09x25 - Fairly Odd Fairy Tales

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

[Upbeat music]

♪

- [Laughing]

- Poof, it's time for bed.

- Not tired.

- He's a little hyper tonight.

I probably shouldn't have let him polish off

The leftover halloween candy.

- What? - Aah!

- You told me a rabid raccoon ate it.

- Rabid raccoon, your son, what's the difference?

They both foam at the mouth.

- Why don't you read me a story until you fall asleep?

Then I'll watch tv.

- [Gasps]

Ooh, read us the story

Of the three little pigs in a blanket.

I hear they come out super hot,

So you got to huff and puff and blow on them.

- That's a cookbook, cosmo.

- Yahoo!

- This is a fairy-tale book.

[Fanfare]

- Yeah!

- Poof, which story do you want to hear?

Jorgen and the beanstalk, or rip stud winkle?

- Hey, that's not what those stories are called.

- Timmy, the fairy tales you grew up with actually happened

To real fairies.

- The names were changed because no one's

Supposed to know we exist.

[Phone ringing]

Turner residence, timmy's fairy speaking.

Thanks a lot, wanda.

Now I can't save % on my car insurance.

- Guys, I'm a little old for fairy tales,

So I'm going to read something slightly more sophisticated.

- Burpman and fartboy.

Nothing says literary classic like a crime-fighting duo

That gets their powers from eating mexican food.

I'll just read the story of cosmorella.

- Ooh, I like this one.

It's about a handsome, green-haired lad,

Who saved % on his car insurance.

- Be quiet, cosmo. [Clears throat]

Once upon a time,

There was a young servant boy named cosmorella,

Who lived with his evil stepbrothers,

Umbrella and mozzarella.

- Seriously, those are their names?

- Oh, sorry, the really clever names, like burpman and fartboy,

Were already taken.

- Anyway, cosmorella was hopelessly in love

With the unbelievably attractive princess wanda.

I mean, we're talking knockout.

- Just get to the story.

- But cosmorella knew that, as a servant boy,

He would never meet her.

- Oh, princess wanda, if only I could meet you,

I know you would love me as much as I love you.

Okay, that hurt, I kissed a thumbtack.

[Grunts] [sighs]

But alas, I'll never get to meet you, 'cause my brothers

Make me stay here all day mopping the suits of armor

And oiling the floors.

Both: whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Both scream]

[Crash]

- Whoops.

Maybe I'm supposed to oil the armor and mop the floors.

- I'd yell at you,

But this floor has never looked more charming,

And by that I mean I'm handsome.

- Excuse me, dear brother, but I am more handsome.

Ay, taco!

Cosmorella, we got an official invitation

To princess wanda's palace ball.

We came to rub it in your face.

[Screams]

Now this suit of armor is rubbing into my face,

Which is still handsome.

- You know, guys, the trick to walking on these floors

Is practice and clenching the buttocks, see?

- Anyway, princess wanda's throwing a ball

To find a husband.

- That's not how you find a husband.

That's how you lose a ball.

- No, you fool.

A ball as in a big fiesta, ole!

- And because princess wanda is so classy,

It's a bowling-themed ball with mini pizzas

And microwavable corn dogs.

- That is classy.

Everyone knows bowling is the champagne of sports.

I got to go to that ball.

Maybe the princess will choose me, cosmorella,

As her suitor.

- [Laughs] don't be ridiculous.

We all know mozzarella and I are the only ones handsome enough

To win princess wanda's heart.

- Face it, cosmorella, if you were to go to that bowling ball,

You'd just strike out.

Get it? It's a bowling joke.

[Laughter]

[Both gasping]

- You got to clench. [Crash]

Oh, princess wanda, I wish I could go to your bowling ball,

But alas, I have a barn to sharpen

And steak knives to paint.

Aah!

- Timmy!

- Gah!

- Stop whacking me with the mop.

- Sorry, you had a fly on your head.

Also, you're hideous.

- I am your fairy godmother,

And I am here to grant you your greatest wish.

You should wish to go to princess wanda's bowling ball.

- Okay, fairy godmother, I wish I could go to that ball,

But I have nothing to wear.

Wow, glass bowling shoes.

- Now you just need a ride.

[Whistles]

[Horn honks]

- Pumpkin taxi, orange on the outside,

Seedy on the inside.

- This is nice. [Sniffs]

It smells like something died in here.

- Yeah, my dreams for a brighter future.

- Now, cosmorella, enjoy the bowling ball,

But remember, when the clock strikes midnight,

Everything will poof back to normal.

Also, the cabby's rates double after :,

And I am not paying for that.

- [Sighs] I haven't met a decent guy all night.

I'm really striking out.

- Princess wanda, I'm umbrella, your future kingpin.

[Chuckles] get it?

It's a bowling pun.

- And I am mozzarella.

I have sexy dance moves to spare.

Spare, it's also a bowling pun, not a pin.

[Grunts]

- Losers. [Beep]

[Both grunt]

[All shout]

- Oh, this is hopeless.

I'll never find my true love.

- Out of the way, people.

The cab meter's running, and my fairy godmother's a cheapskate.

- Who is that handsome bowling pin?

- Princess wanda, you're even more beautiful

Than you are on my poster,

And you don't have a thumbtack in your lip.

Can I have your autograph?

- Of course, handsome stranger.

- Well, that was great. Thanks.

Anyhoo, I'm gonna grab some mini pizzas, hit the men's room,

And take off.

- Wait, how about a dance?

- Okay, but you're coming off as desperate.

[Romantic music]

- You're so skillful on your feet.

You're the only one who hasn't crashed into furniture

Or pulled a hamstring tonight.

- Thanks, I'm an expert at clenching my buttocks.

- I know I've just met you, but I feel like

I've finally found my true love.

- Oh, no, where is he? - [Gasps]

- Because I thought we were really hitting it off.

[Clock chimes]

Aah, everything's poofing back to normal.

- Oh, no, I have to find that handsome stranger,

And I know exactly how to do it.

Have every man in the kingdom try on this shoe.

Except weird leonard.

- I want to smell your hair.

Aah!

- Umbrella, princess wanda is here.

Lock cosmorella in his room, so he can't try on the shoe.

- Princess wanda requests that every man in this house

Try on this shoe.

- She would also like a man to try on

This leopard print sundress.

- No, I don't. That's just you, weird leonard.

- So?

- Princess wanda, I am the man you are looking for.

Observe.

[Grunting]

Fits like a glove that is far too small for my hand.

- Princess wanda, this is clearly my shoe.

It goes perfectly with my glass hat.

- That's a fruit bowl. - No, it's not.

- There's an orange in it.

- That zapatois mine. Give it back.

[Both grunting]

[Both gasp]

- Oh, no!

Now I'll never know who that handsome stranger was.

- Cosmorella, how did you escape?

- My love is so strong, I had to find a way out.

Also, my fairy godmother kicked the door down.

- Give me back my sundress, leonard.

- [Gasps] it's you.

You're wearing one glass shoe.

That means you're my one true love.

- I'm cosmorella.

- Oh, that's a weird name.

From now on, your name is gary hardcastle.

- Okay.

- And princess wanda and gary hardcastle

Lived happily ever after,

Which is what I'll do if poof ever goes to sleep.

- I ate pounds of chocolate.

I'll probably be awake until easter.

Then I'll get more chocolate.

- Hmm, maybe you should read him another story.

How about shrimp louie and the bed of lettuce?

It's about a little shrimp named louie

Who has an edible mattress.

- You're still reading the cookbook, cosmo.

- Oh, really? Would a cookbook say

"Make sure you thoroughly wash and devein the shrimp"?

- Yes.

How about I read the three little fairies?

- Whatever, I'm too grown up for fairy tales.

- But apparently not too grown up for a story

Where the hero farts his enemy off a cliff.

- Back to the fairy tale.

Once upon a time, there were three little fairies.

They all decided to build their houses right next to each other.

- Check it out, guys.

I built my place out of tennis ba*ls.

I can totally play fetch with my own guest bathroom.

- Sparky, that's crazy.

You should've used more sensible building materials,

Like I did.

Behold, my house made of fried cheese sticks.

I also put in a marinara sauce moat.

[Gasps] ouch, ah!

I just burnt the roof of my mouth with the roof of my house.

- My house is made of reinforced steel

And has a high-tech security system.

- Wanda, I think your security system is a little over the top.

There's nothing dangerous around here.

- [Laughs evilly] [both gasp]

Hello, fairies.

It is i, the big, bad foop,

And I am here to huff and to puff

And to blow your houses down,

While rejoicing in every moment of your misery.

- Blow on my house first.

It's hotter than my jalapeño popper house in the poconos.

- Silence! Now prepare to taste my wrath.

- I can't taste anything.

I totally burned my taste buds off with my cheese stick house.

- [Laughs evilly]

[All scream]

- And now cower in fear, as i,

The big bad foop, blow up your houses.

- You have no right to do this.

- Actually, I do.

I used the knowledge I gained

From a prestigious online law school

To legally obtain the deeds to your land.

Minutes on the internet and a $ processing fee,

And voila, I'm a lawyer, the most evil thing there is.

- Can you give me your business card?

The feds are after me for transporting

Hot cheese sticks across state lines.

- I didn't spring for the cards. They were an extra $..

- Why do you want our land to begin with?

- If you must know, I'm building my new fast food restaurant,

Fast foop.

We'll have foop burgers, foop fries, and for dessert,

A free foop of ice cream.

- What flavor ice cream?

- Death! I mean spumoni.

Now, stand aside as I decimate your homes.

[Tense music]

♪

Listen up, pooch.

As previously stated, I'm going to huff and puff and--

Oh, who am I kidding?

Your house is made of tennis ba*ls.

- I can't decide between fetching the ba*ls

And running for safety.

- Perhaps this will help your decision.

- [Screams]

- Smart thinking, you nitwit.

There's nothing safer than a house made of soft cheese.

By the power vested in me, by sleazylawdegree/\cheapskate.biz,

I will now huff, then subsequently puff,

And I'll blow your house up!

Ow!

Scalding hot marinara sauce!

Cry, cry, yelling-in-pain sounds.

- You're probably gonna want some red pepper flakes

To go with that.

- [Screams] - [screams]

[Panting]

- I'm gonna blow this place up, so you three better get out.

On second thought, stay in. It's more fun for me.

- Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin.

- Wow, wanda, you look like a billy goat.

- Look, here, foop.

You'll have to destroy all of us before we hand over our land.

- As previously stated,

I'm looking forward to doing just that.

Huh, I guess that's why they call it reinforced steel.

Well, if I can't destroy your house,

I can at least relocate it.

[All scream]

Now that those pesky fairies are hurtling through space,

I can finally open up my fast foop restaurant.

Whoops, almost forgot my restaurant slogan:

"Have it my way, or suffer indescribable pain

For all eternity."

[Laughs evilly]

I'm officially open for business.

I know, I'll be my first customer.

One foopy meal, please.

Here you go, come again, and might I say,

You're a very attractive customer.

Ooh, the service here is delightful.

[Whistling] what is that whistling noise?

[Screams]

Are you kidding? [Grunts]

I should've gotten that foopy meal to go.

[Screams]

- Your super-safe house saved us, wanda.

- And I think we've all learned

A very valuable lesson today.

- Yeah, when wanda builds a house,

She totally ignores the hair on her chinny-chin-chin.

Seriously, let me get that sucker.

Come on, sparky, let's get that billy goat!

- [Screams]

And the three little fairies lived happily ever after.

The end.

Oh, good, poof is asleep.

- Read another one, wanda.

- I thought you said you were too old for fairy tales.

- Yeah, but you're never too old for shady cab drivers

And exploding houses.

Also, I finished the burpmancomic.

- Why don't you read the story of chicken parmesan

And a side salad with a country herb dressing?

Ah, the country herb, he's always up to something.

- No, I'm going to read the story

Of snow wanda and the seven fairies.

- Wait, why do we have to read all the stories you're in?

- 'Cause I have the book. Ahem.

Once upon a time, there was a fairy named tooth.

She owned a duplex and had a tooth collection,

Which was kind of creepy, but she was beautiful,

So no one said anything.

- Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairiest of them all?

- Gee, I don't know how to tell you this,

But it's definitely not you.

Oh, wait, I just did. - What?

- Yeah, I mean, you're not bad,

For a middle-aged lady who doesn't work out that much,

But snow wanda is the fairiest of them all.

- That pink-haired goody-two-shoes

Who rents my downstairs unit?

How could she possibly be the fairiest?

- Well, for starters, she doesn't have

A creepy tooth collection.

Second, she doesn't talk to her mirror,

Like a crazy person.

- Well, who cares if snow wanda is the fairiest?

It's not like there's a handsome prince

Coming to town or anything.

- Oh, but there is.

His name is prince john.

He's single and rich because he's--

- You had me at single and rich.

- Uh, I don't know how to tell you this,

But I don't think you stand a chance

If snow wanda's in the picture.

Oh, wait, I just did.

- I'll have to get rid of snow wanda.

I know, I could put snakes in her bed,

Or I could put snakes in her pantry.

What? I have a lot of snakes,

And I need to do something with them.

- And yet another reason you're creepy.

- Wait, I have an even more evil idea.

[Laughs evilly]

[Air conditioner whirring]

- Oh, no, my creepy landlady turned off

My air conditioning.

She's clearly trying to destroy me.

[Screaming]

[All growling]

[Screaming]

Oh, that was close.

Forgive me. I'm snow wanda.

My landlady's trying to annihilate me,

And I need a place to hide.

- Hello, snow wanda, allow me to comfort you

With my muscles.

- Back off.

Ignore him. He is sleazy.

- You can say that again.

- No, that's his name, you pink-haired trespasser.

I'm grouchy, and these are my roomies.

Snappy...

- Hey. [Snaps fingers]

- Meanie...

- [Laughs]

- Barky...

- What's shaking, toots?

Uh, I mean, bark.

- Bouncy...

- I dribble in two ways.

- And dr. Rip studwell.

- You look hot and bothered.

I'm writing you a prescription for more me.

- Anyway, snow wanda, you can hide

From your landlady in our kitchen.

It's so messy, she'll never find you there.

- And maybe while you're in there,

You could do some cleaning.

I can't see my handsome face in any of the reflective surfaces.

- What?

- You know, wash a few dishes, mop the floor,

Maybe clean out the refrigerator.

Barky made some homemade guacamole

That smells like a bowl of throw-up.

- Look at it this way-- if you pretend to be

Our housekeeper, no one will be suspicious.

- Well, I guess if it'll keep me

Out of the tooth fairy's clutches.

- Oh, I see what we're doing.

Perhaps she should hide in the laundry room and do a load.

I've been going commando for weeks,

And snappy won't let me borrow his diapers.

- Your square butt will stretch them out.

- I have a better idea.

Snow wanda should move my weights

From the basement to the attic.

- No, clean my room.

- No, do my laundry.

- No, unstretch my diaper.

- Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Now who's the fairiest of them all?

- Oh, it's you.

Just kidding, it's still snow wanda.

- What? But I drove her out of town.

- No, you drove her a block away to the seven fairies' house.

See? - Oh, no.

With her around, I'll never get prince john.

Well, you know what they say.

- That talking to a mirror is the first sign of insanity?

- No, if at first you don't succeed,

You poison someone with a caramel apple.

- No one says that. - I just did.

- [Groans]

Now how exactly is the front yard a good hiding place?

- I see your point.

Just put on this ski mask and keep mowing.

- Hello there, you look like you could use a snack.

- And you look like you could use a shave.

- Here, have a glowing caramel apple.

- Mmm, this is deliciou--

- [Laughs evilly]

- Oh, no, what have you done to our sl*ve?

I mean that poor girl we took in and helped.

- I poisoned her.

Now nothing will stand between me and prince john.

- Wake her up, or the homeowners' association

Will fine us for having an unconscious girl on our lawn,

Again.

- I couldn't wake her up even if I wanted to,

Which I don't.

She can only be woken up by a kiss

From her one, true love.

- Did anyone hit it off with the cleaning lady?

If so, kiss her.

She hasn't moved my weights yet.

- [Gasps] the prince is here.

Out of the way, plunger head, I'm looking for prince john.

- You found him, except I'm cosmo,

The prince of johns.

I sell high-end toilets.

- You're prince john?

But you're supposed to be handsome and rich.

- Well, I am flush with cash, get it?

Toilet humor.

[Laughter]

- Okay, I am not marrying you.

If you'll excuse me, I have a mirror to break.

- Ooh, a pretty lady.

Bigger ooh! She's got caramel on her lip.

Must be my lucky day.

Mwah!

Beautiful maiden, how would you like to be

My queen of latrines?

- I don't know what that means,

But anything beats hanging out with these clowns.

And that's how snow wanda met her prince.

- I got to say, those fairy tales

Are pretty good, considering they had characters

Who didn't fart or burp.

- That's what you think.

Wanda didn't read the part after cosmorella ate

The mini pizzas at the bowling ball.

- Speaking of mini pizzas, I could go for a bedtime snack.

- How about a foopy meal?

Eat it fast, because I'm kicking you out

To build a fast foop restaurant in your room.

- Sure, foop, but first, how would you like

A glowing caramel apple?

- Is it free? - Yep.

- Don't mind if I do.

Sleep, snore, sleep--

- He's gonna be here awhile 'cause I am not kissing him.

- And we all lived happily ever after.

- My diaper is all stretched out.