02x21 - Where There's Smoke, There's Rhoda

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make it
all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
no need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Got any more toast?

Rhoda, you ate half a
loaf of toast already.

Well, mary, I'm eating a lot of toast
because I'm not allowed bread on my diet.

- Don't you have to be at work?
- Mm-mm.

I worked late last night, so I don't
have to be in till late this morning.

Boy, why is it that whenever I work late,
I gotta get up early the next morning...

To catch up with all the work I
made for myself the night before?

Mar, I don't know why
you're so conscientious.

I mean, you could fake it a lot easier
than I can. Yeah? What do you mean?

Well, when you get behind in
your work, who could tell?

When I get behind in my work, there's
a window full of naked dummies.

[ Sirens wailing ]

Those fire engines sound like they're
coming right down the street, don't they?

Hey, they are! No kidding!

Hey, rhoda, they've stopped
at the house across the street.

Look. There must
be a fire there.

Wow. Would you look how organized
they are? Everybody doing a job.

Hey, mar, is our toast burning?

No, rhoda, our building
is burning! What? No!

Look! They're coming inside!
Mary, let's get out of here!

Wait! What... What'll i...

Okay. Listen... Mary! Mary!

I don't know what to take.
Well, I know what to take. I know.

You take yourself and
you don't ask questions.

But, rhoda, everything
I own is in here.

Please! We don't have
time! Come on! What'll i... Oh!

Is it in here? It must be
up in the attic then. No, no.

It's in the attic. There's no
attic. That's my apartment!

Sorry. You can't go up
there. That's my apartment!

Is anybody up there? No. The only
person up there is me, and I'm here.

All right. It's in the attic.

Listen, just keep a clear head
and clear out of the house.

Will you, please? All right, yeah,
right, sir. Hey, don't have to use that ax.

The door's not locked.
It just... [ Wood crashing ]

Sticks a little.

Come on, mar, come on.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Come back again sometime.

But not on business.

Three-day week, huh?

Yeah, we work three days and we're
off three days, and I go to law school.

I thought you guys
were just firemen. Oh, no.

Harvey's a medical student.
He's gonna be a surgeon.

No kidding. Which
one is harvey? Yeah.

One with the ax.

Will you remind me never to
let him take my appendix out?

Would you like some more
coffee? Oh, no, thanks.

I have to get back to
the firehouse and study.

Listen, I'm sorry we couldn't
save any of your things.

Hoo! It's really a mess up there.
It could've been a lot worse.

[ Siren wails ] I guess
that's for me. I better go.

Oh, listen, why don't you drop
over on your next three days off?

Yeah, maybe I'll do that. You really
have a terrific attitude about this.

Oh, well, I guess a person's true nature
comes forth through times of adversity.

Yeah. Listen, I'll see ya.

Oh, yeah. Bye.

Boy, is he cute.

Rhoda, everything you own has just been
wiped out. How can you think about men?

Beats me.

I constantly am amazing myself,
mar. What about fire insurance?

No, I don't think I
could get any now. Nah.

What happened? I just saw
firemen coming down the stairs.

- Yeah, well, phyllis,
there's been a fire.
- A fire?

- How bad? Where was it?
- It was in rhoda's apartment.

I might have known.

Oh, don't worry about me,
phyllis. I'm perfectly fine.

Yeah, well, I can see that.

Well, as the manager of the
building, I better go look at it.

Honest to pete! Go
right on in, phyllis.

The door's... Open.

Hey, rhoda, I just happened
to think about something.

What about clothes? Do
you have anything left?

Nothing. Even my
underwear went up.

You mean all you've got is
your robe and nightgown?

Nope. Just a robe.

Well, listen, you're welcome
to take anything of mine.

Really. Thanks, kid.

Okay, rhoda, how'd it happen?

What'd you do, leave the
apartment with the iron plugged in?

Uh, phyllis, the firemen said it was
started by a faulty refrigerator cord.

Oh, was it? Careless
of me, wasn't it, phyllis,

To leave the apartment with
my refrigerator plugged in.

[ Sighs ] all the inconvenience!

I have to fill out all
the insurance forms.

I have to have the whole place
repainted. I have to buy a new door.

Why does everything
always happen to me?

I am really sorry for
you, phyllis, really.

Compared to all that, the fact
that I don't have a place to sleep...

Or a stitch of clothing to
wear... Hey, hey, wait a minute!

What is this, "I don't have a place to
sleep?" You'll stay with me, of course.

Oh, no, mar. I'm
going to a motel.

Absolutely not. There's plenty of
room here. You're staying with me.

Mary, you know how often friends
staying together works out? It doesn't.

Rhoda, I don't care. It's only gonna
be for a couple of days. I insist.

Well, okay, mar.

Okay. Thanks.

Of course, rhoda, dear, you know
you're always welcome to stay with us.

Oh, am i?

Thank you very much, phyllis.
You know, one of these days,

I'm gonna take her up
on one of those phony

Offers she makes, just
to see what she'll do.

[ Phone rings ]

Hello. Murray, hi.

How nice to hear from you.
Where are you calling from?

Uh, work?

Work! Uh, no,
murray, I'm not sick.

There was a fire in rhoda's
apartment. Uh, no, she's fine.

I'm a little
depressed. Will you...

Listen, does mr. Grant
know I'm not in yet?

Uh-huh. Well, tell him that
I'm leaving... A little while ago.

Good-bye. I completely
forgot about work.

How could anybody forget about...
Work! I forgot about work too.

It's not so bad for you. It's
your late morning. Not that late.

- Mary, what am I gonna wear?
- I told you. Take something of mine.

See you later. Listen,
thanks a lot. You're a doll.

Oh! Seven, seven...

Seven! Fine, seven! [ Scoffs ]

Last time I wore a seven was on
the back of my softball uniform.

Hi, murray, gordy. Hi, mary.

[ Phone buzzing ] how does he know
the minute I walk in the door?

He doesn't. He's just been buzzing
every five seconds for the past hour.

[ Buzzing continues ]

I'm sorry, mr. Grant. No,
no, mary, I understand.

There's always some
excuse for being late.

You oversleep,
you have a flat tire,

There's a fire in
rhoda's apartment.

But the point is, mary,
this office is like a machine.

A big, complex machine.

One missing bolt, and the
whole thing breaks down.

Well, mr. Grant, I'll be glad to
stay late tonight and make up...

Not necessary. We've all been
pitching in and covering for you, even me.

Oh, mr. Grant, I'm sorry. Hey, did
you have to do the program logs?

No. Gordy's out
there doing that. Oh.

I, on the other hand,
made the coffee.

Well, well! How... How is it?

Not good.

It's sort of, shall
we say, thick.

I'm just using this for thinner.

Mr. Grant, that machine
is a little tricky out there.

Why don't... I'll just... I'll
go make you another pot.

Um, take your time.

Here you go, mary. Your
completed program log.

Oh, gordy, thanks.
That's so nice of you.

Sure. What's all that?

These are your
incompleted program logs.

These things are hard to do.
Took me two hours and five minutes.

- That long, huh?
- Well, I spent the first hour
just learning how to type.

[ Ringing ]

Newsroom. Oh, hi, rhoda.

No! Listen, I told you.
Take anything you want.

What did you decide to wear?

Oh, that one, huh?

Did you take the price tag off?

Uh-huh. Listen, I gotta
get back to work.

What? Gee, I don't know what
time I'll be home. I guess 7:00, 7:15.

Something like that. Why?

Oh, well, listen, don't
worry about dinner.

Oh. Well, okay. I won't
be late. All right, bye.

You sure that wasn't
my wife? Or mine?

Well, it's just for a couple
of days, till her place is fixed.

Good, 'cause once
you get past bunk beds,

Nobody should have
a roommate. [ Chuckles ]

You know what's missing
to make this complete? No.

Khaki sheets.

Mary, where do you
tuck anything in anyway?

Ah! Now, see, there's
a little trick to that.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You know what
the little trick is?

There should be a little
mattress on this. Great.

Boy, does this cot take me back.

To what? Summer camp.

Oh. Hey, rhoda,
I'll tell you what.

Why don't I sleep on the
cot tonight? No. No, mary.

I am not putting you out of your
bed. You won't be putting me out.

Really. It'll...
It'll... Be fun.

Mary, I will sleep on
this hard little cot,

And you will sleep on the
incredibly comfortable bed.

Okay, I'll tell you what. Why don't I
sleep on the hard little cot one night,

You sleep on the
incredibly comfortable bed.

And then we'll switch
around. How does that sound?

Okay.

All right. Who will sleep on
the hard little cot tonight?

Well, since you want
to so much... Right.

Well, here goes.

You mean it's lights out
already? Mar, it's only 11:30.

Well, there's the difference. You're
a night person, I'm a night sleeper.

But go ahead. The light
won't keep me awake.

No. You'll never fall asleep.

Yes, I will. Rhoda, will you wait
a minute? I can go to bed early.

Now be honest. If you were up in your
own apartment, what would you be doing?

I usually watch television. So?

Hey, there's a w.c. Fields
film festival on tonight.

Terrific. You'll watch the
television, and I will go to sleep.

No, mary, I won't.
It'll keep you awake.

Wrong! Just stick this in your ear
and you can listen to the television,

And I won't hear it.
Well, now, that'll be fun.

I can watch it in bed. Yeah.

[ Clicks ]

Hey, my new nightgown
really looks nice on you.

Yeah, doesn't it? I hope
you don't mind my wearing it.

Oh, no.

Well, good night.
Good night, mar.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Okay.

Oh, mary, the light from
the tv's gonna keep you up.

Oh, no, it won't.
This is no good.

I got it.

- Rhoda, you don't
have to do that.
- Mary, this is fine.

This is really gonna work good.

Uh, rhoda, what is
going on under there?

I'm just adjusting
the antenna, mar.

There.

[ Loud laughing ]

- What is it?
- I'm sorry, mar,
but this is so funny!

- What's happening?
- W.c. Fields is sawing
charlie mccarthy in half!

Oh. I'm sorry, kid.

I'll laugh quieter.

[ Snickering ]

Good morning, mary.
Good morning, murray.

How come you're walking funny?

What do you mean, walking funny?

Hey, mary, how come
you're walking like that?

I'm just a little
stiff, that's all.

What's the matter,
your earrings too heavy?

Ha ha ha ha.

I slept on a cot last
night. How come?

- Because rhoda
slept in my bed.
- Uh-huh.

Well, it's not that
bad, sleeping on a cot.

You don't have to
tell me about cots.

I slept on one for two
years in the service.

You know, they make
'em that way on purpose.

Then when you get up at 5:30 in the
morning, you're glad to be gettin' up.

Okay! Everybody into my
office. We're having a meeting.

Okay, on my way
up in the elevator,

I suddenly had this terrific idea
that could solve a lot of our problems.

The more I thought about it,
the more brilliant I knew it was.

Now, what I wanna
do is share it with you,

Get your ideas, sort
of pick your brains.

Hi, guys.

Well, it looks like somebody forgot
to tell me there was a meeting going on.

- Nobody forgot, ted.
- Oh, good.

Okay.

As I was saying, I
had this terrific idea.

[ Phone ringing ] I want to
give it to you in a nutshell...

While it's still
fresh in my mind.

[ Ringing continues ] isn't anybody
out there gonna get that?

Well, mr. Grant, everybody
out there is in here.

Isn't anybody in here
gonna get that, mary?

I'll get that, mr. Grant.
Good. We'll wait.

Newsroom. Oh, hi, rhoda.

Listen, can I call you back?

Uh, rhoda, I did wake
you up this morning.

Listen, I'll call you back...

Rhoda, you told me you didn't
have to be in until late this morning.

Well, how am I supposed to
know you lie when you're sleepy?

Uh, listen, rhoda, I've gotta...

Rhoda, I'm sorry you got
in trouble with your boss,

But I am gonna get in trouble
with my boss in about two seconds...

One second. Rhoda,
I'll call you back.

It's just rhoda. I'm sorry.

- Are you sure you're finished?
- You shouldn't make
personal calls...

When there's an
important meeting going on.

I didn't make the call, ted.

Good. Then I'll start.

Again.

Now, where was i?

You were about to
give it to us in a nutshell

While it was still
fresh in your mind.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

- Your idea, lou.
- Your terrific idea.

Yeah.

Go ahead, mr. Grant.

I'm trying to go ahead.

Can't you remember what you were
gonna say? You know what they always say.

If you can't remember what
it is you were going to say,

It couldn't have
been very imp...

Mr. Grant, it just slipped
your mind for the moment.

It'll come right back.

It didn't.

Probably forgot because
of that phone call you got.

Uh, mr. Grant, where did you say
you were when you got the idea?

- In the elevator.
- Well, good! See? That came back to you.

Uh, now you're in the elevator.

You're riding in the elevator.

Yeah.

- Were you going
up or down, lou?
- [ Screams ]

I almost had it!

All right, all right! Everybody
back to work! Meeting's over!

Short but sweet. That's what
I always say. Short but sweet.

Uh, mr. Grant, did it have something
to do with, uh, raising our ratings?

No.

- Well, was it more
of a studio thing?
- No.

- Uh, salaries?
- No.

Was it vacations? No.

Did rhoda's phone call
make you forget? Yes.

Would you accept my apology? No.

Hiya, mar. Hi.

Sorry I'm, uh, late, but, uh,

I had to stop and pick
up the groceries for...

Dinner. Mary, you just relax.

Let the super chef
take care of dinner.

Well, gee, rhoda,
thanks for pitching in,

But couldn't you have told me?

Oh, I wanted to, mar, but I
wanted it to be a surprise.

Well, it certainly is.

Boy, you're really going
to town in there, aren't you?

Oh, mary, it's such fun to
have a whole kitchen to work in.

Have you ever tried roasting
a turkey on a hot plate?

- Is that what we're having?
- No. No.

You know, rhoda, I usually find,
because it's such a small kitchen,

That it's easier,
you know, for me,

If I sort of wash the
dishes as I go along.

That's what I love about us.
We're so totally different.

Well, I guess I'll just
go wash... Up. Okay.

Hey, listen, I left some
things soakin' in the sink.

Oh, well, I'll just,
uh, use the tub then.

Watch out for the goldfish.

- Gotcha!
- Oh!

Hey, mary, where do you
keep your horseradish?

Horseradish? I don't have any.
Can you use something else?

No. It's gotta be horseradish.

- Yoo-hoo!
- Do you have any horseradish?

Isn't that kind of a strange
way to greet somebody?

Hello. Do you have
any horseradish?

Yes, but not on my person. Now,
where's mary? Oh, she's washing up.

Phyllis, since I'm up to my ears
in pots and pans here, yes, I see.

Well, I thought maybe you
would run down and get it for me.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You might have
mary jumping for you, rhoda, but not me.

If you want horseradish, you
just go down to my apartment...

And you tell bess that phyllis
wants her to show you where it is.

Yeah, all right.
Thank you, phyllis.

You see that pot on the stove?
Give it a stir every so often.

- Where's the spoon?
- Stir it with your nose.

Uh, how about strong mustard?

Doesn't anybody
say hello anymore?

- Where's rhoda?
- She went down to my place
to get some horseradish.

- Oh.
- She is incredibly messy,
isn't she?

No, she's not. She just
overslept this morning, that's all.

Hey, phyllis, when is her
apartment gonna be ready?

Oh, um, three or four days.

Three or four days?

Mary, do I detect a slight
note of desperation?

No. No, not at all.

Well, just remember, if she gets
too unbearable, you can always...

Phyllis, I am not gonna
send her to a motel.

A motel? Who said
motel? Though...

[ Laughs ] heaven knows it
wouldn't be a first for her.

I got it. Hey, mary, I
would've done that.

Oh. Bess found the
horseradish like that.

I mean, it was right there in the
horseradish department of the refrigerator.

That phyllis, oh, she is
so organized, you know?

Doesn't that drive
you crazy? Uh, no.

There. That's it.

- Soup's on.
- What are we having?

Mary, I do not deal
in cute little phrases.

- I said, "soup's on."
- We're having soup?

Yeah. My mother's famous
chicken and horseradish soup.

Come on, mar, sit down. Okay, listen,
rhoda, since you made the dinner,

I am gonna do the dishes.
Oh, no, no, no. This is my night.

I'm gonna take care
of the dishes too.

First thing tomorrow morning.

Not, uh, right after dinner?

Nah. It's easier if you
let 'em soak all night.

[ Water running ]

[ Clatters ]

I said I'd do 'em
in the morning!

[ Ringing ]

[ Clears throat ]

Hey, uh, rhoda?

Hiya. Oh. Hey, what
are you doing?

I am going to a motel. Oh, I hope you
don't mind. I borrowed your suitcase.

- Rhoda, no!
- All right, I won't
borrow your suitcase.

I... No, I don't want
you to go to a motel.

Mary, please. My apartment's not
gonna be ready for another three days.

How long can we continue
this oscar and felix routine?

Rhoda, you are
not going anywhere.

Mary, listen, listen. I
gotta level with you, kid.

You drive me crazy.

I drive you crazy? Yes, you do.

Yes. First of all,

There's all that
cheerfulness in the morning.

"Good morning! Rise
and shine! Up and at 'em!"

It's like living
with dinah shore.

Well, I'm very sorry... And
then there is this business...

Of you being a neat freak.

- A neat freak?
- Yes, like last night,

Up in the middle of
the night doing dishes.

- Who could live
with a dish elf?
- Look, rhoda...

You wanna know the real
reason you drive me crazy?

Yeah.

Because I know I
drive you crazy.

Oh, hey, rhoda, is that...
Listen, you don't drive me crazy.

Mary, please. I have
been nice enough to

Tell you how impossible
you are to live with.

You might at least extend
me the same courtesy.

Okay, you drive me
right up the wall.

Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute. You don't
have any clothes. I know,

But it looks bad to check
into a motel empty-handed.

Well, kid, this is it.

Farewell, good-bye...
Oh, will you cut that out!

Oh, are you... Are you leaving?

Yes, phyllis, yes. I am leaving.

Oh, any particular reason?

Yes, phyllis, yes. We have
driven each other crazy.

[ Rhoda ] yes, that's it.

I am going to a motel
until my apartment is ready.

I've already called and
made the reservation.

Bye, kid. Thanks. Good-bye.

'Course you're always
welcome to stay with us.

Thank you. I'd love to.

What? I accept. I would
love to stay with you.

Yes! Oh, it'll be wonderful.
I am staying with you...

Until my apartment
is ready, right?

Oh, what fun. Come on, roomie.

Let's get to know each other.

[ Knock on door ] come in.

Good morning. Happy sunday.

- Hi. Well, you're certainly
in a good mood, aren't you?
- Uh-huh.

How'd the date go with
your fireman-hyphen-lawyer?

Oh, great. Boy, is he cute.

We went to see
gone with the wind.

He's never seen it before.
Yeah? How'd he like it?

Fine, but during the burning of
atlanta, I had to hold him in his seat.

Hey, that's a great-looking
outfit. Didn't I tell you?

I got a check from the landlord's
insurance company. So soon?

Yeah, but they only paid me
half of the value of my clothes.

- Oh, that's terrible.
- No, it isn't.

I told 'em they were worth
twice as much as they actually are.

That's terrible.

[ Mews ]