A Child's Christmases in Wales (2009)

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Silent night

Holy night

All is calm

All is bright...

Silent night

Holy night

Christmas 1983 was much the same

as every other year round our way,

with the "oh-so-sweet" voices

of the Cadwaladr boys

and the imminent arrival

of my father's family.

You could never be sure

my uncles would be on time.

In fact, they rarely were.

Uncle Haw was usually detained having

had an argument with another driver.

And Uncle Gorwel...

Well, Uncle Gorwel didn't have a car.

Or a bike.

In fact, we were never

absolutely confident

he'd still have the use of both his legs.

They were due at our house by 3.30,

but my mother began getting

the place ready well before that,

and by "well before that"

I mean September.

Alphabetical order.

Cream...

Then lilac.

These days, they call this kind of thing

obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Who's been using the sink?

At that time,

it was known as housekeeping.

What's it going to look like

if they all turn up and the sink's wet?

Do you want people to think our family's

washing its hands all the time

cos we're always holding grubby things?

What are we, robbers?

Might as well be talking to myself here.

She is talking to herself.

One day, it'll be me

sitting around with my feet up.

I'm not sitting around,

I'm watching a film.

What are you watching?

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind.

What's it about?

Aliens come down,

cause a bit of bother, go home again.

- Any good?

- Er...

I didn't think much of it, to be honest.

Unrealistic.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah...

Not the most exciting verse, this one.

Wasn't too bad when

there was just the two brothers.

Didn't I tell you we'd all regret the day

when Shirley Cadwaladr had quads?

Mum had been through eleven Hoovers

in the past five years.

When she went into Rumbelows,

she just asked for "the usual".

Your brothers are late.

They'll be here. Probably the traffic.

Gets busy Christmas Eve.

...Hallelujah!

Carol singers! Settle up!

We've got a lot to get round.

If your uncles were the Three Wise Men,

the baby Jesus would still be

waiting for them now!

Ah!

Merry Christmas, Hywel. Boys.

- How are your parents?

- Merry Christmas. That's 5.20, please.

5? You're joking!

You heard Hark The Herald Angels,

that's 3.80, and Silent Night is 1.40.

I thought the spirit of Christmas

was you give whatever you can.

Yes, we obviously agree with that,

but we do have to balance it

with turning a profit.

Er...

That's 5.20, please.

Merry Christmas.

Same to you.

We'll be back Christmas Eve next year,

around quarter past three?

Right, boys, let's go, let's go, let's go.

I blame the Tories.

Dad was always annoyed

at having to pay for things.

At church, he only put money

in the collection plate

if the vicar did a good joke

in the sermon.

- 5 that cost me.

- Oh!

Unbelievable.

Still, I suppose it's Christmas, eh?

Come here, Brenda.

Oh, Geraint, stop your nonsense,

haven't time for that.

Your brother will be here in a minute.

Put the kettle on.

Oh!

Uncle Haw was dad 's older brother.

Merry Christmas, Geraint!

He ran one of the biggest carpet firms

in Wales

and was now involved in one of

the country's most bitter divorces.

Bren! Ha-ha!

One of his favourite phrases was,

"All's fair in love and w*r."

Another was, "I hate my wife."

Merry Christmas one and all.

Apart from one.

One exception, in a blouse

and high heels, eh, boy?

Hey, Maurice has been looking forward

to seeing Owen all week.

Maurice had hardly ever spoken

in the six Christmases I could recall.

- He didn't have to...

- Maurice...

...Uncle Huw talked plenty.

So I successfully sued him for 7,500.

Damages.

That's the last time anybody will steal

any milk from my doorstep, eh?

Now, on to May.

Started with a bang.

Got a conservatory built. 3,500.

What is a conservatory exactly?

It's like a garden, but indoors.

They reckon by 1990

most people will be living in

conservatories rather than houses.

Oh! Sounds lovely.

Carpets are selling well, then, Huw?

Yes, like hot cakes.

Did you hear the ad on the radio?

If you want a carpet,

buy one from us.

Oh, good, that is.

Why haven't you got an ad

on the radio, Geraint?

Traffic wardens don't normally

advertise on the radio, Brenda.

Yes, we're sitting pretty financially.

Despite his mother's best efforts.

She spends like water, doesn't she, kiddo?

I said she pours it all down the drain,

doesn't she?

I said your mother's

a waste of space, isn't she?

Geraint, why don't you go down

the phone box and call Gorwel?

He's nearly half an hour late.

What, you haven't got a telephone

fitted yet?

No. No need.

Perfectly good public telephone.

It's only minutes away.

Right.

Dad always enjoyed a good walk,

even in the coldest weather.

Most mornings we walked

two miles to school.

It was only a mile away,

but he went the long way round on purpose.

Even putting the number in

teak quite a while.

To dial an international number,

you'd have to put most of the day aside.

Hello, is Gorwel there?

Right-o.

All that walking and he wasn't there!

Well, never mind.

Had a nice chat with his flatmate.

Why can't people have their own phones?

Sorry?

Why can't people just

have a tiny little phone?

That you could fit it in your pocket

and take it everywhere you go?

Ah, kids!

You really should make him

put a phone in, Bren.

Oh, you know Geraint.

Anything new, he's suspicious.

Phones, ovens, inside toilet.

Outside toilet, even.

How do you manage?

The neighbours have got a party line.

I go in there and use that sometimes.

There's no privacy with party lines,

though. You overhear all sorts of gossip.

We keep ourselves to ourselves

round here. We're not gossips.

All I know is that Mrs Evans

is having an affair with the man

who came round to do the grouting.

They talk Mondays, Wednesdays and

Fridays and he calls her "Sexy Neck".

Yes, well, you should definitely

make him put a phone in.

You've got to embrace new technology.

Do you know what I got this year?

A toaster that can do four slices at once.

Oh!

But then mum moved out,

and I lost my appetite.

I can eat four.

Ah, here's Gorwel.

Hey, hey!

Uncle Gorwel was dad's younger brother.

He'd had a chequered past.

He was now having a chequered present.

- Oh!

- Here he is!

Compliments of the season.

Uncle Garwel was a bit

like Father Christmas,

- in that we only saw him once a year.

- Huw.

Gorwel.

Who's having a whisky, then?

You are, I should imagine.

But he was unlike Father Christmas

in that he drank whisky for breakfast

and had once been detained overnight

for streaking at the Royal Welsh Show.

I managed to hitch a lift here in the end,

back of someone's van, like.

Who was it?

I'm not sure.

They didn't know I was there.

- How are you keeping, then, Gorwel?

- Oh, not bad! Not bad at all.

No run-ins with the law recently.

No more fights with lollipop ladies.

It's been a fairly quiet year.

So, where you living?

I've got a nice little place

down by the coast.

You bought it?

Well, not bought it bought it,

more like a rental.

What do you mean "like a rental"?

Well, I'm living in someone else's place,

but it differs from a rental,

because the owners don't technically

know that I'm there, like.

You're squatting?

If you want to call it that.

Still...

I expect it's a nice house, though, is it?

It's not a house house exactly.

Flat?

Aquarium.

So, you're squatting in an aquarium?

That's about the size of it.

But it's a good aquarium, mind.

Got a shark.

Anyway, never fear,

Gorwel's ship's about to come in.

I've got a nice little trick up my sleeve.

License to print money.

10-1 on a white Christmas. 10 quid on.

If it snows tomorrow, hello!

I'm up 100 quid.

Have you considered this might be

why you're struggling?

All these harebrained schemes.

You call starting a car showroom

a harebrained scheme, do you, Huw?

I didn't know you did that.

Mm-hm. Me and a couple of boys

getting it started.

Where are the cars going to come from?

That's the only obstacle at the minute,

but we're well on the way

to getting a room.

You need more of a business plan, Gorwel.

Under this government...

Don't mention them in this house.

Under this government, people

with business sense are being rewarded.

Good business is making money at last.

Oh, yes! That's the Tories.

Good business is making money

and everyone else can go to hell.

Not for long, mind.

We're gonna get those flaming Tories out.

Just you wait till that election.

I'll be down there, voting them out.

I'll be down there,

standing up for the working man.

We'll show them that Joe Public

is not to be trifled with!

We'll all stand together!

But, Gorwel,

the election's already happened.

Has it?

Yes, it was in June.

The Conservatives won by a landslide.

Oh. Hmm.

I was unconscious for a couple

of days around then, Bren.

Must have passed me by, like.

Right! Well, you two

better get yourselves up to bed.

Make sure you get a good night's sleep.

Father Christmas only comes

when you're sleeping.

Why?

I didn't make the rules, Owen.

I just abide by them. Good night.

Boys.

- Good night, boys.

- Good night, boys.

After we went to bed,

Christmas Eve really got going.

Time for a bit of Max, I think.

We'd hear drinking and high spirits.

And then the sound of Max Boyce.

I could never really understand

who Max Boyce was

or why he shouted so much.

I assumed he was a PE teacher.

Oi! Oi!

It Sosban fach yn berwi ar y tan

Sosban fawr yn berwi ar y llawr...

Max Boyce!

Madhouse!

I never knew quite what to say

to Maurice.

And he never knew

quite what to say to me.

So we would mostly just

look at each other.

After four Or five hours of this,

it started to drag a bit.

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Seems pretty quiet up there.

Maybe they're getting

a good night's sleep.

No-o, they're thick as thieves,

those two.

If I know Maurice,

he'll be up to some mischief. Eh?

Do you think if you're blind,

you still have to have your eyes shut

for Father Christmas to come?

Bum!

Because of Uncle Gorwel's faith

that one day we'd have

a white Christmas,

he gave us sledges every year.

I had a cupboard full.

Obviously it would've been a better

present, if it had snowed, like.

Thank you anyway, Uncle Gorwel.

Hm. I feel like I should give you

something else, really.

Oh, don't be silly!

If either of you want my shirt...

Oh, Gorwel,

they'll be fine with the sledges.

I've got a ball here.

They'll be fine with the sledges,

Gorwel.

Right you are.

And for the lovely Brenda...

Years ago, Gorwel had made

cheese on toast for my parents,

and, to be polite, my mother

pretended she loved cheese,

even though she hated it.

She was still paying

for this mistake.

Cheeses Of Asia.

Getting closer to the full set.

Fantastic!

Thanks, Dad!

Yes, and while we wait ten years

for that to be set up,

welcome to the future.

What on earth is that

when it's at home?

This is the Sinclair Spectrum ZX.

This is the greatest computer of all-time.

What do you do with it?

You play games with it, that's what!

This is the big thing now. Look at him.

He's been wanting

one of these all year.

He's beside himself.

Anyway... I've got a load of games

to go with it.

There's Sublime Soccer.

We've got Mind-blowing Golf Challenge 3,

Space Invaders,

More Space Invaders,

Space Invaders Are Back,

Space Invaders Return Once More...

Persistent, aren't they,

the old Space Invaders?

Planning Permission.

"You get to play a civil servant.

"You'll have to read applications,

"process paperwork and make decisions

which will shape the future of your town."

Let's get this cranked up, shall we?

Hey, I was watching that!

- Sorry, what was it?

- Brookside on Channel 4.

Ah, I heard that most people

who watch Channel 4

are Marxist and h*m*.

What's it about, this Brooks/lie?

It's about a group of people

living in Liverpool

having all these problems.

You can see that any time. Let's get

the old Spectrum set up, then, eh?

Get ready to see the future.

Does it always take this long?

No. There must be wrong with

the speed of your television.

'Ere you are! It's doing something now.

Good! Come on!

Come on... Right!

OK, it's obviously a faulty tape.

Let's try Ultimate Fishing.

Right, then, while we're waiting,

shall we crack on with the game?

- Have we got two players?

- Stay where you are, Maurice.

Can't we just have a quick game,

and then...

then we'll go straight back

to the computer?

I will sue them for every penny.

They'll rue the day...

God help them if they ever

come to me for a carpet!

Right, then, Subbuteo.

How it's played is this,

you get 11 players each...

Mum!

You've got your five players each.

- Oh, Brenda!

- Well, who put those down there?

Little men on the floor.

What are we, the South Wales' Toys

and Collectibles Museum? Madhouse!

Psst!

I've still got that ball.

Arr...

Hm! Nice to hear them

having fun, isn't it?

Sometimes it's the simple things, eh?

Oh, my God! The computer's working!

Maurice!

Maurice!

Maurice, come in here

and play Planning Permission.

I think they're happy with the ball, Huw.

All right, I'll play, then.

I'll play the flippin' thing!

Press X to be

the local council official,

or Y to start off as the secretary.

X.

God rest you merry, gentlemen

Let nothing you dismay

Remember Christ our Saviour...

Christmas 1986,

and quite a lot had changed in our

neighbourhood in the past few years.

The miners had gone on strike

and stopped producing coal,

the nation was thrown into chaos.

Dad had gone on strike too for

a few days to show solidarity,

but as he was a traffic warden

people were mostly pretty pleased.

Right,

just turn it by 18 or 19 degrees.

I said 18 or 19. That's nearly 30.

I don't understand why we waited till

Christmas Eve to get the bloomin' thing.

Yeah? It's not you that has to

Hoover up its needles for 24 days.

Why don't you just wait till after

Christmas? No-one notices them.

You want people to think

we like walking around up to our ankles

in forest? What are we, bears?

Might as well be

talking to myself here.

Right, I've put bleach in the toilet

so try and hold it in, please.

And no going in the fridge.

What, no peeing in the fridge?

What were you watching?

The Snowman.

What happened?

Kid builds a snowman,

they fly about, it melts.

Any good?

Didn't think much of it,

to be honest. Far-fetched.

Here come the Cadwaladr boys.

Mmm. Looks like they've been recruiting.

God rest ye merry, gentlemen

Let nothing you dismay...

If they upset your Nativity,

Owen, I'll castrate them.

I'll go out and make sure they

only sing the one song this year.

We're not made of money.

- Plus 45p VAT.

- VAT?

We're trading as a limited company

these days. It's more tax-efficient.

Don't I pay enough rates as it is?!

Merry Christmas! See you next year.

We'll confirm in November.

We're widening our catchment area,

so it could be any time

from the 23rd onwards.

Merry Christmas.

Right, boys, Gregory Street.

Once In Royal David's City.

Let's go'. Let's go'.!

As always,

Uncle Huw and Maurice had brought

the next big thing with them.

The year before they'd given me

a truck that turned into a rebut.

Didn't think much of it.

Impractical.

I did try to get hold of you to see

if you wanted anything,

but, obviously,

you still don't have a telephone.

Well, Geraint still doesn't see the point.

Phone box up the hill still works

perfectly well, thank you very much.

What about that time

those lads jammed an Opal Fruit

in the coin slot?

- We couldn't call anyone for a month!

- No-one died.

My Auntie Rita did!

We missed the funeral!

All right, one person died.

You really should get

one fitted, Geraint.

- Gorwel...

- Huw.

You call someone,

they charge you for it.

You call someone else,

they charge you for that. Never ends.

You're behind the times, Geraint.

We live in a capitalist society now.

You wait till Kinnock gets in.

Conservatives'll be back.

Over my dead body.

I don't know one person

in this town who votes Tory.

They reckon under the Tories

we've all got a lot more

income than before.

- We can afford more luxury goods.

- Oh, I love a luxury good.

Nonsense, "luxury goods".

Machine that washes dishes,

computers, phone line in every

house. What is this, Dallas?

I don't care who it is,

Labour or the flaming Tories!

They're all the bloody same,

isn't it, these politicians?!

Whether it's Thatcher or the ginge,

I'll still be sleeping in a beach hut,

living off Coco Pops!

No-one cares for the working man!

Yes, but you're not a working man,

though, are you, Gorwel.

You haven't got a job.

No, I... I suppose not.

No.

- Who's having a whisky, then?

- You are, I imagine.

Anyway, another good year.

The highlight, of course,

was thoroughly shafting his mother

in the courtrooms.

Normally it's the mum

that gets the upper hand in court,

but not this time. Bang!

I get custody!

Bang! She's gets rented accommodation,

eh, kiddo? Eh?

She hasn't got her own

bathroom any more, has she, eh? Eh?

You're a bit quiet, there, Maurice.

All right, son?

Course he's all right.

- He's doing excellently at school.

- So's Owen.

Maurice captained the Meccano team.

Owen got to the quarterfinals of

Plasticine '86, didn't you, pal?

Maurice's teacher says that he's not

showing any ill-effects at all

from being in a one-parent family.

Didn't she, Maurice?

Maurice!

Maurice was as quiet as usual.

But he'd started to seem

a bit more threatening.

I decided it might be an idea

to stay on his good side.

Going through one of those phases.

You know,

it's... what they're like. They, er...

First of all they idolize you,

then they react against you.

When exactly did

he idolize you, Huw?

Until he started listening to that...

h*m* music.

He loves his art and

his woodwork, that boy.

That Nativity scene's

his pride and joy.

- Obsessed with it, isn't he?

- Yes.

Why'd you make that?

Got me out of playing rugby.

- Still believe in Father Christmas?

- Dunno. Do you?

I dunno.

My father said he doesn't

come round our house.

He said,

"I'm not letting some git

with a white beard get all the credit.

"I sold a lot of rugs to

get you that train set."

Trouble with art, though,

- there's no money in it.

- Oh, there's money in it if you steal it.

Me and some of the boys looked

into nicking the Mona Lisa-

Down Paris, like.

Swines have got it behind a screen now.

Spoilsports.

Anyway... I bet you're wondering

what's in that box.

Well, this year, I decided to get you

a little Christmas Eve present.

This is an artificial tree.

What's the point of that?

No more pine needles on the floor, Bren,

messing up the carpets.

Oh, d'you know,

I've been on at Geraint to do something

about the pine needle problem for years.

Well, eventually, they reckon these

will replace real trees in forests.

Oh, really?!

And no smell.

Beautiful.

Right. just turn it 30 to 35 degrees

anticlockwise. No, anticlockwise.

I don't understand

why we can't just have both trees.

You want people to think

that we're so greedy we have two trees?

What are we, an arboretum?

This is going to be my year, this.

I can feel it.

100 quid on a white Christmas.

One flake of snow falls tomorrow...

Hello! A grand, like.

Where did you get 100?

I got one of those business loans

off the social.

I told them I wanted a hundred quid

to start a DIY company.

So, you defrauded the social services.

Well, it was half-true, like.

I did want a hundred quid.

Anyway, snow comes down overnight,

I've got the equipment

to deal with it.

Who's having a whisky?

You are, I imagine.

What's "castrate" mean?

Sorry, Owen?

You said you'd castrate

whoever knocked over my Nativity.

- What's "castrate" mean?

- Well, it's, erm...

Well, it's, erm...

It's, er...

- Like a haircut.

- Yeah, it's, er... your hair...

Nice one.

Except for your knackers.

A'r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach.

Oi! Oi!

Sosban fach yn berwi ar y tn

Sosban fawr yn berwi ar y llawr

A'r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach...

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Hey, we've not heard

a peep out of them all night.

I bet you they're up there

plotting something now, eh?

Hang the Dj

Hang the Dj

...

It's stupid, Christmas. We're all

just going to die in the end anyway.

Maurice had started talking

quite a bit about death.

On the whole, I think I preferred it

when he didn't say anything.

Bum.

...She just said

it was three times in four years.

All right, let's go for it.

Ready? One, two, three!

Garrr!

Oh, yes!

That's four times in five years.

All right, there we are.

Could have made a few quid

out of that stuff.

Never mind.

Roll on next year, I'll have you.

Well, now, who wants some more potatoes?

Aw, no, thanks.

- I've got 67 left.

- Ah, Brenda, please.

I'll take a doggy bag off you,

if that's all right, Bren?

Last time,

it saw me through till February.

We'll keep the Christmas pudding

until after The Queen's Speech.

- Good idea.

- Have you got a colour TV yet?

No, Geraint still isn't convinced.

Ours has got two million colours.

- Which ones?

- Red, yellow, all the greats.

- Two is enough for me.

- Brings things to life, though, you know.

Do you know that Lenny Henry

is a black fella?

I tell you what programme I like,

the EastEnders.

What's that about?

It's about a group of people living in

London having all these problems.

- Oh, I'll look out for that.

- You haven't got a television, have you?

I've got a little trick up my sleeve, Huw.

What I do, I go down the TV shop

and I watch it through the window.

- You get to see it 20 times that way!

- But you can't hear what they say.

Oh, you get the gist of it.

I saw most of the World Cup like that

and Last Night Of The Prams.

You can hardly watch Last Night

Of The Proms without hearing the sound.

Actually,

I never enjoyed it so much!

Right, listen up,

this is simple.

If you get more than half the ba*ls,

you've won. Now,

our side of the family

is all about winning.

This year,

I carpeted Shirley Bassey's bathroom

whilst your mother is now a dinner lady.

We're winners. Go on.

Right, fingers on hippos.

Ready?

Go!

Keep hitting the lever.

Keep hitting the lever.

Keep hitting the lever.

Keep hitting the lever.

Keep hitting the lever.

- Keep hitting the lever.

- Madhouse, this is.

Keep hitting the lever!

Keep hitting the lever!

Keep hitting the lever!

Keep hitting the lever!

Keep hitting the lever! Stop!

- Stop! Stop! OK.

- Let's count 'em up.

I don't know if it was enough.

Let's just hope there was enough.

It's all right. It was good.

Owen's hippo has ten ba*ls.

Maurice's hippo has nine ba*ls.

Well done, Owen.

Well, it's not about winning, is it?

There's meant to be 20 ba*ls there.

Cracking game, that, lads.

Right, who wants to play find my socks?

There's meant to be 20 ba*ls.

There's obviously one ball missing.

Now, who wants a bit

of Christmas pudding?

No, no, never mind

"who wants a bit of Christmas pudding"!

Where's the 20th ball?

It invalidates the result of the game.

Never mind.

- Where is the other ball?

- Huw, leave it!

There's meant to be 20 ba*ls.

If there's only 19 it turns

Hungry Hippos into a complete farce!

- We can just call it a draw.

- We could, could we?!

A safe little draw. Is that what you want?

Is it? A nice safe little draw

and then we put our petticoats on...

I'll give him petticoats in a minute

No, no, sorry, what we're going to do

is we're going to have a rematch.

- I don't think we should.

- Oh, no, I bet you don't.

You would rather just say

it was a safe draw

and go over there and play with

My Little Ponies or something.

Actually, Huw...

Owen won.

He's offering you a draw out of charity.

- Charity, eh, pal?!

- Mmm.

Well, I tell you what,

at least I don't get my clothes

from a charity shop, eh?

- Oh, do something, Geraint.

- Oh, I think it's just a bit of fun.

I might not have a lot of money, right,

but what I do have I didn't get

by screwing up my marriage

and then screwing over my wife

in court. No offense, Maurice!

At least I earn my money

by providing carpets,

rather than getting sacked

from a meat processing plant

for stealing sheep

and selling them second-hand.

One! I stole one sheep.

At least I've got a nice big house,

big enough for a television and a toilet.

At least I learned how to use a toilet,

Huw,

rather than wetting the bed

until I was 15!

13!

- I was 13.

- Oh, yes, this is just a bit of fun

Right! You and I are going to settle this

once and for all, Gorwel!

Let's have it!

Gorwel, take a hippo.

Uncle Huw, I don't think...

Shut it!

I said...

...take a hippo.

We go...

on three.

One...

- two...

- Ha, ha, ha-ha!

The pudding! Oh...!

- Fire! That's a fire!

- Geraint, get some water.

Fire. It's on fire.

- Don't just stand there!

- Wrap yourselves in a carpet.

I set a mate of mine on fire once

and they wrapped him in a carpet.

- We're not on fire.

- We will be in a minute.

Everyone stand back!

Oh!

A glass of water is no good, Geraint!

Everyone stay where you are!

Geraint, you're useless, away!

- Somebody call 999!

- Has anyone got 10p for the phone?

Oh, my God,

the bloody tree's on fire!

- Anyone got change of a pound?

- We're done for.

- I just need change.

- Oh, my God. For Pete's sake!

I'm dead. We're dead.

- Where's Mum gone?

- I love you, Maurice, my dead son!

- Stand back!

- Brenda!

Go for it, woman.

Oh, my God, Bren, you saved our life.

Good work, Bren.

Aargh!

The fire was already out, Gorwel.

Better safe than sorry, Bren.

Not now, Geraint.

Trivial Pursuit?

Easy, careful you don't knock it.

All right. OK.

Just six degrees more.

Six, mind. Don't go mad.

Hark, the herald angels sing

Glory to...

Christmas 1989,

the '80s were coming to an end,

a terrible recession

was just around the corner.

It was a time of revolution,

the Berlin Wall had just came dawn -

it inspired many people

to dream of change.

It inspired Dad to take down

the fence in the garden.

We 'n' gut a video player

and even a telephone.

- At the third stroke it will be $.13...

- ...precisely.

But we were only allowed

to use it for emergencies.

And we had to make sure

all emergencies happened after 6pm.

Who's been using this phone?

Essential calls only, please.

I might as well

be talking to myself here.

Mum was still cleaning like a maniac

or, as she called it,

"maintaining standards".

It's funny what you think is normal

when you are young.

It wasn't till my first week

at university that I realised

I was the only person

who brought his own tea towels.

Oh...

What you watching?

Ben-Hur.

Hmm. What happened?

Ben-Hur was a Jewish prince who was sold

into sl*very, endured many hardships

and great suffering

before returning to take revenge

in one of the most expensive

closing scenes ever made.

All in Technicolor.

Any good?

Didn't think much of it, to be honest.

No, we didn't think much of it.

Long.

One day it'll be me sitting around

with my feet up

watching people

being sold into sl*very

Well, I never.

The cheek of it.

Your brothers are five minutes early.

What do they think we are,

a drive-in cinema?!

Come on, you two.

Chop-chop. Look lively.

What was really moving about

spending time with Tom Jones,

a man who's had the hits he's had and

the underwear he's had thrown at him,

is that underneath it all,

he's just a man.

A man with a pair of trousers on.

Like you or me.

Does something smell funny in here?

At one point we were on his veranda

and he turned to me, Tom Jones,

and do you know what he said?

"Pass us those biscuits."

That's right. Eats biscuits.

Just like you or I eat biscuits.

Can someone smell

something sort of...?

And that's what you notice

about really great men - humility.

At one point

we were in his swimming pool,

I was on his Lilo -

shaped like a crocodile -

just like a normal person's Lilo.

He turned to me, Tom Jones...

I'm sorry to interrupt you, Huw,

but I think something

smells funny under this tree.

Oh...!

That's my gift to you, that is, Bren.

Oh!

It might be edible.

I look forward to tomorrow.

It might be the biggest

Stilton in Wales, like.

Gosh!

Anyway, I suppose the point

I'm trying to make about Tom Jones,

if I am trying to make a point

at all, is that, above all...

I won a competition

back in the '70s, Bren,

to spend a day with jimmy Savile.

He hardly compares to Tom Jones,

does he?

No.

Good. Right, well, the thing is...

He was running a marathon the week

after so we didn't get up to much.

A bit of circuit training, press-ups.

Oh, I don't think that was worth

interrupting me for, do you?

Oh, gosh, Maurice, you are getting tall.

Yes, he's had a terrific year

of growing. Very impressive year.

Obviously eating all his greens.

No, not just greens - all sorts.

I've had a lady in to cook.

Housekeeper?

...Girlfriend.

Maurice, put the tape on.

Come on, you big lump.

Where did you meet her?

Ah, put one or two...

You know, one or two

personal ads in the...

Been advertising in the lonely hearts,

have you, Huw?

They're called personal ads these days,

Gorwel.

Oh, are they? Right...

What did you put about yourself, Huw?

"Very rich, highly sexual man,

as heard on radio advert.

"Has a large workforce,

hires and fires at the drop of a hat.

"Knows Tom Jones

and has been on Jones's Lilo.

"Would like to meet a woman

with a high sense of hygiene."

Shush! It's starting.

I'll tell you later on.

Oggy. Oggy. Oggy!

Oi, oi, oi!

Oi, oi, oi!

Shush, Maurice.

He's going through one of those phases,

you know.

Listening to all this American music

and having thoughts.

A 'r gath

wedi sgrapo Joni bach oi oi of..

Sosban fach yn berwi ar y tn

Sosban fawr yn berwi ar y llawr

A'r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach...

It didn't work out too well.

Sorry.

Looking back,

I wonder if I'm exaggerating

some of the things

Mum did around the house.

Either that, Or by this time

she was starting to get a bit...

well...

odd.

Number 30, the Rhyses'.

Ok, We Wish You A Merry Christmas. OK'?

Remember to smile.

One, two, three, four...

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas...

Blimey, they're here.

Where's the chequebook?

I tidied it.

Where is the... blasted thing?

I tidied it away.

You know, I'm sure things

in this house just...

sprout legs and walk away.

I might as well

be talking to myself here.

And I wish they'd stop wishing us

a merry Christmas. Oh!

Ah. got it!

What's that flaming racket?!

They come every year.

You're normally too late to see them.

Oh, get rid of them, will you?

We're missing Max here.

- You can pause it.

- It wears the tape out.

Well, just stop it and start again.

It wears the tape out.

Well, can we just watch it another...?

For God's sake, man, think of the tape.

We won't go until we get some

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

and a happy New Year.

Very nice. Merry Christmas.

Now we're going to do some new stuff.

This is Mull of Kintyre.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's not a Christmas song.

We found the whole Christmas thing

a bit limiting.

We see ourselves more as a group

who outgrew the Christmas market.

This is our debut compact disc.

It's not out till next year,

but if you buy it off us now

it's 50p cheaper.

We're trying to watch a video

in there. Can I just...?

Well, if you're not interested

in the new stuff,

we'll leave you with one of

our classics - The Holly And The Ivy.

No, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop!

The holly and the ivy

When they are both full grown

Of all the trees that are in the wood

- The holly bears the crown...

- What's he doing out there?

We're missing Max here.

I'm going to shut them up

myself in a minute!

- Yeah, yeah, you're all talk, you are.

- What's that, Huw?

You, you're all talk.

You're not going to do anything.

Here we go,

the traditional conversation, right.

"Gorwel never achieves anything."

"Gorwel had to sell some of his clothes

this year."

Leave him alone. Never mind.

No, you're right, Huw. I am all talk.

I'm just an idiot

who spends all his money

buying novelty cheeses

for his sister-in-law, like.

I never do anything useful.

I never do anything.

Anything except this.

Gorwel!

...As red as any blood...

...And Mary bore...

That's enough, thank you.

- Bye-bye.

- Hey, what are you doing?

Someone's got to stop 'em.

Why can't it be Gorwel?

Where did you get that whistle from?

I carry it for situations like this.

Do you realise that disturbing

the peace is a crime?

Do you realise that singing badly

is a crime too?

- Do you know who you're talking to?

- Yes. I'm talking to you,

and quite frankly I've had just

about enough of your racket.

I'm trying to watch Max Boyce!

Who the hell wants to watch Max Boyce?

I'll give you one chance

to take that back, boy.

Is he even still alive?

You don't say that about Max.

You don't do that.

Oh!

Watch the Nativity!

Watch it!

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Hold me back!

Hold me back!

Oh, my giddy aunt!

- Oh, can I go out?

- No.

Watch Max Boyce, please.

I don't understand the jokes.

I have never understood the jokes, but

you don't hear me complaining, do you?

It's all about the old days.

The 1970s is not the old days,

is it, Huw?

No.

Wales has gone soft.

It's gone soft, I tell you.

You can't punch anyone.

You can't kick a man's tambourine.

How much did you have to pay?

Because it was Christmas

they let me off with 50 quid bail, like.

Plus another 50

for four taxis to the hospital.

And 20 quid

to the tambourine bloke...

...for his tambourine.

And where are you going to find

that sort of money?

I got a little trick up my sleeve.

A little trick called not paying it.

- They'll catch up with you.

- I'll be all right.

The boys down the aquarium

will have me back, I'm sure of it.

I can lend you the money, Gorwel.

I can't take your money, Huw.

Oh.

OK.

Well...

thinking about it, I, er...

...I might be able to take it.

Right, well...

...offer's there.

The more I consider it, the more I feel

I could definitely... take the money.

Good.

Right.

Who's having a whisky?

I don't think you should have

any more, Gorwel.

I don't think so either...

...but here we go.

I couldn't work out

how Maurice had got so big

that he hardly fitted in the room.

Or how his hair had got like that.

I wondered if a similar thing

might happen to me.

Still, we got along as well as usual.

Snow!

Snow!

Snow!

Gorwel Rhys has

Gorwel Rhys has

Gorwel Rhys has won a grand!

- Gorwel Rhys has won...

- A madhouse, this is.

...a grand!

I've won a grand!

Get down, Gorwel!

- I've won a grand! I've won a grand!

- Gorwel!

That's right.

When we finish with the presents,

let's get sledging, like.

But the snow has melted.

Oh, don't worry about that, Bren.

We'll grease 'em up, like, and off we go.

- I don't think this is a good idea.

- Trust me, Bren.

I waited 15 years for it to snow, like.

Every dog has its day.

You're not an animal, Gorwel.

I'm the closest thing we've got.

Oh, goodness me...

Come on, boys.

Geraint, he can't go tobogganing.

Talk some sense into him, will you?

Geraint!

Um... Gorwel...

Well, this is a stupid idea.

I really don't think...

Oh, you worry too much, Bren.

Yes, well, your problem is

you don't worry enough, Gorwel.

Ah! I can't be doing with

that pessimism stuff.

Who was it that said

I'd never climb Mount Everest,

or take aver Blankety Blank?

But you haven't.

Yet.

- Oh!

- Come on, then, boys.

Let's have it!

Now, the key to winning a sledge race

is all about coming down

that hill as fast as you can.

You are going to go down the hill,

down the hill.

What you mustn't do at any point

is think about going up the hill.

I'm not getting on the flaming sledge.

Don't be ridiculous, boy. How else

are you going to win a sledge race?

You can't tell me what to do.

Are you disobeying me, boy?

I'm not a boy! I'm 16 in two weeks.

I will decide when you're 16,

thank you very much.

Right now you're going to listen to me.

Now, everybody here - everybody -

is waiting for you to get on that sledge.

Do you want to be remembered as the

one who spoilt everybody's fun today?

No-one else thinks we should sledge.

Everyone except you and Gorwel

wants to go home.

What, so you know that, do you? You

know what everybody wants, do you?

Why don't you ask them? Go on.

Let's have a vote.

Who thinks that we should sledge

down this hill?

Well, I don't think much

of the idea, to be honest.

It's treacherous,

but, well, if Owen wants to.

I'm just worried that someone's

going to get hurt,

but if Owen's got his heart

set on it, then...

I don't really fancy it.

There you go. You see?

No-one but you and Gorwel

thinks that we should do it

and Gorwel's not right in the head.

How dare you say that

towards your Uncle Gorwel!

You said it yourself.

You said, "If there was any sense,

"they'd lock him up in the aquarium

and throw away the key."

Um, he's distorting, right? I didn't...

I'll tell you another thing, my boy...

I'm not your boy!

Yes, you flaming well are!

Those tests were inconclusive.

I'm not anyone's boy. I don't need you.

All you've ever done for me

is boss me around, talk down to me.

"Shut up, Maurice." "Go over there,

Maurice." "Maurice, this is my girlfriend.

"She's a dog walker,

but also does erotic dancing."

Nothing wrong with having a dual income.

Well, not this time.

This time you're going to do

what I want,

and we're not sledging down that hill.

- No-one is sledging down that hill.

- Oh, my God!

Watch out!

- Maurice!

- Watch out, Bren!

I told you one day it'd be me

sitting around with my feet up.

Peace on Earth and mercy mild...

You know what you did

was very impressive.

Anybody can look at their father

and see a hero,

but you realised I'm just a man,

like Tom Jones,

and like Tom, I... I make mistakes.

In the New Year, er, I thought perhaps

we could spend some more...

father-and-son time together.

Quality time.

Do you want to go to Alton Towers?

Yeah?

Good lad, yeah,

I know a couple of people there.

Like Tom Jones,

I'll get it shut down for the day

so we can have it to ourselves.

Huw, come back.

Better go and, er, help finish off.

What are you watching?

It's A Wonderful Life.

What happened?

This chap was depressed, and then

it turns out that life is, er, wonderful.

Any good?

I quite liked it.

Everybody, please take you places

at the table. The dinner is prepared.

Come on, Bren. Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,

sorry for the delay.

The Rhys brothers proudly present

the turkey...

...sandwiches.

Oh!

Do you know,

I lave a turkey sandwich.

Oh, hang on a minute, Bren.

I made you a special sandwich, like.

Oh!

- There we are.

- Thank you.

There we are.

Stilton.

Gorwel...

...I don't actually like cheese.

What?! Gone off it, have you?

I've never liked it,

I just didn't know how to tell you.

Well, in that case, Bren,

I apologise for having got you

over ten years' worth of cheese

and cheese-related paraphernalia.

It's the thought that counts.

I must admit, I am a little relieved.

I was having a hell of a time

tracking down Cheeses Of Antarctic

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas!

So although every Christmas was the same,

in a way,

this one was a bit different.

Huw had learned to value his son.

My parents, to value each other.

Gorwel had learned not to go hurtling

towards innocent people on a toboggan.

A lesson he sadly forgot only days later.

And me?

Not sure what I learned, really.

But for what it's worth,

I've passed it on.

Merry Christmas.

...And a happy New Year

Good tidings we bring

To you and your king

We wish you a merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

Oh, bring us a figgy pudding

Oh, bring us a figgy pudding

Oh, bring us a figgy pudding

And a cup of good cheer

We won't go until we get some

We won't go until we get some

We won't go until we get some

So bring some out here

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

And a happy New Year!