06x17 - Wilson's World

[bunniefuu]

[coughing] We'd like to welcome you
back to Men's Cooking Week.

And apologize for the hasty end
to our flamb‚ demonstration.

Never soak your peaches in jet fuel.

- Who would have thought?
- Obviously not you.

Everyone knows the most
important words in the kitchen

for a real man are ''can opener.''

On the contrary, l often enjoy cooking
an elaborate home-cooked meal.

lt's no surprise to find out
the real man does just the opposite.

lt might be a surprise
to find out there's innovative chefs

in Michigan coming up with
very creative combinations of food.

Right. For example, this taste-tempting
beverage is a combination

of two well-known ingredients.
lt's called ''Broccoloupe.''

All right, let me guess.
Broccoli and antelope.

This can actually graze on itself,
which is interesting.

This is broccoli and cantaloupe.
And it's mm-mm good.

Hmm. While this is working
its way through Al's system,

let me tell you
about the company that makes

this drink that combines
fruit and vegetables called Vruit.

They get my ''vrote.''

Now we'd like you to meet one of the
innovators in Michigan food industry.

He's been combining unusual foods for
years. Give a warm welcome to Ray Pleva.

[applause]

- Ray, welcome aboard.
- Tim.

OK, well, we're gonna see
what's the latest invention

- from the Ray Pleva kitchen.
- Something really unique.

[gasps]

lt's a hamburger, Ray.

What else did you invent down there?
Rock and roll? Shoes? Clouds?

No. Just this.

Well, actually, Tim,
this isn't a regular hamburger.

Ray has mixed his beef with one
of Michigan's finest resources.

Motor oil?

No, cherries.

Cherries and beef. You know, l have a
lot of creative cooking ideas myself.

l bet l could combine some
unusual foods into a tasty treat.

Hmm. l bet you l could
come up with kookier combinations.

Well, it might be kookier,
but it wouldn't be edible.

Yeah? What do you say we
hone our recipes over a week

and have a showdown
right here on Tool Time?

- How does that sound to everybody?
- [applause]

Well, l... l have to remind you, Tim,
that l am a classically trained chef.

You don't need to be trained.

lt's putting ingredients together.
Any idiot could do that.

Thanks a lot!

Well, l wasn't talking
about your hamburgers.

We haven't taken a bite.
Let's try it out.

Yeah. Dig in.

- Mm.
- Mm!

Fruity, yet beefy.

Just like Al.

- [doorbell ringing]
- [Wilson] Coming.

- Hi.
- Well, hidy-ho, neighborette. Come in.

To what do l owe this delightful visit?

l'm an idiot. l forgot to buy salt.
l need to borrow some for my chicken.

Oh, and Tim needs some squid.

Oh, it's for his
cooking contest... thing.

Oh, oh, oh.
Well, l never keep salt in the house.

But l got squid coming out my ears.

Wilson, l don't mean to get personal or
anything, but why are you wearing that?

Well, l know it's a tad unusual, Jill.

But l just love the feel
of a nice terry cloth.

- Oh! The helmet!
- Yeah.

This is a prop l'll be using for my
upcoming show at Wayne State University.

Really? You're performing?

Yes, l am, for the annual
arts festival this Friday.

l'll be performing
at the campus coffeehouse.

l'm gonna be doing
a monologue on my life.

This is so perfect. l mean,
your life has been so interesting.

Now everybody else
gets to hear about it.

Well, it's a little bit scary,
but l'm gonna bare my soul.

l'm gonna start off with my tale
of a jousting injury in Scotland.

l'm gonna segueway into the summer
l spent observing the mating habits

of the mountain gorillas.

- Cocoa and Herman.
- Mm-hm.

Yeah. Nine-and-a-half weeks
of monkey love.

Jill, would you
and your family like to attend?

The most talented artists
in Detroit are gonna be there.

Well, of course. We'd love to come.

Oh, you gotta remember to tell them
about when you played craps with Gandhi.

Oh, what a night.
The Mahatma lost his shirt.

Well, here's your squid.

Tell Tim if he wants really fresh ones,
l got them upstairs in the tub.

[jazz playing]

Watch your wallets.

Do you have reservations?

Lots of them.
But my wife made me come anyway.

lt's under Taylor.

- Oh.
- Come on, guys. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Mom, these people look kind of weird.

Well, they may look a little odd,
but deep down,

- they're no different than you and me.
- Excuse me.

Are you interested in helping to
overthrow regimes in the Third World?

l'm eleven.

Attention, everyone. The Campus Cafe
Arts Festival will now begin

with our hostess, Elzina Harris,

who will inspire us
with her life-affirming poetry.

Die. Die!

Die!

Go on, die!

You first.

And now the country folk stylings
of Rambling Andy Koplowitz.

# When it's
peach-picking time in Georgia

# It's apple-picking time
in Tennessee

# It's cotton-picking time
in Mississippi

# And everybody picks on me #

Why do you suppose that is, Andy?

[yodeling]

Sounds like Dad
when he gets hit in the groin.

[music plays]

What are they doing?

lt's supposed to symbolize trying
to get out of the womb.

You back off
or l'll break your water!

And now an insightful monologue
from an exciting newcomer.

l met him here when l took his class
on Celtic mythology.

Give it up for... Wilson.

[applause]

Good evening. My name is Wilson.

And l've been told
l've led an unusual life.

Tonight l'd like to share my journey.

So, come along, won't you?

[bagpipes play]

The year is .

The place,
the misty moors of Scotland.

This is good. Now, he is just a natural.

Yeah. Well,
anything beats a dancing bag.

l had been living with
the Mara Masai tribe for six months.

But l had been unable to engage
their aged chief in conversation.

l had all but given up hope,

until suddenly l was summoned
to his death bed,

where he whispered in my ear
the words l'll never forget.

[speaks foreign language]

Which, roughly translated,
meant ''Hidy-ho, neighbor.''

So that's where he got it.

And then we did the dance of death

because the chief had d*ed.

[chanting in foreign language]

l think we know what k*lled him.

Oh, yuck! lt stinks.

What disgusting concoction
have you come up with now?

l reheated the pancakes
you made yesterday.

They smell because
you've had them in the fridge

next to weird foods
you're making for the contest.

Oh, my God! What is that?

lt's chicken with banana drumsticks.

Hi, guys. The paper came
and they reviewed last night's show.

Oh, good. Let me see it.

''The Performing Arts Festival
opens at the Campus Cafe.

Who couldn't help but love Elzina
Harris's poem, Die, Die, Die?''

l! l!

l!

l can't believe he liked that.

Oh, wait till you hear what he says
about the bag dancers.

''The best fabric choreography
l've seen anywhere, bar none.

The only low point of the evening
was the meaningless meandering

of a pompous performance artist
named Wilson.''

What?

''These were obviously the words of a man
completely out of touch with reality.

One wonders if Wilson has ever
stepped off his mountain top

to go to a movie, a convenience store
or a sporting event.

lf he wants to illuminate
the human experience,

he should try living it like the rest
of us.'' He's gonna be devastated.

Let me see that.

This critic doesn't know anything.
This guy panned Tool Time.

He said l was juvenile.

Boy, smells good! What are you cooking?

Bison sausage? Yakwurst?

No, no, no, Tim. Just good old American
sausage. My strange food days are over.

And mine have just begun.

You've had practice living
the human experience.

Me, l've gotta get down off my
mountain top and join the real world.

You read that stupid review, didn't you?

No, Tim. The critic was right.

l've lost all touch
with what normal people do.

See, Tim, l've gotta go
to monster truck rallies,

buy fast food from the clown.

Tim, l want to learn how
to crush a beer can on my head.

That's not stuff you want to do.
That sounds like stuff l want to do.

Well, l've decided that being a little
bit more like you wouldn't hurt.

[grunts]

- How do you feel now?
- l hurt.

Hi, honey. How was your day?

How was my day?
You want to know how my day was?

Not now.

l couldn't get any work done
because Wilson came over.

He said that he wants
to be like everybody else.

So he spent the whole day
glued to our TV set.

Did he watch Tool Time?

No, l said he wants
to be like everyone else.

He's just like
a completely different person.

Don't worry about it. He's spent
his life studying other cultures.

Now he's just taking time to study ours.

Well, l hate him like this.

l mean, Wilson used
to be so evolved and sensitive.

Now he's just turning into... you.

Oh, my God! That's the biggest
bag of pork rinds l ever saw.

l love pork rinds.

Hey, guys!
What are you doing with that stuff?

[Wilson] Attention, Value Club shoppers.

l have just discovered
the joy of buying in bulk.

Wilson practically
bought out the entire store.

He bought a gross of toilet paper.

[Wilson] Ah! And l brought you some.

Oh, that's three-ply.
We couldn't possibly accept that.

Well, l insist.

l never realized how much easier it is
to buy toilet paper than make it.

But you love making toilet paper.

But who has the time
when there's so much TV to watch?

- Wilson just bought a Montesushi .
- That's right.

With cone filter, PlP,
surround sound and splendovision.

[grunting] Oh, l love splendovision!

Yeah, l'm gonna go set it up right now.
Thanks for hangin' with me, boys.

Oh, speaking of which, Tim,

would you like to come over
to my house tomorrow night and hang?

l'm having the guys over
to watch a basketball game.

What guys? You got guys?

Well, actually, they're your guys.

Benny and Harry, : .
Be there or be square.

Well, Tim, l think we've
lost the old Wilson forever.

We might have lost the old.
But the new Wilson

gave me enough toilet paper to last
for the rest of the afternoon.

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

Right. Binford Tools is proud to present
Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor! Woo-hoo!

[applause]

Thank you, everybody.
What a nice crowd you are.

Welcome to Tool Time.
l'm Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

And, of course, you all know
my side dish, Al Borland.

- [applause]
- Thank you.

Well, we are happy as a bunch of clams,

pleased as punch to welcome you to
Tool Time's first Creative Cook-off.

Let's have a warm welcome
to our impartial judge, Benny Baroni.

- [cheering]
- [theme music plays]

Well, are you ready
to judge our creative concoctions?

Yes, Al. l just cleansed
my palate with a light sherbet.

OK. Well, the scoring
will range from one to ten,

ten being a great dish.

And one for anything
that requires a stomach pump.

l'm familiar with the rules.

All right. Well,
why don't you start with my entr‚e?

My pleasure.

[Benny] Mmm.

Savory, tangy...

...a carbonated delight.

l give it an eight.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

An eight? An eight!

Try mine, huh?
Stick your fork into this.

Ugh! Lumpy, noxious...

...an insult to my colon.

- l give it a minus two.
- Minus two?

Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm.

Well, Tim, unless your drink gets
a ten out of ten, l think l've won.

l have a lot of faith
in my lima bean smoothie.

You're not supposed
to give away the ingredients.

Oh, you know what
a sucker l am for lima beans.

l've already cooked my lima beans.
Add a soup‡on of secret ingredients.

A little bit of cultured buttermilk.

Ah, yeah.
And some baking powder just for froth.

Tim, you want to be careful.

Buttermilk and baking powder
can be a volatile mixture.

Al, back off. l know what l'm doing. All
right. Now, just press ''frapp‚'' for me.

Hey, the Pistons just tied it up.

Great. l've got bucks
riding on this game.

What's the spread?

The spread
is a delightful aerosol cheddar.

And the sample lady said it
had a shelf life of years.

The spread refers to the odds
in the final score of the game.

Many times spectators would
have to give their clothes to the...

- [cheering on TV]
- What happened?

[on TV] That was the most
incredible play I have seen all season!

Of course,
we didn't get to see it because

somebody's blocking the TV... again.

- [Wilson] Oh! Oh!
- How are those little pizzas doing?

Coming right up.
Don't do the wave without me.

ls it my imagination
or is Wilson more annoying than me?

lt's close.

Be patient, OK? He's just trying
to be one of the guys, all right?

Well, if he doesn't stop yapping,

the guys are gonna go over
to my house and watch the game.

Listen to you.

Rather than drink beer here
and burp up nachos,

you want to be home with your wife?

Well, if l said that, l didn't mean it.

[Wilson] Ah, you know, Germany
has a distant cousin to basketball

which is known as korfball.

lt originated in the village
of Braunschweig which is in northern...

Wilson, we can't hear you
and the announcer at the same time.

[Wilson] Oh, l'm sorry.

[turns off TV]

Anyway, in the seventeenth century
in Germany, it was quite a...

That's it! l'm out of here!

- Me too!
- Guys...

[Wilson] But what about the mini pizzas?

Hey, Benny, Harry! Come on, guys!

[Wilson] Oh, no. Let's face it.

[sighs] l'm never
gonna be one of the guys.

l'm just gonna be hopelessly pompous
and out of touch with reality.

lt's about that review again, isn't it?

He didn't know
what he was talking about.

- A lot of people liked your show.
- But Tim, you don't understand.

He didn't just criticize my show,
he criticized my life, who l am.

Aw, come on, Wilson!
l've known you what, years?

You're a little different, you know.

But you've always been really
comfortable with who you are. Huh?

Well, just up until that review,

l thought my idiosyncrasies
had some value.

Well, they do have value.

You know, what happened here
is you went out on a limb.

You put your life on the line,
the battle zone. You're onstage.

You gave it your all. And, you know,
so what? You got hammered.

Ever been hammered on Tool Time?

Well, this once l got
too close to some shellac and...

No, no, no. l mean, have you
ever been hammered by a reviewer?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Well, how can you
not take it personally?

Hmm.

l'm reminded of one of the
greatest entertainers of all time:

Sammy Davis, Jr.

He said, ''l gotta be me.''

To think l've spent my entire life
studying the Greek philosophers

and it all comes down to Sammy.

When it comes to wisdom,
there's nobody like the Candy Man.

Tim, l want to thank you
for not bailing out on me.

[imitating Sammy Davis, Jr.]
Oh, man! Don't change, baby.

l love you the way you are, man.

l dig you, cat.

l mean, cat,

can you feel the love in this room?

lt's thicker than clam chowder, baby.

The problem l see is how to get rid
of a metric ton of pork rinds.

Well, l hope the Value Club
lets me return some of this stuff.

Although, l must say
l have become quite fond

of some of these high-tech appliances.

l think l'm gonna keep that stapler.

Always living on the edge.

What l do want to unload, though,
is this answering machine device here.

You know, that thing
has been blinking all day.

That means you have a message.

[on machine]
This is Stuart from the Campus Cafe.

Your show has gotten
a lot of good response.

If you're not already booked,
we'd like you to come back on Friday.

- [beeps]
- All right!

Thank you, Stuart. l'd love to.

He can't hear you.

[yelling] Thank you, Stuart!
l'd love to!