06x16 - A Funny Valentine

[bunniefuu]

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor! Whoo!

Ah! Thank you, Heidi. Thank you,
everyone. Welcome to Tool Time.

l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.
You know my assistant, Al Borland.

[applause]

Well, welcome to remodeling week
here on Tool Time.

Today we're gonna show you
space-saving items around the home,

like this clever little clap rack.

All right, let's start
over here at the kitchen counter.

No better way to save space than utilize
it well. Under-counter recycling bins.

And this narrow area is a great place
for a dispenser for aluminum,

wax paper and plastic wrap.

- And what about my special drawer?
- What is so special about this drawer?

lt's a drawer you can put stuff
you can't find any other place for.

Like buttons and pins
that don't work, string, thimbles,

you know, navel lint, rakes,

brooms, skis, poles...

There's even room for you in there, Al.

l don't think so, Tim.

All right. Now, this is a nifty idea.
This is a cooling unit in a drawer.

Great for fruits and vegetables,
close to the cutting board.

As well as your wine,
your beer, your vodka.

And that extra liver you're going
to need for the transplant.

Now, if you need
some extra space in the utility room,

this unit is a washerldryer all in one.

Oh! Finished your laundry, Al.
Oh, gosh darn it, l must've shrunk 'em.

All right.
Now, over to the family unit here.

Now, you can't possibly
tell me these are called briefs.

How many flannels you have
to k*ll to get underwear this size?

Well, this beautiful piece of furniture
can fit under a windowsill,

and it can house
an entire entertainment system.

Right. ln Al's apartment, this is
where he hides his square-dance caller.

- [humming]
- lt opens through the lid here,

and a motorized unit brings
the TV up to eye level.

Right. But the standard motor
is just a bit sluggish.

- So l...
- Oh, you didn't soup up a TV counter?

That way it'll just pop up quicker.

- Great show today, Tim.
- Thanks, Al.

Aw, you didn't need
to get me a gift, Al.

l didn't.
This is llene's Valentine present.

We've been busy planning the wedding,
l almost forgot to buy something.

Ah! One thing
The Tool Man never forgets

is to buy the wife
a Valentine's Day present.

Yeah, but you usually
end up doing it late

and buying Jill a box of waxy
chocolates from the gas station.

Oh, how little you know,
my funny little ''Alentine.''

l bought Jill's gift this year in July.

So they'll be waxy and stale?

l didn't get chocolates. Found something
l knew she'd love, bought it on the spot

because l knew l would forget.

Yeah? What did you get her?

l don't remember.

You don't remember
what you bought?

l will when l get it out
from where l hid it.

- Yeah? Where'd you hide it?
- [chuckles] l don't remember.

Hey, Tim,
you got a call while we were on the air.

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

Excuse me.

A woman named Liddy Talbot wants
to see me, says it's important.

Who's Liddy Talbot?

l went to high school
with a Talbot. Huh.

Says she's in town for three days
singing at the Hotel Shipman.

Wow! She looks you up after years?
What do you think she wants?

- l don't know.
- You know,

last year a guy called me
out of the blue from high school.

Seems he's had a crush
on me this whole time.

Was his name Liddy Talbot?

Ooh, maybe Liddy's
had a crush on you all these years.

- She did say it was personal.
- Ooh!

Maybe she's just left her husband
and wants to seduce you

- with her feminine wiles.
- Yeah.

Maybe you should cancel
that subscription to Cosmo.

l'm going crazy. l don't know what
to get Lauren for Valentine's Day.

[scoffs] l know
what l want to give Angela.

Wow! The new Ferrari .

Not a bad price: $ , .

That includes floor mats.

Guys! Guys! Did you find
my Valentine's Day present for mom?

No. lt's kind of tough
to get motivated for a $ reward.

- Valentine's Day is not about money.
- Obviously not.

Five bucks.

Ten bucks. Forty bucks.

Now, go find her
Valentine's Day present, all right?

- Valentine's Day present?
- No.

- What did you get me?
- l can't tell you.

Believe me, l can't tell you.

How was your day?

Oh, pretty gosh darn weird.

Got a phone message from a girl
l think l used to know in high school.

And she told Heidi
that it was a personal matter.

Ooh!

Why is everyone doing that? ''Ooh!''

Well, let's see.

She calls you
out of the blue after years.

- Mm-hm.
- She probably just got divorced,

kids are grown,
she's feeling a little lonely.

And she's thinking...

...''Maybe l should've
just settled for Tim after all.''

l like Al's answer better.

Tell me some more about her.
What was her name?

- Liddy Talbot.
- Liddy Talbot.

Was she blonde, blue-eyed? Really...

Bad arthritis?

l don't even remember her.

Well, let's look her up in the yearbook.

You know, l'm thinking she probably
works for a big tool company, you know?

One of those women
that sells arc welders.

Tim, have you ever known
a woman who sold arc welders?

No, but a guy can dream, can't he?

R... S... T... Talbot. Talbot.

Probably some mousy girl
with an overbite and thick glasses.

Hello!

She's beautiful!

l remember her. She was really hot.

Look what it says. ''Tim, l'll never
forget you.'' Woo-hoo-hoo!

Maybe she does
have some sort of crush on me.

l don't ever remember talking to her.
She was in none of my classes.

Maybe you were in some
of the same clubs. Let's see.

Honor Society,
Philosophy Club, Latin Scholars...

[both] l don't think so.

Anything about being in the Future
Transmission Workers of America?

[laughs] Not according to this.

Well, l don't think
l'm comfortable going to see her.

Well, you have to go see her.
You have to find out what she wants.

Yeah? [chuckles]

Well, what if what she wants
is to take me away from you?

Have her make an offer.
l'll take the weekend to think it over.

Mmmm...

Perfect Manhattan.

Pretty big guitar for such a little guy.

[grunts] lt's not a guitar.

And if l'm a guy,
l'm paying way too much for shoes.

- Sorry. Let me give you a hand.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, boy! So, you're with the band?

Uh, yeah. What gave it away?

- l'm here to see Liddy Talbot.
- Oh, me too.

- l'm the replacement bass player.
- What happened to the first one?

- Hernia.
- Oh!

Let me get you a drink.
What's your poison?

Middle-aged drummers.
But l'll take a ginger ale.

- OK. A ginger ale for...?
- Tina.

- Tina. Tim Taylor.
- How're you doing?

- Thank you.
- Good.

- Why are you waitin' for Liddy?
- Um, we went to high school together.

Haven't seen her in years, and
all of a sudden she gets a hold of me.

[both] Ooh!

Wait a minute. That must be her.

l'll give her the bad news l'm happily
married and then she's all yours.

Liddy Talbot, you look great.
l'd know you anywhere.

Well, almost anywhere.

l'm Liddy Talbot.

Liddy Talbot, of course.

You look great. You were one
of the earlier birthdays in the class.

l'm years older than you are.

Ah, they held you back. Yeah.

Tim, you went to school
with my daughter Elizabeth.

Ah! But you're the one
with the crush on me?

How many drinks have you had?

Not enough.
Another Manhattan, bartender!

Make that two.

Come on, Tim. Sit down.

Now, the reason l looked you up was
because l was a friend of your father's.

Oh! [laughs] Oh, great!

lt's always nice
to meet people that knew Dad.

Yes. Well, l knew him very well.
We used to go together.

Before he met my mom?

Oh, yes. And we kind of
kept in touch afterwards too.

After he was married?

That's what l wanted
to talk to you about.

What's really to talk about...?

Tim, your father changed my life

- in a very profound way.
- No kidding.

Well, you know...

...speaking of profound changes,

this lobby, they changed it.
lt used to be a nautical theme.

- This hotel's got...
- About your father?

- Enough with my father! lt's just...
- l asked you here so l could talk.

Let's talk. What about your daughter?
What is she doing?

Liz, we used to call her. She was the
secretaryltreasurer of the Latin Club.

l speak a little ''atin-Lay'' myself.

Excuse me. l'm sorry, l hate to
interrupt high school sweethearts.

But l'm your bass player,
and we're on in ten minutes.

- l'll get the play list.
- Thank you.

Tim, please stick around. l really
want to tell you all about this.

- What are we opening with?
- Once I Had a Secret Love.

lf it were up to me,
you should keep it a secret.

Well, l just got bucks richer.
l found Dad's gift for Mom.

- Ooh, what is it?
- lt's a locket with a picture of...

...Brad?

What are you doing?
That's my Valentine's gift for Angela!

lf we put a picture of Mom in there
and tell Dad it's his gift,

we can split the bucks.

- What happens to me and Angela?
- Not our problem.

Hey, guys!

Anybody find Mom's Valentine's gift?

Well, we would have
if Brad wasn't so selfish.

Oh, you're back soon.
l'm dying to know. How'd it go?

- Please don't ask.
- Too late.

You have to tell me everything. ls she
still cute? Does she still want you?

Jill, Liddy Talbot
had an affair with my father.

Your father had an affair
with a high-school girl?

No! No! Liddy Talbot
is Elizabeth Talbot's mother.

That's why she looked you up, to tell
you she had an affair with your father?

She didn't come right out and say it.

But l'm not an idiot.
All the key words were there.

They used to ''go together.''

After he was married,
they used to keep in ''touch.''

This is so shocking! Your father
had an affair that nobody knew about?

l can't believe it. lt's
like something out of a romance novel.

Where do you think they
had these secret little trysts?

You know, Jill,
l didn't think to ask.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What if Liddy and your father
had a love child?!

Would you stop it!

You were saying how hot Elizabeth was.
What if she's your sister?

Now l want to vomit!

What if you had
married her instead of me?

Would you let this go?

What if you and your half-sister
had had children?

Well, then l would be the best father
and uncle to those kids possible.

[beeping]

- [Wilson] Hi-ho, neighbor.
- Hi, Wilson.

Using a metal detector
at night in the middle of winter...

You know, Tim, l'd be glad to help out
if you're having a cash flow problem.

lt's not about that.
l hid Jill's Valentine's present.

l can't find it anywhere in the house,
so l thought maybe l buried it out here.

What'd you get her? A bone?

So how did the meeting go
with your alluring school chum?

lt was actually a meeting
with my school chum's mum.

Apparently, she and my father
were very good friends.

She was about to tell me they
had an affair and l just ran away.

Well, l could see how painful it would
be for you to hear something like that.

l know how much you idolized your dad.

l spent my whole life
trying to be like him.

Well, Tim, there's nothing wrong
with modeling your life after someone.

But it is dangerous to try to live up
to an ideal that can't possibly exist.

What are you saying?

l think it's important you think
of your father as a human being

with flaws like everybody else.

You know, l'm reminded of the
English statesman, Oliver Cromwell,

who told an artist, ''l want
my picture painted, warts and all.''

My dad didn't have any warts.

He just had a big scar on his neck
where l sh*t him with a staple g*n.

lf you don't find out
the truth about your father,

you may spend your life
wondering who he was.

Maybe l should
go back down to that hotel.

- [rapid beeping]
- Ah!

Sounds like you found Jill's present.

No. This is just an area l bury stuff
l blow up so Jill won't find them.

[beeping]

That's a curling iron there.

[rapid beeping]

Crock pot.

# Your looks are laughable

# Un-photographable

# Yet you're
my favorite work of art

Tina, shouldn't you
be up playing with the band?

Yeah. l had to take a break.

lt's the drummer. l want him.

And who wouldn't?

# Each day is Valentine's

# Day #

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
please enjoy the instrumental stylings

of the wonderful
Hotel Shipman trio. Tina?

l just hope l can make it
through this without jumping him.

l'm so glad you came back, Tim.

Well, Liddy, l did some thinking
about what you were trying to tell me.

What l wouldn't let you. And l...

l think it's time l heard the whole
story. Um, would you like a drink?

- Oh, sure. Scotch and soda.
- Scotch and soda.

You know, when l saw you last night,

l just couldn't get over
how much you resembled your father.

- Really?
- He was really a very special guy.

Yeah, he was,

- which is why...
- [bass playing]

- Which is why this is so difficult.
- [bass playing]

lt's very, very tough for me...

Could you put a lid
on that for a minute?

Guys, take a break.

Well, it's tough after so much time to
find out after my father was married

- that he, you know...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Your father adored your mother. He
wouldn't even think of having an affair.

An affair?! No way!

No! No! Not my dad! No!

Drinks for everybody, huh?

Except for these two.
Mel, you're a married man.

Tim, just sit down and let me
tell you why l looked you up, please.

Yeah, l'm sorry. l'm sorry. What?

Well, while l was dating your father,

l broke up with him for a drummer.

Drummers, they're bad news.

So it would seem.

Well, after we had Liz,
he just took off.

Left me broke, stranded.

Your father, bless his heart,

gave me money so l could
buy a piano and start giving lessons.

Wow! So he loaned
you money to help you out.

Yeah. And by the time l
was able to repay him, he'd d*ed.

So then l saw you on TV yesterday,

and l realized this
was my chance to settle up.

This was a long time ago.
lt was between you and him.

- Oh, no. Please.
- l can't take your money.

Tim! Tim!
lt's very important to me.

Well, you know, what's funny is
that my mom is moving back in town.

Dad wanted her to have a china hutch.

And maybe that's
what l'll use this for.

That's a great idea.

Um, buy it, don't build it.

l saw yesterday's Tool Time.

Well, gotta get back to work.

l'm very happy l got to meet you.

Me too. Oh, do you have any requests?

Um... uh...

Um...do you know
Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees?

[laughs] You've inherited
your father's taste in music.

Tina? Mel? Got a minute?

# Here we come
Walking down the street

# We get the funniest looks

# From everyone we meet

# Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
People say we monkey around

# But we're too busy singing

# To put anybody down

# We're just trying to be... #

Well, my Valentine's present
was a big hit with llene.

ls she gonna wear
that flannel nightie on your honeymoon?

Wouldn't you like to know?

No.

Just being polite, Al.

- Did you ever find Jill's present?
- No, l didn't.

l had to get her a chocolate tanker
truck from the Exxon station.

- Guys, we're on.
- All right. Thanks.

[theme song plays]

Hi. Welcome back
to remodeling week here on Tool Time.

Right. Next,
we're going to strip the paint off

this beautiful old lrish cupboard.

And, of course,
we'll be using Binford paint stripper.

Remember, it's very caustic so
you'll want to use goggles and gloves.

That's right, Al. One thing
l like about this particular piece,

it's got a real nifty
hidden drawer in here.

You picked this up
when you were up in Petoskey, right?

Yeah. Last July during the...

Oh, look at this.
lt's a beautiful hand-painted box.

lt's a one-of-a-kind antique jewelry box

l bought for Valentine's Day
for my wife, and l hid it

and couldn't find it.

l think she's going to be
very happy with this. Can l...?

Watch out!

Don't have to worry
about her finding it now.

Well, but on the upside,
it's got a real nice grain to it.