Devil's Rejects, The (2005)

[bunniefuu]

Mr. Dobson ...

it's time for us to do what the good Lord
would refer to as a cleansing of the wicked.

And what my brother, George,
God rest his soul ...

used to call 100% Alabama a*s-kicking.

So you think we're gonna die here today?

Dying's not an option.

Now, you stick that back in that gray matter
of yours and you make that stick.

'Cause any other thought's gonna get you
cold-slabbed, toe-tagged ...

and mailed home to your mama
in a plastic bag. Are we crystal?

Crystal, sir.

Gentlemen!
Let's do what God made us to do!

This is Sheriff John Quincey Wydell ...

of the Ruggsville County
Sheriff's Department.

You're completely surrounded!

You have no chance of escape!

Now would be the time
to vacate the premises peacefully!

f*ck.

There's a million f*cking cops.

Come on.

Otis, them f*cking pigs are everywhere.

Tell me something
I don't already f*cking know.

We gotta f*cking do something!

You're completely surrounded!
You have no chance of escape!

I count 10 cars, about 45 pigs.

I know, I know! sh*t! f*ck! sh*t! f*ck!

sh*t, where the f*ck is Tiny?

I ain't seen Tiny.

Tiny? I think he went out last night.

Look, everybody shut up.

Mama, what's the matter?

I keep thinking about old times.

Like when you was a f*cking baby.

You know, you looked like an angel.

I know, Mama,
you told me that a million times.

Yeah.

Gentlemen!

On the count of three!

- Ready?
- Yeah.

One!

- I love you, Mama.
- I love you, Baby.

Two!

Let's go.

Three!

m*therf*ckers!

Die, you f*ck!

- f*ck, you okay?
- Yeah! You?

Yeah. f*ck!

Ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go, go!

Hold your fire!

- Dobson, get some tear gas in that house!
- Yes, sir.

Mama!

Come on! Come on! Let's go! Let's go!

Do not f*cking move!

I advise you to lower that weapon.

I'm sorry, Sheriff ...

but you ain't getting me.

Looks like you ain't getting off that easy,
huh, b*tch?

All right, everybody, listen up!

I want this place gone over
with a fine-toothed comb.

Wherever these f*ck are,
they gotta be close.

I am standing outside the perimeter ...

of what is turning out to be
the most horrific crime scene ...

since Jack the Ripper stalked
the streets of London.

What police have uncovered reads like this:

"Words can't describe it.

"Human skulls used as ornaments.

"Body parts stuffed in refrigerators."

And I can't believe what it says here.
"A mass grave of decomposing bodies ...

"dumped under the crawl space
of the house."

Hey, Chief.
You might want to check this out.

- What?
- I don't know.

Jesus H. Christ. The m*therf*cker.

What? You recognize the clown?

Yeah, his name is Spaulding.
Captain f*cking Spaulding.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Give it. Give it to me.

- Yeah!
- Yeah! Ride the horse, baby!

- Ride it, ride it, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- You're the Captain.

Oh, yeah, honey! Give it to me.

- You're the Captain. Come on, baby.
- Yes! Yes!

Oh, ride it, baby. Ride it. Ride it. Ride it.
Feels so good.

Yeah, give it up! Give it! Give it!

- You're the Captain.
- Yeah! Oh, come on, baby!

Ride it, oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Deeper, Daddy! Deeper!

- Oh, yeah!
- Deeper, Daddy! Deeper!

Oh, honey,
you're getting a good ride tonight.

Next time you're gonna have to pay me.

Did you just call me a f*cking wh*re?

I calls them like I sees them.

Really? You think I'm a f*cking wh*re?

I don't think it, I know it.

wh*re this, f*ck.

Hey, hey, hey!
Come on now, baby, hold on.

I'm just messing with you.
You know us clowns. We like to ...

We like to just fool around a bunch,
you know. Come on.

Yeah.

Laugh.

Clown, laugh!

Honey.

What's the matter, bad dream?

Yeah, 50-50.

You wanna fool around some more?

Oh, Jesus Christ, woman,
I gotta take a piss.

No.

Hey, didn't you get enough a*s-banging
last night?

God damn it, my d*ck is still sore.

Come on, I'm horny.

Most guys like that quality in a girl.

Yeah, except you're acting like
some kind of spastic mongoloid in heat.

- f*cking b*tch.
- Hurry.

- Where is it?
- Just calm down, it'll be on in a minute.

- There it is.
- You're there.

You look so sexy.

Well, howdy, folks.
It's your pal Captain Spaulding again.

Yes, I'm here to tell you
about a brand-new attraction.

Mary the Monkey! Oh, yeah, that's right.

This here little honey
is half real human, half monkey ...

I love that monkey.

... I brought all the way
from the wilds of Borneo.

So y'all come in, make sure you bring
little Johnny and Suzy with you.

She'll scare the holy guacamole
out of them.

And remember, while you're down here ...

pick up your "Captain Spaulding
for President" T-shirt.

Yes, yes.

All shapes and ... .

Hey, what the f*ck? What the f*ck is this?

I paid good money
for this g*dd*mn commercial.

Sheriff, News Update.
What is the situation here now?

- situation?
- Yes, what's the situation?

Now what? God damn it!

Yeah, what?

- Daddy, you gotta get out of there.
- What?

The pigs hit us this morning real bad.
You gotta get out now.

- Who's that?
- Shut the f*ck up.

They're gonna be coming for you, too.

All right, all right. Just calm down, Baby.
Calm down, now.

I'll meet you at the Kahiki Palms Motel,
just like we always planned.

Yeah, okay.

I'll be there as soon as I possibly can,
all right?

All right, just go now.

Poopie, what do you need a g*n for?
Where are we going?

You ain't going nowhere, b*tch.

- Poopie, I'm worried.
- Get out of my f*cking way.

If you're out there listening to this,
I got a message for you.

I'm coming to get you.
And you can't run forever.

You're gonna have to stop
somewhere, sometime.

And when you do, I'm going to be there
to put the wrath of the Lord up your a*s.

Poopie, don't go.

God damn it, stop calling me Poopie!

- Leave me alone, woman!
- I want my Poopie.

- Leave me alone!
- Poopie, no!

In an attempt to help
the Ruggsville Police Department ...

we here at News Update would like to show
you these mug shots of the suspects ...

known to have escaped
during the raid earlier this morning.

$100 ...

$150 ...

$175 ...

$184?

What? Candy!

What?

Candy, come on down here!

Get ... Come on, cut that out. Turn it off.

Candy, come down here!

Come on down here!

All right, sh*t.

What?

This is bullshit, baby! What is this?

What do you want me to say?
It's a slow f*cking night, boss.

All them farmers want
is a quickie hand job, and boom!

$10.

Back on their tractor,
save the real f*cking for the sheep.

Jesus, Candy,
you gotta figure a way to hook them in.

You gotta hustle that p*ssy.

Find a new angle,
and you might attract a higher clientele.

Yeah, well,
I've been thinking about that, right?

I was thinking about something spacy,
you know, like that Star Wars sh*t.

You know, all them losers
wanna f*ck Princess Leia, right?

- I'd f*ck her.
- Thank you.

I don't know.

You start messing with that spacy sh*t and
you'll really bring out some sick b*tches.

They'll all want to pretend they're robots.

Last thing I need is horny robots
running around, tripping over sh*t.

- Droids, boss, they call them droids.
- Whatever!

I still say it's risky.

Wong's Hong Kong Gardens,
Mr. Wong speaking.

Cut the sh*t, Charlie. It's me, Cutter.

I got a serious meltdown going on
down here and I need a place to cool out ...

so I'm coming down.

f*ck, man, I don't think it's such
a great idea, you coming around here.

I am coming down now.

- Whoa, hold on. Hold it.
- f*ck.

Hold it!

f*ck.

Man, I don't see him.

sh*t, where the f*ck is he?

Jesus, can we get over this already?

I mean, I just don't find it funny anymore.

I don't know. It's still pretty funny.

I'd say so.

I hate to be the one to tell you
"I told you so" ...

Then don't!

But riding a mechanical bull
is not as easy as it looks.

Technically, she had a pretty good ride.
Until tragedy struck.

Hey, the lesson here is that ...

tube tops are not the proper attire
for bull riding, Gloria.

I agree with you.

You're gonna have to put a harness
on them little suckers, honey.

Know how her t*tties were flapping around
when she was bouncing on that bull?

My t*tties don't flap!

They looked like two raccoons
in a gunnysack fighting to get out.

Adam, shut up!

When her top fell down,
I was going to pee myself!

"I was going to pee myself!" You're just
jealous 'cause you don't have any t*tties.

Oh, Gloria, come on.
No reason to get mean, now.

Come on, honey.

You had one titty going this way
and one titty going that way.

It was pretty amazing.

Chances are pretty high
you made a few fans that night.

Oh shut up, dipshit.

Well, I told Johnny Cash, and he said ...

Did you know
I shook hands with Johnny Cash once?

Oh, Roy ...

how about, honey, you go find me
the ice machine, huh? I need a drink.

Well, I'll get you the ice, but you gotta
promise us an encore tomorrow.

Roy.

You wish, honey. Don't you wish?

The babies are going into seclusion.

The leader of this group ...

who is somewhat of a local celebrity,
goes by the name of Captain Spaulding.

Along with two other suspects,
known as Otis Driftwood ...

- Oh, sh*t! f*ck! sh*t! f*ck!
- Calm down.

... police uncovered what they call ...

- Don't worry, I'll get us a room.
- Well, hurry the f*ck up.

- f*ck you!
- f*ck you!

... in the family's basement.

Police revealed today that they believe ...

most of the victims were drugged,
kidnapped and sexually assaulted ...

- Damn it. f*ck.
... before they were m*rder*d.

Hey, Roy, I was doing some research
on that thing I was telling you about.

- What thing?
- Rodeo clowning.

Rodeo ...

A rodeo clown. You been smoking dope.

Yeah. I mean, no, not right now.

Let me tell you something.

You spend one second in that pen ...

and that bull'd have his horn up your a*s
and sticking out your pecker.

That's exactly what I thought you'd say.

You know, you can never be supportive
of anything I wanna do.

What do you want me to say?

That you're dressed for the part
and you're headed in the right direction?

Well, Adam was saying ...

You know,
I've always been good with animals.

I mean, dogs love me, and ...

isn't a horse kind of like a big dog?

I don't know.

No, you're not clown material.

Forget it.

I'm gonna walk on over to the gas station.
You want anything?

No. Yes! Get me some of that beef-jerky.

Thanks for talking.

You know, I could have been
on that pit crew down in North Carolina.

Yeah.

Hey, pussycat.

Hey, got a light?

No. I don't smoke.

My doctor says
I got lungs like a professional athlete.

Oh, I get it. You wanna live forever.

Yeah. Yeah, well ...

So, what, are you
on vacation all by yourself or something?

Yeah. No.

I'm actually out here
with my singing group.

I do the lead singing for it.
It's called Banjo and Sullivan.

I used to sing with Johnny Cash.
He shook my hand.

I love famous people.

They're so much better than the real thing,
you know?

Well, yeah, I suppose they are.

I bet all the girls wanna f*ck you.

Would you say that again?

I bet all the girls wanna f*ck you.

Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?

Trust me, fellow, that ain't the only thing
I do with this mouth.

Don't tell me that.
You said what? Say that again.

That ain't the only thing I do
with this mouth.

It's so depressing.
Well, let's talk about some of the symbols ...

of these groups, like the inverted cross,
or the pentagram, or the number 666 ...

left at the scene of the crime.
What do you think about that?

This is not an isolated incident.

Well, members of these cults realize they
have no chance of attacking God directly.

So the next best thing ...

Oh, hey, Adam,
could you switch this for me?

I just can't stand
to hear about this anymore.

Do I look like Roy?

I'm Sullivan.

Roy Sullivan.

Well, Roy Sullivan ...

you gonna take me back to your room
and play with me?

My wife's in that room.

Or is my brother gonna have to sh**t
your f*cking teeth out of your head?

What?

Okay let's go, Hoss, move it.

Just makes me sick to my stomach ...

to think that we live in a world
where there are satanic cults.

Come on, Gloria, it's a bunch of crap.

- I don't know.
- Well, look at these two idiots.

They're just exaggerating all this sh*t
to try and kick up ratings.

They wanna get people scared,
so they stay at home and buy TV dinners.

f*ck me running.

I don't know about that yet.
Been busy down in Ruggsville.

Ruggsville? Ruggsville can kiss my a*s.

Ain't nothing but a bunch of local
cousin-f*ck corn-holing the livestock.

Could you just
switch it for me anyway, please?

Jesus Christ, I don't know
how Roy puts up with your sh*t.

What is taking Roy so long anyway?

Hey, whoa.

On the bed! Now! Get on the bed!

- Whoa, easy with that.
- Get on the bed!

Easy.

- What's going on here, Roy?
- Shut up!

Quiet! Quiet!

- Roy, what the hell is this?
- sh*t.

God damn it, look at that jacket!

- What?
- On TV.

Well, f*ck the TV.

f*ck the TV? f*ck you!

Hey, f*ck you! Will you just keep your head
on the business at hand here?

- Who's in the shower?
- Oh, that's my wife.

- God damn it! Or what?
- Don't f*cking touch her!

I'm sorry, what are you gonna do, man?
What the f*ck are you gonna do?

I want to know,
what the f*ck are you gonna do?

Wendy!

Get the f*ck out here! Come on!

Don't hurt her, please.

Now, is this everyone?

Hey, Roy. Open up.

I got some of that
Dr. Corndog's hickory-smoked jerky.

Who the f*ck is that?

That's Jimmy. He's our roadie.
I forgot all about him.

Baby, are you all right?

Now I know I can't trust you.

I'll go.

Hey.

I'm sorry, I got the wrong room.
I'm looking for Room number 2.

No. You got the right room. Come on in.

- Is Roy in there?
- Roy's in here, all right. Come on in.

Get your a*s in here! On your knees!

Roy, help.

Shut up!

We're at the scene of a horrific multiple
m*rder. No telling just how many victims ...

God damn it! f*ck!

... office is in the process
of recovering the corpses ...

which are in varying states
of decomposition.

It's certainly being treated as a site of
a mass homicide. If initial figures prove ...

Come on, honey,
Mommy has to get to work.

If I'm late one more time,
Mr. McDonald is going to can my a*s.

I am hurrying.
Hold on, I dropped something.

Will you get in the car?

Come on, let's go get in.

Hey, Mom, a clown.

Yeah, yeah, a clown.

Oh, hi.

Hi. I'm going to have
to be taking your car today.

See, I have some
top-secret clown business ...

that supersedes any plans
that you might have for this here vehicle.

What's that about clown business?

Do I stutter, b*tch?

Jamie, get in the car. Lock the door.

Where the hell you going, damn it?

Don't you never turn your back on
a f*cking clown when he's talking to you!

Get your f*cking hands off of me!

What's the matter, kid?
Don't you like clowns?

Why?

Don't we make you laugh?

Aren't we f*cking funny?

You best come up with an answer,
'cause I'm gonna come back here ...

and check on you and your mama.

If you ain't got a reason
why you hate clowns ...

I'm gonna k*ll your whole f*cking family.

All right, now get your f*cking a*s
out the car! Go on! Yeah, yeah!

sh*t!

Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees ...

look at these.

... those who come to you with open heart.

Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees ...

look at these.

Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees ...

look at these.

Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees ...

look at these.

Hoss, are you staring at my sister,
thinking bad thoughts?

No.

- Why not? You a f*gg*t?
- No.

Well, what are you?
I mean, you got this hot piece of a*s ...

shaking her sh*t right in front of you
and you're not getting any ideas?

What do you call that?

I'm a married man.

A married f*cking man.
Hey, that's just great.

Well, let's give him
a big round of applause, folks ...

for the married man. Come on.

- All right.
- Married man.

Okay, mama, front and center, on your feet.

Don't hurt her.

Get on your feet. Come on, let's go.

- Please, mister, this is insane.
- Boy ...

the next word out of your mouth better be
some brilliant f*cking Mark Twain sh*t ...

'cause it's definitely getting chiseled
on your tombstone.

Okay, come on, mama. Take that sh*t off.

Let's see what's been holding
Hoss' ba*ls at attention all these years.

- What?
- What?

Take off your clothes,
or one of these assholes is going to die.

Come on, come on.

sh*t, way to go, Roy. She ain't too bad!

She got a tight little a*s on her.

Yeah, she's got some child-bearing hips.

Yeah, hey.

- Please don't hurt me.
- Here.

Jeez, Roy, I'm beginning to see
what you mean. Whoa.

Please don't hurt me.

You like this, don't you?

Say, "Yes, I do."

You like that, don't you? Say, "Yes, I do."

Yes, I do.

Oh, yeah. Okay, now.

Give me some sugar.

Make it sweet. You don't want me
to tense up my trigger finger.

Finger's getting a little tense.

Say what I want you to say.

You're my devil.
I want you to make me my filthy wh*re.

Come on, say it. Come on.

I know you're feeling it.

I know you're feeling it. Say it.

You're my devil ...

and I want you to make me
your f*cking wh*re.

Oh, you make me sick!

I feel like we're all
really getting to know each other now.

All right, ladies,
me and the boys have an errand to run.

We'll be back in a little while.
Come on, Hoss, move it, let's go.

Come on, sh*t stain. Gotta go.

Come on, come on, God damn it.

Authorities struggle to comprehend
the grisly remains found in ...

what is now being called the most
heinous crime in American history.

The group responsible for these murders
is now being referred to as ...

The Devil's Rejects by the local media.

A woman known only as Mother Firefly
was taken into police custody today ...

after a violent g*n battle with police that
left four officers dead and seven wounded.

I'm Derek Sanderson,
bringing the world to your doorstep.

Open the gate.

Ma'am ...

my name is Sheriff John Quincey Wydell.

Let's see. Who do we got here?

Miss Gloria Teasdale ...

alias Eve Wilson ...

alias Southern Betty Woods ...

Betsy Woods.

And of course, alias Mother Firefly.

He can read. Congratulations.

Four counts of grand theft auto ...

five counts armed robbery.

What's this?

Looks like your specialty ...

17 counts solicitation and prostitution.

You've been one busy wh*re.

I bet them old farm boys love you.

Everyone loves me.

Don't you pretend ...

you don't fancy me.

Oh, yes, ma'am. I find you quite irresistible.

- Dobson.
- Yes, sir.

- Put them books over there.
- You got it.

Ma'am, do you recognize these books here?

Yeah.

Ain't she an angel?

Well, she gonna be one dead angel
when I catch up to her.

You, your whole clan, you dead already.

You're just ghosts, just waiting to expire.

And the way I figure it ...

the only choice you got is to cooperate
and tell me where they are.

That way your little angel over there ...

don't have to die like no dog in the streets
when I catch her.

- Are you done trying to scare me?
- No, ma'am.

As God is my witness ...

I have only just begun.

Oh.

Sheriff, can I show you something?

I'll need this book here.

I did never get around to putting these
in the book proper.

But I thought ...

you might enjoy them.

You know ...

he was a real sweetie pie.

Tall. Big mustache.

Bald head. You know, I feel kind of bad ...

about blowing his brains out.

'Cause he seemed like such a nice man.

I think he said ...

his name was also Wydell.

Was he kin to you?

Listen to me.
You better listen to me good.

I'm gonna k*ll every member of your family.

I'm gonna hunt them down
like the animals they are ...

and I'm gonna skin them alive.

They are gonna feel the pain
and the suffering of every last victim.

They're gonna crawl
on their hands and knees ...

and they're gonna beg me for mercy.

But all I'm gonna have for them is pain.
Pain and death!

Well, you go get them, Sheriff!

Go get your ghosts!

Them ghosts are gonna
crawl right up in your head!

Sheriff!

You found yourself into something
you ain't never getting out of!

We'll get you! We'll get you!

We'll get you! You're dead, Sheriff!

You're dead!

I'll see you in f*cking hell!

Hey, Hoss, you like this song?

Do you like this song?

I don't know. Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, really?

- Which way?
- Take a right.

So you like that Top 40 sh*t?

And I thought you were like
some kind of true blue-ba*ls ...

Ernest Tubb country f*ck or something.

You're nothing but a city f*gg*t
with a cowboy hat.

Stop here.

Okay, get out.

This way. Go ahead.

Follow the yellow brick road.

That's right.

Go on.

You know, Hoss, if I'm not mistaken ...

I think I can still smell
your wife's p*ssy stink on my g*n.

Hope it doesn't rust the barrel.

Oh, man.

You know, the stress of the day
is really setting in on me.

Would you guys happen to know how a guy
like me could relieve some tension?

Maybe ... I think your wife, Wendy ...

boy, looks like
she could relieve some tension.

- Mister, where are we going?
- Got them little t*tties.

Oh, we're going down the road here.

Little t*tties, she's got a tight little a*s.

Does she like it when you puke?
I mean, is that part of your deal?

Where are you taking us?

Well, I guess it wouldn't do no harm
to tell you now.

See, we're going to go dig up some g*ns
I buried out here a couple of years ago.

Then what?

Well there ain't no what.
That's the end of the road.

What?

You're not going to k*ll us, are you?

Well, k*lling sounds so permanent.

We did everything you want, mister.
Why don't you just let us go?

We did what you said.

Well, you know, first of all,
I didn't say anything.

And second of all, I'm calling the shots!

Consider me f*cking Willy f*cking Wonka!
This is my f*cking chocolate factory!

You got it? My factory!

Get him, Roy!

Grab the g*n, Roy!

Roy!

Please, mister, stop. Please, stop.

Stop? b*tch, I have just started.

You know, I was going to
take it easy on you, boy.

But you brought this down on yourself.

You had to come all f*cking big stick,
walking tall like a big f*cking hero.

Got yourself to blame, hero.
Look at you now, hero.

You're gonna f*cking bleed to death.

f*ck you.

That's what they all say. "f*ck you."

Well, it ain't going to save you.

It don't scare me none and
it don't suddenly make you a f*cking hero!

Want to see what happens to heroes, boy?

You want to see badass, m*therf*cker?
I'll show you badass!

Roy! Roy!

Hoss, I want you to pray to your God.

I want you to pray
that he comes and saves you.

I want lightning to come down
and crash upon my f*cking head!

- Jesus.
- Louder!

Bless the bunnies, bless the little birds ...

- bless the --
- I don't feel anything!

Bless the springtime morning and ...

I feel it! Oh, great God almighty, I repent!
I repent!

Oh, I feel the love
of the God! Oh, God almighty!

Oh, the Holy Spirit is in my body.

I am the devil
and I am here to do the devil's work.

Roy! Roy!

Roy!

You f*cking m*therf*cker! Son of a b*tch!

I've got other plans for you, hero!

Shut the f*ck up!

Can I go to the bathroom, please?
I'm about to piss myself.

Excuse me.

Can she go to the bathroom? Please?

What? I heard you the first time.

I was just thinking,
what are you gonna do for me?

What?

You could go piss yourself for all I care.

If you want special favors,
you gotta give me something in return.

What do you want?

I want you to hit her in the face.

- What?
- I know you heard me.

Go ahead.

Go on.

Make it hurt, no love taps. I want to hear it.

Harder. She ain't gonna break.

You better make this next one
f*cking count!

Good. Very nice. Now you come here.

Right here. Kneel down.

Give me a kiss and say,
"Thank you, Baby, I'm having a great time."

Thanks, Baby, I had a really good time.

Now make it fast, b*tch!

Don't try anything cute!

sh*t.

Now what do you wanna do?

Help!

Damn it, I knew that f*cking c**t
would do something stupid!

Shut up! Open the f*cking door!

Open the g*dd*mn door!

Hold it! Hold it!

Please, somebody help me!

What are you gonna do, sh**t me?

What did I ever really do to you?

I swear I'll do it.

I'll k*ll you.

Why would you wanna k*ll me?

I'm your only hope. My brother's
f*cking crazy, you've seen him.

Please!

Wendy, it's all right! Come on out!

Go ahead, sh**t me.
sh**t me right in the a*s.

Stupid c**t. Ain't no b*ll*ts in this thing.

It's all f*cking mind power.

Help me! Somebody! Please! Please!

Help! Help me!

Help me!

- Whoa, darling.
- She's crazy!

Daddy, grab that b*tch!

Hey, Chief, I think I got something.

- What?
- This Captain Spaulding guy.

Captain Spaulding is a character from
Animal Crackers, the Marx Brothers movie.

Well, I'll be damned.

You think it means anything?

I don't know.

I'll tell you what,
you get that movie critic over here.

- What's his name?
- Marty Walker?

Yeah, that's him. You tell him
to get his a*s over here as soon as he can.

Tell him to bring whatever information
he's got about the Marx brothers ...

particularly characters Groucho played
in his movies.

All right. I'll get right on it.

This sh*t's just getting weirder and weirder.

sh*t, Daddy,
I didn't think you were coming.

No, I'm cool.

Where the f*ck is Otis?

Ain't back from
getting the g*ns and sh*t yet.

You wanna f*ck with me, huh, b*tch?

You ain't got what it takes.

He f*ck this up,
I'm gonna k*ll that m*therf*cker.

Can you believe this b*tch had
the f*cking ba*ls to try and f*ck with me?

Oh, Coggs. Nice of you to make it.

You enjoying your meal?

What? I gotta eat.

If my blood sugar gets off,
I'm not going to be good to anybody.

- You ain't no good to nobody anyhow.
- Listen here.

That movie expert guy's here. You want to
talk to him? You want me to bring him in?

All right, all right, I'm getting right on it.

Mr. Walker, come on in, please.

Sheriff Wydell, it's a pleasure.

I rushed right over
as soon as I got your call.

You came to the right man.

I happen to be a self-proclaimed
Marx brothers expert, if I say so myself.

Well, I'm sure
your knowledge of bullshit is limitless.

Why don't we get to the point?
What do you got for me?

Well, I got a f*cking grocery list for you ...

of all the major Marx brothers characters
and related characters.

And I made a secondary list of any
and all films having to do with Groucho ...

including such gems as
A Girl in Every Port and Skidoo ...

where Groucho played the part of God!

Directed by Otto Preminger,
who happened to be Jewish!

Although he played a n*zi commandant
in Stalag 17, directed by Billy Wilder ...

Otto Preminger also directed Exodus.

And it's rumored that at the premiere
Mort Sahl stood up ...

yelled at the screen,
"Otto, let my people go!"

Give me that damn list.

It's ironic, don't you think?
n*zi in the State of Israel.

They're all here. All the aliases.

Rufus Firefly, Otis Driftwood ...

- Captain Spaulding, all of them.
- Hey, Chief.

You know, I'm thinking we ought to
track down this Groucho Marx guy ...

ask him a few questions.
Maybe he's involved.

Idiot, he died last year.

- He died, didn't he?
- Oh, God damn it.

God damn it. See, that right there is one
sad pathetic state of cinematic affairs.

If you weren't a cop, I'd wring your neck.

Hey, hey. Let's take that down a notch.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

That sneering, rotating, gyrating pelvis
son of a b*tch ...

he died three days before Groucho,
stole all the g*dd*mn headlines.

That g*dd*mn f*cking Elvis Presley!

What did you say about the King?

- I said he died three days before Groucho --
- c**t!

You ever say another derogatory word
about Elvis Aron Presley ...

in my presence again,
I will kick the living sh*t out of you!

Now you get this
Hollywood-loving p*ssy out of my face!

- Elvis was in Hollywood!
- Get the hell out of here!

- His first film, Love me Tender ...
- Get out!

... was based on the Irish folk song.

f*ck Groucho!

Would you f*cking knock?

Where the f*ck you been?

Did you get everything?

Yeah, I got everything.

You m*therf*cker,
where the f*ck have you been?

Hey!

You got a problem with my time frame, Son,
you best spit it out right now!

Yeah, I got a problem.
I got a big f*cking problem, Bozo!

Well, make your move, Heidi! Two hits.

I hit you and your d*ck hits the f*cking dirt.

Old man, you ain't hitting nothing!

Come on, cut the sh*t,
we gotta get the f*ck out of here!

What are we gonna do with this one?

Leave her for a maid to clean up.

I got a better idea.

We regret to inform you
that your Banjo and Sullivan show ...

will be canceled for tonight.

No, please! No, please don't, please!

Housekeeping.

Help me! Help me!

Help me!

Help! Help! Help!

Help me!

Jesus Christ, what a f*cking mess.

A 40-ton truck has a tendency
of doing that, Kenny.

Listen, you mind
getting one of your donut brigade ...

to go on over there,
scoop up some of that skull matter ...

put it in a bag for the meds?

Yeah, you got it.

Is that the lady who found her?

Yeah, the maid. Miss Maria Gomez.

- She say anything?
- Yeah, a lot of things.

But I don't speak-a no Spanish.

It's all mumbo-jumbo to me.

sh*t, what am l,
mayor of Tijuana or something?

Got one guy.

Clarkson, he speaks Spanish.

But he called in sick.

With what he calls expl*sive diarrhea.

Would you mind sparing me
any further details ...

about your deputy's as*h*le, Kenny?

Señorita Gomez?

No.

What did I tell you? She's useless.

Hey, Chief.

Got a couple of sh*t-kickers over there,
says they're here to meet you.

- Recognize those guys?
- Yeah, I know them.

What's going on, shitheads?

Sheriff.

Here's a list of names
I need you to run down for me.

That's a funny-a*s name.

Yeah? Look who's f*cking talking, Rondo.

Just call me if anything connects.

I'm sure it will.

sh*t always floats our way, don't it, Chief?

Well, you keep your mouth open wide
enough, maybe you'll catch it all.

Don't f*ck this up, assholes.

Have fun scraping all them brains up
off the road.

See you later, Kenny.

This is bullshit.

You know, I trust that f*ck Charlie
about as much as I trust you.

Where the hell do you get off
talking sh*t about Charlie?

Hey, I know what I know,
and I know I don't like that nut sack.

Well, unless you got a better suggestion ...

I suggest
you keep your f*cking pie-hole shut.

That is the only remotely safe place
I know about.

Hey, man, if anyone's interested ...

I think I might be wanting some ice cream
in about 10 miles.

"Hey, man, I think I'm gonna be wanting
some ice cream in about 10 miles."

Don't you f*cking imitate me.
It's f*cking rude!

"I know what I know,
and I know I don't like that nut sack!"

- f*ck you!
- f*ck you!

Two f*cking seconds for the kid,
is that going to k*ll you?

Yes, it is going to k*ll me.

I have calculated the time,
and two seconds ...

is the exact amount of time
that's a hazard to my f*cking health!

Come on. Don't be such a f*cking drag.
I'm starving.

Eat this!

What is your f*cking problem?
I'm in and out in two seconds.

You know, I think I'm gonna get me
some tutti-f*cking-frutti.

Tutti-f*cking-frutti. That sounds good.

- Tutti-f*cking-frutti!
- Shut up!

Tutti-f*cking-frutti!

- Shut up!
- Tutti-f*cking-frutti!

Tutti-f*cking-frutti!

Listen, there is no f*cking ice cream
in your f*cking future!

Delicious.

I don't know why you have to be
such a grouch. This is really good.

Here, have some.

f*ck you.

Tutti-f*cking-frutti.

Hey, piggy.

Yeah, over here, come on. Come and get it.

Yes, Mr. Wy-f*cking-dell.

Piggy, come over here and get some.

Don't f*cking move, clown.

You looking for somebody?

George?

What the hell you doing down here,
George?

- I live here now.
- No.

You got that all wrong, George.
I mean, this ain't your home.

I got no choice, Johnny.

This here is my fate.

I cannot rest until this whole thing is over.

And I'm asking you, brother.

k*ll them, John. End this sh*t now.

I'm walking the line on this, brother.
I'm walking the line.

Well, Mother, pin a rose on me.
That is so great.

I want these m*therf*ckers dead.

- k*ll them!
- I'm sorry, George.

- Yeah.
- Hey.

I think I found your guy. Yeah.

A friend of mine, about 10 years ago ...

he used to buy hooch from this guy
out way here.

Went by the name of Wolf J. Flywheel.

Yeah.
But his partner called himself The Captain.

Sounds like the f*ck we're looking for.

Yeah, Wolf J. Flywheel.
That name's on the list.

Apparently now Wolf J.
goes by the name of ...

Charlie Altamont.

All right, good. You know what to do.

We wouldn't be talking if I didn't.

So, is the sh*t on?

The sh*t is on.

f*cking A.

Open the door, Deputy.

Take the night off, Freddy.
I'll watch the prisoner.

Well, well, well.

Working late tonight, aren't we, Sheriff?

What's the matter?

Can't sleep?
Peril running loose in the streets?

Or did you just miss Mama?

As a matter of fact,
I was feeling kind of lonely.

I knew you couldn't stay away.

I got that power over men.

Women like me are a rare breed.

- Don't you agree?
- Oh, yes, ma'am, I do.

I ain't been broken, you know.

Men like that.

You got me going this afternoon.

You think you can break me?

You like it rough?

Oh, honey ...

you can have it any way you want.

I don't want it rough.

I like it hot ...

and slow.

Hot ...

and slow.

Hot ...

and slow.

Real hot.

- You like that, Mama?
- Oh, yeah.

You like that, Mama?

Check this place out.

I know that ain't Cutter ...

walking towards me with that stupid grin!

'Cause I know I swore
if I ever saw that dumb c**t ...

no-good, piece-of-sh*t,
m*therf*cking brother of mine ...

he'd soon be a dead piece-of-sh*t ...

no-good, m*therf*cking brother of mine.

Okay, everybody in the peanut gallery,
Simon says hands up.

He said, put your f*cking hands up!

What the f*ck is this sh*t?

You bring us all the way out here
and this prick pulls a g*n on us?

Nice f*cking plan, Daisy!

Just do it, you crazy, pig-f*cking --

What did you call me?

Well, if you gave me a chance,
I was going to call you ...

a crazy, pig-f*cking,
dumb-a*s, p*ssy piece of sh*t!

Oh, brother, you's a dead man.

Ain't that the most g*dd*mn
realest water g*n you ever did see?

Oh, sh*t, that was great, man.

Sorry about that. It's just a little game
we used to always play on folks.

- And it still works!
- Hell yeah!

That's a f*cking hoot.

Charlie, this is my daughter, Baby.

- My niece?
- Yes!

Oh, you all grown up!
Give me some love, Baby!

And you remember happy boy here.

Are you still an as*h*le?

Hey, this is Casey, my most limber lady.

And this is Candy, my special lady ...

and my top-earning gal.

What you looking at?

- I'm looking at you, mama.
- Yeah, you see something you like?

Maybe. I set my standards pretty low,
so I'm never disappointed.

Oh, well, I don't disappoint.

Well, f*ck, let's go inside!

No sense standing around like
stone-foot roosters in a f*ck farm!

- Let's celebrate.
- Oh, yes.

You know, I gotta tell you ...

that's some catch phrase you got there.

Devil's Rejects.

What,
you got something to say to me, clown?

I bet you scare lots of folks, don't you?

Yeah, you a regular f*cking k*ller.

You want a piece of this, m*therf*cker?
You want a piece of this?

What you got? What you got?

Lord, I am your arm of justice.

Lord ...

I am your arm of justice.

Your righteous sword of vengeance.

Let my blows be true.

Lord have mercy, what a morning!

- Clevon?
- Yeah, boss?

You know why I come here
to get these chickens?

No, boss.

'Cause my brother makes
the best fried chicken in the world.

Is that right?

Yeah. Good morning, good morning, sir.
How are you?

How y'all doing? Good morning.

Good, good, good. What you got for me?

Well, we got these ...

- real cute Barred Rock chickens here.
- Yeah, I see them.

Got them nice long-legged
Rhode Island Red chickens.

- Rhode Island Red? Oh, I like them!
- Them's are nice.

I want a Rhode Island Red for me,
all right, two of them!

- Rhode Island Red, two?
- Yeah, yeah.

Now, y'all ain't planning on
f*cking these chickens, are you?

What the f*ck are you getting at?

Do you f*ck chickens?

Well, I have thought about
f*cking some chickens before.

If you wanna have a good time
and you need some p*ssy ...

you can cut that chicken's head off ...

stick your d*ck in that a*s of that chicken ...

and that damn chicken will go crazy
on your a*s and go ...

Are you saying
that I would cut off a chicken's head ...

put my d*ck in it ...

f*ck it, and go ...

You accusing me of f*cking a chicken,
m*therf*cker?

No, I ain't calling you a chicken-f*ck ...

but that boy over there
looks sexually frustrated and ...

I don't approve of chicken-f*cking.

You hear what he call me, boss?
I ain't no chicken-f*ck.

My mistake, my mistake.

Grab the f*cking chickens, Clevon!

Chickens ...

Here. $5.

Appreciate it, thank y'all.

He's the chicken-f*ck!

It's all right, put it back there.

Next time we'll go someplace else.

We ain't never buying chickens
from him again, boss!

Yeah, I know.

You inbred! Inbred!

Wolf J. Flywheel?

Get your m*therf*cking pimp a*s
over here now.

Who you talking about, man?
Who you talking to? Who?

What's going on, Sheriff?

What'd we do?

What's going on, baby?

You and me,
we're gonna have a little powwow ...

about a certain Captain Spaulding
and his merry band of assholes.

Captain who?

You know exactly what I'm talking about,
am I correct?

Hey, Sheriff, not in the middle of the street.

Ain't no sense in getting crazy out here.

See, I don't like y'all m*therf*ckers
playing dumb with me.

Now, let me tell you
the way it's gonna go down.

You're gonna make sure
all three of them dirtbags are present ...

and accounted for, tonight at midnight.
You got me, Charlie-boy?

You understand me?

Charlie, you got me?

What if I say no?

Then I'm gonna sh**t your a*s
right f*cking here and now.

You and that other ugly m*therf*cker.

Now, I'm going to forget
this conversation ever happened.

Tonight. Midnight.

It's a bad day to f*ck with me, Charlie-boy.

Hey, we got you this far.

sh*t.

Without us ...

you'd still be swimming around
with your head up your a*s.

Hey, Chief, don't sweat it. Have a beer.

It's all gonna work out to your satisfaction.

If I were you, I'd put the beer down ...

and keep your mind on business ...

before business jumps up
and bites you right in the a*s.

Don't worry about me, boss.

They're gonna think g*dd*mn King Kong
came down from Skull Island ...

and r*ped them a new f*cking as*h*le!

Hey, man, don't give me
none of that c*ck-a*s, yardbird ...

pumping iron, "I'm the baddest
m*therf*cker that ever lived" horseshit.

That might work
on some Johnny-redneck bail jumper ...

but that don't mean sh*t to me.

Then I suggest you pick up the Batphone
and call some new m*therf*ckers in.

You're a dime a dozen, man, f*ck you.

f*ck me? f*ck you, m*therf*cker!

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
We gotta cool our sh*t here!

Look, you hired the Unholy Two ...

'cause you wanted
the best money could buy.

Now you got nothing to worry about.
We're gonna get the job done.

We might talk a lot of sh*t,
but we will get the job done.

Now here's the deal.

I don't give a good g*dd*mn
what condition they're in.

I just want them alive long enough
so I can piss in their face before they die.

You are one sick f*cking pirate.

Hey, Billy Ray. Your mama's on the phone.

She owes me $14. Get down here. Come on.

You better keep a rope on that as*h*le.

Yeah, I know. Now look, Chief,
let me explain something to you.

You've been using a bazooka
to exterminate three little roaches.

Now, when you hunt roaches,
you don't blow up your house.

You send in an exterminator, so he can ...

He crawls like a roach.

He thinks like a roach.
He has a little roach mind.

You be careful,
or maybe you'll get stepped on like a roach.

I'm gonna tell you something, brother.
You have got it made.

Please, man,
don't be fooled by the glamour.

I got trouble. Don't get me started.

What kind of trouble you got, man?
You got hot and cold running p*ssy on tap.

Man ...

dealing with these greedy b*tches
ain't all it's cracked up to be.

- Brother.
- Brother.

Go ahead. Take another. Take another.

Now take a hit on this.

Oh, man, I gotta piss.

- Take one for me too, man.
- Yeah.

Hey, listen,
you got a nose like a vacuum cleaner.

Don't do up all my cocaine.

Oh, brother, would I do that to you?

No. You're my brother, and I love you.

All right. All right.

But I love my cocaine better. f*ck you.

Oh, man, that's some cold sh*t right there.

Well, any port in a f*cking storm.

Charlie, my brother.

My brother.

I've been looking for you, clown.

You gonna start the k*lling,
you best start it right here.

Make sure I'm all the way dead.

'Cause I will come back
and make you my b*tch.

b*tch that, m*therf*cker.

Get up, b*tch!

Stop it!

Stop it, m*therf*cker!

Now get them scumbags in that truck.

It wasn't personal, brother.
Business is business, baby!

You as*h*le!

She's right, Charlie. You are an as*h*le.

Why don't you
get on your f*cking horse and ride?

All right,
let's get this freak show on the road!

What the f*ck you doing? Get the f*ck up!

You know, I got to thank you all ...

for helping me understand
what my heritage is.

You see, the Wydells,
they've always been vigilante justice.

You know, my granddaddy,
he rode with the likes of Tom Horn ...

k*lling scum like you for a living.

We've always been devil-slayers.

Wake up!

See, I tried to walk the line.

But now I realize there is no line.

But we here ...

we are playing on a level
that most will never see.

I know my brother, George, he didn't see it.

Maybe he had a divine moment
when his brains hit the floor.

Yeah, well, maybe you will, too.

I got over here some photographs ...

of every missing person
within 100 miles of this sh*t h*le.

Valerie Green.

Take a look at that, man,
she was beautiful, huh?

Hell, anybody'd f*ck her.

This is what she looked like ...

when we pulled her
out of your little f*cking t*rture shack.

She ain't so f*ck anymore, huh?

Oh, yes, she is.

I cut her tongue out
and tied her to my bed for a month.

Busted that b*tch wide open.

Well, then you get to have this
as a souvenir.

What about Mary Knowles?

- Anybody?
- That f*cking b*tch is mine!

No, no, she was mine. I did her.
Come on. Bring it on to me!

No, she's all mine.

Baby, shut the f*ck up!

Baby, you want her?

You got her.

f*ck, f*ck!

Come and get it, m*therf*cker!

m*therf*cker!

See this picture?

That's my brother, George.

Old George, he was a good man.

Very trusting.

I'm sure that's what got him k*lled.

Anyway, y'all take a good look at that.

Because that's the reason
you gonna die tonight.

Yeah, I remember him.

Stupid f*ck, just like you.

Come at me like
some kind of matinee f*cking cowboy idol.

All I had to do was point him in a direction,
and there he goes.

Officer Wy-f*cking-dell to the rescue.

Daddy!

And I hate f*cking clowns.

- You couldn't stop us by yourself!
- Harder!

I slayed me a devil just the other day.

What do you think?

See any you like?

You liar.

Those photos ain't real.
There's no way you k*lled Mama.

No, Baby, they're real.

You take a look at her right there.

You take a look at her eyes,
the way they are right there.

She's dead.

You know what I did?

I took my knife
and I stuck it in her real good.

Kind of twisted it a little bit.

Kind of, like, f*cked her with it, you know?

I'll tell you, that old wh*re came
before I f*cking took her miserable life.

You m*therf*cker,
I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you!

You're gonna k*ll me?

- You're gonna f*ck' k*ll me?
- Get off me, f*ck.

Take a good look at that, b*tch.
Take a good f*cking look.

You were her little angel.

Her little angel.

That's why I got something special
in mind for you.

Yeah? Well, I can't f*cking wait.

You want it? Here it is.
Come and get it. Come on!

From delusion, lead me to truth.

From darkness, lead me to light.

From death, lead me to eternal life.

Hallelujah! Are you feeling it, brother?

It's time to end this little charade.

Look.

You're free.

Run.

I said f*cking run!

Burn well, m*therf*ckers.

Come and get it!

I can hear you, Baby girl.

I can hear you!

I've got something here for you.

What's that I smell?

It smells like rabbit!

It's me, Charlie. Calm down.

You did it! You f*cking ruined everything.

Calm down, Baby, this is not the time!

I gotta get you out of here.

- Daddy and Otis are still in the house --
- I'll get them.

But first we gotta get you someplace safe.
Come on.

Cutter! Cutter, wake up!

Cutter! Wake up! Cutter!

Wake the f*ck up! Wake the f*ck up!

- Wait in the car, and I'll go get them.
- I wanna go.

Don't ... Just get in! Come on.

Stay put.

Charlie!

Run, Baby girl, run!

Run!

Run! Run!

Run, run, run!

Lord, I bet that hurts.

Man, I could hear that bone shatter
from right here.

What the hell we got here?

Look here, I got something for you.

Oh yeah, I got something for you.

Hey, get up!

Come on, come on. I said, get up!

You know, I don't know about you.

But I sure wish I had a bullwhip
for this occasion.

But I found this. I reckon it'll do.

No!

You like that?
You like the feeling of being helpless?

At the mercy of somebody sadistic
who aims your death?

Not such a f*cking party, is it?

Did I make you feel trapped?

f*ck you!

f*ck me? Oh, no.

f*ck you! f*ck you!

Tiny.

Daddy and Otis are still in the house.
Go get them.

The nails! Get the nails!

Tiny, Tiny, come on, man!

Daddy!

Baby! Baby!

Daddy, are you all right?

Yes, yes.

You sure about this?

We'll come back for you.