13x07 - Klaustastrophe.tv

[bunniefuu]

BANGING

GROANING

SMASHING SOUND

EERIE MUSIC PLAYS

We found the first stone.

Bring it to me.

EERIE MUSIC CONTINUES

I'm so close.

h*-h*-h*-h*!

LAUGHS EVILLY

Oh!

Oh, no, I can't look!

Did I break it?

I feel like I broke it!

Seems fine.

Whew! That was a close one!

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

HE CACKLES

Oops!...

# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm

# All is bright

# Round young virgin

# Mother and child. #

RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES

Impeccable work on the dummies,

Francine.

I never realised how my hair

is exactly like

the bristles of a push-broom.

Yeah, I just see these things.

I don't know. I make connections.

Everyone into your cryo-sleep pods.

Are we really gonna skip Christmas?

Well, it is the time of year

that Santa tries to k*ll us.

Yeah, remember when he came at us

with that elf army?

Don't forget, he also m*rder*d

Grandpa, and now Grandpa is Krampus.

And if it's not Santa,

it's something else.

No-one even's mentioning the time

I wished you all away,

and got a better family.

What?

Huh?

Sorry, what?

But there's been good times, too.

We all love

the Christmas Village in Chimdale.

We get the tree,

ride the little train.

I hate that place.

All those creeps on Grindr

just prowling around the tree farm.

Sickening.

And they always do you up

against some shabby Douglas Fir.

Finding pine needles for weeks,

good Lord.

So we're just

giving up on Christmas?

Christmas sucks, Steve. Let it go.

All right, if everything goes

according to plan,

we'll wake up on the 26th,

but if that awful Santa shows up,

as soon as he lays a hand

on those decoy dummies,

our pods will sh**t

safely into the sewer system.

From there, Roger?

Sewers to Potomac to ocean,

and then the currents will take us

straight to Jimmy Buffett's yacht.

From there, it's nothing but

margaritas and old tan-lined t*ts.

BEEPING, WHIRRING

CLINKING

Gotta put your arms down, son.

God! He's overpowering me!

Stan, it's the dummy.

Wow! You even nailed

the texture of his skin.

Is this pizza?

No! No, it's not.

He's not here, either.

That means Steve's outside!

On Christmas Eve!

We have to find him.

Ooh, his browser history

shows he bought at ticket

to the Chimdale Polar Traintown

Christmas Village, off Route 2.

He's at the Christmas Village.

Of course.

He also searched for

"Muscle lady sexy,

"strong female looks

at camera bench press,

"Naked woman kettle bell strain."

Wow, what a pervert, right?

Klaus, we know you use

Steve's computer.

Let's leave Jeff in the pod.

We'll be right back

and he'll be safer there.

Good thinking, Hayley!

Surf's up, Jeff-er-ee! Hi-ya!

WHOOSHING

DRAMATIC JINGLE BELLS PLAYS

BRAKES SQUEAL

There he is!

Now, I don't like to say "Xmas"

but I love to write it.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

We gotta get back to the pods!

Where's that train going?!

It just goes around the farm

in a little loop.

CHUCKLES

All our kids are on it.

Ooh, bad news, though.

You missed the conductor

handing out free candy canes.

You ever have one of these babies?

The flavour, it's...

How do I put it into words?

Oh! You know those Starlight Mints

you get at restaurants?

It's like one of those really got

a chance to stretch its legs.

Are you explaining a candy cane

to me?

Let him speak!

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

BRAKES SQUEAL

Excuse me.

When does the other train get back?

This is the only train.

But I just saw a train

pull out full of kids!

Sir, are you proposing

there's another train?

A "magic train" that, that

comes around when I'm not here?

I know you're being sarcastic, but

maybe that is what's happening here.

It has to be.

Ask one of these other parents.

Their kids were on the train, too.

SUCKING AND SLURPING NOISES

What? I don't have kids.

I've never had a child.

TO THE TUNE OF "NO SCRUBS - TLC"

# No kids...

No kids!

# No, I don't want no kids

# A kid is a thing

I don't have or want to have. #

This is so strange.

How can they have forgotten

their own children?

Do you think there might be

something in the candy canes?

HAYLEY GASPS

Oh, my God! That's it!

Who licked my candy cane?

Why am I fish?

I'm back from whatever I was doing.

What'd I miss?

Where the hell is Steve?!

TREES RUSTLING

I know what happened to your son.

He's in danger.

Are you seriously

trying to talk to me right now?

Do you not understand

how Grindr works?

We did what we came to do,

but now I'm with my family.

This is my real life.

You're way out of bounds.

Um, I think... I think you're

confusing me with someone else.

I was just saying

that your boy is in danger.

He's been taken to the North Pole.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

Damn, Route 2 Traintown,

this is Rainforest Cafe-calibre

enchantment.

So you're telling me

that Steve has been abducted

and taken to the North Pole?

Mm-hmm.

OK, who did this?

The North Pole, that's a clue.

Maybe those white bears

or those tuxedo birds.

The ones like...

It was Santa Claus. I knew it!

For years, Santa has been stealing

children from around the world,

using them to work on some

mysterious project

in the North Pole.

How do you know all this?

Because I was one of his elves,

until he banished me.

He clipped my ears...

ALL: Ew!

..and stretched my body.

HAYLEY GAGS

My name's Puddin'!

Why were you banished?

Well, I didn't do anything wrong.

It's just like the culture up there

was really diseased

and it was all just,

like, clique-y politics

and people were really threatened

by clear communication.

You were the problem.

He was the problem.

Let's not sit around

and listen to some fired elf.

We have to get to the North Pole

and rescue Steve!

You can't just get

to the North Pole,

not without Christmas magic.

But you're in luck,

because I've got it.

Does anyone else have it,

or can you transfer it to us

somehow without touching us?

So we're pretending this is where

Santa mines his coal

for the bad kids?

Oh, I like it.

Light cardio followed by cocoa?

BOY GROANS

Oh, no!

This boy fainted!

He needs juice

and maybe a sugar cookie.

And what the hell?

I'll take one, too.

Oh, my God!

Steve Smith,

what the hell are you doing here?

Ah! Santa!

W...why are you Chimdale?

This is the North Pole, ya stupid!

Ha! It'll take more

than two elves to...

GROANING

HE SIGHS

Actually, two seems like overkill.

TRAIN CHUGGING, WHISTLE BLOWING

Getting this train

to the North Pole's

gonna take a little trick.

Just do it, Puddin'.

CLINK

TRAIN CHUGGING

SMASHING

We'll be dashed to pieces!

Not with my Christmas magic,

we won't!

The rocks are gonna open!

The season's rising up in me!

I believe!

I believe in the magic of Christmas.

Fa-la-la!

CRASH

Yeah, he didn't have

the Christmas magic.

For elves,

it's in the pointy part of the ears.

Read your Bible, people.

We still need Christmas magic.

I think we all know

where we have to go.

g*nshots

SCREAMING

How much longer do we have to wait?

It's scary here.

Bus 435. It'll be here any second.

IMITATES BRAKES SQUEALING AND HISS

Bus is here!

Any of you guys looking to smash?

I call shotgun.

IN A CREEPY VOICE: The girl.

CRASH, DOOR HISSES

Well, if it isn't my no-good son

and his deadbeat friends.

Hey, Dad.

When I told you I was driving a bus

in Baltimore,

it was so you'd be impressed,

not so you'd visit me unannounced.

We need to get to the North Pole

right away,

and we need your Christmas magic

to get there.

I'm done with that Krampus stuff.

Punishing kids at Christmas?

Too much stress.

I had to get away,

grab myself a slice of paradise.

In Baltimore(?)

Well, technically,

I'm living in Woodlawn,

but, yes, for an out-of-towner,

"Baltimore."

But you don't understand, Krampus.

Santa has kidnapped Steve!

Steve Harvey?!

Santa's gone too far this time!

No! Steve Smith, your grandson!

Fine.

BUTTON CLICKS

MAN: Hey! I was going to the wharf

to yell at the bucket drummers!

Tough!

We're going to the North Pole.

Then I get to sleep on the bus!

This is not a hotel!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

ALL SCREAM

Oh, shut up.

PUDDIN': Yay!

WARPING SOUND

STAN: Where are we?

KRAMPUS: We're nowhere.

We're on a channel between time and

space, before and after all things.

Hey, you know, I was thinking,

we could call you "Grampus."

That is my name.

No, like with a "G," like...

like Grandpa and Krampus.

Behind the line!

Everyone needs to stay

behind the line!

SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE:

HORN HONKS

CRASHING

THEY GASP

BUS DOOR OPENS

Now to get into Santa's village,

we'll need disguises.

Well, well, well, I think I see the

perfect cover right before my eyes.

Fish for sale!

Got a fish for sale!

Mmm, fish! Finally! Head on in.

DOORS CREAK

EERIE "CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS

So you're really not here

to foil my plans?

No, I swear!

I was just trying to have

a nice Christmas.

Then what am I hassling you for?

Cut his throat,

but make it Christmassy.

He wants a nice Christmas.

Ah, ah!

Roger: Fish!

SMACKING SOUND

FRANCINE: Give us our son,

you jelly-bellied b*stard!

I'm saved!

h*-h*-h*! Smiths!

You're never gonna make it

out of the North Pole alive.

Oh, sir, we found the other stone.

Ooh! Let me see it!

Beautiful.

They're both mine.

Smiths, you're free to go.

STAN: Really?

At last, I'm ready to enter

the final stage of my grand design.

STAN: OK, then.

My grand design,

it will change everything.

STAN: Uh-huh.

We go out the way we came?

Yeah, it's two rights

and then a left.

But you're really not in the least

bit curious about what I'm doing?

My grand design?

STAN: Not, not particularly.

OK. But I have to say,

if you guys had a grand design,

I'd at least listen to it.

Of course, I've always been curious.

Even as a child, I took apart

my alarm clock to see how it worked,

but that's me and you guys are you.

And, uh,

I guess I gotta respect that.

STAN: Well, then, it's settled.

Seize them!

Now, in order to answer

all of your questions

about my grand design, we're going

to take a journey back in time.

They'll be a little movie,

a brief Q&A session,

and then I'm going to k*ll you.

Good luck!

I can only be stopped with a...

..copper pot!

What are you, cooking for cowboys?

Why the hell do you have this?!

Cue lights.

A long time ago in the fertile

riverlands of Mesopotamia,

there were an ancient people called

the Sumerians, and it is from them

that we inherit the world's oldest

and most well-known story.

Do I even need to say it?

The Epic Of Gilgamesh.

Ah! Of course, of course.

As the legend goes,

the hero Gilgamesh,

accompanied by his trusted friend

Enkidu,

travelled to the distant

Cedar Forest

and there confronted the ageless,

terrifying giant Humbaba.

ROARS

And when Gilgamesh defeated Humbaba,

cutting off his enormous head,

he was gifted

with the Seven Radiances.

Granting Gilgamesh

immeasurable power.

In some translations,

the "Radiances" are referred to

as the seven "Auras".

That's the Binderman translation!

He's a hack!

What scholars have gotten wrong,

including Binderman,

ESPECIALLY Binderman,

is they believe Humbaba

to be a metaphorical giant, a myth.

But the myth is real!

FANFARE PLAYS

Of course, I'm not the first to seek

the power of Humbaba.

There have been others.

Caesar, Bonaparte, Goebbels,

Temple Grandin.

But they all dug in the wrong place.

And why?

Because they got Pangaea wrong!

My calculations put the Cedar Forest

right under the North Pole!

Why else would

I base my operations here?

The weather(?!)

ROGER CHUCKLING: The weather.

And now,

with nothing left to stop me,

I will use Humbaba's eyes

to end Christmas forever!

STEVE: No!

Yes!

And usher in a new age

of unimaginable terrors

that must be seen to believed!

There are supposed to be

visuals here.

A bunch of CGI footage

of me flying around

and zapping buildings

with my fingers.

It worked in rehearsals!

Tony, why didn't...?

Tony, can we k*ll the music?!

MUSIC SWELLS, THEN CUTS OUT

Tony, why did the other stuff work

and this didn't?

TONY:

They were on different hard drives.

I wanna know why we did that,

but I also feel like I'm gonna be

really frustrated by the answer.

"CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS

Oh, my God, you've found him.

When I place the eyes

in Humbaba's stone face,

I'll receive the full power

of his Seven Radiances.

Or Auras.

Silence!

They're heavier than they look.

I dropped one earlier.

Now, to become a God!

# Ah, ah, ah

# Ah, oh, oh... #

Santa, no! You can't take

Christmas away forever.

What about peace on Earth

and goodwill towards men?

That's kids stuff.

One radiance, two radiances,

three, four, five, six, seven!

They're all here!

Now fly into my body, please!

It's a very subtle feeling.

STAN: They flew past you.

ROARING

ALL: Argh!

CLINKING

Argh! Whoa, things are going down.

LOUD CRASH

We have to climb the side!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

I'm supposed to be all-powerful!

Why is all my stuff

going in the mouth?!

What's happening in there anyways?!

Go look!

Uh, all I see is fire.

Goat legs ain't so great

for climbing, are they, dingus?

CLINK

Whoa!

LAUGHING

I knew you'd save me!

We're the two halves of Christmas,

locked in this dance forever!

Argh!

I don't dance with men.

GROUND CRACKING, ROARING

I thought it was just the head!

Not in Binderman's translation!

He theorised that the throat

was cut, but the body was intact!

I've never even seen you

read a magazine.

ROARING

To the train, everybody!

It's the only way

out of the North Pole!

It won't start!

It's powered by the love

of Christmas.

Won't move an inch without it.

First, the train needs Christmas

magic, then it needs Christmas love.

This is some Christmas

bullshit right here.

BRAKES SQUEAL

Christmas hate powers it in reverse.

STEVE SCOFFS

Christmas.

So stupid.

We have to go the other way!

Yeah, Steve.

Think about your Christmas love!

What's to love?

The whole holiday was just a front

for a sl*ve mining operation,

because some lunatic

wanted to take over the world.

ROARING

ROGER: Steve, stop!

We're heading

right for Humbaba-ba-ba-ba!

Santa was right.

Christmas is kids' stuff,

cos they're the only ones

dumb enough to believe in it.

Francine: We're gonna die!

STEVE: I hate Christmas!

ALL SCREAMING

HUMBABA POWERS DOWN

Turn to stone much, ya giant scrote?

Steve, it's over.

You can have a b*ner

for Christmas again.

No more boners. I'm a man now.

It's time to let Christmas go.

Honey, I know you want

a normal Christmas, but...

But we can't have that.

We'll never have

a traditional Christmas.

Of course we can, son.

But it'll just have to be

our tradition

of having a terrible Christmas.

And we were wrong to try to skip it,

because Christmas

isn't something we skip.

It's something we... endure.

As a family.

TRAIN HISSES

KLAUS: We're moving!

Steve, does this mean...?

Yep!

My b*ner for Christmas is back!

Well, I'm gonna stick around,

move into Santa's castle.

You may never be able

to understand this,

but I've grown a little tired

of driving a bus in Baltimore.

Wait, you can fly?

Like a BLEEP angel!

HE SHOUTS

# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm... #

Have a great night!