Eating Out: The Open Weekend (2011)

[bunniefuu]

Lilly's throwing

a fit out in the car.

She wants us to hurry.

What are you doing?

Having fun.

Join in.

Come on, Zack.

Enjoy the ride.

Zack?

Hello?

Are you listening?

Huh?

Sorry, I was just thinking

about this g*y resort

we're going to.

You make it sound

like a bad thing.

We won a free vacation,

and it's g*y.

What more could you want?

Is it the open thing?

We talked about this.

I know.

It's just for the weekend,

but I'm nervous.

I mean, I was always

the last one picked in gym class.

I don't want to lose you,

but it's something

that's in my gut.

I'm just not ready

to limit myself sexually.

So if we can't do this,

we should just be honest

and break up.

I don't want to break up.

I don't either.

And I do like sex.

Picture the entire

Manhunt website

stuffed into one hotel.

We could have so much fun...

together.

It's just that sleeping

with other guys

is not how I imagined

my relationship.

Come on.

Its one open weekend.

At least try it.

Okay.

One open weekend.

Yay.

I lurve you.

I lurve you, too.

You guys need to talk?



We can dance,

we can dance

We can dance all night

We can dance,

we can dance

We can dance all night

Tonight is the night

I'm gonna make you mine

There's a feeling

in the air

I can't deny

Tonight we're gonna dance

I'll be your partner

in crime

Got me on another level

I'll show you what I

When I touch you,

my hands catch fire

I can't stop dancing

Take me higher

Feel so good,

I think I'm flying

Put your hands up

Let's go higher

Take my hand

and hold on tight

'Cause when I'm with you,

it feels so right

Don't let go

Let's dance all night

We can dance,

we can dance

We can dance all night

Take my hand

and hold on tight

'Cause when I'm with you,

it feels so right

Don't let go

Let's dance all night

We can dance,

we can dance

We can dance all night

Take my hand

and hold on tight

When I'm with you,

it feels so right

Don't let go

Let's dance all night

We can dance,

we can dance

We can dance all night

Just my luck

to win a free vacation

to a resort

that's totally gayified.

I know.

Remember when I asked

what could possibly be gayer

than Drama Camp?

Screw you, too.

- Excuse me?

- Look around.

You're in f*cking paradise,

surrounded by beautiful men.

And it's free.

Now drop your uppity

Katy Perry attitudes,

or the computer

might accidentally eat your reservations.

You're right.

I'll just uh tie a flashlight

to my head,

act like Lady Gaga,

and the men will flock to me.

Now, that's the spirit.

And here they are.

I think the batteries are dead.

You know that's not

a flashlight, right?

Now, that is how you attract

the boys around here--

With sweet, sweet nectar.

Oh, come on Casey.

If I wasn't me, I'd totally

be laughing right now.

What's wrong with you?

My ex-boyfriend

and his new boyfriend just texted.

They're here staying in Room 3.

Your keys.

Room 4.

Hey, I'm supposed to get

my own room.

And I'm supposed to be nice

to customers.

- Next!

- What? Wait.

If you're gonna cry

like Baby Jesus,

I can put you out back

in the manger.

Oh, my God, we share a bed.

Welcome to the Triangle Inn.

Eh, Eh.

Come on.

You have really nice energy.

Well, at least Zack

will be with his boyfriend,

so you don't have to watch

him wh*re it up with a...

never ending parade

of man-wh*res with muscles

and huge sacks of ball-age.

I'm ready to leave. Now.

No, Casey you can't!

This is too much for me.

I need to call some

more experienced f*g hags.

Hello?

This better be good.

Casey's wussing out

because Zack's here,

and there's lots

of hot guys, too.

Do I even know you?

Honey, just pretend

he doesn't exist.

Gays do that all the time

to with their exes.

It's the mature thing to do.

I can't ignore him.

He wants to work on our

friendship this weekend.

He wants us to normalize.

It's like when you put

a new fish in the tank,

you have to keep it

in the bag for a while

so the others

don't eat its eyes.

Girl voice, hush.

Casey, just be his friend

and have an obnoxious

amount of fun.

Show that assgoblin

what he's missing.

You can't be friends

after a break-up.

I thought you told him

that you wanted to be friends.

Everyone says that.

It's just so you can go

around telling people

you're still friends.

Wait, whose side did I take

in this break up?

Do I even like you?

You took my side.

You knew me first.

Oh, is that how that works?

Look, honey, this weekend

is not about Zack.

Just concentrate on having

a really good time.

Aunt Helen,

are you having sex in my bed?

I wouldn't call it sex.

The best thing to do is to find someone

hotter than Zack and f*ck him.

And what are you doing?

It's a long story.

I'll explain it in the sequel.

Gotta go.

Bye.

So I guess my goal this weekend

is to stay distracted.

My goal is to watch

two men have sex.

You've seen that.

It doesn't count

when it's on stage.

Here it's like I'm on a safari

watching lions and gazelles

tear each other up

in a frenzy of flesh

and spermicidal lubricant.

Wouldn't you actually

rather just have sex?

What, with a g*y man?

And wind up with

a vag*na full of vomit?

Been there.

Oh my God, my straight-dar

just went off.

Maybe I could lose

my virginity on this trip.

Tell me what happened,

but I'm gonna stop you

if I get bored.

He doesn't want to limit

himself sexually.

How Catholic.

Miami Beach or Black Giraffe.

Which says "Look at me"

without saying "desperate for attention"?

I ordered c*ck.

I figured we'd need them.

Why, hello.

How are you?

Heterosexual.

How about you?

I am straight, yes.

I wasn't expecting

any of that here.

Well, I'm full of surprises.

- Are you flirting with me?

- Should I stop?

Only if it doesn't work.

Lilly, come on.

Sorry, I have to go feed

my gayby.

It's like c*ck roulette

out here.

You should have no problem

finding a rebound.

Hmm. I don't do rebounds.

Rebounds are my specialty.

- Peter?

- Casey.

I thought that was you.

What are you doing here?

I didn't know you were g*y.

What are you doing here?

I didn't know you were a sl*t.

Oh, my God, this is crazy.

Umm. In high school, he was--

The h*m* jock?

I've seen Glee.

God, I wish.

I was fat.

- No.

- And shy.

When did you get so-- so hot?

In college.

I turned g*y,

I got rid of my braces,

and I got these.

Wow.

Is that, like, a 50-pack?

Feel them.

Its like The Situation,

just without the scabies.

Oh, cool.

Is it me, or does something

smell really cummy?

So, Peter, are you single?

What's the point of coming

to a place like this

if you're not single?

Casey's single, too.

Oh, my God.

You and I are gonna get

into so much trouble.

Anyway, I gotta go meet

with a buddy

to play some strip tennis,

but tonight, sarong party.

I will find you.

I will make sure I'm findable.

So amazing seeing you, Casey.

I used to have

the biggest crush on this one.

He totally wants you

inside of--

He wants the Million Man March

inside of him.

Aw, poor thing.

Let's go get you to our room

and download some

"It Gets Better" videos.

So tell me, what are the rules

to this open relationship?

Well, we're just trying it

for the weekend,

but other than that

we don't have any rules.

You need to have rules,

or someone's gonna get hurt,

like do you kiss and tell,

three-ways only?

Is he allowed

to get punch f*cked

by hairy strangers

right here in your bed?

- You know the worst part?

- STDs?

I have to compete

with my own boyfriend to meet guys,

and he'll win every time

because he's the hot one.

Now I know how Casey felt

when he was dating me.

- Well, I got good news.

- What?

I finally got the date

on my surgery.

The big one.

The lower one.

- Make a face like that again.

- Sorry.

Congratulations.

That's huge.

Way more important

than my drama.

Thank you.

So do you really think

it's going to change everything?

In my mind I know

it's just a simple procedure

and a lot of people won't

even know the difference,

but I feel like when I wake up

from this,

I'll finally be me.

- Well, then let's celebrate.

- Yes.

This weekend will be

a c*ck-and-ball funeral.

Let's find that straight boy

and get more drinks.

Ooh, baby.

There are so many hot guys here.

Okay, we need to lay down

some rules.

Rules?

Yeah, like no hooking up

in our bed.

Technically, it's not our bed.

Benji.

Okay, I just don't get

why you need rules.

It's our right as g*y men

to make any kind

of relationship we want.

If they're not gonna let us

get married,

why should we follow

their rules?

Non-monogamy

is the ultimate political statement.

Uh, I don't see

how two dicks in your mouth

is a political statement.

We owe it to future generations.

Casey's here.

Operation Awkward.

Okay, rule number two--

No ex-boyfriends.

I'll see you later.

I'm not pathetic.

I'm having the best time

of my life,

and I am a total 7.

Hey, Zack.

Oh, wow, I love your--

Uh, chest hair.

God, I've missed you.

How're you doing?

Um, me?

I'm--

I'm great, actually.

How can you not be

with all these studs around, you know?

Yeah, lots of studs.

Oh, just throwing

themselves at me--

How could I resist?

You met someone already?

Well, I guess I'm kind

of a d*ck magnet.

I never thought of you

as a hook-up guy.

Oh, this wasn't just a hook up.

We-- We really

just hit it off.

Oh.

Where's your Casanova now?

He's-- He's sleeping.

Guess I wore him out.

Wow. That's great.

We should do a double date

while we're here.

Yeah. Oh, definitely.

Ah, so how are you and Benji?

Having a good time?

- The best.

- Great.

So tomorrow, brunch?

- Huh?

- Double date with your new boo?

Um, yeah.

Sure. Sure...

Awesome.

See? We can do this.

Be friends.

Friendship rocks.

- This is the perfect place to

find your meat puppet. - My what?

Some big dumb jock

who will pretend to be

in love with you

for a free brunch

and some rebound MuMa.

- MuMa?

- Mutual Masturbation.

Even I knew that.

What about... him?

Oh, he's cute.

I'd definitely MuMa him.

He's not wearing any underwear.

None of them are.

It's customary, I think.

So I can just run around

accidentally fondling

big shiny ding dongs?

I think they'd be insulted

if you didn't.

You are the hottest guy here.

Okay, okay.

You are the hottest guy here.

Is it bad that I want him

to say that to me again?

You can almost see the crabs

leaping from one torso

to the other.

- Jerry?

- In the very loose flesh.

This is Bernard, my fianc.

- Hello.

- I'm Penny, hag-in-training.

Fianc- wow.

We're getting legally married

this weekend.

What?

You haven't heard about

the Liberace Loophole?

Who's Liberace?

Think George Michael,

only sluttier.

Who's George Michael?

Think Adam Lambert,

but with plastic surgery and success.

Oh, okay.

Anyway, because of some

legislative screw-up,

there's a one hour window

in which it will be

legally permissible

for gays to marry.

We're staying over

at the Hacienda resort

and they're offering

free weddings

for any couple who wants

to take advantage of the opening.

I love to taking advantage

of openings.

As you can see,

he shares my inappropriate

and pedestrian sense of humor.

Well, I totally be

your flower girl.

Where's that strapping young

boyfriend of yours?

Um, it's-- it's a long story.

Oh, honey, what happened?

I thought you were as steady

as Barack and Michelle.

Well, he's...

here.

Gotta go.

- Youth.

- The trolls of tomorrow.

What're you doing to my d*ck?

Nothing.

Peter, here's the deal.

Oh, God, those abs.

Casey did a really stupid thing

and lied to his ex

that he met someone here

because he didn't want

to look like the loser

that he may very well be,

so we need you to pretend

to be Casey's boyfriend.

No way.

I'm here to get my sex on.

Please, for old time's sake?

We didn't hang out at all

in high school.

So you've got

a lot of catching up to do.

Look, I'm all

for hooking with you.

But I'm not in a place

where I can date right now,

pretend or otherwise.

Wait, you're

all for hooking up with me?

sh*t.

Is this your new boyfriend?

Um...

Hi, I'm Peter.

I'm Zack.

This is my--

Benji.

Your dish towel's slipping.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Are we on for tomorrow morning?

Uh, I don't know.

Are we free

for brunch tomorrow, baby?

As long as it starts

after 3:00 p.m.

'Cause we'll be up

all night making love.

Right, lover?

Something like that,

my sweet little as*h*le.

Great.

Well, we're gonna go dance.

You are so buying me drinks

the rest of the weekend.

Fingers to the head,

to the toes

Like some kind of rose

Like something

you'd notice

In a room full of confusion

And illusion

and delusion

There's someone saying

something to you

But what can you do?

You're just hoping

and hoping

But a rose is just a rose

Until she's

underneath your nose

And you see her

in the room

And you smell

her perfume

What a fuss, and she's

just the one for us

You're taking it

in stride, but you know

That people you know

are beginning to notice

Your words full of confusion

and illusion and delusion

And the girl you brought

to party with you

- Have fun?

- Yeah.

Busy steam room here.

How bout you?

Yep.

Oh, really?

You met someone?

Mm...

Well, congratulations, tr*mp.

Hey, maybe we can get

a little threesome going?

I saw you come out of that room.

I can't believe you had

a threesome before brunch.

Oh, my God, a g*y guy's acting slutty.

Call TMZ.

Just be careful, all right?

If Zack sees you with someone

who isn't me, it's all over.

Come on.

We're late for brunch.

I haven't showered.

Do I smell like sex?

Everything here smells like sex.

We should get married.

What?

They're doing those legal

weddings for one hour tomorrow.

The more g*y couples who marry,

the bigger

the impact on society.

We should get married

to make a political statement.

Yesterday you wanted

to have an orgy

to make a political statement.

Now you want to get married?

What's wrong?

You've been acting like

Kristen Stewart all morning.

I'm fine.

No, I know that Zacky pout...

You wanna know what's wrong?

- I'm upset because--

- Hey, you guys.

Here we are.

Lilly, I was looking for you.

It's Penny.

Since we're the only two

straight girls here,

we should probably hang out.

Okay, but stop smiling.

You're giving me a headache.

How'd you two meet?

We go way back to high school.

I thought you said

you met yesterday.

Well, we g*y met yesterday.

He never paid attention

to me in high school,

but this time...

sparks.

Sparks are what it's all about.

Right, honey?

Mm-hm.

Sparks.

Looks like they're having

a really nice time.

Are you kidding?

Okay, check out your

pigmentally challenged friend.

He has his hands all over

that Ryan Phillippe/

Kwanten/Reynolds guy,

but his eyes are on Zack.

So looks like you two can't

get enough of each other.

Oh, I know.

I mean, look at us.

We're practically making love.

Nope.

We can't keep our hands

off of each other.

Oh, my God, it's huge.

Surprises me every time.

Should you two be doing

that in public?

The sign doesn't say

public resort.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Not without kissing anyway.

Excellent idea.

Nice.

That gets me hot.

I will never truly

understand the gays.

You don't even understand

the Wheel of Fortune.

Good afternoon,

beautiful ladies.

Hello, I-- we--

Hola, Luis.

I met Luis earlier.

So did I.

Like eye contact met.

Remember?

Can I bring you

something else to drink?

Oh, I'm good. Oh.

Oh, Allow me to clean you up.

Oh, Jesus.

That is not how

a g*y man touches boobs.

- I knew you were straight.

- You are correct.

Why would a straight guy

want to work here?

There are many reasons

to work here,

many beautiful reasons.

I am going to bring you

another drink.

That is who I'm giving

my virginity to.

Back off.

We flirted yesterday.

We've established something.

But he touched my breast.

Normally I would never fight

with another woman

over a man, but f*ck it.

I'm bored.

It's on.

Ew.

We should do brunch

with them again.

Are you kidding?

That was awful.

Huh?

We spent the entire time

pretending to be

something we're not--

Happily monogamous.

Don't try to make me

the bad guy here.

You agreed to be open

this weekend.

You could've said no.

What possessed me

to break up with Zack

and then try to be friends

with him?

I mean, you'd think

I would've learned

from every relationship

Jennifer Aniston's ever had.

You broke up with him

because you loved him,

and you want be friends with him

because you still love him.

Unfortunately, he loves Benji.

Don't remind me.

Did you see them

all over each other today,

like horny little monkeys?

There was a lot of horny

at that table.

It doesn't count

if you're faking it,

which, I was,

except for the erection part.

Casey and Peter

don't need to an open

relationship to be happy.

They've been together

for, like, five minutes,

and I can tell Peter's

already getting bored.

Is that how long it took you

to get bored with me?

Come on.

We're in the middle of nowhere

with hot guys

we'll never see again.

We can misbehave a little.

Then back to normal at home.

Yeah, but which

is the normal you?

This one or the one back home?

Peter is boning everything

in sight.

I'm gonna get busted,

and you know what?

I'll deserve it.

You know what always helps me

when I get into

this exact situation?

An ego boost.

Oh, my God,

you look amazing.

So do you.

Come on, now.

You made Zack

fall in love with you once.

It's not like you're Marmaduke.

Look at this face...

Madonna would pay good money

for cheekbones like those.

Especially for her face.

And you're funny and smart

and all the things some

wonderful, sexy stud

is gonna see in you as soon as

you start seeing it yourself.

Well, thank you, Mother.

Momma needs you to do

something for her.

- What?

- Wait for me at the bar.

You have to protect me from Lilly

while I move in on the guy she wants.

Are you serious?

It's your turn to be my hag.

These are perfection.

I shall call it "The Lilly."

Oh, my.

So how many lonely f*g hags

have you picked up here?

Not as much as you might think.

Don't give me that.

Tons of women get dragged here

by g*y friends

who dump them

for poppers and handjobs.

Um, I'm right here.

Yeah, but your brain isn't.

It's in Benji's pants

or Casey's a*s

or some sh*t like that.

It's not like that.

I just don't want Casey

to find out

about our open weekend thing.

What would happen

if Casey found out?

He'd say something like,

"You're better than being

in a relationship

that isn't working for you."

You make Casey

sound pretty smart.

But compromise is what being in

a relationship's all about, right?

I should give it a try before

throwing the whole thing away.

Well, here's your chance

to test your theory.

How's it going?

Okay.

You're great at this.

I'm Jaden.

You having fun this weekend?

Yeah, I'm liking

the peace and quiet.

Okay.

Actually,

that came out all wrong.

What I mean to say is

I'm having a great weekend...

now.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

That's so hot.

You tried the Jacuzzi yet?

Yeah.

But I could always go again.

I want to wrap my legs

around your face

like a pair of Bono sunglasses.

And then what?

sh*t.

Okay.

I gotta go.

Hey, Peter,

just saw your boyfriend

heading into the bar.

I don't mess with guys

in relationships.

It's too much drama.

Okay.

Wouldn't want to compromise

your morals.

See? Drama.

f*ck.

Holy sh*t.

He's cheating on Zack.

Hey Zackattack,

I brought you a present.

What is he doing here?

Your boyfriend wanted

to watch us do it.

- Consider him a peace offering.

- I don't know.

- Is he too fat?

- Am I what?

No, he's perfect, but...

Come on.

Your boyfriend's

really into this.

Plus, l bet you taste delicious.

Damn, guys, that's hot.

Oh, yeah, so hot...

Are you okay?

You're kinda limp down there.

Just pretend.

Suck it.

Suck it with that pretty mouth.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, do his face.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God, I'm close.

Me, too.

Oh, so close.

Oh, Fu...

I'm gonna come.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, yeah.

That was just...

all kinds of wrong.

Now I'll try to find someone

for you to watch me with.

One Lilly.

sh*t.

I can not let him see

her looking like that.

Penny, wait.

Penny.

Ay, dios mio.

Are you okay?

I think so.

Did you by any chance see me

before I fell in?

I am afraid I did not, no.

Shart.

But I am sure

you looked beautiful.

I'm so sorry, Penny.

- I didn't mean to.

- I bet you didn't.

These are yours--

Room number 4.

And...

Hormone pills?

These are your pills?

Yes, they're mine.

So what?

I get cramps.

Hey, lover.

Hi.

You know you c*ck-blocked me

and you weren't even

in the room.

Sorry about that.

Eh, it don't stay blocked

for long.

Pesky thing.

Hey, thanks for being

my pretend boyfriend.

I have to say this is

one of the most perverted

things I've ever done.

Did you really have a crush

on me in high school?

Absolutely.

You were so adorable.

Still are.

So, why don't you have

a boyfriend?

Maybe you haven't noticed,

but I'm kind of a sl*t.

I've noticed.

I'm just not the boyfriend type.

I'm definitely

the boyfriend type.

That's part of

what makes you so hot.

And why I haven't tried to go

to naked town with you.

I respect you.

That's really sweet, but...

I'd love to be

disrespected right now.

Will we ever

Will we ever get there?

Waiting on the horizon

For ships to come

There is something

to believe in again

Something's passing

through me

Like electricity

Constantly waiting

till I see you again

Running wild

I'm so sorry, Penny.

What were you thinking?

Honestly?

I didn't mean to knock you

in the pool.

I just didn't want Luis to see

you looking that good.

So you did do it on purpose.

No, I just said I didn't.

You said you didn't want him to

see me looking that gorgeous.

I didn't say gorgeous.

I can't believe I covered

for your stupid hormone pills.

That was really sweet of you.

Mind if I have them back now?

Like I told Luis,

they're mine.

You know he named

that drink after me?

It's called the Penny.

Will we ever,

will we ever get there?

Waiting on the horizon

I should tell Zack what I saw,

but he will totally hate me.

I'd wanna know if my boyfriend

was cheating on me.

Maybe they have

an open relationship.

- Really? Zack?

- I know.

So are you and Peter

a thing now?

No, it was just like,

friend sex,

really amazing friend sex.

- We're friends.

- Ew.

Please, like I'd waste my cherry

on your little pink baby corn.

What happened

with the bartender?

Hello. Have you seen

the bandage on my head?

Obviously there's

a terrible story behind it.

I wasn't sure

that was a bandage.

I mean sometimes

you dress kinda weird.

Damn, don't bruise me

before the underwear party.

They're all underwear parties.

Apparently, you can't have a wedding

without three nights of orgies.

First comes love,

then comes marriage.

But they never warn you about

the three ways in between.

I don't wanna lose

Benji over this.

- I normally love three-ways.

- Who doesn't?

I just don't want one

in my relationship.

Okay, that doesn't make

any sense.

If you fantasize about it,

why not share that

with your boyfriend?

I guess I'm over-thinking it.

I mean, last night

should have been totally hot.

Just give yourself over.

Over to what, studmuffin?

Absolute pleasure.

Last night

was just an appetizer.

Tonight...

we're having a real three-way.

I lurve you.

I lurve you, too.

It's underwear night.

Why aren't you in your panties?

I miss wearing clothes.

Well, I have plans for tonight,

so the room is free

for whatever you need to do,

say bring a certain someone

back to it and get it on?

Don't bother.

I don't plan on using it.

Then the room

will sit there empty.

Fine by me.

Come on, Casey.

This is your life.

Get out there and live it.

You make everything sound

like a Tweet from Oprah.

I forgot

how much I love ordering in.

Oh, what about this guy?

Versatile top loves group play.

Ooh, 5'1"? Sixty-nining

short guys cramps my neck.

We don't have to do this

if you don't--

Whoa, what about him?

Hmm, not my type.

How 'bout that guy?

No, thanks.

He looks 12.

He looks a hundred.

He looks like Rachel Maddow.

Whoa.

Super hot.

It says he's only looking

for friendship.

Let's see if he wants

to be our friend.

If I were

a stupid, heartless b*tch,

where would I hide

someone's meds?

Casey.

Figures.

Where are they?

Ugh. Harry Potter vibrator?

I'm on

a man hunt, man hunt

I'm not looking

for the one

I'm on

a man hunt, man hunt

I didn't think finding a three-way

would be so complicated.

Well, when you're matching

three checklists

against each other,

it gets pretty elaborate.

It's a good thing

I studied calculus.

Hey, let's split up

and meet back up in 30.

See what we can rustle up

on our own?

Okay.

Then I wonder

if sometimes

I just want to be alone

I'm on

a man hunt, man hunt

I just want a night of fun

I'm on

a man hunt, man hunt...

I'm not looking

for the one...

Look, I'm just gonna be

straight-up honest

because, what the hell,

I'm never gonna see you again.

I sensed some kind of

flirtation going on between us,

and, well, I'm a virgin,

and I really don't want

to be anymore,

so if you're not busy,

can we f*ck?

With condoms?

Your honesty is,

uh, sexy,

but can I be honest as well?

You're g*y.

No.

I just.

I know what those pills were.

I like women, real women.

But those were...

If you honestly think

that those pills make me

any less of a woman,

then you're not nearly

enough man for me.

Wait, I-- You--

Pedomierda.

Hey, Peter.

Yeah, the bar

is three blocks down

and two blocks west.

- See ya.

- Yeah I'm a person, too, you know.

Who was that?

Who was who?

That guy

you were just hitting on.

Ugh, I don't even wanna know.

Damn it.

Face it, Penny,

you'll die a virgin.

Time for some Quidditch.

Ooh!

Where's your boyfriend?

Um...

where is yours?

Oh, um, he's picking out...

underwear.

Oh.

Hey, um.

Can we go somewhere and talk?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, um, how about my room?

I wasn't hitting on that guy.

Come on.

It was more obvious

than the dent

in Anderson Cooper's forehead.

Something's weird about

your relationship with Casey.

Excuse me, Chelsea Lately,

but you and Zack seem to be

having problems of your own.

Why do you say that?

Well, for one, look at us.

Oh.

Go for the golden snitch.

Oh.

Oh.

Shart, shart, shart.

I might get to see some g*y sex.

Um, what's that?

Penny.

Ugh. It smells

like lima beans.

So there's nothing unusual

happening with you and Casey?

And there's nothing unusual

with you and Zack?

You first.

Let's go get Zack,

then find Casey,

then figure out what's going on.

Fine.

But real quick.

Much better.

Yup.

So I have to tell you something.

I saw something last night.

So did I.

Why do you think

we didn't work out?

I-- I don't know.

Um...

g*y guys can't have

long term relationships?

You know that's not true.

I guess maybe because we never

tried to spice things up?

What? You wanted

an open relationship?

No.

I know we're g*y,

and we're supposed to be able to make

up whatever kind of family we want,

but for me my family--

It's just gonna be one special

person standing beside me...

someone to grow old with,

even during the boring times.

I miss the boring times.

sh*t, wrong room.

Hello.

What's going on, guys?

Nothing.

I don't know. It looks

awfully horny in here.

Well, what are you two

doing together?

Looking for you guys.

What were you talking about?

How to keep the spark alive.

Yeah?

How do you guys do that?

Benji was doubting our sparks.

Well, we've got sparks,

right, Zack?

I can feel some sparks

right about now, in fact.

Um, we should get ready

for the party.

I'll go first.

Well, I don't need to change

in the bathroom

if you guys don't mind.

Yeah, go ahead.

- Damn.

- Damn.

Damn.

My underwear

are back in my room.

Hey, honey,

you got some underwear

I can borrow?

Yeah, check in my suitcase.

You look great

in those trunks, Zack.

Maybe I can try them on?

Y-You wanna try mine on?

Please?

He said please.

How do they look?

- They look good.

- Real good.

Except something's poking

out of 'em.

Oh, yeah.

I see that.

It'd be hard to miss.

Um, hi.

Come here, boyfriend.

Zack and I were...

Have never had break-up sex.

Ow.

That's hot.

Is this what you wanted?

Or this?

What's that?

Air conditioning?

Works for me.

Stay here.

Where's the condoms?

Over here.

Shh.

Get back up here, Casey.

Oh. Yes, sir.

So, who's doing who?

Whom.

Yeah, Zack.

Who's doing who?

Whom.

Well...

I think I wanna do...

I've had it.

What grabbed me.

There's a monster under the bed!

What the hell?

- What's going on?

- Hi.

And what were you doing

under there?

I was just masturbating.

I don't know what she was doing.

I was looking for my

medication this b*tch stole.

Then you guys came in and started

playing Human Centipede.

This is too messy for me.

You're part of this mess.

No, he's not.

Zack...

Peter and I aren't boyfriends.

We never were.

What?

I didn't want you

to feel sorry for me,

that you had

a boyfriend and I didn't,

so I asked Peter to pretend

that we were dating.

I knew it.

Well, not that,

but I knew something.

- I'm sorry.

- I should've known.

Everything you do involves

a giant conspiracy.

You should've just have been

honest with him.

That's priceless

coming from you, Benji.

I saw him bring a guy back

into your room last night.

That's what I wanted

to talk to you about.

- I can bring back whoever I want.

- Whomever.

'Cause Zack and I are

in an open relationship.

An open...?

I-- I didn't know.

Benji wanted us

to give it a try.

But why didn't...?

Wait a minute.

You're giving me

a hard time for lying,

when you've been lying about your

perfect relationship all along?

f*ck you.

Well, we're better

than you and I ever were.

Benji, c'mon.

These are the gays of our lives.

I cannot believe him.

When is he gonna grow up?

And you, what was that?

I'm sorry.

Maybe I can make it up to you?

Yeah, it's mostly political,

but I wanna make a statement...

with you.

We're not perfect,

but what couple is?

Marry me.

Tomorrow...

while it's legal.

Marry me.

Are you serious?

Fine.

That's so romantic.

So what am I so afraid of

If it's just you?

But, baby,

you're hot and cold

And maybe

you'll never know

Just what you want me to

Everything

I need you to say

Didn't talk

'cause I was so afraid

Everything

I need you to hear

Didn't talk

'cause I'm my latest fear

Hey.

Hop in.

Everything's better

after a Jacuzzi.

How're you feeling?

Like I just sat through the

first three Twilight movies.

That bad, huh?

Hey, I'm sorry about getting

you mixed up in all this.

It's okay.

This definitely makes

my top-ten kinky list.

And it was fun hanging out

with you.

And you know what?

You are a great kisser.

And you are packin'

the goods down there.

Thanks.

Zack's right, you know.

Every time I want to get

close to him, I just lie.

What is wrong with me?

Deep-seated insecurity.

Well how can I not have that

when I don't look like you?

Oh stop using the you're-better-looking-than-me

as a crutch, Casey.

We've all got sh*t

we're insecure about.

And what are you insecure about?

- Hmm...

- See?

I'm playin'.

Of course I'm insecure.

I'm insecure

that I spend so much time

trying to get laid

that I'll pass up

on a good opportunity

when something

meaningful comes my way.

I'm insecure that I can't

commit to a relationship ever.

And when I finally do,

once the sex with me

gets boring,

I won't have enough to offer.

And I'm insecure that my arms

aren't big enough.

My legs are too skinny.

- My hair is thin--

- Okay, shut up.

When we get back to the city,

we should hang out,

I want to go to bars,

meet some guys

now that I'm finally accepting

that Zack and I are over.

Yeah, I heard

about their wedding.

What?

You feel any better yet?

I feel like Mel Gibson

at the Museum of Tolerance.

Let's keep trying.

Here's what's really jacked.

I miss him.

The bean pole?

Yeah. That's why I wanted

to be friends with him.

On paper we're totally wrong

for each other.

He's all dorky

and self conscious.

He likes Gaga more than Madonna,

and he actually laughs

at clowns.

But...

But his goofy smile

just slays me every time.

He loves old movies.

We always order

the same thing on the menu.

And he always means well,

even when he's lying.

And from what I saw,

he's hung like

The Incredible Hulk.

Yeah, skinny guys

never fail to surprise.

And he's not

into open relationships.

I don't know.

Ask yourself something.

Why are talking about Casey

when you're about marry Benji?

- You look so good.

- You look so good.

Oh, it's our flower girl.

You can be my something blue.

Very funny.

Darlin', what's wrong?

Did Kathy Griffin

get another face-lift?

Zack's getting married.

Our Zack?

And he's in

an open relationship.

Oh, I hate his guts.

Oh, come now, there's too much

hate in the world already.

- You don't hate Zack.

- I know.

Maybe this is life giving you

one of those teachable moments

they're always talking about

on CNN.

Maybe you can put

a little more love

back in the world

by supporting Zack.

Are you kidding me?

I don't wanna see him get

married

to some guy who's not me.

But this isn't about you.

This is about someone you love.

And even though Zack

might not know it,

he needs your friendship.

Are you gonna be there for him?

Truce?

How did you know

I was behind you?

Transsexual sense.

We all have it.

You do?

Yeah, TSP.

So truce?

Truce.

What's the catch?

I think our fight

is actually pretty stupid.

It's just that since Jason,

I act like I'm confident

and I can find another

boyfriend whenever I want,

but...

- I'm scared.

- You and me both.

Oh, come on.

You have a natural born vag*na.

Just lay it out on plate,

and men come crawling.

But my personality

scares them off.

I wish I was more like you.

I can't believe a cis woman

just said that to me.

A what?

A non-transsexual.

Oh..

Buenos Dias, ladies.

He's all yours.

Oh, I'm mad at him.

It is hot today, isn't it?

God, it's hard to stay mad

at him.

Is he flirting with you or me?

He's playing with both of us.

I guess teasing g*y boys

isn't enough.

He has to get us women

to fight each other, too.

Let's go put that sexy

b*stard in his place.

- You've got ba*ls.

- That's not funny.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

I meant in the same way I do.

Just f*cking with you.

I know what you meant.

And do you,

Rick, promise to love Steve

for as both as you

long shall live?

- Well, duh.

- Great.

Congratulations.

So you heard.

Yeah.

I'm sorry that I lied to you.

I'm sorry, too.

Are you excited

for your wedding?

I don't know.

We're just getting married

to make a political statement.

I always pictured

a big beautiful wedding.

What, you in white?

Sunflowers everywhere.

A choir singing Ray of Light.

We'd write our own vows.

Aw, and they'd make us

cry when we read 'em.

And when the minister pronounced

us husband and husband...

We'd do a choreographed dance

to "Umbrella."

With umbrellas.

I-- I didn't mean we.

I meant you.

Do you do you need a best man?

What? Are you serious?

I know I haven't always

been the best man,

but...

I came here to tell you

that I want you in my life,

even if it is just

as your best man.

I get why you did it.

You wanted the best for me.

It's what best men do.

So does that mean I can do it?

But this isn't my real wedding.

Casey?

It's time.

This is his room.

So what's the plan?

I thought you had a plan?

That's because you're stupid.

Wait. What if he's

with someone?

You're right.

We should break in.

- What are you doing?

- Shh.

Come on, Luis.

Are you scared to face up

to the consequences

of the way you treat women?

I spy with my little eye

something that begins

with p*ssy.

I not scared.

I am naked.

Oh, my.

You are.

He's butt naked and circumcised.

Congratulations.

You can read.

What are you doing here?

You've been playing us against

each other this whole weekend.

Leading us on.

Naming the same drink

after both of us.

Ogling our bosoms.

What's the matter with you?

I sorry.

I just like the attention,

but I'm harmless.

You see,

no women will ever have me

because of my...

problem.

What problem?

Oh, Penny, I should not have

been so quick to judge you.

You are right.

It is not your anatomy that

makes you a beautiful woman.

So what, you're trans now?

I was trying to do

the right thing.

- Those were not your pills?

- No, they're mine,

and how is stealing

my identity the right thing?

Well, I guess you

had to be there.

It doesn't matter who is what.

You are both beautiful women.

And like so many beautiful

and cruel women before,

neither of you will have me

once you have seen my problem.

What's you're goddamned

problem already?

I was born with a tail.

Born with a what?

Whoa.

My mother, she thought

it was a sign from God,

so she made the doctors keep it,

and now that I am grown,

it is too dangerous

for them to take it out.

Because of this tail,

women scream

and I never make love.

I just flirt.

I kind of know exactly

where you're coming from.

So now what?

To be honest,

I'm having some really trashy

thoughts right now.

Me, too.

What is happening?

I don't think they have

a name for this in Spanish.

- No way.

- Not happening.

Let's just keep you

in the middle.

Maravillosa.

Quick question--

Can that thing get hard?

Jerry, you're the Aladdin

to my Jasmine,

the Weasley to my Hermione,

and the Brad to my Angelina

if they're still together.

Oh, Bernard,

I once loved someone and set him free.

He slept with a meth head

and ran off with a hairdresser.

Of course he did.

So now I'm gonna tie you down

while I can, okay?

You two are next.

We've assigned witnesses

unless you have

friends or family here.

Yeah, my best man

is their flower girl.

- Oh, but...

- But what?

Oh, my...

That means you two

are the ex and new boyfriend

he was so intimidated by?

- He told you?

- He told someone.

I just have really good hearing.

So he's gonna help

you guys get married?

Guys that good

are really hard to find.

Yeah, they are.

Love is never easy.

We won't always understand

each other.

We won't even like

each other some days,

but no matter what,

you're a part of me.

My heart is connected to yours,

and no argument, no document,

and certainly no court ruling

is ever going to change that.

And now, by the power

vested in me--

- Can we kiss already?

- Please, please.

So now I've had sex.

How does it feel?

It was good...

but not as good as cheesecake.

It never is.

There will be cheesecake

at the wedding reception.

The wedding.

Those old farts

sure took their time.

Okay, we've got five minutes

before the legal marriage

loophole closes.

You two ready?

Ready.

Aah, wait.

My tail is stuck.

Okay, we are here

to join Zachary and Benjamin

in rapid matrimony.

Marriage is a contract

that should not be entered into

lightly, blah, blah, blah,

we gotta hurry this up if you

guys wanna do this in time,

so does anyone object?

Anyone?

Someone objects.

Oh, God, her?

No. Sorry.

I wasn't--

Not forever holding my peace.

Okay, so do you Zachary

take Benjamin to be your lawfully

wedded partner for life?

I...

I...

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, sure by all means,

please do.

You've got several seconds.

We can't do this.

You don't even love me.

No, but I lurve you.

We're evolving,

and this is just a legal

procedure, that's it.

I know it is, for you.

That's not what marriage is

to me.

I'm not fighting

for the right to make

a political statement.

I'm asking my country

to recognize me

for who I am

and the family I want to make,

and this isn't it.

Are you saying you don't want

to make a family with me?

I guess I am.

I mean, I lurve you...

but...

I love somebody else.

You've always been there.

It's always been you.

It's always been you.

I just I didn't realize it...

Until now.

One minute.

One minute.

I'm really sorry.

Go ahead, kiss him.

You were my best friend,

then my boyfriend,

and then my best man,

- and now--

- Thirty seconds.

Is somebody going

to get married or what?

What a day it's been.

What a life it's going to be.

One Penny.

Ooh.

And one Lilly.

Thank you, Luis.

We're gonna miss you, Luis.

Oh, you will forget me

once you leave this place.

- Never.

- Probably.

Hm.

So how do you feel

now that you're a woman?

Not that different than before.

Just a little more...

I don't know, powerful.

I'll be asking you the same

question in a few weeks.

And you'll probably

get the same answer.

To a beautiful weekend.

To two beautiful women.

Cheers.

Shall we?

You're awful frisky

for a jilted groom.

Hey, it sucks to break up,

but that's

why they invented rebounds.

Rebounds are my specialty.

And three-ways--

Those are my specialty.

For a second there I thought

we were gonna get married.

I know.

So did I.

Can you imagine?

Well, yeah.

Me, too.

So we both love each other.

So now what?

You mean what if

we get bored again?

Yeah.

I guess

we could always break up.

And then lie, trick,

and seduce our way

back into each other's hearts.

Sounds like a plan.

We are so weird.

So I asked for love

I asked for a song

- And there'll be joy

- There'll be joy

- Joy

- There'll be joy

Joy

I searched for peace

I begged for health

- And I Prayed for time

- Prayed for time

- And there'll be joy

- There'll be joy

- Joy

- There'll be joy

Joy



I searched for peace

I begged for health

And I prayed for time

Prayed for time

- And there'll be joy

- There'll be joy

- Joy

- There'll be joy

Joy

Took a walk alone today

First time

I'd seen the sun

The oceans, every blade

of grass, and I

We all live as one

Two birds

in a yellowwood tree

I wish our love

would always be

I've seen

the works of heaven

But it took your love

to set me free

I've seen the wonders

of the world

Stood on mountains

green and tall

Seen kingdoms

rise and fall

All for love and w*r

Yet I yearn to understand

The amazement in my hands

There's nothing

on this land

Like you

You

Amaze me

Thought about

how you made me see

And how the colors

came to life in me

When I saw a butterfly

Dance upon destiny

And I watched it

rise up and fly

It was then

I saw you and I

I feel

like a little child

On its first breath

of life

I've seen the wonders

of the world

Stood on mountains

green and tall

Seen kingdoms

rise and fall

All for love and w*r

Yet I yearn to understand

The amazement in my hands

There's nothing

on this land

Like you

Oh, oh, oh

You

Amaze me

Yeah, yeah, whoa...

When I count

the compromises

Showed me like... inside

And I saw you

I've seen the wonders

of the world

Stood on mountains

green and tall

Seen kingdoms

rise and fall

All for love and w*r

Yet I yearn to understand

The amazement in my hands

There's nothing

on this land

Like you

There's nothing

on this land

Like you

You

Amaze me

You are 10 kinds of sexy.

How do you feel

about open relationships?

Intrigued.

Do you maybe want

to go out on a date?

I'd like that.

Can I come?

Just kidding.

I'm a Republican Congressman.

Can you imagine if that got out?

Do you like what you see?

I keep entertaining

Why won't you let me be?

Me be?

Me be?

So what

am I supposed to do?

To do business with you?

I like your company

Your company

Your company

Keep it professional

Keep it

Keep it professional

Extra! Extra!

Read all about it



Keep it professional...

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Read all about it