Scenes From a g*y Marriage (2012)

[bunniefuu]

My upstairs neighbor is hot.

I think preggers had

her baby.

Yhe bump's gone.

Maybe she lost it.

Honey!

You don't know.

Well, I think we should figure

out which apartment is hers

and take her something.

Like what? A card to say

congratulations

for possibly having the baby

we assumed you were carrying?

You're no fun. Why are you

being difficult?

I'm not being difficult.

I'm just merely challenging

your assumption.

Uh-huh.

Did you see the guy downstairs?

Someone moved in?

Yeah, I guess. I saw him

earlier.

Is he cute?

You'd probably think so.

He kind of looks like Adam

Levine...

if Adam Levine worked the late

night shift at Burger King.

Did you find the cocoa?

No, this is for you.

What is it?

Hot salt water. Go gargle it.

So you're sure this is over?

I moved out.

What'd you move?

Your loufa?

He took his name off the lease.

The apartment's mine.

Oh, it's always been yours.

Like a storage unit with

carpet.

Darren, please tell me this is

new.

I got it like a couple weeks

ago?

Ugh. It's a bacteria ball.

Do you realize the only way to

clean those

is to soak them in detergent

after every use?

I mean, who really has that

much time

to put into a delicate bath

poof?

Have you decided what you're

going to do with yourself?

Other than dust this place?

Greg, I'm fine. I've got it

figured out.

You do?

Okay.

Don't you have an event to plan?

Should you be having drinks

with one of the brides-to-be?

Oh, yeah. Drinks and a

cake-tasting.

Well, don't let me keep you.

Don't worry, I planned

accordingly.

My maternal instincts said to

stop here and check on you

first.

Well, what's the matter,

Ben?

Don't you think I can?

Yeah, that's the trouble. I do.

Oh, Ben...

It isn't because I'm not fond

of you,

you know that, but...

Well, I've just got to have a

try at it, that's all.

If I don't, I'll turn into one

of those women

who keep talking about what a

great career

they would've had if they

hadn't gotten married.

Guess what!

What?

I have another audition this

week!

That's great, honey! What's it

for?

A sausage commercial.

A sausage commercial?

Yeah.

See, I look like some greasy,

sausage-eating serial k*ller

in my head shots.

Have some more taken.

I know. I need to

I'm probably going to lay out

at the pool all day tomorrow.

Not all day, all right?

You'll burn.

What are you doing?

Watching you fall asleep.

Why?

What else am I gonna do?

Isn't it boring?

Like watching a hippopotamus at

the zoo?

What? Why?

Because, nothing happens...

Why aren't you tired?

I don't know.

Are you okay?

You've seemed a little distant.

Distant? Why?

Because you aren't six inches

deep?

Thanks.

What?

Next time I'll use my pinky.

Maybe I'll read some more of

that book.

Have a glass of warm milk.

No, you know, actually...

I think I'm gonna go down to

the gym for a bit.

That'll wipe me out

Hi. Hi. I'm sorry, I know it's

really late.

You said the light in your

kitchen went off?

Yeah, well, I plugged the

toaster in...

and then everything along this

wall went out.

The lamp, the refrigerator...

There you go.

That's it?

That's it.

What was I not doing?

You've gotta turn it all the

way to the right until you hear

it click.

If it happens again, just give

me a call.

Thank you.

Oh...

I think you dropped this.

Is he yours?

Yeah.

Yeah, he looks like you.

How old is he?

There he's two, but he's three

now.

Well, I bet he's a handful.

I'll let you get back to him.

He lives with his mom,

actually.

I was gonna make some coffee...

Would you like a cup?

So... I've forgotten your name,

I'm sorry.

It's Joe.

Joe... how long have you been

working here?

About a year, I guess.

Do you like it?

It beat some of the other jobs

I've had.

How often do you get to see

your little boy?

It's been over a year since

I've seen him...

my ex-wife hauled him up north

and I don't get much vacation

time, so...

Thanks.

So, are you from Nashville?

Just outside.

What about you?

I grew up in California.

How'd you end up all the way

over here?

Well, I... I met someone and

fell in love

and this became home.

How long were you together?

We were never actually

together, actually...

But, then I met my ex and we

were together eight years.

God, yeah, I was eighteen when

we met.

I was eighteen when I got

engaged.

Why'd you split up?

I got tired of carrying around

all the guilt.

I wanted to start living more

openly and honestly.

About?

About being g*y.

Oh, I wasn't sure.

Sure of what?

If you were.

Yeah, aren't you?

Yeah.

Well, thank you, Darren.

This is real nice.

Please, I didn't feel like

sleeping anyway...

Toast?

Nah.

Suit yourself.

Okay, maybe just one piece.

Are you hungry?

I mean, I've got stuff I can

kinda make...

No, toast just sounded really

good.

Yeah, I feel like I have the

munchies...

Do you do that? Do you smoke?

I mean, I haven't in a really

long time.

Yeah, me either.

My ex was... quite opposed.

And it's not like I can now,

I wouldn't even know where to

get the sh*t.

So, what do you do?

I don't do much of anything.

But, I guess calling about a

blown fuse at one a.m.

is kind of a giveaway.

I'm close!

Go, baby, go!

Did you see this?

Some kid threw a desk

and he's being charged with

as*ault with a deadly weapon.

Hey, that movie's still

playing...

What movie?

The new Almodovar film...

I think it's closing tomorrow.

Do you want to go tonight?

I don't know...

I'd probably fall asleep

Maybe there's a decent bootleg

or screener rip somewhere

online?

We could watch it this weekend.

I'm checking right now.

I don't see anything.

Well, honey, go.

Go see it tonight.

I don't want to go alone.

When has that ever stopped you?

You love Pedro's stuff.

Go.

Okay.

There's an early showing...

I could be back before dinner.

Perfect.

Well, I need to get back.

Enjoy the movie.

Thanks for lunch.

Hey, Darren!

Hi.

Hey.

You like nice.

Were you out?

Yeah.

Joe, I'm really tired.

Okay.

Good night.

Hi.

Hi.

Is that a record?

Yeah. I like the sound, it's

warmer.

Well, I remembered you said you

wish you had some,

so...

Uh, wow...

You didn't have to do this, Joe.

I wanted to.

I can't accept that.

Yeah, take it. It's yours.

Okay. Well, um... at least have

some with me?

Am I interrupting?

Interrupting what?

It's just me.

Okay.

Why'd that as*h*le leave you?

He didn't really leave me...

He was interested in adding a

third.

To the relationship?

To the bedroom.

I guess that's how it starts.

I don't know...

I was an only child, I'm not

into group activities.

Who was it?

Someone he met at work.

Co-worker?

Patient. Some twink.

Urologist?

Plastic surgeon.

I guess he was proud of his

work.

Men are f*cking assholes.

No...

Well, I left my wife...

You had a good reason.

I guess I shouldn't have

married her...

I was just scared.

Scared of what?

I don't know.

There are moments where it felt

right.

Moments where I felt like I was

where I was supposed to be...

with the person I was supposed

to be with...

being the person I was supposed

to be.

Then there were other moments I

felt like...

I should be sucking a d*ck.

Do you regret it?

Getting married?

No, I don't really regret it

all, because...

I wouldn't have had my son

and having him and being able

to hold him

was really worth every bit of

being oppressed.

And when my wife took him away,

I thought things would never

feel right again,

but... all of the sudden, they

start to.

Yeah, well, I don't think...

I don't think your wife yanked

him away

due to your inability to be a

loving father.

She's probably just pissed...

and taking it out on you.

You know? Maybe she's scared...

She probably realizes this is

it...

She's not going to find anybody

else like you.

I imagine straight men aren't

as gentle.

I know this is reaching way

back there, but...

Whatever happened to that guy

you moved here for?

It, uh... It was problematic.

We...

We met on the internet,

spent like four days together...

Four days?

You packed up your entire life

and move across the country for

four days?

We were really young...

and incredibly nainjj

in lust... It was an adventure.

I haven't had too many of those

since.

Did you know anybody here?

Where'd you stay?

Until I met Mark, I lived out

of my car for a little while.

Yeah.

Does he know...

That's what you went through?

No... No, um...

Leigh and I fell out of touch

for a while after that.

Do you guys still talk?

Mmhmm. Yeah, we talk.

He's my oldest friend.

So you see each other?

No... um... He moved...

to California, actually. He

makes movies.

Anything I would've seen?

No, not unless you watch g*y

movies.

Pornos?

g*y-themed movies.

I mean, yeah, I've Netflixed

some.

They're usually really bad.

Yeah...

What's it about?

It's about two guys who spend

four days together...

Guess I was just lucky enough

to have my heart broken by a

screenwriter.

Honestly, I'm just gonna take a

break...

I mean, no one wants to finance

it because it's a drama.

And you know, it's not just

that it's a drama,

it's that it's serious.

I mean, gays want drama...

Clearly, it's innate... But

within a comedy.

A raunchy, feel-good romantic

comedy.

God forbid you deny them a sex

scene...

Or make 'em think.

Well, how's everything else?

Great! Apparently, I am dating

the son of the Princess of

Kuwait

and the Sheikh of Qatar.

How'd you meet?

In a bar... aren't we classy.

g*y men don't usually meet in

the

"let's tell the kids about

this" sorts of ways...

It's not like we meet at church

picnics

or bump carts at the

supermarket...

I mean, like us! Look at how we

met.

Hi!

Hi!

God, I love the way summer

smells...

like chlorine with a hint of

barbeque.

What have we here?

I'm making duck.

Duck? You've never made duck

for me before.

Well, I've never actually

cooked it before...

But I did see it done earlier

on the cooking channel

and I'm feeling pretty good

about it so far.

Oh, sh*t! Is that the entire

building, or just us?

Just us!

I'm sorry - I told you I've

never cooked duck before!

What happened?

I don't know!

I guess the grease caught fire

when I wasn't looking...

I was prepping the plum sauce.

Are you mad?

Why the hell would I be mad?

I don't know...

Maybe because last month we

almost broke up over a

sandwich.

Well, what do you

mean?

Well, you're pretty young.

I mean, you're pretty and young.

And I can see you've got a lot

to learn...

Oh, feel free to change the

channel...

this is the only thing I could

find that wasn't a reality

show.

No, it's fine... I just can't

believe it's on again.

What is it?

Double Exposure.

I mean, it's really good, if

you like old movies.

I'm Luce...

...as in Lucy, not as in the

result of being a wh*re.

So, which apartment are you?

Oh, I don't live here.

You don't?

I mean - sorry. I know someone

that lives here.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't just go around to

random apartments

and use their gyms.

No, I'm friends with someone

that lives here...

Gotcha.

...they don't ever use their

gym pass,

so they gave it to me to use

whenever I want.

You want any more of this?

No, I'm good.

So, you and your ex lived in

Cool Springs? Right?

Uh-huh.

That's kind of fancy...

Yeah... He's still there.

Mmm.

So...

Were you, like... kept?

I'm sorry, I hope I didn't

offend you with that question.

No, I... I was.

He was an older guy...

he took care of me, but...

I had my own ambitions...

There were things that I wanted

to do...

I took photographs...

Mmhmm.

I worked with this talent

agency and they'd send me models

and actors looking for

headshots.

That's why I got this place...

But...

I couldn't really stick with it.

Every time they'd call or need

me,

I'd be off with Mark somewhere.

Holiday in Bermuda, whatever...

It just didn't materialize.

Yeah? Sure, why not.

So, what do you do now?

Now?

Uh... Now, I... Uh...

What is it, like, top secret?

I grow facial hair...

...for a man I've never met...

...who pays me two hundred

dollars a week to see

photographs.

He pays you two hundred dollars

a week...?

...to take pictures of your

f*cking facial hair?

He PayPals me every Friday.

That's the most incredible

thing I've ever heard.

It takes care of the Amex bill.

So, wait a minute though,

okay...

How the f*ck does someone

become a freelance beard-grower?

How does that even happen?

I answered an ad on Craigslist.

What!

"Can you grow a thick beard?"

Yes.

"Do you own a digital camera?"

Yes.

"Do you want to make two

hundred bucks a week?"

Sure!

That's incredible!

I mean, I know it's crazy,

but...

It motivated me to do something

about my situation.

Oh, I'm not judging you by any

means.

Trust me, I would gladly -

gladly -

hand the department of motor

vehicles

my two week notice,

if some cyber-perv wanted to pay

my two hundred dollars a

f*cking week

to grow out my leg hair!

Are you kidding me?

I mean, my love life would

probably go down the toilet...

but it would probably be worth

it...

for a while, at least.

Well, my gig pales in

comparison.

You wouldn't believe some of

the other sh*t I saw on there.

I wouldn't believe?

Trust me, I frequent CraigsList

solely for amusement.

The missed connections are

hilarious.

What are missed connections?

They're sort of like

personals...

but for people who have kind of

already met.

You know, they used to have

them in regular newspapers...

Okay, example

:We hung out the other night at

my apartment...

...and we watched The Breakfast

Club

and then we f*cked and then I

went to the bathroom...

when I came out you were

sticking my flash drive up your

vag*na.

I'd really like to see you

again,

and my flash drive.

You really have never seen

them?

You need to.

This nugget is shaped like

Indiana.

I went to Indiana once.

For what?

A colonoscopy.

You asked!

I lost my virginity to a

colonoscopy.

Shut the f*ck up!

For all intents and purposes!

My doctor looked like C. Thomas

Howell.

Ponyboy?

Among other roles.

Other roles?

Yeah.

What?

Soul Man?

Soul Man! Really?

Exactly!

'Cause that's what I like to

imagine...

my doctor in f*cking black face,

sticking a tube up my a*s.

I hate to be the bearer of bad

news...

but I think these are

frostbitten.

Well, they look f*cked up.

They have a sackful.

You just get a lot of them?

Yeah, you get twelve

and then you get some fries and

two drinks.

Let's do that.

I like mine with cheese and

mayonnaise only,

I hope that's not a problem.

Uh-uh.

No.

I f*cking hate mustard!

Thank you.

Is that a birth mark?

Uh, well... I don't want to be

too obvious.

Too obvious about what?

Oh, I think it's just...

you know, like that dude in

Grease.

What?

You know, the one that's the

leader of the Scorpions.

They call him Crater Face.

Crater Face, yeah.

Like Seal.

I know, what's up with that?

Why do girls like that sh*t so

much?

Cha Cha wasn't bad looking.

Remember?

Cha Cha?

The one that came...

and caused Sandy and him

to have a big tiff because she

danced with him?

Oh! The f*cking Puerto Rican

b*tch!

Oh - yes, yes.

So, whatever happened to him?

Who?

C. Thomas Howell.

Rae Dawn Chong and a ruptured

appendix.

I had it bad for him.

Oh, yeah?

Uh... I mean, I could tell from

our conversation earlier,

but...

I wore out my VHS copies of The

Outsiders,

Side Out, and Soul Man...

like regular people wear out

hardcore porn.

Did you ever seen that one movie

where he munched on Joan

Severance's box?

And he had the handlebar

mustache?

You didn't like that?

Yeah, it was all right.

I remember... racing back to

Blockbuster

to inquire about purchasing it

"previously viewed."

Mmhmm.

They wouldn't do it.

So then, I asked if I could

special order it...

Couldn't do that...

The damn thing was in

moratorium,

they weren't making it anymore.

You were f*cking persistent.

So, I rented it again and took

it home and tried to copy it...

But that didn't work out so

well because

f*cking Trimark had put one of

those

macrovision distorted signals

on it that prevent you from

copying it...

Like when you try and watch a

cable...

like Cinemax...

Yeah, yeah - back before things

were digital

and you're trying to get a

channel

you're supposed to have and

it's all like...

That's pretty much

what it looked like...

And with that sound effect too.

Well...

Anyway, go ahead, I know what

you're saying...

Anyway, I gave up after that...

and it wasn't much long after

that

that I had my first experience

with a man.

Five people, right?

Mmm...

Seth Rogen... David Duchovny...

Hold on. How do you spell

Duchovny?

I don't know. It looks like

Dutch-oveny.

It is - David Dutch-oveny.

That's is name on the streets.

All right...

Uh, Rainn Wilson...

Rainn Wilson from The Office?

What other Rainn Wilson is

there?

I always get him confused with

Bruce Willis' daughter.

Rumor?

The b*tch looks like Big Mac

Tonight.

Two more.

Rob Zombie...

and Alan Rickman.

Snape?

He's hot.

Actions?

Uh... bite... Lick...

Suck... f*ck...

Kiss.

Body parts?

Mouth... and, or lips...

Breasts...

a*s...

Uh... vag*na...

Don't f*cking do that.

What?

I f*cking can't stand when g*y

guys do that.

They act like f*cking vaginas

are some kind of like toxic

wasteland

and the grossest thing ever.

Um, they are.

Uh, first of all, you came out

of one!

Second of all, you stick your

d*ck in a place

that sh*t comes out of...

I can't think of anything

groser.

One more.

Neck.

Okay, I have to ask about

this...

Enlighten me.

Mark's idea of a gift.

Like a gag gift?

No, like, "Hi, honey. I went to

Germany, enjoy!"

This was his idea of a romantic

gesture?

Mark's one of those

ultra-conservatives

who's a radical in the bedroom.

Wow... Who?

Yeah... This is not good... At

all.

You know what would be good...?

Seth Rogen... sucking your

a*s...

...on the rooftop of an

apartment building...

to "Lay Lady Lay."

That happens to everyone...

Seth Rogen's out sucking asses.

Mmm! What?

I need to go take a picture of

my face!

Man, I wish I could read German!

This stuff does look quite

fascinating...

Like this dude in a gas mask...

he looks like he just came out

of a f*cking coalmine.

Honey, change the

channel...

No. Okay, wait a second,

so... If g*y marriage

supposedly devalues

the sanctity of marriage, then

what's all this bullshit?

Who's out there actively

protesting shows like The

Bachelor?

I love that you don't need a

football game

to get drunk and scream at the

television.

Well, it pisses me off, and I'm

tired of living here.

Hey... Come here...

We'll never be able

to get married here,

it's f*cking ill*gal to say the

word "g*y" in this state.

Please tell me you can hear

these people talking.

Yeah, it's my upstairs

neighbors.

How is it that we're able to

hear them so well?

I don't know... it's some

acoustical oddness.

Can they hear us?

I don't think so.

They're this really cute g*y

couple...

Oh, yeah? Uh-uh

One of them looks like C.

Thomas Howell...

Oh, Lord!

I'm serious.

And the other one looks like

Patrick Wilson.

Oh, now he is hot!

Did you ever see Little

Children?

Mmhmm.

That scene with him and Kate

Winslet...

Oh, my God...

on the washing machine?

I didn't know who to look at!

I knew what to look at -

between his legs.

I just remember pausing it

right on his a*s

and looking at it for long

periods of time.

Hey, how was the -uh

uh

-Almodovar film?

I forgot to ask you.

You forgot to ask me?

I feel uncomfortable that it's

in the sex books.

What?

It was good.

A lot better than I thought.

Yeah?

He's lying.

Who?

Patrick Wilson?

No. C. Thomas Howell.

What?

Oh, you mean the neighbor that

looks like him?

He's lying.

He didn't go to the movie.

How do you even know what

f*ck' movie

they're talking about?

Uh.. I was there.

What'd you do? Comb the theater?

Get a part time job as an usher?

Okay. One.

A subtitled movie on Wednesday

night

in Nashville doesn't exactly

draw a crowd.

Okay, that's fair.

Two. I went to purposely bump

into him.

What?

He's f*cking lying.

Okay, he's lying.

But do you realize that this

says way more about you

than it does about him?

Hi. Hi. I'm sorry, I know it's

really late...

I just... I need to ask you

something.

I'm all ears, angel.

Hypothetically,

let's say you've got this

character in this screenplay

you're writing.

He looks like C. Thomas Howell.

He's in what appears to be an

otherwise,

functioning, garden variety

domestic partnership.

Uh. He's He's..

maybe he's got some sort of

Madame Bovary complex.

He started doing things that

are a little out of character.

He's going out alone and lying

about where he's been.

So... where's he been?

Hypothetically?

This is a little arduous for

2AM my time.

Remember that couple that used

to live on either side of you?

Yeah. Isabelle and the

charlatan...

I forget his name.

Okay well you didn't know them,

per se,

but you knew from certain

context clues that, you know,

they were in a pretty rocky

relationship.

Hearing them scream, and

slamming doors,

and going back and forth

between apartments

is all really anyone would need

to figure out the situation.

Even someone in typhlotic

shock.

Okay, well, what if uhh what if

they hadn't been so operatic.

What if uh maybe you'd heard

more intimate moments

between the two of them?

Okay. Spit it out.

Okay. My upstairs neighbor,

who, yes, I'll admit,

I've had a crush on since the

day I moved in.

But, even if I wasn't so

socially awkward

and could speak to him, nothing

would come of it because,

he he isn't single and what

would I want with him anyway?

I believe in fidelity.

And his boyfriend's some guy in

a suit and I'm nothing,

but anyway -

I think he's hiding something.

Damn. They are...

Yeah- So.

What's the deal? Do you think

he's like cheating or what?

I don't know. I guess I'll

never know

unless they talk about it.

Well, if they do, you're bound

to hear it.

Cause I can hear everything.

Oh. Man.

I didn't mean to sleep that

long.

What're you doing?

Well, I should probably go.

See my friend in Building Four.

You can stay.

No, you can stay, it's late.

I appreciate that and normally

I'd take you up on that,

but one: all my work clothes

are over there.

Oh, okay, gotcha.

And two,

he has texted me like ten times,

cause I did promise him a

piece, so...

Oh he's that kinda friend?

He's that kinda friend.

That's out of control.

How do you sleep at night?

I've gotten used to it.

You better invest in some ear

plugs.

Stat.

Oh my God, do you wanna see

beard guy?

Yes! Yes!

Okay.

What'd you say this guy's name

was?

Aldo.

Aldo?

Hmmm...

Thank you for your

photos.

Your beard is looking great,

man.

This can't be for real.

I was wondering - when

did you start shaving?

Thanks for breakfast.

You're welcome.

Sure you don't want any?

I don't really eat breakfast.

At least at breakfast time.

I've been meaning to ask you

something.

I've never really done anything

like this before,

so, bear with me. Uh.

Joe?

I think I know what you're

gonna ask.

You do?

And... I'd prefer it if you

didn't.

No, no, I was gonna ask if you

wanted to

go to the movie sometime.

Joe, I just asked you not to

ask me.

So you don't want me to ask you

to go to the movies?

You don't like movies?

Clearly I like the movies

And I'd like to go sometime if

there's something playing

that we both wanna see, I just.

I don't want you thinking that

it can be anything more than

that.

More than what?

More than just going to the

movies.

Why'd you cook me breakfast?

Why'd you invite me for coffee

that night?

Because, Joe, I like you.

I like you, too. I'm really

comfortable around you.

I like spending time with you.

Is this, um, cause of what I do?

Because I'm just a maintenance

man?

Come on, Joe.

You know I don't think of you

like that.

Look at me...you know, I'm

single for the first time in my

life.

I'm unemployed.

I'm a mess. I need to figure

things out.

So figure it out.

Listen, I got to get back.

Okay.

I forgot my keys.

Hey. I was wondering.

You have any baseball caps or

anything?

I would love to see you in a

baseball cap.

With the beard.

Hey, honey, it's me.

Call me back when you get this.

I've got some news! I'm going

for a swim,

so if I don't answer, I'll call

you back.

Hello?

Leigh. I'm in their apartment.

Get out of there, go.

If this were one of your movies,

where would I look for a clue

or something?

Uh, we'll talk more from your

apartment.

Hello?

Hello?

Hi.

Hey, baby, how are you doing?

Did you get my message?

What message?

I got a callback for the

sausage commercial.

That's great.

Who took this picture?

What picture?

The one you sent me.

Um, I don't know, really, I

don't remember.

You don't remember?

So how long have you been in

the habit

of posing nude for cell phone

cameras?

It's an old picture.

It's like two years old.

So?

Now you remember when it was

taken.

Do you remember where?

What do you want me to do,

lie to you and tell you I used

a self timer?

My ex boyfriend took it.

Hello?

Hi.

Are you all right?

No.

Why haven't I ever seen this

before?

Honey, why is it such a big

deal?

You're always asking for photos

at work.

I thought you'd like it.

You thought I'd like looking at

a memory of you

with your ex?

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

I mean. That phone call proves

everything.

Even his boyfriend's

suspicious.

Suspicious codependents aren't

that hard to come by,

especially if they're g*y.

And all the phone call proves

is that you were hiding under

their bed.

Darren, you leave a life of

luxury,

to live in a paper thin cave,

and break into strangers' homes?

Have you completely lost your

mind?

I should've gone through the

hamper and checked his pockets.

Who cares about his pockets.

You need to think about your

own pockets

and how you're gonna line them

from now on.

Christ, the least you could've

done was rob them.

I need to call Leigh back

Leigh?

Is he encouraging this behavior?

Of course he is, he's probably

writing a movie about it.

Hey. Um.

No, I got out.

Um. The boyfriend?

Very suspicious.

He's really mistrustful.

I heard them talking -

I'm just. I'm gonna go.

Hey, hold on a sec.

No, no no no no.

No.

Could you stay?

I was hoping you'd shave my

back for me?

It's grown out to the point

where I can't go to the pool.

I'm gonna go, but I'm glad to

see you've learned how to

burgle.

Hello?

Hey, listen.

The object of your distrust is

down here at the gym.

And I just heard him on the

phone with someone,

saying that he's gonna meet

them downtown in half an hour.

Hold on.

I've got another call.

Hello?

You not busy Thursday night,

are you?

There's someone you have to

meet.

Oh yeah? Who?

His name's Walt DePore,

he owns a very successful

business,

he's adorable,

and I'm sure it would be his

honor to shave your back

for as long as you both shall

live!

What're we having?

I don't know, pasta or

something.

Bring an appetite.

I'll meet you in five minutes.

Um. You have an aluminum bat in

your car?

Yeah!

Why?

Well, I don't trust myself to

own a firearm.

And so I feel like, if sh*t

went down,

anyone can bust out a g*n,

but if I come at them with

this, and just start screaming?

Yeah.

So. This dumb girl I work with

- who I hate -

invited me to this shrimp party.

What the f*ck is a shrimp

party?

I have no idea, but she said

that

I have to bring my own chair,

side item,

and booze.

Mm-mm.

Yeah! What incentive is that?

For people who have to drive

twenty minutes

across town when I can go to

f*ck' Red Lobster

down the street, where shrimp

is bottomless,

and I don't have to put up with

people

that I f*cking hate that I have

to deal with all the time

anyway?

And you get those cheddar

biscuit things.

Those are good.

Where is she getting the shrimp?

Is she catching it?

I don't know.

Maybe she's married to a

fisherman.

I try not to ask her too much

about herself,

cause that gives her the

impression that I care.

I think going to a party she's

having and bringing a chair,

side item, and alcohol gives

her the impression that you

care.

I didn't say I was going.

I just said she invited me.

Kay.

So how's your friend?

What friend?

Your friend in building four.

He's fine I guess.

I mean he was fine the last

time I saw him.

Has it always been casual?

Define casual.

Has it always been about sex

or have you guys ever dated?

Eh. I mean it's pretty much

always been about sex.

We never dated, if you mean

like,

take me to dinner and a movie.

No, that's never happened.

Then what do you guys do?

You just go over there?

And - I mean - what?

You go to the gym, and go over

there and screw?

Do you spend the night?

Yeah. Usually.

Okay. I mean that's not all we

do.

So it's a nocturnal

relationship?

If that's how you choose to

define it.

We were friends before.

How long?

About five years.

So, you were legitimately

friends?

Yeah!

When did sex come into it?

I don't know. It was kinda

weird.

He just... asked me to come

over one night

and it just kinda happened.

I mean it's nice and enjoyable

and...

he doesn't mind seeing me naked,

so, I guess, you know, that's a

plus.

Have you always been attracted

to him?

Yeah.

We've always really gotten

along.

Do you ever have sex during the

day?

Yeah that's happened some.

You guys both get a day off at

the same time.

I don't know, we don't have a

schedule.

It's not like on each one of

our refrigerators there's a

schedule.

Look. I'm about to cut my

f*ck' arm off.

Why?

My f*ck elbow it's just been

so dry.

And it's just the left one, and

I try everything.

I try lotion, cream. Nothin

works.

Um.

Oh my God.

Our elbows were separated at

birth.

No, for real. I've got-

What do you use?

Because I've got this cocoa

butter.

I just told you that nothin'

else works.

I've got this cocoa butter

cream that every other part of

my body?

Fine.

I've used a loofah and

washcloth in the shower..

I've scrubbed it to the point

where it's bled.

Nothing. It's just forever

ashy.

I know exactly what you mean,

it sucks.

I'm telling you it's an

epidemic.

They need to do a special on it.

Dry elbows.

And how they're ruining

America.

Um.

What?

All right.

So he's probably having an

affair.

That guy looks like Taylor

Lautner.

Who?

You know there are other ways

of getting the truth

without having to stalk a

person.

What do you mean?

Well, generally when you're

more familiar with someone,

the easier it is to get them to

reveal sh*t.

How am I supposed to do that?

He's your neighbor, D, just

borrow some sugar.

Start a conversation.

You're joking.

What would I say?

All right, you said something

about him needing new headshots.

So I'm going to make you some

business cards.

Just drop one in his mailbox,

he'll give you a call,

you will have his number,

and before you know it he'll be

in your apartment

ready to pose.

Since he doesn't have to drive

home,

it'd be kind of impolite not to

stay for a drink.

I wasn't thinking.

I overreacted, I'm sorry.

No, honey, it was completely

inappropriate.

I wasn't thinking.

I'm sorry.

I overreacted.

Is this why you haven't been

going to the pool lately?

Maybe.

Well, let's do it.

Just let me pee first.

Joe, shut up.

It used to be a lot worse,

but my ex had a colleague try

the laser removal.

Oh, it didn't work?

No, not entirely, no, but you

know

I'd like to have the rest

removed one day

when I can afford to.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Yeah, well, it's lookin' pretty

broke to me.

It's the way you're made, kid.

Yeah, well, women were made

with hair under their arms,

on their legs, and sometimes

their upper lips,

you don't see them walking

around town looking like beasts.

I've been trying to think of

some money making schemes

lately.

Not for laser removal?

No. Other than being

broke and having bills

I can't pay, I don't know, maybe

I want to start taking some

classes in the fall,

but I'm thinking my credit

needs some improvement

before that can happen.

Are you coasting on credit?

I'm living on credit.

What do you know about ebay?

What about it?

People can actually sell stuff

on there and it works?

Yeah. People do it all the

time.

What do you want to sell?

Um. I don't know,

I mean, I've got a sh*t ton of

movies

and a lot of records that I'm

guessing are pretty rare.

Yeah, I think people would eat

those up.

You ever used ebay?

Uh, once.

There was this gorgeous upright

from 1880, pale green,

and in God awful disrepair, but

I didn't care,

I wanted it for the looks. It

was $10.80.

Sure, $10.80 is great for a

piano, but it wasn't until

after I'd won the g*dd*mn thing

that I realized it was halfway

across the country

and shipping would be a

nightmare.

Um, so, I wrote them a check

for $11,

apologized profusely for the

inconvenience,

but by that time they had left

me horrible feedback

and ebay had suspended my

account.

I'll get your records listed.

If you don't mind.

I don't mind, actually.

By the way, why'd you take that

key?

You knew?

Of course I knew.

Five keys and one goes missing?

Uh. Why didn't you say

anything?

Darren, I gave you pot.

A great deal of pot, actually.

I can't exactly report you for

taking a key.

But, you know, I am awfully

curious.

Do you wanna tell me why you

took it?

No.

Who is this person?

You told me to bring an

appetite.

Cute.

You're always trying to fix me

up with someone

just because he has money.

That is not the only reason I'm

trying to fix you up with Walt!

It's not?

No! Walt is.. lovely.

Uh huh.

Well, let's see if he can get

along with my friend.

So, uh, when did you get all

that?

Oh it's taken years.

Really?

Uh huh.

It's cute, I really like it.

Yeah. It's quite an investment.

Yeah, there's still some more

that I wanna add to it.

Oh yeah?

Uh huh.

Like what were you thinking

about adding?

I was thinking about adding

maybe E.T. in drag.

In drag?

Not like Priscilla, Queen of

the Desert drag,

but like how E.T. was in the

movie,

with the blonde wig and pearl

necklace.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah.

I love that she has a Freddy

Krueger hand.

Like she's k*lling people in

their dreams.

So. How long have you known

Greg?

A long time.

Those shoes would look

fantastic on you.

They do.

You should borrow them.

I don't know what occasion

you'd wear them for.

For work? Where would I not

wear them?

I thought that you did weddings?

I thought that was your deal?

I do a lot of weddings.

Like, how many do you do?

How many have you done this

year?

Twenty eight, so far.

But after -

A lot!

But after the next one,

I have two months off to

reclaim my position as a

celebutante!

What the f*ck is that?

So how'd you meet Greg?

Oh, we met at some get together

a while ago.

Some business professionals

thing?

Yeah.

Something like that.

Yeah he's incredible.

You know, he's - he paints, too.

Yeah?

Full of surprises.

Look at this little guy.

Yeah. He's really imaginative.

Yeah, look, she's like a pie

secretary.

She's on the phone telling her

boss's lies.

Her boss the pie.

That f*ck!

And then, run and get the

coffee while a smile

hides the rage in your eyes.

Yeah.

I know, it's -

She's pissed.

Well, her boss.

And then this one is my

favorite one

because it's "tonight she's

searching for a reason

as she's walking home alone in

the rain."

And I really like that she's so

sad

and when a pie cries... it's so

sad.

Yeah.

Anytime a pie cries it hurts me

in the feelings.

Mm-hmm.

Do you like to fish?

Are you a fisherman, Walt?

Yes. I'm an avid

offshore fisherman.

I don't know, I've never really

fished

except for maybe once when I

was five.

We could take my boat out this

weekend maybe.

Who's calling you?!

It's this as*h*le Christian TV

personality.

I thought you were supposed to

call them.

Well this one will not

leave me alone.

What he's want? To save your

soul?

No. I don't know.

But I keep telling him that I'm

not into f*cking fishes and

loaves.

I'm into cake and sodomy, thank

you!

Right, and he doesn't get it,

huh?

No!

That's f*cking gross.

He's gonna end up married with

like three kids.

It's so sad.

That is sad.

I mean. I don't know why I

can't just meet like a nice

Ret*rded guy

like Giovanni Ribisi in "The

Other Sister."

Oh yes he's so cute.

He is. I mean, I would date him.

That's not weird, at all.

No, no, no, no.

I would totally... I would date

Rain Man.

Have you ever been to Sicily?

No, I have not.

I just got back. Visisted the

Palatine Chapel.

Mmm.

Yeah. A Jesus thing.

We can't go to Vegas, because

they're too smart,

but I think Atlantic City might

work.

You take him and he'll count

the cards,

or if you drop a box of

toothpicks, you just ask him,

"how many is that?"

How many are those?!

"Four hundred

and twenty five!"

He just knows it.

He just knows.

Listen, though, I think the

charm would eventually just

wear off,

cause look, I can't even cut up

my own god damn food,

let alone my date's.

Who needs to cut food?

Just order it already cut.

You can't order a steak already

cut.

It's called chopped steak.

I don't like that sh*t.

We spent a breezy afternoon

right there at Porticello.

Just, just looking outside at

the gulf.

Right there.

Financial stability is very

important.

Not as important as not

throwing up

when someone takes their

clothes off.

Coffee.

Coffee?! So soon?!

Don't tell me the night's

almost over.

Hi.

Look at you.

You off today?

I am off today.

Guess what?

What?

Your records sold.

What?

Yeah.

Which ones?

All of 'em.

What?

Yeah. So, we need to get them

packaged up

and I'll teach you how to use

your PayPal account.

Oh. Well, I already have one of

those.

Oh, okay. Well, first, I

thought we'd take a drive

and listen to this.

What the hell is that?

It's an iPod. It's yours.

Why'd you do this?

Well, I figured you'd need some

music to listen to.

What'd you put on it?

Your records.

Hello?

Hello? Darren?

This is he.

Hi, Darren, I found one of your

cards in the mail.

I'd like to see about

scheduling a sh**t.

Nothing elaborate, just a few

headshots.

Uhh... can I have your name?

Um, okay,

he's going to be here tomorrow.

Well, after you're finished,

be sure to ask him to stay for

a drink.

Then what?

Then call me back.

Let me know what happens.

This'll make a great movie.

I hate this movie.

What?

My Boyfriend's Hotter Than

Yours.

Want a drink?

Nah, I'm okay, thanks though.

Nothing?

Yeah. I'm in AA.

Oh. Gotcha.

I used to think it was the only

way I could have fun.

But, hey, how do you think it

went?

How do you think the photos are

gonna turn out?

Great. I mean, you're, uh, very

photogenic.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Seth Rogen? David Duchovny?

Rainn Wilson? Rob Zombie? ..

and Alan Rickman?

Yeah. Dirty Mash.

Mash. Like, "mansion,

apartment, shack, house?"

Yeah.

My sister and her friends used

to play that

all the time when we were

little.

Lick, bite, f*ck, suck?

I can see why it's dirty.

Wanna play?

George Clooney.

Mm-hmm.

Uh. Colin Farrell.

Taylor Lautner.

What?

I used to know someone

that looked like him.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Who?

What?

He's f*ck somebody else.

What?

He's over there with somebody

else.

I thought you were just friends.

Are you okay?

No!

So what'd you guys do?

How'd you get him to stay?

Uh. We played a game.

Played a game

What'd you find out?

Well, innocently enough,

he's been meeting up with an

old friend.

Someone he used to be in love

with.

Someone who ran out on him

without explanation

and left him to wonder why.

And over the summer, he called

me out of the blue.

Confessed his love for me.

Apologized for running away and

blamed it

on his abandonment issues.

You know, leave before you get

left.

And then he said we should try

again.

What'd he expect me to say?

"Let's go to New York! Let's

get married!"

He wouldn't back down,

so I've been taking him out to

coffee,

get a small bite to eat,

mainly because I feel bad for

him.

I just don't wanna be another

person

who walks out on him in his

life, you know?

So it makes it really difficult

to try to explain -

Why you've been seeing Taylor

Lautner?

Yeah.

So you've been seeing

him?

It's not what you think.

I want you out - Honey.

I want you to pack up your sh*t

and I want you out of here.

It's not what you think!

It's not what I think?!

Babe, I pay your phone bill,

remember?

I see how often the two of you

f*cking correspond.

I'm on a month to month lease,

and, I just, I want to be

closer to the record store

and to the college, you know?

I mean, I wouldn't move far,

just downtown,

I just, you know, if I sell my

car,

and maybe see about taking out

a loan,

I could start classes

relatively soon and...

Joe.

You've helped me get back on my

feet.

I just need to start doing

things for myself.

Otherwise, I may never know

how.

Oh, Luce, thank you.

Dude, don't even mention it.

It was like ten dollars on

Amazon.

What?!

Yeah.

Why is he biting her?

I don't know.

I guess, cause, at first, she

was like

"I don't think I want this at

all."

BOOM!

I know. It's like,

if you're trying to be

discreet, you're gonna fail.

Her husband could walk in at

anytime.

He's about to!

I know, but they don't care.

And what are they on, like a

stove?

Um, yeah. Like, it looks like

one of those stoves

they make hash browns on at a

Waffle House.

It's a diner!

That does not attract me at all.

Who put?

There he is - he looks familiar.

He is the g*y gym teacher in

Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2.

Oh, my God.

Yeah!

The one that picks up when like

Freddie's taking over

in the leather bar and takes

him back to the school.

Uh huh. God, that movie is so

g*y.

He gets tied up. Like, whipped,

with a jump rope.

Mm-hmm.

I don't understand how he did

not hear or sense or smell

what was going on in there.

Smell?!

Yeah!

And he's holding a g*n.

I know! Why did he have the

g*n, anyway?

I can't remember.

Was he like a hunter?

Does he wish he was Charlton

Heston?

Doesn't everybody?

Why is he wiping off his mouth?

Uh.

Well, he does have a

mustache.

Juice.

Yeah but Charlton Heston when?

Like in that movie. "Moses" or

whatever.

Moses?

Whatever movie he it is that

was awesome.

The Ten Commandments?

Yeah.

His life was pretty shitty from

day one.

He was put in a basket. Like,

abandoned.

He lived to be really old, I

think.

He was doomed.

We're all doomed.

I mean most events in the Bible

aren't very fun.

Someone's getting tortured,

hurt, upset.

I know. It's really kinda

bloody.

Shitty things happen a lot.

g*y cities get destroyed.

Right.

Women having babies,

and they didn't even get to do

it first.

What's the incentive of that?

You didn't get to -

Mary originated I "Didn't Know

I was Pregnant."

I would probably want to be

around

when all that money changing

thing happened.

When Jesus gets pissed.

Whenever he catches the money

changers.

You know what I'm talking about.

Remember that story?

I never actually read it.

Hey, is that all that's left?

Yep.

What time's that guy coming by

for your couch?

I don't know. He said five, so

I guess anytime now.

If he's not here by 5:30, it's

mine.

I said I'd get those.

Then you shoulda gotten it.

All right, kiddo, you're all

set.

Is there something we need to

talk about?

No?