(YELLING CONTINUES IN THE DISTANCE)

f*ck.

f*ck.

(SNORING)

f*ck. f*ck!

(YELLS) f*ck!

(YELLS)

(GROANS)

(HORN BEEPS)

(SCRUBBING)

Oh, my God.

The sofa looks like

Gorbachev's forehead.

Oh, God.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)

(SIGHS)

I'm not gonna marry Harold.

What? Why?

EVE: I've been up all night,

pacing around.

What was I thinking,

getting married again?

I have my family,

the people that mean the most to me.

And you know what I realized?

There is only so much room

in the old attic.

OK, sorry. You... You lost me.

New people. All that baggage

has to go somewhere.

To make room,

I'd have to start rearranging

everything that's already up here.

New or different

doesn't necessarily mean better.

What am I gonna do?

Well, we've been here before,

having similar conversations,

normally after the marriage

has taken place.

So, in a way, I suppose we could say

we're making progress.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in.

It's disgusting. It's disgusting!

It's despicable!

- It's embarrassing!

- What? What?

How many other of my friends

have you shagged?

Tell me, Dad. How many are there?

Just tell me.

- What do you take me for?

- What do you mean? A f*cking pervert.

- Where is that stupid f*cking b*tch?

- Rose. Rose. Darling!

ROSE: Where are you?

You f*cking sl*t!

I'm gonna knock your head off!

f*cking my dad?

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

- (BANGS ON DOOR)

- (SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)

SAM: Wow. This got more hits

than the piano-playing kitty.

PINK: What do we have here?

Looks like Harold,

no, "the boss," and Saf f ie.

If I ever see her again,

I'm gonna k*ll her.

Oh, my God.

Although it is lucky that she happened

to be outside with her phone.

ROSE: Pink's a blogger, Dad.

Course she had her phone.

PINK: Oh, my God. I can't believe

I'm getting this on camera right now.

Oh, yeah."The boss" is Harold.

Nice. That's awesome, Sam.

Good job, Sammy.

(SIGHS)

You knew, didn't you?

I wanted to come to see you,

but I was wondering if maybe by now,

you had developed

a spirit of wry realism

with regards to "happily ever after."

Wry realism?

Yes, well, maybe you were finally ready

to live with bumpily ever after.

Bumpily ever after?

- You think I'm making a mistake?

- With Harold? No.

Harold's fine.

I personally have nothing against him.

But you deserve way, way better.

You deserve to be loved

because you've always been there

to give love.

You deserve to be honored

because you carried this family

single-handedly on your shoulders.

And now it's your turn to take a ride.

My love, you spent the entire night

pacing back and forth in your jammies

and you still look so damn cute,

and that deserves to be cherished.

And maybe it was no... accident

that Harold messed up last night.

Oh, Dad.

You've embarrassed us.

What you did,

it was just creepy in so many ways.

- You watched her grow up.

- I know.

She was Rose's best friend,

for God's sake.

I know. I never meant... It was...

I want... I just...

I packed up all my books.

I really wanted this to work.

(SIGHS) Such a... idiot.

Yeah, you are.

I thought it was romantic.

I thought you'd finally found someone

to spend the rest of your life with.

That you weren't gonna be alone.

I wasn't gonna have to worry about you

living on cold pizza anymore.

Oh, darling,

that was not our relationship.

I thought you'd changed.

I'm so, so sorry.

- Come on...

- What am I gonna do?

Well, first of all, I'm not the one

you should be apologizing to.

And then we'll all go back to London

and to the shame of you

having been caught having sex

with a woman

nearly 40 years your junior.

And then you'll have to move to Italy

where they don't have a problem

with that sort of thing.

( "WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE?"

BY LEO REISMAN)

What is this thing called love?

This funny thing called love

Just who can solve its mystery?

Why should it make a f ool o f me?

I saw you there one wonder f ul day

You took my heart and threw it away

That's why I ask the Lord

In heaven above

What is this thing called love?

(DOOR OPENS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

I gather you've heard.

- I've gone and ballsed this up.

- My cue to exit.

HAROLD: No.

You may as well stay.

Eve, I really wanted to be that man.

The best man, you know, for you.

You were so utterly f*cking fabulous

and gorgeous and smart and charming,

and I thought I could change.

But it's just not me.

I'm so sorry that I have caused you

this humiliation.

I just wish I could have it all

directed at me.

Harold.

You might want to think

about growing up.

Chasing 25-year-olds at your age,

it looks very sad.

I look like a swine.

Way more sad than that.

I am so f*cked.

LAURENCE: Harold, before you start

flagellating yourself like a monk,

may I say something?

Eve is a fabulous woman,

she's a major catch,

and I'd say that sadly, from experience,

you're the one who lost out here.

And if it makes you feel any better,

the reason I'm here in her bedroom

is because she wanted to tell me

that she wasn't going through

with the marriage,

and this was before

you broke the internet

with your Legends of the AARP vine.

Hey.

I'm so sorry.

RORY: You know what?

When it comes to apologizing

for parents who behave badly,

we are a family of world champs.

- Thank you.

- Sure.

I did not expect this weekend

to pan out like this.

No.

How is everybody?

Rose and Saffron aren't speaking.

I don't think they ever will again.

That bad, huh?

Well, not until they both coincidentally

have teenage children

in rehab in Minnesota.

How about you?

I think I'm done trying to worry

everyone into making the right decision.

They always make the same stupid

decision they were going to anyway.

I think it's my turn

to make a stupid decision, actually.

- I'm sorry. That was really stupid.

- No, no, no, no.

I can be way more stupid than that.

So how did you see this weekend

panning out?

- Well, kind of like this.

- (CHUCKLES)

And what gave you that impression?

How we chop mint.

We've got the same taste in music.

That is important.

Yes, it is.

And you got a whole lot of new material

for your next novel.

Yeah, masses.

You know what I think?

I think you should stay in New York

and do a little research

on some of the American characters.

Well, I can think of one.

OK.

But I'm a little worried

that he wants to eat me

with some fava beans and nice chianti.

RORY: Look, I think

I ought to tell you something.

You don't have to say goodbye.

Just jump in the car.

HAROLD: It's great to see you.

- Thank you so much.

- Bye.

Bye. Bye.

I have a lot of answering to do,

to all of you, and I will.

But for now I want you to know

that I'm so sorry

for having let you all down.

But I promise you,

we will get over this

and we will move forward, together.

Yeah, right, Dad.

- I'm stopping off in New York.

- What?

Probably gonna stay for a few months.

- You two are on your own.

- No, Clemmie.

You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

Mom, if you sleep with your friend,

does it ruin the friendship?

- Oh. Well, it never did for me.

- Really?

Yeah, but I can count my real friends

on one hand.

I mean, actually,

I don't even need one hand.

You know, the important part is not

working on staying friends afterwards.

That's what ruins it.

But you don't have to worry about that.

You're gonna have kids with 15 fingers.

- Way bigger things to worry about.

- Oh, my God.

- Giant gloves.

- That's not...

- Maybe mittens. That's better, right?

- That's not even funny.

Alright.

- I'm a good mommy.

- Yeah.

- I gotta go.

- Why?

I gotta go call Sam's dad.

OK.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna have to say something.

I'll do it.

Hello, everyone.

I have an announcement to make.

After much deliberation and mature

reflection by the parties in question,

it has been mutually decided

that the advertised wedding

will not be going forward.

Now, I know that's a disappointment

to everyone, but look at it this way.

(BRITISH ACCENT) At least we won't

have to have pasta after the ballet.

Too soon. Very well.

Uh, boys.

Boys, if you would,

a clever and imaginative toast, please?

To calling it off?

Well done.

To Eve and Harold for calling it off.

- Cheers.

- To Eve and Harold for calling it off.

However, Judge McCaffery is here.

Everything is set up.

Why not take advantage?

So would anyone

like to get married today?

Anybody at all? It's all on us.

Actually, it's on Eve,

because I'm incredibly cheap.

Anybody?

No, OK. Well, I have a suggestion.

Eve?

Eve, show yourself.

(APPLAUSE)

My dear, before another marriage

ends in divorce or death,

why don't we just cut to the chase

and tie the knot?

(GASPING)

What?

I mean, if there is somebody else

you'd like to marry first,

before you remarry me, that's fine.

- Boys, what do you think?

- You're on your own here, Dad.

- I definitely wanna hear this.

- Mom, it's Dad, so a prenup is a must.

Thanks, kids. You're out of the will.

(CHUCKLING)

Eve, I've done some stupid things

in my life.

But that was actually

the younger, dumber me.

I remember him well.

LAURENCE: I constantly hear people say

they're looking for the person

they wanna grow old with.

But we're here, now,

living it right now.

I wanna grow old with you.

I wanna spend

the rest of my life with you.

Will you be my wife?

Will you marry me?

Again?

Yes.

Come on down here.

I do.

Then I pronounce you man and wife.

All in all, I would have to say

it was one of Eve's

more entertaining family get-togethers.

Laughter, tears, love and sex.

Who could quibble?

Do you know where your grandmother is?

Sorry. One second. I'll be right back.

I just wanted to show her something.

And could you cut the "grandmother" bit?

Otherwise it's...

Actors.

(PIANO INTRO)

PRISCILLA:

I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste

A flannel for my face

Pajamas, a hairbrush

New shoes and a case

I said to my reflection

Let's get out of this place

Past the church and the steeple

The laundry on the hill

The billboards and the buildings

Memories of it still

Keep calling and calling

But forget it all

I know I will

Tempted by the fruit of another

Tempted but the truth is discovered

What's been going on

Now that you have gone

There's no other

Tempted by the fruit of another

Tempted but the truth is discovered...

MACKENZIE: Look at them,

standing around the piano like

they're singing "The Circle of Life"

when they're actually

singing a song about cheating.

See? I told you.

When it comes to my family,

love is just one big mystery.

Now that you have gone

There's no other

Tempted by the fruit of another

SQUEEZE:

Tempted but the truth is discovered

Well, I was tempted

by the fruit of another

Tempted but the truth is discovered

Tempted by the fruit of another

Tempted but the truth is discovered

Tempted by the fruit of another

Tempted but the truth is discovered

Now what's been going on

Wait for it.

Wait.

Going.

Going.

Gone.

Almost dark.

There.

We, we are the ones who love you

We are the ones who hurt you

We are the ones who heal you

I, I wanna see into the shadows

I can take a bit of madness

It's lucky 'cause we've seen a lot

I never said that this was organized

And I never said that we'd be fine

But I know I loved you

throughout all these years

And with you this chaos seems divine

So let's hear it for the mothers

Sisters, dads and brothers

We're all in the same old mess

I, I don't wanna see into the future

'Cause I'm OK if I can reach you

And I'll take that above all else

I never said that this was organized

I never said that we'd be fine

But I know I loved you

throughout all these years

And with you this chaos seems divine

I never said that this was organized

I never said that we'd be fine

But I know I loved you

throughout all these years

And with you this chaos seems divine

I never said that this was organized

And I never said that we'd be fine

But I know I loved you

throughout all these years

And with you this chaos seems divine