03x13 - Slip Sleddin' Away

[bunniefuu]

Today on Tool Time,

we're gonna talk about
a real American hero -

the supersize sausage...

(groans) submarine,

also known as
the SS Cholesterol.

I thought we were talking
about squeaky floors.

We are, we are.

And the obvious
connection would be?

Stick with me.

Let's say your wife has you

on one of those low-cal
mulch and grass diets,

but you got one
of these bad boys

hidden out in that camp
cooler in the garage.

So you wait till she drifts off to
sleep, snoring like a band saw.

You creep out to
the garage to get it,

but as soon as your feet
hit the floor, what happens?

(wood creaks)

She wakes up.

"Hey, leave that submarine
sandwich alone, you big tub of lard!

"Get back into bed!

You're gonna be eating nothing
but fiber for three months!"

And you doubted the connection.

I'm hating myself now.

The point is, today, how do you
get rid of that tattletale squeak?

First you have to determine if you
have a squeak... (metal squeaks)

a creak... (wood creaks)

or a groan... (Tim
moans with pleasure)

because each one of those
will require a different repair.

Right, Al.

Larry, you wanna
bring the camera in here.

Normally, a squeak is caused by
wood rubbing against a loose nail.

Now, if you have your
squeak between the joists,

what you wanna
do is add a bridge.

Right.

Now... older homes, like
older people, tend to groan.

That's because there's
a sag and weakening

between the beam and the joist.

"Oh, my aching beam.

I got such a pain in the
joist, you shouldn't know!"

Our older viewers
will wanna write Tim

at "Tool Time,
P.O. Box ..."

Now, if you have a creak -

which happens when two
boards rub against each other -

we have an old
carpenter's remedy.

Take an old squeezable ketchup
bottle, fill it with talcum powder.

You wanna direct the
talc between the boards,

give it a good healthy squeeze.

You know, I don't think
many people know,

but on weekends Al
does mime at the mall.

Look at these apples, Al.

What do you think? Should
we put the kids in the middle?

(♪ "Mary Had a Little
Lamb," out of tune)

Sorry, Dad. Ah, it's just
a toe. You're doing great.

No, I'm not. I think I should
just quit. I'm no good at this.

I'm no good at a lot of
things. Doesn't stop me.

I don't wanna hear anything
more about you quitting.

Good news - I think
he's gonna quit.

He can't quit. He's only
been doing it three weeks.

Besides, I really think
he's getting better.

Better? He sounds
like Al's mom at a luau.

(imitates woman singing badly)

Tim, he begged us for
those saxophone lessons.

I'm trying to teach - Excuse me.

I'm trying to teach him to stick
with something, follow it through.

You don't want him
to be a quitter, do you?

Quitting would be a bad thing.

(Brad plays flat note)

But being a quitter's parents
- we could live with that.

It's always bad
in the beginning.

You think Mozart's parents
enjoyed listening to him practice?

Great example. They
named their kid Wolfman.

Wolfgang.

So, a group of wolves.
What's the difference?

I really stink at this. No, you
don't. You just got started.

It'll take you a
couple of months

to figure out whether
you stink or not.

Whoa. You're all wet.

Good work, Sherlock.

What happened?

Paul and Vinnie McGurn stuck
me upside down in a snowbank.

I hate those guys.

I thought we told you to
stay away from the McGurns.

They're big, ugly and stupid.
That's a lethal combination.

I had no choice.

Vinnie challenged
me to a sled race.

So you b*at the guy and he
dumped you in a snowbank?

That's typical of those guys.

No, they b*at me, and this was
part of their victory celebration.

I hate those guys.

I swear, this time I'm
gonna get 'em back.

I hate those guys!

We know, Brad.

I'm just gonna walk up to
Vinnie and start swinging.

No, Randy, don't be stupid.
Don't try to fight Vinnie.

For once, Brad's
right. Listen to him.

Get someone else
to b*at up Vinnie.

There's this one boy in
my class, his name's Troy.

For a quarter, he'll
punch himself in the face.

(laughs)

I've always told you guys,
fists don't accomplish anything.

You can get Vinnie McGurn
back at his own game.

What are you talking about?

Challenge him to another race.

Dad, there's no way
I can b*at Vinnie.

He has that new sled - the
b*llet-nosed downhill racer.

But you got The Tool Man.

I think we can turn this old
jalopy into a speed demon.

It's light, it's got
a classic design.

Maybe put a spoiler on
the front of that for airflow.

I'll take the burrs off these
runners, sand this thing down,

bevel the edge,
put a shine on there.

This'll be smoother than
butter on a baby's butt.

Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr.

I hate those guys.

Let it go, will
ya? Just let it go.

Mark, go get your shoes on.
I'm taking you for a haircut.

Mom, I don't need a haircut.

Oh, please. I could turn you upside
down and mop the floor with you.

Besides, the barber is right
next to Brad's saxophone teacher.

I can get you a trim while
he's having his lesson.

You just wanna get
out of hearing Brad play.

I never said that, and if it
gets around, I never said that.

Brad, where's your saxophone?

You have a lesson in minutes.

Mom, why do I have to keep
taking these stupid lessons?

Brad, sit down.

Is this gonna be
another one of those

"When I was a
little girl" stories?

No. Will you just listen?

When I was a little
person about your age...

I had to take flute
lessons for five years,

and it wasn't always fun,

but I was really
glad that I stuck to it.

Why? It's not like you
ever play the flute now.

Well, that's true,

but I take great joy

in knowing that I
could if I wanted to.

Besides, if you
get really good at it,

we could have
mother/son jam sessions.

There's a dream come true.

(Mark) Mom, can't find my shoes!

I swear, if his head
wasn't attached, he'd...

Oh, no. I'm channeling
my mother again.

I'm coming!

(groans)

Hey, Randy, did you
test out the sled? Yeah.

Was Dad's spoiler cool?

Yeah. I was going so fast, I
think I missed my next birthday.

Dang, that's fast.

Ahh. What happened
to your wrist?

When I hit Dead Man's Curve,

my sled went one way
and my wrist went another -

right into a tree.

Ahh. Well, is the sled OK?

Yes. Thanks for caring.

Ahh.

Here comes Mom.

Don't tell her about my wrist.

She'll overreact.

OK, come on,
Brad. Randy, hi. Hi.

Listen, your dad's just pulling up
now. We'll be back before dinner.

Hi. Bye!

Boy, we lead fast-paced lives.

Hey, Randy. Hey, Dad.

What's the matter?

I had a little
run-in with a tree.

Who started it?

The tree. Hey.

Did your mom see this? No.

Ahh.

Can you bend it? Sort of.

All right, can you do this?

Yeah. Can you do this?

All right, smart guy, sit up
there, let me take a look at it.

Careful, careful.

Ooh.

Ow! Ooh. That hurts, huh?

No, I just have a condition that
makes me say "ow" every ten minutes.

I'm gonna run you down to the
emergency room get an x-ray for you,

write a note to Mom.

Dad, I don't need to go
to the emergency room.

(laughs) That's
what I usually tell Al.

Well, how does he get you to go?

I don't know. I'm usually
passed out by then.

(Tim) Don't worry. They'll
take real good care of you here.

Is this the emergency room
you come to all the time?

I don't come here all the time.

Hey, Tool Man. Hey, buddy.

Hi, Mr. Taylor. Hey, Tim.

Hey, Buzz. How are those
little girls...? Good. Real good.

Hey, Laurie.

You're better known
here than you are at Sears.

Mr. Taylor. And you walked
in under your own power.

Always a good sign.

Well, actually... You
know, I keep your file handy.

Actually... That's all you?

That's just this year.

It's not me today, Marge.
It's my little son Randy.

Well, how cute -
like father, like son.

What's doing, Randy?

He went off of his
sled and hit his wrist.

We'll take care of
that. You know the drill.

OK. Come on over
here and sit down.

(woman over PA) Dr. Smith,
report to the emergency room.

Dr. Smith, emergency room.

You doing all right? Yeah.

OK, let's fill this out quick.

Birthday is the th. th.

Eighth.

pounds on you. No, .

. All right.

Big brown eyes.

Big blue eyes.

OK.

Here you go, Tim.

Coffee just the way you
like it - cream and five sugars.

Thank you, Buzz.

Couple more sugars, they
gonna be calling you Buzz.

All right.

What's gonna happen now?

They're gonna run
you back to X-ray,

take a photograph of your wrist.

What if it's broken? Don't
worry about it. They're great here.

They'll set it in a cast, and you'll
be good as new in two months.

Two months? It
goes just like that.

I remember when I broke my
arm. I was younger than you.

Well, how'd you break it?

Well, the first time...

I was six or so, in the garage
looking at my little red wagon.

Arr-arr-arr-arr.

"That thing needs more
power." Arr-arr-arr-arr.

(chuckles)

I'm not sure Mom's
gonna be too happy

when she finds out
we souped up the sled.

Don't worry about it.
Do we have to tell her?

Yes, yes. You can't
lie to your mom.

I get two lies a year, and
I'm not wasting one on you.

Mr. Taylor, this way to x-ray.

Look who I'm telling!

You know, Marge,
it's kind of gratifying

to be here in the hospital
and not be a patient.

See ya, Tool Man.

Hey, buddy.

Well, maybe you can have
that feeling another day.

Medic! It's all right.

It's all right. Medic!

Whew. I'm home.

What happened at the
hospital? How's Randy's arm?

It's fine. Doctor
says it's sprained.

He'll be up and
at 'em, two days.

Oh, thank goodness. Where is he?

He's over at Jeremy's,
showing him my x-ray.

Your x-ray? I banged
my head down there.

Took an x-ray. Showed nothing.

Big surprise.

(mocking) "Big
surprise." Mm-hmm.

What are we eating? Pizza.

Will you set the table? Uh-huh.

So what happened to Randy?
The sled got away from him?

You know how they
are with those sleds.

It gets all icy, wind
catches the spoiler...

(whistles) Wait a minute.

Since when do
sleds have spoilers?

It's not uncommon.

I don't believe you. You
powered up the sled?

I tweaked it a little bit.

It's not like I put a
motor on it. Although...

Tim...

I just did it because
the McGurns' father

bought them this
downhill b*llet-nosed racer.

So what? So... Randy
challenged 'em to a race.

That was a stupid thing to do.

Not quite as stupid as what he
originally planned. Which was?

He was gonna hire some
kid that hits himself in the face

to fight Vinnie McGurn with him.

Troy?

I suggested a more
sensible alternative.

Oh, a sensible one,

like sending our son barreling
down a hill on a death machine

to win some stupid race?

You are so wrong.

This is a practice run.
The race isn't till Saturday.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. He was
challenged by Vinnie.

You said that Randy
challenged Vinnie.

Yeah, well, then Vinnie
challenged him back.

You just don't understand

the intricacies
of the male mind.

Explain it to me.
I've got a minute.

OK. Guy A challenges guy B.

If guy B accepts the challenge,

guy A is automatically
challenged by guy B

not to back down from the
challenge that A gave to guy B.

OK, let me explain to you
how a woman's mind works.

Guy A and guy B are both
idiots, and Randy is not racing.

Come on.

Sugarplum. Honeybuns.

There's nothing
wrong with two kids

having a nice race
down Dead Man's Curve.

Down what?

Fred Man's Curve.

It's gonna take your mom
about two minutes to find that.

Now, if you bury it, you
might have a sh*t at it.

Dad, I'm no good at
playing the saxophone.

You were great this morning
playing "Baa Baa Black Sheep."

Dad, that was "Mary
Had A Little Lamb."

Well, lamb, sheep
- it's all about wool.

Just try a little
harder, will ya?

(cat meowing)

Wilson, what are
you doing up there?

Well, Tim, I am trying to
get Mrs. Foley's cat Fluffy

out of that tree. Mm-mm-mm-mm.

(sighs) So how was
your day? Little frustrating.

I'm trying to explain to Jill the
meaning of the word "challenge."

I would think, living with you,

that she'd be an expert on that.

(mock laugh) No, I mean when
one man challenges another man.

She doesn't realize you
can't back down from that.

Aha. So Al is being
obstreperous at work again?

No, he took some
penicillin and cleared that up.

You know Vinnie
McGurn next door?

Yes indeed. He's the reason
that Fluffy's up in the tree.

Well, he and Randy
got themselves

into this sled race
challenge... Uh-huh.

And Jill doesn't
want him to do it.

She's afraid he
might hurt himself.

Well, Tim, Jill's reaction
is quite... quite natural.

It's common for the female of
the species to protect her young.

Well, I'm trying to
protect my young

from the Vinnie McGurns
of the world. Aha-ha.

So you are encouraging Randy

to act like the saiga antelope.

Yeah. Yeah, exac... What?

The saiga antelope. They
roam the Russian plains.

Any invader who
challenges the male's domain

is met with a fight.

Arr. Russia.

♪ Where the deer
and the antelope play

Unfortunately, the
males of the species

are so obsessed with running
back and forth and butting heads

that they barely ever eat,

so that when wintertime
comes they have no body fat.

They starve to death.

♪ And the sky is not
cloudy all day-ay, yah ♪

See, Tim, you can't
allow a challenge

to make you lose sight
of what is really important.

Hi. How's your hand? Fine, Mom.

What are you doing?

Working on my sled.

I wanna talk to you about that.

I don't think you should
do this race on Saturday.

Mom, I have to.

My wrist is gonna be fine.
Even the doctor said so.

I just think the combination of
that hill, that sled and your father

is too dangerous.

But Mom, I'm fixing my sled,

and Dad's gonna show
me what I did wrong.

I don't see why you have
to race Vinnie McGurn at all.

Because if I don't, he's gonna
think I'm afraid of him, and I'm not.

You should be afraid
of him. He's a scary guy.

Ha. No kidding.

At the father/son picnic,

he's the only kid that
was mistaken for his father.

Now, you see, that's funny.

Humor has always
been your best w*apon.

But Vinnie's too stupid
to understand my jokes.

In your life, you're gonna run up
against a million Vinnie McGurns.

Are you planning on racing
all of them? I don't know.

All I know is that I
have to race this one.

I have to fight back.

But it's not a fair fight. I'm
never gonna have a fair fight.

I'm the shortest kid
in my class! Honey...

And don't tell me my height
doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

It's what's inside that counts.

Don't sell yourself
short. Sorry.

Look, in case you
haven't noticed,

even my little brother
is the same size as me.

Randy...

everybody grows
at their own rate.

Mark just had a growth spurt.

I mean, you could
have one at any time.

Yeah, but probably not
by this weekend, huh?

No, probably not.

I'm gonna say something to you

that I thought that I would
never say to any of my kids.

What?

Kick some butt.

All right!

♪ Home, home on the... ♪

Hey, Tim?

Jill, we gotta talk. Yeah.

Um... Randy's situation

is a lot like the
psychic antelope

that pig out all summer long

and finally act like
buttheads to the Russians.

I was with you right up
to, "Jill, we have to talk."

What I'm saying...

What?

I don't think Randy has to
prove anything to Vinnie McGurn.

I don't think there's any reason
for him to race the kid over this.

Oh, I think he does have
to race him. (quizzical grunt)

Unfortunately, Randy feels that he
has to prove something to himself,

and we have to let him do this.

Now, I was wondering...

is there some way that you
can make the spoiler bigger

and bevel the edges more?

Are y... are you my wife? Yeah.

I read somewhere that if you heat
the runners up, it makes it go faster.

Is that true?
That's illegal, Jill.

What is this, the Olympics?

Have you ever noticed
that we agree on everything

but never at the same time?

Well, I have to admit that
this time you were right.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

(sighs)

(chuckles)

If I'm right, you would be...

Starts with "W."

Your wonderful wise wife.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

Ah. If someone isn't
right... Mm-hmm.

They're generally
referred to as "wr..."

Really open-minded
and big enough

to listen to other
people's opinions.

OK. No.

I'm looking for something
that rhymes with "song."

(laughs)

Right!

So long.

That was cool how you
b*at Vinnie in that race.

Yeah, did you see the way I
took that curve? It was perfect.

And I told you to race
him. Yeah, right, Mom.

Here you go.
(western playing on TV)

Hey, did you see how
mad Vinnie's father got

when Dad was doing
that victory dance?

I can't believe he
challenged him to the race.

I can't believe your father
accepted the challenge.

Oh, it's just a sprain.

Submarine sandwich,

also known as
the SS Cholesterol.

(imitates klaxon)

Dive! Dive! Dive!

(whistles)

(mutters)

Any invader who tries to challenge
the male's domain is met with a fight.

Can't remember that
song all of a sudden.

It's... Lucille.

I can't believe he
challenged Dad to the race.

I can't believe your father
accepted the challenge.

Oh, it's just a sprain.

I'll get that guy in a
rematch, I'll tell you that.

All right, once more.
One more time.