02x02 - Quid Pro Quo

[bunniefuu]

Linda Ronstadt's
"You're No Good" playing...

[♪ ♪]

♪ Feeling better
now that we're through ♪

♪ Feeling better
'cause I'm over you ♪

♪ I learned my lesson,
it left a scar ♪

♪ Now I see
how you really are ♪

♪ You're no good,
you're no good ♪

♪ You're no good ♪

♪ Baby, you're no good ♪

♪ I'm gonna say it again ♪

♪ You're no good,
you're no good ♪

♪ You're no good ♪

♪ Baby, you're no good ♪

[♪ ♪]

♪ I broke apart ♪

[mumbling]
♪ I'm tellin' you true ♪

Is that the lyric?

♪ Someone like you ♪

I think so. Or it should be.

Whatever you said, I loved.

You know,
I actually have always thought

I'd be an excellent songwriter.

You would.
You really would. I mean...

♪ You're no good,
you're no good ♪

♪ You're no good ♪

♪ Baby, you're no good ♪

♪ I'm gonna say it again ♪

♪ You're no good,
you're no good ♪

♪ You're no good ♪

♪ Baby, you're no good ♪

So sorry
I keep having to pee.

I have a really small bladder.

I mean, I think.
I guess I don't know.

No, it's fine.

I love these big rest stops.

It's my favorite part
of being on the road.

[electronic bell dings]
[sniffs]

Yes.

Oh, this is great!

Ooh, ooh, you want some
unsalted sunflower seeds?

No. Do you?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

These are high in protein,

rich in vitamin B1,

and the only thing
in these kind of places

that isn't lard or sugar.

[laughs]

No. I'm cool... I'm cool, yeah.

I'm just gonna go to...
I'm gonna head...

I'm gonna find the, um...
You know, I'm gonna...

Yeah, I'll be back.

[lock clicks]

[phone ringing]

Oh, Jesus.

- Hello.
- Hey.

So that whole plan
about me staying away

from Deborah,
the opposite is happening.

We left Vegas last night,
and now I'm trapped

in a car with her,
and she's being nice.

Nice?

Jesus, that is
f*cking terrifying.

All right, look,
I finally got Janet Stone

to call me back, and she's
agreed to have lunch tomorrow.

So I'm gonna do
everything in my power

to make your stupid email
go away, okay?

Just sit tight.

Okay, when you have
an update, call me.

[sighs]

Hi.

I'm Daniel.

Hi, Daniel.

Hello.

[country music playing]

[♪ ♪]

Hm.

[ice clatters]

You're famous, right?

Apparently not.
[chuckles]

Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah.

You're the funny lady.

Oh, my God. Um...

- Deborah Vance. Hi.
- Yes!

I'm your biggest fan.

What the heck
are you doing here?

Well, actually,
I'm doing a drop-in set

at The Main
in Flagstaff tonight.

- Are you coming to see it?
- Oh, no.

I'm headed the other direction.

I'm going to help my brother
inseminate his horses.

Sounds like fun.

- Can I get a picture?
- Absolutely.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, God, not down there.
What are you, a sadist?

- There we go.
- Oh, okay.

[shutter clicks]

[♪ ♪]

Gas station sunglasses?

Don't be a snob.

It's not about the label.
It's about the fit.

See, now, like, I have

a classic heart-shaped face.

Perfect.

So I want to mimic that
with glasses

that are kind of wider
at the top

and a little bit narrower
at the bottom,

like...

mm, these.

Look.

- Okay, wow, yeah.
- Right?

Now, you, on the other hand,

have a more oval face.

Kind of like a Jordan almond.

So you need to contrast that
with something more angular.

Like, um...

oh, here, try these.

- Wow.
- Huh? Very cute.

Keep 'em. They're yours.
My treat.

Oh, that's nice...
You don't have to do that.

They're $4.99.

Okay, thank you.

You're welcome.

[Pastor T.L. Barrett's
"I Shall Wear a Crown"]

Classic.

[upbeat gospel music]

[♪ ♪]

You bought a reusable cup?

Yeah, well, you know,
it offsets my private jet.

♪ I shall wear a crown ♪

- ♪ I shall wear a crown ♪
- ♪ I shall wear a crown ♪

- Morning.
- Good morning, Jimmy.

Well, lucky you.

Last two assistants
got promoted off this desk.

Big whoop. Who cares?

Kayla, I think this is good
for both of us, you know?

[phone ringing]

You're giving me a migraine.

What?

I mean, Latitude.

Have a good day.

I won't.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Morning, Silas.

Good morning, Mr. LuSaque.

Oh, you can call me Jimmy.

Okay.

Perfect.

Good.

So I got you
a table for your lunch

with Janet Stone at Superba.

I read in "The Hollywood
Reporter's" Power Lunch List

that she loves
their Little Gem Caesar salad.

Kayla said
they were fully booked.

They are, but I bartered
with Michael's assistant

to get a standing reservation.

I have to cover his desk
for a couple days

next month,
but it's no problem.

Thank you so much.

Also, I heard a ding
on your end

when we were
on the phone this morning,

and so I called Audi
and they think

it's the check engine
indicator light.

So I've arranged
for them to come

pick it up here
tomorrow morning,

and it'll be done by EOD.

They can send a loaner,

or I'd be happy to drive you
to your lunch.

- You heard a ding?
- Yes.

- And then you called Audi?
- Yes.

You preemptively
called Audi for me?

- Yes.
- Oh, you know what?

I would love a ride.

I look forward to it...

Jimmy.

Okay.

[phone ringing]

[laughter]

Yeah, yeah.

Your own sister.

Sleeping with your husband.

Someone so close to you.

Someone you trust.

Betrayal is
the worst feeling in the world.

And I've woken up
during a colonoscopy.

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

[♪ ♪]

We bust our asses for 10%.

We should get 90
and give the clients 10.

Totally. Totally.

So like I was saying before,

that email
being used for the show

would be very bad
for both of my clients.

Come on.

You know how these things work.

It'll be months
before that show comes out,

and even then,
Deborah would have to see it

and think it's about her.
Don't worry.

I think she thinks
most things are about her.

Ha!

Look, I really wouldn't ask

if it wasn't really,
really important to me

and my mental
and physical health.

Mmm. Yum.

Jimmy, I like you.

All right,
I'll talk to Daisy and Jesse,

scare 'em
with some libel law sh*t.

I'll make sure
that it's not at all traceable

to Deborah or the kid.

Ah, thank you so much.

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

I really... I owe you big time.

My pleasure.

Oh, I just have water.
It's bad luck.

Come on.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

[chuckles]

Mmm.

[sighs]

I don't usually drink
at lunch,

but I finally closed
on my house this morning.

Oh, that's great.

I mean, the housing market
is insane in LA.

I've been looking
forever, actually.

I made one offer,
but the house turned out

to be a nightmare,
so I had to bail.

Oh, where was it?

The Oaks.

I'm in the Oaks.

Oh, yeah?

Wow.

What street?

Oh, sh**t. You know what?

There are so many streets
up there, right?

So many Oaks, so crissy-crossy.

Are you Essex Trust?

Nope. How's your salad?
Mine is good.

- Mine is really good.
- Oh, my God.

You're the f*cking mold guy

who pulled out
at the eleventh hour.

Hold on,
let me just explain.

I had to disclose
that f*cking inspection

to every buyer.
You made my house toxic!

Well, technically it was
because of the black mold.

I lost $1/2 million
on that house

because of you
being a little mold bitch!

Well, if I want
to have a family,

it wouldn't be safe
for the baby.

Think about the baby.

Think about it
from the baby's perspective.

You're not even married,
you freak!

I could do it on my own.

You know what?

I'm going to make sure
that they use

every single detail
from that email.

- No, please, no, Janet...
- Actually, why wait?

I'm sure the TMZ would love
to get their hands on it today.

Okay, look, I apologize.

- Oh, excuse me.
- I didn't know it was you.

I gotta get back
to the office.

- I got some calls to make.
- No, no, no, no.

You don't need to make
any calls.

Janet, I'll buy it.

I'll buy it.
I'll buy it for 500 over.

Whatever you...
Whatever the contract is now,

I'll be the backup offer.
Please, Janet.

I'm so sorry. Janet?

[onlookers gasp]

Move!

[mid-tempo music]

Bad. Bad.

[♪ ♪]

Want to get a coffee?

Try to fix
that free range chicken joke?

I mean, it did okay
last night, but...

No, no, we're going
to see my psychic.

That's the whole reason
we're in Sedona.

Wait, the one
who stole from you?

Oh, Zephyr? No.
God no, that son of a bitch.

Joke's on him, though.
He drowned.

How is that a joke?

I'm laughing.

[peaceful music playing]

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe
you walked in here today.

Look at this.
Look at this.

Look.

I just sold
my Cisco stock today,

and now you're here?

Is that wild, or is that wild?

By the way, my return?

- 258%.
- Yes.

Thank God
you told me to buy it.

- I'm psychic.
- Me too.

[laughs]

So what do you think
of crypto?

No, I like to stay
fad-free in my portfolio.

Are you into renewables?

Renewables.

Look, I gotta write
this sh*t down.

Here. Come on, come on.
Come in.

Uh, don't trip
over the extension cords.

Is this insider trading?

No.

But you've seen me
do that before.

Not great, Jimmy Jr.

Not great.

I know.

I tried to handle it myself,
obviously,

and I hate to bother you
with this.

It's just... I don't know.
I don't know what else to do.

You know,
Janet has been all over me

to attach one of my directors
to her client's movie.

Oh, yeah?

If he does,
it's a guaranteed green light.

Do you think
you could use that?

Come on.

This entire business
is built on quid pro quo.

If Janet wants my client...
Believe me, she does...

Then she will have to make
this email just...

[whistles]
Disappear.

Oh, Michael,
that would be incredible.

It would.

You know what else
is quid pro quo, Jimmy?

- Hmm?
- Mm...

Marriage.

Sure.

My wife, oy,
she's a worrier.

And she's worried sick
about Kayla.

Now, see, our little girl
hasn't been the same

since she was moved
off your desk.

And my wife loves her daughter.

She has been
nothing but an angel

since the day she was born.

- Really sweet...
- Mm-hmm.

Cool, cool person.

See, here's the issue.

My wife and I have
a trip planned to Mallorca.

Oh.

But worrying about Kayla

is affecting my wife's mood.

And the timing of that is bad

'cause, Jimmy, I want
a blow job in Mallorca.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

That sounds like
a great setting for that.

Yeah.

But...

that's not happening
if Kayla's upset.

So I help you
make an email disappear.

You help me
get my balls drained.

Well, ball.

You know, I'm a survivor.

Mm-hmm.

What do you say, Jimmy?

[phone ringing]

Jimmy LuSaque Jr.'s office.

[laughs]
I'm back.

[laughs]

Oh, well, you know how he is.
He's sensitive.

I love him, though.
All right.

All right, girlfriend,
I'll send you through.

Jimmy, your mom's on.

Jimmy!

Hey, Mom.

Um...

I'm having a bad day.

♪ You stay on my mind ♪

♪ Think about you
all the time ♪

♪ Got to get
to know you well ♪

No, Mom, no, I don't
really want to talk about it.

How are you?

Fascinating.

Ah, Death card.

My God.

Oh, it could mean death,

but it doesn't
literally just mean death.

It could mean rebirth.

A transformation
for the better.

That makes sense... I mean,
the show's totally new to me.

Whoomp, there it is.

Ah, the Ace of Pentacles.

Financial prosperity, baby.

[chuckles]

I see...

a new success on the QVC.

Mm, I doubt it.

I mean, I'm kind of
pulling back from that.

I'm not launching
anything new this year.

I'm just telling you
what I see.

[gasp]

[ominous music]

The Tower.

[♪ ♪]

What, this one is worse
than the Death card?

It's a cosmic wrecking ball.

Deborah...

a truth is about to be
revealed to you.

And it is disastrous.

Well, you could be
wrong, though, right?

'Cause, you know,
you were wrong

about the QVC thing, so...

Cards don't lie.

Seems like,
how could you know, though?

Did you shuffle good?

Would you stop it?

It's fine. It's better to know.

This way, I can,
you know, be on the lookout.

[clicks tongue]

Okay, red.

You ready for a reading?

Me? No. Me? No.

Me? No. No, I'm good.

I'm a science girl,
so I'm cool.

Come on,
at least let me snap

a pic of your aura real quick.

- On the house?
- Thank you. Not interested.

Oh, come on.
Have a little fun, would ya?

All right.

Ah. Don't worry.

Here we go.

[shutter clicks]
Gotcha.

Now I do, do-do,
do-do, do-do this

and I do this
and we put this in here.

[computer whirring]

[computer beeps]

Wow.

Pure blue.

Means you're honest and have
clarity in communication.

That's true.
This girl's honest to a fault.

She's always trying
to get me to be more honest,

which, honestly, is exhausting.

This morning, she told me
that she was a four

on the Bristol Stool Chart.

And trust me, I didn't ask.

Ugh, I'd k*ll to be a four.

I have trouble.

- Enjoy it while you're young.
- Mm.

Here you go,
Little Miss Honesty.

Let me see.

Wow.

It's a good aura.

- So if you're in renewables...
- Mm-hmm?

Does that mean
you're out on oil?

Oh, God no.
I'm always in oil.

Mm, these are pretty.

Good stocking stuffers.

Oh.

It says,
"Give to a loving friend".

Gonna get me one?

[chuckles]

[chimes ringing]

[sighs]

Um, Deborah,
I have to tell you something.

Oh, please,
if it's more about

the Bristol Stool Chart,
I've heard enough.

What I'm about to say
might upset you,

but I think it's better
for our relationship

if I tell you.

[sighs]
Okay, what is?

After our fight,

I got drunk and took Xanax

and I sent a very stupid email

to those show runners
that I met with in LA.

I said some...

unkind things about you

that I don't even believe
because I was hurt and angry,

and I'm sorry.

You did what?

I said some pretty
revealing stuff about you

that you probably
wouldn't want made public,

and I'm trying
to get them to not use it

in their show,
but I think that they are

because they...

They told me they are.

But it might not
even go to series.

Who's starring in it?

Um...

Helen Mirren.

Of course
it's going to series!

You ungrateful bitch!

- Oh!
- Deborah, I'm so sorry!

Oh, too late!

[yelling]

- Hey, calm down!
- Don't tell me to calm down!

[yelping]

You said
you wouldn't hit people!

I won't
if you move fast enough!

- Not the tourmaline!
- I'll buy what I break!

You...

[gong rings out]

[phone buzzing]

[sighs]

Hey.

Finally.

So I am officially

the manager of the century.

I took one for the team,
and the email's taken care of.

She's never gonna find out.

I just told her.

I'm sorry.
[chuckles]

It sounded like you said
you just told her.

I did.

Oh, my God, Ava.

Why? Why?

I know,
but even if I had known,

I had to be honest.

I hope you didn't go
through too much trouble.

Jimmy! Can I go?
I gotta go buy towels.

'Cause I need a new set.

I definitely did.

And I know
she's gonna fire me,

and you'll have
to drop me and...

[knock at door]

I'm really sorry,

for this and everything
I put you through.

Oh, God.

Well, listen, you know,
I just gotta say...

Um, Jimmy,
I gotta call you back.

Hungry?

I have good news, actually.

That, uh, email,
it's not gonna be used

in their new show.

Jimmy took care of it.

Can I get you gals
anything else?

Just the bill, please.

Separate checks.

Sure.

[clears throat]
Okay.

Read it to me.

Oh, no, no. Please don't...

I'm telling you
to read it to me.

The entire thing.

"Hey, y'all.

"Parentheses, trying not to use

"the gendered term
'you guys' anymore

"even though it honestly
sounds neutral to me,

"end parentheses.

"First of all, I'm so sorry

"about how our meeting ended
the other day.

"I f*cking suck
at first impressions.

"LOL.

"I just wanted
to follow up on our convo.

"I actually think Deborah Vance
is the perfect comp

for your horrible boss
character in 'Bitch PM.'"

Their show is about
a prime minister.

Who is a bitch.

Yeah, got that.

"Anyway,
here are some stories

"you could probably use
about someone

"who treats people like sh*t

"and has no remorse
about it at all.

"She once asked me
to perjure myself

"for her in traffic court.

"Most days, the first words
out of her mouth

"when she sees me are,
'Not flattering.'

"Once when I was having
an asthma att*ck,

"she said, 'Do you have
to do that in here?'

"She once refused
an employee maternity leave

"because she thought
the baby was ugly and said,

"'Why would she want
to be at home with that thing?'

"She has
a terrible relationship

"with her junkie daughter

"who sells photos of Deborah
to the tabloids

"looking like sh*t
because they sell better

"if she looks like she's dying.

"What's even sicker

"is that Deborah knows about it
and lets it happen.

"Their relationship
could be repaired

"if Deborah would just tell her
she's proud of her,

"but she won't even do that.

"Even though
she's clearly the reason

she's so f*cked up
in the first place."

Please don't make me
keep reading this.

"The truth is,
Deborah Vance is a bully.

"And the worst kind.

"One who thinks
she's the victim.

"Every person in her life
is on her payroll

"and would never be around her

"if their livelihoods
didn't depend on it.

"Myself included.

"It's her own fault
she's so lonely.

"Though she's too selfish
to ever admit it,

"I think that's why
she needs her adoring fans.

Because no one in her life
actually loves her."

Deborah, that's not true.

- I don't believe...
- Thanks, ladies.

Have a great night.

You can pay for mine.

[melancholy music]

[♪ ♪]

You know,
you're good at writing for me.

And I thought it was because
you understood me.

But it's because
you're just like me.

You're as selfish and cruel
as I am.

Hey, Barbara.

So I have some horrific news.

Kayla is back on my desk.

I really appreciate the idea,
but we can just drop

that whole
anger management thing.

Oof, I can't do that.

It's already in your file,

and once it's in your file,
it's in your file.

You can't take it
out of the file?

Physically, I can't
take it out of your file,

and if I tried to,
then that would go in my file.

Okay, but I don't have
anger issues.

It's only a 52-week course.



That's a whole year, Barbara.

It's actually
a little bit longer,

because they don't meet
the weeks of Christmas

and Hanukkah and Halloween.

They don't meet
the week of Halloween?

Yeah, Joyce,
the woman who runs it,

is really into Halloween,
and she throws a great party

every year, but you have
to come in costume.

Hold on, are you friends
with this person?

Not anymore,
because I came one year

not in costume
and she got really mad at me.

So the anger management
course woman got mad?

Well, you know, it's like,
those who can't do, teach.

This sounds like a 52-week
f*cking scam, Barbara.

Okay, calm down.

You know, I actually think

this course might be
good for you.

[scoffs]

Wow.

If I were you, I would go
to that Halloween party though.

She goes all out.

Just make sure
you go in costume,

and take it from me,
cat ears don't count.

Hi, can I get a cab
to the Safari Inn?

[horn honks]

Well, are you gonna
get in the car,

or are you just gonna
stand there staring?

Uh, cancel that, actually.

Sorry.

Oh, I got you a coffee.

Uh, thanks.

It's not poisoned.

Look...

I slept on it,
and I'm just gonna move on.

Let it go.

- Really?
- Yes.

I mean, you're a good writer,

and I need you on this tour.

If I held a grudge
against every person

who ever wronged me,
I'd have gray hair.

[laughs]

Thank you so much.

[Elton John's
"The Bitch Is Back" playing]

[upbeat '70s pop music]

And again, I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna be better.

I'm gonna stop doing sh*t
that makes me impulsive,

like drinking and taking pills,

and I'm gonna get a dumb phone

so I can't even use
social media or email anyone.

And I'm gonna get one
of those giant water bottles

and only consume water.

I promise I'm gonna
be better, Deborah.

Whatever you need to do.

Okay, great.

[sighs]

Thank you.

[phone buzzing]

Oh, I think
you should take it.

Oh, okay.

- Hey, Jimmy.
- Hey there.

So I regret to inform you

that Deborah is suing you
for violating your NDA.

Wait, what?
You're suing me?

Oh, I can't discuss
details of the case.

Is this real?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Thick document.

Real big.

What?

Haven't you ever
been in litigation before?

It'll be a good
learning experience for you.

Expensive one too.

[♪ ♪]

♪ I'm a bitch,
I'm a bitch ♪

♪ Oh, the bitch is back ♪

♪ Stone-cold sober,
as a matter of fact ♪

♪ I can bitch, I can bitch ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm better than you ♪

♪ It's the way that I move ♪

♪ The things that I do,
oh-oh-oh ♪

[♪ ♪]

♪ I entertain
by picking brains ♪

♪ Sell my soul
by dropping names ♪

♪ I don't like those,
my God, what's that? ♪

♪ Oh, it's full
of nasty habits ♪

♪ When the bitch gets back,
oh-oh-oh ♪

[♪ ♪]

♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch ♪

♪ Oh, the bitch is back ♪

♪ Stone-cold sober,
as a matter of fact ♪

♪ I can bitch, I can bitch ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm better than you ♪

♪ It's the way that I move ♪

♪ The things that I do,
oh-oh-oh ♪

[♪ ♪]