10x08 - Netflix & Pill

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Margarita on the house
for the old married couple!

Happy anniversary.

[ Distinguished accent ]
I thank you.

[ Taps glass ]
There. Excuse me.

This is our th anniversary,
and, uh, I get to talk.

She's finally coming out
of her shell. Quiet, everybody.

Shh.

Now, we're not
gonna sit here

and tell you guys
how great we are.

You're gonna do it!

I want somebody
to make a toast.

I'll do it.

Oh, pipe down, everyone.
Forrest Gump's talking.

I just wanna say
how amazing it is

to see a marriage
that lasts years.

And, Mom and Dad, you set
a great example for all of us,

and it's a pretty high bar.

I mean,
Darlene couldn't get over it,

and Becky's stuck under it,

and my marriage is --
it's not really a picnic.

I mean, my w--

Thank you!

Anyway, Mom and Dad,
happy th.

Oh, Becky, since you're
our waitress for this evening,

do you guys have any special
anniversary song here?

Nice try.
We only do birthdays.

-What a coincidence.
-Don't do it.

It's my birthday today!

Yay!

Hey, everybody!
It's Darlene's birthday!

She's !

[ To tune of "Happy Birthday" ]
♪ Feliz cumpleaños a ti ♪

♪ Feliz cumpleaños a ti ♪

♪ Feliz cumpleaños ♪

♪ A Darlene ♪

♪ iFeliz cumpleaños a ti! ♪

Ay-yi-yi-yi-
yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Thank you!

Ah.

So, are you guys doing anything
special for your anniversary?

You got to do something.

years -- I mean, people get
less than that for m*rder.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, I got it!

Wait, do you guys get points
on your credit card?

We get threats.
Is that the same thing?

[ Chuckles ] No, you get points
for every dollar that you spend.

It's like a reward.

You can use 'em for, like,
travel or to buy things.

Yeah, you can stay
at some nice hotel in the city

for your anniversary.

Put in
your password, Dad.

Let's see
how many points we have.

Well, this is
the credit card we used

to pay off
all the other credit cards,

so we probably got
a bunch.

We got enough for one night
at the Radford Suites,

with points
left over for --

[ Gasps ]

H-Hold me, Mama,
'cause I'm fit to bust --

a Honey Baked ham!

Did I mention
the hotel has a pool?

Like if you had a ham
and a room,

you'd ever come out of there
to swim.

[ Laughs ]

All right.
I'm booking it.

And, as my anniversary present
to you guys,

I'll babysit the kids.

It's not babysitting
when they're yours!

♪♪

[ Dan and Roseanne laughing ]

"Roseanne" is recorded live
in front of a studio audience.

Right,
we'll be there at : .

And it's our anniversary,

so I really want this
to be special.

I want to reserve the biggest,
nicest one you got.

Just like we had
on our wedding night.

Is that the hotel?

No, it's the ham people.

Oh.

We're picking one up
on the way.

Thank you. Thank --

You have
a Honey Baked day, too.

Hey, we got a problem.

Two, if you don't think
leftover Chinese food

belongs in an omelette.

My knee is k*lling me,

and a bunch of my pain pills
are missing.

[ Light rattling ]

This thing was,
like, half full.

How many did you take?

Just a couple for my back.

Are you sure you didn't take
more than you thought?

If I was taking
handsful of these pills,

I'd be
in a way better mood.

Have you noticed me
in a way better mood, Dan?

The only thing
I've noticed

is that I love you more
every day.

Sir.

Well, somebody
must have taken 'em,

so we have to find out
who it was.

We have a serious opioid problem
in this country.

Let's examine who else had
access to the narcotics!

Everybody in this house.

You know, back in the day,
I busted up a hashish ring

in the -- in the Model U.N.
down at the junior high.

[ Clears throat ]

It was Luxembourg.

[ Chuckles ]
It's always Luxembourg.

Darlene!

Good morning.

What brings you
to the kitchen?

I was
following a rainbow.

Uh, I just came down
for coffee.

Mm. Interesting.
Because you're groggy?

Unable to deal
with the real world?

Oh, my God.
Are you selling vitamins again?

Some of your mom's pain pills
are missing.

Oh, well, I don't
take pills of any kind.

I don't like to feel
out of control,

or I can't manage
my multinational empire.

How come there's sweet-and-sour
shrimp in the eggs?

You know, I don't think
I've noticed before --

are you wearing
eyelash extensions?

I literally
can't even afford ChapStick.

Oh.

Because your natural lashes
are fantastic.

Open up your eyes
real wide.

Hmm. No slurred speech
or pinpoint pupils.

Mom, what is this?

She's clean!

We're never gonna find out
anything like this, Rose.

There's been a ton of people
through this house.

Let's just hide the pills
in a safer place.

Well, that doesn't solve
my problem.

I can't get a damn refill
for two more weeks,

and my knee is
holding a g*n to my head.

Well, I could go
to my doctor

and tell him
my back's flared up again.

That's so sweet.

Tonight I'm gonna give your back
a reason to flare up.

[ French accent ]
Zut alors!

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hey, Crystal.

Hey!

Hey, everybody.

Guess what today is.

A fundraiser
for your dignity?

No, no, no.
You're such a stitch.

It's my last day
before I retire!

All right!

It's about time.

You've been working that saloon
since when, ?

Give her a break,
Roseanne.

There's a cattle drive
a-comin' through town,

and Miss Kitty wants her
to be real friendly-like

to all the cowpokes.

Laugh all you want,
but I'm about to start living

the best years
of my life.

I'm retiring from the casino
with full benefits!

-Full benefits?
-That's amazing, Crystal.

No one has that
nowadays.

I brought you champagne
for tonight.

Hey, Crystal.

Uh, I didn't know exactly when
the women's movement would end,

but now seems like
a pretty good time to call it.

Hey, Darlene,
you still looking for work?

'Cause if I recommend you for
my job, you're as good as in.

Aw, that's really sweet,
Crystal.

Did I mention the benefits
package includes mental health?

I just found out
I hate my mother.

Which is really weird
because I love my mother.

Wait, you have
full benefits?

If you don't want it, Darlene,
I'll take it.

Um, you know what?

I-I appreciate the offer,
but it's not really my thing,

so go for it, Beck.

If you don't feel like you're
betraying your Mexican heritage.

Are you sure you want
to turn that job down?

For full dental and medical,
I'd wear that dress.

Oh, well, you got to that
pretty quick.

Anything you want
to tell me, Dad?

I gotta be honest,
Darlene,

I don't know how you can pass
on a job with full benefits.

Uh, I have
some pretty good reasons.

Shall we start with
the riverboat-whore vibe?

Hey, you know who wasn't
too good to wear that dress?

One Mr. Bugs Bunny.

Dad, I still want to be
a writer.

I mean, I've gone from novels
to textbooks to menus.

If I take this waitress job,
I'm just giving up completely.

What are you gonna do
if your kids get sick,
write about it?

Well,
we managed so far.

You've been lucky.
One emergency can wipe you out.

You know what I'd give right now
to have full coverage

for your mother's knee?

Sometimes you just
gotta suck it up

and put your family first.

Okay.
You made your point.

Good.

I know a little bit
about how this world works.

Now,
if you'll excuse me,

I got to go
jam a sleep-apnea mask

and a seven-pound ham
into an overnight bag.

Good evening.

Checking in.

Points?

Last name?

Hilton.

Staying
under the name Conner.

Perfect.
I have you right here.

We have a superior deluxe room
with a view.

Ooh!
Were we upgraded?

Oh, no, sir.

"Superior deluxe"
is our lowest level room.

You have a mini-bar,

and you also have -hour access
to our business center.

Oh, great. I can't wait
'til we're checked in, Dan,

so we can get down there
to the business center.

Capital idea.

I need to fax a copy of my ass
to our associates in Singapore.

If I could just get
a credit card for incidentals?

For who?

The points cover the room,
but the card is in case

you want to order room service
or purchase a movie.

Oh, sure. I-I guess...
I'll just use this one.

Our platinum card's
in the shop.

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

Do I smell ham?

Hm.

I'm sorry, sir.
This card was declined.

Would you like to try
another one?

Uh, listen here,
my good man,

we won't be getting
any incidents,

so you can just skip
that part.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I can't check you in
without a credit card.

It's just the policy
of the hotel.

And every hotel
in the world.

What the hell's
this country coming to

when you need money
to get free stuff?

Let me tell ya
something,

I don't even want
to stay here now.

I just want to go home.

And if you saw
where we live,

you would know
what an insult that is.

Look at this.

This is not who I am.

It's what
you've made me!

♪♪

You know,
screw that hotel.

The two most important things
about our anniversary

are right here.

What, me and ham?

[ Laughs ]

I was gonna say
"liquor and ham,"

but I'm glad
you joined us.

And now...

[ Cork pops ]

...Mexican champagne.

Ooh!

It's pink.
I guess that's the salsa.

Does Madame approve?

Hells, yeah,
Madame does!

To the woman
who makes it a pleasure

to wake up
every morning.

Here's to you,
Little Debbie.

♪♪

-Yes!
-Who wants whipped cream?

Me.

Where are
my baby birds?

Just for the kids.

[ Groans ]

Hey, look.

When you connect the dots,
it makes a giant bean.

You couldn't tell that
without connecting the dots?

-Hey, chica.
-Hey, gringa.

So, while I have you alone
for a minute, um...

I've really been thinking
about it,

and I'd be pretty irresponsible
not to go after that job.

It doesn't work like that.

You can't say
you don't want a job one day

and then turn around
and say you want it.

Well, I see you're well-versed
in labor law.

I don't have
any other options.

You don't need this job.
You have a college degree.

Well, unfortunately,
Walmart has no more openings

in their English Lit
department.

You still have a better chance
of finding something than I do.

I don't know what to say, Becky.
I'm not doing this for me.

My kids need
medical and dental.

Don't you want them
to have that?

So because you have kids,

my problems will never be
as important as yours?

Oh, you're right.

Us single moms have had it
too easy for too long.

Uh, you might want
to get back there.

Harris found some dirty phrases
in the word search,

and now the little ones
are asking questions.

[ Roseanne laughs ]

Hey, my turn
to spin the bottle now.

Okay.

Ohh!

Oh!

[ Laughs ]

You got
to kiss the ham.

[ Laughs ]

I've kissed worse.

[ Laughs ]

Mmm! Oohmm!

[ Laughing ]

What's so funny?

[ Snorts ] Oh!

"Ham" is spelled the same way
frontward and backward.

[ Laughs ]

Wow.

Methinks the lady
hath been overserved.

[ Laughing ]

Arf!

[ Growls, barks ]

Are you growling at me?

Ruff!

I see how this is.

It's time to take this party
to the bedroom.

[ Laughs ]

Arf!

[ Growls ]

Down, girl.

Ham!

[ Growls ]

Oh!

I gotta tell you,

I don't even recognize
what it is we're doing anymore.

[ Laughing ]

What the hell, Rose?

You only had
a couple of drinks.

[ Laughs ]

Well, it's not my fault.

The champagne on the Vicodin
should say

"Do not take with label."

[ Laughs ]

But the good news is
my knees are gone!

[ Laughs ]

How could you possibly have
taken more Vicodin?

I didn't even get
the prescription yet.

Well,
you better get on it,

because my secret bottles
are running low.

Hey, you look like
my husband.

Hi.

Busy. Can't talk now.

I got an % tip
riding on this.

Wait.

Crystal called me.

Thank you so much
for not going after that job.

You don't have to
thank me.

I didn't want
to leave here anyway.

We just got
cream-filled churros.

It's an exciting time.

Okay. Um...
I won't thank you.

But I will give you
a gift.

[ Gasps ] Brochures?
Thanks!

I've seen these
at the bank,

but I never dreamed
of owning one.

Just read it, dork.

There's a program in
hotel and restaurant management

at U of I, St. Charles,
and I checked into it.

You qualify
for a state grant

because, luckily,
you're poor and old.

I work full time. I don't
have time to go to school.

But they have night classes,
or you can do it online.

Come on, Becky. You were
always so great in school.

I'm years old.

Okay, so in two years,

you can be a -year-old
waitress hustling for tips

or you can be a -year-old
with a degree

pulling down
almost six figures a year.

And look, between classes,
you can sit under a tree

and play guitar
with one friend of every color.

I gotta get back to work.

I'll think about it.

Okay.

Thank you.

All right, I think I have
one more thing to show you.

[ Sighs ]

I know you gave up
a lot for me, so...

I feel I owe you this.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Good morning.

Afternoon, actually.

You okay?

My mouth hurts.

That's because the tug-of-w*r
over the ham bone

took minutes.

When did that happen?

Right after you tried
to eat my pants.

Let's talk.

Not until I get a pill.
I'm hurtin'.

You want pills?

[ Loud rattling ]

I got pills.

Wow.

That's a lot of pills,
Dan.

I think
you might have a problem.

I do have a problem.

I found these pills
hidden all over the house.

Why don't you tell me
how big of a problem I have?

Well, you already admitted
you have a problem,

so that's your first step.

So now you should go
find a meeting.

Roseanne.

[ Sighs ]
Okay, I'm in pain,

so I take
a few extra pills.

It's not like
I'm a drug addict.

Really?

Who's Billy Kreski?

His mom gave those to me.

He got 'em when he got
his wisdom teeth out.

If it wasn't for me,

the kid might've got hooked
on pain pills.

You're hoarding pills,

you sent me out
for more,

you blamed the kids --
all lies.

years of marriage,

you've never lied to me
like this before.

Or have you?

No.

I just didn't
say anything

because we can't afford
the surgery.

And I got these pills

'cause I'm gonna be dealing
with this for a long time.

You don't have any idea
how bad it hurts.

Yeah, I do.
I got a bad back.

And when your back
goes out,

you lay on the couch
for two weeks,

and I wait on you
hand and foot.

You know what happens
when my knee hurts?

I do the cleaning,
the shopping, the cooking --

Fine!
I'll do all that.

Just show me
where the water bucket is

and the sponge
on the stick thingy.

I'll cut back.

No, you won't.

You're taking these
for more than pain.

Book the surgery.

[ Scoffs ]

Where are we gonna get $ ,
for the deductible?

Look, if it's between
you OD-ing

and me coming up with the money,
I'll figure out something.

In the meantime,
I'll give you one pill

"every six to eight hours
for post-operative pain."

What the hell?

Are You sure Marcy Bellinger
doesn't need these?

When you get new boobs,
compliments should be enough.

I got to take a walk.

I know
you can do this.

[ Door opens, closes ]

[ Groans softly ]

[ Sighs ]

Ohh.

Oh, boy.

[ Exhales sharply ]

♪♪

Here's your Crown and diet,
ma'am.

Thanks, drank skank.

Ooh, you forgot my lemon.

Would you be a dear?

When I get back
with a lemon,

are you gonna ask me
to bring you a lime?

I wouldn't want
to have to tell the manager

you mistreated me
on my...birthday.

I'll be right back.

♪♪

Excuse me, sir.

That blonde over there
asked me to give you her number,

and she loves
when guys send pics.

There you go.
Good luck.

♪♪