Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds (2006)

[bunniefuu]

Coming!

I'm coming as fast

as I can!

Hey, 'sup, man?

What's up, dude?

Sorry, I'm late.

No problem.

So, uh,

I'll go get my suit.

Did you bring

the spare board?

Oh, bro, no I didn't.

I forgot it,

but you know what -

I got something else

you can ride.

Oh, dude,

I got you all wet.

Maybe we should get you

out of those clothes, bro.

Dude...I got a girlfriend.

She know you mess

around with dudes?

Or are you just

some big closet case?

Or maybe you're confused.

Or maybe...

you like playing confused.

I, I don't know, I--

I, I don't know

what I am.

You're so sexy

when you stammer.

You're good.

Yeah, I play confused,

but don't get me wrong...

I'm straight...

Mostly.

Now, rip open my shirt.

Sir, yes sir.

Strip.

Amateur.

Less teeth, more tongue.

This is how you do it.

That feels so good.

God, I love your t*ts!

Stop calling them t*ts!

I could eat your t*ts all day.

Stop calling them t*ts.

I love your t*ts.

Stop calling them t*ts!

Sorry, I love your breasts!

I wanna f*ck your breasts!

Shane...Sweetie.

Are you having that

g*y fantasy again?

Honey...it's not you, it's...

Well, it's you.

What's wrong if I want

to see a little boy on boy

in the bedroom?

Nothing, I guess -

if you're a g*y man.

I'm close enough.

But you can't expect me

to go g*y every time

you wanna have sex.

I don't want you to be g*y -

Just g*y-er.

So you want me to get it on with

another guy in front of you?

Well, in front of,

on top of, yeah.

Gwen, I'm not g*y.

I'm not bi.

I'm a heterosexual breeder.

And if you can't accept that,

then we probably

shouldn't be dating.

How can you be so h*m*?

You're ridiculous!

Don't even think

you're breaking up with me!

I'm breaking up with you.

Huh?

I've sat in millions of bedrooms

and listened to millions of boys

tell me they're leaving

me for the pole.

I'm not gonna sit here and have

one leave me for p*ssy.

What?

I'm leaving you, Shane!

Go not suck all

the d*ck you want!

Yeah?

And you keep letting that

pride parade march right on

through your crotch!

g*y basher!

t*ts! t*ts! t*ts! t*ts! t*ts!

Stop the spread of faggotry!

Stop the spread of faggotry.

f*g!

I wish!

I told you this was

gonna happen!

I know, Kyle!

That's all you said

from day two!

"You're too hot, Marc!

You're gonna leave me."

And look how right I was.

You weren't right, Kyle.

Your puppy dog eyes and goofy

charm turned me on.

But you wouldn't believe it.

How could I believe it when

you flirt with everyone?

I don't flirt with everyone;

I just like making friends.

Did you have to

befriend every member

of the gymnastics team

and Alpha Gamma Testes?

God, it's like you're

only happy when you think

you can't have me.

I wouldn't be jealous if you

went out and made

some hot friends.

See!

I'm too boring for you!

You want a boyfriend

who's all social and hangs out

with confident, sophisticated

gods like...him.

Hey, Sebastian.

Who's this?

Who are you?

He's here

for emotional support.

I'm supposed to be

your emotional support!

You're too emotional.

f*gs.

So what, it's been about...

five days since you

last jerked off?

Wow! You're good.

Thanks, Eric.

That was fun.

Thank you, Teri.

It's Tiffani.

And I think this is yours!

Have fun f*cking his puppy

dog eyes and goofy charm.

I hope someday you can

see past everything you don't

like about yourself and realize

we had something special.

Wow, that was HallMarky, Marc -

even for you.

Stop the spread of faggotry.

Stop the spread of faggotry.

Okay, just because we used

to date the same loser

doesn't mean we have to be

all cunty to each other.

You're right. Truce?

I'm s--

What's wrong?

I don't wanna

be a sl*t anymore.

I want a boyfriend!

I just really wish

Caleb was still here.

Is that the heterosexual you

were trying to sleep with?

No-- Well, yes, he was my

roommate who I used to want.

Your roommate dumped you?

No, my boyfriend dumped me.

My roommate isn't here

to help me through this.

So is your roommate the g*y

one or the straight one?

You're not listening to me.

My boyfriend's g*y!

And not just that -

he's the hottest g*y

I will ever make it with!

Honey, you're gonna make it

with plenty of hotties.

It's not even that.

He's gonna find a new

boyfriend first

and I'm gonna be alone.

You won't be alone.

There are plenty

of rainbow fish in the sea.

Ha, ha.

Plenty of c*ck

in the henhouse.

Mom!

Plenty of freshmen a*s

in the locker room.

Eww! Mom!!

Kyle, I am really trying here.

I know, Mom.

Thanks.

Do you know what it's

like to be a g*y man

trapped in a woman's body?

My God, you have no idea.

Well, there's like five

g*y men trapped inside of me.

And they're all greasy and

having sex with each other,

just trying to...

f*ck their way out.

Send me an X-ray.

Why are you being

all Fiona Apple?

I broke up with Shane.

He's single?

Hands off, c*ck.

I'm kidding.

What is with straight guys and

their aversion to sucking d*ck?

I just got dumped.

What is with g*y guys wanting

to suck everyone's d*ck?

Yeah, I heard.

I'm so sorry.

Thanks.

Sorry you're a psychopath.

I say this with my trademark

sweetness, but you do know that

Marc was the best thing

that will ever

happen to you?

Hey, I'm a catch!

Says who? Your mom?

Other people do, too!

I just...I want to hear,

"I love you,"

instead of "Take it,

you tight little snatch."

Hi, Mr. Thompson.

Tiffani - oh, I love your

pastel paisley halter

with the chiffon

inlet overlay.

My wife has one

just like it.

Okay, class - fingertips!

I don't know how many of you are

sick to death of still life,

but if I see another fruit,

I'm gonna have a hissy!

I think it's time

we try something

a little more...dangerous.

Class, meet Troy.

Ta da!

Troy's gonna model

for us today...nude.

Troy is a veterinary major

who has just moved here, fresh,

from a little town

in Illinois known as...

oh, Troy. Troy, from Troy.

My parents didn't want me

to forget where I was from.

How rustic!

He's got an accent.

He looks like he's spent

his life bailing hay

and...milking things.

He looks like sex.

Well, um, Troy...

from Illinois -

whenever you feel inspired.

I uh--

So, where do you want me?

On my face.

Right here on my desk

and we'll get you

in several different positions.

Missionary,

Reverse Cowgirl, 69...

Chalks to paper!

Oops!

Dropped it!

Guess I'll have to--

No, let me!

I don't want you to...

ruin anybody's art by moving.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Same here.

I'm just gonna...

I wanna hit that harder

than Ike hit Tina.

I wanna be wrapped in

his arms forever and ever.

I wanna see him get it on

with his boyfriend.

You think he's g*y?

Does Whitney want crack?

Hey there!

I didn't recognize you

without your p*nis!

I had to leave it there -

school property and all.

I'm Gwen.

The girl with the big

boobs is Tiffani,

and the guy

with the small--

I'm Kyle.

Troy.

From Troy--

Illinois.

Ooh, are those your drawings?

Yeah.

This is mine.

That's Kyle's...

and...Tiffani's.

I've never drawn one before

so I figured I'd focus on it.

You're very generous.

I'm a giver.

This one's incredible.

Thanks.

You just...spoke to me.

Are you an art major?

No.

She's undeclared, which is

practically the same thing.

Well, you should be.

How'd you get into

nude modeling?

Well, I grew up

in the country.

No one's around so I'd

just go naked a lot.

Then I bought a webcam.

I'm so Googling you.

When I moved here and found

out I could get paid

to hang out naked,

I was like, sign me up!

Next stop: porn!

How much does that

a*s of yours bring in?

Fifty bucks a class.

Porn pays way better.

Well, I'd be just as

likely to do it

for a case of beer, or weed.

Noted.

When did you move here?

A couple weeks ago.

All by your lonesome?

Yeah.

I'll bet it was great

to start all over -

where no one knows your

name and you can do

anything you want

with whomever you want.

Yeah, I guess.

Kinda miss my mom.

So, you're close to your mom?

I miss both my parents,

but there's something

about a mom, you know?

A boy needs none other

than the love of his mother.

Uh, yeah.

We were gonna grab some coffee.

Wanna come?

I gotta get home.

But thanks for the offer.

Maybe some other time?

Someone waiting

for you at home?

My roommate.

He's secretly in love with me.

See you in class.

Keep up the good work.

Keep up the good...p*nis!

I totally thought he was a

'mo until he made that lame,

straight guy joke.

He's an enigma f*cking a riddle

f*cking a mystery.

I love being single.

Stop the spread of faggotry.

But spreading

is my favorite thing.

I'll be praying for you.

Hold that pose!

Would you boys

do me a favor?

Sit there

for a minute...or 20

But I want him

out of here in five.

What's her story?

I used to flirt with this one,

but we never did anything

because I wasn't available.

So we're gonna

make up for lost time.

Man wh*re!

Lucky b*stard.

See that guy over there?

The studly rack of meat

or your loser ex-boyfriend?

The meat rack.

Marc pre-cheated with him -

and with a couple of

other guys, too.

Pre-cheated?

It's this thing

that gays do.

The moment the relationship

starts getting a little rocky,

they start lining up

replacement sex partners.

The second they're

single it's,

"Hey remember me?

You want some head?"

Your boyfriend's far

too creampuff to cheat.

I didn't say he cheated.

He pre-cheated.

God, you're paranoid.

I know how his mind works.

If I were hot enough

I'd do the same thing.

I guess it's over.

Look what I found!

Hey!

- Troy!

- Nude guy!

So, Troy, the three of us

are falling behind

in art class

and we were wondering...

Do you have a preference?

See, it works.

Now take off

your clothes, damn it!

This is kinda weird.

No, we're just gonna draw.

Really.

So, did you leave someone

special back home?

Nope.

That's probably good.

Yep.

I've always wondered

what it would be like

to live on a farm.

I mean,

what did you do for fun?

Mostly we'd drive

around the strip on weekends,

or throw parties

in some field.

I always liked the idea of being

out among all the nature.

Getting f*cked in a rainstorm,

or getting f*cked on a tractor,

or getting--

Well, I can't say

I did all that.

Well, where did

you get f*cked?

I dunno.

In the regular places -

a bed, in my car.

In the a*s?

Excuse me?

Oops!

I mean, boys or girls?

I'm sorry - if you don't

wanna talk about this--

No, it's okay, I guess.

Girls...mostly.

What?

Does that freak you out?

No, honey.

I'm what they call a "f*g hag."

So you are g*y then!

I am--

I'm not g*y.

It's just--

Well, all kinds of people

hit on me and I just kinda

go along with it.

What the hell

does that mean?

I like it.

I mean, we're just people -

just bodies

with organic needs--

So, did you ever

have a girlfriend?

Sort of.

What about boyfriends?

I had this really close

friend in high school.

But I never done much with a

guy because I wanna get married

and have kids.

Not that g*y guys can't,

'cause they can, it's just...

I dunno.

Being g*y, it seems

like so much work.

Amen, sister.

I mean, first you have

to tell everyone.

That's no fun.

- And then there's rejection.

- You're never hot enough.

- STDs.

- If you're lucky.

There's this group, Coming In.

I kinda wanna go check 'em out,

'cause I think

they might fix me.

The anti-gays?

Ex-gays.

Just like you, Kyle.

Right?

- What?

- What?

Kyle used to be g*y.

You two should hang out,

get to know each other,

swap...stories.

You're an ex-g*y?

Well...

You're like my idol!

I totally just want to get

inside you

and learn everything.

Uhh...

Oh my God...

You two are together, right?

Yes!

We're boyfriend and girlfriend!

I knew it!

You're always together,

but I wasn't sure.

It must've been the fact

that I act so faggy?

And you're really

straight now?

As a cucumber.

God, no wonder I felt so

comfortable with you two!

How long have you been together?

A few months.

And it's true love, isn't it,

my little sex monkey?

Ahh!

And you're comfortable

that he used to...

Smoke sausage?

We've all got

skeletons in our closets.

His are just more well hung.

And how's that going for you?

How do you think

it's going for him?

Look at me, I'm perfect!

Yeah. She's awesome.

He especially loves my t*tties.

Breasts.

So what are the

meetings like?

Well, uh, I've never been

to this chapter.

Oh, my God, would you do me

the biggest favor?

Of course I'd do you--

You have to take me

to one of these meetings.

There's one tomorrow.

You could be my sponsor,

or whatever.

Do it, honey.

It might do you some good

to renew your vows

to heterosexuality.

Not that he doesn't

ride me every night.

Okay.

It's a date!

I'll be right back.

I have to go use the head.

What the hell just happened?

We just got you laid

by Troy from Illinois!

You made me an ex-g*y!

Those are my least

favorite kind of gays!

Grow some nuts.

Do you think he would have been

remotely interested if you were

just another g*y guy?

Listen to me.

I don't have a chance

in this godforsaken world

of ever wrapping my lips

around his forty acres

and a mule -

But you do.

So, you're saying he'll

let me have sex with him

because I'm not g*y?

You heard him.

You'll be his new

"close friend."

Since you're straight,

you'll get to

hang out with him.

You'll support him in those

straight emo bonding ways

until eventually all his

repressed passion explodes.

Right down your throat.

This is sick!

You're both sick!

You think it could work?

Damn!

Hey!

No way.

I'm so nervous.

It's okay.

You'll be fine.

What are you doing?

Straight male bonding,

step one.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Octavio--

Octavio!

Introductions lead

to conversations

lead to invitations

of intercourse

with the wrong persuasion.

I'll do the introducing.

What the hell

do you want?

We want to join.

I find that hard to believe.

Maybe we shouldn't--

God believes me.

Well, I did pray for you.

I know.

Spooky.

I'm Jacob Buchanan,

Coming In president.

This is Derek,

Allan, Roy, and...

Violet.

Violet.

I'm Kyle.

- And--

- Troy.

Hi, Troy.

Hello, Kyle.

You do know what we're

all about here, right?

At Coming In?

Well, yeah, but he doesn't

need to be here.

He's a success story.

Kyle's renouncing his sexuality?

What's going on?

Are you sitting down?

Now, who'd like to speak first?

Okay, I will.

I have great news that will

change all of our lives.

I've been asked to present

the new ad campaign

for Coming In National.

The board of directors,

including my mom,

is gonna be here next week, and

if they like my presentation,

which they will, you'll see my

posters in high schools

and college campuses

across the nation.

"h*m* No More.

Stop the Spread of Faggotry!"

Now I need you

to repeat this slogan

to every student across campus.

"h*m* No More" is gonna become

a national catch phrase.

Like "Can you hear me now?"

Yes, only more clever.

So let's have a testimonial.

Who wants to start?

I sucked a d*ck.

Shut up, are you serious?

Like a fox.

That's fabulous.

What was it like?

Details.

Tell us how it made

you feel, Violet.

Well, I got really trashed

at the Up With Jesus kegger,

and this skinny guy with dyed-

black hair and lipstick

asked if I wanted to do one of

those upside down keg shooters.

They started playing

"My Chemical Romance,"

so I took that as

a sign, downed half the keg,

and before I knew it, we're in

the back of his mom's Saab,

I'm choking on his d*ck,

my makeup's smearing

and I'm about to puke.

It was great.

I watched porn...

straight porn.

And I made sure it was Ron

Jeremy so I wouldn't focus on...

Yeah.

And it was hot.

Good, good.

Allan?

How are things going with...

was her name Leslie?

I think so, yeah.

We went on a date.

And what happened

on this date?

We went to this cute

little Italian restaurant,

service was great--

No, I meant physically.

Well...after dinner

we went back to her dorm.

Were you nervous?

Oh, yeah.

Turned on?

I'm trusting at some point

you got turned on, right?

Oh, yeah...yeah.

Totally...turned on.

Rock hard.

Tell me about that.

Let's see.

We sat on her bed

and she showed me this photo

album of this Japanese

internment camp she'd visited,

and we were balancing

the book on our legs.

And her knee grazed my knee,

and that kind of got me going.

And then?

Then?

She jumped on top of me.

Really!

And I let her

kiss me and stuff.

Good, good!

Did she go for second base?

Run her hands up

and down your smooth chest

underneath your shirt?

A little.

That might not count.

Why don't you show me?

Like this, I guess.

But never the n*pples?

No.

On this "date,"

did you think about men?

No.

Never?

What about your

locker room fantasy?

Thrusting jock straps?

Towels snapping

at your a*s?

I never said

anything about towels.

Well, next week's assignment -

and I'm holding you to this -

is third base.

But what about the girl?

Leslie?

Yeah, Leslie.

Shouldn't I respect her

and stuff?

Don't worry.

She's not gonna get pregnant.

All I'm asking for is

one finger in her bush.

So, I'm fascinated to hear

your guys' stories.

I'm not ready to talk yet...

but Kyle here's

got a hot girlfriend.

They can't keep their

hands off each other.

You have a girlfriend?

Mm-hm.

And you used to be g*y?

Yeah.

Well, why don't you

tell us, Kyle?

What brought about

this amazing change?

Ummm...my story...

Just speak from the heart -

like Jesus would.

Well...I was

pretty much born g*y.

Mom said my first

sentence was,

"Get those boobs

out of my face."

So...anyway, I lived the g*y

lifestyle for a while.

And I dated a lot of guys...

A lot of guys.

Just...mens and mens

and mens.

I mean, they were

calling me all the time!

"Kyle, please have sex with me.

Please!"

I was so popular--

But then it began

to take its toll.

See, you realized the gays,

they're not interested

in getting to know you.

No, as soon as you

put out, they vanish.

And then they never call

you back when they say

they're gonna call you back

because they're out

with some stud when they say

they should be in class!

I wouldn't say that.

Well then what exactly

would you say, Kyle?

What brought about

this amazing transformation?

Well, I got fed up...

with the men and the sex

and the fun and music

and the apple martinis -

and just when I didn't know

what else to do

an angel from heaven above

flew into my life.

A sexy, 52-24-48

angel named Tiffani.

Is Tiffani a rhinoceros?

Size doesn't matter.

What matters is that

I fell in love

and I never looked back.

But what about the sex?

Piece of cake. I just say,

"Kyle, take everything you love

about Reese Witherspoon

and project it onto this girl

who wants to be with you."

And now they can't get enough.

That's incredible.

Yeah, 'cause you seem

really g*y.

Not anymore. I'm telling you,

there's nothing like

the smooth, wet porcelain lips

of the vag*na spreading

and enveloping me,

squeezing against the head

of my d*ck ever so firmly.

And that's nothing compared

to what it feels like

to eat her out and lap up

all those fresh juices.

We look forward to

seeing you both again.

Well, we both look forward

to coming...with girls.

Little Ex-g*y joke.

Jesus and I will be

keeping an eye on you.

Hey...

Stop the spread of faggotry!

That was fun!

That was nerve-racking.

Yeah, you were sweating

like a suicide b*mber

on a summer jihad.

I love your...sense of humor.

Man, you really

dig your p*ssy.

Yeah.

So what're you up to now?

I gotta go model for

Mr. Thompson's art class.

Hey, are we still on

for tomorrow's game?

Goooo...local sports team!

This must be the right place.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

I'm Marc -

Professor Thompson's

next top model.

But I use the word

top loosely.

Wow, great body.

Yeah, I know.

I meant you.

Oh, thanks.

You're supposed to wear

it over your shoulders.

What?

The robe.

Oh...yeah.

Did you want some privacy?

'Cause I could come back.

Ah, no.

I'm gonna be naked

in front of like 15 people.

You're easy.

How would you know?

No, I--

Anyway, we're gonna be

naked in front of 15 people.

- Huh?

- We're posing together.

- Seriously?

- You got a problem with that?

No. Of course not.

Are you g*y?

Well, yeah.

You got a problem

with that?

No. I don't have a--

I mean, you're not straight,

are you?

Well--

Oh my heck, who are you?

Uh...I'm Marc, your model.

You are?

What about him?

You didn't request

two models for today?

I have the student services

req in here.

Nice.

- What?

- What?

I can't find it.

I mean, I guess if you don't

need two nudes today,

I can leave.

Oh, no! Yeah, yeah--

I do need both models...

nude...in five minutes.

I'd forget head if

it wasn't on top of me.

What?

Uh-- I'd forget my head

if it wasn't on top of me.

My wife is always

correcting my grammar.

You know, I'm---

Uh...I'm married.

OK. You guys carry on.

I'll, uh...get to class.

So what's your name again?

Troy. And you're Marc.

With a c.

Pretty g*y, huh?

Look dude, if you're worried

about me looking at your d*ck,

I can turn around.

But don't sweat it.

You're not my type.

I'm not?

No.

Should you be?

No, I guess not.

I mean, you're hot and all,

but I like guys

who can take charge.

Plus your hair's too dark.

And you're too tall.

Gee, thanks.

Just being honest with you.

I think it's great - types.

I mean, if we all

wanted the same thing...

might as well be straight.

Maybe not everyone knows

what their type is.

True enough.

There was this one guy.

This sounds stupid,

but when I met him,

I sort of saw something

in his soul -

like a light.

Physically he was nothing

like any of the guys

I'd dated before,

but when I saw that light,

I realized...

this is my type, too.

So I asked him out, eventually.

That's deep.

f*ck you.

No, I'm serious.

So whatever happened

to your soul man?

Doesn't matter.

Anyway, that's...

ancient history.

Hey, you need a

workout buddy?

Yeah.

This feels horrible.

Stop shaking your

a*s so much.

No, I mean lying to Troy.

Honey, men lie.

And you're a man, technically.

Well, tonight you

better not forget to--

f*ck!

Honey, I never forget to f*ck.

No, f*ck!

As in--

Kyle!

Hey, boys. What's up?

Oh, you two know Marc?

I used to have

a big crush on Kyle.

Didn't I?

But he's not

your type at all.

So, how do you two

know each other?

Oh, we got naked

together last night.

What?!

We both model

for Mr. Thompson.

Wow, he's a regular

Gus Van Sant.

Can I talk to you

for a second?

You haven't f*cked him yet.

Hey, I don't treat people

like pieces of meat.

You should. It's fun.

You do know he's g*y, right?

Oh God, I'm sorry.

Is that against the rules?

That's the only f*cking rule!

Keep away from hot

g*y guys -

unless they have

girlfriends, like me.

Okay, well, don't...

queen out about it.

Besides, he told me -

I'm not his type.

And you believed him?

I bet he told you

he saw a light

in your soul, too.

Kyle, I think your

girlfriend's getting jealous.

Please.

She trusts me completely.

We're stronger than ever.

In fact, we were

just about to...f*ck.

- Whoa!

- Really?

Yeah, I can hardly

keep my fingers off

of his big hard stick.

Especially when he's

all sweaty

from power-walking.

I'll bet.

Go for it.

What?

Stick your hand

in his shorts.

- Get him hard.

- Yeah!

No way!

What?

Aren't you straight anymore?

Of course I'm straight.

But I don't think parading

my heterosexuality around

in public is very polite.

Well, how about you

two just kiss?

Yeah, that'd be hot.

A kiss?

And use some tongue...

unless you don't like

kissing your girlfriend.

I love kissing

my girlfriend.

Prove it.

Why should--

Wow.

You two get a room.

Invite me over!

Kyle?!

Mom?

Kyle?!

What are you doing here?!

I was just running errands.

Oh, baby, this is more

than I could ever

have hoped for!

This is wonderful!

You are a girl, right?

Mom, of course she's a girl!

Would you stop

hugging me?

We hadn't told her yet.

You don't understand!

I used to catch this boy

masturbating with every

vegetable in the fridge -

and now this!

Have you told that awful

ex-boyfriend of yours?

I have a feeling he knows.

I have a feeling

this is the funniest thing

he's ever seen.

I have a feeling that the

childish things he's doing

are acts of jealousy,

and in some small way,

it's kind of nice to know

he cares for a change.

Who gives a sh*t about him?

I'm gonna be a grandma!

This is w*r!

Marc's gonna rue the day

he messed with me!

Wow, you almost

seem like a top.

Marc thinks he can get

whatever he wants just

by taking his shirt off.

Maybe some guys don't

want a hot, muscular stud who's

confident with his sexuality.

Maybe some people think

it's charming enough

to pretend that

you're sexually conflicted -

Some people like...

Octavio.

Octo-what?

Oh, hi, Yummy. I'm Tiffani.

The rhinoceros?

Excuse me?

Tiffani, this is Octavio,

from that group

I was telling you about.

Rhinoceros?

I'll call you tonight.

Good luck not

f*cking each other.

So, Octavio.

Octavio.

Octavio.

It's like you're saying

a 'V' and 'B'

at the same time -

"Octavio."

B and B?

V and B.

So, what are you doing here?

Your girlfriend's sexy.

Thanks.

Nothing like I expected.

What are you saying, I'm not

good enough for her?

No, I just...

didn't believe you.

Something about you screamed

single...and lonely.

As you can see,

I'm clearly not--

And horny.

Horny?

- You're hitting on me.

- Yes, I am.

What about h*m* No More?

I thought they

straightened you out.

When I saw you at the meeting,

I sort of fell off my wagon.

You didn't have

that far to fall--

Shut up. I must have you.

I have a feeling this

is against the rules.

It's okay.

The bossy guy - Jacob -

he breaks the rules

all the time.

Wait!

Jacob's g*y?

Of course.

One time he followed me

into the bathroom at school

and started tapping his toe

underneath the stall--

Enough about him.

Your lips taste

like cherry.

It's my girlfriend's

lip gloss.

Oh, Octavio.

Octavio.

Well, I'm this way.

Thanks for the jog.

Hey, you wanna

come over tonight?

No, I can't.

I'm gonna watch the game

with Kyle and Tiffani.

Oh.

Well, you guys have fun.

Hey, you wanna jog

again tomorrow?

Maybe late afternoon?

We could hang out afterwards.

That'd be great.

Cool.

That's how we gays do it.

Wasn't that awesome?

Yeah.

Kyle made his mom so happy.

What could they possibly

have in common?

Besides wanting to be straight?

Well, they both have dicks

that haven't been sucked today.

Thanks, Gwen.

You have nothing

to worry about.

Kyle's non-threatening.

He's like...soy milk.

Or something you use when

you run out of normal milk.

And you're cream.

g*y cream.

Ew.

Hold still.

What's up with

all the drawing?

I don't know.

I like it.

I'm kinda good at it.

Since when?

Since now.

I think I found my calling.

I barely think

about sex anymore.

I just wanna...draw it.

That's so not like you.

Well, you being all jealous

isn't like you, either.

Look, it's simple.

Troy is a blank canvas.

No, he's a sketch.

He's got all these

lame ideas about what

being g*y is like,

but he needs you to come in

and provide the horny details.

Ha, ha.

And before you know it...

fine art.

f*ck' sh*t!

f*ck' sh*t!

Come on, muthafuckas,

we can win this!

Kyle, we're 48 points behind

with less than a minute to go.

Oh.

That was actually

fun though.

I mean, it sucks

that we lost.

Aw, you'll get over it.

So, uh, how was your day?

Strange.

But you know there's

something I wanted to

talk to you about -

something I didn't share

with the group yesterday.

I didn't exactly go cold salami

when I decided to turn straight.

There were a few slip-ups.

While you were with Tiffani?

Yeah, and she's great

because she understands

how pent-up feelings

can just explode

if you don't do

anything about 'em.

So, it's okay if one

of us makes a mistake

every once in a while.

We've even talked

about the possibly of...

playing...together.

What, like a three-way?

Yeah.

I had a three-way once.

What?

Yeah, with two girls.

Oh, I guess that counts.

Barely.

We were in this empty

farm house outside of town.

It was going great.

They had me in the middle

and we were kissing.

And then they pulled

their panties down

and pushed me downtown.

And that's when things

started to fall apart.

So, you didn't like it?

Well, it wasn't doing

that much for me.

Does that make me g*y?

Lots of straight guys

don't like eating p*ssy.

They complain about

it all the time.

What happened next?

Well, the situation

got worse.

I couldn't...

find their clits.

You couldn't?

Or G-spots or whatever.

I was down there forever.

It was embarrassing.

They laughed at me.

One of them even

called me the Susan Lucci

of tongue f*cking -

seventeen attempts

and no cl*t.

I know where it's at.

You do?

Yeah.

Could you show me?

Show you?

How do you find it

on Tiffani?

How am I supposed

to show you that?

I dunno. Use your fingers.

How 'bout I use yours?

You know, so you can

feel what I'm doing.

This is stupid.

Nah, come on.

It'll be fun.

I'll show you

my whole routine.

First, you gotta start

with just some little teases.

Breathe on it.

Make her squirm.

And then you just...

Which is usually not

the reaction that I get.

No, it's good. It's good.

In the middle of all

of this, of course,

is the love button.

But most girls go nuts

if you just...dive on in.

That's good.

That's really good.

Sorry I missed

the game, guys--

What the hell?

I was just showing Troy

some tips on the art

of cunnilingus.

Not that I need them.

Well, even Melissa Etheridge

could learn a thing

or two from Kyle.

I gotta get going.

Stay.

There's plenty to eat.

Yeah, you don't have to go.

I gotta call it a night.

Thanks for the...

time, Kyle.

Did you see that?

One more session like that

and he's gonna explode.

As long as he doesn't

explode with Marc first.

I win!

Whoa!

What?

So when did you first know

for sure you were g*y?

Just now.

No.

I had my suspicions

when I was, like, 12 or 13,

but I didn't know for sure

until a couple years later -

when I went down

on my first guy.

And it's the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

What?

Being g*y?

Yeah.

Imagine that you think

you're gonna live

your life one way -

get a job, get married,

get a 3-bedroom house.

And then you discover

this...thing about yourself

that opens up a million

new options as to how you

can live your life.

Suddenly you don't have

those milestones that straight

people have to compare

each other against.

You can choose

your own adventure.

I loved those books.

Me, too.

But aren't you worried

you'll end up all alone

and not have any

of those things?

Doesn't everyone?

g*y or straight?

Sprint you home!

And just so you know,

Kyle's mom's reaction

to him being straight

wasn't awesome.

Huh?

Well, you said it like

you were happy for them,

like that's the way

it should be.

My parents are totally cool

with me being g*y.

Yeah, but are your parents

really okay with it?

I'll bet Kyle's mom grew

to be okay with it,

but you saw how

happy she was.

That's what parents

really want for their kids.

If you ask, most parents

will say they just want

their kids to be happy.

Maybe my mom would

be happier if I put my d*ck

somewhere else, but you've

seen those ex-gays.

Is that happy?

If your parents love you

and they think you're happy,

they'll adjust.

I don't think my parents

would adjust to me being g*y.

They shouldn't have

anything to do with it.

You have to be who you are.

It's the only way you can

live with yourself.

And It's the only way

I can live at all.

Did you wanna take a shower?

Talk about getting my

creative juices flowing.

I didn't know you were here.

Wait. Keep 'em down.

Would you boys

let me draw you?

What? Together?

No, right where you are,

right now.

I'll call it..."Proposition."

What do you think?

I don't know--

It's this or renting a movie.

Choose your own adventure.

When I walked in on the two

of you, I was like,

"f*ck this drawing one

person at a time sh*t!

If I can capture the tension

between these two--

There was tension?

Honey, it was more tense than

Star Jones in a training bra.

Now make that look you had:

surprised, a little turned on,

kinda scared.

No...I dunno,

stare at Marc's crotch

and imagine what he could

do to you with that.

Trust me,

he can do a lot.

Perfect.

So...you two dated?

Gwen was my last girlfriend.

And Marc was my first.

After him, all I ever

wanted to date were f*gs.

I've got an idea.

This could take forever,

and I see the potential

for something...

more interesting.

Could I do a series

with you guys?

Almost like a story that

starts with this scene

and goes from there?

What do you think?

I don't know--

If I said pose with a woman,

you'd totally do it.

It's not like we'd even have

time to pose for a series--

I'll take photos

and use them to draw from.

C'mon, we can be done

in minutes depending

how well you two...connect.

Yeah, but if Troy

feels uncomfortable--

No.

I'll do it.

Perfect.

I'll get my camera.

You sure?

Yeah.

Choose your own adventure.

Okay, Troy,

sit back down.

Marc,

off with the pants.

Perfect. Okay, Troy,

stand back up with Marc.

I want you to do that same

character you were doing,

like, he's a virgin and

he wants it but he's confused.

Can you do that?

Yeah.

So Marc, honey, why don't

you get down on one knee,

and put your hands underneath--

yeah, like that.

Actually, raise the shirt

a little.

And lift your head so you're

looking into his eyes.

Look like you're

in the moment

and you want it.

Marc, I want you

to stand and take Troy's--

yeah, that.

Now, Troy, the removal

of the shirt is one of

the hottest moments -

when you know soon you'll

be skin on skin,

chest on chest,

lips on lips.

Marc, toss the shirt aside.

Marc, lick one

of Troy's n*pples.

Don't worry.

It'll feel good.

Yeah...I know.

Troy, run your left hand

through Marc's hair.

Marc, hold it right there.

Troy, pull Marc in.

Yeah.

Marc, lick his chest

up to his neck.

How you feeling, Troy?

Really...really good.

Then throw your head back--

Sorry!

It's perfect.

Stay right there!

Marc, make like you're

kissing your way down.

How 'bout I do this?

This is hot, right?

God, yeah.

You're a natural, Troy.

Close your eyes.

Marc, move down

between his legs

and kiss his stomach.

Marc, get up so you're

on top of him,

face to face.

You can open your eyes

if you want.

Hold that pose -

like you're about to kiss.

One of those first kisses,

where it takes forever

before you meet.

Moving closer...and closer.

sh*t!

What?

My card's full.

Hey look, I wanna

keep this going.

You're fine

with that, right?

Uh-huh.

I'll just go

upload 'em in my room.

It'll take 15 minutes.

Hold that pose.

I'll be in my room -

with the door closed.

I don't think I can stay

like this for 15 minutes.

Me neither.

I know I'm not your type--

And I'm not a girl,

but we'll improvise.

Oh, that feels so good.

Oh, man, oh, man.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna...

Wow, that was...fast.

I'm sorry.

It's been awhile.

Plus, I haven't gotten

it like that before.

Like that,

meaning with a guy

or meaning it was

that good?

Here, let me

get you a towel--

No, wait. My turn.

Ohhh....Mmm....

Troy...teeth! Teeth!

Sorry!

It's okay...

Ohh...yeah.

Ahh...

Am I not doing it right?

No, you were fine.

I just...

I just can't--

f*ck!

Why am I so bad

at giving oral sex?

You were doing great!

I just...I'm sorry.

Is it because I'm not your type?

Troy...you're hot.

Trust me.

Or, no...don't trust me.

Can you wait one minute?

These are hot!

I can't do it.

But it's going

exactly how you wanted.

I just can't do it.

If Kyle wants to pretend

to be straight just to have

sex with Troy,

that's his prerogative.

But I just can't

do this anymore.

Well, can we at least

finish the photo sh**t?

Oh, great.

He's probably freaking out

about making it with a guy.

He's probably looking

for someone who won't

c*ck-tease him.

I know where he's going.

I f*cked up.

What is it?

I had sex with a guy.

Was it Marc?

Oh, my God,

that's horrible!

I know. It was.

- It was?

- It was?

I felt so guilty, because...

all I could do was

think about you, Kyle.

Really?

Yeah.

How I let you down.

And how I let

the group down.

And how more than anything

I wanted to be with a woman.

Or with a man and a woman.

I don't know...

it's all so confusing.

And then I thought

of you two.

And what good friends

you've been to me.

And how honest

and open you've been

about your struggles, Kyle.

And about how you two

have an arrangement.

Wait, wait

Is this too weird?

It's not too weird.

Show me.

- Huh?

- Show me your routine.

Oh, it's--

gonna go that far?

Three-ways usually do.

I want you...

to teach me...please?

Why don't I do a little

mouth magic on you first?

That'll get me all nice

and rolling out

the welcome mat

down there.

No. You two first.

That'll get me ready for

what you're gonna do to me.

But you don't

want sloppy seconds.

Company should go first.

Blah!

Blah!

That is so hot.

Kyle, eat me out already!

The boy wants to

see how it's done!

Please don't make me!

Oh, yes...oh, yes.

That's it...

You can do it.

Make mama proud.

Oh my God.

It's like the little

h*m* that could.

You wanna try now?

Please?

Troy?

Where are you going?

Well, that certainly didn't

taste like sugar and spice.

Troy!

What's going on?

It's my p*ssy.

My p*ssy scared him away!

You little ex-g*y sluts!

Oh...my...God.

Can we come in, or were you

in the middle of dinner?

What are you doing here?

We're not eating p*ssy.

What are the three

of you doing?

Well, Kyle was showing Troy

the art of cunnilingus.

And he was doing

an admirable job.

Yeah, for a g*y guy.

Yeah, I know -

everything.

You guys will do

anything to get laid.

I ate p*ssy for nothing?

You deserved it!

Hey! It wasn't that bad!

I'm sorry. I'm horrible.

We're all horrible.

If it's any consolation,

it wasn't just about the sex.

We really liked you.

Working out with you.

Watching the game.

Drawing you.

It doesn't matter now.

Like he's gonna want to have

anything to do with us.

The f*cked up thing is,

even though you lied to me,

and to each other,

and to people you don't

even know...

I like you...liars.

We like you, too.

Yeah, you're so cool.

And I'm sorry.

I know I kind of led you all

on with my whole

confused thing.

Yeah, so c'mon.

You've sucked d*ck

and eaten p*ssy.

Which is it?

That's what's been tripping

me up all these years.

I thought it had

to be one or the other.

But after sampling both,

I've come to a conclusion.

I'm...bisexual.

There's no such thing!

Says who?

The laws of nature!

It's like horses

f*cking gerbils!

Well, then I'm a

freak of nature.

And I'm proud of it.

Good!

Be proud, bi-boy!

I wish you'd been proud

when we met.

But I guess that's hard

when people like you

and Jacob Buchanan tell him

how bad it is to be g*y.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I should've helped you instead

of trying to take advantage

of you not

knowing what you were.

So...what do we do now?

We're gonna stop

people like me.

No one should take advantage

of confused q*eer kids.

And the sooner we help them

see past what they don't like

in themselves so they can

see the great things

right in front of them...

the better.

He's a h*m* who f*ck

things up for other h*m*.

I don't know if--

Octavio, if people like

him weren't around,

everyone would come out!

You would get laid like that!

I take your point.

I'll do it.

And then we make love.

Stop the spread of faggotry!

Wake up and smell

the patchouli!

You're a d*ke!

Help!

I'm being recruited!

Convince me you

didn't like that.

Do your best.

Look...I'm not gonna embrace

who I am just because

it's obvious, okay?

What?

Everyone's so cool

with being g*y.

Will and Grace this,

Clay Aiken that.

Well, I'm not gonna

be labelled.

You're not convincing me.

Okay, I'm g*y.

Now shut up and kiss me!

I'm not g*y.

Then what do you want?

I want us to make art.

That is so...hot.

God, you are a l*sbian.

Mom?

What are you doing here?

What's wrong?

It's nothing.

No, what?

I've never seen you

this upset.

I was at the beauty shop,

and I was looking

through a magazine,

and I saw that the Oscars

are coming up.

Well, I thought,

who am I gonna watch

the Oscars with?

And then that Britney Aguilera

song came on - the one about

you're beautiful even if

you're ugly and g*y -

and I thought,

who's gonna play me this

shitty music

or take me out dancing

when I've had a bad day?

Mom, come on--

No, you stop.

You're gonna get married and

have kids, for Christ's sake.

And I'm gonna visit with

my girlfriends and all we're

gonna talk about

are grandchildren -

and that is so boring!

And Kyle, you've never

been boring,

and that is

because you're g*y.

You're a f*g, and I want

my little f*gg*t back.

Mom...

He is back.

Did my vag*na scare you away?

What?

The other night, you ran away

the second you saw my vag*na.

Don't be crazy.

I think you have

a very sexy vag*na.

Well, you sure know how

to charm a girl.

There - this port-a-potty's

ready to roll.

I got his precious Blackberry.

We have five minutes.

Okay, now do what you gotta do

but be quick about it.

It shouldn't take more

than a couple minutes.

Got it.

Perfect!

Now get your a*s to the

parking lot, pronto.

This is turning me on!

Octavio, aren't you going

to the big presentation?

Yeah, but it's not

till one o'clock.

It's in five minutes.

It's at one o'clock.

Check your schedule.

Oh.

I could've sworn it was--

So it looks like you have

some time to k*ll, huh?

Well, there's plenty of

work to be done--

Oh...

Too bad.

Hi. Are you here

for Coming In?

Yes, we are.

Where's Jacob?

I'm Linda, his mother.

Mrs. Buchanan.

So nice to meet you.

I'm Kyle, one of Jacob's

right-hand men.

He's running a little late,

but he did say to go ahead

and start without him.

Hmm.

Jacob's never mentioned you.

Probably because he's so

busy talking about all

the girls he's dating, huh!

No!

No kissing.

Mmm, you like it nasty.

Today, I am proud to present

the fruits of my son's labor.

But more than that,

I'm excited to see

the swelling of Coming In

as the h*m* threat

seems to be swelling

exponentially.

It is people

like my son Jacob,

who continue to thrust

our crusade into the spotlight.

Oh, yes, I've wanted this

for so--

Shh.

No, I wanna be loud.

It's dangerous! It's hot--

Open this and shut up.

Jacob has always been

a beacon of light.

When he came to me as a teenager

and told me of his inner demons,

I knew we could destroy

them with loving support

and a strong fist.

You're gonna split me

in two, aren't you?

And we have!

Today, Jacob dates girls -

and he likes dating girls!

Jacob proves that if you can

fight it, you can hide it!

And if you can hide it,

you can bury it!

Ah! What was that?

That was me.

Oh God, it was you.

Oh God, it is you!

In keeping with the themes

you've mentioned, Linda,

we've commissioned local artist

Gwen Anderson and Coming In

member Violet Mufdaver

to portray the revolting

and immoral acts

of h*m* in a new

and compelling campaign,

which we'd like to

present to you now.

Gwen?

Members of the student press,

heterosexuals,

and those who want to be,

we present Coming In's

newest ad campaign...

"g*y Sex Sucks."

Oh, baby!

This...is absolutely revolting!

Where is Jacob?

Oh, I'm so close!

Where is my son?

I'm going to find Jacob,

and when he's through with you--

Oh, baby!

I'm so close!

So close!

Jacob?

I'm coming!!!

Mommy?

Ugh!!

Get this off of me!

Yep. He's g*y.

Gwen...

I was wondering if I could

maybe model for you sometime.

Me, too.

I didn't know outing someone

could be so much fun.

Listen, Tiffani...

I don't know how you feel

about the whole

bisexual thing.

I let my ex-boyfriend's

g*y roommate go down on me.

I'm a pretty open person.

Yeah, well, you know how

you and Kyle were pretending

to have an arrangement?

You mean the three-ways?

Yeah.

How would you feel if you

really had that...with me?

Because I'd be honored

to be your boyfriend.

No one's ever said

that to me before.

You went above and beyond

the call of duty.

No...that was hot.

And now I think it's time

for you to repay me

for my services.

Octav--

I won't take no

for an answer.

No.

Well, that was easy!

You know what, Mom?

I'm glad you caught me!

I'm g*y!

And Octavio--

Octavio

He's my lover!

Well, we're off for a f*ck!

Seems like everybody is.

Do me one favor.

- Yeah?

- Lead him to the cl*t.

Honey, from the waist down

it's all cl*t.

That's how I do it.

You know, these lies

I get us into really have

a way of working out.

Perfect.

Remember how, when you and Marc

were fighting over Troy,

you tapped into some

unknown confidence

none of us knew you had?

Yeah?

Use it.

So...plan worked...

Everyone seems to be happy.

So, Octavio, huh?

Please.

There's nothing there.

He's just a friend

I had sex with once.

Looks like you went out

and made some hot friends.

Yeah.

I got more social.

It does make you jealous.

What?

When Troy left last night,

I knew where he was going -

the same place

I used to go when I had

a problem I

needed to talk about.

I got jealous.

So...

Do you think you can find

it in your heart to love

somebody who pretended

to be straight

just to get laid?

I don't know.

Can you love someone

who flirted with way too many

guys while he was

your boyfriend?

Can you love someone whose

last sexual act

involved eating p*ssy?

Can you love someone who--

Wait, being a flirt

was my only flaw, right?

I don't know.

I lost count.

You've brushed

your teeth, right?

Does that turn you on

as much as I think it does?

Yeah.

But that doesn't mean I'm

not open to new experiences.

Come here.

Better than boys?

Different.

Different rocks.

Oh! Oh!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Did I do good?

Yes, baby.

You did good.

All right, time for thirds!

God!

Oh, God!

I am g*y.