..
Hold it, Miles.
Not now, Frank.
I have to speak with Murphy.
Right now.
She's not in yet.
She's not in yet.
Well,
there's only so long
she'll be able to hide
behind that lame excuse.
Then she'll have to be in,
won't she?
Why are you standing here, Frank?
I'm waiting for Murphy.
And I was here first.
Sorry, I have first dibs.
Someone put a handicapped
sign on my parking spot.
I spent half the night
trying to get my car out of the impound yard.
Audrey and I had tickets
to the Royal Lipizzaner Stallions.
By the time we got there,
we'd missed the walking sideways routine.
That's nothing, Miles.
This morning,
I find out from my dry cleaner
that Murphy has been paying him to
take in all my pants exactly one inch.
I've been going nuts.
For three days,
I've been living on
lettuce and sugar-free gum.
All right,
where is she?
Back of the line.
This time she's
gone too far.
I just got a Thank You note
from Manuel Noriega.
Someone sent him an
autographed picture of me
with the inscription
Manny,
I'll be waiting for you,
when you get out.
You're getting fat, Frank.
Morning, all.
Lovely day, isn't it?
No, it isn't.
We've all been stung by
Bozo the Brown
and her bag of tricks.
Well, I've never been one to
condone Murphy's hijinks.
but journalism does have
a long-standing
tradition of pranksterism.
Maybe we should just learn
to take it on the chin.
Good morning,
Washington.
Donuts are on me.
Frank, got some of those
lemon custard babies
you like so much.
Although, maybe you shouldn't.
Looks like you've picked up
a couple of pounds there.
Feeble, Murphy.
Extremely feeble.
I know about
your little trick.
And I was onto it from
the very first moment.
Oh.
Murphy, this has to stop.
Every time you finish
a story a few days early,
you turn this place into
your own personal playground.
I don't want to have to
separate you from the others.
But I will.
Boy,
do I work with a bunch
of killjoys or what?
At least, Jim knows
how to be a good sport.
Pretty good, huh, Jim?
A sign on the back of your car saying
Honk if you want to spank me.
So that's what all
that noise was.
I thought there was a
wedding procession behind me.
Ooh, that's my phone.
Excuse me, guys.
Duty calls.
Yeah, you'd better get that.
It could be Wile E. Coyote,
confirming your order
of Acme anvils.
Hello, you have reached the offices
of Murphy Brown.
If you wish to lodge a complaint,
press ' '.
Now.
What?
Can you hold on?
Where are you going, Murphy?
We're not through here.
I need closure.
Send her on assignment, Miles.
Someplace far away.
Where there are no telephones
or mail service
and the possession of rubber dog
dodo is a felony.
I can't live like this.
The waiting, the wondering.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom,
without checking under the stalls.
Better take a stand, Miles.
She's going to get us in our beds,
while we're sleeping.
fast, guys,
I've got to go.
Murphy,
Before you take off
to hide the toilet paper
on Air Force One,
There's a little matter
of a towing charge.
Sorry, Miles.
I got a lead on a story.
This could be very big.
I can't go into it now.
Oh and, hey guys,
just to show you
even I know when I may
have gone to far,
don't eat the donuts
with the colored sprinkles.
(knocking)
Who is it?
Murphy Brown.
You're Alex?
Yes.
Thank you very much for coming.
Somebody could have followed her.
How do we know she wasn't followed?
I wasn't.
I know what I'm doing.
Look, let's not waste any time.
If what you gentlemen
claim is correct,
you could be blowing the lid off
a very large story.
U.S. covert action in Chile
is a serious charge.
You said you had a dossier?
Ms. Brown,
we don't have any information
on the CIA.
What?
See, uh,
we're environmentalists.
We're from the Coalition
to Preserve America's Resources.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I can explain everything.
This is Dr. Elliot Niebling.
He's a microbiologist
with our team.
Hi.
I really admire your work.
Nice meeting you, too.
And, uh, this is
Marshall Caldwell.
He writes our newsletter,
as well as being a member of
Sierra Club
Common Cause and
Mothers for a Nuclear Free World.
Pleasure. Really.
I'm out of here.
Wait, Ms. Brown.
Let me just
get to the point.
For six years, our group has
been fighting to save Las Rivas,
one of the most pristine
stretches of wetlands in Oregon.
Wetlands that are about
to be destroyed to make way
for a five-acre
commercial development.
Elliot?
Thank you, Alex.
A development that will
dump millions of
gallons of waste products
into the waterway each year,
creating a black hole out of
what was once a
richly diverse ecosystem.
that represents the very
womb of our existence.
They're going to build a Sizzler.
Let me fast forward here.
If I had to make a wild guess,
I'd say you want me
to do a story on it.
Exactly.
Guys.
Guys, you didn't have to lie
to get my interest.
I care about
the environment.
I separate my trash.
I try not to use
disposable products.
And I never order
a glass of water
in a restaurant,
unless I'm choking.
I'd be more than happy
to look into your story.
I knew you'd help us.
You have kind eyes
and you smell like sandalwood.
So, give me your materials,
I'll go back to my office.
If the story checks out,
I'll cover it
as soon as the show
has an opening.
Wait a minute.
I don't think you understand.
At this very moment,
bulldozers sit
ready to plow
Las Rivas under.
These wetlands help
filter our waterways
and clean our air.
We need you to do this piece
on tomorrow night's show.
Guys, I'd love to,
but it doesn't work that way.
Besides, tomorrow's
show is already set.
And if I'm going to do
a fair and accurate story,
I have to fly to
the area myself,
Interview the
parties involved,
check out the facts ...
I knew it.
I knew it.
She's giving us
the brush off.
She's just like all those
other newspeople.
You know, last year,
the media couldn't wait
to traipse all
over the countryside
taking pictures
of Spotted Owls
and dying forests.
Now, they're all
on to something new.
Like this Twin Peaks thing.
Who cares who
k*lled Laura Palmer?
Okay.
That's a low blow.
I don't view
environmental issues
just like some
passing fad.
I respect your goals.
I do.
So, give me your research.
I've got to go.
Okay.
Well ...
Motion to proceed to Plan B.
All in favor, say aye.
All: Aye.
Plan B?
What's Plan B?
Until FYI does our story,
I'm afraid that we're
going to have to ...
You know ...
Detain you.
What do you mean?
Kidnap me?
Is that what you mean?
Kidnap me?
Well, yes, actually.
Come on, guys.
I know it's a good cause,
but ecoterrorism isn't the way
to get what you want.
And let's be honest--
We all know you're
out of your league.
Don't underestimate us.
We have tried to work
within the system.
We have petitioned
and protested.
Now, we've been
pushed to our limit.'
We're desperate men.
You have a duck mobile.
Desperate men don't
have duck mobiles.
Now, open the door.
Take off, Sydney!
We're lost.
Aren't we, Alex?
What are we supposed
to do with her,
if we can't find the
abandoned warehouse?
We can't just
keep driving around.
We are not lost.
It's supposed to
be on Q Street.
Maybe there's
another Q Street.
I thought you said
you knew Washington, Alex.
You said you
worked here.
Only for a little while.
I was campaigning
for Gary Hart.
I don't want to talk about it.
There's too much traffic.
Why don't you
people carpool?
God, I hate this city.
Oh, boys,
I feel like I should tell you --
A lot of the charm of this
moment is wearing off for me.
Please,
just be patient, Ms. Brown.
We've never done
anything like this before.
Rest assured,
we would never hurt you.
Just park it, Sydney!
(screeching halt)
I know this can't
be comfortable for you.
But if it's any consolation,
a canvas bag is much more
ecologically sound
than a paper or
a plastic one.
May I call you Murphy?
Get this bag off my head.
Alex, it has been
over two hours.
Is the door locked?
Yes.
Okay, all in favor of
taking the bag off, say aye.
All: Aye.
Motion carries.
Remove the bag
and untie her.
It's about time!
What do you mean putting
a bag over someone's head?
I could've suffocated.
And what was in there, anyway?
Old broccoli?
You guys really blew it.
You don't have a plan,
and you know it.
We do too have a plan.
We're going to call FYI
and tell them that
we're holding their star
reporter hostage.
Then they have
to do our story.
You guys obviously don't
know journalists very well.
No self-respecting
news organization
is going to be strong-armed
into airing a story.
no matter how
important it is.
(ringing)
Phil's Bar and Grill.
Phil speaking.
Silverberg?
Yeah, he's here.
Who's calling?
Alex?
Alex who?
Just Alex?
Nobody's named just Alex.
Now give me a name,
or I'm hanging up.
Alex Smith?
What do you
take me for, Alex?
Are you the same guy
who called here last week
asking for Harry Butts?
I didn't think
that was funny.
Now give me
a damn name.
Okay.
Hey, Miles.
There's an Alex Trebek
on the phone for you.
Did he say what
it was about, Phil?
Do I look like an
phone machine?
Hello.
Yes, this is he.
What?
What?
Guys! Guys!
Yes, I'm listening.
So what you're saying is
you've kidnapped Murphy Brown?
Unless FYI does a story on the
Las Rivas wetlands tomorrow night,
we may never see her again.
Okay.
Look, before you
throw her in the river,
Make sure you get that
$ she owes me for lunch.
(laughter through phone)
This is unbelievable.
One of them is singing
<i>Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead</i>
These are your friends?!
Give me that.
Hello, guys.
Hi, it's me.
Listen, this is no joke.
You've got to talk
to these men.
Knock it off, Miles.
You laugh like a girl.
Jim, can you hear me?
Jim, this is a serious situation.
You may never see me again.
Hello?
Something is
not working, Alex.
We must have
miscalculated somewhere.
No!
We can't cave now.
There's got to be
somebody out there
who'll notice that
she's missing.
And when they do,
we'll get the coverage that we need.
Until then, we're
staying right here,
where it's safe.
Fine.
Have it your way.
But you could've picked a better
place to park than behind the mint.
Why do you think
we're behind the mint?
It's Tuesday.
I can smell them burning
the old dollar bills.
And I thought I'd give
the exclusive to The Post
because you and I have
been pals for so long.
Oh, come on, Howard.
It's been six months
Since I sent that phony IRS
agent to your office.
Can't you let
anything go?
Hello?
Howard?
This is incomprehensible.
She's made phone calls.
Do you know the statistical probabilities
of no one believing her?
But she's trying.
Isn't there someone else
you can call?
Like Alan Alda.
Why don't you call Alan Alda?
He seems like someone
who believes people.
I don't know Alan Alda!
You don't have to yell.
Yes, I do!
I have to yell!
I'm yelling!!
Oh-kay.
I finally found her some food.
There weren't a lot of places open.
But I managed to
find a sandwich shop.
It took you long enough.
You know, even
prisoners of w*r have rules
about getting fed.
Alex?
What's that?
What?
A plastic bag?
A what?
A plastic bag, okay.
I forgot the canvas one, okay?
Well, you know the policy.
You're going to
have to take it back
and explain to the manager
how the molecular structure
of plastic makes it virtually
impossible to biodegrade.
Yeah, I'm really going
to explain that to a kid
wearing an
"I Love Satan" T-shirt.
I'm not taking it back.
I don't have to.
I'm the leader.
He's the leader.
Of course,
that doesn't mean
he'll do more jail time,
when they catch you.
Even though he is one
who got you all into this.
She's right.
I didn't even want
to do a kidnapping.
I wanted to do
a bike-a-thon.
Fine.
Let somebody else
be the leader.
Be my guest.
Okay, I'll be the leader.
You?
You can't be the leader.
Why not?
All right, everybody,
I'm taking over this whole operation.
You?
Are you kidding me?
You can't even run
an overhead projector.
Oh, really?
They don't appreciate you, Elliot.
It's very clear.
They don't listen to you.
You don't listen to me.
You never listen to me.
Why should we?
Everything out of your
mouth is so depressing.
Well, life is depressing, okay?
What am I supposed to do?
Walk around laughing,
when a new ice age is coming?
(arguing)
Hold it!
This is the oldest
trick in the book.
She's trying to get us
to fight amongst ourselves.
The old divide and conquer.
Pickle?
Oh, God. Look
at that reporter.
You guys want to do something
to save the environment, kidnap her.
She's got enough lip gloss on
to slick an ocean.
See what's on channel .
Marshall?
I'm not a remote control, okay?
You're not a remote.
You're not a maid.
You're not a waiter.
Give me a break here.
I'm being held against my will.
Change the channel.
Keep going.
Keep going.
God.
You call these pretzels?
Who buys pretzels
made of oat bran?
You guys don't know
how to shop.
Oh, lovely.
A feminine hygiene commercial.
Take it from me, fellas--
Not once have I played
Frisbee on the beach,
while discussing
freshness with my mother.
Larry King:
Hello. You're on.
Finally, something decent to watch.
Maybe, I should have called him.
Give me the phone.
This is too perfect.
Why didn't I think of this before?
(chanting): Pick up, Larry.
Hello, Pat?
It's me, Murphy Brown.
Listen, can you
put me on with Larry?
It's important.
Great! Thanks.
Larry:
Thanks, Jackie.
Now we've got a call
from Washington, D.C.
Hello?
Larry, it's me,
Murphy Brown. Hi.
Murphy Brown,
from FYI.
What a surprise.
You have
some news to share with us
on the money supply?
No, Larry.
Listen carefully.
I've been kidnapped by a
group of radical environmentalists.
And until their demands are met,
they won't let me go.
It's been hours and
it's getting pretty dicey.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is an extraordinary circumstance.
Please bear with us.
Murphy, don't panic.
We will get you
out of there.
Yes!
I knew it.
Now, just tell us,
who is it that's kidnapped you?
Smokey the Bear
in a ski mask?
What?
What a joker you are, my friend.
Murphy and I are old pals.
She always knows
how to get to me.
The last time she called
she said she was Salman Rushdie.
That was a joke.
This is serious.
Larry, you've got to help me.
There's no telling what they'll do next.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a great journalist
and a good buddy,
Murphy Brown.
I'll get you for this, Larry.
I'll get you, if it's
the last thing I do.
Go to sleep,
you crazy kid.
Let's go to Detroit.
Hello?
Well,
I guess that means
I'll be spending the night.
God, I hate sleeping
in my clothes.
Excuse me, while I
rinse out a few things.
I'll just use the bathroom
in the east wing.
We'd better guard
the door, tonight.
Elliot, you're the insomniac.
You take the first shift.
Be careful.
We don't want her to escape.
Alex,
what if she did escape?
Yes, suppose one of us were
to leave the door open
in an accidental
and shameful oversight.
What about our cause?
What about the six years
we've fought to save the wetlands?
You're going to just toss that aside
because of one woman's petty annoyance?
Okay, who left hair in the soap?
Let's dump her.
All in favor say aye.
All: Aye.
Do you see this?
Do you?
A run.
Right there.
These were fresh out of
the package, this morning.
Now you've done it.
Now you've really done it.
You owe me $ . .
Gee, it's awfully
cold in here.
Is that a draft I feel?
Brr.
Don't try to change the subject.
I want a new pair,
and I want them now.
Midnight blue,
extra sheer,
sandal foot.
Now! Now! Now!
Look, Ms. Brown,
We have something to say.
We've been thinking, and uh...
The end doesn't justify the means.
Terrorism is no way to solve conflict.
We still have a few
legitimate avenues open to us.
That's where we're
going to put our energies.
What are you saying, Alex?
Get out!
What are you blind?
The door's wide open.
We
don't
want
you
here.
We're ready to go to jail,
or drive back to Oregon,
or eat off the floor
of a nuclear reactor,
if you would just go.
Just go.
Go.
Well ...
That's just swell.
You men
are all alike.
You beg us to come over.
You tie us up.
And then, when you're
finished with us,
you toss us out the door
like some old shoe.
Boy, this has been one
glorious, humiliating day
all the way around.
You guys have a lot to learn
about kidnapping.
A lot.
See you 'round,
boys.
Bye.
Good bye.
And I'm sorry.
Look, fellas,
You're no ecoterrorists.
You just got lost in your passions.
You're fighting a battle
more people should be involved in.
I respect that.
I really do.
So I'm going to keep the promise
I made from the beginning.
When I get back to my office,
I'm going to look into your story.
I hope it works out.
She's still here, Alex.
Okay.
Okay, I'm going.
How about at least giving
me a ride back to FYI?
We don't have to.
We've been parked in front
of the building for hours.
I knew that.
Oh, hi, Murph.
Buying a camper?
It must be nice, goofing off all day,
while we've been working like dogs.
But we're finished now,
and we're off to Phil's for a nightcap.
If you promise to behave,
you may join us.
Oh, hello.
We're friends of Murphy's.
She's buying a camper.
Really? Neat.
Coming, Murphy?
Okay.
Maybe I wasn't really
kidnapped this time.
But what if I had been?
Would you have rescued me?
You would have,
wouldn't you?
You guys...