Don't f*ck in the Woods (2016)

[bunniefuu]

[fire crackling]

-[gasps]
-[laughs]

-Hey-- Oh...
-f*cking as*h*le.

What, you don't remember
spring break?

[sighs]

Stop.

Quit it, you jerk.

[laughs]

Wow.

What?

Look.

That's pretty awesome.

It's beautiful.

Yeah.

Not as beautiful
as you, though.

Really? Is that
the best you've got?

Well, if I see an opportunity
I'm gonna take it.

Look here, sir.

You better be glad
you're pretty,

That's all I've got to say
about that.

[laughs]

[giggles]

[moans]

Where are you going?

You'll see.

[laughs]

Oh, my God,
I love camping.

[sniffing]

[growls]

[moans]

-[suction noise]
-[grunts]

Yup.

Oh, sh*t.

g*dd*mn it.

[laughs]

[Meg]
Ooh!

[moans]

[moans]

[sniffing]

My turn.

Ooh!

[moans]

[both breathing heavily]

[grunts]

Get on all fours.

[grunts]

One or two?

-Two.
-[laughs]

-[grunts]
-[moaning]

Oh, here it comes.

No, wait, wait,
I'm about to c*m too.

[moaning]

Oh, no, this is...

Oh, here it comes.

-Here it comes.
-[moaning loudly]

[flesh tearing]

Baby, what the f*ck?

You know I don't like
that kind of...

[gasps]

[screams]

[screaming]

[grunts]

[groans]

-[creature roars]
-[screams]

[whimpering]

["Mass Perversion"
by Eyes on Orion plays]

[both moaning]

[knocking]

Hello.

Well, hello there.

I'm here to plunge
your holes.

Well, we don't have
any money.

We can't afford
to pay you.

It's okay, you can
pay me in sex, yes?

Oh, okay.

Yes!

We're girls who love
to have sex.

I love to have sex!

Let's have sex!

Watch my meatballs.

[women giggling]

[Ross]
Yes, she did, girl.

You know she did.

And you know what?
He's g*y!

He is so g*y!

I cannot
believe this.

I am just going
to f*ck this b*tch up.

-Oh!
-Hey!

-What?
-Shut it down,
you bitchy queen.

You want to come over
and do something about it?

Come on,
you little b*tch.

Oh, I ain't even
f*cking with you.

I am not even f*cking with you.
You get back here, little p*nsy.

-No h*m*.
-Uh-huh.

Ugh, God.

Daisy, I am so over this
little h*m* hellhole.

[phone rings]

Hello?

[Sam]
Hey, sis, got a minute?

Hold on.

[water trickling]

What do you want, Sammy?

Can't a brother just call
his sister to chat?

A, stepbrother.

B, I haven't even had
my coffee yet.

And C, the only reason why you
ever call is to borrow money.

Look I just need bucks
for a week or two, tops.

[sighs]

I swear to you, I'll pay you
back with interest.

sh*t. I gotta go.

I'll see what I can do.

[lighter scratches]

Good morning.

Good morning.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

Okay.

[lips smack]

Coffee.

Are you ready
for this weekend?

Yeah.

Let's try this again.

-I'm sorry.
-Mm-hmm.

I was just really hoping
that job

would call me back
this week.

Yeah.

I've been so stressed,

with graduation,
finals, job-hunting.

Well, drink this,

pack your tiny bikini,

and let's leave
all our worries right here.

Trust me.

Come Monday, everything will be
completely different.

All right.

[sighs]

Remind me again.

Why are we going camping
with that jock,

that cheerleader,
and that f*cking stoner?

Because it makes us
look normal.

And everyone else
has left campus.

Well, I'm gonna go
get ready.

All right.

Oh, and don't forget
your wh*re of a sister

and her man-child
plaything.

["Edge of Sanity"
by Concrete Grip plays]

-Hey.
-Hi.

Anything I can
help you find?

-No. No.
-No?

Maybe you need something to put
back on the f*cking shelf?

No.

I would have gave you
this sh*t-fest.

Get the f*ck
out of here.

Whatever, stoner.

[Parker]
So, basically you're telling me

that your looking
for the stereotypical

big-tittied girl
who runs from the k*ller

and screams
before she dies?

Yeah, but are them
t*tties nice?

I mean, it's not the only
requirement but, you know,

it's not the worst.

And that right there is why
you're part of the problem.

-How?
-Because you're focusing

on the f*cking
eye candy

and missing out on legitimate
scream queens.

Cover your eyes.
Here she goes.

There are basic requirements

as to who gets called
a scream queen.

Just because the pretty girl
f*cking screams

before she gets cut
does not give her the privilege

to be called
a scream queen.

Excuse me,
do you have Bludgeon?

Uh, hang on.

Being a scream queen
used to be about more

than a set of lungs
and nice t*ts.

It use to be about acting talent
and the ability to show

the right amount of fear
while screaming.

Nowadays, you have
some b*tches

who don't even scream
in some f*cking films,

but because they're hot they get
to be called a scream queen.

It is not fair to actresses like
Dee Wallace, Barbara Crampton,

Barbara Steele, who f*cking
screamed their asses off

trying to fit
your damn mold.

Yes?

You know,
all of those actresses

have shown some form
of nudity.

[Mac and Mark laugh]

[Mac]
Yes, yes, we have Bludgeon.

Back wall,
independent section.

[Mark]
Oh, my God, the walk-ins
tell it as it is.

Nudity isn't the issue.

f*ck it, either way,
if the b*tch don't scream,

she ain't a scream queen.

Hey, guys, what's up?

[Parker]
Back me up, girls.

Should a scream queen be defined
as t*ts or talent?

-Both.
-Both.

[Parker]
f*ck it.

What the f*ck are you
looking at, d*uche bag?

Boobs-boo--

Ahem, boots.

-[laughs]
-All right.

[Mark]
Hey, your guys' ride is here.

Yes, it is.

-[Alex] See you.
-[Jane] Bye.

[Mac]
f*ck, yeah.

Mark, put that sh*t away.

[Parker laughs]

[Mac]
Yeah!

We about
to f*cking rage!

[Alex laughs]

-Ladies.
-Thank you.

Conor, where the f*ck
am I going?

In the back.

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck?

[Conor]
Will you get in and shut
the door, Lunch Box?

[Mac]
c*ck!

"Your Heaven's Broken"
by Moretta plays]

Hey, Meg, pick up
the damn phone already.

We're already on our way
to the woods.

We don't know where to meet you.

Give me a call back.
Bye.

So we have no clue
where we're going

because Meg and Luke
are probably wasted.

I tried calling her
last night,

but they were, uh,
probably busy.

Didn't she take a beer bottle
to the a*s?

Where did you hear that?

Last spring break, I heard she
took a beer bottle to the a*s.

I'm just saying,
that's some g*dd*mn talent.

I want to know which end
went in first.

I heard she took it like a pro,
base first.

[Lacey]
That sounds painful.

Yeah, yeah.

Anything's a dildo
if you're brave enough.

Are you into fisting?

Ew, get away.

[Conor]
Well, this looks like
as good a place as any.

[Mac]
Let out the Macki-poo!

[Lacey]
No, leave him in there.

[Jane]
Yeah, leave him there.

Should we do it?

-No, let him out.
-No, let him sit.

Now I know how
Jane's knees feel.

f*ck!

-[Jane] Ha, ha, ha.
-[Conor laughs]

Conor, what are you,
the g*dd*mn Green Arrow?

[panting]

That way.

Sitting in the back
of the f*cking trunk.

-[Alex] Really?
-[Mac] You got it!

[Alex]
Okay, that's cool.

All right, Conor,
it looks like it's up to you.

Oh, my God,
where's the man?

[Lacey]
Man job.

[Parker]
I can see I'm not needed here.

["We Own the Night"
by A Lover's w*r plays]

Does anybody wanna go
check out the woods

and possibly look
for Meg and Luke?

-[Parker] Sure.
-[Mac] No.

Whatever gets me away
from that mouth breather.

Well, come on.
We'll be back later.

Wait, what if we run
into a bear?

You're not going to run
into a bear out here.

The only thing you have
to worry about in these woods

is the dykenthrope
in the combat boots.

-[laughs]
-Just remember,

my ba*ls are bigger
than yours.

[Conor]
She can definitely
beat your a*s.

[Mac]
Oh, what a beating it would be.

[Parker]
I would pay to see that.

[Lacey]
You know, Mac,

you might as well
go along with them.

If they do run
into a bear,

a slow-moving target would
really help them get away.

[Mac]
Nope.

Or you could stay here
and help me chop wood.

Hold up, b*tches!

[water babbling]

Meg!

[Mac]
O.M.G.

Luke!

-Will you shut the f*ck up.
-Where are you guys?

Meg!

"Meg, Luke,
where are you guys?"

[Alex]
Meg! Luke!

Where are you guys?

Are you okay?

[Alex]
Meg is seriously starting
to piss me off.

I could handle both.

I've got two dicks.

Let's just relax
and get f*cked up.

All right,
that sounds good.

You want a hit?

What the hell, sure.

[coughs]

You okay?

[laughs]

I think this sh*t's
gone bad.

This sh*t ain't
gone bad.

Trust me.

See?

What about you,
Betty Badass?

You want a hit
of this sh*t?

[Jane clears throat]

Careful.

Always am.

I've had better.

Okay.
I'll give you better.

[crickets chirping]

Seriously, I sh*t you not,

Luke said she closed her eyes,
says to herself,

"It's just chocolate."

[all laugh]

Remind me to never drink
after Meg.

Wait, I got one
for you guys.

So, do you remember when Mac
set his f*cking pants on fire?

[all laugh]

What the f*ck?

Yeah, he grabbed
the gas can

and some spilled
all over his pants.

[laughs]

You should've seen him
running around

with his pants
around his ankles,

trying to get them off.

[laughing]

Oh, man.

I think I'm ready
to crash.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I just started
a little too early.

Good night, everybody.

[all]
Good night.

Are you ready
to crash?

Yeah. I want to wake up early
tomorrow anyways

and try to track down Meg.

[Parker]
But I don't wanna go to sleep.

You don't have
to go to sleep.

[Parker]
Well, you can't just
leave me here with...

this.

He's got a b*ner for you.

[Jane]
Have fun.

Nope.

[snoring]

[growling]

Did you get everything?

Yup, all locked up tight
in the truck.

What about the food?

yards from the campsite,
just like the book said.

Are you tired?

Yeah, I'm beat.

-Sure about that?
-Ooh, Daddy likey.

[creature growling]

[sniffing]

[panting]

It's getting
really hot in here.

[Jason]
Open the door.

[Jason grunts]

[laughs and pants]

[sniffing]

[growls]

[grunting]

[laughs]

[panting]

[growling]

-[creature roars]
-[Ash yelps]

Whoa!

What the f*ck?

[screams]

[grunts]

[low growling]

[sigh]

[chuckles]

You f*cking perv. What the f*ck
do you think your doing?

I'm, uh...

I was trying to watch you
eat her puss.

[laughs]

Do that again.

f*ck off.

[zipper rasps]

Rise and shine, creeper.

What the f*ck?

That's what you get for being
a creepy, peeping m*therf*cker.

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck
did you do
to my chair?

Broke it with
my magnum dong.

Sure.

Parker...

I'm using your Gary Coleman tent
to change now.

[Lacey]
Come on, Mac, get your sh*t
together so we can go.

Alex, I heard some
rustling last night.

Did you guys go looking
for Meg and Luke?

No. We crashed right after
you guys did.

That rustling you guys
heard last night

was Mac joining
the black-eyed pervs club.

[both laugh]

It looks like
his initiation went well.

[beer bottles clink]

How much did you drink
last night, you alcoholic?

[Conor]
You guys ready now?

Yeah, hang on.

I got something
for Jane.

You f*cking
c**t-a-saurus.

It happens.

Want to help me
with this cooler?

[Mac]
Sure.

[Conor]
This way, f*ck.

Sure.

["Haven't Thought of You
in So Long" by Doug Hoyer plays]

♪ I haven't thought of you
In so long ♪

♪ I hope you're well,
I hope you're okay ♪

♪ Haven't thought of you
In so long ♪

♪ And I'd like
To keep it that way ♪

♪ I haven't seen you
Around here lately... ♪

[indistinct chatter]

Silly goose.

[Mac]
Holy c*ck.

It's hotter than
a fifth-grader.

Break time.

It's high time, Conor.

Ugh.

Do you think
they're okay?

Who?

Meg and Luke.

I though we were here
to relax and have some fun.

You need to stop worrying
about other people

and focus on you.

Or better yet, us.

Last time I checked,
they were grown-a*s adults

with their own lives
and own issues.

I have a brilliant idea.

Hmm?

Lacey goes topless.

There's more of that
in my dreams.

You wish.

[water splashes]

Ah! It's cold.

I know you have
a big heart

and you worry
about everything.

But sometimes people
just need to get away.

Go off the grid
for a bit.

Look, we're about to be tossed
into the frying pan.

No financial aid, no help
from Mommy and Daddy.

It's sink-or-swim time.

I mean, that's why
we're all up here.

To get away
from everything.

Try to reboot.

So, have a drink

and let all your problems
just fade into the background.

You're right.
And that's why I love you.

Now, go get me a beer.

You know, this doesn't
make me the b*tch.

[laughs]

Am I the only one
gonna get in?

[Conor]
Yeah.

[shuts engine off]

[rustling]

[Man]
What the hell are you kids
doing back here?

[Lacey]
Oh, um, you know,

we're just camping
for the weekend.

Trying to have
a good time.

We're just trying to unwind
from school.

Well, it looks like you found
a nice spot to take a dip.

Yeah, this place
is really nice.

Excuse me, sir,
you haven't seen our friends?

They came up
about a day ago,

and we haven't been able
to find them or their campsite.

[Man]
Negative.

These woods are pretty big.

There's lots of places

to slip in and out of.

You know, tight places
for privacy,

if you know what I mean.

But, um...

I'll let you kids get back
to having your fun,

and I things to do
and creatures to protect.

[Lacey]
Wow, that guy
was a little, uh...

-A little f*cking weird.
-weird, don't you think?

[Conor]
He was just staring
at your t*ts.

Well, you know what?
He was actually kind of cute.

And he probably
has a really big d*ck.

[girls giggling]

Damn, dawg.

A couple angles.

Save that for later.

Get the live action now.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, f*ck, yeah.
This is hot as sh*t.

[creature growls]

Oh, f*ck yeah.

Oh, God.

[creature roars]

-[laughter]
-[Mac] Lacey...

[Lacey]
What?

-Bill Murray...
-[Lacey] Oh, God.

-Chris Farley...
-[Lacey laughs]

...Adam Sandler.

Go.

Let's see.

I'd marry Chris.

Definitely f*ck Bill.

And...

Adam's a f*cking goner.

-[laughter]
-Not Adam.

Okay, Parker,
this one's for you.

Hit me.

[giggles]

-[coughs]
-Okay, okay.

Ben Affleck.

Bat-Fleck.

-[women laugh]
-Shut up.

George Carlin, and...

[whispers]

...Vincent Price.

[laughs]

Old sack of bones.

[laughs]

Okay then.

Kevin Smith, baby.
All the way!

Oh.

All right...

-All right.
-Oh, lesbians!

[Alex]
Parker just lost the game.

Let's get you to bed.

[Mac]
What? What are you staring at?

[Jane]
I know you want to be
in Parker's pants.

[Parker]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, see, I like d*ck,
though.

[Jane]
Well, you don't want his.

[Parker]
No. God, no.

[laughs and snorts]

So, okay, lesbians.

-Yes.
-This is
a very serious question.

Yes.

What does vag*na
taste like?

I think it's about
that time to...

Threesome?

[Lacey]
No!

You're gross.
Get out of here.

You're not going to fall asleep
on me, are you?

[Conor]
You know damn well

I have no intentions
of falling asleep.

[Lacey yelps and laughs]

♪ All by myself ♪

[indistinct chatter]

Ladies.

Fancy meeting you here.

What? What's wrong?

I'm sorry, I just can't stop
thinking about Meg and Luke.

I mean, we've been
out here for days

and we haven't seen
or heard from them at all.

I mean, what if something
happened?

what if they're hurt?

There's rangers everywhere
in this park.

I'm sure if something
were to go wrong,

the rangers
would find them.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I guess.

Look, it's been a while
since we've gotten this far.

Do you remember
the first time?

[laughs]
Yeah.

We didn't leave
the apartment for, what,

three whole days?

Exactly.

Let's do the same.

Let's just stay in this tent
for the next three days.

f*ck everybody else.

[laughs]

Ladies.

Do you want
to play a game?

I think I packed
a deck of cards, actually.

No, we don't need
no g*dd*mn cards
for this f*cking game.

What's the name
of the game, dipshit?

Truth or dare.

-Oh, Jesus. This f*ck.
-Yeah.

All right, Mac.
Truth or dare?

Dare.

I dare you to chug the rest
of that p*ssy-a*s drink.

All right.

Trying to get me
all loosey-deucey.

-I respect that.
-Mm-hmm.

[gulping]

-Alex.
-Yes?

Truth or dare?

-[burps]
-Um...

Truth.

Really?

You're going to be
a lame sh*t?

All right,
all right.

Have you ever...

I don't know...

been eaten out
in public?

-Really?
-Really, really.

You're just gonna dive
right in there?

I mean, if
it's an invitation,

I'll dive
right in there.

No. No, I haven't.

Change that...

All right, Mac.

If that's how
you wanna play it,

truth or dare?

-Truth.
-[both laugh]

-You p*ssy-a*s b*tch.
-[laughs] Really?

-Eight inches...
-[both laugh]

...around.

In your dreams,
little man.

All right, Jane.

Truth...

or m*therf*cking dare?

Dare.

Mm-hmm.

I dare you to get
to third base,

right here, right now,

at this campfire with Alex.

Go.

-Mm-hmm.
-Go.

Go, go, go.

Go-di-go, go.

Mm.

Yeah.

There you go.

Daddy likey.

What do you ladies say
we move this to the tent?

I think that sounds like
a fantastic idea.

I think it sounds like
a grade-A g*dd*mn idea.

Mm-hm.

Wow.

Right?

In your dreams,
f*ck.

But, hey, thanks for
getting things going.

No.

[Jane]
Sweet dreams.

What the f*ck am I supposed
to do with this?

-g*dd*mn it.
-[laughs]

[panting softly]

[Lacey gasps]

[panting]

[exasperated sigh]

[Conor grunting]

Well, Jill.

it looks like me and you
are getting into
a fight tonight.

[creature growling]

[sniffing]

[moaning softly]

[gasps and moans]

[sniff]

Good a place as any.

[Conor moans]

[moaning]

[Conor groans]

Yeah!

[urinating]

[groans]

[twig snaps]

[leaves rustling]

Get the f*ck out.

What?

I have to pee.

[laughs]
Are you kidding?

No.

I'm so sorry.

I will be right back.

You better hurry.

I will.

Don't go anywhere.

f*ck.

[creature growling]

[both moaning]

[urinating]

[gasp]

[coughing]

[sniffing]

[gasping]

[Lacey moaning]

[panting]

[moans]

[tent fabric ripping]

[creature growling]

[Lacey screams]

[snarling]

Alex! Holy sh*t.

Jane!

[flesh tearing]

[roars]

[cutting flesh]

Jane, get the f*ck
out here!

[Alex coughing]

[roars]

[creature howls]

[Conor screams]

[roars]

[Mac]
Hold the f*ck up.

[Jane]
Oh, God.

[both panting]

What the f*ck
was that?

It looked like
a g*dd*mn alien.

Babe, I got to take
a look.

No.

Just breathe.

-And try to be quiet.
-Okay.

-[whimpers]
-Shh!

Hey. Here.

You good?

[mutters]

We are so f*cked.

-We are so f*cked.
-Hold this there, okay?

Oh, f*ck.

We are so f*cked.

What the f*ck
was that?

I don't know.

But we need to
get the f*ck out
of the woods.

What we need is a big
f*cking machine g*n.

What we need
is to find
the ranger.

No, no, no, no.
We need some f*cking katanas,

some f*cking
throwing stars,

some g*dd*mn Predator-level
f*cking hunting sh*t.

Snap the f*ck
out of it, as*h*le.

What I was going to say is
we need to go to the f*cking car

and get the
g*dd*mn arsenal out of it.

We should just
wait it out here.

Are you f*cking dumb,
Alex?

All of our friends
just got their f*cking guts

ripped the f*ck
out of them.

We're not f*cking
sitting here.

We're going to that
f*cking car.

Fine, let's go.

-Come on.
-Okay.

Who the f*ck
are they?

Is that Meg?

Oh...

[Jane]
No, it's not Meg, okay?

I can't do this anymore.

-It's okay. Shh.
-I wanna go home.

-It's okay, it's okay, Alex.
-I wanna go home right now.

[Mac]
We need to f*cking go,
is what we need to do.

[Jane]
Okay.

-Well, come on, let's go.
-[Alex] Okay.

[Jane]
Come on.

[low growl]

[Mac]
What in the actual f*ck?

Holy sh*t.

[keys rattle]

I got his keys.

Holy f*ck.

Oh, my God.

It's all right.

[scared whimper]

What the f*ck?

I think it...

I think it ate
her ovaries.

-Why would it do that?
-[retching]

-I don't know. It's okay.
-What the f*ck?

Now, we need
the f*cking nunchucks.

Oh, my God.

It's a shame too.

Them t*ts were awesome.

What in the f*ck
are you looking for?

[Jane]
In case that thing comes back,

we should have
some f*cking weapons.

-[creature roars]
-[Mac] Oh, sh*t!

[Jane screams]

f*ck! Jane! Alex!

f*ck!

[groans]

f*ck! f*ck!

[Mac screaming]

[howls]

[snarling]

[squeals]

Jane, he's got nards!

-[flesh tearing]
-No!

[gagging] Jane, run.

[growling]

[blood dripping]

f*ck!

Mac's got the f*cking keys.

Come on. Hurry.

Let's go.

[creature growling]

f*ck you.

[belching and retching]

Stop. Wait.

Baby...

[sighing and panting]

I can't.

Baby, I need you
to keep going.

Nah-uh.

No, baby, come on.

I love you.

No, come on,
you gotta keep going.

No, no, no, no,
come on.

Stay with me, okay?

We're gonna make it
out of here,

I promise.

Alex!

Don't go!
Please don't leave me!

[sobs]

[crying]

Come on, come on,
come on.

[crying]

[low growling]

[sniffing]

[twig snaps]

[footsteps]

[leaves rustling]

[twig snaps]

[footsteps, twigs snapping]

[twig snaps]

[gasps]

[whimpers]

[panting]

[cries]

[growls]

-[meaty thud]
-[howls]

[low growling]

Suck my--

[roars]

[expl*si*n]

[birds tweeting]

[creature shrieks]

[Meg moaning]

One or two?

-Two.
-[laughs]

-[grunts]
-[moaning]

I'm gonna get ba*ls deep
in that a*s

and do some colon blowing.

[screams]

[grunts and laughs]

[man laughing]

Oh, yeah.

[indistinct chatter
and laughter]

[Woman ]
Oh, sh*t.

You just set the ground on fire.

[Woman ]
Yay!

I think that sh*t's
gone bad.

Trust me,
it ain't gone bad.

What about you?

[cameraman]
[laughter] Sorry.

Trust me,
it ain't gone bad.

[indistinct laughing]

You like it.

"I like it"?
What kind of face is that?

In this corner,
we have Scotty-too-Hotty.

In this corner,
we have Shawn, Shawn,
You Really Turn Me On.

-And go.
-[laughter]

[Mac]
I'm giving the creature
a blowjob here.

[Man]
Come in.

This is aimed right at you.

[Man]
Ayse, your vag*na's showing.

[laughs]

You can't be mad
at the effects guy.

[indistinct chatter]

[Man]
I feel really terrible about

[indistinct chatter]

[laughter]

What the f*ck?

Nobody does that.

-[Nadia] Yeah, they do.
-No, they don't.

-[Nadia] In porn.
-Nobody does that.

I've never seen that
in porn. It hurts.

You're watching
the wrong kind then.

f*ck off!

[Man]
Cut! That was awesome.

[Man]
Um, Roman...

you see what I'm poking?

[laughter]

I kinda need light
over this way, possibly.

-'Ello!
-Hello!

I'm here to
plunge your holes.

[Man]
That doesn't look horrible.

Come look at this.

No, I don't mean her.
I'm talking about the light.

[laughing]

Man, we know
many strippers, man.

[slow-mo growl]

[Man]
Where did...?

Where did I...?

Yes?

[man chuckles]

I know you like it.

[Man]
Other than this fire
and just finishing setting up,

you're good for this scene,
right?

Like, the actors are good?

Yup.

Yup.

-Cool. I mean, cool.
-Cool.

I mean, cool.

-[panting]
-[Man] Yeah.

[Conor]
You gonna cue her when to jump,

or is she just gonna do it
on her own?

'Cause I need to know.

I will...

um, no, I won't draw
on acting just because...

Quit rubbing me.

[laughs]
That's weird.

[Conor]
Are you going to tell her
when to jump?

[Man]
Action!

Here we go!

[indistinct laughing]

Scotty doesn't know.

You don't. You think you do.

-You don't.
-Shut up.

f*ck.

Hey, I just met you
and I'm freezing.

[laughs]

[Man]
"But I'm naked
and riding your d*ck."

I'm calling your
f*cking mom right now

and I'm gonna tell her you've
been sucking d*ck in the back.

-I've been f*cking watching--
-She knows!

[man laughs]

[Man]
Yeah, that'll work!

I'm too tired
to have sex tonight, baby.

Go to sleep.

Take care of yourself.

[screaming]

[Director]
sh*t, that looked awesome. Cut.

-[Man] Derek.
-Huh?

I got that on video.

[laughs] Oh, my...

[Man]
Ooo! She's stealing!

[Man]
What'd you say?

What'd you say?
What'd you say?

Oh, look, it's in your face
When are you getting smashed?

When are you
getting smashed?

Oh, sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Into the lesbians.

-[yells]
-[shrieks]

[man laughs]

If you can put one in,
put the whole thing.

Whoa, there.

-Just f*cking fist me.
-[Man] Fist my a*s!

[Man]
I'm glad I'm still recording.

[all laugh]

Whoa, there.

I've had better.

Okay.
I'll give you better.

I'm doing her tonight.

[Man]
Cut.

[all laugh]

[crickets chirping]