06x15 - Totally Tool Time

[bunniefuu]

- Good morning.
- Morning.

ls everyone as excited
about today as l am?

Oh, yeah. l'm going to the dentist
to get my teeth scraped.

Swedish guys are coming by Tool Time?

Ja!

And if they like what they see,

they're gonna distribute the show
throughout Europe.

You could be looking
at the new international tool sensation.

Are you sure they'll
understand Tool Time in Europe?

Yeah, l mean,
they barely understand it here.

Yeah? Let me give you two words
to think about: Jerry Lewis.

Europeans like him
'cause he acts like a complete buffoon.

- We're gonna be rich!
- [Jill laughs]

Oh, you guys scoff.

This episode will blow those Swedes
right out of their Volvos.

lt's a whole salute to men:
men and their hobbies,

men's gadgets, a man's gym.

And what about the European women?
What's in it for them?

Same thing in it for the American women.

Al?

lf the show's a big hit in Europe, does
that mean we finally get to go there?

Yeah! We can go to England
and visit the Aston Martin factory.

ltaly, the Ferrari plant.

A romantic weekend in Stuttgart
at the Porsche factory.

That's about as romantic
as touring a sausage factory.

We can do that too. On the way home,
we'll swing by Poland.

[Tim grunts]

[Tim grunts]

Hey. Hey!

Good morning, Tim.
Yeah, l'll... l'll take that.

- Morning, Fred. Ooh, boy!
- Yeah.

- Are the Swedish guys here?
- Uh, the Swedish guys.

- Any minute.
- You think?

- You're the producer of the show?
- Uh, yeah! Unless you know something.

lt's degrees out here.
Why are you sweating?

Oh. [stammering]
l'm sorry. l'll try to stop.

Tim, your idea for today's show
is one of your best.

Possibly the best ever.

Would it embarrass you
if l used the word ''genius''?

Wait. Your contract's up
at the end of the month?

This month. Uh, yeah.

Can you put in a word
for me with Binford?

- l'll put in two words: ''kiss up.''
- [laughs]

- Al.
- Hey, Tim. Fred.

Excited about the show?
lt's a big one.

Al Borland is gonna
take Europe by storm!

Uh...

Hey, Al. You might want to remove
the toilet paper from your shoe.

l'll get it. Here, Al. Let me help you.

[stammering] Here.
l'll do it. There we go.

Thank you, Fred.

Wilson, thank you very much
for being a guest on today's show.

Oh, Tim, it's my pleasure. You know,
l have many relatives living in Sweden.

They're gonna be
so thrilled to see me on TV.

Some of them have never seen my face.

l can't wait to surprise
my Uncle Nielson Wilson.

Nielson Wilson? l know him!
ln Stockholm he's a barrel maker,ja?

[speaking Swedish]

Excuse me, guys. Excuse me?

Hey! Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

Bjorn ''The Swede That's
Gonna Buy My Show'' Larson.

Uh, Wayne, Wayne.
Come on in for a minute.

This is one of the men
coming to look at the show.

Take him around. Give him anything he
wants. Keep him away from my bagels.

- Fred, Fred, wait!
- Yeah? What's up, boss?

- Uh, l have not seen the Andrettis yet.
- Uh...

- They're on the show, right?
- Uh, no.

They had to cancel
because they have the flu.

How long have you known?

What's the longest l could know
without getting in trouble?

We're supposed to have celebrities.
The Andrettis. You promised.

l'm sorry. l feel awful about this.

Fred, Fred. Um... um... um... um,

isn't Paul Newman
in town on a charity thing?

- You know Paul Newman?
- You're supposed to know Paul Newman!

Sorry. You're right. Don't worry.

Listen, l got a lot of great ideas
for backup guests.

Oh! Hey! You know who would be great?
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

- Yes! You know him?
- No, but he'd be great.

[theme song plays]

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- [crowd] Tool Time!

That's right! Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor! Whoo!

[applause]

Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, Heidi.

Welcome to Tool Time.

l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor. And
you all know my assistant, Al Borland.

[cheering]

Well, we have
a very big show for you today.

- Yes, we do.
- We're doing our annual salute...

- [belch sound effect]
- [chuckles]

...to men.

We're guys with flies. [grunts]

We like our beer out of a bottle.
[grunting]

Our chili out of a can! [grunting]

But there's nothing we like better

than smoked Swedish salmon
with a little juniper on there, huh?

Or is it called ''yuniper?''

As Tim said,
we have a big show for you today.

But we're gonna start off simple

by showing you how
to build these walnut valets.

Walnut valets? Someone
to park your nuts...?

You park your pants... right here.

And you hang the coat right there. And
it's all ready for you in the morning.

What's ready for us now
is our side rails and our dowels.

That's right. l'm gonna start off
by shaping our shoulder bar

with the scroll saw.

After Al's done with that,

we'll be shaping that shoulder bar
in this steamer box.

Get it into the right shape
for us for our final preparations.

OK.

Now, notice my wide, rounded curves.

We'll be right back
after these messages from Binford.

Welcome back to Tool Time. Al's shoulder
piece is not quite ready in the steamer.

But the clams are close. Mmm-mm-mm!

Ooh, it's hot in there!

Now it's time to move on to a segment
of the show we call Man at His Leisure.

Today we're gonna show you
an outdoor leisure activity

that's recently been brought inside:
rock climbing.

And to tell us more about it is expert
rock climber, Wilson Wilson, Junior.

Hidy-ho, neighbor!

- Thanks for dropping in.
- Mm-hm.

Pretty complicated looking equipment.

- Am l gonna get to try this?
- Yes, indeedy, Tim.

Now, what l'm going to do is
to take this rope which is attached

to your harness by means
of a device we call the carabiner.

They use these things in sailing.

Out there they gotta watch out
for the Pirates of the Carabiner.

Now, Tim, as you climb,
make sure your hands and your toes

are securely on your holes.

And propel yourself upwards
by using your legs thusly.

OK, now l'm gonna
take up the slack here, Tim.

Now, l have got you.
Nothing can happen.

- All right. Ready?
- Yeah. Climb on.

While Tim's climbing, tell us something
about your rock-climbing experiences.

Well, one of my favorites
was when l was a ranger

working on Mount Rushmore

and l was attempting
to climb Abraham Lincoln's upper lip.

Well, l faltered.
But, luckily, l was able to save myself

by gaining a toehold on his wart.

Boy, this is a lot of fun, Wilson!
Can l get a little more rope?

[Al] Well, Tim, you don't want
to go too far off to the side.

You don't want
to get above your anchor.

Al's right, Tim. Should you let go...

Let go? [screaming]

We'll be right back
after these messages from Binford Tools.

Ouch! What happened out there?
l almost k*lled myself.

- What was that camera doing?
- Taping the show.

l had nothing to do with it.

Nice to have a producer
who has ''nothing to do with the show.''

[chuckling] God, what a guy!

Why are you laughing?

The Swedes aren't finding this amusing.
We're dying.

No. Don't worry. The Swedes
are gonna love Gadget Corner.

Yeah? lf they don't, l'm blaming you.

As you should, my friend.
[laughs] As you should.

- Hi.
- Hey, Warren, Warren, Warren.

- What?
- You build that gadget?

- lt's not gonna work.
- Did you build it to my specifications?

That's why l'm sure
it's not gonna work.

Here's another gadget
for the travelin' man.

A satellite dish in a suitcase.

Wow! lt's got the little satellite phone
over there, satellite dish.

You know,
Al's mom has a satellite chafing dish.

Well, what else
do you have to show us, June?

This is a golf club

drink dispenser. [laughs]

Oh. Great for bringing along
my favorite drink: golf club soda.

[laughs, snorts]

But be sure you
have a designated driver.

You know, l hate
to wedge myself between you two,

but, uh, tell us about this
little stocking stuffer.

This is an a*t*matic waffle maker.

lt releases the batter
onto this griddle

and sends the waffles
down the conveyor belt

where they come out
right here... golden brown.

That's great, because l have designed
a high-powered syrup dispenser

to go along with this.
Heidi, my Waffle Buddy, please.

Oh, no. Tim's made his own gadget.

Code red.
This is what we trained for, people. Go.

All right. This is CO -powered,
PSl...

Yeah. Put the fire department
and the paramedics on hold.

Now, watch this thing. All you do...

lt dispenses butter, syrup
and, for our Swedish friends,

lingonberry jam at the touch
of a button. Just press here.

There seems
to be a little jam in my jam.

Shake it a little bit...

- l got it working now.
- Yes, it is! Tim!

Oh, no.

[woman] Guys, we're back in .
Stand by.

Fred, we're losing these Swedes.

The celebrity has to go
through the roof. Get somebody?

- l got somebody great.
- Big name?

- lt's a long name.
- What?

[woman] Stand by.

Here's his bio.
He's kind of an unsung hero.

- Here we go.
- Gotta go.

- Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred!
- [woman] Five, four, three...

Ha-ha. Welcome back to Tool Time.

Every now and then we have
a segment we call The Unsung Hero.

Well, today's guest is just that.
His name is Seymour Wonderfleffin.

And, uh... So, Seymour... Let's give
a big Tool Time welcome for Sy!

- Uh, welcome to the show, Sy.
- Pleasure to be here, Tim.

Sy works at, um...

...the Department of Animal Control.

So, are you the top dog? [chuckles]

The fat cat?

No, l'm just a regular guy who
scrapes dead animals off the highway.

Well, uh, why don't you tell us
a little bit about what you do?

A very little bit. [laughs]

Well, l get up
about am and drive around

and, uh, pick up dead animals
with a shovel.

But at the Department of Animal Control,
there must be some neat equipment,

- a special shovel you use?
- No, no, no. Just a shovel.

Found it by the side
of the road last year.

Before that,
l didn't even have a shovel.

What would be a really good day
for you on a job like this?

Well, uh, one time l had
an eight-possum Thursday.

Yeah. Well, how could you
b*at a day like that, huh?

Didn't think l could. One Tuesday,

the good Lord blessed me
with raccoons and a skunk.

We... we were hoping to have
Paul Newman on the show today.

Paul Newman? Cool Hand Luke, man!

ln that movie he had a great shovel.

You don't get out a lot, do you, Sy?

- Well, uh, do you have any hobbies?
- Hobbies, yeah.

Well, l like to paint.

Paint? What do you like to paint, Sy?

Uh, still life.

All right, Sy.

Well, if you think scraping dead animals
off the road is a workout,

wait till you see our next segment.
We'll be back.

[applause]

- Fred?
- Mm-hm? Mm-hm?

- You can read, can't you?
- Yeah...

Fred, this show is a disaster.

Those Swedes are probably on a plane
back to Lingonberry Land now.

No, they're still here.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Any indication they enjoy the show?

Well, l think
it's a fair assessment that, um...

- High probability...
- Fred?

They're still here.
Let's just hang onto that.

Keep them in the building.
lf anything'll bring them around,

- it'll be the segment on the Man's Gym.
- Man's Gym. Right.

Hey!

Thanks for having me on your show.
l brought you a present.

- Hey, Fred!
- [Fred] Yeah?

- Had your lunch?
- Oh, hey. Hey, thanks!

Hi. Welcome back.
We've talked about a man's work.

Now it's time to talk
about a man's workout.

Welcome to the Binford Man's Gym!

All right. Let's start out here
at the multi-purpose workout center.

lt's where you get your bi's, tri's
and thighs... up to size.

This unit has features
you'll only find in the Man's Gym.

Tired of sitting on a hard bench,
you just press ''number one.''

lt's so cozy, l could snooze right now.
[sighing]

You may be wondering if you're gonna
take a snooze, how do you exercise?

Just press ''a*t*matic''...

...and the machine
does the workout for you.

Now, if the machine's doing all
the work, how do you work up a sweat?

Easy. We got sweat in this one.

We got cold beer over here.

That would be the sweat!

All right, moving on...

All right, who hasn't been
in the middle of a workout

- when nature comes a-callin'?
- ln the Man's Gym...

ln the Man's Gym, you don't have to
drop your workout to drop your drawers.

Just row as you go.

No need to lift the seat in the
Man's Gym, l'll tell you that right now.

- How about a little refreshment, Al?
- Let's go to the bars.

The Man's Health Bar.

Two Man's Gym Specials, Milt.

Ah. Here's to your health.
Nothing healthier than Swedish vodka.

Unless, of course,
it's a Swedish massage.

How about a little back rub, Milt?

l don't go for that sort of thing!

But Helga does.

Oh... Oh, l love my job.

Well, it's time for a different
sort of cardiovascular exercise.

Uh, by the way,
this happens to be the Man's Steam Room.

[man] There's a draft! Close the door!

Well, nothing gets the heart pumping
faster than the Man's Exercise Bike.

ln the Man's Gym, we don't use
an ordinary exercise bike.

We use one of these.

That's right. This can be set
to many different levels.

Beginning rider, expert rider...

And if you're tired of pedaling
altogether, we got Easy Rider.

[engine starts]

[crashing]

- Good show. Good night.
- Yeah. Good show, guys.

Hey, Tim! Tim, the Man's Gym sequence
was incredible. l have chills.

Fred is right. l think
that the rowing-machine toilet

made a big splash with the Swedes!

Not sure anything made up
for the lingonberry accident

and the Animal Control guy.

l'm sorry... Oh, listen.
Here come the Swedes.

They must've made their decision.

All l want to say is no matter
what happens, the most important thing

is... is that
we stick together. Please?!

Gentlemen, after much thought
and many changes of clothes,

we have decided

- to buy Tool Time.
- Yes!

- All right! [laughs]
- Thank you very much.

So was it the Man's Gym
that put you over the top?

Oh, no. We liked the whole show.
ln Sweden, we love slapstick comedy.

You are the next Jerry Lewis.

''Hey, Dean!''

Guys, that calls for a celebration.

l tell you what. We work
awful darn hard on this show...

Hey, guys. l got the mail.

There's a package from Sweden.
You know what that means?

You won the Nobel Prize again?

Got my first Tool Time show
dubbed in Swedish.

- And... our first check.
- Oh.

Cool! How much did they pay you?

Well, if it's any of your business,
which it's not,

it's , kroners.

Wow! How much
is that in American money?

$ . .

That's it?

Wait until the money
starts rolling in from Lapland.

[speaking Swedish]

You know, l never understood that joke
till l heard it in Swedish.

This is so weird.
lt doesn't sound anything like you.

[man screaming]

That sounds like you.

Yee-ha! Sailor Seymour Wonderfleffin.

But, uh, working
at the Department of Animal Control,

you have a special-handled hammer
with a lot of attachments.

- [woman] Hammer?
- No. l have a shovel, Tim.

l could hear that from here. A shovel!

- Actually, l use a shovel.
- Not a hammer.

l tried hammering 'em off the road
for a while. But it just didn't work.

You work at Department
of Animal Control.

So, you probably have
a special-handled, uh... um... um...

- Shovel, Tim.
- Shovel.

- Handled hammer.
- l dare to use a shovel.

Shovel. Yeah.