03x23 - What You See is What You Get

[bunniefuu]

Fuses in, wired up.

I'm gonna try the horn.
Cover your ears, Mark.

Aah!

Dad, the horn is blinding me!

Just a crossed wire, son.

That's what it's gonna
say on your tombstone -

"It was just a crossed wire."

We've gotta get in
the kitchen and start

making those cupcakes
for the school carnival.

Honey, there's one thing you should
know about men - We don't make cupcakes.

Come on, you promised
me that you'd help me.

Another thing you should
know about men - We lie.

Tim, I have thousands
of those things to make.

I can't believe you're not gonna
pitch in and help with this carnival.

I did pitch in.

Don't forget about my
"Stump The Tool Man" booth.

How could I forget?

Last year, you kept getting
stumped by that -year-old.

Did you get the cardboard
cutouts for the photo booth?

Yeah, right over here.

This is for the men...

(imitates Arnold
Schwarzenegger) Maria! Maria!

I can't itch my own back!

And for the women...

(Jill laughs)

Hi. It's lovely, Tim.

Her thumb is on the wrong side of
her right hand, and she has no left arm.

I didn't even notice
that she had any arms.

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

Gotcha! Gotcha
again! Gotcha back!

What are you guys doing?

We're doing our taxes.
What's it look like?

I got winner.

I was here first.
I've got winner.

No way we're
playing you. You stink.

You stink even worse than Dad.

Hey, a little respect.
I stink the most.

I've seen Mark play.
He could b*at you guys.

No way. Gotcha!

Gotcha! How
about a little wager?

If Mark beats the winner,
you both clean the basement.

If you can b*at him, the
movies all afternoon on me.

(computer) k*ll!

Well?

I accept the
challenge. Have a seat.

One game, winner take all?

You guys got your jockstraps on?

All right, here we go.

One, two, three, go!

Go, go. What are you doing?

Ha-ha!

(computer) k*ll! I win!

When you guys are down
there cleaning that basement,

don't touch those hot-rod
magazines. That's your inheritance.

How could you let him b*at you?

I was overconfident.
I'm used to playing Dad.

Hi, sweetie. Hi, Mom.

Hi, Jill. Hi.

I just heard the most
depressing story.

I suppose you're gonna
share it with me? Yes, I am.

I've been researching that
article on plastic surgery.

I just interviewed a woman who
bought herself a whole new body

because her husband left
her for a younger woman.

They were married
years, had four kids.

She made a big mistake.

I'm glad you feel that way.

Had she had this surgery some time
ago, she could have saved the marriage.

You've come a long way, Tim.

Listen, Jill... after years
of marriage and all those kids,

women tend to let
themselves go, spread out.

Most men aren't
as forgiving as I am.

Excuse me. Did you say that you
have forgiven me for letting myself go?

No, that's not what I said.

That is exactly what you said.

Well, I didn't mean that.

What did you mean?

I... I mean...

those Tigers have a sh*t at the
pennant with good pitching this year.

Does everybody
know what time it is?

(all) Tool Time!

That's right. Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!

Thank you, Heidi, and
welcome to Tool Time.

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you all know my assistant
- Al "Table For One" Borland.

Need I remind you that I
now have a significant other?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's Al
"Table For Two" Borland.

But if his mom's dining with him,
it's Al "Table For Seven" Borland.

"Al, where's the
salad bar?" (moos)

We're gonna show you
how to refinish a table today,

and we'll show you the steps
necessary using these three tables,

all of which we bought
for $ at a garage sale.

Actually, I bought them, and
you haven't reimbursed me yet.

Before we refinish, let's decide
what kind of wood we're dealing with.

A simple pat underneath will tell
you if you're dealing with raw wood or -

eww - old chewing gum.

Al can actually
determine what flavor it is

just by tasting it. Take a try.

I don't think so, Tim.

Now, the underside of
this table has been painted,

so, Marv, if you wanna
come down here...

We're gonna chip away a
little bit of the paint there,

find out what
we're dealing with.

It's maple, one of my
favorite types of wood.

Yeah, and syrup. Ha-ha-ha.

All right, so next step after
you've identified the type of wood

is, uh, stripping the wood.

Now, obviously,
we've stripped this side.

We used Insta-Strip by Binford.

After you finish stripping,
acknowledge your applause,

gather up your clothes
and head back to your trailer.

All right, now we're
ready for sanding.

In this case, you wanna use
Binford's palm sander.

If you don't own a palm sander,

use a sanding attachment
to any Binford drill.

Don't use an attachment
on fine furniture

because it will leave
unsightly swirl marks.

Says who? Everybody.

And you listen to
what everybody says?

Unless it's you.

I'll show you, Al.
I'll prove it to you.

Heidi, my super-sander, please.

Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.

Thank you.

Before you sand this table,
will you reimburse me?

It's stuck in the
middle! Move it around!

Don't leave it in one
spot! You'll wreck it!

How do you know?

Now all we need is a square peg.

Al, hop in!

Whoa!

Check out this babe on
Dad's hot-rod magazine.

Whoa. One question.

Who works on a car in
a bikini and high heels?

I do. Oh!

Unless I'm working
under the car.

Then I go with a
halter top and flats.

You're supposed to be working on the
basement, not gawking at my car magazines.

Dad, we've been working all
morning. We needed a babe break.

Don't call her that.
She's got a name.

Ohh...

That's Miss Dual Exhaust .

Get back to work, guys.
Let me do the gawking.

Well, you're allowed to
gawk, aren't you, Dad?

I don't gawk. I've got all the
babe I need right upstairs.

Does Mom know about her?

All right, wise guy, come
here and look at these.

Who's that?

Whoa!

She's a babe!

She's your mom!

I just called my mom a babe.

Who's the good-looking
guy next to her in this picture?

That would be... not me.

There's a lot of "not
you's" in this box, Dad.

The important thing is,
I'm with her now, beanhead.

Why would Mom pick you out
of all these good-looking guys?

I was good-looking
as these guys once.

You had to be better
looking than that geek.

I'd say that geek's pretty
good-looking, actually.

The geek is Dad.

This is what Tim
picked for the carnival.

It figures. That's
what all men want.

Oh, no, not Al.

Al too. Last time we
went miniature golfing,

there was a woman ahead of
us wearing a skin-tight T-shirt.

It's the only time I've ever
seen Al go over par.

I'm so disillusioned.

All right, let me try.

I bet you those
aren't even real.

They're a lot more real than
some I've been seeing lately.

Excuse me?

I'm doing research for that
article on plastic surgery.

I even have this computer
program that shows you

how you can change your
appearance. You gotta see this.

You can change your lips, your
butt, your thighs, your waist, anything.

Here, let me... Yeah, well...

OK, watch this.

That's amazing.

Now watch this. If you press B,

your breasts just get
bigger and more torpedo-like.

Ew, isn't that gross?

Wow! What?

Wow!

Are you saying you think
I'd look good like that?

No. It was a general wow.

General wow?

The famous Chinese
m*llitary guy - General Wow...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You saw that picture of me

and said "Wow" with
your tongue hanging out.

I did not. You can't say "Wow"
with your tongue hanging out...

Wuhhhow.

I guess this'd be a good time
for me to be going. Bye, Tim.

Bye-bye. See you later.

Thank you so much for
helping me with all the cupcakes.

Yeah, I love cupcakes.
Big, ample cupcakes.

Jill, you gotta see this.

Now I know why they call it
"the boob tube." Look at this.

Tim, what are you doing?

I'm just playing
around with the thing.

They look like hot-air balloons.

You could travel around
the world with those.

Look out, honey,
they're gonna blow!

Could you be any more obnoxious?

Is that a request? I'm
just playing with the thing.

Tim, there are women
whose self-esteem is so low,

they're actually doing
this to their bodies.

That is horrible. Sorry.

Now, how would I make
your butt a little smaller?

Maybe I'll just sleep
down here tonight.

You're done with your research.
Why is the computer hooked up?

Come over here. I want
you to see something.

Hey, there's a good-looking guy.

Here.

Take this keyboard and show
me what you think is my ideal Tim.

Sounds like fun.
What do I gotta do?

You hit D for
delts, B for biceps,

W for waist, P for pecs.

Are you sure P is for pecs?

Just press the P.

There we go. "The Timinator."

You are so far off.

Let me show you my ideal Tim.

That's it?

Yeah.

Tim... it's you
that I find sexy.

And whatever changes
that you go through,

I'm gonna find those sexy, too.

Even if you look like this.

Yikes. Or this.

OK, I've told you how I feel.
I wanna know how you feel.

Do you want me
the way I look now,

or would you like me
to get my tummy tucked,

my face lifted and
breasts enlarged?

The way you are now.

Thank you.

Hey.

Just out of curiosity...

what would the other version cost
us, the whole package, out the door?

Maybe I should
just live down here.

(sniffs) Something
burning out here, Wilson?

No need to be alarmed, Tim.

I'm just smoking a fish.

Regular or menthol?

No, no, Tim. I'm curing
an Alaskan salmon.

My only concern is
what wine to have it with.

Love to help you, but I
got a concern of my own.

It started with me turning Jill's
breasts into hot-air balloons

and getting kind
of excited about it.

I think you've finally
found a problem

that's out of my
realm of expertise.

No, you don't understand.

She had this computer simulation

that showed some cosmetic
surgeon's alterations to her body.

It reminded me of when she
was young, when I first met her.

I kinda liked it.

Then, like a bonehead, I asked what it
would cost to overhaul her whole body.

Whoa, major faux pas.

Major Faux Pas...

Was he in the same
campaign as General Wow?

Tim, I'm not familiar
with General Wow,

but your situation reminds
me of The Naked Ape.

(grunts)

That is the one exactly, Tim.

You see, The Naked Ape is a book
which theorizes that men, like apes,

are instinctively drawn to
younger, more fertile women

in order to propagate
the species.

What's Mrs. Naked
Ape attracted to?

Unlike the male of the species,

she instinct is be attracted to
someone older and more experienced.

Someone with more
wisdom, sensitivity.

Wait a minute.

What you're saying is if I explain
to Jill it was my instincts talking,

I'd be off the hook.

No, no, no, no, Tim.

What I'm trying to say is you have
to learn to understand your instincts,

and then you won't be on
the hook in the first place.

Oh, yeah, sure. That'd be good.

Yesterday, we told you how
to take an old b*at-up table

and turn it into fine furniture.

Unfortunately, Tim turned it
into less valuable sawdust.

Luckily, Al was able
to buy us a new table.

I did not buy this table.

But don't be too surprised

if it shows up on
your credit-card bill.

A lot of us have tables
like this around the house.

A little b*at-up,
scratches, stains all over it.

That's right. So
what you wanna do

is sand it down with
a normal-size sander.

Refinish it, you'll have
yourself a brand-new table.

I can't do this to this table.

It's all right, Tim. I'll do it.

No. I am surprised and
shocked that you're so superficial.

What? You're superficial!

Maybe on the surface.

Tool Time isn't just
about home improvement.

It's also about
male improvement.

You see, man, by nature,

is just a naked ape,
chain-smoking salmon.

Our instincts would be
to make this table new,

make it look new with
plastic filler in all the nicks.

What we should do is learn to appreciate
the natural beauty inherent in this wood,

and over the years, it's become
nothing but deeper, richer and warmer.

And more interesting.

What are you saying, Tim?

I'm saying this table
is perfect the way it is.

So our project today is to
stand here and stare at this table.

No. We could pour oil on it,

rub it affectionately and
show the table how we love it.

Rub with me, Al.

I think I got him cornered.

I think you're right.

Kiss this game goodbye.

Checkmate.

Goodbye.

The dustpan and
broom are in the closet,

and you know where the attic is.

Aw, man!

You guys keep losing to Mark, we'll
have this whole house cleaned up.

Dad, do you wanna play chess?

You do not wanna play
your old man in chess.

Why not?

Because I don't know
how to play chess.

Never mind. I'll go and
play with my computer.

OK.

Hi, Mom. Hi, sweetie.

Hi. Hi.

Did you watch Tool
Time today? No.

Too bad. We had a table
on that reminded me of you.

Why, was it big,
flat, old and dented?

Actually, it was quite lovely.

Its warmth and
color and character

made it even more beautiful
than when it was new.

Al wanted to refinish it,

but I really liked that
table just the way it was.

Oh, Tim... It's gorgeous.

Just like you. It
expands in the middle.

Not like you. It has extra
leaves, so if we have company...

Thank you.

You said you wanted
one for a long time.

No, I don't mean just
thank you for the table.

I mean, thank you for listening
and understanding what I was saying.

I had one of the computer guys
at work help me with that program.

Oh, no. Oh, come
on, come on. Sit down.

Let's see if I
remember. This is us...

That's us?

That's us in .

So we're, what,
-some years old?

years old.

That's why we're not movin'.

No matter how paunchy
or wrinkly we get,

we're still gonna be
together and love each other.

So I guess that just
proves that love is blind.

And there's good news.

Our -year-old kids
have finally left the house.

So we can just sit
around naked all day.

No, that is a pretty picture.

Two wrinkled-up old prunes
just lying around together.

Come on, make your move.

I'm working on it.

If chess is too hard for you,
you could go back to tick-tack-toe.

I'm thinking.

Dad, you've been
thinking for half an hour.

That's a record for your father.

Eat my dust.

Checkmate.

Dust my house.

We'll show you the process
on these other two tables

that we all bought for
$ at a garage sale.

Actually, I bought them, Tim.
You haven't re-bursed me yet.

If chess is too hard for you, you
could go back to tick-back-toe.