03x03 - This Joke's for You

[bunniefuu]

Hi there. Today in
the Tool Time corral,

we're talking about a
different kind of power.

(spits) (ping)

Sawhorse power, 'cause a man
is judged by his pair of ponies.

That's right, partner.

And the sturdiest sawhorses
are made of pine or fir.

A good rule of thumb is it
should be sturdy enough

to support Al's mom
after a big buffet.

You know, Tim, my shop
tastes normally run old-fashioned,

but when it comes
to the sawhorse,

I've decided to let my hair
down and switch to metal.

Now I'm a guy of the ' s.

Would that be s, Al?

This sawhorse is half the weight

and can easily be
moved around the job site.

(whistles) That was an
incredible demonstration, Al.

But if you want a sawhorse
that'll get you around the job site,

I got the stallion for you.

Tim. Al.

Tim, where... where are y...

Well, while we're
waiting for Tim, I, uh...

I would... well, I'd
like to regale you

with an anecdote
about my first sawhorse.

Her name was Lilly.

(♪ "The Lone Ranger" theme)

(engine revs in time)

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Your sawhorse has
an engine? Right.

It'll do on the interstate.

Listen to this thing
idle. Take it out of gear.

Huh? Out of gear.

Aah! Ohh!

(birds twittering)

What do you think? Should
we put the kids in the middle?

Dad, can we use
the intercom yet?

Not yet.

We ran the speaker
wires to the amplifier,

down to the transformer,

which we goosed
up to give it what?

More power!

Yeah.

Dad, is the transformer

the thing that you set on fire?

You call that a fire?

No, when I fixed the
water heater, that was a fire.

Right.

All right, I should be
able to get your mom now.

Hey, Jill, can you hear me?

Jill can you hear me?

Of course I can hear
you. I'm right behind you.

Thought you were in the garage.

We're testing out the new
intercom. Today is the day.

That you come to your senses and
realize we don't need an intercom?

The day I come to my
senses is a long way off.

Mark, come on.

I'm gonna go buy
you some clothes.

I wanna stay here until
the intercom starts working.

Believe me, we'll be back
way before that happens.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Randy.

Hey, Jeremy. How you doin'?

Can't complain. All right.

(intercom whistles and hums)

What's that, The Emergency
Broadcast System?

Yeah. We're at
w*r with the English.

Apparently they want
their muffins back.

(British accent) Line 'em
up. Give us our muffins.

Shine 'em up. Put
butter on 'em. I want...

All right, boys...
Dad, could we?

(normal voice) Oh.

Come on, we better get upstairs.

This thing could
blow at any minute.

Wait a minute. How can
you blow up an intercom?

You don't know my dad.

He blew up a dishwasher, a
blender and seven toasters.

Two blenders, five toasters.

He's had so many accidents,

the hospital gave him a
preferred customer card.

Two more head injuries,
we get a free trip to Hawaii!

(intercom whistling and humming)

(Jeremy) Boy, your dad's
funny. I wish my dad was like that.

(Randy) No, you don't.
My dad's a total goofball.

Ever see "Tool Time"?

I thought all those screwups
were just an act. Are you kidding?

They're thinking of changing the
name of the show to "Fool Time."

(both laugh)

(intercom whistles and hums)

Hi, Mom.

Hi. Where have you
been? At the library.

Why, did they install
video games there?

No. I went to check out a book.

You checked out a book?

David Copperfield? Since when
have you been into Charles Dickens?

Mom, I love Charles Dickens.

"No author has more brilliantly
captured the poignancy of youth."

Give me a break.

Why did you check out that book?

All right. Jennifer's starting to
like this new guy named Lance.

They talk about
reading all the time,

and this is Jennifer's
favorite book.

So you said it was
your favorite, too?

Well, yeah. Now I
can talk to her about it.

You must be really
worried about Jennifer,

'cause David
Copperfield is a long book.

How bad can it be?

On his last TV special,

he made the Statue
of Liberty disappear.

Oh, no! Oh, no, no,
no. Honey, no. No.

This is not David
Copperfield the magician.

This is David Copperfield
the tortured waif.

You know, chapters' worth.

Oh, man. "Oh, man" is right.

(intercom whistling and humming)

Tim!

Tim!

What? Oh!

The airplanes flying around are
causing all the static on this thing.

Why don't you
just call the airport

and tell 'em that they're
interfering with your intercom?

(high-pitched whine)

Stupid thing. Stupid intercom!

Is something bothering you? No.

So slugging the intercom

is just part of the
installation process?

Does Randy seem
different to you lately?

What do you mean?

He was making fun of
me in front of Jeremy.

What kind of guy makes jokes
at other people's expense?

I don't know. Maybe
we should ask Al.

We work together. We have
a give-and-take relationship.

I give it, he takes
it. That's different.

Randy jokes about you, you joke
about Randy. That's just your relationship.

This is behind my back.

What were you doing,
eavesdropping on him?

No. The intercom in his room
was on. I just heard him talking.

You mean it was
actually working?

For a second or so, yeah.

He was talking about how I
screw up all the time at work.

Well...

Honey, it's not
exactly a state secret.

He said they should
change the name of the show

from Tool Time to Fool Time?

If this is really
bothering you this much,

I think you should
talk to him about it.

I don't wanna talk to him.
You can't let stuff like this fester.

Sure I can. Guys
always let stuff fester.

Remember The Addams Family?

Uncle Fester, not Aunt Fester.

Whoa. Excellent point, Tim.

I'll call him down here.

Hey, Randy, come down here. I
want to talk to you for a minute.

(high-pitched whine)

(man) Flight ,

you're clear for takeoff
on runway seven.

Man, I finally got
through the introduction.

Man, by the time
you finish that book,

Jennifer's gonna
be a grandmother.

Yeah, but if I wanna keep
her, I have to get through it.

Why? You never read
anything for a girl before.

Yeah, but this is junior high.

You have to work a lot
harder to impress the girls.

So sticking straws up your
nose doesn't work anymore?

Oh, no. That's still big.

Hey, guys. Hi, Dad.

Would you mind going downstairs
for a minute so I can talk to Randy?

Come on, Dad. I'm trying
to read. You can read it later.

"David Copperfield"?
That guy's great.

He made the Statue
of Liberty disappear.

Wrong guy, Dad. This
is about the tragic waif.

Oh, yeah, the tragic waif.

Can we talk for a minute?

If you wanted to talk to me,

why didn't you just call
me on the intercom?

Or is that still picking
up ambulance calls?

You really bust my chops
sometimes, you know?

Well, Dad, you make it so easy.

But you could go over the line,

like that little
conversation with Jeremy.

We were just kidding around.

You think calling me
names is kidding around?

I didn't call you names.

I heard you call me a goofball.

What, were you
standing outside my door?

No, I heard it
through the intercom.

Oh, so is that why
you put it in... No.

So you could spy on me?

You ever hear of a
thing called privacy?

Have you ever heard of a thing
called respect for your father?

What about respect for me? You were
eavesdropping. It was an accident, kid.

The point is, you called
my work Fool Time. So?

So? Tool Time puts clothes on
your back and food in your stomach.

Look at me when
I'm talking to you.

I heard what you said. And?

If you didn't grunt like an ape
and break things all the time,

maybe your show
wouldn't be such a joke.

Hey, wait a minute.
My show's a joke?

So that means I'm a joke to you?

I got a joke for you. I
got a good joke for you.

Here's the punch line - a week.

What's the question?
(imitates buzzer) Too late.

The question is, "How long
are you gonna be grounded for?"

That's a joke. You're not laughing.
Maybe you heard that one before.

Hey, Mark, can you hear me?

Mark, can you hear me?! What?

Can you hear me on the intercom?

Dad, I can't hear you! What?

Dad, I can't read
with all this yelling!

Would you quiet down?

Boy, how did we ever get
along without this intercom?

That's why I installed it, so
we wouldn't have all this yelling.

Hey, Mark, tell you what.
Turn up the volume real loud!

What?! Ahh!

How's David Copperfield
coming? Pretty slow.

Well, stick with
it. It's a classic.

What ever happens
to Aunt Betsey?

Aunt Betsey? Well...

Come on, honey. What
did happen to Aunt Betsey?

You read the book, didn't
you? Of course I read it.

I just don't want to
spoil the ending for him.

(horn honks)

Honey, get your
bag. See you, Dad.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
Bye-bye, sweetie. Get a coat on.

Here, Randy. Bye, Mom.

(whispers) Say
something to your father.

Oh, yeah. Dad, by the way,

I'm still getting the all-Spanish
station through my intercom.

That's real funny.
Don't quit your day job.

Bye, sweetie.

Well, that was real adult.

(kid's voice)
Well, he started it.

Honey, you know what
kids are like this age.

They say a lot of
really mean things.

Brad never called me a joke.

No, he just broke windows and
got brought home by the police,

you remember that?

Why can't Randy
be more like that?

I was just like Randy
when I was his age.

You wouldn't believe the
things I used to say to my mother.

Worse things than
I've said to her?

Way worse. I remember there was
this one time, she called me a nickname...

She always called
me this nickname,

but this time she
said it when I was .

We'd just moved to a new place, and
she said it in front of all my new friends.

I was so mad at her.

You wouldn't believe
the things that I called her.

Forget what you called
her. What was the nickname?

Oh, yeah, like I'm
really gonna tell you.

Come on, what was the nickname?

You have to swear that you won't
breathe a word of it to anybody.

Cross my heart, hope to die, hope
a wrench hits me right in the eye.

Jilly-Dilly.

(laughs)

Jilly-Dilly.

I don't want to hear this name
in this house ever again, all right?

I might have to say it on
Tool Time. Don't you dare.

So, did you get what I was
trying to tell you about Randy?

I suppose.

It really hurts that he
thinks that I'm a joke.

I try to be a real good
father to these boys.

You're a great father.
And I'm a cool father.

Very cool.

I can burp with the best
of 'em. Yes, you can.

I can turn my eyelids
inside out and do that.

Like nobody else.

I can flick ear wax
feet across a room.

That's why I married you.

(Heidi) Does everybody
know what time it is? Tool Time!

That's right. Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!

Thank you, Heidi, and
welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you all know my
assistant, Al... Borland.

What's the matter, Tim?

You run out of stupid middle
names? Is it my birthday?

I don't always have to joke
around. This isn't Fool Time.

Today we begin
the backyard fort.

Oh, boy, the kids'll love it.

We're gonna set our posts into the
dirt, so we need post-hole digging,

which is kind of tricky,
so... What the heck.

Let's not use the
motorized one today.

I'll show you all how to use the manual
post-hole digger. It's simpler to use.

You're suggesting the manual
one? I figured it'd be easier.

You've never suggested
the manual anything.

I thought maybe... Do you even
know what "manual" means?

Does everything have
to be a joke around here?

The important thing to remember
when building anything for kids is safety.

You want to pad the whole
base area with woodchips.

Every year, over a quarter of a million
kids are hurt in playground accidents.

Keep that in mind.

Course, your original plans
called for a homemade cannon.

Well, maybe I went
a little over the top.

That's not my style today.

I find that a little
hard to believe, Tim.

What's the catch?
There is no catch.

I added a little
something fun for the kids -

a little signal button, almost
like a doorbell for the fort.

Press that and listen
to it. OK, I know. Ha-ha.

That wasn't in
the plans, either.

What, your little bell
will send , volts

coursing through my body?

While he stands back and
yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"

I just want you to
press the bell. I know...

It's just a setup, isn't it? It's
one big setup. It is not a setup!

Soon you'll start in with the
uncalled-for slams against my mother...

How she always shops
in the husky section.

How she wiped out the
all-you-can-eat salad bar.

I simply came out here
to put this thing together.

Go ahead. Just say it.
My mother is a big fat cow!

Goodness gracious, Al.

We'll be right back after these
messages from Binford Tools.

Hi-ho, neighbor.

Look what I just
found here in my yard.

Holy moly, Wilson. It's a rock!

Oh, no, Tim. It's
not just a rock.

This is laminated
dolomitic micrite.

This was here even when
the dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Imagine if this
-million-year-old rock could talk.

Hey, brontosaurus! Why don't
you aim that someplace else?

(laughs)

Always the jokester, Tim.

Not today. I was real
serious on Tool Time today.

I'm surprised by that, knowing
your propensity for jocularity.

I did it to make a
point with Randy.

He said I act like
an idiot on the show.

Ooh, ouch. That hurts.

Well, this may be
small consolation, Tim,

but parents are the bone

on which children
sharpen their teeth.

You're right.
That's no help at all.

What I'm saying is, when a boy
is young, he worships his father.

In order for the boy
to become a man,

he's got to start seeing his
father as a fallible human being,

stop seeing him as a god.

It was easier when he
thought of me as a god.

Well, you've still got
some time left with Mark.

Yeah, I know, but I sure
would miss this stuff with Randy.

Our relationship is real
special. He's a lot like me.

We make jokes about each
other, but we laugh about it.

I'm sure you're
gonna miss that, Tim,

but for the next
four, five years

he's gonna seem
like a different person.

I wasn't like that with
my dad. I worshipped him.

How old were you
again when he d*ed?

.

How old is Randy
now? , going on...

(grunts) Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I didn't have a
chance to be rude to my dad,

'cause he d*ed before
I got the chance.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Boy, having kids
is tough, you know?

Why do you think I have rocks?

Hi, Brad. Hi, Mom.

What are you doing? You taking
a break from David Copperfield?

I stopped reading it.

I decided if a girl's
gonna like me,

she's gonna like
me for who I am.

She dumped you, huh?

Yep.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Are you OK?

I mean, I know how
much you like Jennifer.

Yeah, but she's really changed.

Now she's into reading
and classical music.

When I first met her,

she was into cool stuff
like clothes and hair.

Well... gee.

I guess this means that...

I'm not gonna get to
see her anymore, huh?

It's OK, Mom.
There'll be other girls.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

It's just that, you know...
I... I really liked her,

and I didn't get to say goodbye.

It feels kind of unresolved.

Do you want me to have her
come over and she can dump you?

Where's Randy? I
think he's up in his room.

I gotta talk to him. I just
found out I'm not God.

Oh, Tim, I'm so sorry.

(mumbles)

Hey, Randy, got a minute?

According to you,
I've got a week.

The other day, you said some
things that were really out of line,

but I've decided that to ground
you is probably not the answer.

Great. Catch you
later. Hold on a second.

I know what's going on here.

You're at the point in your life

where you have to clean
your teeth on my bones.

What?

For the next couple years,
you're not gonna be yourself.

Who am I gonna be?

A little wise guy that
smarts off to people

that a lot of people
will think is a big jerk.

Chip off the old block, eh?

It's started already. What?

Adolescence - the
age of obnoxiousness.

Every kid goes
through this stuff,

and I'm just gonna wait
for you on the other side.

So you're saying it's OK
for me to make fun of you?

No, I didn't say that.
I said I understand it.

It's just your way of
rebelling against me, I think.

Well, did you rebel
against your father?

Uh... he d*ed before
I could be a real jerk.

He'd be proud if he
could see you now.

Hey-hey...

That's another good
example of high obnoxious art.

Uh, but the issue is here,

I don't want you making
jokes about my job.

Deal.

Or me getting hurt
and screwing things up.

Anything that makes me look bad.

What's left to joke about?

Mom.

All right. Hey, Dad...

I'm sorry that you never got a chance
to be obnoxious with your father.

Me too.

You know,

there was this one
time when I was nine,

I really got him
steamed up, though.

He finally let me play
with his butane torch.

Well, what happened?

I got to ride in a fire truck...

and we got a new garage.

(horn honks/ siren wails)

Hey, guys.

Nice sh*t. Nice dunk.

You wanna hear something
real funny about your mother?

She's not really married to you?

How long do you want
to stay up in your room?

Hey, don't blame me.
It was adolescence.

All right, listen, what do
you think Nana called her

when she was little?

Jill?

A name that might annoy her.

Tim.

Back off, all right?
What did she call her?

When she was real little,
Nana used to call her...

(Jill) Don't even
think about it, Tim.

It works!

Of course it works. I
know what I'm doing.

Al's down here. He fixed it.

(Al) Hi, Tim. How you doin'?

Pretty good, Al. Thanks.

So, what did Nana call Mom?

I couldn't compromise
her trust in me.

(Jill) I heard that
Magic Marker.

Some unit, isn't it?

Thank you, everybody,
and thank you, Heidi.

Welcome to Tool Time. I
am Tool... Tim.. What the...

You all know my
assistant Al Borland.

What's the matter, Tim?
No stupid middle name?

Did you r... Is it my birthday?

We don't always
have... (cackles)