13x13 - Mean Francine

[bunniefuu]

CREAKING

DRILLING,

DOG BARKING

GLASS SMASHING,

TRAIN WHISTLING

STEVE MOANING,

BABBLING

CATS SCREECHING,

ALARM BLARES

Please stay green, please.

Come on, come on!

Damn it!

TYRES SCREECH

Are we there?! Are we at camp?!

Almost, honey.

One effing light

in this craphole town,

and I hit it

every mother-loving year.

I can see the entrance!

You guys are so lucky

you get to live

next to the best place in the world.

Hey! That guy's got a sleeping bag!

Mom, maybe he needs a ride to camp!

Whole town's got the camp spirit.

Not too close to the fire, boys!

You'll burn your dogs!

But that's how my friend, Snot,

likes them!

We're finally in the big-boy cabin

this year!

Can you believe it?!

Oh, arts and crafts.

How long is this damn light?

# Big boys rule the camp, yeah

# Big boys rule the camp

# Tomahawk

DOG BARKING

# Big boys rule the camp, yeah

Big boys rule the camp, uh-huh

# The big boys rule the camp

The big boys rule the camp. #

That guy gets it.

WINDOW SHATTERS

STEVE: Ooh, free hammer!

Did anyone see that throw?

# Good morning, USA

# I got a feelin' that it's gonna be

A wonderful day

# The sun in the sky

Has a smile on his face

# And he's shinin' a salute

To the American race

# Oh, boy, it's swell to say...

# Good morning, USA. Argh!

# Good morning, USA. #

CAMP LEADER:

I said-a boom, chicka boom.

CAMPERS:

I said-a boom, chicka boom.

ALL: I said a-boom, chicka rocka,

chicka rocka, chicka boom.

Oh, boy, Snotski.

Looks like someone was in such

a rush, he forgot his sleeping bag.

No matter, you can share mine.

We'll just sleep nose-to-nose,

keep our privates

at a respectful distance and our

faces mashed together, I guess.

Actually, Steve, I won't need

my own bedding this summer,

cos I have this.

Whoa, buddy!

Only counselors

are allowed to have whistles.

Wait.

Are you...?

A counselor-in-training.

My whistle's corked,

so you can't blow through it.

But Chief Danny says

if I do a good job

with the Lil' Apaches,

I'll get FULL whistle privileges.

How...'s it going, boys?

I tell ya, Steve,

every time I see you,

I just wanna give you a wedgie!

You've got a wedgie face.

Anyone ever tell you that?

I usually get "Ellen Page".

But I'm a big Cherokee now, so

I'll be the one giving the wedgies.

Actually,

no-one will be giving wedgies.

Thanks to a lawsuit that, until now,

I was sure you'd filed,

we have a zero-tolerance policy

for bullying.

I don't like it, personally,

but it's really helpful

for the wimps and the Polacks.

Why would you choose to be a CIT

instead of a camper?

If you're a CIT,

you don't have to pay.

It's the only way

I could afford to come this year.

I always forget how poor you are.

I drink generic milk.

It's grey and comes in a bag.

I think it's softening my bones.

But I promise you, nothing is

gonna change between us this summer.

Big boys rule the camp?

BOTH:

Yeah, big boys rule the ca...

I'm part of a class-action lawsuit.

You all laughed at me,

but I told you we needed

five newspaper subscriptions.

Happy anniversary, babe!

Oh, yeah, congratulations, you two!

Which anniversary is it?

Is it one?

Is it two?

Is it 69?

STAN LAUGHS

Well ex*cuted, Jeff.

You just earned yourself

one month of USA Today.

Anyway, we're gonna celebrate

by heading out to Burning Man.

I used to Burn. Got too corporate.

Now you gotta poo

in designated areas.

Anyhoo, how'd you get tickets?

I hear it's hard now.

Uh...

You didn't get tickets?

You told me

you were taking care of it!

AS JEFF: "I got it covered, babe."

Hey, don't get on

the naggin' wagon now.

Could've used that

when I forgot to get tickets!

Ugh! Way to ruin our anniversary!

69 years down the drain.

..which is how this camp

came to be built

on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Which tribe?

The, uh, whatever, kid.

They were friggin' Indians.

And some say their zombie chief

still haunts the camp.

LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS

Whoa, whoa, Steve!

What's going on?

Just telling the Lil' Apaches here

the legend of the camp.

AS THE CRYPT KEEPER:

It's a great dead-time story.

EVIL LAUGH

OK, maybe that's not a good idea.

If you get 'em all riled up,

I'm the one that has to read 'em

an extra chapter of Super Fudge.

I thought this CIT stuff

wasn't gonna change us having fun.

It's not!

Look, let's hang at the rope swing

tomorrow after lunch,

just you and me.

What about them?

They'll be writing letters home

and playing with the iPads

they smuggle in. Right, guys?

We don't ALL have iPads.

LAUGHTER

My Etch-a-Sketch can do

something your iPad can't.

Come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on!

Since you couldn't go

to Burning Man,

I brought Burning Man to you!

I'm giving you two

the best anniversary ever.

And tearing up my lawn!

It's a Burn, Stan.

The only limit...

..is your mind.

CRASH

And the property line.

I can't believe Snot stood me up.

I've wasted the whole day

flawlessly skipping stones.

Oh, no!

It's the man

from the other side of the lake!

Are these yours?!

Your stone hit me and my wife,

while we were making love!

You were alone over there.

That is one narrative!

'As far back as I can remember,

'I always wanted to be a counselor.'

Hey, what do you call 50 townies

at the bottom of a rock slide?

A good start!

LAUGHTER

Good one, chief!

Get you another Sprite?

I don't know, Snot.

Do townies eat their own sh*t?

LAUGHTER

'To me, being a counselor was better

'than being president

of the United States.

'It meant being a somebody

in a town full of nobodies.'

DOOR OPENS

STEVE: You guys get Sprite?!

Camper Steve?

What are you doing

in the counselor cabin?!

I'm sorry, chief.

Just a little misunderstanding.

Do you have any idea how long

I was waiting out there for you?

I'm sorry.

What happened to us

having fun together?

I have responsibilities now,

grown-up stuff.

That are more important than me?

Yes! I mean, sometimes...

Yes.

Oh.

OK. Look, Steve...

Apology accepted.

I wasn't apologising.

I was just gonna say

it's bedtime for you.

STEVE: What a d*ck.

I'm still here.

I wasn't talking to you.

This guy was talking to this guy

about how much of a d*ck he is.

I'm tired of you guys

fighting all the time.

You wanna make up in my mouth?

MOANING

BOY: This, Smith.

This is why no-one

wants to canoe with you.

Hey, guys!

How was arts and crafts?

You make some cool dreamcatchers?

Great, great!

I've just been finding

all the candy you hid in here!

In your pillowcases,

under your mattresses.

And, guys, come on.

I know "Todd" isn't a real camper.

He's just a bunch of

Starburst mushed together,

wearing Noah's clothes.

Didn't you used to sneak candy

into camp?

Yeah, when I was a kid.

Now you're looking at

a grown-a*s man.

Do you see this?

This is what

a grown-a*s man looks like.

You are all missing swimming.

And if I find this stuff again,

I'm gonna make you smell

these Air Walks

I've been wearing all summer

without socks.

STEVE: Snot's not letting you

have any fun, huh?

Well, I'm here to change that.

INHALING

COUGHING

BREATHLESS:

That's a lot of powdered sugar.

COUGHING

What is happening?

COUGHING

What is happening is...

COUGHING

..is I'm...

COUGHING

Mm! Phew!

I'm here to invite you guys

on a panty raid.

Won't that get us in more trouble?

Listen, I came here to have fun!

This time tomorrow,

we could all be knee-deep

in stolen Disney princess Underoos!

Yes! Yeah!

Whoo! Let's do it!

Still doesn't change the fact

that I'm wetting my bed,

because I'm homesick for Mommy.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Hello, my lovelies.

I have playa gifts for you.

Anniversary necklaces.

Together, they symbolise your love.

Wow! Roger, these are beautiful!

Did you make them yourself?

I went to Target myself.

I told you,

I want this to be special for you.

Later, I'm cooking you

a gourmet meal.

Plus, I made you a sheet of acid.

Each tab features a little alien

saying, "Take me to your dealer".

LAUGHS

They usually say "leader",

but this alien likes drugs.

This is so thoughtful.

This whole thing,

it's just too thoughtful.

When has Roger ever done anything

just to be nice?

He always has an ulterior motive.

Dude, that's true.

Maybe these psychedelics

will help us see through his plan.

Jeff, no!

Look, until we figure out what

Roger's up to, we should do nothing,

trust nothing, take nothing.

Can I take a Benadryl,

if I get stung by a bee?

Yes, Jeff, you can take that.

What about

Roger's homemade Benadryl?

It's good that you're asking me

about these things. No.

MUSIC PLAYS

What's that horrible music?

It's called dubstep.

It's the sound of living

in your parents' basement forever.

FRANCINE LAUGHING

Why are you being so uptight, Stan?

Come hula-hoop with me!

Is there another one?!

WIND BLOWS

Oh, no! Roger's acid!

Each of these things can make

a full-grown man trip ba*ls!

Imagine what they'll do

to a four-ounce goldfish!

cr*cker?

MUSIC SLOWS DOWN

I think I'm "crackering" up!

CANNED LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

HE GASPS

They're all here!

DISTORTED: Milanos,

Chessmen, Pretzel Thins.

APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Klaus.

You're high as sh*t.

OK, guys, I did a little panty raid

recon on the girls' cabin...

Actually,

we're not doing the panty raid.

W... Why not?!

Well, we talked about it,

and we get the sense that

you're a pretty nerdy 14-year-old.

But us,

we're pretty cool 10-year-olds.

I've kissed three girls this summer.

So, we're feeling like we should

avoid anything that you do.

HE SIGHS

Ok, first of all, Paul?

BLEEP you.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Whoa! Cool bed!

I stress-tested this baby

to four tonnes,

so feel free to pound it out.

Again, very thoughtful.

The food looks delicious, too.

Good, so you'll eat, then get nice

and tired and sleep like the dead.

What's that? It looks like blood.

NERVOUS CHUCKLE

Must be mine.

I mean, who else's would it be?

Nope. One of those c*ck spaniels

must've had their period in here.

OK, you two, eat and sleep time!

WHISPERS: Oh, this is awesome!

You guys should've seen

the Lil' Apaches.

They were all, like,

"Can we please come with you, Steve?

"None of us

have even kissed a girl".

I heard Paul is ploughing his way

through Cabin Seven.

The point is,

I told them if I'ma do a panty raid,

I'ma do it with my OG's,

the younger, sleepier, Mini Mohawks.

This doesn't feel fun,

what you're doing right now.

It feels more desperate.

SHOUTING: Desperate, how?!

OK, so we're gonna bounce.

Just cos we're leaving, doesn't mean

we don't want you to get better.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

STAN: Hey, where's your glow?

Darktards!

BICYCLE BELL DINGS

All right, we need to figure out

what Roger is up to.

Klaus, are you OK?

Oh, yeah, I'm cool, I'm cool.

I was just gonna cut my face off,

to let the shadow people

out of my skull.

So, the burritos are up for grabs?

Burritos?!

I'm marrying this young couple.

MUSIC CONTINUES

All right, I think I got something.

Roger wrote down a phone number.

Reverse look-up says it's

a medical clinic in El Salvador.

JEFF: Hey, does this mean anything?

Holy crap!

Roger set this whole thing up

to take our organs!

Roger's evil!

But you gotta give him a little

credit for being so organ-ised.

HE CHUCKLES

There's that smile.

Bunch of eight-year-olds

calling me nerdy.

Bunch of six-year-olds

calling me desperate.

I don't need any of 'em.

Snot?

Gotcha.

Don't you mean "Gotye"?

Cos you're...

# Somebody that I used to know. #

ANNOUNCER:

American Dad remembers Gotye.

I can't let you do this.

Sure you can!

You can do it with me!

You don't think I wanna have fun?

But if I have fun,

sunscreen is not applied,

friendship bracelets

are poorly woven,

and no-one scratches Chief Danny's

bug bites to completion!

You know what? Forget it!

I got panties to try on... Raid!

To raid.

Stop, Steve, or I'll...

What?

Blow your corked whistle?

You wouldn't dare.

BLOWS WHISTLE

CIT Snot, you uncorked your whistle.

This better be good.

Camper Steve

was about to commit a panty raid.

By himself? That's kind of a bummer.

And also a clear violation

of our no-bullying policy.

I gotta send ya home.

What?!

I will, however, allow you to sing

Boom Chicka Boom one last time.

But I...

I said a-boom chicka-boom.

SADLY: I said a-boom chicka-boom.

I said a-boom chicka-boom.

CRYING: I said a-boom chicka-boom.

I said a-boom chicka rocka

chicka rocka chicka-boom.

SOBBING: I said a-boom chicka

rocka chicka rocka... chicka-boom.

Gimme a Sprite.

Get the hell out of my bar.

Don't tell me,

Sprite's only for counselors.

GLASS SHATTERS

There's two things

we don't like in this town,

that lousy summer camp and Sprite.

So, you can do the Dew,

or you can be on your way.

You don't have to tell me

that camp sucks.

It double-sucks.

Hey, everybody, this kid's

making a lot of sense over here.

What'd he say, Mo?

He said that camp,

and I quote, "double-sucks".

Whoa!

CHUCKLES

I never had the ba*ls to push it

that far, but he's right.

They drive straight through our town

to drop their bratty kids off.

Never once stopping by

to see what the mill's like.

It's really cool in there.

I bet it is.

That dumb camp kicked me out,

cos I wouldn't play by their rules.

Now my life is garbage,

just like you guys.

Yeah!

This kid gets us.

Ah, I wish there were some way we

could help ya get back at that camp,

you know, since you're one of us.

We could give him

a tour of the mill.

It's really cool in there.

Yes.

Maybe not today, but let's

definitely get that on the books.

In the meantime,

I know just how you guys can help me

get back at that camp.

But before we get to that, which

sushi roll would you recommend?

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Hayley?

Jeff?

Watermelon.

A-ha! Busted!

Wait, what are you...

Did you not sleep in the beautiful

bed I put together for you?

Nope, we've avoided everything

you've done for us this weekend,

because we know

you're harvesting organs!

That cooler is probably full of 'em.

This cooler is filled

with fresh smoked salmon,

for your breakfast in bed!

Man!

For once in my life, I do something

with absolutely no ulterior motive,

cos, oh, it's supposed to

make you feel so good!

Never again!

So what's with

the operating room in your attic?

I was harvesting my own organs!

How do you think

I was planning to pay for all this?

Unfortunately, there's not

much of a market for alien organs,

so I'm going to have to

put 'em back in.

Or maybe not, I haven't noticed

a single difference

since I took them out.

Oh, my God!

# Let's all go to the body

# We'll go in through the butt. #

SQUISHING

HE COUGHS

How long was I out?

Jeff? Did you take advantage of me?

Looks like the counselors

won't be stopping us,

so let's have us a panty raid!

Look, we're adults.

If we go stealing

little kids' panties, well,

that's a list

you don't wanna be on twice.

ALL CHANT: Raid, raid, raid!

Whoa! You guys are motivated!

Wait up!

Steve, what are you doing?!

Me and my new friends from town

are teaching this camp some manners.

GRUNTING AND SCREAMING

It looks more like a riot.

SCREAMING

INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS

HE SCREAMS

HE GROANS

DREAMS: We're free!

This is gonna be my coffee table!

Uh, guys,

m... maybe we should have

a quick pow-wow

to review our objectives here.

You're not our leader, you're just

some kid that looks like Juno.

Only from certain angles!

Now, calm down!

You think you can tell us

what to do?

You'd... You'd k*ll me over this?!

Would it please milady?

CLEARS THROAT

Sorry, I meant "mill lady".

Run, Steve!

Get 'em!

SHOUTING

You can't tread water forever!

Yeah,

but we can do it for 20 minutes,

or else we wouldn't have

lake privileges!

Townie huddle!

MUTTERING

Privileges, 20 minutes.

I know, I know.

OK! Enjoy your swim party.

We're gonna keep raiding.

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

Sorry I brought hell into this camp.

I was just mad at you, because you

were becoming a grown-up first,

and it was changing everything.

No, Steve, I was wrong.

I thought being a grown-up meant

not having fun anymore.

But look at them.

Let me down, you townie scum!

Woo-hoo! Best day ever!

They're having a ball!

Exactly.

No matter how grown up we get...

We'll always be able to have fun.

I think he's havin' a heart attack!

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

Shift change!

Time to get to work, fellas!

WHOOSHING

GASPING

Yes.

This body will do.

Ew! Ew! I'm covered in ants!