02x07 - Teenage Marriage: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [Humming]

♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪

[Sighs]

Keep up the good work, girls.

But at this speed, you'll be
through by next Christmas.

Would it be too much
trouble for the girls at

this school to put their
junk in the garbage,

so I don't have to break my
back picking up after them?

I don't believe it. I've
turned into my mother.

Well, Blair, you all set for
the big debate tomorrow?

Yes. But I've had to practice my
disdainful stare and sarcastic chuckle.

[Fake Laugh]

Ah, you're a born debater.

You take such pleasure in
tearing people apart. [Chuckles]

Thank you.

Guess what? Jo made
the debating team!

Terrific! Jo and Blair
on the same team.

How thrilling. [Fake Laugh]

Our first debate is against
the guys at Bates Academy.

- Huh! You'll cream 'em.
- I don't know.

Bink Parker's on their team.
He's practically a genius.

Oh, relax. I'm a pretty
good fast-talker myself.

I picked it up at home
watching some of my friends.

- Debaters?
- No, defendants.

You girls'll do fine.

Besides, it'll give you a chance to
meet some of those foxy Bates boys.

Who needs those stuffy
creeps? I got the best... Eddie.

Wonderful. We get to hear another
chapter of The Young and the Restless.

I mean, what he says about me
in his last letter is sheer poetry.

"The navy's working
me like a dog." [Sighs]

"Every night, my tongue's
dragging on the floor."

He's a regular Longfellow.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait. I'm
getting to the poetry part.

No, I-I'm too modest
to read this aloud.

Here, you read it,
Mrs. Garrett. Oh, no.

I never read love letters at night
after my warm milk. Too stimulating.

I'll read it. Nothing's
too stimulating for me.

"Keeping you in my head is the
only way I get through the grind.

"When I hold a
mop, I'm holding you.

"When I grab a pan,
I'm grabbing you.

When I peel a potato,
I'm peeling you."

A guy saying things
like that. You could die.

I'd certainly want to.

Eddie must really
be serious about you.

He's plenty serious. If only
my Mom would like him more.

Oh, hey, speaking of
my mom, I think I'll call

her and tell her I'm
on the debating team.

I didn't even bother
calling my mother.

Good news about me
is getting repetitious.

Boy, mom's gonna flip.

Hey, Jo, why don't you ask her
to come up for the big debate?

Oh, sorry. Got the wrong number.

Yeah, this is Rose's
daughter. Who's askin'?

Jack? I don't know any Jack.

Yeah, hi, Mom. Yeah,
I'm fine. Who's Jack?

Oh, yeah? How long's
he been living there?

[Scoffs] So now I know
why you were so busy.

Why'd you tell me you
were working double shifts?

Who's upset?

You wanna live with ol' Jack,
fine! You don't need my permission.

Listen, I got
homework to do. Bye.

I guess she's not coming
up for the big debate.

So what? She's got good ol'
Jack. That's all she cares about.

Jo, you know that's not true.

Living with a guy. No wonder I
got shipped up here to Girls Town.

She wanted to dump me!

She wanted you to have a
good education, plain and simple.

Yeah? Then why didn't she tell me
she was getting a new roommate?

Listen, Jo. I know we
don't usually agree.

But that was a scuzzy
thing for your mother to do.

What's so scuzzy about it, Blair?
Don't you read The National Enquirer?

Some of the best
people are shacking up.

Tootie! I'm surrounded
by X-rated kids.

Uh, girls, don't you
have something to do?

Jo, there's only one way
to straighten this thing out.

Call your mom back
and talk it out with her.

I could talk a lot freer to my
mom if I had some privacy.

Gotcha. Try to get her to
come up to the debate, huh?

Sure. Okay.

[Footsteps Departing]

Hello, operator?

Yeah, I'd like to make a person-to-person
call to... Seaman Recruit Eddie Brennan.

Yeah, at the, uh, Great Lakes
Naval Training Center. The area...

- Hi.
- Hello, sailor.

I couldn't resist saying that. I'm
Natalie. Glad to meet you, Eddie.

- How'd you know it was me?
- I wake up looking at you
every morning.

Your picture. I'm Jo's roommate.

- Eddie!
- Hi.

What are you doing
here? What a shock!

Natalie? Could we have
a little privacy please?

Sure! Of course, Jo. I'm
hip. Hey, I've been there.

What are you doing
here? I didn't expect you

to come all the way
up here from Chicago.

Hey, after hearing your little voice on
the phone, I could tell you needed me.

Especially the way your Mom
dumped you. So I hitched a ride.

Thanks.

Here. I bought your favorites...
nuts and chews, heavy on the chews.

You remembered.

Hello!

Uh, Mrs. Garrett, guess who
dropped by... Eddie Brennan.

Ah, yes, the poet.

I'm Tootie. Love your letters.

Uh, and this is another
one of my roommates... Blair.

Oh, yeah. Park Avenue.
You wrote about her.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Uh, Mrs. G., Eddie and
I have a lot to talk about.

So, um, we'll be in the
lounge, okay? [Pats Hand]

So, how you doing?

Do you believe she called me back today
and tried to tell me how great ol' Jack is,

and how nothing
will change? [Scoffs]

That's a laugh.

I don't see how anything'll ever be
the same between Mom and me again.

- And that includes
Vidal Sassoon night.
- Vidal Sassoon night?

Oh, yeah. That's
when we'd get in old,

beat-up robes, and
then we'd order in pizza.

And I'd frost Mom's hair.

And when we were finished, I'd
wash out the peroxide, and the pizza,

and I'd say, "If you don't
look good, we don't look good."

[Chuckles] And we'd
both split a gut laughin'.

Well, that's down the tubes.

Hey. Hey, Jo, come on.

You got me. I'm the guy
who really cares about you.

Here. I want you to have this.

Oh, Eddie, a
ring! It's beautiful!

Yeah, best one at Kmart.

It's a little big on me, but...

That's okay. I brought
along some tape.

You think of everything.

This must've cost you a mint!

Yeah, but I'll have it paid
off in a couple of years.

Jo, uh, I love you.

And now, all we
have is each other.

That's why I want
you to marry me.

Marry you?

I always knew someday
we'd get married. But now?

I... I don't know what to say.

Well, how about, "Yes"?

Eddie, I'm . I...

It's okay. On our way back to
Chicago, we can stop off at West Virginia.

Sixteen's the legal age there.

But I'm not even
finished with high school.

And-And I don't want to blow
what Mom spent on this place.

Come on. You can't
worry about that now.

Jo, I miss you. It's really
lonely out there without you.

I haven't even
looked at another girl.

You better not, if you want
to pass the navy physical.

I'm so confused.
I can't even think.

Well, then let me
do the thinking.

Look, I don't want to rush you,
but I gotta start back tomorrow.

- When's your leave up?
- I couldn't get a leave. I'm AWOL.

AWOL? But don't get mad.

I'm not mad.

Y-You did that for me?

Well, yeah. Who else
do I got to do it for?

So, how about it?
We can go tomorrow.

Eddie, please, let
me think about it.

Sure. I'll just get a
room at the "Y" tonight.

But, uh, you'll keep
the ring while you think?

- Sure.
- And the tape?

Right.

You know, we can have
our own place, honey.

And over the mailbox it'll read,
Mr. and Mrs. Eddie Brennan.

Think about it.

What are you doing?
Tootie, I'll drop the food! Here!

Tootie! Oh, my God!

Tootie, wait! Tootie! Don't!

I'll never be able to show
my face at Bates again.

Do you call what you
were doing debating?

Hey, don't start with me.
I had stuff on my mind.

What mind?

Blair, how would you like a free
face-lift, right off of your neck?

Let me take a wild
guess. You lost the debate.

Of course we lost. But worse
than that, she did the impossible.

She made me look dumb.

Yeah, I let her talk.

Okay, I admit it. My
mind did wander a little.

If it wandered where Eddie
was, he's jogging at the track.

Oh, yeah? Oh, great. Thanks.

So, that's why we lost.
You had your mind on Eddie.

Hey! Don't go blaming
Eddie like my Mom does.

At least he's ready to
prove how he feels about me.

What's he going to do?
Tattoo your name on his chest?

Forget I mentioned it, okay?

Could it have anything to do
with that tape on your finger...

you've been looking at every
time you think no one's watching?

No. I burned myself, that's all.

[Gasps] A ring! Is this
an engagement ring?

An engagement ring!
Stand back. I'm identifying.

That's not an engagement ring. An
engagement ring has a diamond in it.

It's got a diamond in it.

Maybe it would help
to bring it a little closer.

Of course. Now I see it. Lovely.

Jo, we're your pals. The biggest
news of the year, and you didn't tell us?

Tootie, maybe there's a reason
Jo didn't tell us... a big reason.

You mean, the one that begins
with a "P" and ends in nine months?

Would you knock it
off? I'm not pregnant.

Eddie asked me to marry him, and I
told him I'd give him an answer tomorrow.

Well, of course you're
gonna turn him down.

You are only years old.

So what? Juliet was only
when she married Romeo.

Yes, and they had a great
wedding night. They both died.

Yeah, but otherwise their marriage
would have worked out great.

Look, it's my
decision, so just drop it.

We've got to do something.

It's gonna be up to me to come up
with one of my brilliant ideas again.

I know. I'll call Bink Parker...

and tell him I'll
go out with him.

Bink Parker?

Yes. Bink Parker. He's perfect!

Blair, you always said
Bink Parker was a wienie.

Yes. But he's a
brilliant wienie.

And captain of the
Bates debating team.

I'll ask Eddie and Jo to
go to dinner with us tonight,

and then Bink can talk 'em
out of this stupid marriage.

[Beeping] Jo.

Hi. What's up?

Nothing important. I-I don't want to
disturb you adding up your figures.

What figures? This is Tootie's
electronic football game.

Hey, who's in there?

Do you know Shakespeare?

Uh, well, not personally. Why?

Well, you remember
Romeo and Juliet?

They were the ones who
got married then croaked.

Some people thought they
were too young to get married.

Not to mention
too young to croak.

Well, see, I'm doing this paper on
them, and I'm trying to stay objective.

Oh. Yeah, I see.

They were so much in love. I'm
sure things could've worked out.

Well, let's think about this.

First, the happy couple
had to find a place to live.

And their families
weren't about to help 'em.

So, Romeo would have
gone to work to pay the rent.

Romeo didn't have any skills,
except climbing balconies,

so Juliet would have
to go to work too.

Fine, she'll go to work.

Yeah, you can count on it. So,
they'd both be working night and day.

And they wouldn't see
much of each other.

And she'd say, "Wherefore
art thou, Romeo?"

And he'd say,
"Don't bust my chops.

I'm moonlighting at McDonald's."

Yeah, but, uh, when they
would see each other... Wow!

Which brings up the subject
of little Romeos and Juliets.

[Sighs] Kids would
make it even tougher.

Of course, by then, finishing high
school would be out of the question...

for Romeo and Juliet.

You're talking about
Eddie and me, aren't you?

Aren't you?

Jo, remember Bink
Parker from the debate?

He's taking me out tonight.

How come? I thought
he won the debate.

I thought you and Eddie
would like to go to dinner with us.

We've never been on
a double date before.

So far we've been lucky.

[Scoffs] No, it's because you would
never go out with anyone but Eddie,

and Eddie was
never here till now.

You're not kidding?

Why do I smell a rat? [Laughs]

I really should get
to know Eddie better.

He's practically a
member of the family.

That's a real nice
thing to say, Blair.

Yeah, thanks.
We'll go. Marvelous.

There's this darling
little French restaurant

that just opened
up. You'll love it.

Just as long as I
don't have to eat snails.

See you later. See you later.

Have a good time,
huh? [Chuckles]

Operator, in New York City,

I want the number of
Mrs. Rose Polniaczek.

P-O-L-N-I-A...

I still can't get over the fact
that you finally went out with me.

I thought you
thought I was a wienie.

Why, Binky, I've always
thought you were fascinating.

Now remember,
when they get here,

I'll lead them into a
discussion of marriage.

Then you can tell
them they're crazy.

That isn't how it's done, Blair.

A good debater doesn't lecture. He uses
his opponent's weaknesses against him.

You see, the secret of
debating... All right, Bink.

Just do your thing.

There they are.

Hi. Hi, Jo. You remember Bink.

Bink Parker, Eddie Brennan.

- Hiya, Bink.
- Hi and congratulations.

I hear you two are engaged.

You got it. Show
'em the rock, honey.

Uh, yes, I saw it this
afternoon. Stunning.

Good evening. Shall
we do the menu together?

Hey, it's my party.
I'm picking up the tab.

Eddie. So I'll just
order for everyone.

Look, uh, I don't want
to sound chintzy, but

isn't bucks a bit
outta line for Wheaties?

Quel Wheaties?

Right there. "Breakfast
of Champions."

Uh, no, Eddie. That's
Biftek aux Champignons.

Beefsteak with mushrooms.

Oh. Well, that's good
for everyone, right?

And, uh, bring soups and
salads for everyone first, all right?

Eddie, I've been
adding things up here.

Are you aware the food you
just ordered will come to...

$ . without tip?

Hey, you better check
your ol' calculator there.

That's four dinners at
bucks a pop. That's bucks.

Eddie, the, uh,
entrees are a la carte.

The soup and salad are extra.

Oh, gee. I'm gonna
be a little short here.

A la carte kills you
every time. [Chuckles]

Look, I'll take care of it.
You can catch it next time.

Great. I'll send you money
on payday, next week.

I know this must be
embarrassing for you,

but, actually, it couldn't
be a more timely lesson.

Yeah. Karl Malden's got a point.

Cash: Don't leave
home without it.

No. No, I'm speaking
about marriage.

The reason teenage marriages fail
so often is that kids aren't prepared.

Financially, emotionally
or any other way.

Bink, this may not be
the time... Trust me.

You see, this meal is the perfect
parallel to a teenage marriage, like yours.

You're hungry, and everything
looks good, so you dive right in.

Then comes the bill,
and you're not ready for it.

So you need someone
else to bail you out.

Hey, I said I'd get
you your money back.

Blair, how would you like to
join me in the ladies' room?

Uh, I really don't
have to right now.

Yeah, you have to right now.

Sure.

You wienie.

I thought you wanted to have dinner with
me and Eddie out of friendship, you phony.

What I did was out of
friendship, Jo. You matter to me.

You know what matters to me? That
you and your hit man, Bug, "bink" off.

Or Bink, bug off, or whatever.

Jo, I'm concerned
about your future.

I never told you this before, but
I think you have real potential...

even though you're
a basket case now.

Was there a compliment
in there somewhere?

But someday, after
you've finished at Eastland,

and graduated from
the right college,

you'll be ready
for a real marriage,

complete with floral arrangements
and Bobby Short at the piano,

and me as your maid of honor.

You deserve that.

Listen. I'm gonna finish high school
and college, whether I get married or not.

Sure, dream on.

You'll be too busy having babies
and trying to make ends meet.

That's the way it will
be with a guy like Eddie.

A guy like Eddie? I've been waiting
for her to start knocking Eddie.

Do you think the two of
you can live on his pay?

He's a sailor.

Yeah, but he's learning
electronics in the navy.

When he gets out,
he'll go into computers.

Without a high
school diploma? Huh!

The computers won't
give him the time of day.

Okay, Blair, you proved that
Eddie and I are two dumb kids,

in way over our heads with no
money, no education and no chance.

Exactly.

That's why it's gonna be even
sweeter when we make it work.

Make what work?

You know, tonight I was
gonna say no to Eddie.

But you helped me realize
that he's the only one I can trust.

And maybe we don't have anything
else, but we have each other.

And that's enough. Jo, wait!

[Clears Throat] Sorry.

I got married at . It was
the worst week of my life.

I often felt the neolithic
period in history...

Jo, would you
just wait a second?

Eddie, let's get
married right away.

Ah, great, honey.
You won't be sorry.

Jo, you can't.

Can't? Just watch us.

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪

♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get 'em right
Call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪♪