03x08 - Be True to Your Tool

[bunniefuu]

Good night, Al.
Good night, Heidi.

Good show tonight,
Al. You think so?

You insulted me times.

You're right. Great show!

Tim. Al.

Hi, Heidi. Hi.

Super episode. Right
up there with Vila.

Thanks, Wes. Thank
you, President Davidson.

He's president of Binford
Tools, not the United States, Al.

So how are my
friends at Tool Time?

Beats me. I don't
think you have any.

You know, Tim, you're as funny now
as when we first started selling tools.

I remember that.

You know, Wes here was Binford's
best number-two tool salesman.

Boy, I can't remember
the guy's name that was

number one. Who was
the number-one salesman?

It was you, Tim. Was it me?

But we all know who's
number one now, don't we?

Yes, we do, Mr. President.

Al, I really enjoyed the
"What's New" segment,

and it started my little
gray cells churning.

Mm-hm? Seems like it churned
the hair right off your head.

Hey! Hey.

The hair's off-limits, Taylor.

It's off your scalp, too.

Anyway...

we just finished the prototype
for a new reciprocating saw.

I didn't know we were developing
one. You didn't know I'd be

your boss one day either.
Gentlemen, the Binford ,

with state-of-the-art
electronic feedback control.

(grunts) Oh, I love
that in a saw! Boy.

Look how thin she
is. And she's light.

And look at this, there's
a p*stol grip. Down, boy!

I thought it would
be perfect if you could

give it a sneak preview
on Friday's segment.

That's a very good idea.

We can see now why
you're number one.

Thanks, Al.

Well, back to work.

Bye, Al. See you, Timmy.

So long, Wessy. See
you, Mr. President.

Why don't you just
glue your lips to his butt?

There's no need to be snitty.

Besides, I think you're overlooking
something very important

that has just happened here.

(both) We got a new tool!

There's nothing
to eat in this house.

Hey, Randy.
What's in the pantry?

We got some garlic
powder, nutmeg and fennel.

What's fennel?

That's what Al's
shirts are made of.

Hey, guys, are you
here? (Brad) Yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry
I'm late. What a day!

The computers all
went down at work,

and then I had a library fundraiser
meeting, and I got this headache -

I thought my head
was going to explode.

Mom, we're
completely out of food.

Thank you for caring.

You father and I just
went to the grocery

store two days ago. How
can there be no food?

There's no food!

Gosh! You guys are just
like piranhas in blue jeans.

OK, I'll order a pizza for tonight.
Tomorrow I'll go to the grocery store.

Can you make sure the food is here
by the time we get home from school?

Why don't I just meet
you at the bus stop?

I can serve you as you get off.

You're always thinking, Mom.

Here's what I'm thinking:

tomorrow I'm gonna give
you boys some money.

Yeah! Money! I'm gonna
send you to the grocery store.

You're gonna buy everything
I tell you to - nothing else.

Oh, man!

And when I say potatoes
I don't mean potato chips.

And milk does not
mean Milk Duds, OK?

Can we at least get
something sweet?

You could buy me some
flowers - that'd be sweet.

Hi, everybody. Oh, hi.

How is the best gosh-darn
family in the whole world?

You got a new tool,
didn't you? (grunts) Yeah!

Binford's coming
out with a new saw.

I get to promote it on the show.
Tonight I get to try it out in the garage -

if you'll help move
the hot rod chassis out.

Is it a power saw? You bet.

I'll get the candles.
I'll get the Band-Aids.

Honey, are you still here?
It's two in the morning.

Come over here,
Jill. Look at this.

Know what I found out
when I took this apart?

That you couldn't
put it back together?

This is an inferior tool.

I'm embarrassed to
have it in the garage

breathing the same air
as the rest of my stuff.

Honey, I know they're like
little people to you, but get a grip.

No, no, no. Look
at these washers.

These are plastic
washers, plastic screws.

I knew this'd happen
when Davidson took over.

He doesn't care about
quality the way I do.

No kidding. I saw his
wife at a Christmas party.

Binford would have
never made a tool like this.

The length of the stroke
isn't even half an inch.

Well, that may be obvious
to you and me, but...

Davidson may not know
that this is a bad tool.

How could he not
know this is a bad tool?

He's been sitting behind
a desk for ten years.

You're right. Even when we
were selling tools together -

- get this, he didn't know the difference
between a spline shank and a two-flute.

That was exactly my reaction.

Honey, if you tell him
that this is a bad tool,

he may not want
you to promote it.

You think so? Yeah.
You should go talk to him.

Maybe you're right.
I'm always right.

Why is that?
'Cause I'm so smart.

If you're so smart,
Mrs. Magna Cum Lately,

why don't you help
me put it back together.

Absolutely not.

See, I'm getting
smarter all the time.

Well, here we are. Have a seat.

Mr. Davidson will
be with you shortly.

Thanks, Laura.

Oh, by the way, Al, all of
us here at Binford love you.

I bet we both have a
lot of fans around here.

Well, like I said, Mr. Davidson
will be with you shortly.

Why did we have to come here?

You know I'm not good
at confronting superiors.

Al, you got to speak up.

If a kiss-up like you has a
complaint, he'll take it seriously.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm
late. Hello, Mr. President.

Comfortable, Tim? How can I
not be? It's so homey in here.

How are you guys?
You want anything?

We want you to scrap
production on the .

I was thinking more along
the lines of coffee or tea.

It's an inferior tool.
Both Al and I agree.

Is this true, Al?

I would like some tea.

The point is I took
it home last night

and fiddled around with
it. Al tried it this morning.

The motor's really
too small, Wes.

There's all those
plastic parts in it.

Do you have chamomile?

The whole thing is
cheesy and lightweight.

We feel that the lighter weight
parts make it easier to use.

Particularly for the
ladies. The ladies?

My wife was just
remarking the other night,

"When are they gonna make
a reciprocating saw for me?

"Something small you can put in a cocktail
purse. Or maybe hang it like a pendant.

Maybe some drop
earrings out of it."

With all due respect,
Mr. President, I... I did try it.

And I felt that it wasn't up to
Binford's usually high standards.

Al, it's a perfectly fine tool.
We just found some new,

innovative
manufacturing techniques.

Don't you mean you found a
cheaper way to make it, Wes?

All right, forget
all this stuff, OK?

The basic design is there. With
modifications, we got a great tool.

All you need is
a heavier casing,

go from plastic to
metal washers...

Guys! I'm happy
with the saw as is.

Fine. Let's just see how happy you are
when we will not promote it on Tool Time.

Tim, it's very simple.

(hits hole in one)

Binford makes tools.
Binford makes Tool Time.

Your point? If the show
won't promote our products,

we have no reason continue
it. At least, not with you.

Don't thr*aten me, Wes.

Al?

You can cancel my tea... sir.

Mom, we're back! We
got everything on the list.

(Jill) Everything?

Everything except
the garlic gloves.

Garlic gloves?

That's garlic cloves, honey.

Oh. Then we had Mark
smelling gloves for nothing.

Uh-oh! What is all this stuff?

There's licorice here, potato
chips, chocolate-covered peanuts.

These things
were not on the list.

We bought it with the
money we had left over.

You shouldn't have
had any money left over.

We're smart shoppers. Yeah.

This fruit is bruised.

The crackers are smushed.

What's with this can
of spaghetti sauce?

Mom, it was half the
price 'cause it was dented.

Great. We can have
spaghetti al dente.

That's a good idea.

Did you buy anything
that wasn't damaged?

Yeah, the chicken. We
couldn't find any dented ones.

Why didn't you just throw it up against
the wall before you got to the register?

See, Randy? I told
you we should do that.

Well, thanks for trying.

Hi, everybody.

Back from shopping. How'd it go?

There's no labels on these.

What is it? It could be
succotash or dog food.

With the way Mom cooks, I
don't think it makes a difference.

(Jill) I heard that!

So how'd it go with
Davidson? Huh!

You know what they say,
honey. A weasel is a weasel...

is a weasel!

That good, huh?

I guess the bottom line is, I either
promote the tool or he fires me.

What?

I don't think he can hurt
"The Tool Man" Tim Taylor.

He's the president of the company.
He has the power to fire you.

Who's he gonna replace
me with? Borland?

Al's show now? Flannel
Time? Who's gonna watch that?

OK, tell me about
this tool. Does it work?

It works.

Is it unsafe?

No, it's not unsafe,
but this isn't the point.

Is this really about the tool?

Or is it about your
problem with Davidson?

I don't have a
problem with Davidson.

You think he's a weasel.

I don't have a
problem with that.

OK, if it's not about
Davidson and the tool is safe.

Are you really willing to
lose your job over this?

Binford has always
stood for quality tools.

This is a bad reciprocating saw.

What's next? A rubber
miter box? Styrofoam nails?

Is there no way you
can compromise? Jill...

a lot of guys watch the show and buy tools
because I recommend them on the show.

It's a responsibility
I don't take lightly.

All right. "All right" what?

All right, I'm behind you -
whatever you decide to do.

Even if I lose my job and I've gotta
go back on selling tools on the road?

I won't see you, but
I'll be behind you.

That's why I love you.

And you don't think I'm crazy?

That's a separate issue.

Hey, Dad, remember the landing
gear you fixed on my plane yesterday?

Did a good job, didn't I?

I guess the glue didn't work.

Oh. I can't figure that out my thumb was
stuck to the work bench for three hours.

Well, I'll fix it again.

You like me being Tim "The
Tool Man" Taylor, don't you?

Yeah!

You know, I also used
to be a tool salesman.

I was the best salesman
Binford ever had.

I know. How do you know?

You told me a million times.

I didn't tell you about being on
the road, though. Staying in hotels -

you get to make a big mess and
someone else cleans up after you.

Doesn't Mom do that?

Yeah, but the chambermaid
doesn't give you those nasty looks.

You get to eat all the food you want
- get bloated and all gassy at night.

That doesn't sound so good.

Oh, but rental cars. You can
do whatever you want to 'em.

Commuter flights.
(imitates plane sputtering)

"Is that wing supposed to be doing
that?" (imitates plane nose-diving)

Oh, boy. Staying up late.
Talking to your kids by phone.

Never being home for
holidays. I hated doing that.

Dad, if you were a tool salesman,
you'd never be home with us.

I wanna be home with you
guys. I wanna do Tool Time.

That's really the life I like.

Here you go.

It stinks, Wilson.

Well, Tim, you can't expect a
compost heap to smell like fine perfume.

No, I'm referring to the situation
with that weasel Davidson.

It's a lose-lose situation.

I either promote a tool that I don't
believe in, or I risk losing my job?!

Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm!
That is quite a pickle.

You're right, Wilson.
It's a real predicament.

No, I was referring to the big dill between
the coffee grounds and the eggshells.

Wilson, could we?

Oh, I'm sorry, Tim.

You know, it was Robert Ingersoll,
a th-century lawyer, who said:

"It is a blessed thing
that in every age

somebody has had the courage
to stand by their convictions."

A lawyer said that?!

On the other hand, I'm reminded
of a general named Pyrrhus.

That's right.

It was a Greek general
who fought the Romans.

His army won the w*r,
but he lost so many men,

it might just as well
have been a defeat.

Today we call that
a Pyrrhic victory.

What are you saying? That
this might not be worth the fight?

It wasn't for Pyrrhus.
It may be for you.

You see, Tim, when it's a question of
integrity, there are no easy answers.

I could come back.

You're right, Wilson.
This is really a pickle.

And I don't mean that dill.

So? What are you gonna do
about the reciprocating saw?

I'm gonna do my job, Al.

You're not gonna promote
it on the show, are you?

What about your principles?

I don't wanna end up in
a Pyrex victory, all right?

What?

Does everybody know
what time it is? Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud
to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody,
and welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and
you all know my assistant Al Borland.

Today we finish up "What's
New" this week on Tool Time.

Got a little surprise. How
would you guys all like to see

a top-secret prototype of
a new tool from Binford?

Yeah!

Well, prepare your eyes, cover 'em
if you're a child, 'cause here we go.

(audience) Whoa!

"Whoa" is right. Look at this.

The new Binford
reciprocating saw.

(audience gasps) Phew!

Huh? Every tool Binford makes goes
through a rigorous quality-control system

to make sure
it's top of the line.

And the Binford ...

bombed out big-time.

Al, if you wanna walk
away, I'll understand.

I never walk away
from a tool in need.

That's right.

The Binford bombed out of
every single test we threw at her.

And... and I bet you're wondering who's
responsible for making a tool like this.

It's the new president of Binford Tools,
Wes Davidson. He's right over there.

A man who doesn't
mind a bad tool.

As long as it's made
by somebody else.

'Cause if it says Binford
on it, it's gotta be the best.

I think Wes Davidson deserves
a big round of applause. Wes.

Come on over here, Wes.

Come on!

It's because of this man

you'll only see quality
products in your hardware store.

Wes, tell us a little bit about the
problem you had developing the .

Please, tell us.

I'd be glad to, guys.

We found that the motor
was a little underpowered.

And the casing?

And the casing would have been
a little stronger had we used metal.

Hm. What are you
gonna do with it?

Well, in the interests of the consumer,
I've decided to hold off production.

(dramatic gasp)

Isn't this the kind of guy
you want selling you tools?

(audience) Yeah!

Uh, I got an idea. Heidi, would
you bring out the Binford Big Boy ZX?

Sure, Tim.

Here on Tool Time, when
we have a tool or product

that doesn't measure
up to our standards,

we give it an... Ooh!
Interesting farewell.

Heidi?

The Binford tool masher.

Al, you wanna take
the honors here?

I don't think so, Tim.

But perhaps Wes would like to.

How about it, Mr. President?

All right! Just shove
it right in there.

Watch your hands!

(machine whirring and clunking)

And what we end up with...

is the new Binford ...

paperweight.

("Tool Time" theme tune on TV)

Honey, I'm so proud of you.

It took a lot of integrity to
stand up to Davidson like that.

Well, I'd like to say
it was no big deal.

No, it was a big deal.

However, if you
had lost your job,

it wouldn't have
been the worst thing.

What do you mean? I'd
have to go back to selling tools

and be on the road for weeks.

And the downside would be?

You'd miss me.

Until Jake the pool
boy dropped by.

We don't have a
pool. We'd get one.

Maybe I'll just stay
home. That'd be OK, too.

Since I'd be the major
breadwinner, you'd have to stay home

and do the laundry
and the cooking

and the shopping, cleaning...

weeks isn't that long.

I'd have two very
interesting options.

On the one hand, you would
stay home and do the laundry.

And on the other hand,
I would get the pool guy.

Oh, honey!

I'd never trade you for anybody.

Unless I could get a pool
boy who did the laundry.

(woman) ...four, three, two...

(loud "Tool Time" theme tune)

(laughter)

Did it scare you?

Loud theme song! So loud!