we need to have that discussion about
your worm pants in the kitchen again oh
I see so you want to [ __ ] in the
bedroom and a daddy in the kitchen just
get dressed we're meeting Linda and her
new boyfriend and a half hour all right
but I'm telling you this better be a
short night I don't care where we are at
nine-thirty the pants are coming off
fine just don't forget him like last
time no not enough your sister has to
date these losers why do I have to date
them to even has her family and that's
what you do for a family besides it
hasn't been that bad not that bad let's
take a look at the winners she's ticked
in the past it was the last guy she
dated huge beard the Civil w*r buff sir
sweats a lot and oh let's not forget
neck tattoo guy also known as can't
leave the state not easy out there no
but obviously your sister is give her a
break she's still waiting for the right
guys not willing to settle like I do how
did you sit does the man with no pants
and a raw wiener in his family better
come on
it got three minutes I only need to cuz
I'm half undressed
[Applause]
[Music]
so I keep trying to put my key to my
card re working and I'm like why was key
not working it's mike clark and then
this cute guy comes over and he's like
hey what are ya tryin to break it in my
car and I'm like breaking into his car
when talking about okay you both drive
the same kind of car what a great story
if it's done then the answer is yes
that's good wait a minute how did you
guys mean I was pretty much like your
story except we were both trying to get
in the same pair of pants pants 823 bill
and I met in high school it's a classic
American love story boy meets girl girls
kind of stoned boy had nachos well eric
has taken me to the symphony this
weekend yeah it should be fun my law
firm has a box there that's fantastic oh
you like the symphony no I thought that
was my steak coming well before dinner
does come I better hit the little boy's
room I'll be our back oh isn't it crazy
adorable oh yeah yummy although he did
call the men's room the little boy's
room so don't get your hopes up in the
down there department if you know that's
what I said get a beer now the waitress
will bring you into here not fast enough
Eric oh hey Bill I was on my way to the
bathroom and I got sucked in John
Mellencamp behind the music i love this
one yeah I'm a huge Mellencamp fan
really I remember seeing him concert at
U of I and 86 the opening act was a
young man named George Thorogood I went
to that concert i was there you went to
you of i yeah i was there from 86 to
about three weeks later in 86 good times
I just love going to that school did you
ever go to that bar that was done on
third yes no the waitress that worked it
always worthy yes well you know she and
I we know yeah oh you're my hero dog I'd
be honest I was not too thrilled about
mean another girlfriend's family but
you're all right you're not too bad
yourself we should get back to wait wait
Mellencamp's about to have his heart
attack so yeah yeah it really makes you
think you really got to watch yourself
why here butter says laying on that high
stakes race for the big
oh he's got him in a subatomic headlock
oh that's gotta hurt actually I can tell
you from experience it does hurt you
were wrestling no just married when Eric
seemed to hit it off you know it's
freaking me out that's the bill if
there's no Erica's a classy guy and
worry bill gonna try and teach him how
to burp the alphabet give me some credit
he's not that bad Judy do we have any
hot dogs Eric's never eaten one straight
from the package before see what he's
doing there now you don't have to cook
until they opened up this new barbecue
place in my neighborhood you and me she
goes something Wow guys night out it's
been a while all my friends are married
or have kids or I don't like we're
friends are we yeah I guess we are you
haven't seen a lot of each other we like
to say music same sports cryin out loud
we even finish each other's sentences
here
yeah but you know what sucks about that
now we're out of beer well maybe it's
just as well it'll give me some more
time to spend with my kids Brian what
come down here I want to talk to you
really yeah how you doing give me a beer
Wow bill that's not very nice no no hold
on Brian Eric's right grab him 12 when
he brings the beers don't open them
right away he usually shakes them first
you guys going out with Derek and Aunt
Linda again yeah and they're leaving me
in charge make sure your homework is
done okay so if i get done early do you
think she could teach me how to play
chess really that's great Lauren SF
checkmate loser funny Lauren we're gonna
need that sense of humor when you're
serving cocktails at an Indian casino
I'm sure where your sister winds up
serving cocktails it'll be plant Derek
here don't I heard him no they're not
here yet why you wearing that sweatshirt
that's where I went to college you went
there for three weeks yeah but I lived
in the dorm for six months besides Eric
went to you of i 2 i thought he'd get a
kick out of it are you one after she
well when I shave I put on after shave
you shaved at six o'clock at night why
is that so unusual you didn't shave on
our wedding day in all fairness neither
did you oh this is so cute you're
getting all dolled up for your new best
friend and excuse me aren't you the one
who told me how important family was
supposed to be well one day I hope to
welcome Eric into this family I'm not so
sure you should be our greeter I had the
worst day of my life where's the boot
what's going on I broke up with Eric
what
Oh what bastard cheatham oh my god what
happened oh I'm so went over there to
give him a little surprise and I
surprised he was with another woman
can't believe this guy did this to you
now now wait a minute before we jump to
conclusions maybe there was a perfectly
good explanation for the woman in the
shower with him maybe he didn't know she
was in there shut up honey I'm sorry I
know I am too just really thought this
car might be the one me too is it but
there will be others plenty of others
right bill not like him yeah yeah yeah
plenty of us lots of fish in the sea
couldn't you just knocked all right come
on we'll make a pitcher of margaritas do
our nails and we'll throw darts with the
picture of the guy who dumped you just
like me you make it sound so routine I'm
sorry honey change got something
underneath this outfit is very
uncomfortable well I'm very
uncomfortable that Eric is real Jaquish
I can't believe he did that he's really
gonna hear it from me when we go bowlin
this weekend you're totally empty or is
there like fruit punch what we can't go
bowling with Eric remember what we said
about family will he just screwed over a
member of our family can never talk to
him again but but he's my friend well
you're gonna have to find another friend
I don't want to find another friend I
like Eric what's you bad oh come on Judy
that's not fair first you make me be
friends with and now you say I can't i
can do what i want i'm gonna call eric
right now all right you know what feel
fine if you want to call Eric call Eric
really yeah he hurt my sister really
really bad my baby sister wife taking
care of my whole life but if you want to
call him go ahead there's a phone
you can get to that phone you could call
I hate it when you do that one watching
wrestling yeah are you okay bill you
haven't moved all day my move couches my
only friend well I know a toilet
upstairs that's gonna be very jealous
hello Eric the hell are you doing
calling here yeah yeah you're screwed up
you screwed up big time I shouldn't even
be talking to you how you doing yeah I
saw cops last night that guy did not
look like me all right maybe a little no
no no I'm pretty happy with the long
distance service I have right now sorry
two of us in the room look I gotta go
what Springsteen concert no I can't
luxury box no no there's no way because
family something about family backstage
passes oh man you're k*lling me oh how
can I say no to that many free weekend
minutes ok try I'll meet you in the
parking lot a lot of minutes that's a
lot a minute
man that was pretty good barbecue huh
pretty good those ribs were sex I'd be
asleep right now I'm grab a beer now I
got to be home for dinner you're gonna
eat dinner now hey man's gotta do what a
man's gotta do to be with another man so
you want me to drop you in and walk
again happy great I just need having a
sneak around like is to you ever gonna
cool off enough firsthand again I mean
it's been two weeks I don't know you did
cheat on her sister I know I'm an idiot
I didn't mean to do it it's just that my
ex girlfriend shows up right she's not
wearing anything on under her coat next
thing I know I'm in the shower with her
what are you gonna do wake up for my
dream and try and get some from Judy all
right well here we are oh by the way
that Hawks red wings game we were gonna
go to tomorrow night I can't make it I
gotta work plane man i really wanted to
go to that game i think i'm looking at
an all nighter so see that's why I work
at a department store no all nighters
well except that one time I got locked
in it was a bad night I slept on a
waterbed wore a tuxedo
oh hey look who's home for changes such
he had inventory every night for two
weeks oh yeah well we were counting and
counting and counting glam we decided to
just call it a butt load and go home
hockey game on his plan aux Red Wings
big game okay you'd really love to be a
bit what are you gonna do I told Linda
i'd go with her stupid pottery class or
maybe i won't watch it now maybe I'll
tape it can we watch it together later
yeah if I had not really slept with you
like a gazillion times maybe you could
make a little TV out of clay and watch
that oh what a check welcome to chicago
job doc clays getting right caller after
first period and make something up about
the case uh-huh that's why we had him
want a beer yeah get me one too Ryan can
we talk
I guess I should throw in an actual talk
every once in a while just to throw him
off there Derek clear hey berries at the
game hi not two guys checking each other
into the board that can't be yes well
the hell that guy with I don't know okay
I do I care what I just want to know
what's not a person would hang out with
a cheater a damn cheater what you doing
I'm online I'm a good guy right before I
go any further you and Mama breaking up
I'm going with her no no no what I mean
is you were my age we'd probably be
friends right hang out and stuff fine
with me but after a long hard day at
work what you really want to hang out
with your boss yeah that's a good one
how's the shaven coming I'm just
seriously if we were friends you
wouldn't blow me off right make other
plans behind my back hello it's kind of
a hypothetical situation it is not it
means a made-up situation now that I'm a
grown man Venus cracks me up dad you've
been moping around here for two days
what's going on nothing I just want to
hang out have some guy fun with my guy
oh sorry sorry maybe I should just go no
want to hang out that's cool right so
what are we up to I'm in the middle of
an online chat whoo what's the hot topic
symmetries and geometrical coordinates
ah see here's the tangent and here's the
x coordinates uh-huh and this number
works is slow haha so we were looking
for cosine haha you're trying to think
of a way to leave already did hey Bill
oh good Linda's here here's a surprise
for you she's leaving that's so sweet
hey Bill what's he doing here Eric and I
had a very long discussion yesterday and
Eric realized that he made a terrible
mistake and he's willing to fully commit
to making our relationship work PU what
a load of crap bill I'm sorry but this
guy is a cheater once a cheater always a
cheater you are a cheater mr. isn't that
right cheater please stop saying cheater
so we need to support this decision
besides I thought you lefty right I'm
sorry Judy but I can't just stand by and
watch Lynn to get my heart broken again
did you just say my heart no I didn't
say my heart he broke Linda's heart by
sneaking around with another guy you
mean other woman oh you picked a hell of
a day to start listening to me what was
that all about I saw you what I saw you
with the game with that other guy next
time if you want to be a liar and a
cheat don't get such good seats bill
there was a perfectly good explanation i
do i wanted to go to that game you know
it look I'm really sorry all right it
was a good friend and he was in
chromatic home really what was he
wearing under his coat let me tell you
something I deserve better than this
snuck around with you behind my wife's
back for two weeks what what you snuck
around with him behind my back to plan
that surprise party for you and this is
the I got nothing I can't believe you
will I'll but they're back together now
so everybody's okay no everybody isn't
your family obviously means nothing to
you and it you were supposed to go to
that hockey game with Eric that's why
you got so upset when we were watching
last night what what you were supposed
to go to my pottery class with me what
you said you couldn't go because you had
to go to laurens dance recital what
Lauren honey remember your dance recital
last night and how I was there but then
it started to rain and they told us all
to go home and watch hockey yeah like
you would lie for me sorry Linda but I
love hockey and come on pottery class I
can't believe you like me can't believe
you lied to me want to see what's on TV
sure oh that sounds great Linda yeah
I'll see you tomorrow night crap mother
to go with Linda to some stupid French
pastry class every thursday for the next
six weeks well you know she is your
sister it's important that your
supporter we don't get to bring any of
the pastries home when that blows
there's me right for lying and there's
nothing but trouble down that road
especially with family don't I know it
hey question I'm started chicken up some
college catalogs you guys are Finland
money for my college fund right yeah of
course every week great thanks a lot
okay that does it that is our absolute
last line
[Music]
I wouldn't have
way cuz you make me
[Applause]
01x07 - Still Cheating
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Bill and Judy Miller are a blue-collar Chicago couple trying to raise three children responsibly without sacrificing their youthfulness.
Bill and Judy Miller are a blue-collar Chicago couple trying to raise three children responsibly without sacrificing their youthfulness.