03x24 - Reality Bytes

[bunniefuu]

Specialty Tool Week
here on Tool Time.

We're doing our salute...

to salutes.

Tim.

Could we...? We
bet we could, fella.

We're doin' our salute to Binford's
new line of tools just for the ladies.

That's right. Like this: Binford's
lightweight Lady Binford drill.

It's % lighter, which
every woman likes in a tool.

As well as herself.

These tools are fine for home, but what
about a woman out on a formal affair?

For that, we recommend Binford's
Gal on the Go evening bag. Heidi?

(sophisticated music)

(audience) Whooh!

As you can see, sequins on
the outside, tools on the inside.

A broken heel? Not a problem.

You have a small
hammer with nails.

Problem zipper? Not a problem.

You have a set of pliers.

Unsightly nose
hair? Not a problem.

Needle nose pliers.

But let's face it, ladies, if
you have unsightly nose hair,

you're not invited out to
many formal affairs anyway.

Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, Tim.

What about the woman that's
not good with tools in general?

For that, we recommend
the Tool Man in a Tote.

One quick pull...

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

Hey, Randy, wanna
play some catch?

I can't. I'm doing my homework.

"Dear Molly..."

Hey, get out of here. I don't
want you reading my homework.

It doesn't look like
homework to me.

"When I think of kissing you,
my heart beats like a symphony."

It's for music class.

Oh, yeah? Then who's Molly?

That shows how much you know.

Molly is a musical instrument.

You know what I think?

I think you've got a new
girlfriend. Who is she?

Will you promise
not to tell anybody?

She's that ugly?

I don't know what
she looks like.

We've been sending love letters through
the Singles bulletin board on the computer.

So when are you gonna
meet her? Never. She's .

No way. Why would a
-year-old girl be interested in you?

Because she thinks I'm a
-year-old dermatologist.

And where did she get that idea?

That's what I told her.

I also told her I'm
' " and drive a Ferrari.

Hm. Wait till she finds out
you're ' " and pedal a Schwinn.

Well, that's the beauty of
this. She's never gonna find out.

She lives in St. Louis.

What's that?

It's one of Dad's old love
letters he wrote to Mom.

They go over really great.

"My darling, I wish you
had been here this weekend

"to share one of the most
exciting moments of my life:

Two-for-One Day at Sears."

Mom, do we have any
Styrofoam balls? No.

Just make him some
of your meatballs.

Very funny. Ha-ha-ha.

Sorry, Mark. The closest thing I've
got to Styrofoam are these rice cakes.

They have to be spheres. Sorry.

I'm making a solar system
for my science project.

Science project?

You know, I helped
Randy make that volcano.

He got a D.

Tim... I think that Mark is smart
enough to handle this project by himself.

Jill...

I think it'd be a lot more
fun if we did it together.

I don't want you taking it over.

There's nothing wrong with a father
helping his son with a science project.

My father helped me.

That was for the safety
of the neighborhood.

Mark is never gonna learn anything
if he doesn't do his own work.

That's right, Dad.
You stay out of this.

This is between
your mother and me.

Tim! OK. I'll just watch.

I'll guide him.

What have you got planned
for that solar system?

Well, the plan was to hang a
bunch of Styrofoam balls on wires.

You can't just
hang 'em on wires.

First, you gotta get the right
proportions for the planets.

Then the right distance from
the sun - that is perfect, there.

Dad, I thought you
were just gonna watch.

I am. I'm just tellin'
you what I wanna see.

Mark, here's the Styrofoam
balls for the planets.

Dad, there's not that many
planets. Sure there are.

Neptune, Jupiter, Saturn,
Mars, Venus, Earth,

Mercury, Ford, Chevy, Volvo...

Yugo? That planet was destroyed.

I guess I'm ready to paint
the planets. This is real tricky.

Make sure the pigment's evenly
distributed over the surface of the...

Evenly.

All right. But, you know...

All right. Good.

It's your project. You
move on to something

more important and
I'll try to even this out.

What should I do? Bend
the wires for the orbits.

OK.

Straight. Straighten it out.

Straight.

You got...

Here. Now.

You don't wanna waste time
with this. What should I do?

You wanna monitor the air
exiting the surface of the paint.

What does that mean?
Watch the paint dry.

(doorbell) I'll get it.
Don't touch anything.

(doorbell) I'll get it!

Hi! Hi.

I'm Molly. Good golly.

(laughs)

This is Molly.

And who are you?
I'm Tim's wife, Jill.

Who's Tim? The man
you're holding hands with.

Oh! I'm sorry. I thought
you were Randy.

We've a -year-old
boy named Randy. ?

The Randy Taylor I've been corresponding
with over the computer is a dermatologist.

Honey, has Randy been skipping the sixth
grade and going to medical school again?

Are you sure you
have the right house?

Yes. I even sent him
software at this address.

Um, why don't you come in? I think
I may know what's going on here.

Um, what else did this Randy
Taylor tell you about himself?

Just that he has two
annoying brothers,

his mother can't cook,

and he has an
accident-prone father.

I'm glad I'm not in that family.

Tim, we are that family.

Except for that cooking thing.

Oh, I can't believe I have been
corresponding with a -year-old.

Well, he's very mature for his
age. Yeah! You're not kidding!

His letters were very
romantic. And funny.

The only really strange thing
was his obsession with Sears.

There's nothing wrong with that.

You know, he said my wit was
"as sharp as a radial arm saw,"

and he compared the
glow of the moon to...

The headlights of a
Buick Roadmaster convertible?

How did you know that?
Tim wrote that to me in a letter.

I did?

That's good!

Randy's been copying
your old love letters!

Oh, Molly, I am so sorry.

Nah, it's OK. I was in
town on business anyway.

Besides, he's just a kid. I
wouldn't be too hard on him.

Well, you're not us.

We're parents.

When our kids play doctor,
we nail 'em for malpractice.

Brad, get in here.

I got a new message
from Molly in my mailbox.

What's it say?

"My darling Randy,

"I'm leaving on a business
trip in a few minutes

"and I'll be in
Detroit tomorrow.

I thought I'd stop by
your house at about : ."

Uh-oh.

"I can't believe we're finally
gonna meet. Love, Molly.

P.S. I also got a huge growth
I want you to look at." Ugh!

Randy, you've gotta write her
back and stop her from coming.

It's too late.
She's already left.

Then you better learn how
to remove a growth real quick.

Oh, man, I am in big
trouble. What am I gonna do?

All right. How about this?

Molly's never seen what you
look like, so when she gets here,

tell her Randy Taylor moved
out and we're the new owners.

OK, OK. That's pretty good.

But what if Mom and Dad
get to the door before I do?

Then you don't have anything to
worry about 'cause you'll be dead.

Hey, Mom. Are you and Dad gonna
be here tomorrow, say, around : ?

Dad's gonna be at the office,

and I was thinking
about going shopping.

They're having a sale
at a boutique I love.

Great. Fantastic.
Best thing you can do.

Although... I don't know.
I may just stay home.

Sales are really a
big pain in the butt.

All these women elbowing each other out
of the way just to save cents on a bra.

Well, you know, you
should go shopping.

You could use a new bra.

Really? How would you know that?

Dad told me.

He also told me that the last time
you bought a bra, it didn't look too good.

So you should take your
time and try 'em all on.

I really don't think your father should
be talking about stuff like that with you.

Well, you know, he
seemed pretty disturbed by it.

But I guarantee you, if you find the
right bra, the problem will be solved.

Good luck, Mom.

Well, I finished
paintin' my sun.

Mark, Randy or Brad?

Oooh, funny, Wilson, funny.

I just hope you get a better
grade on Mark's solar system

than you did on Randy's volcano.

Mark's been helpin' a lot.

See this perfectly
bent rod here?

Mark bent that?

No, I bent it, but
he handed it to me.

You know, Tim, I'm reminded
of an ancient Chinese proverb:

"Give a man a fish and
you feed him for a day;

teach a man how to fish and
you feed him for a lifetime."

If I let Mark do this himself, he's
gonna learn more than if I finish it.

Very good, Tim.

But Chinese proverbs aren't
gonna win any science fairs.

If I let Mark do it all himself, there'd be
no craftsmanship, no attention to detail.

He's the son of "The Tool
Man." What would people say?

About Mark, or about you?

I get it, I get it.

But there's one thing
- if I let Mark do it all,

I won't get to glue anything.

Dad? I'm going over
to Bobby's house.

Call me when I've
finished my science project.

Not so fast. Not so fast.
This is your science project.

You're gonna do
some of the work here.

It's like that old
Chinese proverb.

You can teach a
young fish to dance, but

once it gets old, it
sticks with you forever.

It's Specialty Tool
Week here on Tool Time.

We'll show you tools you won't necessarily
find in your neighborhood hardware store.

These tools you might have
to go to outer space to find.

To tell us about them, the men responsible
for fixing the Hubble Space Telescope

are in Detroit to judge the science
fair at the Detroit Science Center.

Give a big welcome
to the astronauts,

the crew of the
Endeavour space shuttle!

(cheering and whistling)

I understood there was
a woman on the crew.

That's right, Tim.
Kathy Thornton.

But someone had to stay back
at NASA and do all the hard work.

Let's meet Mission Commander
d*ck Covey. How you doin', sir?

(applause)

d*ck supervised the entire servicing
of the Hubble Space Telescope.

What's it like working
with tools in outer space?

Well, Tim, it's a lot like
using tools here on Earth,

except there's no
gravity, so you don't have

to worry about droppin'
a tool on your foot.

Sounds like the perfect
working environment for you, Tim.

He's very funny. Yeah.
A regular astro-nut.

Tim, it's pronounced astro-naut.

Yeah, I know that.
It was a little joke.

Oh, sorry. I had no idea.

This is Ken Bowersox.

He is a Navy man, just like me,

and his friends here
nicknamed him Sox.

I suppose you got that nickname because
up in space you never change your socks?

Hoo, boy!

No, Tim, they call me that
because my last name is Bower sox.

They could call you Bower.

They don't.

Payload Commander Story
Musgrave. Story, what's the story?

Like I haven't heard
that one a million times.

I hear you're a big fan
of the show. Yes, I am.

But not as big a fan as my
fellow spacewalker, Jeff Hoffman.

Hi, Jeff. How you
doin'? Hey, Tim.

Yeah, I have lots of friends and family out
here, and we think you are the greatest.

Safe to see who my
favorite astronaut is.

You know, on one of our
spacewalks on the Hubble mission,

we all let out a big
Tim Taylor grunt.

(gruffly) No! (gruffly) Yes!

I brought a tape. You
guys wanna see the tape?

Yeah!

Heidi, the monitor,
please. Here you are, Tim.

Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.

All right, folks. The
first grunt in space.

Here it comes. Think
we could rewire it?

(all grunt like Tim)

That sounds like a good idea.

(cheering and whistling)

You might say...

one small (grunt) for man

one big (three
grunts) for mankind.

(all grunt)

Next we have Flight
Engineer Claude Nicollier.

He's all the way
here from Switzerland

and was one of two
astronomers on the crew.

Claude, my son is doing a
science-fair project right now.

Any advice for him?

Well, sun in the
middle... Right.

Nine planets... Uh-huh.

But don't let your
father help you.

All right. But last, surely not
least, we have Tom Akers.

He was the Hubble
tool specialist.

I brought some of the tools we used to
work on the Hubble Space Telescope.

Cool!

Wow. Tools from space.

What I wouldn't give to have
one of these on my shop wall.

That's a three-eighths-inch
drive McTether ratchet.

They use this for playing
McTether ball out there.

And next we have a... Hey, where's my
power tool with the adjustable extension?

You guys probably
forgot to bring it.

No, I saw you working
with it earlier, Tim.

I wasn't working with it
earlier. Yes, you were.

Tim, is this what you're
looking for? Oh, that! That's it?

Heidi, where'd you find that?
Doesn't matter where. She found it.

It was in Tim's locker.

(high-pitched)
Well, I... See, I...

(normal) I was
gonna bring it back.

It was just... I thought...

Whooh!

Taylor, we're gonna
need this back too.

How did that get in there?

We'll be right back after
these messages from Binford.

(doorbell)

Hi. Hi. Can I help you?

I'm looking for Randy Taylor.

There's no Randy Taylor here.

And who are you?

A kid.

That's strange.
Dr. Taylor's gotta be here.

I just sent him
something to this address.

Uh... He moved out yesterday
and we moved in today. Bye.

I don't see any moving boxes.

Well, uh... we're a circus
family. We unpack fast.

Did Dr. Taylor leave
a forwarding address?

Uh... no, but he mentioned
joining the Peace Corps in China.

That seems very strange.

Not really. They're having a
big acne epidemic in Beijing.

Hi, Randy. I'm back.

Randy? She means Andy. I'm Andy.

Hi. Who is this?
I'm Molly Lauden.

I was looking for Randy
Taylor. This is Randy Taylor.

Randy, Andy, Candy,
Sandy. I answer to anything.

This is really weird, because I have been
getting love letters from a Randy Taylor,

but he's much older than you.

He says he loves me almost as
much as his cast-iron scroll saw.

Wait a minute.

Cast-iron scroll saw? Mm-hm.

Well, I think I know
what's going on here.

You do?

My husband always used to
write about a cast-iron scroll saw

in all of his love
letters to me.

He must be writing you love letters
and then just signing our son's name.

He never told me
that he was married.

But it doesn't matter because
I love him and he loves me.

I should've seen this coming
when he started hating my bras!

Mom, you don't
understand. Hi, honey.

Don't "Hi, honey" me,
you two-timing tool twit!

What'd I do?

You don't have to play dumb.
Your wife knows all about us. "Us"?

Take your tools and move
in with Molly. No, Mom...

Who's Molly? I am!

Now kiss me like you said
you would in your letter.

I don't know what I
said, but what the heck!

Dad, stop! Don't kiss her!
Mind your own business.

Look, I'm the one
who wrote the letter.

I used your old love letters.

I was just trying
to have a little fun.

Are you having a little
fun now? Not particularly.

The jig's up, Dr. Taylor.

You guys set me up!

You knew about this all along.

That's right, doc.

I can't believe I was
outsmarted by my parents.

Mark, how'd the science
project go? Great. I got an A.

Congratulations!

Did you get to use the
modification you put in?

My teacher wouldn't let me. She
thought it was your idea. What?!

Hi-de-ho, neighbors. Oh, Mark!
That is quite a solar system!

Thank you. You ought to
see the super-orbital part of it.

He used one of my
little motors. Show him.

Oh, that is very impressive.

Wait a minute. You haven't
seen warp speed yet. Try that one.

Uh-oh.

Chip off the old block. (grunts)

We would like to present to the
cast and crew of Home Improvement

a flag and a patch
and some pictures.

The flag and patch flew with us on our
mission to the Hubble Space Telescope.

It's traveled about
four million miles and...

Lots of power. Yeah.
Tim, if you could step up...

(cheering and applause)