05x03 - The Dark Ages

[bunniefuu]

[harmonica wails]

Darlene, how's
the laundry coming?

Oh, it came
about as far as
the living room.

Will it be coming to
the actual washing machine?

Eventually. I mean,
it's pretty whupped from
the first leg of its journey.

Darlene, I'd like
to take a shower.

It'd be nice to have a towel.
Let me just finish this.

No. You work
around our schedule,
not the other way around.

Ah.

You see, Becky worked
around your schedule because
she didn't have a life.

Fortunately,
you've raised me
to defy authority.

Now!

The fuehrer needs
a fluff and fold.
I got to go.

Oh, hell, look at this.
We got flyers again.

Spray and spray,
but they keep coming back.

Would you please
fold that laundry
and put it away?

Okay.

Any luck with
the job hunt?
Yeah.

Actually,
one place offered me
an executive position.

Unfortunately,
I'm allergic to
corn dog batter.

Pity.

However, my story
is one of success.

Today I fixed
a kid's bicycle chain
for five dollars.

Swimmin' pools,
movie stars.

What's for dinner?
Well, d.J.,

Even though mommy
was out all day
looking for a job,

She still had time to
plan tonight's menu.

Go through these pizza ads
and order whatever's for .

Did Becky call?
Yeah.

So what'd she have to say?
I don't know.
You'd have to ask Darlene.

How long is this
gonna go on, Dan?
She's called every single day.

So, what, you're not
gonna talk to her for
the whole rest of your life?

Hey. There's a new place
called final notice.

Give me that.

It's from
the electric company.
Oh!

They're cutting us off at .
Didn't you pay that bill?

Well, I had to choose

Between water
and electricity, Dan,

And you can only live
days without water.

Sure, I can take a bath,
but I can't throw
the toaster in.

Hello, this is
Roseanne conner,

I don't know.
A few months.

I can't believe
they're cutting us off after
the very first final notice.

Hello? Okay, I got
this kind of a warning

On my doorknob
from you guys,

Saying you're gonna
cut us off at , which is
in, like, about minutes.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, hey, I sent
a check in there.

It ain't my fault
if you guys didn't get it.

Well, no, I can't get
down there that fast.

Hey, I know.
You're there.

Why don't you write
a check, and then
I'll cover it on Monday.

I'm good for it.

We're screwed.

Okay, listen up,
family.

If anybody has anything
to do this weekend that
requires electricity,

You've got about
minutes.

Oh, rats.
And it way my turn
to vacuum the house.

I'll try to dig up
some flashlights
and candles.

I'm gonna watch tv.
[tv switches on]

Way to help out, son.

Well, I'd better
turn up the fridge.

[tv audio slows, stops]

Well, middle class
was fun.

♪ [theme]

[Roseanne laughing]

[Roseanne]
I can't believe that nobody
can figure what this is.

Here, I'll give you
one more clue.

Moo-oo!

A cow?
You got it.

Okay, here's
another one.

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Give me another clue.
It's a rooster.

"it's a rooster."
is it a cow?

I told you this was
gonna be fun.

Oh, yeah. Now let's
play lizzie borden.

I'm bored.

And stupid.
Don't forget
stupid.

All right, everyone.
More flashlight fun.

Everybody grab one
in each hand, turn 'em on,
and wave 'em around on the wall.

[Dan imitating rock music]

[Roseanne]
oh, look, it's...

It's a laser show
at the iron butterfly
concert!

All right, enough.

Hey, my
battery's dead.

Oh, no problem, d.J.
Get the one out of
the smoke detector.

That's dangerous, Darlene.
What if I need it
for the remote control?

Hey, Deej?
Forget the flashlights.
Come on down here, son.

You know, when
I was a kid,
my grandpa

Used to tell me
about when
he was a kid,

Before there was tv,

They used to sit around
and tell stories.

What kind of stories?
I don't know.
That was his best one.

But I bet your mom could
make up a good one,
couldn't you, honey?

Oh, okay, let's see.
Um, um, um, um, um,
um, um, um,

Um, um, um...

Ah! I got one.
Okay.

Well, once upon a time
there was these princesses,

And they lived in
this great, big house
all together,

And they never left,
okay?

And they just sat
around all the time
talking and talking

And yammering
and yammering,

And they k*lled
every single man who
ever came over there

Except for one,
who they kept as a pet.

And then one time,
these princesses left

And then these other
came on and they
really stunk, and--

Mom, that's designing women.

Oh, you figured it out.

Let me try to
make one up.
Go for it, son.

I'm in hell.

Okay, um,
there was this guy,

And he was walking
down the street,

And he kept walking.

Then he found something,
and then he lost it.

And there was this car
with a guy in it.

Then he got
something.

And there was
this dog,

And he was barking
because the window
was open.

Not so much
he could jump out,

But um...

The end.

Darlene...
I'm sorry,
but this bites.

Yeah, it really
kind of does.

Hey, I got an idea.
How about me and you,

Tomorrow we'll go do
something together,
something real special.

Like what?
I don't know.

Maybe we could go
soak up some electricity
down at the mall.

I don't do
the mall, mother.

Oh, come on.
It'd be a lot
of fun, you know.

Becky and I used to
go down there, okay,

And this one time...
[chuckling]

One time we were over
at rodvelle's, you know,

And we went in
and we stuck all
the mannequins' skirts

Right up their butt,
you know?

And then we went over
to hickory farms

And we squeezed all
the cheese logs and ran.

What do you say?
[knock at door]

Please let that
be child welfare.

It's about time.
Sorry.

Hey, Mrs. Conner,
Mr. Conner.
[Dan] son.

This is weird.
When are you gonna
have light again?

Oh. Just as soon
as the earth

Spins back around
towards the sun.

Okay, well,
we're out of here.

Whoa, whoa!
Where you goin'?

Upstairs,
to work on our comic.
Alone?

With no lights on?
I don't think so.

What do you think
we're gonna do?

If I think about it,
you're grounded.

No, I want you to stay
down here. If you want,
you can work in the kitchen.

What, and be distracted by all
the fun you're having in here?
I couldn't concentrate.

Keep running back in
every time I thought
of a new shadow puppet.

This is stupid.
Let's go.

Get back down here!
Come on!

Darlene...
David, which one of us
could hurt you more?

I'm not sure.

Dad, we're just gonna work.
Why are you assuming
something's gonna happen?

I mean, come on.
He's not Mark.

That's true, Dan.
Mark had a

Sexy kind of dangerous
thing going on.

This is David.

Yeah, okay.
Go ahead.

Okay, where were we?
Right here.

No, come on, David.
We've got to finish this.

Okay.
Uh, right.

Here's where you had
the skinless man pin
the moth woman alive

To the collector's board.

Hey, look at the size
of the moth woman's breasts.

So?
So they're huge.
They weren't like that before.

She was a caterpillar
before, for god's sakes.

Look at this.
All the women have
enormous breasts.

I just thought
they'd be more
interesting that way.

You're just
getting off on this.

I mean, look at
some of this stuff
you've got them doing.

I didn't write this sleaze.
Is this all you think about?

Yeah, I think about it.
Thinking about it
is all I can do.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Come on, Darlene.

We've been going out
for a while.

There's a lot of people that
have been going out for a lot
less and doing a lot more.

All right.
Well, let's do it
right now.

You know, you make it sound
like it's this bad thing,

When all I want to do
is get closer to you.

I thought, you know,
we're here and it's dark...

I thought maybe
we could mess around.

If I feel like messing around--
and I am extremely flattered
that you call it that--

Then I'll let you know.

Till then, chill.

Okay.
I'm sorry.

Let's just get
back to work.
Fine.

You can start by
erasing those.

And those.

And that.

Okay, does anybody
want anything?
Because I'm opening.

I need something
to wash down those
lean cuisines.

Oh, how about
green jell-o?

I'm your boy.
[door shuts]

Hi, guys.

Oh, you guys are
not going to believe

The time I had

At that singles dance
last night.

I haven't even
been home yet.

Not that I met anybody
or anything,

But Nancy and I
had a few, so...

I just decided to crash
at her place for a while,
you know,

Just for the night.

You ought to turn
the freezer up. It's getting
kind of warm in there.

Anyway...
Jackie, let me make you
some breakfast, okay, because--

Roseanne, I'm right
in the middle
of a story here, okay?

Anyway, the second
we walk in the door,

Nancy starts throwing
herself at any jerk

Who's wearing old spice,

Which leaves me
completely alone,

Having to fight off
this whole parade
of losers.

This one guy
actually said,

"you're under arrest
for stealing my heart."

It was priceless!
[laughing]

Pathetic!

I just want to...

See if any of 'em called.

Hey, there's a message
from you on here, Roseanne.

What do you need candles
and flashlights for?

Oh.

Well, we don't have
any lights,

But now we know
the speed of stupid.

How was I supposed to know
they cut your power?

Well, we thought maybe
the lack of electricity
might tip you off.

[ringing]

Hey, you want to
shut down that blender?
I can't hear.

Hello?
It's for you.

What, is it Becky?

I'm sick of making up
all these excuses
for you, Dan.

You want to hang up
on your daughter,
you hang up on her yourself.

Come on, Deej.
Let's go work off
that breakfast.

Uh, Becky.
Hi!

No! No, they're just
having a problem
with the electricity,

So he had to go,
um, change a fuse.

And they will probably
call you back in
just a little bit.

Okay? Sure.
Bye-bye.

Roseanne, this thing
with Dan and Becky
can't go on forever.

I know.
Sooner or later

They'll cut
the phone off too.

No, now, come on.

First things first.
How do we get
the electricity back on?

You pay the bill.

Good.
Good, good, good.

Okay, how fast can
they restore service?

Well, they said
if they got the cash
early enough on Monday,

Then they would turn
everything back on

Whenever the hell
they feel like it.

No!
That's not right.

I'm gonna make a call
and see if they can
get it on

Any sooner
than that.

Did you tell them
you have children?

Yeah, they don't want 'em.

Morning.

David, you're early.
Yeah, yeah,
I'm early.

I just got here.
I couldn't sleep at my house,
where I was before.

Well, I guess you had
kind of a rough night, huh?

Come on in, honey,
and tell me all
about it.

You are dead!
Mom, wait.

No, you wait!
Nothing happened, mom!

I trusted you.
What'd I miss?

We were working
on the comic book.
We hit this great roll.

We ended up
pulling an all-nighter.
That's all that happened, okay?

[door shuts]
ohh...

Hey, rose, did you...
David, you back again?

Don't you have
a home?
Yes.

Don't they
miss you there?
Yes.

First thing this morning,
there he is, knocking
on the door again.

You know, I think
you guys are seeing
too much of each other.

You should go home
now, David.

[opens door]
yeah.
Uh, good night.

I mean, bye.

Hey.
Hey.

Did you tell dad?
No.

You're much more use
to me alive.

Thanks for not going
psychotic on us.
Yeah, well, you're welcome.

I was just trying
to be a cool mom.

I appreciate it.
Yeah.

And as a cool mom,

I want to save you from
some of the embarrassment
that Becky went through,

So I'm just gonna go ahead
and bring this up first.

Bring what up first?

Uh, Monday we'll go
to the gynecologist

And get you some
birth-control.

Why?

Well, because I just don't
think I'm responsible enough

To be a grandmother yet.

Nothing happened last night.
I told you that.

Oh, Darlene, he spent
the whole night in your room.
I'm not stupid.

Yeah, well, neither am I.
First of all, I don't want
to have sex yet.

And second, you think
I'd do it with you
feet away?

Why not? You could do it
real quiet without us
knowing about it.

Really? You can't.

You mean you can hear us?

Last night I had to
tell David you were
moving furniture.

Well, fine. We're not
talking about my sex life.
I'm an adult.

We're talking about
your sex life.

I don't have
a sex life.

But if I did, I wouldn't
tell you, 'cause I don't think
it's any of your business.

And unlike your other daughter,
if I needed birth control,

I'd know how to
take care of it myself.

I don't need you
to hold my hand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why won't you just
let me do this?

Oh, I see.
This is for you.

Well, how about this?
We'll go get me
birth control tomorrow,

I'll go have sex with David,
and then we can celebrate
at the mall.

That should be
your perfect day.
Darlene...

Darlene,
you get back here!

Leave me alone.
I am just trying
to be nice, damn it!

What's going on here?
Nothing. Can I have some
money for a movie, please?

Sorry, all I have
is hundreds.

We're not done
talking, Darlene.

Fine. Then just anything.
Just a few bucks

So I can get out of this
stupid house and do something.

You're not going anywhere.
This discussion's
over, mother.

I'm not gonna relive some
gynecological bonding
moment you had with Becky.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You want to tell me what
we're talking about here?

I'll tell you later.
No, let's tell him now.

Mom wants me to
go on the pill
because Becky had sex.

I don't think
that'll work.

I don't think that
this is the proper time

For you to discuss this
with your father, Darlene.

Why not? I have
nothing to hide.

David never left
last night.

We stayed up all night long
working on the comic book.

I'm sorry. I screwed up,
but I didn't sleep with him.

[seething]
calm down.
I'm handling this.

No, I'm handling this.
There's nothing to handle.
Don't you listen?

Yeah, I heard.
And I'll be damned

If I'm gonna let this
happen twice.

You are not gonna
see David again,
do you hear me, Darlene?

I don't believe this.
You guys are treating me
like I'm Becky. I'm not Becky.

I don't go to the mall
like Becky, I don't do
great laundry like Becky,

I don't love school
like Becky, and I don't sleep
with my boyfriend like Becky!

So what are you
getting at, Becky?

What I'm getting at, mother,
is I'm stuck here,

So I'm paying for
how she screwed up.

But if you guys have a problem,
you deal with Becky.
Leave me out of it.

[door slams]

Remember how excited
we were when she first
learned to talk?

Think she's
telling the truth?

Well, if she went to
all the trouble of
saying it in front of you,

I guess she'd
have to be.

You should have
told me, Roseanne.

I don't even know
what I can tell you
anymore, Dan,

And what I can't tell you,
'cause you already got one kid
that you won't even talk to.

Well,

Stuff happens around here,
I should know about it.

Okay.

Well, brace yourself.

The kids can hear you
having sex.

[line ringing]

[Becky]
hello?
Hey, Beck.

Dad?
Yeah, it's me.
How you doin'?

I'm good.
How are you doin'?
[mouthing words]

I'm okay.
Good to hear your voice.

Yeah, it's good to
hear your voice too.

So, how's mom?

She's fine.

So I heard it was...
Really cold up there
last week,

And I was just wondering
if your landlord put in
the storm windows yet.

No, I don't think
we have them, dad.

Well, that's crazy.
You're gonna freeze.

Okay, listen.
Here's what you do.

Just go down to
any hardware store,
and you get this stuff--

Plastic window insulator.

You want the indoor kit,
not the outdoor kit.

Okay, Beck?

Now, all you do
is you fit the plastic
to the size of the window.

Listen, dad,
I don't know much
about this stuff.

No, no, honey.
It's not that hard.

You just shrink the plastic
with a hair dryer. I know you
know how to use one of those.

Dad, maybe you should
be talking to Mark
about all this stuff.

Yeah, ok...
Okay, put him on.

Okay.
Hang on.

[Mark]
hey, Dan.
Hey, Mark.

How's it going?
Fine, and you?

Real good. Listen, I was just
talking to Becky about, um,

You guys should have
a plastic window insulator.

[Jackie humming]

[ humming "there's no
business like show business"]

Give me that!
No.

Come on, I want it.
No.

Give me it.
No. No.

Come on, no!
Give it, then!
Give it!

Give it!
Come on!
[laughing]

What's going on?
Aah! Aah!