07x15 - Got My Mind Set on You

[bunniefuu]

Derek and danny:
(laughing)

No.
Just like that?

Yes.

Perino:
mr. Simpson's on leave

And since I'd normally
have a spare right now,

I'm all yours.
Fantastic, huh?

History class
isn't enough t*rture?

Perino:
all right.

Simpson's lesson:
"how-to" videos.

Groups of four.
Due thursday.

Go.

Darcy's reconnecting
with her parents this week.

So, partners?

We're only good enough
to work with

When your girlfriend's
gone?

You know it.
So, what's the topic?

"How to get girls."

Taught by the masters
of lady love,

The double d.

Peter:
(laughs) double d?

You guys named yourselves
after a bra cup?

Danny and derek:
you know it!

Man, if they taught
getting girls in school,

You guys would be in,
like, pre-k.

I bet neither of you can
even get past "hello"

With rachel over there.

Danny:
bet you our lunch money
we can.

Show me what you got,
afro-dorks.

Rachel!

As a lakehurst transplant,

You've missed
our secret moves.

Oh, the ones
only you know about?

What mi amigo
means to say is,

Welcome to the land
of love.

Let us be your
tour guides.

All kidding aside,

Would you like to join
our study group, rachel?

Sure, danny.

I'm derek.

Rachel:
whatever.
You're both cute.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Peter:
so, "how to get girls":

We need an introduction,
a demonstration,

And a conclusion.

Rachel:
"how to get girls?"

You're serious?

Okay, how do we not make it
totally lame?

We were just trying to think
of something funny,

Right, d?

Yeah, exactly.

You two are pretty tight, huh?

Brothers from different mothers.

Rachel:
okay, let's keep it simple.

Like, "how to buy gifts
for girls"?

Peter:
rachel, just being around girls
turns their brains to mush.

Rachel:
well, lucky they've got
the looks.

(School bell rings)

Dude,
she just hit on us.

Say something,
quick!

Uh, rachel?

Would you like to hang out
with us after school?

Sure.

(Hands slap together)

(Student chatter)
(unintelligible pa announcement)

Emma:
please, just skip jay-time,
for one day?

I can't be in here
alone.

Snake's suspension
is old news.

Yeah,
because it's so easy

To forget a sexual as*ault
accusation.

False accusation.

Darcy admitted it.

Okay?

So when's step-daddy
coming back?

Look, I'm just sayin',

I hate perino so much
that...

You know,
I kinda miss the guy.

Wandering hands and all.

Damian:
hey, hey, hey!
Step off.

Now!

Thanks.
You didn't have to...

When are people gonna
let it go?

I wish I knew.

You okay?

I'm better now.
Thanks.

Rachel:
four sodas, please.

I win... Again.

I can't believe she's actually
hanging out with us.

She's into one of you,
dorks.

I don't know
what's wrong with her,

But she is.

Just another case
of ll cool d:

Ladies love
cool danny.

(Sarcastic gasp)
dream on.

She's been eyeing me
like a fat guy

Eyes a rack of ribs.

Whatever.

Let's just swear
that no matter what,

No chick'll ever
come between us.

Double d forever.

Double d forever,
bro.

(Fountain water splashes)

(Mall chatter,
dance music plays)

Manager:
a school project?

And what's in it for me?

Derek:
well, our video's about
buying presents

For fine ladies like yourself.

Lotsa guys will be watching.

Guys with money.

Wednesday.

You have two hours
before close,

But I'll be watching
your homeboy

Over there.

Oh, yeah.

Mmm.

Homeboy?
What the hell was that?

Don't be paranoid.
It's probably just a joke.

If it's not,

Rachel's not gonna like
this place either.

Derek:
rachel's gonna be fine

Once I charm her
into this!

Oooh! (Laughs)

Don't you mean
charm her out of it?

You're such a loser.

Who just got the store?

I'm the closer, bro.

Mr. Simpson:
in the, uh, the halifax case,

The, uh, teacher was cleared,
but he didn't go back.

The union rep said
most teachers do return.

Emma:
people want you back, snake.

Even damian said.

Can you pick up jack
on wednesday?

Christine, it's hard
to get organized

When he's here.

Well, manny's coming over
on wednesday,

We can watch him.

Ah, you know students
aren't allowed here

Until this is settled.

So, can I go to her house
instead?

We're all meeting with
the union rep wednesday.

Great.

I'm treated like a prisoner
and I haven't done anything!

I know the feeling, emma.

(Students chatter)

Guys, check out my new toy.

It's brand new.

Check this out.

Derek:
hey, stoney, roll it.

I'm so smoove,

I'm about to make
rachel's day.

Daniel,
you paying attention?

Rachel, hey.
So, um...

I was thinking maybe...

You know,
me and you could uh...

Uh... Eat food?

Uh, maybe, like,
you know, uh...

Together or whatnot?

Uh... Derek,

How 'bout for now
we just...

Focus on the assignment?

Danny and peter:
(laughing)

Derek:
absolutely.

Yeah, no, brilliant.

Focus.
Focus.

(Heavy exhale)
yeah.

Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah.
I didn't say cut.

No-no-no-no.
Erase it, now.

Yeah, right.

(Irritated groan)

Hey.
What was all that about?

Just derek
trying to be funny.

So, when are you
gonna teach him?

To be funny?
Hey, I've tried!

Yeah, I know.

Do you wanna go out
tonight?

Like "out" out?

Yeah.

Okay.
That'd be cool.

Yeah. Yes.

Pa announcement:
could all tuba players
please report to the band room.

Please, mr. Bince,

If there is any way
I can do a make-up...

C-minus.
Should have prepped better.

Question six:

The "mole" is not a rodent.
It's a unit of measurement.

I know, I blanked.

Do the work, emma.
Marks add up.

Damian:
home's at school
and school's at home, huh?

Stuff with your stepdad

Takes the focus off chem,
I guess.

Chem is taking
a backseat

To "rules and procedures "
these days.

Damian:
check this out.

Heartbreaking work
of staggering genius.

Quite the endorsement.

That's the title.

By dave eggers;
he's my favourite author.

Wow.

You're the first guy
I've met

Who even has
a favourite author.

His life goes haywire
and he just... Deals.

I could learn a thing
or two from that.

The whole "dealing" thing

Is kind of escaping me
at the moment.

Call me later.

I'd love to hear
what you think of the book.

Okay?

Sick turtleneck,
franklin.

It's a dickey, dude.

How can you say dickey
with a straight face?

'Cause I'm not
five-years-old.

(Snorts)
look, whatever, dude.

Listen, we gotta give
rachel the boot.

What? Why?

She stabbed me,
in the heart.

Man, she didn't s*ab
anything.

Ever think, maybe,

You're not the one
that rachel was after?

I'm the closer, d.

I know, but... Still,

You should prepare...
Mentally,

In case.

In case what?

Is it peter?

'Cause it couldn't
be you...

Right, my brother?

(Approaching footsteps)

(Grunt of effort)

Is that a hickey,
dude?!

What, what,
you and rachel?

I'm the one, man.
I'm the one she likes.

What can I do?

Double d forever, huh?

Derek, come on.

You know what?

The only thing you're good at
is stealing

And you stole her
from me.

'Kay, she was mine!

You stole her from me.

(Heavy exhale)

Danny:
derek.

Derek, dude, quit it.
You can't just ignore me.

Perino:
(humming)
hey, guys.

Hey, mr. Perino,

I need to switch groups.

Can't work with these
sickitating lovebirds.

Well, sounds like
you've got a yoko.

Yoko ono.
She married john lennon?

People say she broke up
the beatles.

The beatles?

Ugh! Look it up.

And you can't switch, okay?

So "come together
right now."

(School bell rings)

Don't worry,
we can work it out.

We can work it out,
right?

After everything
we've been through?

Whatever.

It's not like
I have a choice.

Hey.

Dinner chez simpson
nelson tonight?

Never thought I'd miss
fake meat.

I can't.

The union lawyer says

The simpson half
can't be around students.

Wow, it's like you're
under house arrest.

It's not that bad.

Damian and I were
on the phone

Until midnight.

Did you know he volunteers
at an animal shelter?

His mom's allergic,
but he loves dogs.

Wow.

Late night phone call phase,
already?

(Low hum of chatter)

Okay, gangster,

This is done in ten
and then out.

Understand?

All right, guys,
we got ten minutes.

Roll it.

(Camera beeps on)

Okay.

Okay, step :

Pick out something
nice and cozy

Like a cami
or pj's.

(Scoffs)
dudes, let's get real.

Girls act like
they're all nice,

But really,
it's all just a lie.

So...

Get your girls
this instead,

Crotchless panties.

(Laughs)

Derek:
just like a girl's heart,

These crotchless panties
have a big hole in them.

Gross. Okay,

If a guy bought me that,
I'd dump his ass.

(Scoffs)

Can we maybe try it
with a pair of panties

That have more crotch?

Derek:
fine, as long as your girlfriend
isn't offended, right?

Peter:
guys, we're still rolling.

(Dogs barking)

Dog owners:
(chatter)

Damian:
told you. This is the perfect
chill-out spot.

You still working
on the book?

I'm staggered by
its genius.

Hmm. Clever.

It's so peaceful here,
I love it.

Yeah, me too.

Of course,

It may have something
to do with the company.

(Clears throat)

Not too pushy?

I don't want
to seem desperate.

I'm not complaining.

Eggers!

Eggers!

Okay, fine.
Rufus!

Come! Come!

Good dog.
Good dog.

You got a dog?

Yeah, I found him
on craigslist.

"Free to a good home."

I named him eggers.

I'm sure he'll get
used to it,

Right, eggers?

So, you just up and adopted him?

Well, it's better than going
to some awful lab experiment.

Maybe we can walk him
together.

It'll be like ours.

Whoa... Ours?

Emma,
you're a great girl,

But we just started
going out,

And now a dog?

Great.
I went too fast.

Girl, you went nascar.

(Eggers growls,
emma sighs)

Eggers!

(Dogs barking
in the distance)

(Heavy exhale)

Dude,

She likes him,
not you.

Just let it go.

Oof!

(Laughs)

You wanna make
the video funny?

Like really funny?

(Chuckles)
roll the camera.

Rachel:
okay, smell this.

(Camera beeps)

Welcome to "how to get back

At your backstabbing
best friend".

Step one:
take some slutty lingerie...

Rachel:
that's so cute.

Danny:
you like that one?

Step two:
sneak it into his bag.

Danny:
no, this is your
kinda store.

Step three:
his girlfriend finds it,

Thinks he's buying it
for her

And slaps him in the face
for being a total perv.

(Pops lips)
voila!

Sweet revenge.

Cut! Classic.

Too bad we can never
use that.

Derek and peter:
(laughs)

Hey, guys,

Eh, we're hitting
the dot.

We'll see you lovebirds
later.

Have fun!

Mr. Simpson:
this is like the inquisition!

I'm guilty until
proven innocent!

Sit, rufus eggers,
and don't bark, please.

Mr. Simpson:
'kay, but even
if I get cleared,

What about my reputation?

I mean, being accused
of sexual harassment

Doesn't just go away.

The union will help you
weather that storm

Once we get there.

We've heard
that could take months.

Not necessarily.

We can't guarantee anything,
but if you-

I'm home,
if anyone cares.

Mr. Simpson:
oh...

Better extremely late
than never.

I was just trying
and failing

To have a normal life.

I'm sorry.

Spike:
this is monica,

The lawyer from
the teacher's union.

Just here to uh...

Help get things
back to normal.

Normal.
Whatever that is.

Eggers:
(whines)

Is there a dog
in the house?

I got him,
but he's going back.

We'll both be
out of your way.

You're not alone in this,
emma.

Tell that to the people
who snicker behind my back,

Or to my friends that
aren't allowed to be here,

Or to the great guy
that I scared away

Because I am
out of my mind.

That's my new normal,
monica.

I'm sorry, em.
I really am.

Danny:
sorry about derek getting all up
in your kitchen like that;

He's just jealous.

Hey.

Can I buy you some soap
to cheer you up?

Let's just get out of here,
okay?

Ah, bu-bu-bu-bup.

Your bags,
open them.

You didn't search
the other guys.

Well, I had every reason
to trust them.

C'mon, let's see.

Oh.

Well, well, well.
What have we here?

I don't know
how it got there?

(Laughs) right.

You people always
have a scam.

Tell the police
your sob story,

Again, no doubt.

Phoebe, call security!

Danny:
run, now!

Derek:
(video playback)
just like a girl's heart,

These crotchless panties
have a big hole in them.

This film is rated nf,
not funny.

Should have filmed
rachel's reaction.

Now that's comedy.

(Hurried steps, panting)

I knew that lady
was a r*cist.

I was not gonna
stick around.

And face the cops?
I guess not.

Look, fyi, danny,

You don't have to steal
to impress me.

You think
I was gonna steal it?

I don't know,
I barely know you.

I'm not a thief,
okay?

Then why'd you run
like one?

I must've done it
'cause I'm black.

Oh, please,

Do not play the race card
with me.

I'm not doing anything
with you.

(Door chimes jingle)

(Door shuts)

Hey, where's your
little girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

She didn't like
her widdle gift?

You put that
in there?

Just wanted rachel to see
what a loser you are.

Guess it worked.

Did you think of what that
r*cist manager would do

When she found it?

Whoa, whoa, no.
Dude, it was just a joke.

Really, it was just a joke.

It's never a joke
when a black kid gets caught

With stuff in his bag.

Man, you just don't
get it.

(Camera beeps off)

Derek:
hey, d?!

(Sighs)

I finished.
Thanks.

Ahh.

How's the dog?
Your dog?

Well,
he's a family dog now.

Rufus-eggers and snake
really hit it off.

Cool.

The dog needs
a good home.

Yeah.

I guess I really need
my family, too.

I'll see you around,
damian.

Whoa! Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Eggers, dave.

He's got other books.

You know...

When a guy lends you
his favourite books,

Maybe it's because
he likes you?

So I haven't wrecked this?

You don't think I'm crazy?

Damian:
naw,

Just crazy enough.

It's a good book.

Johnny: (in video project)
and that's how separating
your recycling

Will save the world.

Hooray.

Perino:
god help us all.

Students:
(sporadic applause,
a few chuckles)

Perino:
fantastic.

All right,
who's next?

Group fuzzhead.

Peter:
ours didn't really
turn out.

Surprise, surprise.

Uh, actually,
I finished it last night.

(Dvd loads into player)

(Music begins to play)

Derek:
(in video project)
step one:

Get jealous
when your best friend

Gets the girl you like.

Uh, derek,

How 'bout for now
we just...

Focus on the assignment.

Derek:
uh, yeah. Totally.

Um, absolutely.
Focus.

Step two:

Try to get even
with some stupid prank.

Sneak it into his bag.

Step three:

Let your best friend
take the fall.

Derek:
it was a joke.

Danny:
it's never a joke
when a black kid gets caught

With stuff in his bag.

Man, you just don't get it.

Derek:
d?

With these easy steps,

You'll end up with
no project,

No girl,

And no best friend.

Thank you.

Real touching.

C-plus.

(School bell rings)

Hey!

I'm so sorry.

For what?
You invented racism?

No. You know,

For coming in between you
and danny like that.

But... I'm danny.

Gotcha.

Good one.

Derek:
hey-oh!

(Exhales)
come on, dude.

Looks like I got
her back for you.

That's not the point,
man.

You can't just sell me out
to some r*cist

The second you get mad,
or jealous.

I didn't even realize
it can happen, okay.

I swear.

So you were just being
a jackass?

Guess I gotta wake up
and smell the bigotry.

Yeah, no kidding.

C'mon, man,
what more do want?

Here.
Free shot. C'mon.

That's not good enough,
man.

(Heavy punch,
derek groans)

But it's a start.

(Relieved exhale)