05x07 - Halloween IV

[bunniefuu]

Well, gee, Becky,

What kind of person
takes a job

Without finding out if they'd
get off for Halloween first?

Well, can't Mark
call in sick?

What do you mean,
"that's lying"?

Where were you raised?

No, I don't want him
to get fired.

Well, maybe next year, then.

Yeah. Me, too.

Bye.

[humming]

Hey Jackie.

Hi. Happy Halloween.

Listen, your mom's
really bummed out,

And I'm gonna try
and help her get back
her Halloween spirit.

You want to help?

Not interested.

I'd give you bucks.

Interested.

Okay. Here's the plan.

Now, we just want
to get a rise out of her.

So one thing that
usually always--

Please, Jackie, I think
I know how to scare my mother.

Hi.
Happy Halloween.

Did you see
the great pumpkin
last night?

No.
Dan wore pajamas.

Hey, Roseanne,
did you see that

Evidently in Nebraska,
where they grow corn

For...Uh,
various corn products,

There has been
a rash of farmers

Losing body parts
in threshing machines.

[gasp]

Oh, my god,
that's an ear!

Give it up,
Jackie.

Aw, man.
Oh, Jackie?

What did you do
with the inside
of the pumpkin?

I put it down
the garbage disposal.

That wasn't good?

Oh, no, Jackie,
that wasn't good.

Oh, man! Ugh.

Turn that light on,
will ya?

[screaming]

Oh, my god, Dan!
Oh, my god!

You want to hand me
that towel there?

Thanks.

You gonna be okay, honey?

Let me put it this way.

Aw, come on, Rosie.

I built that
great costume for us.

You'll play a few tasteless
pranks on people.

Everything'll be fine
once we get down
to the lodge party.

Mmm, I ain't goin'.

What?
This is our special day.

I mean, I know you're
upset about Becky, but--

It's not just Becky,
it's everything.

After what we've
been through this year,

I just don't feel like
puttin' on some stupid
costume and partyin'.

Say it ain't so, Rose.

I don't know,
just all of a sudden...

Mooning the retirement home

And stuffing dead fish
through people's mail slots

Just seems
somehow childish.

[laughing]

I know what you're doing.

What the hell
are you talkin' about?

Ah, man, this
is gonna be big.

So what's it gonna be,
like a prank
on the whole lodge?

Don't tell me.
I want to be surprised.

Oh, please let me
tell you, Dan.

All right,
all right, tell me.

No, don't tell me.
Okay, tell me.

Okay, here's a hint.

Um, it starts off with you
being really disappointed.

Oh, darn, I gave
away the ending.

Okay, I believe you.

Give me another hint.

How do I look?

Well, it's nice to see you
in a skirt for a change.

All right,
i'm out of here.

Hey, hey, hey, wait, your
brother's in the kitchen.

He needs a ride.

[sighs]

[knock on door]

Trick or treat.

All right, all right.

Man, you guys are real scary.
I'm sure scared here.

Okay, happy Halloween.

Nice night. See ya.

How come he can't
just get there by himself?

'cause you're his big sister.

You're gonna drive
him over there,

You're gonna wheel him in,
and then you're gonna
lean him against a wall.

Fine.
Then I'm out of there.

How am I gonna get home?

Your dad'll pick you
up after the lodge party.

Okay.
Let me here your line.

I ate his liver with some
fava beans and nice chianti.

Perfect. Let's go.

And remember, Darlene,

When you put him
in the back seat, face up.

[knock on door]

[knocking]

Whoa.
What grade are you in?

[echoing voice]
I am the ghost
of Halloween past.

Okay,
here's your snickers.

Do not toy with me,
Roseanne conner.

How the hell
did you get in here?

Tonight, the ghosts of halloween
past, present, and future

Will come to renew in you the
joys of the Halloween spirit.

You must come with me...Now.

Who's under that sheet?
Is that you fisher?

Do not look
under the sheet!

Well, you want me
to go with you, right?

How do I know that
you really are some

Evil and terrifying spirit
from beyond the grave

And not just some ordinary
creep, huh, casper?

Okay.
Look under the sheet.

[laughter]

I'll get my purse.

I want to know where
you're taking me.

You must travel back
to where it all began.

[sigh]
okay.

Wow. Cool trick.

You are now
at the center of all time.

You must travel back
years.

Well, I hope you have
a tram or somethin'.

As you shall see,

The spirit of Halloween
was with you from birth.

Hey, that's me in my
little bassinette.

There's mom
hovering over me.

You know, until I was
about , I thought

She was just some
huge, annoying mobile.

Lookit,
i'm in my bunny suit.

I hated
that bunny suit.

You love your little
bunny suit, don't you?

Yes.

Your first Halloween.
It's such a happy holiday,

Full of magic
and make-believe.

Man, she wasn't even
cool for the ' s.

Rosie?

[baby choking]

Sweetheart.

[baby coughing]

Roseanne,
are you all right?

Roseanne!
Oh, my goodness.

Al?
She's not breathing.

She's turning blue.
Al, call the doctor!

Al!

[baby laughing]

Though crude, this early prank
laid the foundation

For a brilliant career.

You shouldn't
eat that, Jackie.

Hey, you're not
the boss of me, Roseanne.

[laughs]
oh, right.

Why shouldn't I eat it?

Well, everybody knows
they put poison
and razor blades in those.

Better give it to me.

That's stupid.
That's not really true.

See? It's okay.

Well, I guess
you're right.

Aah!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You know what
the best part was?

I used to sell that candy
back to her later.

[big band]

And how could you forget,
it was Halloween

That brought a kindred
spirit into your life?

Hey, Roseanne.

Hi, cindy,
how's it going?

So what are you
supposed to be?

Oh, i'm Ginger
from Gilligan's Island,

You know, if they
never found the island.

What are you?

I'm a princess.

Oh, a princess.
I get it.

This is my date,
Dan conner.

How's it going?

Oh, yeah. Ginger if they
didn't find the island.

Great costume.

Thanks.

So, Roseanne, uh, why
aren't you dancing tonight?

Oh, I didn't feel
like it.

I'm just running
the apple bob.

Come on, cindy,
give it a try.

I'll
let you go free.

Well, all right.
Hold this.

What do you give me
to hold her there
a couple minutes?

[laughing]
what's so funny?

[Dan]
hee hee hee hee!

Oh, my god!

Gee, Cindy,
why so blue?

Do you really not
want to dance?

Depends.

Oh, he never knew
what hit him.

And so, Roseanne conner,

We have seen the importance
of the Halloween spirit

You have since abandoned,

And now we must return.

Well, wait, there's other
stuff I want to see,

Like, uh, this one time,
I took this coonskin cap,

And I put it
on my skateboard,

And i'd push it out
into traffic,

And yell,
"look out for my dog!"

[laughs]

I'd love to see
that twice.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

[knock on door]

It was only a dream.

I am the ghost
of Halloween present.

No, you're not.

You're some great big
piece of candy corn.

Geez, I get this
all the time.

Look, i'm a symbol
of Halloween.

Halloween, candy corn,
end of story, let's go.

Okay, but I hope
nobody sees us together

'cause i'm supposed
to be on slim fast.

it was a graveyard smash

he did the mash

it caught on in a flash

he did the mash

we did the monster mash

I'm sorry, Jackie. I'm not
going in the ladies' room.

You're just gonna
have to hold it.

I got to go sometime,
Dan.

Maybe you should just try
slowing down at the bar.

Don't tell me
what to do, Dan,

I'm doin' you a favor
just wearing this thing.

Oh yeah, like i'm sure
the real marie antoinette
drank so much beer.

So this is it?

You bring me
to the lodge?

Isn't there anything
about my life I could
learn...In hawaii?

Just watch and learn.

No, i'm not gonna
let you see Fisher.

You're gonna get ticked
off if he's talking
to that indian girl.

Fine, then angle me
towards the punch.

[growling]

Well?

Oh.

Ah.

Hey, honey, havin' fun?

Oh, I love being wedged
under dan's armpit

While you're hanging out
with Pocahontas over there.

She just came up
to say hello.

What was I supposed
to do, be rude?

You know that this plays
with a lot of trust
issues that I have.

This is about
last night, isn't it?

All I said
was I love you.

But it doesn't count
if you say it during sex.

What difference does
it make when I say it?

Because you're completely
out of control.
You'd say anything.

Do you want to know
some of the other things
that you said?

Hey, guys,
can I say something?

Dan, do you mind?
This is private!

Who wants
to shake my hand?

Aw, come on, somebody
wants to shake it.

[buzz]

Whoa! Whoa!

It's called a joy buzzer.

That was just me
playing a prank.

You know how roseanne's always
playing Halloween pranks.

Well, that
was one of mine.

That was a Halloween prank.

Got it, Crystal.

She do the
joy buzzer thing?

[buzz]

Ah, I sure
do miss Roseanne.

Me, too.

I thought she'd
be here by now.

Doesn't feel like
Halloween without her.

So is this the part where
i'm supposed to get all weepy

And say I wish I would've
gone to the party?

No. Don't you get it?

You've ruined the holiday
for all your friends.

They need you.

On the other hand, at least
we don't have to eat

Those godawful
pumpkin cookies she makes.

Boy, she bakes once a year.

You'd think it wouldn't
taste like grout.

Hey!

And you know, some
of those pranks of hers,

They aren't even funny,
they're just plain mean.

Yeah, but you
have to laugh
like they're funny,

Or she throws a tantrum,
acts like a baby.

I do not!
Defend me, Dan!

Hey, live with the woman.

Oh, i'm telling you.

Hey, what is this
supposed to teach me?

I'm sorry, you weren't
supposed to hear that.

Well, time's up,
let's go.

No, wait a minute.

You think I was so hard
to live with before, buddy,

Just wait 'til you get home.

He can't hear you.

Oh yeah?
Dan!

Woo, anybody else
get a chill?

[knock on door]

I am the ghost
of Halloween future.

Oh. Okay.

Come with me.

Where
are you taking me?

You are there.

You have already stepped
into the future.

Now you must see
what will happen

If you continue to deny
the Halloween spirit.

Remember when this used
to be the coolest house
on Halloween?

Yeah. Before Mrs. Conner
went through the change.

Happy Halloween, boys.

Trick or treat!

Wow. Mini-tooth paste.

And floss.

Now, you boys remember

That Halloween is a holiday
of fun and treats,

Not a celebration of satan.

[oven bell rings]

Excuse me, my game hens
are ready.

Man,
what happened to me?

Come.
You must see it all.

Remember, Darlene, there
is nothing like a game hen

For Halloween to really
please your man.

Yeah, i'm chopping
vegetables, mom,
just like you taught me.

Oh, my goodness, Darlene!

See?
It's just a joke, mom.

Remember? Jokes?

Darlene, there are
people on this earth

Who have chopped off
their arms

Who would not find that
at all amusing!

Roseanne,
i'm leaving you.

But why? Didn't I keep
the house clean enough?

Wasn't I a good cook?

It's not that. It's just
that...You bore me.

Don't leave me, Dan.

I try the best I can,
but i'm only a woman.

Aw, god, Dan,
leave her.
Leave her.

But, Dan, Dan, do you
have enough socks?

[car door slams]

Oh, my god, i've become
what I hate most.

Not yet.

You must go farther
into the future

To see where this path
will lead you.

I don't want to.

You grew to be an
elderly divorced woman

Living with
your spinster sister.

Oh, my god, i'm living
with Jackie?

I don't want
to see any more.

Come on, Roseanne.
We don't want to be late.

All right, Jackie,
i'm all set.

Why is my mother here?

That's not
your mother,
Roseanne.

That's you.

Aah!

Thank god,
there's still time!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Rosie, thank god!

Roseanne.

Yeah, hey, everybody.
Ha ha ha!

Well, I just couldn't
stay home one more second

Feelin' sorry for myself
when I knew that all

You guys were down here
missing me so much,

Saying such really, really,
nice things about me.

Yeah, you know how much
we love you, honey.

Yeah. You know, Crystal,

I brought a whole trunkload
of my pumpkin cookies for you.

And i've got somethin'
for you later, Dan.

Well, i'm so glad
you came, Roseanne.

Want to shake my hand?

Oh, i'll do that later.

But first I want
to show you all my torch.

Anybody got a light?

So, uh, this
the whole thing?

This is what we've
been waitin' for?

Oh, no, Dan, no.

This is what you've
been waitin' for.

[alarm sounding]

Happy Halloween!

Turn that light on,
will you?

[disposal whirring]
aah!

Oh, my god!

Roseanne! Help!

Oh, Dan! Oh, my god!

Oh, Roseanne!
Oh, my god!

Handball?

[man]
clear!

Stump the band?