I don't need it. I'm telling you.
Just because you don't feel sick now doesn't mean you don't need the shot.
I never get sick, okay? You can take that and give it to Barry.
His nose is always running. What are you giving me sh*t for?
I saw you earlier today. We said hi. I said, "Cole." You said, "Mr. Daisy."
Why are you giving me sh*t today? I mean, it's just a needle, man.
Damn. Come here, get the shot. Ain't nothing to be scared of.
There's 62 kids came here, got a shot, no problem.
You come in here, take ten minutes? I got 84 kids more to go. Okay?
We're boys. Be cool. sh*t, man. Are you gonna take this shot?
Step over here and take the shot, just like you'd take some a*s.
There's nothing to be scared of.
I'm not scared.
p*ssy!
Did you know only one baby was born on the Mayflower?
How crazy is that sh*t?
His name was literally Oceanus.
He didn't even have a nationality.
Just a citizen of the sea, I guess.
What class did you learn that in?
No one learns anything in class. That's why we have the Internet.
There's my dad.
Melanie, get over here.
It was his high-school dream car.
He got it after the divorce to make Mom jealous, but... it didn't work because it's a car. Now.
Dad, can we give Cole a ride home?
Cole, are your parents expecting you to take the bus home?
I guess so. Yeah, they are.
So, you should take the bus, okay, sport?
Sorry, dude. I'll see you, though, neighbor, huh?
I didn't... What's that?
NASCAR Nation, b*tch. Whoo! Dad...
Dad!
Ooh-whah, ooh-whah. Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.
Well, well, well.
Hey, Colonoscopy. How's it hanging?
I don't know. Okay?
Well, speaking of hanging, have your ba*ls dropped yet?
I didn't catch that.
I said, "Why are you so interested in my ba*ls?"
Last thing he cares about is your ba*ls.
Yeah, 'cause on Saturday, I hooked up with Shelly MacEntyre.
The sophomore?
The sophomore. But in many ways, she was a senior.
I don't believe you. You don't need to believe him.
It's not like your belief will validate what happens to his d*ck.
Wanna know how it was?
No, not really.
Well, see, as a 14-year-old in that kind of situation with a 16-year-old that looks like Shelly
MacEntyre, it was overwhelming, man.
I mean, she is a woman.
Fully-developed, man. It's crazy, man. It's...
Man, you know what I'm saying?
I said, do you know what I'm saying?
You just said it didn't matter if I believed you.
Well, I changed my mind, b*tch. Sorry, I wasn't...
Oh, my God. He's so weird.
Ooh-whah, ooh-whah. Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.
Hey!
Did you just touch Cole?
So, what if I did? Jeremy, check it out.
You so much as think about Cole again...
and I'm gonna...
♪ The girls wanna be her The boys wanna be her ♪ You crazy b*tch.
♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ Now get out of here!
Before I run you over, you little Pap smear.
Hey, Coley. Hey, Bee.
These are new.
Yeah, I have to wear them sometimes.
They supposedly help strengthen my left eye, but I can't tell the difference. You look pretty
strong to me.
You skin your palms?
It doesn't hurt. Yeah, it does. Come here.
They bother you a lot? No.
You look away when you lie, dude. They the ones that egg your house?
You gotta punch them in the d*ck.
And if they're chasing you, wait until they've almost got you, drop like a bag of rocks, then when
they trip over you, and they're on the ground, kick them in the d*ck.
Hey, so, tell me, how's the folks? Better, I think.
Hotel therapy's working?
No, come on, it's great.
I mean, they're happy, we get to hang out, and I get paid.
I'm like your little Protestant. What?
'Cause, like, I have to pay you to hang out with me.
Are you trying to say "prost*tute"?
Oh, my God...
No, that would make me the prost*tute and your parents the clients.
That is a terrible analogy. That is the worst one ever.
Oh... Besides, I'd wanna hang out with you either way.
Really?
One hundred percent.
I got two years tops before you're too cool to hang out with me.
I'll never be too cool.
Hey, is that the roof of your tree house?
Yeah, we just started to take it down.
I... I don't care. I mean, my, uh...
Tree houses are for kids anyway.
There's a lot of good memories in there, right?
Yeah.
All right, tomorrow night. You. Me. Party.
Sounds good.
E.T. fingers.
All right. See you, Cee. Bye-bye, Bee.
Gotta get that door fixed. You're still giving this to me, right?
One hundred percent. Can't have a sticky door on my car.
Hey, Mom!
Hey! Cole.
Cole, can you hand me one of those traps, please?
Ow.
Thanks. Hi. Hi.
Thanks, buddy.
God. God.
Mom, how can you be under there? There's like a trillion spiders.
Cole, I don't like it under here. It's pretty much the worst.
Do you think I'm a p*ssy, Mom? Ow.
Do you know what that word means?
Yeah, like, afraid of everything. Ow.
Um...
Huh.
Well...
I think... you are at a time in your life where a lot of things are scary.
But as you get older, those same things will stop frightening you as much.
Okay?
It's gonna be okay.
You should really get some bug spray to k*ll the spiders in there.
What have they done to you? They eat other dirty bugs.
Hey, will you get me a lemonade?
Yep. Thanks.
Mom, I know "p*ssy" also means "vag*na." I'm not Ret*rded.
Cole Johnson. Do not say "Ret*rded."
But I can say "p*ssy" or "vagi..."
Don't say it, okay?
Go get me a lemonade.
Oh, my God, he said "p*ssy."
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Unclench that sphincter. Okay.
How those mirrors looking? Looking good.
Parking brakes?
Nope.
Hands? Ten and two.
Engage.
Dad, did you know that seven teenagers die a day from driving?
Really? Wow.
Did you know that, uh, 14 teenagers die a day from over-worrying?
I went on the Internet, and there's pictures of them. They die like this:
Maybe next week.
All right, buddy, sure. You wanna swap?
Yeah. Good. All right. You did good.
You started the car, you put the seat belt on.
Don't worry about it, pal. There's no rush.
It's okay to be scared. It's not a big deal, okay?
Hey, let me ask you something. Do your friends...
Do they make fun of you for having a babysitter?
Yeah.
But then they see her and get really jealous.
Yeah. Heck, yeah, they do.
I don't know about you, buddy, but I'm feeling like a cop.
I'm craving some donuts.
All right!
What are you watching?
Your dad is bingeing on Mad Men.
Again.
You wouldn't like it.
It's on HBO?
No, it's not... It's not dirty, buddy.
It's not on HBO.
It's dense, you know. So, it might go over your head.
When you get a little older, we'll binge-watch it together.
How about that?
All right. Cole, will you clean up the toys in the hallway for me?
Okay, Mom. Jeez.
Thank you.
Much cleaner.
Who cares?
Hey. Oh.
Hey, that doesn't seem safe at all.
I can handle it. Yeah. No, I get it.
Stop. Stop.
And hand me the knife.
Fabulous. Why you cutting up your car with a knife?
I'm gonna switch the roof with a fastback, so it's aerodynamic. Uh-huh.
It's gonna give me more downforce on the turns.
When it hits the ramp, it'll do a barrel roll and smash into the crash zone exactly how I intend...
Got it, got it. I applaud your passion for aerodynamics.
I absolutely do, but only use this if you're cutting a flank steak.
And don't do that. That's my job.
And if you take that job, what am I doing at this house?
Do you want me to put it back?
No. I'm gonna put this in the dishwasher, 'cause it's coated in my sweat and fear.
My parents are going away again. I think they go to have sex, but it just makes me feel like they
go to get away from me.
They're definitely having sex.
They probably have sex when you're home, too.
Besides, I bet Bee has boys over at your place all the time doing it.
Nope. No.
No way. Not a chance.
Yeah. That's what babysitters do.
They put the kids down, sneak their boyfriends in. Doing it.
Seriously, have you ever been awake after she's fallen asleep?
I dare you to stay up tonight. You'll see.
I'm gonna find out.
Perv. No! I'm choking!
p*ssy!
Honey, not that I'm rushing you, but weren't we supposed to leave at five?
No, honey, 5:30 to avoid holiday traffic.
We were supposed to leave at five.
Don't move the furniture around. We just did the floors.
I don't want your mom yelling. Got it.
I don't yell at you. I just speak in all caps.
Right. That's what I love about her.
Here. Get that. It's probably Bee.
Okay.
Can you hurry up? Yes.
What up, Cee? What up, Bee?
Hey, Bee. How are you? Oh, you know, can't complain.
Good. Where to this weekend?
Uh... The Hyatt. Living large. Mm!
Can't find it!
Uh, try the bottom drawer under your Invisalign.
Um, anyway, you know the drill.
No violent movies, no junk food, bed by ten.
Mom. Bed by 10:30?
You serious? Anything else?
Uh, there is not a bathing suit in that bedroom.
Then, honey, I don't know what to tell you.
I'm not up there. Okay.
He's totally gonna bring his jean shorts. Mom, he calls them jorts.
Well, we'll be fine. I can handle him. I know. You're the best.
I'm bringing my jorts. I knew it!
I'm bringing my jorts. I knew it. Great.
I will be the envy of women everywhere.
Hey, uh, Bee, call us if there's any trouble, okay?
Cole, don't cause any trouble. Dad, I know.
You know what, honey?
You got your flu shot, so no exertion. Mom.
Yeah, no running around. Board games. Got it. Okay?
Hey, Cole, remember, you're the man of the house now.
That's sweet. You are.
We love you. Bye, Bee. I love you. Have fun.
But not too much fun. Not too much.
♪ I don't want you cook my bread ♪
♪ I don't want you make my bed ♪
♪ I don't want you to be true ♪
♪ I just want to make love to you ♪
♪ I don't want you be no sl*ve ♪
♪ I don't want you to be sad and blue ♪
♪ I just want to make love to you ♪
No way you're gonna beat my dive.
So, you're basically saying, intergalactic dream team on a mission.
Yeah. So, there's an epic villain, right? Right.
Okay, so, you have to fill a starship... full of the best people or aliens or robots to take them
down.
How many seats have I got? Five.
Five? Six, if you need, like, a duo.
But you can't have a Predator and Xenomorph.
They'd fight. The mission would be futile.
No, no, okay, I get it.
All right. One... Kirk.
Two, Picard.
Three, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum from Independence Day.
Five, Ripley, and six... Are you ready for this sh*t?
A Xenomorph egg.
No way. Yeah.
Yes. Yes. Okay. Here's the plan.
Kirk and Picard team up to captain, then when they get close, they send Will and Goldblum to
get inside the lair.
They have experience with that. Fair.
Now, this whole time, Ripley's been bitching about the Xenomorph egg and sh*t, 'cause that's
her move.
But she's gotta do this.
It's the only way to save the world. The universe.
Right! Exactly!
So, Will and Goldblum get her inside the lair.
Ripley personally drops off the egg, the facehugger attacks the big bad!
Ripley makes it back to Will and Goldblum, the big bad attacks them, they narrowly escape.
Kirk and Picard supply cover as the spacecraft returns home, then they peace out of there.
Meanwhile, the big bad starts feeling like sh*t...
He's out!
Who said he was a he?
Shut up. A woman just saved the galaxy. Are facehuggers female?
No, 'cause they got dicks.
Oh, so, you're saying it took a d*ck to save the galaxy.
I want a do-over.
I want a do-over. No do-overs.
Come on. Aliens don't abide by our primitive gender stereotypes.
What's done is done. You suck.
You suck, and I hope you die. You couldn't live without me.
It would definitely affect my income. So, you're probably right.
Pizza! Pizza!
Big Indian Chief. So special. So above the law.
I told you, you'd make a mistake, and I'd be waiting.
It doesn't look like I have any choice, does it?
That's right. You don't.
I'm gonna take this right foot... and I'm gonna whop you on that side of your face.
And you wanna know something?
There's not a damn thing you're gonna be able to do about it.
Really? Really.
k*ll that Indian son of a b*tch.
Think my parents are gonna get a divorce?
I don't know, man. I hope not.
Melanie's parents got divorced. Her mom lives with her boyfriend.
That's gross.
Isn't that the cute chick across the street?
Ms. Dryer is not cute. She's gross.
Her boyfriend's like 20.
Not her. Melanie.
I wouldn't say she's cute.
Oh, I would. I would say she's super-duper cute.
I see what you're trying to do. It's not gonna work.
Whatever. You want your tongues to touch.
Nope. No way.
Oh, you're in denial. You're an... as*h*le.
Oh, my God. That was so great.
But you'll be all right if your parents break up.
I mean... you just gotta take care of yourself.
Gotta figure out what you want, and then do what you can to get it.
Ah, sh*t, dude, it's super late.
I'm not tired. Well, I know you're not. I am.
If I give you a shot, will you go to bed?
I don't know, maybe. I'll make it a double.
You'll sleep like a rock. Okay.
Here you are, my good sir.
Don't say a word of this to your parents.
My dad lets me drink Mike's all the time.
Dude, that is the coolest thing I've ever heard in my life.
You're not gonna do it with me?
All right, sure. I'll be right back.
You did it without me?
Cheers.
Whew.
She's getting laid.
I'm gonna find out. Wow, I'm impressed.
That's actually pervy, though, watching people do it.
I'm not a perv. I just wanna know what happens after I go to sleep.
I gotta go.
No.
Enter.
You sleepy?
Yeah, I'm really tired.
Well, rest up. The party continues tomorrow.
You need anything? All right.
Bee? Yeah?
Thanks for knowing me and treating me like I was okay.
You don't think you're okay?
I mean...
I wanna feel normal, but...
I just feel weird most of the time.
Well, I like weird.
All of the time.
So, just imagine how all the girls are gonna love you when you're a senior.
See you in the morning.
Good night, dude.
Ew. Orgy?
Orgy?
Spin it.
Whoo!
Yeah! We lit. We lit.
Truth me.
Out of everybody here, who would you want to sleep with the most?
Sonya. Ooh, yeah.
Hundred percent.
Come on. Sam, you're a close second, stud.
Damn. Okay. My turn.
Yo, people. To this bad girl.
Bee, truth or dare.
Dare.
I dare you to kiss everyone here.
Yes. Ooh, yeah.
She got ba*ls. I need to watch.
All right.
That's what I'm talking about. I'm excited for that.
That's all I'm looking for. Hold on.
Let's go.
I'm ready.
♪ Everybody loves the sunshine ♪ I know it was you, Fredo. I know it was you.
Thank you. Is that Lord of the Rings?
That was The Godfather Part II.
I love her.
All right, this is easy. Come on. That was pretty good.
Oh, okay.
Y'all rehearsed this.
♪ Go to see him when the sun goes down ♪
♪ Ain't no finer boy in town ♪
♪ You're my guy What the doctor ordered ♪
♪ So sweet you make my mouth water ♪
♪ I want candy ♪
♪ I want candy ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ I want candy ♪
♪ I want candy ♪
♪ I want candy ♪
Wait, just give me...
Give me a second to process that sh*t.
You raised by Rick James? I'm thinking a redo.
That's amazing.
Make sure it's real nice and long for you, because I'm black. See that?
There you go. Mm.
f*ck, yeah.
Come on.
Whoo! Yeah!
Oh, Bee!
Bee, what the hell?
You give her that romantic sh*t, and you're gonna lick my face?
Damn, that's all I'm asking.
All right. Freaky sh*t.
Smell good. The spit is nice. Brushed your teeth this morning.
Okay.
Weird. Hi.
Yeah!
Sammy's turn.
Sammy.
She's so hot. Okay.
Come on, Sam. You got this.
Make out with her.
I'm sorry.
This is kind of weird. I don't even really know you guys.
Come on, Sam. Freak you out, there, stud?
Sam, don't be a puss. I don't even know you guys.
I'm not. I'm... I just...
You're staring at me. Oh, we're not looking.
Hey, it's not weird.
Hey. Yeah.
Just close your eyes.
Okay?
Pretend they're not even here.
You can do this.
You got this.
Just because I close my eyes doesn't mean that they're not here.
Do you trust me?
Yes.
Just relax.
It's not weird, okay? We're just having fun.
There he goes.
Shh.
You're helping fulfill a great purpose. Know this.
I don't wanna fulfill a great porpoise.
Did he just say "porpoise"?
Yo, I think he did.
He didn't even get a chance to understand.
Ready?
Ready. Yep.
Oh, okay.
That sh*t leaking.
Wait, hold on. My sh*t ain't working. I think it ran out of blood.
Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t.
Oh, sh*t!
All that blood was just in his b*ner.
Max, don't laugh, okay? John, relax. This blood is serving you.
I did not sign up for this sh*t to serve me in my mouth.
This sh*t's still warm. I think he got a fever.
You know what you signed up for. You want to go platinum, John?
Things can get messy when you make a deal with the devil.
Now collect it.
Like this? There you go.
How long is this gonna take? I just want my sh*t to come true.
Allison, you'll all get what you want.
Okay, let's go.
I don't think this is funny. Look at my outfit.
I just got this sh*t, you feel me? Thirty percent off.
Macy's. Top rack. I don't play games.
You look like Carrie, but black. Carrie would've been better black.
She would have been covered in Hennessy, all right?
What are you wearing? Looking like Big Bird's side b*tch.
I just came from a game. That's why I'm wearing this, obviously.
I was not gonna miss this.
Look at this sh*t. That would go viral so hard.
I mean, nobody's done human sacrifice.
People have always done human sacrifice.
Yeah, but, like... not in America with hot people.
Sonya, get the cases.
Listen, when you're done being totally useless, get a rag and wipe Sacrifice Samuel out my damn
eye. OMG.
Hey.
Nice one, John.
Oh, my God.
I've got Sacrifice Samuel all over me.
What's in the box?
Yo, so, Bee, why do you need the book if you already know what to do?
It's like Jesus asking directions to heaven.
Just f*cking go up, you know?
Well, the Jews have their scrolls, Christians have their Bibles, and the devil has his verses.
Don't touch it. It's very old and very delicate.
It's the only one.
You recite the verse while the blood hits the page.
Without it, none of this happens.
Let's get started before we head upstairs and get the blood of the innocent.
911, what's your emergency?
My name is Cole Johnson. A guy was m*rder*d in my living room.
The address is, uh... 2455 Bigby Drive.
Can you please send someone? Are the attackers still in the house?
They're downstairs having a blast.
How many are there, Cole? Too many.
Can you please get my mom? She's at the Hyatt in the city.
Living large.
Of course, Cole. Now listen to me. It's important that you stay hidden.
I gotta protect myself. Thanks. Do not do that. No, no, no...
Okay.
...we shed about 15 percent of our dead cells.
Whoo!
Yo, this kid's hobby must be getting bullied.
He's reading The Secret?
He's ten years old. What secret he need to know?
Won't he hear us?
With the amount of drugs I gave him? Hell, no.
Good boy. Pretty boy. Do you have the needle?
Of course, I have the needle.
You know, there is a faster way to get all that blood.
What happens when you k*ll someone?
They lose, like, all they Instagram followers.
Oh, my God, that would suck. No, they die.
And then I'd have to find another innocent kid.
And all of this only works if we get that top-shelf pure sh*t.
And Cole is basically a faucet of that for us.
After this, we finish the ritual... and your wish comes true.
Damn, I missed the vein. Mm.
Premium real estate. Go for it.
Wait, you gotta give him a Band-Aid.
Okay. Let's go mix some blood.
John, alley-oop.
LeBron James.
Good boy.
Why is he shirtless?
That's your first question? How can you ask that? Just look at him.
I still don't get it.
Give him a cookie.
No, thanks. Eat the cookie.
I just don't really like cookies, okay? Bee knows that.
You'll feel better if you eat. You fainted.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
After I took your blood, I waited in the room, because something felt off.
I crouched behind the door. A few seconds later, you got up, tied a sheet to your bed, threw the
sheet out the window.
And then you fainted. So, you know...
Your blood sugar is low. Eat the cookie.
Are you mad at me?
Cookie.
This is gonna be so good.
What the...
Oh, there you go.
There you go.
That's a good boy.
Why are you awake, Cole? Because I couldn't sleep.
I don't believe you. Okay, fine. I...
I was gonna go smoke in the woods.
You were gonna go smoke in the woods.
Yeah. You know, like... marijuana.
You weren't gonna share with your boy? Come on, man.
We could've got high, listen to my mix tape. My sh*t's fire.
I wanna smoke pot. Why didn't you drink the shot?
Why is he shirtless? Why did you take my blood?
Cole. Okay. Fine. Because I don't like alcohol.
I just drank it because I wanted you to think I was cool.
Why did you give a 12-year-old alcohol?
'Cause I put sh*t in that alcohol that makes them conk out for eight hours or more.
What else did you see?
I just see you.
And these assholes, who I don't know, in my house.
Why is his shirt covered in blood? No one would let me borrow a shirt.
That's not even an answer. Oh, my God.
Does he not see the mirror behind him? We can see you cutting the rope.
Well, he does now.
Aw, it's so cute, you're still cutting the rope.
Look at you. You're really trying there, aren't you?
Why are you cutting ropes? I don't like being tied up.
Why do you have a knife? It was a gift.
Oh, my God.
He's still cutting the ropes.
Determined little f*ck, aren't you?
Look, I won't tell anyone.
Okay? You know me. I'm good with secrets.
I won't tell my parents that you were having an orgy and needed my blood to do it.
Do you even know what an orgy is?
I'm guessing it's something sad people do
'cause they want other sad people to like them, and they can forget for one minute how sad
they are in general.
That's actually a pretty good answer.
It was for a science project, okay?
The orgy?
No. The blood.
Orgy is when a bunch of people have sex together.
We wouldn't need your blood for that.
You could've just asked.
I would've let you have some blood for science.
I knew you were afraid of needles.
This was clearly a misunderstanding.
Sonya, untie him.
I'm sorry we scared you, Cole. We good?
Oh, sh*t.
Shut up! Holy f*ck!
Not good. f*cking police.
Why are the cops outside, Cole?
I don't know. Did you call them?
No. You said you were in the room. Makes me think you saw something that scared you enough
to call the cops. Right, Cole?
Oh, f*ck!
Answer me, Cole.
Help! Help! I'm tied up inside! They're about...
Ow.
Oh, sh*t! Everybody, freeze!
Hands up, now! Put your hands up! Now!
Now! Here we go.
Hands up! Oh!
sh*t!
Hands up. Don't sh**t, man. Black lives matter, too. You feel me?
Bee!
Oh! Oh, sh*t!
Titty gone!
Titty gone!
Don't you move. Keep your hands up. Nobody move!
Don't you move.
Chill with the g*n stuff.
Chill. You Mexican, right? Look, I speak Spa...
Lo siento, my n*gga, lo siento.
Are you serious?
Max, what you doing, man?
Max, what you doing, man? No, no, no!
Oh.
No!
Harder.
Whoo!
Look, man. Three out of four people got an STD.
I got two people's blood on me.
You do the math. I got A*DS. I know I got A*DS.
You k*lled him!
Kind of your fault, bud. Are you insane?
No, Cole. I'm just trying...
What's the status of that 187 call on Bigby Drive?
Look, man.
I can't go to jail. Y'all k*lled the cops, man.
I ain't involved with this sh*t.
It's fine. Max, pick it up.
It's the statistics.
They say you either end up in jail or dead.
It's gonna be both for me, Bee.
What's the code for "all clear"? What's your status?
Just say "all clear."
Why would he know cop codes?
Stop screaming and act like an adult.
What's the code? I know you know it.
Little boy here a nerd. Tell them the codes.
What's the code?
Ten-fifty-three. Punch that sh*t in.
Bynak, you there? Wait.
You don't get it. You look away when you lie.
You look me in the eyes and tell me the truth.
What is the code for "all clear"?
It's 10-4. Obviously.
What's "we're taking a break to get food"?
Say we're taking a break to... Cole.
Officer Bynak, you need backup?
Code seven.
Ten-four, all clear. We're code seven.
Ten-four. Enjoy your double-double.
Should've been a cop.
sh*t.
Ow, ow!
Oh, my God. Guys.
Oh, my God!
f*cking help me. What are you doing?
Oh, my God. He shot me in the boob.
What kind of d*ck shoots a girl in the boob?
I did not sign up for this sh*t. Stop complaining. Stop all your whining.
They're totally gonna stop growing. They weren't even done.
Sometimes you gotta settle, all right?
I got a cousin Chantelle, t*tties flat.
Personality real good.
Ow. Oh, my God.
Ow! You f*cking b*tch.
What's wrong with you?
Get away from me with your f*cking beret. She's gonna bleed out.
What? No.
What do you mean, I'm gonna bleed?
Can we just stick a tampon in it or something?
Oh, my God. We need to call an ambulance, guys.
I need an ambulance. I don't wanna lose my boob.
I can't do that.
What?
Why not?
Because your boob was shot by a now-dead cop.
Have fun explaining that.
No dude's gonna motorboat these, Bee.
How you like it? You want them quick or you want them long?
You want a little spit on them?
Cole!
Oh, my God. Hey, hey, hey.
Who's gonna want to suck on my n*pples?
No one.
Cole. Come here, Cole. Stop running.
Come here, little baby. Yeah. Come here, buddy.
Just wanna talk. Just wanna talk.
Son of a b*tch.
Hey, this ain't Home Alone. Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, sh*t.
Oh, sh*t.
Right in the jugular. Yeah!
Get him. I got him.
I'm gonna k*ll you with my bare hands.
Whoo!
Now I gotta clean this up. Run, Cole!
I'm coming for you.
Open the door, Cole.
No locked doors, Cole!
Open the door. We just wanna talk, Cole.
Come on, Cole!
Hey, Coley. How's it hanging?
Please, don't k*ll me. Please.
No. You're gonna k*ll me. No.
Max. It's okay, Max. Please.
Got you.
Ow!
Whoa. Deep breaths, buddy.
I'm right on your a*s, Coley!
Keep moving!
Come on, Cole!
Where are you, you little sh*t?
Cole.
Coley.
There's a dead guy...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Bug spray. Blanket.
Lighter.
Whoa. The Fat Dragon.
Coley!
Cole!
Come out and play!
Is this where you are?
Are you right... here?
Good boy.
Beautiful boy.
So soft, so pretty.
Coley!
Where's Cole? Ugh.
Sonya, bring your cookies and help me find this little f*ck.
I'm coming.
Hi, Cole.
Oh, God.
How long do you think it'll take your parents to find your body down here?
Tomorrow?
Two days from now?
Even later?
Probably when your body starts to reek like cheese.
Or we could just burn your body, Cole.
It would be so beautiful.
Oh, you missed.
My nails!
Cole! Cole!
I'm gonna make sure you hurt before you die, Cole.
Cut your fingers off. Every single one.
Come here, Cole!
I'm making a human self-centipede. Yeah!
Human self-centipede, child!
Gonna taste so good, Cole!
Your mouth is gonna get sewn to your a*s, Cole!
Your mouthy a*s!
I'm still alive motherfuck...
Did you just blow up Sonya?
No.
I mean, I'm not even mad. I'm a little surprised.
What did that?
A firework.
A firework?
Holy sh*t.
Damn, good for you, kid.
That is awesome.
So, you want a head start?
Come on, you're the quarterback. Life's not fair, dude.
You guys suck.
You just blew up Sonya.
You can't outrun me, Cole.
Wait until they've almost got you, drop like a bag of rocks.
Kick him in the d*ck.
d*ck.
Whoo!
You missed my d*ck.
No, I didn't. Pretty sure you did.
And I got a big d*ck.
No, you don't.
That's just hurtful.
Please, don't... Don't...
No whining.
Save some dignity.
What the hell is that?
Huh? It's Jeremy.
What? Eggs.
Eggs.
Eggs?
You gotta be sh1tting me.
Somebody's egging your house?
Who is this kid?
Just an as*h*le.
He egg your house a lot? Sometimes.
So, what are you gonna do about it? What?
I said, are you gonna let that little punk come on to your property, your family's property and
disrespect you like that?
No. Hell, no. This is America. You need to wreck his a*s.
Are you kidding me?
Get out there and crush that b*tch.
Go.
Well, well, well.
It's Cole sore.
I like your pajamas.
Thanks. My mom made them.
You wanna do something?
You know what I'm gonna do?
What's that?
I'm gonna take this right foot, and I'm gonna whop you on that side of your face.
And there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Really?
Really.
I'm gonna wreck your a*s.
What the hell was that? You must be crazy.
Jeremy, you have to listen to me, okay?
There's a guy over there who's trying to k*ll me.
I swear to God. I swear to God.
I'm serious. I'm serious.
There are dead bodies in my house.
Wait, seriously? The cops came. They k*lled the cops.
Where is the cop car? They're crazy. They're covering it up.
Okay? If you get me out of this, I'll wear a blue headband.
I'll give you foot massages. I'll do your homework until college.
Oh, okay, okay.
I'll help you.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, if you die, who am I gonna pick on?
Exactly.
Okay, so, here's the plan.
On three, we're gonna make a run for my bike.
You're gonna ride in the back. All right? Thank you.
One, two...
Have fun getting m*rder*d, colon cancer.
Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.
Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.
You talk too much.
Crack him in the face next time.
Not bad. At least you stood up for yourself.
You gonna let me go now?
No.
But if you k*ll me, you won't get what you want.
No, I'm not like the others.
I came here to k*ll people.
Yes! That's what I'm talking about, Cole!
Come on, buddy! Whoo!
Come on, Coley.
Come on, buddy. I'm right behind you. Move your a*s, Cole.
Whoo!
Coming for you.
Whoo!
Come on, buddy. Get moving.
Come on, buddy.
Let's go!
Come on! Get up there! Come on!
Coley.
Come down and play.
Coley.
Come on, Cole.
Chi-chi-chi, chi-chi-chi, ah Chi-chi-chi, chi-chi-chi, ah Stuck in the tree.
No way down!
Coley.
Coley.
Coley.
Where is he?
You're a badass kid.
Relax, Max.
You don't have to do this.
Well, I kind of have to do this.
Don't worry. I'm not gonna let you die with egg on your face.
You poor b*stard.
You deserve better than this.
Tonight you get an honorable death.
Tonight you die a man.
I don't wanna die a man.
Why are there g*ns?
Come here. Come here.
Was that a g*n? I got the two guys and the Asian girl.
The cheerleader got shot. It's just Bee. What is going on?
Bee m*rder*d the geek. Stole my blood. Tied me up. k*lled the cops.
You're really freaking me out. I'm... sorry.
Bee is bad?
Yeah. Bee is bad.
Where's your dad? Out with some Protestant.
But his car's here. She picked him up. He's really desperate.
Am I the only one that still has a babysitter?
Yeah.
So, what do we do? Pray.
Okay. I was kidding.
Oh. But it's probably a great idea, though.
Come on.
You think she can get in here? Not if it's locked.
Your door automatically locks, right?
Nope.
I shouldn't have gotten you into this. You were being shot at.
Especially because I was being shot at.
You're my best friend, I'm sorry. I'm gonna take care of this.
Do you have your phone? Yeah.
Call the cops. Tell them it's a 10-53. Why do you know cop codes?
Because I used to wanna be a cop when I grew up.
You never told me that.
I know. I only told Bee.
Are you okay?
I've had a really bad night.
♪ And then I stop ♪
♪ And say "all right" ♪
♪ Love is kind of crazy With a spooky little boy like you ♪ Uh... The last guy I saw get kissed got
stabbed in the head by two knives.
♪ You always keep me guessing ♪
♪ I never seem to know What you're thinking ♪ Just because she's a psychopath doesn't mean
women are evil.
I know that.
I wish all girls were like you.
♪ And then you smile ♪
I'm gonna put an end to this.
What are you doing?
Keeping you safe. The lock is on the inside, dumbass.
That was sweet of you.
I'm really excited we kissed.
Me, too. Let's make out next time.
Okay. Bye.
Come and get me, Bee!
I'm right here!
It's just you and me!
It's just you and me!
What, you're gonna get shy now?!
I'm going towards my house!
I'm right here, Bee!
I'm right here!
What the hell?
Oh, my God. Where is everything?
Oh, my God.
"Sacrifice... Get your dreams..."
Get off me! I'm gonna k*ll you!
I'm gonna k*ll you!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
What's wrong with you, you little pervert?
What? You can't make me feel bad because I defended myself.
I knew you wanted me this whole time, upstairs in your little room jerking off.
You're just sick. You were trying to k*ll me.
I wasn't trying to k*ll you by punching your d*ck.
I've never felt so violated before.
Oh, God.
I only signed up for this dumb sh*t so I could have my dream job.
And instead, what do I have now, huh?
This.
One deflated, ugly boob.
My life is basically over.
I... I mean... you're still super hot.
What kind of job do you want?
Journalist.
See, that's perfect.
Because you're super smart, and you're hot, and really driven. Thank you.
I could be wrong, but I don't think it would be hard for you to have a cool life.
Really?
You think so? You think maybe we could walk out of this whole thing?
Just call the police and just, you know, forget this ever happened?
Yeah.
Exactly.
Do you think I give a f*ck what you're talking about?
Knife. Where's the knife?
Oh! Dishwasher.
Mom.
Are you the one that put the knife in the dishwasher?
I think so.
Can you not do that? It goes in the butcher block.
Yoo-hoo!
Looking for this?
You still think I'm pretty?
Oh, you think I'm scared of a little fire, huh?
You are dying.
You, you are dying.
You ruined my life.
And now, I'm gonna ruin yours!
Holy sh*t.
I found this in the cop car. That was so graphic.
She was so annoying.
I wanna throw up.
You and me both.
Where's Sonya?
Blown up. Crawlspace. Where are the cops?
Ditched them with the car.
Now I gotta skip town again.
And that leaves you, and what to do with you.
Any suggestions? Are you gonna sh**t me?
No.
No. I was just sh**ting around you, 'cause I thought you'd put your hands up.
I will burn your book!
Cole.
Cole, listen to me. No.
Cole, listen to me. No, Bee! You listen to me!
I've been hunted, you've stolen my blood, k*lled people, shot at me, and just been general
assholes all night.
So, I wanna know what the hell's going on.
Cole, you're too young to understand, okay? Just trust me.
f*ck you!
Cole.
No. You know what? You deserved that.
What, just because I'm 12 means I get to be treated like total sh*t by you and Jeremy and
everyone else?
You know what? You're Don Draper from Mad Men.
How he's all cool and handsome and everybody loves him, then he goes home and you find out
he has a wife the whole time.
He's such a piece of sh*t! Did you just ruin Mad Men for me?
It's not even on anymore. You'll live.
Still.
What happens when you leave here? What do you mean?
I will burn this! Okay.
Cole... what do you want to know?
What's the blood for?
You mix the blood of the innocent with the blood of someone sacrificed, recite the verses, while
dripping it on the page.
And, basically, you get whatever you want.
I used to be so small... and so scared.
Now I'm strong... and I'm confident... and that's all I ever wanted.
And, so, that's all I was to you.
You just used me to get what you wanted.
No.
No, Cole. I chose you.
I mean, I could've shot you and not Allison, but I didn't. I chose you.
'Cause you're the best.
We click, right? You're my guy.
I'm not the first kid, am I?
No.
And you'll leave here and just find another faucet.
You heard that? I heard everything. This is my house.
Okay.
Okay, yes.
And tonight sucked, but we can start again.
So, you have a plan?
Yeah. We just say they attacked us.
I got him.
Whoo!
Plus, dude, we would have so much fun.
Just you and me against the whole world.
No one will ever hurt you ever again.
There'll be nothing left to be afraid of. Isn't that what you wanted?
What do you say, Cole?
I guess...
I guess I have a plan, too.
No!
No!
No!
♪ I've paid my dues ♪ p*ssy!
♪ Time after time ♪ When you're ready, you're ready. A lot of things are scary.
♪ I've done my sentence ♪ You gotta figure out what you want... and then do what you can to
get it. Keys...
Cole!
Ten. Two.
♪ And I need to go on and on And on and on ♪
♪ We are the champions My friends ♪
♪ And we'll keeping on fighting Till the end ♪ Yeah!
♪ We are the champions ♪
♪ We are the champions ♪
♪ No time for losers ♪
♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪
What up, Cee?
You drove a car into your house.
I really didn't see that coming.
You never told me... your intergalactic dream team.
You didn't ask.
I should have.
I'm usually pretty good at that stuff.
Admiral Adama to lead.
Data for his intelligence and cool head.
Predator to fight.
Then me and you.
You didn't say we could add ourselves.
It's science fiction. You can do anything.
Well... I guess that's true.
But don't you get it yet?
I am the big bad.
I loved you.
I don't care about your dumb book or your stupid cult.
I'm an adult... because when I realized you were the big bad... and you betrayed me and were
just gonna hurt other kids, I drove a stolen car through you.
That, I'll give you.
I'll see you, Cee.
Goodbye.
Martinez. Yeah?
Protect and serve, idiot.
It's just a car. Protect my car.
Just a car?! Just a car?!
Do not... Put your hand down right now.
I thought you were gonna drive away. I couldn't leave you.
That was such a d*uche car.
Melanie, get over here.
Get back here. Now.
Bye.
Oh, my God.
Did you just put your face on him? Wanna go get tattoos now?
Yo. What happened?
Dude, Cole stole a car.
Rammed his house. k*lled, like, 50 people.
Fifty people.
Hey, let's get out of here.
Today, y'all. Let's go.
The hell?
Cindy.
Do you have my son? Please... Cole.
Honey. Honey. Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Are you...?
I'm okay. Are you all right?
Oh, my God. What happened? Is that blood?
Hey. What happened?
I don't need a babysitter anymore.
♪ When my best friend said She had lost her man ♪
♪ To her babysitter I thought she was lying ♪
♪ I said, "No 16-year-old schoolgirl ♪
♪ Would ever take a man of mine" ♪
♪ Staying home With our baby all the time ♪
♪ It kept me kind of brokenhearted ♪
♪ So I went And hired myself a babysitter ♪
♪ And that's when my trouble all started ♪
♪ This 16-year-old chick walked in ♪
♪ With a skirt up to her waist ♪
♪ She had a truckload of you-know-what ♪
♪ And all of it in place ♪
♪ I should have been aware, mm-hmm ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, of the babysitter ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah I should've known from the jump, yeah ♪
♪ She was a man-getter, mm-hmm ♪
♪ I should've been aware, uh-huh ♪
♪ Of the babysitter ♪
♪ Should've the known from the jump Yeah ♪
♪ She was a man-getter Yeah, she was ♪
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