Love Wedding Repeat (2020)

[bunniefuu]

[romantic instrumental music playing]

[The Oracle] A wise person

once said about love,

"We live in a universe

that's ruled by chaos and chance,

where all it takes is just one moment

of ill fortune

for all our hopes and dreams

to go right down the shitter."

You can do it. You can do it.

You can-- Just kiss her.

Just...

She likes you, all right?

Yeah, I think-- I think-- Yeah, she does.

No, she doesn't. She does. She does.

You've spent the whole weekend

putting off this moment,

and now you're actually out of time.

Literally, out of time.

Right, this is it, this is it.

This is your moment. This is...

-[knocking]

-[man, in Italian] How long does it take?

One second!

[exhales] Okay.

Yeah.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-Everything okay?

-Yeah, just a bit of tummy trouble.

-I was worried you might miss your flight.

-No, I've got a few minutes.

Can you believe how lucky your sister got?

She gets sent off to Rome for work,

and I get sent off to w*r-torn hellholes.

Well, I suppose if you're gonna be

a w*r journalist,

that might, more or less,

be what you'd expect.

Okay, smartass.

[chuckles]

This has, uh...

This has been a pretty special weekend.

Yeah.

I have to admit that when Hayley

told me her older brother

was coming to visit the same weekend

that I was coming, I was pretty bummed,

but it turns out you're not as irritating

as I thought you'd be.

Wow.

Uh, I think that's the nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

Well, that's the nicest thing

I've ever said to anyone, so...

-Well, then I'm doubly honored. Thank you.

-[laughs] You're welcome.

[both laugh]

But, seriously, thanks for...

an amazing time.

I don't think I've met anyone

quite like you.

You're just a charmer, huh?

No, I promise you I'm not.

I'm a terrible, terrible charmer.

[chuckles]

Uh, I'm just being honest.

[chuckles softly]

[gentle romantic music playing]

Ah, um... [chuckles]

So...

So, so... [chuckles]

-[music stops]

-[man] Jack? Mate!

[laughs] What are the chances?

What are you doing here?

Uh...

-Greg!

-[Jack] Yeah, no, Greg!

[stammers] Yeah, I remember.

Sorry.

-Hi. Dina.

-Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

-We used to share a dorm at university.

-Oh. [chuckles]

We used to call him Mr. Wank.

Because he used to wank a lot.

-I don't think that was me.

-No, that was definitely you!

Anyway...

I've actually got to get back to London.

-I'm going to the airport.

-No way. Me too.

-Shut up.

-I'm literally going right now.

-Yeah, I've got a car. I could drive us.

-Really?

[Greg] Yeah.

[Jack] It's not a problem.

Oh, so you're gonna go now?

Yeah.

I guess I am...

going now.

Um...

Oh, okay.

Can I-- I just have to say goodbye...

Um, you know, uh...

Don't know when

we'll see each other again, so...

Sure, yeah. Go ahead.

Uh...

So, thank you...

again for an amazing...

-weekend.

-Yeah, it was--

-Oh, sorry. I thought--

-Oh, okay. Uh...

Yeah.

-Nice to meet you.

-Oh, nice to meet you, too.

This is happening.

-Come on, Wank.

-Yup.

-Mate, can you believe what luck this is?

-No, no, I actually can't.

[The Oracle] And so,

with the coincidental appearance

of just one twat from the past,

chance comes along and gives love

a massive kick in the b*ll s*ck.

As the wise person would say,

"Chance can be a real b*stard."

["La nostra favola" playing]

[church bells tolling]

[romantic instrumental music playing]

[woman, in Italian] Done.

Be careful.

[woman, in Italian] It's okay for me.

That's fine.

-You're beautiful.

-[woman 2, in Italian] She's perfect.

Are you excited?

[laughs]

-[woman 2] It's okay? Here we are.

-[man, in Italian] She's perfect.

-[Haley, in Italian] Thank you.

-You're welcome.

[in Italian] Congratulations!

Bye.

[door closes]

[exhales nervously]

It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine.

Absolutely fine!

-Good morning.

-[woman] Good morning.

[knocking]

Hayles?

Hayley?

[Hayley] Yeah, just a second.

You okay?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

-What's going on?

Getting married is stressful, isn't it?

The only reason I slept at all

is because I'm taking these...

these sleep drops that are literally

strong enough to knock out a horse.

Oh, my God. Do I look okay?

You look stunning.

[sighs] Life's random, isn't it?

I mean, one minute I'm exchanging

obscenities with a stranger in a car park,

and the next, we're six months on,

totally in love and getting married.

[growls playfully]

I wish Mum and Dad were here.

I know.

Yeah.

-[clears throat]

-It's all right.

-[knock at door]

-Yeah.

[man] Is there a bride

in the f*ck' house?!

Oh, my God, Hayley-cakes!

You look absolutely amazing.

Thanks, Bryan. Everything okay?

You know your role? You're all right?

-Yeah. I'm great.

-Yeah?

Um, couple of questions, though.

Can we stop calling it "maid of honor"

and call it "man of honor" instead?

No. Second question?

Only because I'm a man, obviously, but...

Secondly,

am I sitting next to Vitelli?

-No.

-Okay.

Uh...

Uh, why not?

I mean, you know,

he's casting for a new film right now.

Do you have any idea what

that could do for my career?

-Give you one?

-Exactly.

I had to put all the English people

on the same table, but don't worry.

-I will introduce you. I promise.

-All right. Sorry.

It's your day anyway. As long

as I'm not sitting next to Rebecca.

'Cause I can't handle her

holding onto me all night, 'cause she'll--

-Sorry. I'll shut up.

-Yeah, good.

Um... [laughs]

I think I'm ready.

[Bryan] Oh, my God!

[imitates a trumpet fanfare]

This is happening!

My sister's getting married!

[Bryan] Yes, she is!

I'm gonna see you there.

Just got to have a quick haircut.

What, now?

You'll be late for the ceremony.

Yeah, Bryan?

Wow! How long have we known each other?

And you still have absolutely

no faith in me, do you?

-No.

-None whatsoever.

I'm meeting Federico Vitelli.

I can't do it with sh*t hair.

It's fine. Just go. Don't be late, okay?

It's my wedding day!

-[Jack] Please don't be late, Bryan.

-It's my wedding day, Bryan.

-He's gonna be late.

-Let's go.

-Uh, Hayley, just... small thing.

-Yeah?

This English table.

Amanda's not on that, right?

Ah.

-She is. Okay.

-Listen.

I'm really sorry. I had no choice.

Is that cool?

Is it cool to be sat next to my nightmare

of an ex-girlfriend for a whole day?

Look, no, it's-- it's fine.

It's gonna be fine, okay?

[door opens]

[Italian pop music playing]

I'll tell you what,

I'm not having us having

a foreign wedding.

Well, I haven't said yes to us

getting married yet.

Yes, I'm well aware of that, believe me.

My friends think it's mental

you haven't jumped at the chance.

To spend the rest of your life

with someone is a big deal.

It's not a decision I'm just

gonna jump into.

I asked you six months ago.

Ugh, here we go.

Amanda!

That's...

Here you go, mate.

You know, I actually thought "penne"

was the Italian for "p*nis,"

because of their kind of small,

like, tube-like...

But it's actually just "penne"

is just the Italian for "penne."

Did you just buy that to piss me off?

No, I wore it 'cause it looks cool.

You look like a f*cking magician.

How the--

It cost me three grand.

Oh, my God! Amanda, hi!

-Oh, wow! You look gorgeous.

-Thank you, love.

Have they booked a cabaret act?

-No. I'm Amanda's boyfriend.

-And you're in the cabaret!

-That's amazing!

-No.

I didn't know you had a new boyfriend.

That's good.

I'm so glad you've moved on

from that last guy you were seeing.

What was his name? Chaz?

Last time I saw her she was like,

"I'm seeing this dickhead."

No, I'm Chaz.

-What?

-I'm Chaz, so...

Oh, my God.

Have you gone out

with two Chazes in a row?

That is such a unique name.

That's nuts.

Sidney? Sidney, is that you? Sidney!

Oh, my God, I didn't know--

I'm coming. Excuse me.

Chaz, darling, this is Sidney.

-Hello, Amanda, how are you?

-Our old flatmate.

Who, for some reason, is wearing a kilt,

even though he isn't remotely Scottish.

Yes, I've gone there.

Already regretting it slightly.

It's quite a heavy plaid,

and it's already starting to, um...

chafe a little bit in the old groinal...

area.

The testicles. Hm.

-Shall we go in?

-Yeah.

Yes, let's go in. Let's go in.

How long have you been

in the cabaret business?

I'm not. I'm a music producer.

-Who the hell's this other Chaz guy?

-Don't worry about it.

My ba*ls. My dear, old ba*ls.

I think they'll be fine.

It's just sort of working out a way

of managing them.

[romantic instrumental music playing]

All right, you ready?

Yeah. [laughs]

Yeah, I think so.

Come on.

Wait, Jack, um...

-Look, I--

-What's up?

You know that I would've...

I would've given anything for Dad

to be here today.

But having you walk me

down the aisle is...

-Oh...

-...is the next best thing

that I could ask for, so...

[Hayley clicks her tongue]

Also, can you look after

my bag of pills, please?

Thanks.

Sure.

Let's get you hitched.

Getting hitched!

-Aah!

-[laughs]

-Come on.

-Okay.

[kids laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

["Canon in D" by Pachelbel playing]

[laughter]

-[Hayley] Where the f*ck is Bryan?

-[Jack] He'll be here.

[Hayley] Why is he getting

a f*cking haircut now?

What's wrong with him?

Oh, God! Why did I decide to do this?

Because you love him.

[Jack] All right?

[Hayley chuckles]

Yeah.

Okay. Let's do this.

Oh, no. I nearly forgot to tell you.

You remember Dina,

my American friend that you met in Rome?

-Yeah.

-She's here.

Uh... [stammers]

-What?

-Yeah.

Sorry, wait, wait, wait...

You said she definitely couldn't come,

and besides that, she had

a boyfriend anyway, right?

Yeah, well, it turns out she can come,

and she's broken up with her boyfriend.

-Yeah. Come on, let's go.

-W-Wait.

Okay.

Okay.

[exhales sharply]

[Hayley laughs]

-[Jack] Mm-hmm?

-[Hayley] Yeah.

[Hayley] Oh, my God.

[priest, in Italian] Welcome to all.

[in English] We are gathered here today

to bring together

Roberto and Hayley.

Ladies and gentlemen...

[Bryan panting loudly]

Sorry. Told you I'd make it.

[clears throat]

Andrea, this is my brother, Jack.

And this is my maid of honor, Bryan.

Ciao, ciao.

[Hayley] This is Sophia, Roberto's mother.

[Jack] Hello.

Hi.

Hello. Um...

Okay!

Nice to meet you all.

[Hayley laughs]

-He just kissed me full on the mouth.

-Me too.

I think I got some tongue, actually.

Oh, you're not in the cabaret.

I love your suit, though.

-Good, innit? Thank you.

-Yeah.

My six-year-old nephew

has one just exactly like that.

-Six-year-old nephew.

-Sounds like a pretty cool kid.

Yeah, except his trousers

are attached to the top half,

and he's just got this little flap

to let his little [blows raspberry] out.

-No, this has got the classic zip.

-[zips fly]

Look, I suppose I should go mingle

with my new relatives.

Go, go, go.

-Don't get emotional.

-No, I won't, I won't, I won't.

Oh, man.

-She looks so happy.

-Yeah.

Did you even get your hair cut?

-It looks exactly the same.

-No, it doesn't.

-It does.

-It's rounder.

-Mate--

-It's rounder, Jack.

[sighs deeply]

Hot.

-Yeah, it's really hot today.

-Very hot.

It's pretty, though.

Oh, what a dress!

-Thank you very much.

-Beautiful.

Appreciate that. You as well.

I mean, it's not-- It's not a dress.

This is a kilt.

[chuckles] Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Traditional Scottish... dress.

-Right. I knew that.

-Yes.

I'm not Scottish.

-You're not?

-No.

Then why are you wearing a kilt?

[exhales] The old Italian sun.

Huh.

Lichen. [clears throat]

Um... Oh.

Deary me.

I don't think you--

I don't think you should...

So, where's your other half?

Oh, no other half.

Just, you know, half a person today.

-I'm half a person.

-You are?

Oh, well...

-Deal?

-Deal.

-Wedding buddies.

-Oh.

Is that-- That was the deal we made?

-We shook on it.

-We shook.

What do wedding buddies do?

We hang out a little bit.

[Sidney clears throat, grunts]

-Would you like a drink?

-I'm good--

They're free.

-Two champagnes?

-Yeah.

-It is, uh, free, but--

-I'll be right back.

-No, I'm okay.

-You don't go anywhere.

[sighs]

-[Bryan] God, there he is.

-[Jack] Who?

Vitelli.

-Oh, wow.

-Yeah. He makes movie stars, Jack.

Movie stars.

I've got one chance to impress him.

Maybe you can do it

with your speech later on.

Yeah.

What speech?

Your maid of honor speech.

No one told me I've got

a maid of honor speech.

-Yeah, it's in the program.

-No, I don't think I do.

Oh, no!

-I've got nothing prepared!

-[Jack] It's gonna be fine.

-It's not gonna be fine.

-Just riff one out, man!

-sh*t, there's Rebecca.

-Just vibe it.

Don't leave me alone with her, please.

She clings on.

-I can't shake her.

-Oi, boys!

-Yoo! Hiya!

-Wahey! Here we are!

[imitates car horn] You know what that is!

That's the fun car,

ready to pick you all up.

[Bryan] Thank you.

[imitates train engine]

Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!

-[chuckles] The fun train. Get aboard.

-[Jack] h*!

-There it is.

-[Rebecca laughs]

-Wow, you look amazing.

-Thanks.

-You do. You look fantastic.

-You too.

It's so nice to see you.

[chuckles]

-[Rebecca] You look really great.

-[Bryan] Oh, thank you.

["Ideale" by Paolo Tosti playing]

-I'm gonna--

-Did you get taller?

-Are you wearing a Cuban heel?

-I'll be... Yeah...

-Jack?

-[Jack] One sec.

-Jack? Jack!

-Yeah?

-Hey, I--

-You look brilliant.

-Thanks.

-I love your suit.

Thanks a lot, yeah. I just...

I'm going to find a drink

or something, I think.

Oh, yes, please.

Jack? Oh, my God.

-Jack.

-Hi.

Hi.

-Hi.

-It's nice to see--

Hi.

-[laughs]

-Nice to see you, too.

God. Uh...

Yeah, I...

Good? You're good?

-Yeah, I'm good.

-[stammers] Good. Yeah.

You look great.

Thanks.

Still can't believe you made me come

all the way out here

just to stare at the guy

you were shagging for two years.

Stop staring at him, then.

At least you got an upgrade.

-Pfft! What upgrade?

-What do you mean, "what upgrade"?

I'm better looking than him,

I'm taller,

and I'm definitely better in bed.

How do you know?

Have you slept with him?

Well, no. It's obvious, look at him.

He's just...

What do you mean?

Are you saying

that he's better in bed than me?

You know what?

I haven't had time for a full analysis.

Really? Well, I have.

I've literally asked people,

and they've all pretty much said,

"Yeah, you're great. Cheers, mate."

-Go and stand over there, please.

-What?

Further.

This good?

Perfect.

[sighs]

[laughter]

-Are you okay?

-[camera shutter clicks]

It's a bit overwhelming.

No, I'm fine. We're fine.

I love you so much.

I just want you to have

the best day ever.

Oh.

Nothing could spoil this day.

[sniffing loudly]

[Overture from

The Barber of Seville playing]

So, I was in my car

in this empty parking.

Believe me, there was nobody.

And Hayley come up to me and say...

f*ck me.

[woman, in Italian] What did she say?

Sorry. Sorry. Just, um...

-[stammers] I'll be back in one second.

-Yeah, yeah.

[in Italian] I understood that.

[in Italian] No, that's not

what she was trying to say.

[indistinct chatter]

[Hayley chuckles]

-Hey.

-Marc.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

You're surprised to see me?

Yeah, I am a bit.

I mean, everyone else was invited.

What do you want?

I know! I know!

You felt like you had to

go through with this facade.

But, uh... But I'm here now.

And I'm ready for us to be a happy couple.

What?

Uh, I am already in a happy couple

with my husband,

who's just in that next room.

-Hello!

-[woman] Beautiful wedding.

So nice of you.

I'll come and find you in a moment.

I'll come and find you.

I've told you several times,

I am not--

-[in Italian] Congratulations.

-Thank you.

-I am not interested.

-No, I know, I know, I know.

Because-- Because you thought

I didn't really love you,

but now I'm proving that I do

by doing something properly romantic.

This is not properly romantic,

this is psychopathic!

Please, Marc, just leave.

-Just leave now, please.

-I just got here.

If you don't leave,

I will have security throw you out.

Uh, why-- why don't you try that?

See what happens.

-Listen, you tosser--

-Hayley.

-Hey.

-Oh, Roberto. [laughs nervously]

Is this one of your English friends

I'm always hearing about?

Hi, I'm Roberto.

-[Marc chuckles]

-Yes, yes, this is, uh...

[stammers] This is Marc.

Um, but he just popped in

and, sadly, can't stay.

-Yes, I can.

-No. No, you can't, because...

well, there's, um... there's nowhere

for you to sit, for a start.

Oh, no, no, it's no problem.

Your cousin, Laura, couldn't make it,

so we can put him on the English table.

Oh!

There you go. Perfect.

-Come. I'll organize.

-Brilliant.

-Roberto, just...

-[Roberto] Come on.

Um...

Yes...

[quietly] f*ck!

[Jack] What about you?

-You had a boyfriend.

-[Dina] Yeah. No more, though.

He thought it was a good idea to sleep

with almost all of his staff.

-[Jack] Ouch.

-So, yeah.

So it was either fly out for Hayley's

beautiful wedding in Rome,

or go home

and kick the living f*ck out of him.

[Jack] It's not too late.

You know, you could always kick

the f*ck out of him when you get back.

Best of both worlds.

[Dina] I get back on Tuesday.

I can f*ck him up then.

[Jack stammers]

Just before we...

Yeah?

Uh...

I... I used to ask about you...

all the time.

[chuckles softly]

I used to ask about you, too.

[Jack] There she is!

-Hi! You look so beautiful!

-So do you. It's so great to see you.

-I'm just gonna borrow him. One second.

-Yeah.

We'll be right back. Sorry.

Hold that thought, please. Hold it.

[Overture from

The Thieving Magpie playing]

[inaudible]

Oh, my God, Hayles.

She's even more gorgeous than I remember.

Look, I know you're busy,

but you said there was an English table.

Is she on that table?

Can you just--

Can you shut up for a second?

Just listen to me

'cause I've got a bit of a problem.

-Fine. What is it?

-Marc Fisher is here.

-What, the creep from school?

-Yes.

Why the hell did you invite him?

I didn't invite him, he just came.

Well, just tell him to leave.

You can't just turn up

to a wedding uninvited.

Jack, you don't understand.

He's saying that he's in love with me,

and he's threatening to go full-on psycho

and ruin my wedding!

-He's what?

-I know. He's f*cking nuts.

And he's f*cking coked up to his eyeballs!

All right. Okay. Don't worry.

I'll-- I'll get him out.

You can't! He's too volatile.

God knows how he'll react.

-All right. So what, then?

-I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!

Oh, God. Have you got my pills?

Come on. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-You're not gonna vom', are you?

-God, you better have a bucket.

f*ck!

Just don't vom--

-Oh, my God.

-What?

What? What? What?

Yes. Yes.

This is the sleep medicine

that I've been taking.

Couple of drops of this,

it would knock him out for hours.

It's seriously strong.

-Sorry, what?

-[laughs]

And Roberto has put him on your table.

Oh, my God, it's perfect.

Just put a couple of drops of that

in his champagne glass.

It'll be brilliant.

But just use it sparingly

'cause it's the last that I have, okay?

Put it in your pocket.

-Just a quick question.

-Yes?

Are you f*cking mental?

I'm not gonna roofie Marc Fisher.

Listen, Jack.

Marc is just about mad enough

to ruin this whole wedding

and humiliate me

in front of my new family,

many of whom already think

I'm a bit of a d*ck.

-There has to be another way.

-There is no other way.

-There isn't. Please.

-There has to be.

-No, there is no other way.

-There has to be another way!

Jack--

Hayley! Why do you keep disappearing,

my beautiful?

[laughs nervously]

-We need to do the photos.

-Oh!

-Hey.

-Hey. [chuckles]

Your sister is an angel, isn't she?

[Hayley laughs]

-Yeah!

-Yes.

Come.

Hayley...

Hayles? Hayles?

Hayles?

Hayley!

She's your sister. She's your sister.

She's your sister.

Okay.

Ciao.

[whispers] You f*cking owe me, Hayley.

[The Oracle] Do you know

how many different ways eight people

can sit around a table?

No, don't try to work it out.

It's really complicated math.

You won't be able to.

But there are thousands.

Trust me.

Look it up later.

Anyway, the point is,

something as seemingly insignificant

as where we're sitting at a table

is actually chance

dictating whether love will succeed

or fail.

[The Thieving Magpie overture crescendos]

[wedding host] Signore e signori,

ladies and gentlemen...

[host speaking Italian]

[in English] Please be seated.

Lunch will be served.

["La donna mobile" by Verdi playing]

[Bryan] Come on. Come on. Come on.

He's just a man. No different to anyone.

[Bryan] A handsome, imposing,

successful man.

But it's fine.

Just go over and say hello for God's sake.

"Hi, I'm Bryan."

See, it's easy.

He's only human.

He goes to the toilet

just like anyone else.

Just imagine him naked.

Yeah, a naked man.

Just a naked man sh1tting on a toilet.

Oh, we're sat beside each other.

How fun is that?

-Brilliant.

-[Rebecca chuckles]

[music stops]

[guests applaud]

Thanks.

Mm.

Thank you.

More, please. Thanks.

Ahh!

[Rebecca chuckles]

Hi.

[Rebecca] Hi.

[Dina] I'm here. And you are...

-There. Right.

-Not quite...

Okay.

We can just, you know,

wave at each other.

-Hi.

-[Rebecca] Hi.

-Hello, I'm Bryan.

-Dina.

Wait...

Wait a second...

Hey, man. Hey.

Look, can I just, uh...

Cheers.

-[Jack murmurs]

-[Dina laughs]

Uh...

There's no way his c*ck's

bigger than mine.

It might be thicker,

but it's definitely not longer.

Are you seriously

still going on about this?

Well, yeah.

For you information,

thicker is just as important.

You don't want a long, thin pencil d*ck

going up there.

-Have I got a pencil d*ck?

-Can you please stop?

-You're like a 12-year-old.

-I haven't got the equipment of one.

No, you don't.

You have the brain of one, though.

Okay, well...

-[Bryan] Hey.

-[Rebecca] Oh, hello.

You have got to be kidding me.

Oh, great. I'm not even sitting with you.

[Chaz] I've got to sit

with people I don't know.

What was your sister thinking, Jack?

You know, I have really no idea.

-All right? [sighs]

-[Dina] Hi.

This is brilliant, innit?

[Sidney] Ah!

-We're meant to be together.

-Mm.

Apparently.

[sighs deeply]

-Hi, everyone.

-[Chaz] All right, mate?

What's Marc Fisher doing here?

Uh, I'll explain later.

[wedding host] Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. and Mrs. Carboni.

[audience cheering in Italian]

[glasses clinking]

Cheers. Cheers, guys. Marc.

[Jack] Welcome to table four.

Yeah, to table four.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

[Sidney] Cheers.

-To us.

-Cheers. [chuckles]

Could be.

[Sidney murmurs]

[Dina] Thank you.

[Rebecca] So how long have you and Amanda

been seeing each other?

-I've been with her for about a year.

-Whoa!

Yeah, and she's chose

to sit next to her ex-boyfriend

over her actual boyfriend, so...

[Rebecca] It is pretty rude.

Especially when you consider

what sort of, um, relationship they had.

-What do you mean?

-It was all very physical, you know?

I personally don't believe

that any sort of meaningful relationship

is ever built on that much sex,

so it is kind of weird

that they'd sit together.

It's just like more... [blows raspberry]

And less, like...

-Do you know what I mean?

-Yes. Yeah.

Lots of banging, but very little chat.

And, you know, where does that sort

of thing end up, you know?

Sorry, mate, can we get a proper drink?

All about the... [blows raspberry]

And not about the... [claps]

Know what I mean?

[Chaz] Yeah. Yeah.

I see you're wearing

the cuff links I bought you.

Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

Well, they were the only ones I had, so...

f*ck you.

So, um, I hear you're a journalist.

-Yeah.

-In journalism.

Yes, that's right.

Yes, got it in one.

[both chuckle]

So, what is that? Fashion stuff?

No, I'm a w*r journalist.

I think someone said-- Hang on.

Did you get kidnapped?

Yes. Yeah.

Whoops.

-Yeah, whoops.

-Big whoops. No, not whoops.

But you know what I mean, like, careless.

Well, not careless.

-No, not careless.

-So what happened there?

We were on a report in Afghanistan and--

Oh, there's your first mistake.

Afghanistan, if you please.

And what happened? Don't tell me.

Um, well, the Taliban--

-The Taliban, quelle suprise. Yeah.

-Right.

Yeah, there were Taliban forces

who came into our space--

Uninvited?

-Yeah.

-Of course they were.

-Of course.

-Why are you inviting the Taliban?

Doing a report in Afghanistan,

and the Taliban forces came in

and took us outside,

-lined us up, held g*ns to our heads--

-What were you wearing?

-What?

-What were you wearing?

Because, obviously, this would be, um...

not for them.

Out there they don't like the, um,

exposed...

breast.

Not that this is exposed. This is...

This is... Yeah.

Absolutely... very well judged.

I'd kidnap you.

-Oh.

-Mm-hmm.

[Rebecca] The proof was in the pudding.

They ended up breaking up.

Well, no, because she keeps talking

about his massive d*ck, so...

-Really?

-Yeah, well, mine's big anyway, so...

-How big?

-Bigger than his, probably.

What you talking about? A spoon or a fork?

-Both.

-Can you point out on the table what size?

Both. Stuck together.

-Those two stuck together?

-Yes.

["Non pi andrai" by Mozart playing]

-Who's the American?

-Oh, that's Hayley's friend, Dina.

God, yeah, the lady you met in Rome

and wouldn't stop going on about.

I don't go on about her.

Oh, come on, you found every excuse

in the world to talk about her.

We'd been there for, uh, many days.

We actually had no idea if it was,

you know, day or night at that point and--

I'm in car insurance.

-What?

-I'm in car insurance.

-Okay.

-It is okay.

Oh, okay.

It's not as boring as it sounds,

thank you.

-I'm sorry. Go ahead.

-That's fine. So, yes, um...

I work with a couple of guys

called Jim and, um, Jeff.

Well, I call him Jeff.

Jim calls him Jeffrey.

Jim started in 2001.

And then Jeff started...

-Lovely.

-Thanks.

Grazie.

-Grazie.

-That's it.

And then Jeff started

a couple of years after that...

[Bryan] I thought she had a boyfriend.

Well, not anymore.

Turns out he cheated on her

really horrifically.

Oh, that's great, man.

That's great. You should really

take your chance this time.

Well, now I intend to.

[Sidney] So, yes, Jim and Jeff

are hilarious.

God, you're slinging 'em back,

aren't you?

-You know, if the situation calls for it.

-Oh, sure.

Which it does.

Were you allowed to drink

when you were kidnapped?

["The Blue Danube Waltz" playing]

[Sidney] Another time.

I must tell you this.

I've parked my bike

and outside it's spring,

and locked her up, and I go in,

open the door,

and, um, syrup.

-What?

-Syrup.

-Syrup?

-Syrup all on the door handle.

To the extent that there's syrup

actually on the floor underneath it.

-On the carpet.

-Another Jeff bit?

Jim. What, Jeff?

I said, "Jeff bit," like Jeff--

No, this is not Jeff. This is before Jeff.

Oh, I'm sorry, I--

Yeah, you're right, it's...

This is Jim. Am I talking to myself?

[laughs] No.

Jeff didn't start until 2008.

No, hang on a minute.

I'd got rid of the bike,

so he would've started in the spring...

of...

two thousand and...

wait for it...

-You know what? Don't worry about it.

-May as well get it.

[whispers] Bryan.

Bryan, can you do me a favor, mate?

Could you keep an eye on Marc?

If he moves, just come and grab me.

I'm gonna make my move. [clicks tongue]

Wish me luck.

[Sidney] It was 2006, back on in--

Yes, 2008. Yes, here he his.

-Sorry to interrupt.

-Hello.

Good, man. Um, just wondering if you

want to grab a drink at the bar.

-I would love to. Excuse us.

-That sounds fantastic!

Okay.

-[Sidney] You coming, Jack?

-Yeah. Of course.

[guests applauding]

Oh, Vitelli.

-What? Where are you going?

-Vitelli.

-Oh, do you want me to come with you?

-God, no.

Cool.

[in Italian] Oh... I told you...

[laughs]

Mr... Mr. Vitelli.

-Yeah?

-My name is Bryan.

[Vitelli] Oh, nice to meet you.

Bryan?

Mm. Sorry. Um...

Would you mind if I sit down?

I just want to sit down.

It's okay, Bryan. Can I help you?

-Oh, yes.

-Yeah?

Mr. Vitelli, I just wanted to say

that I am such a huge fan.

-Thank you. Thank you very much.

-No, really, I am.

And I would just be fascinated

to understand where you get the...

[slurring] ...idea for your films.

-The ideas?

-The ideas.

Oh, well... [chuckles]

Uh...

Well, you know,

the thing about ideas is that...

Hmm.

...they're not created.

They come to you just like...

um, happy accidents.

You know what I mean?

Inside you. Just really...

from somewhere inside you.

Some secret, dark...

-Dark place.

-...blind place inside of you.

That's brilliant.

[murmuring]

Hey, man?

Mm.

Vitelli.

[sighs]

-Okay, thank you for coming.

-Thank you.

Thank you.

-It's been nice to talk with you.

-Thank you.

Yeah.

Thank you.

[chuckles]

How'd it go?

Hm?

-Vitelli? How did it go?

-Yeah, all right.

Oh, my God, I knew it.

What a story. What a night.

That is nuts.

I can see that you're buzzin'.

Jeff's stood there, laughing.

He's still got the glove on.

-Laughing behind the glove.

-Oh.

Still, also with the purple track suit.

And I'm like, "Yeah, that worked.

That worked. As planned."

-Sidney, sorry.

-Mm.

I'd hate to sound rude, but, um...

I was just kind of hoping

to have kind of a private chat.

As in...

just the two of us.

Man to man.

Would you mind just, um...?

Okay, Sidney?

-Yes, Jack?

-What I meant, uh...

I meant Dina and me.

[stammers]

So, where do I go?

I mean, I don't know, man.

Uh, over there?

-Over there?

-Yeah.

I'll pop off.

Yeah, you're cool.

I'll see you in a minute.

-You're cool, too.

-Okay.

-Oh!

-I feel awful.

That felt horrible.

Look at you, you're such a baller.

You're so chilled out about it. I love it.

I think you're amazing.

I actually do think you're amazing.

But whatever, you know?

[Marc imitates a revving engine]

[panting, sniffing]

[Marc] She loves you. She loves you!

[babbling]

[whispers] She's yours.

You got this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She definitely loves you.

Quickly, before Sidney gets back.

Just tell me what you've been up to.

Quickly? Just tell you--

Tell me everything you've done

in three years in ten seconds.

-Just...

-Sid can do that.

Since the last time I saw you,

I've had a failed relationship.

Amanda, who's sat right next to me.

Um... [stammers]

Then I went to Asia, traveled around,

got a horrible disease, um, came back,

and then I just recently qualified

as a structural engineer...

at last. [chuckles]

Hey! That was eight seconds!

-You were actually counting?

-Mm-hmm.

I mean, you have two seconds left,

but you don't have anything to fill.

No, I really don't.

It's a sad, sad, sad admission.

I mean, that's a lot of just... blah.

[speaking in Italian]

-Hey.

-Sorry, just one second.

You're-- You're awake.

I'm awake. Of course I'm awake.

Why wouldn't I be awake?

Anyway, we need to talk.

Right. Um, yes.

Just as long as you're not going to say

that we're meant to be together.

Oh, uh...

We are meant to be together.

What planet are you on, Marc?

Do you want me to just tattoo it

on my forehead?

I love Roberto.

Uh, no.

What do you mean, "no"?

The connection between us is undeniable.

You're just scared of telling Roberto,

but it's okay, it's okay.

He does need to know,

so you tell him, or I'll do it for you.

[host] Signore e signori,

ladies and gentlemen...

[host speaking Italian]

[host, in English] We'll now have

our first dance

with Hayley and Roberto.

[guests applauding]

Please stay here.

[cheers and applause]

[Op. 75 from Romantic Pieces

by Dvok playing]

So, come on. Your turn.

I was a foreign correspondent,

as you might remember.

I went off to some very horrific places.

I saw a lot of people get shot.

I was kidnapped.

Came back home.

My mom got sick and died.

And I found out that my boyfriend

loves having sex with anything

with an available orifice, so...

That's...

-Wow.

-That's it.

-Um...

-Yeah. [chuckles]

I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, it's okay. It's just--

You know, it's life.

No, I mean I'm sorry

that it was 12 seconds.

[laughs]

So, that's...

Oh, it means you lose.

Wow.

Well, let's...

Hey, let's just hope...

it's only good luck from now, right?

Yeah, fingers crossed.

[guests applauding]

-Your dress!

-Sorry!

-Where are we going?

-Just here is fine. Just here.

-You okay?

-No, not really.

-Marc is still totally f*cking wide awake!

-What? How?

Jesus, Jack. It was a simple plan.

How did you mess this up?

[stammers] Hey!

You do know this is my first time

spiking someone's drink.

Shush!

-I already feel awful about it, and now--

-Yeah, I know.

Look, please, will you just make sure

he doesn't go anywhere near Roberto?

I have to go and do something.

-What do you have to go do?

-Just more f*cking photos!

How's it going with Dina?

Yeah, no, it's good, it's good, it's good.

-It's good.

-That's great.

You know what, though?

It's like Mum used to say.

You expect the worst,

but hope for the best,

and I feel like this is our moment.

-This is-- This is--

-Yeah, that's great. Great.

[sighs]

Hello, nads.

Hello.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I'm Cristina.

-Would you mind holding that, Cristina?

I need to do a bit of, um...

a bit of admin.

Kilt... Hang on.

[Cristina clears throat]

Sorry.

Under the, uh...

How do they bloody do this?

That's wrapped 'round like nunchucks.

Ah.

Just unwrapping.

Hm. Hey presto.

Thank you. I'm Sidney.

Okay.

Okay.

That's okay.

[Sidney] Off she goes.

[sighs]

[Chaz] Mm!

Hey, man. Uh...

All right?

I was gonna say, well done back there.

Excuse me?

No, it's the way you orchestrated

that you'd be sitting next to Amanda

at the wedding. [chuckles]

What, you think I wanted to sit next to

my ex-girlfriend at my sister's wedding?

But I'm not a masochist.

-Bit of a coincidence, though, isn't it?

-Is it, though?

Yeah, it is. You know, yeah.

Look, uh, mate, um...

Amanda and I are totally, totally done.

I mean, we went out for two years,

but by the end of which,

we pretty much hated each other.

So you're saying you hate her now, eh?

-"Hate" is a strong word.

-You just said it.

But definitely dislike.

You be careful, mate.

'Cause that's my future fiance

you're talking about.

-Really?

-What do you mean, "really?"

Oh, what? Because I haven't got that?

Yeah?

I couldn't fill those boots? Huh? What?

What went through your mind just then?

"Oh, this guy in front of me

has got a really tiny, weird p*nis

that everyone's laughing at."

No, they're not. They're laughing at you.

'Cause you're the weirdo

who's walking around with your big p*nis.

"Oh, look at me!

I'm at a wedding with a big d*ck!

Everyone respect me

because of my big p*nis!

Ooh! Oh, it's really girthy!

It's really girthy!

Please like it! Please like it!"

-I'm sorry, you completely lost me.

-Exactly.

Stay away from her.

-Okay.

-Good.

-I will.

-Okay.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Good chat.

-Yeah, great chat.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-All right.

-Yeah.

Hey.

-Hey, you.

-Is everything okay?

[chuckles]

Uh, yeah, yeah.

-[Dina] Do you want a drink?

-[Jack] Yeah, no, I really do.

I think I might change out the wine

and go for a gin and...

[Jack] f*ck.

One sec.

He wants a Gin and f*ck, please. Thanks.

I'm kidding. [chuckles]

[Marc] What are you doing?

-[Jack] Just here.

-Ow!

I'm so sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Um... Why... No, okay.

Just hold on one sec.

Sorry.

I know you have this thing

for Hayley, right,

but she doesn't feel the same,

so you need to accept that.

Oh, oh, oh. Is that right?

Then, um... hmm...

how come we shagged three weeks ago?

-What?

-That's right.

Shagged.

Just... [laughs]

Okay, I really-- I really don't know

what's happening here,

but I do know that she's happy.

[Jack sighs]

Please, please don't ruin that.

Okay, okay.

But I'm gonna make her happy! Idiot!

[Jack grunts] No, okay...

Okay, okay...

Oh, God, this is happening!

-[Jack] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

-[muffled yelling]

-Ah, now, Jack...

-Sidney!

I'm gonna nip back to the hotel,

put some trousers on.

-The kilt's too much.

-Brilliant! Great!

Could you just give me

a hand for just one second? Sidney!

-Sidney!

-Yes. Yes, Jack.

-Sidney!

-Yes, I'm coming.

-I need to find a room.

-Yeah, what's going on?

I'll explain it later.

-I'm Federico Vitelli.

-Dina.

-Dina, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

I love your work.

[Sidney] Ah!

We're in! Okay.

-Sidney?

-Yes?

-That cupboard!

-Yes.

-The other door, Sidney!

-Both doors?

There we go. Okay.

Wowzers!

-Please don't put me in the cupboard!

-Bye-bye!

-[straining]

-I think Jim has that painting.

-Yeah!

-Lovely stuff.

[Marc] Please! Help!

[Marc yells and pounds on cupboard door]

[in Italian] Hello.

[in English] Can I borrow you for a sec?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Um, sorry.

[in Italian] Sorry.

Jack?

All right.

I want an answer, and I want it now.

About what, Chaz?

Just the whole marriage thing.

Look, is it because of your ex-boyfriend?

Is that the issue?

Oh, God! Don't be ridiculous!

All right, good, 'cause, um...

he said he hated you, so...

[Chaz] Mmm.

That's good stuff.

He what?

[muffled yelling]

[Marc] Help me!

I'm in the cupboard!

Hello!

[pounding on cupboard door]

[coughing]

What?

So, I just heard something

a little bit weird.

Apparently, you shagged

Marc Fisher three weeks ago.

Did he say that?

You know, that really is unbelievable.

I mean, the nerve!

My God! You are the worst liar

in the entire world!

What were you thinking?

I know, I really f*cked up.

It was an accident.

-[woman] Hello!

-Hello.

[Hayley and Jack chuckle]

How the hell do you have sex

with someone by accident?

How does that happen?

Shh. Please. Let me explain.

You know when I came to London

a couple weeks ago,

and I was really f*cking stressed

about the wedding?

I went to the pub,

and I had a couple of drinks,

and who walks in but Marc Fisher.

We start chatting,

we had a couple of shots,

and before we know it,

one thing leads to another, all right?

But it didn't mean anything, Jack.

Of course, it turns out that he's been

obsessed with me since we were 15.

Fifteen, Jack, and nothing ever happened.

Yeah, we snogged a couple of times.

Maybe he felt my t*ts. I don't know.

-Maybe I rubbed him up against his jeans.

-I don't need the details.

Sorry.

Jesus, Hayley.

I thought you loved Roberto.

Oh, my God. I do.

I do. More than anything.

He can never find out.

It would k*ll him.

[host] Ladies and gentlemen,

now we'll have the speech

of the maid of honor, Bryan.

[guests applauding]

Where is Bryan?

Bryan.

Oh! Hey, hey. How you doing, man?

Okay.

Um...

-They're calling to do your speech.

-Speech?

The speech you have to do

for the wedding, remember?

-What wedding?

-This one.

The one we're at. Hayley's wedding.

You're maid of honor.

-Man of honor, yeah.

-Yeah, right, right, right.

-You wanted to impress Vitelli, remember?

-Oh, yeah, Vitelli.

[chuckles nervously]

[in Italian] Where is he?

Oh!

[Jack] Whoa, whoa, hey.

[applause stops]

[inhales]

[murmurs]

Mm.

[slurring] Why are all these people

looking at me?

Oh.

This dream just gets weirder and weirder.

[murmurs]

Even Vitelli.

The Italian film director.

Yeah, he's good-looking, isn't he?

I fancy him a bit, but...

[groaning gently]

I'm not even g*y, but...

[groaning gently]

I'd do it anyway.

[Bryan] Mm.

I wish he'd give me a part

in one of his films, though.

Just a part.

Just a little part.

I'd do it good.

I'd do it good for you.

[Bryan] Just give me a part, you b*stard!

[indistinct whispering from guests]

-[blows into mic]

-[feedback whines gently]

[Bryan hums]

[Bryan] That's cake.

[Bryan] Dream cake.

[Roberto] Bryan, Bryan...

[audience gasps and yells]

-I'll just...

-No!

I'm just gonna take you

to the toilet, okay?

[host] An applause for the maid of honor.

[scattered applause]

[host speaking Italian]

Yeah. Hm.

[muffled yelling]

[Marc] Help!

Help!

[pounding on cupboard door]

Help!

[Marc continues yelling]

Help! Help! Help!

Help! Help! Help!

Anybody!

-[Marc yells]

-[woman gasps]

[panting] Oh.

Thanks.

[host] That beautiful cake.

[clears throat]

[chuckles nervously]

-[cell phone buzzing]

-What? What's wrong?

Oh, my God. I've got a crisis at work.

I have to leave.

-We can take my car if you want.

-Oh, my God, that would be amazing.

-Thank you so much.

-Yeah. Let's go. [chuckles]

[Vitelli] I'll see you out there.

Hayley, hi. Scusi.

I have to leave. I'm so sorry.

-Oh, no!

-Something at my work.

Oh, okay. Look, don't worry.

Dina's leaving. Come on, go.

[Bryan groans]

-Okay.

-Oh, God!

Um...

Yeah, uh, sit down. Sit down, Bryan.

[groans]

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Bye, Bryan.

Bye.

Dina?

Jack. Hi. I was looking for you.

-You're not going, are you?

-I know. I'm so sorry.

I was trying to say goodbye.

There's been this hurricane in Mexico.

I gotta get back 'cause

my editor has food poisoning.

It's a long story, but I'm so sorry.

But maybe we can

get together another time or...

Will you be in Mexico

or Guadalajara anytime soon?

Look, I just have to say something. Um...

Yeah.

Listen. I--

[Amanda] Ha! There he is!

-So, you hate me, huh?

-What?

-Chaz just told me you hate me.

-I didn't say "hate."

Well, you did say, so...

[stammers] Okay, no, I did say "hate,"

but then I changed it.

Yeah, to "dislike."

-Aww, that's so sweet of you, Jack.

-You don't like me either!

Why do we have to pretend our relationship

was anything other than the misery it was?

-Right?

-Okay. Yeah, okay.

-I guess you make a fair point.

-[cell phone buzzing]

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

Just one more thing.

-What?

-Oh my God! Jack!

You are a piece of sh*t!

-Jack, are you okay?

-[Jack wails]

Oh, my God. Jack, wait.

Yes, I will marry you, Chaz.

Yeah, I don't know if I...

Um...

Let me just--

-Woo!

-[Jack] My nose bleeds all the time!

[indistinct chatter]

[classical chamber music playing]

Hayley and I shagged!

[music stops]

-[woman, in Italian] What did he say?

-[woman 2, in Italian] No!

But what is he doing?

Sorry, but it's true, Hayley and I shagged,

and we love each other.

Hayley, come on. Tell them.

Get the hell off the stage.

[audience gasps, yells]

[Roberto] Hayley! Hayley! Hayley!

-No, you go. You go save the world.

-I'm so sorry.

It always bleeds.

[cell phone buzzing]

It's fine.

Go. [laughs]

-I'll text you.

-Yeah.

[sighs] Damn it.

Go. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Pfft!

-[woman] Hayley!

-[Hayley yells]

[Roberto] Hayley!

[Hayley panting]

Is it true?

[Hayley breathing rapidly]

[Hayley weeps]

Listen...

No...

["Clair de Lune" by Debussy playing]

[man, in Italian] Come on, take a seat.

[Bryan] Vitelli...

Vitelli...

Vitelli...

Give us a part, you b*stard.

[birds chirping]

[groaning]

Oh, sh*t.

Roberto, please.

Please just talk to me.

[Roberto mutters in Italian]

I can't believe it. How could you do it?

-It's a f*cking nightmare, Hayley.

-I know.

It was such a mistake, and I'm so sorry,

and I love you more than--

No, it's over.

-Please, let me just explain it to you.

-No, no, no. I don't want to talk to you.

Never. Never again. It's over.

-This wedding is over!

-Roberto!

Oh, my God!

[music stops]

[The Oracle] And there we go.

One bit of bad luck

and it all goes t*ts up.

But what if things had gone differently?

Remember what I was saying

about the thousands of ways

eight people can sit around a table?

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

Cheers.

Cheers.

And then, finally,

there's just one last hope

that it might all go right.

Hey, uh, everyone.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, f*ck.

-What's the matter?

-Oh, f*ck!

Jack?

Oh, sh*t!

-[Dina] Jack, what's--

-I'm not supposed to be here.

What? Jack.

[in Italian] Sorry, sorry...

[in English] Sorry.

[Jack] f*ck!

Excuse us. Scusi.

[groaning]

What on earth are you doing?

I've just taken a really strong sedative.

That's a really weird thing

to do at your sister's wedding.

Well, I didn't do it on purpose, you tit!

[retching]

Stop it, Jack. You're making me sick.

Jesus! How do you make this

fingers-down-the-throat thing work?

Oh, I can't-- I can't do it.

Look, you have to help me.

Put your fingers down my throat.

-What?

-I can't do it myself. I just--

I need you to do it for me, all right?

You've got those big, long, weird,

gangly fingers.

They'll go further down my throat.

I've got to go impress Vitelli.

I can't be getting involved in this.

What's Dina gonna think

if I start falling asleep at the table?

-She's gonna think I'm a total f*ck-wit!

-Yeah.

Please, Bryan, for me.

-I don't want to.

-I really need you to do this for me.

I really don't want to.

Please, it's Hayley's wedding.

[sighs]

[whimpers]

-Okay, okay.

-Okay.

But I want you to remember

what a good friend I am.

Okay, yeah. Great friend.

-Best friend.

-Best friend. You're my best friend.

[wedding host] Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. and Mrs. Carboni.

[cheering in Italian]

How do you-- How do you want to--

-No!

-Just give me your f*cking fingers.

-Okay, okay, okay!

-Just keep 'em straight.

I am.

No!

-No, no, no!

-[Jack coughs]

Oh, God!

This is the worst moment of my life.

[Bryan] Oh, no!

[Bryan groaning]

-[Jack groans]

-Oh.

[gasps]

[Dina] Uh...

Uh, sorry-- No, I was just--

I just wanted to check to see

if you guys were good. You good?

Good? Uh...

Yeah, I can-- I'm gonna find--

I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna find something...

["Non pi andrai" by Mozart playing]

[utensils clinking]

[Dina] Um...

Great. Thank you. Could I--

Could I also grab, um...

some coffees?

-[Jack] Thanks.

-I have no idea.

Look, I'd wish you'd never...

Can we just pretend that,

you know, whatever you saw back there

never happened?

It's a pretty enduring image.

Kind of hard to forget.

[Dina chuckles]

Right. Uh, no.

There's-- There's a totally...

totally reasonable explanation for that.

It's a funny story.

Really. Very funny.

And I will tell you about it,

just not today.

Could we just try to forget it?

Yeah, I can try.

-Good, good.

-Okay.

That was-- It was weird. It was weird.

Yeah. I know.

-But...

-I'm sorry. So, come on.

[stammers] You were about to tell me...

what you've been up to

since I last saw you.

Okay, well, I guess the main thing

has been work. Uh...

You know, it's taken everything.

Honestly. I mean, I only really

stopped and looked up

when my mom got sick.

Is my mom's terminal cancer boring you?

No. No, it's not.

Carry on.

-You sure?

-Yeah.

[chuckles]

Okay.

Um...

You know, I...

I had-- I know told you how

she and I were really close, and, um...

Hm.

Well, you know, it just...

You know, the whole thing was just

a really huge punch to the gut, honestly.

-[Jack yawns]

-[Dina] Uh...

The truth is, I just can't get over

the randomness of it, you know?

Like, why her?

Yeah, why?

You know, I don't, um...

[voice breaking] I don't normally...

talk to people about this

because it just feels really weird, but...

Mm-hmm?

[Dina] You know,

I'm really devastated by it.

I don't really think I'm over it, and I...

The truth is, I don't think I'll ever

really be over it, you know?

[snoring]

Are you f*cking kidding me?

["Piano Concerto No. 20"

by Mozart playing]

Sorry. One second.

-Why are you awake?

-Why am I awake? Why wouldn't I be awake?

[Sidney] Ah.

Shots!

-[Sidney] Shots?

-Shots, shots, shots, shots!

-She's saying shots.

-Shots! Shots! Shots!

Get this lady a shot.

All right.

-Maddie Richards.

-What?

Maddie Richards never had any complaints

about me in the bedroom.

She always said I was

a solid 7.5 out of 10.

And most of the time,

I didn't even have a full erection,

so imagine what you're getting.

I'm so lucky, right?

Well done. Well done.

Yeah, well, you are lucky, and...

you should feel lucky.

[Bryan] Come on, come on, come on.

Just go over and say hello for God's sake.

Bryan, f*ck off.

Jack.

Jack. Jack.

Hm?

Jack!

[groggily] Wassup?

So, Chaz asked me to marry him.

I said, Chaz asked me to marry him.

[hoarsely] Oh, congrats.

[Jack inhales sharply]

[Jack] Oh, f*ck.

[sighs heavily]

Uh... what d'you want?

Dude.

Don't ruin my sister's wedding, all right?

It's out of order.

I'm not ruining anything.

[Jack groans]

I'm saving her.

[wedding host] Signore e signori,

ladies and gentlemen...

No, Marc.

[host] We'll now have our first dance

with Hayley and Roberto.

[guests applauding]

[groans]

[Op. 75 from Romantic Pieces

by Dvok playing]

Jack.

Jack.

-Come on.

-Hey, Bryan.

Get up, Jack.

[Bryan strains]

Oh, my God.

Jack, come on.

[Bryan grunts]

[Bryan sighs]

Jack.

Jack.

Jack!

Ow! What are you doing?

I'm trying to help you.

By whacking me in the face?

Fine. Go to sleep, then. I'm just--

No, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I know you're trying to help.

I'm just really stressed.

Hayley's in a really big mess.

Look, you're always getting Hayley

out some mess or other.

Well, yeah, she's my sister. She needs me.

[sighs] Also, I think Dina hates me.

Why?

I was falling asleep as she was telling me

about her mum dying.

Oh, man.

-Yeesh.

-Yeah.

-[music stops]

-[guests applaud]

I'm such an arsehole.

No, you're not an arsehole, Jack.

-I am.

-You're not.

I think you might be

the best person I know.

But you can't keep putting

everybody else first.

I'm worried about you, man.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

[exhales]

I love you, man.

-Yeah, all right.

-No, I mean-- No, no.

[mumbles incoherently]

I properly love you.

More than just a mate, you know?

Yeah... All right--

[snoring loudly]

[spitting]

Hey! [chuckles]

You told Roberto yet?

-I haven't. Piss off.

-I'll give you till the cake comes out.

[sniffles]

[Jack sighs]

[Hayley scoffs]

[exhales]

Oh, my God.

Jack, come with me.

-Come on.

-Oh, come on. I'm too tired.

Up you get. Come on.

[Hayley] You've taken the sleep drops,

haven't you?

-[Jack] Hmm?

-Jack!

-[Jack mumbles]

-[Hayley laughs nervously]

You total bell end.

-Please wake up.

-I'm so awake.

-Walking!

-I am walking.

-Honestly.

-I am walking.

-[Jack] Where are you taking me?

-Just somewhere private.

[Jack] This is so private.

[Jack sighs]

Jack, please.

-Ow! Why does everyone keep hitting me?

-I need you.

Why?

I mean, look, is this really

such a big deal?

Like, can't we just relax and go to sleep?

Marc is gonna tell Roberto...

that I had sex with him.

But, like, from when you were younger?

[inhales sharply]

-How recently?

-A few weeks ago.

Oh, Jesus.

And Roberto is gonna leave me!

And I deserve it!

Because I f*ck everything up!

-No, you don't.

-Yes, I do! Yes!

I'm a colossal loser!

You are not a loser.

All right?

You are my sister.

And you're the funniest, most brilliant,

most caring person in the world.

And if it turns out that Roberto can't

forgive you for a really stupid mistake--

-Oh, Jack!

-But-- No, listen, listen, listen.

If he can't--

Look, if he can't forgive you...

I'll still be here.

I'll always be around.

We can be losers together.

[laughs]

["Clair de Lune" by Debussy playing]

[Jack] Hey.

[Hayley sighs]

I think you and I have the same problem.

Do we?

[Jack] Mm-hmm.

We're just afraid to let

a real relationship happen 'cause...

we know how easy it is

to lose the ones we love.

-Jack. Jack!

-I'm awake.

-I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake.

-Please.

-Please.

-I'm so here.

Coffee?

-Yeah.

-Okay.

[Sidney] So, I arrived back at my desk

to find...

[Sidney laughs]

They've smashed my laptop.

Jim and Jeff?

An old laptop. It's not my main laptop.

Jim and Jeff sound like assholes.

An old laptop.

-Oh, my God, I have to tell you something.

-Mm-hmm?

-They're not your friends. Cheers.

-Cheers.

-You drink that?

-I am drinking this.

Oh, God, I need bread.

[Rebecca] Hello!

A vision in navy. [chuckles]

[lounge music playing in background]

[clears throat]

-Rebecca?

-Yes?

Why do you like me?

I...

I mean, I'm a totally self-obsessed,

neurotic mess.

Yeah. Yeah. But I'm... I'm...

I suppose I don't really mind

those-- those things about you.

But don't you think I'm a bit of an idiot?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you're a massive idiot. Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Well, yeah.

But I suppose there's one or two people

who would say that I am

a bit of a massive idiot.

And so you being

a massive idiot is sort of

what I actually like the best about you.

I suppose what I'm saying is

that I just like you for being you.

[chuckles]

Oh, wow.

That's...

It's...

I don't think anybody's ever

liked me for being me before.

They usually like me

for who I pretend to be.

Like, occasionally.

Well...

with me you don't have to pretend.

Oh.

Um...

Thank you.

No, thank you.

-Sorry, that was-- I didn't know this--

-No.

-No, I don't--

-I just, I--

I-- I definitely didn't.

'Cause it's, uh...

I'm-- Would you mind if--

-If we did just one more?

-That'd be good.

-Yeah? [laughs]

-Yeah.

She's yours.

[exhales sharply]

-Marc!

-What do you want?

-I just want to talk to you.

-Well, there's nothing to talk about.

Marc, please, please, please, please.

Just... Just-- Just listen.

I know how you feel about Hayley.

But maybe some things

just aren't meant to be.

-Not this.

-Just...

What I do know is that Hayley

deserves to be happy.

Yeah.

But she's happy with Roberto.

[sighs] If you...

If you really, truly care about her,

please let her go.

[sighs]

Okay. Okay.

[chamber music playing]

[groans]

[footsteps approaching]

Jack.

Jack.

Sidney...

-I'm really not on my best right now.

-You see, Jack, you're good with ladies,

and I was wondering

if you had any pointers.

Believe me, I'm not the best person

to ask for advice about anything.

-Yes, you are, Jack.

-Not right now.

Now, I know I'm not as sexy as...

Brad Pitt.

But now I'm starting to worry

that I might be...

I'm probably overthinking it, but...

Well, am I boring?

[snoring]

Jack?

Jack?

[snoring]

-Sidney? Sidney, Sidney.

-Yes? Sorry, Jack.

Go on.

Look.

-Try to listen more--

-Yes. Because you're good at that.

-No.

-You're--

Yes.

-Try to--

-You let people have their say.

-Sidney--

-You create a vibe.

You create a vibe.

Just listen more to people.

And I know they're your friends,

all right, but...

stop going on about Jim and Jeff.

[chuckles]

I don't know them that well.

Then why do you go on about them?

I suppose to make myself

sound more popular.

It's not working.

No.

-No?

-[whispers] No.

-Definitely not?

-It's--

Stop talking about Jim and Jeff.

And for heaven's sake...

listen.

Good luck.

-Onwards.

-Yeah.

Signore e signori,

ladies and gentlemen,

now we'll have the speech

of the maid of honor, Bryan.

[guests applaud]

-Where are you going?

-sh*t, that's me.

That's you. That's you.

Hey! [laughs]

[audience cheers]

[glass clinking]

Hello, everyone.

Uh...

Apologies for my lack of Italian.

Um...

[Bryan sighs]

[Bryan exhales]

[Bryan] Um...

Love is a weird thing, isn't it?

It's unpredictable sometimes...

confusing.

But I think...

the most important thing...

is that the person you're with...

loves you for being you.

[Bryan] You are enough.

And you love them just for being them.

And that's what Hayley and Roberto have.

And that's what I have with Rebecca.

[yelps]

[in Italian] Animal!

I am-- I am so sorry. My God.

I love you to bits, Hayles, and...

I'm so glad you're happy.

And I hope it lasts forever.

[laughs softly]

Hayley and Roberto.

[all] Hayley and Roberto!

[guests applauding]

[Bryan] Thank you.

[stammers] Was that okay?

Mm.

I thought it was brilliant.

You were very good.

-Um, I'll just get another drink.

-Yeah, yeah.

[sighs]

[romantic string music playing]

[inaudible]

Hayley and I...

[audience quietens]

Hayley and...

Hayley...

Hayley... uh...

Hay... Hayley...

Hayley...

and...

Roberto...

I hope you'll...

both be very happy together.

[guests applaud]

Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

Chin-chin.

I'll be-- I'll be right back, okay?

Just--

-I'm gonna go and talk to him.

-Okay, okay.

-Here you go.

-Oh, thank you.

[Bryan murmurs]

Marc.

["Clair de Lune" by Debussy playing]

All right?

Hey.

Um...

I've been thinking.

We...

Maybe we shouldn't get married.

'Cause, I mean...

you're clearly not in love with me, and...

that wouldn't really work, would it?

Would it?

Someone somewhere is going to be

so lucky to have you.

[voice breaking] Yeah.

Especially with those awesome genitals.

Ah...

I knew it.

It's-- But it's nice of you

to confirm it 'cause...

[sniffles] ...it's been

playing on my mind.

So, yeah.

[sighs]

[sighs]

No, here your watermelons

have way too many seeds.

That's where you're wrong.

You're wrong.

Okay, in America, we don't do seeds.

You know, we just make 'em

without the seeds.

I don't even know how...

[Sidney sighs]

-Hi.

-Hello.

-My name is Cristina.

-Cristina?

-Cristina, yeah.

-My name's Sidney.

-Oh, Sidney.

-Hello.

-Ah, so what do you do, Sidney?

-I'm in car insurance.

Oh.

Not as dry as it sounds.

I work with a couple of, um...

Tell me about yourself.

What do you do?

-Myself?

-What do you do? Yeah.

[both chuckle]

-I work in a post office.

-In the post office?

-Yeah, in Rome.

-You're joking me. Wow. In Rome?

-And I have one friend.

-Very exotic. Go on.

-She works with me. Julia.

-Julia?

-Julia.

-Keep talking.

-Yeah, she's a very crazy woman.

-Mad lady.

-Funny.

-Yeah, fantastic.

-Yeah.

-She sounds incredible. [chuckles]

Oh.

-I love your kilt.

-Ooh, careful!

Buy me dinner first. [chuckles]

[Cristina] Are you here alone?

I am here alone, yes.

Are you here alone?

Yes, I'm alone.

Oh.

[romantic orchestral music playing]

What time is it?

Um, I don't know. I don't know.

[laughs] I don't know, no.

I don't know.

-[Rebecca] What, do you live in a box?

-[Bryan] Yeah.

'Cause it's, like, seedless,

kind of thing.

sh*t.

Oh, God, I have to go.

Ciao. All right.

[indistinct chatter]

[Dina] Hayley!

-Hi. Sorry.

-Hey, Dina.

[Dina] You look so beautiful.

I'm so happy for you.

I'll call you 'cause I've just got to go

to some work thing.

-[Hayley] Right now?

-Yeah, sorry.

[Hayley] I love you, babe. Bye! Bye!

Dina?

Oh, look who's woken up.

Uh, hi.

Yeah, I am so sorry

about what happened earlier. I...

Tonight didn't quite turn out

as I'd planned.

[chuckles] Yeah? Well...

what in life really turns out as planned?

Yeah, I suppose. [chuckles]

-[cell phone buzzes]

-Um...

[chuckles]

-sh*t.

-So you're going?

Oh, yeah, I have to.

I've had, like, 16 missed calls from work,

and I was just too drunk to notice.

[sighs]

I, uh...

Huh?

[stammers] I was, um...

I was about to kiss you...

that night.

I...

I just felt that there was something

special between us.

And, um, I know this seems nuts

'cause we'd only known each other

a couple of days, but I...

I've never felt a connection

like that before.

Or since.

And I had a feeling you felt the same.

So I just want to--

I just need to know, uh...

if I was imagining it.

You weren't imagining it.

I guess we just missed our moment.

-God.

-Right.

Right. Uh...

I...

Yeah.

[romantic music echoes from inside]

Right.

Yeah. Thank you.

Grazie.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, so you and Rebecca, eh?

I mean, I don't...

I just-- I don't know.

I don't know how that happened.

Where's the American?

Ah, she's gone.

I'm sorry, man.

Some things just aren't meant to work out.

True.

Like me and acting.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I've realized that I don't need to act.

I'm fine just being me.

So that's it. Just...

That's it.

Done. No more.

You've got to change

at some point, don't you?

-You can't keep--

-[Vitelli] Oh, you're here.

-Hi.

-Hey.

I was really moved by your speech.

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

[Bryan] Thank you very much.

-You're Hayley's actor friend?

-Yes, I am.

I'm doing my new film.

Why don't you take my card

and give my assistant a call tomorrow?

-Yeah.

-We'll have a coffee.

-Yeah, brilliant. I will.

-Okay.

-I love coffee.

-See you. Bye. Yeah.

[laughs] Oh, my God!

-That was incredible. What just happened?

-I don't know.

I thought you were quitting acting.

No, that's bullshit. I'm all about acting.

[chuckles]

At least one of us has had some luck.

What are you talking about?

We're all lucky.

Are we really?

Have you ever thought

about how small the chances are

that you would be born?

If just one thing in history had changed,

just one of your millions of ancestors

hadn't crossed paths

at the exact moment they did,

then you wouldn't exist.

You'd never have even lived a single day.

-Did you just make that up?

-No.

It's a quote from one of Vitelli's films.

But it's true, though, right?

Yeah.

I mean, it's pretty scary,

but if we're honest with ourselves,

then it all comes down to chance.

And I guess life is about grabbing

those chances when they come 'round.

[romantic string music playing]

[romantic music swells]

Can I call you right back?

Thanks.

[music fades out]

[Dina chuckles]

Hi.

Hi.

Just going for run? [chuckles]

[romantic music playing]

-Dina?

-[music stops]

-Hi.

-Oh, my God!

-Do I know you?

-Do you remember we met at that--

f*ck off.

Seriously, f*ck off.

Yeah.

Okay.

-Okay.

-[Dina laughs]

[romantic music resumes]

["On an Evening in Roma"

by Dean Martin playing]

Hey, everyone.

Hang on. You're not supposed

to be sat there, are you?

I think I am.

What the f*ck are you doing?

What the f*ck was that about?

He's the most amazing actor

you've ever seen.

-I don't know about that.

-No, he is. He's brilliant.

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

And you'd be, uh...

You'd be "amoron"

not to put him into one of your movies.

-Like, an actual f*cking moron.

-Calm it down.

If he was any more obsessed with you,

he'd be a stalker.

-I'm not a stalker.

-He's not a stalker.

-I'm a watcher.

-But he's a bit like a crazy fan.

Expect him in your shower

being like, "I wanna watch your films."

-No!

-Thank you.

I'm sorry, sir. Oh, my goodness!

-It was an accident!

-There you go! Whoa!

I thought it'd be cold on top of hot!

I hope he didn't burn his p*nis.

-[Jack grunts]

-[Marc yells]

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Thanks!

-[woman gasps]

[Bryan retches loudly]

Nothing's coming up. It's just air.

Bryan!

Oh. [chuckles]

There's a wolf licking a baby's arsehole!

I don't like that.

[Bryan yells incoherently]

It's formed--

A rash is forming because of the kilt.

Ah, here he is!

You c*ck!

-Get it out, then.

-Excuse me?

Look, everyone!

Jack's about to get his d*ck out!

Take off your--

[Chaz yells angrily]

-What are you doing?!

-[woman screams]

[Jack yells in pain]

[in Italian] These British folk are mad!

But in Rome do as the Romans do

With you

On an evening in Roma

[singing in Italian]

On an evening in Roma

[song ends]

[instrumental score playing]