07x05 - Who Am I?

[bunniefuu]

- Well,
debra's not here right now.

May I take a message?

Cindy?

All right.

All right, dear.

Well, no,
debra went out tonight.

And raymond did too.

Although they went
to different places

On a saturday night.

Do you think that seems odd?

I mean,
it seems odd to me.

I mean, do you and your husband
go to different places?

You're not?

Oh, well, I have
another son, robbie.

Oh, I'll tell him
you called.

All right, dear.
Bye-bye.

- Hi, marie.
Who was that?

- That's for robbie.

So how was your night?

- Oh, it was just
a great lecture.

I learned so much
about the amazon.

Linda's cousin
wrote this book,

And he's
a terrific speaker.

How were the kids?

- Oh, they're fine.

They don't know.

- Know what?

- About you and raymond going
your separate ways tonight.

- Oh, no, marie,
it's no big deal.

Ray didn't want to come
to the bookstore,

- Oh, I guess that's what
they call an "open marriage."

I mean, you go out without frank
once in a while.

- That's not open marriage.
That's escape.

- No, no, I mean, come on.
How do you get a rash there?

- Well...

- Hey, we're back.

- Thank god he came back.

- Hi, mrs. B.
Hi, deb.

- Hey,
you guys have a good time?

You beat how many people
in a row at air hockey?

- 11.
- 11.

Way to go, cubby, huh?

- Debra had a good time
tonight too.

- Oh.
Oh, yeah, that's right.

How was it?
How'd your thing go?

- Oh, I loved it.
He signed my book.

- He.

- Yeah, that's right,
dr. Everett munce.

- A doctor.

- Hey, ma, you got any food
over at the house?

- Why?

- I've been thinking of you
in an apron all night, mrs. B.

- Well, I do have food,
but don't you need me here?

- I don't think so.

- Oh, all right.

I'm right across the street
if you need to talk, raymond.

And remember...
I love you.

- You're on my foot.

- Oh.

- What's that?
What's with my mother?

'Cause we didn't go out
together tonight.

- Why? You having an affair
with the bookstore guy?

- Yeah,
he's 60 years old,

Has one eye,
and smells of the jungle.

- Yeah,
that's how you like it.

- Yeah.

That's right.

And next week is the second part
of the lecture.

- What do you mean?
You gonna go again?

- Yeah.
That's not a problem, is it?

- No, no, it's no problem.
It's just--what am I gonna do?

- Oh, I thought you could
go out with the guys again.

- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, great.

Great.

- What's the matter, ray?

- Oh, nothing.
Nothing.

- Ray, what is it?

- Nothing. It's...
I don't know.

Going out with the guys--
I mean, it was great.

It was fun.
Really, really fun.

- But?

- It wasn't so much fun.

I don't know.
I mean...

Something about it--
something was missing.

- What do you mean?

You mean me?

- No.

No.

No, I was...i mean,

We did the same stuff
we always do.

You know,
gianni was doing his thing.

He drops ice cubes
in front of him,

"Hey, look,
an eskimo peeing."

And, you know,
I mean, it was funny,

And I used to laugh at it,
but...

- It's lost its magic?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

We had
the buffalo wings I'd like,

And we did
the air hockey.

But I don't know,
something about it--

It's not the--
it's not the same as it was.

- Oh, my god.

You're growing up.

- No.

No. I probably got
a flu or something.

- No. No, that's why
you don't like doing

All those stupid things
you used to do.

You're changing.

You're maturing.

No, it's a good thing, ray.

You've become a man.

You know why you just said
you had a bad time

Doing all those things?

Because you've outgrown them.

You know I'm right,
don't you?

- Well, crap,
maybe you are.

Oh, my god.
I have been waiting for this.

Oh.

Listen, listen, listen.

Come to the lecture with me
on saturday.

- No. What?
- Oh, no, wait, listen.

That's what adults do.

They use their head,
and they think.

Oh, you're gonna like this.

You're ready for this.

You are a mature adult.

- Okay.

It would be kind of cool
to see a guy with one eye.

- Hey, debra.
- Hi.

- Hi.
Ray, you came.

- Yep, I'm here.

- You look so nice.

- Doesn't he?

- Yes, I've never seen you
like this.

- Hello, everybody.

Raymond,
look at you.

What are you doing here?

- I just came to get
a little culture.

- Oh,
a little culture.

- Folks,
if you could take your seats.

- Boy,
this is fun.

It's high school,
only now,

I've had sex with the girl
who sits next to me.

- Oh, shh.

- Let's please all welcome back
to sidewalk books

Dr. Everett munce.

[Applause]

- Thank you, brian.

- Well, it's nice to see
some familiar faces

I believe I left you
on the banks of the amazon

About 250 kilometers
east of manaus.

If you can imagine,
it's dusk,

And it's still 104 degrees.

The humidity is around 99%,
and yet it is not raining.

If you listen closely,

You can hear the macaws
and the capybaras

And perhaps even
the low growl of a jaguar...

Never seen an outsider,
so one's dilemma becomes,

"How do I record
this amazing discovery

Without corrupting the purity
of their existence?"

Well, as a matter of fact,

They faced this same dilemma
more than 30 years ago

In the philippines.

I believe it was
30 years ago.

Yes, it was in the philippines
where they come upon a tribe

That was called the tasaday.

Even though they took great--

- Ow! Ow! God!

What did you do?

- Shh! Wake up.

- All right,
I'm awake.

But you caught me
right in the eye.

- Would you shut up?

You got me right
in the socket hole.

- Be quiet.

- All right.
God.

You could've poked my eye out.

Not that I still
wouldn't be a great guy.

[Door opens]

- Hi, dear.
How was your night?

- It was fine.

- Ray, what's the matter?

- Nothing.
Nothing, nothing.

I got poked in the eye.

You know how wild it can get
in a bookstore.

- It's not funny, ray.

- I fell asleep.

The guy was droning
on and on,

And I fell asleep.

- So he hit you?

- No.

She did.

- I had to wake you up.

- When I wanted
to wake raymond up,

I would stroke his hair...

And gently kiss his forehead.

- That's how you do it.

- You were sleeping on me
in public.

I had to get you off of me.

I had hoped that after your
little separation last week

That maybe tonight
would go better.

- Everything is fine,
marie.

- No, it's not.
Everything is not fine.

- Stop rubbing it, already.
You're making it worse.

- I'm not talking about my eye.

Everything is not right with me,
the whole me.

- What?

- I went to that lecture,
and I tried, debra.

God help me,
I tried to like it.

The elbow in the eye
was the best part of the night.

- Well, I'm sorry.

I thought you were an adult.

I made a mistake.

- Who the hell am i?

- What are you talking about?

- Don't you see?
Last week, the same thing.

I went out with the guys,
the same thing happened.

I didn't belong there,
either.

So now I got this thing
in my head, like, "who am i?

What do I do now?"

"Where the hell do I belong?"

- Right here.

- You're on my foot again,
ma.

- Come on.

Trust me.

You're gonna thank me for this.

Hurry up.
You're letting the steam out.

- Hey, ray's here.
Ha-ha-ha.

- It's the sportswriter.

- Welcome to the inner sanctum.

- Yeah. Hi, guys.

But I don't want you
dropping those towels.

- Hey, put that in your column,
sportswriter.

- Ray's been going through
a rough patch,

So I brought him here
to sweat that puss off his face.

- Let me turn up the steam
for you, ray.

- No, don't get up.

Don't get up.
No, please.

Nobody move, okay?

Just pretend that I'm not here,
okay,

'Cause that's what I'm doing.

- Says the funny sportswriter.

- Sit down, ray.
Take a load off.

- Hey, sit right here, ray.

That's o'neal's place.

But you can sit there.

He's dead.

- Ah, I love the lodge.

We play some cards,
we get something to eat,

We come in here and relax.

- What more could you ask for?

- Hair.

- Yeah,
I could ask for hair.

Oy.

- Oh, man.

How long can you guys stay
in here?

- Well, the record is
4 hours and 10 minutes.

- Yeah ,by who?

- O'neal.

- This is the life.

- Yeah,
like oil in the joints.

- You still stiff?

- In my knee.

- Yeah.
I got that.

- My back's still acting up.

- Oh, the twinge?

- On good days,
it's a twinge.

- Yeah.
I got that.

- I got, like,
a shoulder thing.

- Yeah?

- It's nothing.
It's just--

You know,
sometimes when I lift things up,

You know, it hurts.

- You mean up here between
the neck and the shoulder blade?

- Yeah, yeah,
it's, like, a knot.

- I know.

I got that.

- What are you doing
lifting things, ray?

- Ah, you know, debra--

She's got me doing this
and doing that.

- Oh, the wives.

- That's a pain
we can't get rid of.

- Until you're o'neal.

[Laughter]

- Put that in your column.

- I should.
I should.

I should put it in.

I got up twice last night
to pee.

[Together] oh...yeah.
Oh.

- At least you got up.

- Debra, I'm gonna put
raymond's cannolis

In your refrigerator.

- Ma, why can't I just
grab one of those?

I made it especially for raymond
to cheer him up.

- So he gets ten cannolis,
and I get none?

- He's having a life crisis.

- [Scoffs]
life crisis...

When I got divorced,
I had to beg you

For a piece of raisin toast.

- Oh, there he is.

How was it, dear?
Did you have a nice time?

- You know, I did.
I really did.

- Was I right,
or was I right?

The lodge is heaven on earth.

- I've got to tell you,
that steam room--

That was exactly
what I needed.

- Aw, that's great, honey.

I'm glad you were able
to relax.

- Yes, the steam room
must have been nice.

I've never been invited
to the lodge.

But that's okay;
I can always work up a sweat

By chasing a psychopath
down the subway track.

- You know, ray,
you fit right in.

I was worried you were gonna
say something stupid...

Or liberal.

- I actually liked
talking to those guys.

- Well, that's terrific.
Have ten cannolis.

- Oh, I forgot.

I made you a special treat.
Raymond.

Sit down.

- So what do you say, ray?

You gonna join the brotherhood?

The guys say
you'd be a shoo-in.

- You know what?

Yeah,
I think I would like that.

- Wait a minute.

You want to join the lodge?

- It'll be great.

I'll be your father,
but I'll also be your brother.

- All right, that's it!

- No! Robbie, robbie!
Robbie! Robbie!

Robbie, give it to me.
Oh, robbie.

Oh, robbie.

Oh, robbie.

Oh, stop that.

I mean, I know you had
a good time there today,

But you don't want to join.

- Why wouldn't he?

Because he's not 100...

Percent sure
he wants to join.

- No, I know what
you're saying, debra,

But I don't know.

You know, when I was in
that steam room,

It just felt right.

I mean, i--i think it's what
I've been looking for.

- Sweaty man-boobs?

- I don't like that,
robert.

- I mean, I was comfortable.

You know,
I was relaxed.

- Plus, I've got say,
everyone told me you were,

Like,
the best-looking guy in there.

He's the "before"
in a room full of "afters."

It just made you feel young
to be around those guys?

- No, I actually felt
like I belonged.

- Oh, this is ridiculous.

- Well, I mean, you're the one
who told me to grow up.

- I didn't say
grow all the way up.

I mean, what is the appeal,
just sitting in a steam room?

- Oh, we also play cards.

And don't forget
the naked swimming.

- I haven't even been,
and I can't forget.

- No, no.
Let me tell you.

After that steam,
a couple of nude laps...

Whoo.

You really feel the pool.

- Come on, ray.
You don't want to do this.

You don't want
to join the lodge.

- Well, look,
I tried everything else, right?

I went out with my friends.

I didn't like
the bookstore thing.

I mean,
this is all I have left.

- No, it isn't.

I mean,
we do things together.

We go to dinner.
We go to the movies.

Some of those movies we see,
they're all kind of stupid.

- The last movie I saw
was patton.

- All right, frank.

- And you know when I'll go back
to the movies?

"Son of patton."

- And then everybody
is always talking in them,

And it's always freezing.

- In fact, is there, like,
a draft in here?

- There's a blanket
in the living room.

Maybe you'd be more comfortable
in there.

- Well,
I am a little tired.

Ohh, gosh.

Oh, my shoulder's
on the fritz again.

- Just sit down
and put your feet up.

- Yes, raymond.
Can I get you anything?

Some melba toast?

A catheter?

- I'm all locked up, you know.
It's like a big knot.

- Is it in here?

- You need more time
in that steam room.

I'll pick you up
tomorrow morning at 9:00.

We don't come out
until everything's soft.

- I may throw up.

- We got--do we have, like,
a heating pad?

- Well, this is great, ray.

This is just great.

You went from
an immature teenager

To a tired old geezer
with no stops in between.

And what did I get?

I got ripped off.
That's what I got.

I never got to be married
to a man,

A regular, grown-up man.

- Do you have to yell?

- Could everybody
please leave now?

- What do you mean?
- I just need everyone to go.

- Yeah, but--
- marie, please go.

- Debra, you should probably
turn him every half hour

So he doesn't get bedsores.

- Are you gonna be all right--

- Marie, he'll be fine.

- What are you doing?

- I'm just checking to see
how old you really are.

Well?

- I'm a little tired.

- Oh, my god.

- But not too tired.

- I thought
your shoulder hurt.

- I'm not gonna use my shoulder.

- Thanks for giving me
a shot here, dad.

- Yeah, yeah.
Take it easy.

All right,
here's the big one.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, robert.

- You're in pretty good shape,
robert.

I guess you don't eat
too many doughnuts.

[Laughter]

- 'Cause cops eat doughnuts.

- Okay.

- So your wife
is gonna let you join?

- Actually,
I'm not married.

- Oh, that's right,
guys, red alert.

- We're sitting naked
with a confirmed bachelor.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Listen, you don't have to
worry about me.

I can tell you that right now.

- Hey, robert,
it's hot in here.

Why don't you take
your sweater off?

[Laughter]

- Good one.
Good one.

[Laughs]

Why don't you take your wig off?

- Now, what the hell is that
supposed to mean?

- N-nothing.
I was just kidding around.

- You're just a wise guy,
I see.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Take it easy,
take it easy.

- Just keep moving.
- But I didn't do anything.

- Frank, get him out of here,
frank.

- Come on. Come on.
Get him out of here.

- Bring back the funny one.