03x01 - Maybe, Baby

[bunniefuu]

Hey, welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

You all know my assistant

Al "What's the point of
having a weekend?" Borland.

We've been gone for two
weeks on vacation, Al and I.

It's good to be back. I
hope you enjoyed the reruns.

While we were gone, Al, I guess you
finished that log cabin up at Hope Lake?

Yes, Tim, I have.

I finished it
completely by myself.

Everything in it
is made from logs.

Fantastic.

Can't wait to stop by and
meet the little log woman.

Anyway, while Al was
busy carving himself a life,

I took my family to the natural
history museum in Chicago.

Very educational.
A lot of fun. Yes, it is.

But we all know the worst
part of a long car trip -

the family in the car.

(high voice) "I'm tired."
"I'm hungry." "I can't see."

"He's pushing." "I gotta pee."

Boy, my wife was annoying.

But it worked out well,

because I brought
back from the museum

some primitive tools
from primitive man.

Heidi, the artifacts, please.

'Course, y'all know
our new tool girl.

I want you all to
say howdy to Heidi.

(all) Howdy, Heidi!

Our old tool girl moved on
to bigger and better things.

Oh? Did she accept
that offer from Bob Vila?

She went on to college.
We both know that, Al.

Here are your sticks, Tim.

Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.

They're not sticks.
These are artifacts.

They look like sticks to me.
Hm? Well, little do you know.

I wouldn't pay bucks
for some sticks, would I?

Yes, Tim, you would.

They say there's a
sucker born every minute.

Now we know what
he does on his vacation.

Boy, gosh darn it. That's funny.

That's really funny.

Maybe when you're on
your permanent vacation,

you can build yourself a
log unemployment office.

The point is, to John Q Primitive
Man, this was his source of fire.

They would try to get a
spark going, rubbing like this,

to see if they could
get the kindling moving.

You should be careful,
because you could start a fire.

Like I'm really gonna start a fire with
sticks like this. You can't get a spark...

Tim... Al... Al...

You're on fire.

Indeed I am, Al, and,
you know, I've done this

to teach the kids an important
lesson - don't play with sticks.

They can put your eye
out or ignite your forearm.

Al, could you help me out?

Hey! Oh! Ahh... Ooh.

What do you think? Should
we put the kids in the middle?

Come on, baby, let's
go. Burn it in here.

Put it in the glove.
You can do it. Come on.

Boys! Hey!

Hey, boys, come on. You
don't wanna be late for school.

Yes, we do.

If we're gonna be late, we
might as well not go at all. Yeah.

Yeah, right.

You know, when I was a kid,

I could not wait
to get to school,

see my teachers,
hand in my homework,

take all those tests
I always got A's on.

Yeah, but I bet you got
b*at up a lot. Every day.

Now move it, guys. Have
a good time at school.

Bye, Mom! Love you!

(oogah)

Right! I got the horn
working for the hot rod, huh?

Really?

I thought a flock of geese
had exploded in there.

Speaking of a flock of
geese, your sister called.

What did she say about the
ultrasound? What is she having?

A baby.

I know she's having a
baby. What kind of a baby?

I dunno. I hope it
doesn't look a lot like her.

OK, I'll call her.

I can't believe you're
so blasé about this.

Having a baby is a big deal.

What's the big deal?

Cells get together and
multiply. Poof! You got a baby.

You women act as though it's
some sort of miracle. It is a miracle.

No, no, no, no, no, a
miracle is what happened

to the US
Olympic hockey team.

You women give birth,

thousands of fans don't stand
up and go, "USA! USA! USA!"

Well, maybe women should
start giving birth in stadiums.

Well, maybe they
should! (laughs)

Good luck getting
, guys to see that.

Yeah. You know what name
I've always loved? Laura.

It's simple, it's unpretentious.

Sloan? That's nice, too.

(imitates retching)

Tim just walked in.
He sends his love.

Yeah. If you need
anything, give me a call.

Bye.

It's a girl! It's a girl.

Carol is so happy. She
always wanted to have a girl.

They stayed up all last night
and painted the nursery pink.

Flat or semigloss?

Gee, somehow
that didn't come up.

Aw. (squeaking)

What's all that stuff?

Oh, it's some of the boys' baby
things. I'm gonna send it to Carol.

I'm hoping there'll be
something that will work for a girl.

Ohhh.

Look at the little
booties. They're so teeny.

(sniffs)

They're Brad's.

Oh, and the little
hat. And the bib.

Are you gonna send the
wittle bib to the wittle baby?

No, I'm keeping
this around for you.

Oh, my gosh.

Where'd that pink
blanket come from?

I made this when I
was pregnant with Mark.

Remember, I was
hoping for a girl?

I wanted a sweet little thing
I could cuddle on my lap,

with beautiful curly
hair and big bow in it.

You wanted to give
birth to a poodle.

It could happen.
Look at the father.

Maybe I should hold on to this.

Why would you wanna do that?

You never know.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Back the estrogen
express up, honey, huh?

I see... Wait a minute.

Your sister has a little girl,
now you want a little girl?

So? So?

Carol gives birth
to an elephant,

does that mean you
give birth to an elephant?

Great, that's just what I
want - pass a pair of tusks.

Ouch.

(moaning and
howling on television)

I thought you guys weren't supposed
to watch that Goosebump Theater.

Doesn't it give you nightmares?

Tool Time gives us nightmares,
and you make us watch that.

(chain saw buzzing,
man screaming)

Hey, he's going after those guys
with a Binford chain saw.

That's a chain saw and a
half. Good choice, ghoul.

Dad, aren't you a little old
to have a security blanket?

He got it when he
stopped sucking his thumb.

Maybe you'll recognize
some of the other stuff in here.

Oh, look, it's Brad's
training pants.

You used 'em last
weekend, didn't you?

What's this?

Randy's brain.

I'm sending your old
baby stuff to Aunt Carol.

Hey, wait a minute.
That blanket wasn't ours.

Your mom knitted this
when she was having Mark.

It's pink.

Mom must have known
Mark would be a girl.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Your
mother was praying for a girl

after she had you two buttheads.

Whoa.

Mom really wanted
Mark to be a girl.

Yeah.

I think we can have
some fun with this.

Oh, uh... Mark!

Come on in here.

What do you want?

Buddy... have a seat.

(sighs)

(sighs)

Well, we just found out
some awful news from Dad,

and we wanted to tell you
before you heard it from a stranger.

What?

Well, Dad told us that
when Mom had you,

she really wanted a girl.

You're lying.

He just showed us the pink
blanket she made for you.

He did not. You know
how she's always saying

she wants to bake with you.

And how she's always
taking you shopping.

She's pretending
you're her daughter.

Well, I just got off
the phone with Carol.

She's so excited. The
baby moved today.

Where to, that all-baby
condo downtown?

(horn honks) Hey,
boys, bus is here!

Ugh. Yuck!

How many scoops
did you use in this stuff?

. I'm making "Tim
Taylor More Power" coffee.

Arr.

Hey, I'll race you to Ann Arbor.

Hey, Brad! Yeah?

Brad, don't forget you have
a dentist appointment today,

and don't try to get
detention to get out of it again.

Ha. Like he has to try.

Hey. Mark, we're gonna make a
cake when I get home from work.

I'm not helping you.

How come? You
love to make cakes.

I'm never baking again.

What's with him?

I don't know,

but I'm sure gonna
miss his brownies.

Tim.

Tim.

Tim!

What? I love it. It looks good.

Your, uh... The hair, perfect.

New outfit? Thinner? Younger?

Thank you, but that's not it.

Remember what we were
talking about last night?

Oh, the baby. I won't bring it up
again, promise. I'm bringing it up.

Come on, haven't you thought about
how nice it would be to have a little girl?

No! We have all the kids
we can stand right now.

We never actually said that we
weren't gonna have another baby.

I've said it. I know
I've talked about it.

I mentioned it on Tool Time.

Oh, great. So
people know about it?

You remember babies at all?

Dirty diapers. Colic?

am feedings. am feedings. I don't
have the energy for that anymore.

You don't have the energy to say,
"Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"?

At this point in my
life, I don't have the

energy to say, "Wake
up, Jill, I want you."

So you're just shutting the door

on the whole idea
of having a baby?

I'm shutting the door.
That's your last word?

I've shut the door,
put a chest in front of it,

and there's a fat guy
sitting on it. What?

And he's holding
Al's mom in his lap.

As sure as a bear takes
reading material into the woods,

tools lose their edge.

That's why Al and I are
doing our Tool Time salute...

(grinding noise)

to sharpeners.

Before we get to the
meat of the show, though,

something happened at my
house today that got me thinking,

and I was wondering... Tim?

Didn't you promise this year
that you would stick to tools

and not get into
your personal life?

A promise is a
promise, isn't it?

But does this mean
anything to you at all?

So, I was hoping...

How would you like it if I
talked about my personal life?

When you get one,
we'll talk about it.

Right now, I'd like to talk
about women and babies.

What is the big deal? Women
and babies, babies and women.

If women gave birth to
cars, that would be a big deal.

You'd have guys lined
up in delivery rooms

seeing that stuff,
huh? (man) Yeah.

Imagine your wife delivering
a , -pound Ferrari. Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Slip it in gear, kiss your
wife, drive the baby home.

Can we get on with the show?

Let's introduce our
guest star tonight -

the Binford XJB bench grinder.

Three-quarter horsepower motor.

And it spins at a
manly RPM.

Arr-arr-arr.

(motor whining) Oh!

Now, you'll notice Al's
wearing safety goggles.

They not only protect his eyes,

but they give Al
that intellectual look.

If we can bring the camera over
here, I'll show you what Al's doing.

He keeps the a*
blade against the wheel

at a ° angle.

That helps retain
the original bevel.

And I don't know about
you, but I revel in Al's bevel.

There you are,
Tim. Sharp as new.

All right, there's ways
to see if they're sharp.

The first way...
(loud grinding noise)

Warn me when
you do that stuff, Al.

OK...

There we go. Sharp as new.

Gettin' a little
rough on that beard.

You want me to
trim it up for you?

I don't think so, Tim.

Come on, trust me, Al.

Based on what?

You know, I expected
that response out of you.

That's why the guys at Binford
and I came up with a special project.

Heidi, how about
that special project?

This is test dummy Al.

Here you go, Tim.

Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.

Every last detail
is the same as Al,

except he's a bit more animated.

Oh, that's beard's
a little rough.

You want me to
shave it for you? Sure.

All right, there you go. OK.

Of course I think I do all the work
around here. Thanks for saying so.

I'm your idol? Oh,
come on, buddy... Ooh!

Uh-oh. Cut a little deep.

Oh, whoa! Al, Al, buddy.

Can you do that, Al?

Mark, come on down and
have some cake with me.

I don't want any cake.

Don't tell me you've
given up eating cake, too?

It's angel food...

made with real angels.

Luckily they're in season.

I don't want any cake.

(typing)

Sweetie, why don't you
just tell me what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. And
don't call me "sweetie."

I always call you "sweetie."

That's because you
wanted me to be a girl.

Who told you that?
Brad and Randy.

Well, they're
grounded for a week.

Honey, you know better
than to listen to them.

They're always
trying to torment you.

You mean, you didn't
want me to be a girl?

Well... Well, maybe
a part of me did.

Oh.

But that doesn't mean I
wasn't thrilled to have you.

The minute I laid eyes
on you, I just fell in love.

All that matted hair,
little squished face,

wrinkled little body.

You looked just
like your father.

But you really wanted a girl.

Mark, do you remember
your fifth birthday?

Yeah. Brad and Randy made
me eat the candles on my cake.

So they're grounded
for another week.

Remember you wanted a dog,

and we thought that you weren't
old enough to take care of one,

and so we got you a turtle.

Even though you wanted the dog,
you really loved that turtle, didn't you?

Mm-hmm. Till he got
squished by the truck.

I'm sure he didn't feel a thing.

Anyway, the point is,

you wouldn't have traded
that turtle for the world,

and I would not trade
you for the world.

You wouldn't?

No way.

I've had a dozen offers,
at least, just today.

Would you trade Brad or Randy?

Like that.

(Wilson mumbles)

Dobry dyen, good neighbor. Huh?

That's Russian for "hi-de-ho."

I'm playing chess by mail
with a grand master in Moscow.

Got a minute? Tim,
I am your pawn.

Jill wants to have another baby.

Well, Tim, I'm not sure
I can help you there.

That's not the area I'm
having trouble with. Arr-arr-arr.

She... Her sister Carol
is having a little girl,

and I think it's
stirring stuff in Jill.

I think she'd like
to have a little girl.

Ah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm...
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And I get the feeling that
you're not happy about the event.

I like the things just
the way they are.

The house, the kids, Jill.

I have power tools.

So, what you're
telling me, Tim -

you feel your life is complete.

Yeah, in a manner
of speaking, sure.

Maybe Jill doesn't
feel the same way.

What's that supposed to mean?

I think what Jill is
after... is a legacy.

A Japanese car.

(laughs) That's a good
one, Tim. That's a good one.

A legacy. Something that's
passed down, like, generational?

Exactly, and that's what
you have with your sons.

You'll be able to pass on
your accumulated wisdom,

the things you've learned
about being a man.

We've already
started that, yeah.

Last weekend I taught 'em
all how to burp the alphabet.

Actually, I'm talking
about more than burping.

You see, Tim, what your
sons give you is immortality,

and I think maybe
that's what Jill wants -

to see a part of
herself live on.

So that's why she'd want a girl.

Thanks, Wilson.
You've been a help.

Do svidaniya, good neighbor.

Do-si-do to you, too.

Jill, there's something I
want to talk to you about.

Are you still talking to me? No.

I can respect that. So...

you just sit there
and listen, and I'll talk.

I think I know why
you want a daughter.

You want to be
immortal, like me.

You're immortal?

Long after I'm gone, the
boys will still be burping.

What?

But you don't have a Jill
Jr. To pass on girl stuff to.

Oh, girl stuff, huh?

Like cooking and
cleaning and doing laundry?

Don't forget darning socks.

That's a skill I'd
hate to see die out.

I'm kidding. What I'm
saying is if I can be immortal,

you should be able
to be immortal, too.

So, let's... let's...

let's talk about
having a daughter.

Are you serious?

Yeah. And then I could build
her a little Barbie Dream House.

And I'd remodel the
whole downstairs,

put in a rec room, a
little weight room for Ken,

a little back door for GI Joe.

Thank you, sweetie.

But you know what? I really
don't want to have a baby right now.

I didn't mean this minute.
No! I've been thinking about it.

The truth is that I don't really
have time in my life for it right now.

You know? I got
the job, three kids...

Well, four, including you.
Wait, wait. Excuse me.

What did you get so out of
joint this morning for? I was mad.

You made up your mind we
weren't gonna have any kids,

and you didn't care
what I felt about it.

You came out of nowhere with
this. Having a baby's a big deal.

It's up there with putting
in a new sprinkler system -

which we should
talk about. Tim...

Let me get this straight. You
don't want to have a new kid?

I don't want you to
rule out the possibility.

Well... how do you feel
about a sprinkler system?

Look, I just want to know
that we can still talk about this.

Why didn't you
just say it like that?

You wouldn't let me.

You shut the door and
put a big fat guy in front of it.

Holding Al's mom.

So, I should just
leave the door open?

I just want you to listen.

What would happen
if we had another boy?

The last thing in the world this
house needs is more testosterone.

It's practically dripping
down the walls as it is.

(growls) Yeah.

There's hair growing
on that wall right there.

(groans)

Oh, shut the blinds,

let the whole neighborhood know
there's something going on in here.

Come here, Mr. Immortal.

(grunts)

Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh.

Did you brush your teeth?

Tim, I just brushed 'em. Could
you brush 'em again, please?

And get that stinky
stuff way in the back.

Well, you've pretty
much k*lled the mood.

Wait till you walk in there.

Come on. I'm waiting, honey.

Well, I brushed, I flossed.

I hope that I don't
offend you this time.

So, Al, what are you doing here?

It's not Tuesday.

No, no, no, a miracle
is what happened

to the US Olynkic...
Olympic Hinkuskus.

It's not gonna happen.
It's not gonna happen.

Yes, it is. All right.

No, no, no, a miracle
is what happened

to the US Olympic Hoffey...